1 Hour Of Lee's BEST Wife and Bloke Jokes | Lee Evans

I don't like shopping with my wife she's changed she scares me my wife is normally a law-abiding person that is until we get in the shopping center we'll be standing in the food court holding a couple of trays of our dinner on after just paying for it and she turned to me and she' go she hasn't charged us for the teas you laugh she hasn't charged us for the teas well that's all right I just don't you [ __ ] dare Never On The Run I'm myself like [ __ ] Bunny and Clyde I'm eting me dinner like a fugitive are they coming are we in trouble are we [ __ ] my wife's all calm and calculated easy easy I'm [ __ ] me pants I can't stand this a life on the run I can't stand it anymore she's got me by the cheeks oi you drank the tea you slag you're in okay I didn't know my wife was such a criminal have you ever stayed in a hotel with your wife [ __ ] hell she becomes like a burglar overnight she turns into one of those bank robbers you see in the films would' be leaving the room and suddenly she starts scooping all the toiletries into a [ __ ] handbag go go go go go go go I'm standing there what are you doing we're here for another [ __ ] two weeks what is she going to do with all these miniature bottles of her [ __ ] anyway she'd be up the pub the next day do you want to buy a shower cap do you want to buy a feminine hygiene bag how many you got one you know I'm pretty much the idiot in our house I swear I am I you know I watched that film the other day 12 Years a Slave that's based on my marriage that is yeah cuz I got two jobs this one if you can call it a job and whatever [ __ ] job she's fought up for me when I get indoors I'm no serious as soon as I walk for our front door she'd be standing there with a plunger going B needs unblocking now doesn't matter who you are you could be alling sugar one of those tycoons off the Dragon's Den soon as you step through your front door you turn into [ __ ] Eagle Hello darling I'm home rubbish needs taken that now oh immediately oh master she runs the worst job center in the world it's all menual work she gets me to do it's like pray anything good for me today oh Master yes this one involves travel get me some Letts and you can get those on the way back from the chippy now go oh thank you living the dream to be fair to my wife it's not all menual work she gets me to do sometimes she'd be on her way out the door and she go any idea what the roads are like I'm like yeah just a minute I'll just nip up to the fly in the sky well there's a 5m tail back on the b402 after a frozen food Lorry jack knife it Junction 9 this is Lee Evans with the traffic and travel brought to you by how the [ __ ] should I [Applause] know you know me and my wife we applied for one of those gay marriages cuz gay people seem to be a lot happier I thought [ __ ] I'll have some of that no no no the gay community they have a March when the Pet Shop Boys release a new album then they have another parade when they don't release an album they celebrate their sexuality marching through the streets I am what I am you never see married couples doing anything that blowing whistles and waving flags do you they all seem to be [ __ ] off of everything on a game March they all flouncing around you know go W on a married March it' be just like many me walking down the street going all these people that have gay marriages it's all great when you first meet somebody but let's see if you can last 30 years mate cuz things start to change like we've been married for so long things are changing she's getting more Butch and I'm getting more feminine I swear you know the lights will suddenly go out and hour out so I clink I go what the [ __ ] happening my wife go out calm down you Tart I'll get a [ __ ] to my wife can even tell me my own memory just by saying I did tell you Lee and I just believe her cuz I can't [ __ ] remember did you say to me you don't even remember what you forgot do you the [ __ ] did you just say then she's like I'll forget it I just did don't you remember I can't remember anything I have to turn to my wife for everything these days we' be in the supermarket right and the woman behind the counter go do you have a loyalty card I look straight to my wife go you have a loyalty card no no somebody will say to me Lee can you answer anything by yourself I look straight to my wife can I answer anything by myself no no my wife would buy some shoes but not normal ones you wear on your feet oh no no no no no no that's too [ __ ] easy no cuz the ones she buys no no no they're special much more trendy cuz the ones she buys you don't wear on your feet you take off halfway through the night and end up olding your hand you know them [ __ ] if we're going out for the night right we leave our house and she'll have her shoes on her feet where they're [ __ ] meant to be she go out all have these [ __ ] shoes I love these shoes [ __ ] love these shoes L as the night progresses you'll see it go I love these [ __ ] shoes all these fing shoes love these [ __ ] shoes no I'm looking at her feet going oh trendy blisters I'd rather she just took them shoes off cuz whenever she keeps them on all night something really weird happens has your wife ever done that she's had those shoes on all night we'd get indoors right she' disappear off into the bedroom to take those shoes off and suddenly you can hear all these sounds of ecstasy coming out the bedroom all you can hear is this a oh oh that feels so good oh yeah just there oh yeah I'm standing in there all way who the [ __ ] is in that room with my wife and here's the freaky bit when she reappears out of that bedroom it's a completely different woman why is it with women when they get in from a night out that really glamorous person I was with seconds ago is now wearing an old back traive it makes her look like she [ __ ] herself a pair of old slippers of house cut no [ __ ] makeup she walk out that bedroom going that was a [ __ ] top n Go on you got to admit it that was a [ __ ] top KN I'm standing there who the [ __ ] are you she went in that bedroom looking like wi knowa Rider she come out looking like [ __ ] sha Rider that would have top that one chly her behavior changes as well five minutes ago we was in the car having a sophisticated conversation now she's on the couch mouth full of [Music] chocolate yeah do these trashes make me look like I'll [ __ ] myself be honest yeah I've just finished that book 50 Shades of Gray do you fancy an early night I can't stand you ever been mistaken for working in the shop you know you'd be standing in the shop somebody walk up to you go excuse me do you work here [ __ ] off you know and they give you that look like you should be oh oh do you know what we should say yeah I do actually in the [ __ ] off you're Bard and what is the point in shop stuff wearing name badges it only freaks them out when you say their name you go thanks very much uh Allison I you know my name BL me she's just watched me in my Underpants trying on jeans and suddenly I'm the store girl can't cloth shopping I can't stand can't stand it so I don't do it anymore 24 years of marriage my wife has started to buy me clothes he's freaking me out she keeps going about Richard Gear I love Richard Gear love Richard Gear and then she goes out and buys me [ __ ] gear why is she dressing me up after 24 years well I can't dress myself you know when I first met her I didn't skip up to her in a pair of Thomas the Tank pants you know do you want to go to matchan cuz I don't know what the [ __ ] I'm doing cuz women love cloth shop oh they love them you'll be walking up the ice street with your wife you know if there's a clothes shop they're drawn they'd be drawn to it they go oh oh what's happening I'm being drawn into this shop help me not really if you said to your wife I want you to run through that ice tret she'd go okay [Applause] okay they just D to get in there and feel up the cloth women's clothes shops I can't stand them they mystify me women's clothes shops your wife can have a whole conversation with the women that work in those clothes shops using only one word they say stuff to each other like well it's not for going out out it's sort of ow women know what the [ __ ] this means they say stuff to each other in those cloth shops they go like well it's not for smart smart it's s of smart smart smart smart smart smart smart smart I'm like love can we off off not off off but [ __ ] off what does it mean and out comes as soon as your wife was with a bunch of other women that work in those shops suddenly you become the spare knob you know they got that special chair for you to sit on the bewilderment chair you there then everyone starts talking to you as if you're an outpatient on day release you know to the shops what do you think oh he don't [ __ ] know look okay I don't know nothing man he don't look at him he don't you don't know nothing I don't know nothing guess what guess what I don't know nothing you know you come out at the shop you say to your wife oh yeah that looks nice I went in we in this [ __ ] I don't know nothing m and my wife now she buys perfume do you know what they do now they Sprint on a piece of C for you to smell why why why why she don't go that big cboard box on her [ __ ] head you don't go out clubbing or done up like a parcel you smell nice thank you very much I love that you know when blops a gun out on a Friday or a Saturday they they always do that thing with the deodorant they always do the cuz you never know shot just before they go out the door they go cuz you never know never do that of After Shave do you well you do once you don't [ __ ] do it again you know what I'm you know you're up on the sink you got your bollocks in the [Music] water if that don't work you're in the fridge [ __ ] [Applause] trifle oh oh if you stand in a shop and it's like you you never know whether to agree or disagree with a woman do you know what I mean cuz it's always a thin line it's like you ever been getting ready to go out and you hear that voice from upstairs go oh [ __ ] it and you kind of go upstairs and your wife's in the doorway like that he won't go it won't go what my [ __ ] hand look at it it's not happening it looks fine no it [ __ ] don't this is the Thin Line you don't know whether to agree you go it needs a bit of work does it don't get involved don't get bloody involved if they all two dresses at them go what do you mean that one oh that one don't [ __ ] off I'm not getting involved don't know it's like why is it with your hair I don't know what it is with women's hair one day it goes okay and then the next day it doesn't you're using the same stuff it's the same [ __ ] hair why Happ does the hair Fairy come along and the the middle of the night and go like I won't [ __ ] go today you can't go down the hairdresser sit in the hairdresses and he goes oh sorry won't go it just won't go the hair fairy must have visited you last night it's like hair dryers you know the hair dryers already blowing and yet people waveing like that what's that to get more wind I what do you [ __ ] do that and get cuz like women are more emotional do you know what I mean BLS are very solution oriented they just take take the pain away I want the pain away now nurse I want the pain you know they're crap that's why like You' seen a man and a woman at home a BL is very solution orientated competitive minded a woman you know it's like it's like they'd be there trying to get a sideboard up the stairs like that going she be going do you want a hand love He Go no let me [ __ ] do this that's why a good weightlifting team in the Olympics would be a man and a wife like you'd be there the weights will be there right and she'd go do you want a hand B He Go no let me [ __ ] do this thank go right um I don't know pain they go through it so badly but uh and and they're good at arguments you see you can never beat a woman in argument because they'll always get you and the worst one they get you is the public argument you read one of these in the supermarket cuz they don't give a [ __ ] they don't they become your inter to the world they really do You' be there you'll be going shut up and they' be going no I will not shut [Music] [Applause] up [ __ ] up no I will not [ __ ] [ __ ] shut up yes [ __ ] [ __ ] he's going to hit me he's going to hit me sometimes they don't even give you a chance they'll actually answer for you you just be walking towards the door and they go oh where are you going outch and you go getting lost is the worst thing in the world especially if you're with your wife that's the nightmare you know if you get lost of your wife you know it's going to turn into a nightmare you know cuz you know when you hand your wife the map you think she's going to turn into the Lumbard rally you know put a helmet on some goggles and go go go left right straight ahead but they don't you and your wife the map in the car and she go out where are we [Applause] now that's why give it the [ __ ] [Applause] map H you ghost lost Christopher [ __ ] Columbus they go out they go oh look they got ww worths you [ __ ] this is why they never have married flight teams on planes it would never work you'd be sat on a plane over the tanel and go ding dong does anyone in know the way to Malaga cuz he don't know where the [ __ ] he is in the minute guess what he won't radio and ask cuz men never ask oh no they get a feeling I got a feeling love I got a feeling it's up here call it pigeon's Instinct men never ask you've seen sperm in the womb haven't you they no I won't ask it's I here def it's like when you bring bre down all women know it's a technical thing it's an engine you need the right advice but bl's going to at oh no no no let me have a look pop the Bonnet laugh let me have a look and that's what they do BL so lift the Bonnet and they [ __ ] look at the engine they go yeah it's [ __ ] but they can't have look what are they open to do so they're open to see the solution when they just [ __ ] stare at the engine they go ah it was an octopus [ __ ] start up love who have thought last weekend me and my M we went to Ikea have you been in there I didn't realize when you visit Ikea there's certain rules you got to abide by like you have to follow that route they've marked out for you on the floor you know you know that yellow brick road that leads you deeper and deeper into the world of [ __ ] wood chip hello hello you can't straight from that path oh no Dar stray from the bath you take a shortcut around the back of the Wardrobe section you come out somewhere in [ __ ] naria well it's Ikea's version of Nani and you know there's like a line with a couple of screws missing only three legs going woof you get really lost you end up one of those mockup living rooms they got in there you know with the cardboard telling the high-f five this whole fam is in there going help us please help us we've been here for years we stay from the [ __ ] path rule number two always decide what you want before you arrive at Ikea cuz all their products have Scandinavian names so you'll end up arguing with your wife I'm [ __ ] Swedish you will you'll be standing in the middle of Ikea fighting over the catalog on ayy boo you want to be standing the g h this turn is the Vern you s up Benny and Freda before [ __ ] Amber broke up you know freck you no freck you too I love the office chairs I love the office chairs section in there it's brilliant they got the beige artificial leather swivel number with the extra high backs have you seen that one who's that for [ __ ] paranoids who's that who's that they got that one for band backs have you seen that one for band backs you know that when you got neon that's really good cuz you know what that really does give you a [ __ ] bad back now you're at your desk doing your accounts looking like a [ __ ] giant par I love those executive chairs all the hydraulic knobs and handles one you anchor that lever and you [ __ ] H forward what's that for in case there's something really quickly got to look at what the [ __ ] that that might be important n stop it I love those executive chairs you know they got that one with the rocking motion you know that one that's [ __ ] that's brilliant that one then after a couple of weeks the bolts start to come loose so you start rocking the other way soon as the cashier's got your money and you threw the tills you're on your own you ever tried pushing a flat hat wardrobe out of Ikea in one of their trolleys cuz their trolley are different from everybody else's you got that big wheel in the middle and two small ones either end so you're trying to push out the door doing all this [ __ ] you know you watch the other end pulling it doing all this suddenly you look like you work for the [ __ ] Railways keep pumping love OK doie get that trolley outside and conveniently Ika put them posts up so you can't take the trolley more than 5 ft outside the door hey thanks for the use of your trolley between there and [ __ ] in there you can see your car in the distance across the car park going like that I'm over here you're standing there going I'm not going to make it you know the trolley stand there going sorry I can't fit through the BS sorry so now you got to carry this flat packed wardrobe across the [ __ ] car park cuz they're deceiving it just looks like a flat box no that's a king-sized wardrobe in there that box you know your wife's going go and pick it up so a flat box I'll box you flat in a minute trying to pick the Wardrobe out you're actually straining in Swedish I eat to turn knowing in the right mine would try and carry a wardrobe across a car park we was at shopping just now we happened to buy a [ __ ] wardrobe I mean you don't go shopping with your w wardrobe do you you know walk into top shops you're right love I don't need a bag just H the [ __ ] in there I'll be fine you know when like you go and see your local GP he always wants you to take your clothes off every time you got an earache take your clothes off I thought [ __ ] it I'll make it worthwhile I took a pole down there I thought yeah I might as well pay for the prescription you know you know people bring you grapes when you're ill don't they you know they you ever seen anyone's face light up when you give them gra I got you some grapes [ __ ] off what's the medicinal purposes of grapes if that was the case you'd have Art Attack in the ice Street you never get a fruit and veg van turn up give me the grapes quick clear well the motorbike ambulance the motorbike ambulance what if they have to go to the hospital what the [ __ ] can you do then can you strap them across the back all right used work for piece of delivery [ __ ] nuts you ever had a piz of delivered by them they're nuts what's the legal requirement to be a pizza delivery boy a donut card and a [ __ ] suicide not it's got to be that's what that big box is on the back's full of ice when he has the accident that's for his organs I'm sure they drive around in those moped I [ __ ] hate mopeds you ever see them in the city center those Lads going up and down the mopeds I hate the sound of mopeds they always sound like they don't want to be out they're like and the kids in the cars now the boy Racers you know what they're into at the moment have you seen this they got that blue light under their car what the [ __ ] that it's like he's run over a sun lamp he's driving about in a [ __ ] tanin Center maybe that's what it is it's a sunlamp for mot mechanics he's in the pit going that oh it's just like [ __ ] Spain man [Applause] I love theot garage they've always got a calendar on the W of a half- naked woman straddling some tires like that what's the point what if that actually happened the blow of glass excuse me love cuz you [ __ ] off these pellis have got to go on this Cara and put some [ __ ] clothes off ridiculous only works in the garage that calendar doesn't it you can't put that anywhere else it doesn't work in any work environment apart from there like you can't have one in the doctors you know half naked woman on the war straddling some pills it's like the police can find you on the spot if you get done for driving now what if you can't pay can we choose another spot just can't pay can't pay just keep choosing the spot so you [ __ ] get home that's what I it's like we've been traveling around on local news the other day there's always this story on local news of a bus or a lorry that's jammed under a Railway Bridge you know and I always think how the [ __ ] did he do that is it like some drivers that get a bit Larry you know they go there's no one about [ __ ] it there's no cameras I'll break the speed limit did this block do the same did he go no cameras about [ __ ] it I'll break the height limit how do you jam your bus under a [ __ ] Railway Bridge did he not see how big it was when he got in it that morning did he not know he was driving a double-decker bus he's driving around all day going where's me passengers going they get on they pay they [ __ ] up they didn't buy stuff and they don't tell you they bought it your wife ever do that they walk in a room wearing something you've never seen before you go what's that oh this whole [Music] thing I aous oh that makes it all right does it she's in the shop paying for it putting in the bag oh this our thing BL to the opposite that's why we can't understand it Bloks will keep the same pair of Underpants for [ __ ] decades you ever walk in your bedroom catch your wife clearing out your pant draw you go no not those they're practically brand new they still got the price on them $19.99 your wife turned them up the other way no that's the date 16 [ __ ] 66 you'll find ways of holding on to them though 6 months later you know your wife will be looking at the kitchen window you're buffing up the Mazda with a pair of wi fronts it's just me and you mate why'd you shine your car with your pants what it makes it shinier does it you know take your pants off and know you got a showroom glean to your ass you know never use your wife's underwear in your car do you you like your wife's bra to do your rims you know you might use her everyday cuz women have those they got their Posh nickers for going out and then they got there every day as you know them [ __ ] that come up to where they wear in the house if for [Applause] [Music] relaxing wow but for relaxing you're having a really good time right you're on the dance FL you're having a really good time and women can do that great thing your wife ever do that to you they can change your whole mood just by the power of suggestion alone your wife ever do that you be on the D Flor you know and then your wife will suddenly slide up to you and she go now listen right I'm going to tell you something now but when I tell you right don't go [ __ ] nuts we are now you're already with the [ __ ] it tell me and they make it worse but going to cuz I know what you're like I know when I tell you this you're going to go [ __ ] off on one you really are now you're it full what the [ __ ] El it then she see that's why I can't tell you anything then you start doing the angry dancing you know like you're driving a Flor live truck [ __ ] oh BL have got loads of them there's the bus driver it's a helicopter pilot you know you ever had that argument with your wife you're winning she starts to cry that's it you're [ __ ] crying is the most potent way of winning an argument you go yeah [ __ ] you she go hey oh sorry love my fault you always know when a woman's really angry cuz if you notice their words get further and further apart if you notice that don't you care she's angry cuz that's how you end up when you're pissed isn't you become all these different characters you'll all see that blo wandering around the the car park of the Pub on a Friday on his own going [ __ ] off you [ __ ] old SL I just want a coup of of each bread well [ __ ] off then you know he's about his own AA meting out there you know I'm not an alcoholic oh yes you are it's funny you can only do that when you're really pissed have a really good time but at the same time have a really bad time you're like then you got the lads night out you'll always have a bunch of BLS at the bar going down in one down and one cuz whenever piss say sing it's always that same tune down down and whatever they're going to do next I'm going to the BG he's going to the B go to the B go to the B I'm going at the B he's go to the B go to the B go to the B I'm going home he's going home going home I'd like to see that bloke Gareth Malone from the serus the choir take on a bunch of piss heads wouldn't you okay let's try Yesterday by Paul McCartney after three one 2 three yesterday yesterday yesterday have you noticed piss heads always want to sing about how you're getting home have you noticed that you're going home in the [ __ ] ambulance it's all right if you're an ambulance driver you know you're going home in a [ __ ] ambulance I am actually how the [ __ ] you know like your psychical coming it's always the same with piss head it's great all that singing about how you're going to get on but they never offer any helpful travel options Z do they you're going to catch and IO through to the station then get on the mainline express service to Doncaster unless there major engineer and works in which case you're advised to change to a road placement bus service women are just as bad you ever see a hen night a bunch of girls piss out the red bashing each other over the head with a giant inflatable penis what's that about you never get a bunch of BLS on a stag dude do you bashing each TR over the head with a giant inflatable vagina do you know I I love the fancy dress hen night you'll always get that girl turn up at the pub dress this Wonder Woman going Wonder Woman 5 hours later you'll see a bunged out the pub doing exactly the same pissed out of her head [Music] going man she's just the woman you [ __ ] wonder about you know it's like that bloker is all excited about going out dressed in a Superman costume he's like Superman 5 hours later you'll see him behind the Chinese in exactly the same position going super man oh Rock is that a bird is that a plane that's [ __ ] carrot see whenever I see a bunch of girls out in a hen night I always worry about the bride to be wearing a veil and L plates is she really that innocent all that bashing over the head with a giant inflatable penis makes you wonder if she's not seen a real one before she's going to be in for a massive disappointment and point number two if she thinks that's how has done the groom is going to be in for a bit of a shock in he go hit me over the EG with it you sure love go [ __ ] hit me over the EG it's fantastic is it not for me love it a I just got a sore Soldier I got a sore Soldier here doesn't matter whether it's a stack do or a hen Knight when drinks involve you always end up doing something you regret the next day some piss head gets in his wife's like that what do you think you doing coming home at 5: in the morning I've got to be up for work at 6 no you never do anything you're proud of on your piss I mean Albert Einstein didn't come up to the theory of relativity on a lad's night out he wasn't standing at the bar going [ __ ] mc squ mc squ mc squ it's always something you regret like going to a lap dancing club you always get a bunch of pissed up Bloks full of testesterone in a lap dancing club paying to drool over something they can't have you know there's that woman in front of them on that pole going do you want these you can have Trum this you got have it's a con where else could they am you'd be really pissed off viewers up Gregs you know you just pay for that chocolate of Clair and the woman behind the counter is like you want this you got another ah and have you noticed have you noticed your clothes and her clothes don't get on have you noticed that remember when you bought your first wardrobe and your wife opened it and she went now listen that's your off and that's my off one week later you open that wardrobe all her clothes is pushed all yours up one [ __ ] end there's your big Lea jacket going [ __ ] help me out I'll be up by blous this morning never never never give your wife any room in the house cuzz they're [ __ ] rabbit they're like Starbucks you leave a little Gap in your house and they open a little branch of their stuff [ __ ] hats coats shoes jumpers all the women women [ __ ] it they love a bit of room in their house in their house you walk into our bathroom cuz of all the stuff it's like walking in a [ __ ] super drug I was standing there once a woman come out to serve me it was unbelievable women are the same in beds you get in bed with a woman at night you wake up in the morning you're hanging on to the edge of the [ __ ] curb outside you know what gets me 6 months later your wife will open that wardrobe we're going to have a clear out start chucking all your stuff [Applause] away you ask her why it looks knacked yeah that's cuz your stuff's been beating the [ __ ] out of 6 months you know we're going at the door she looks fantastic I look like a bag of [ __ ] that's something we don't do anymore we don't go out much actually is hard getting out the door your wife or your girlfriend ever done that you're going out for the night you're walking towards the door on your way out wearing something and suddenly they turn into the dorm but on the inside they go out no no no no no you're not going out like that you can't do that to her though are you going to have [ __ ] I was just going to say how nice it was look that's all we was going out once my wife was my wife walked in the room green eyelids [ __ ] green eyelids and shocking red lips went [ __ ] a puffins just walked in well it was weird it's the hair it's the hair when you're going out oh [ __ ] your wife would be upstairs for hours you know brushing it blowing it washing it at the end of all that they go it just ain't doing what I want it to do it's hair what the [ __ ] did you expect it to do line DS that's the best one have you ever done that your wife spent ages doing it hair you get in the car together you're on your way somewhere and you press the wrong [ __ ] window button close the [ __ ] window you idiot hey I can't hear there's a wind coming from somewhere CL them [ __ ] [ __ ] what you done to your air some Past Times and exercise I don't get you see these people they going walking all theay you know and now they cheat have you seen them cuz they use them ski sticks to [ __ ] help them walk you'll see them walking up a Country Lane in Boots going out good good morning how are you lovely day isn't it that's cheating that's what us on swimming having a couple of outboard motors to help us along you know you don't see the bloke doing the high job with a couple of helium balloons do you I tried running I tried running but have you tried buying a pair of running shoes these days it's a serious thing now you know you have to go to one of the hardcore running shops and you can't just buy a pair of trainers anymore no they take through a whole NASA space test to see if you're good enough for the [ __ ] trainers I'm serious soon as you walk into one of these running shops that blo walks up to your really tight shorts hi there how you [Music] doing probably noticed my knobs are a lot bigger than yours in these tight span [Applause] bcks I said I want a pair of trainers and he goes into this whole new language only Sports people understand what do you need the trainers for what Marathon hethlon Triathlon what what what what what I what the [ __ ] he's talking about I stop making stuff up anything with on on the end you know I'm doing a half telephone I'm doing loads of [ __ ] madon radam [ __ ] dingdong I don't know what the [ __ ] I said to him I said to him I'm doing a lot of resistance training at the moment he went a really resistance training I said yeah I want to do a bit of sport but I can't be asked next big humiliation puts you on the running machine he wants to see you running in the [ __ ] trainers come on let's see you on the treadmill let's see you running come on let's go come on let's go [ __ ] off why does he want to see me running in the trainers if I was buying a pair of swimming trunks would he make me put them on and swim around the shop would he let's see backstroke come on let's go butterfly TR water for me [ __ ] anyway right I needed a pair of trainers so I went to uh uh Sports Direct [ __ ] have you been in there I mean it's a [ __ ] [Music] shambles I mean there's like [ __ ] everywhere there is I walked in there I went like that [ __ ] sorry about your breaking I know Sports Direct didn't get done over in those recent riters we had in [ __ ] London you know they all ran in and we like F this one's been done it's like a [ __ ] blue Peter appeal in there and what the matter with the staff they ate Us in there don't they you walk in the AR I want some trainers to get in that little walkietalkie he wants trainers he wants trainers then he [ __ ] off where's he G I know he's gone he's going to pick up another walkietalkie at the other end you know tell him to go in tell him to [ __ ] off I know cuz when he comes back he's got [ __ ] all I asked for you want a size 10 yeah he's two size F [ __ ] you anyone that walks through the door you know you walk you asked where some years ago you go to the top floor walk around there for 4 days go to the second floor walk around there come back to me I tell you the [ __ ] off [ __ ] away and some of the stuff they sell have you seen it God who makes this stuff a fracture with no [ __ ] lights it's almost like a pair of daylow lemon Londale pants you know lilac jumbo siiz top with extra sweat vents Ginger leggings you know I mean where you going to wear this stuff unless you're going on the [ __ ] Jeremy Carl show you know what I'm saying you know what I'm [Applause] saying you see it's all seconds it's all seconds so you have like a pair of tracksuit bottoms but with a hood and the weird thing is is some of the people that wolf with the door it fits them excuse me my Lord you s those gloves with the six fingers in just s ear moth and you don't know what you are with adverts now one minute they're Whispering the next they're shouting at us there's loads of whispering adverts around at the moment have you notice there's one for a car advert they come on they go [Music] Automotion what Automotion [ __ ] where they record this down the library there's another one ssum it's a [ __ ] car ever trying to sell you a car so some bloke down the pub trying to sell you a dodgy one and it you want to buy a car hey keep your [ __ ] noise down there's loads of whispering ad there's another one there's another one goria why do they whisper that goria I know cuz that's how the doctor's going to tell you I'm afraid you've got goria cuz there's that other one chyia see now chyia that just sounds sounds like a posh name to me no I got this vision of this woman looking at at these French doors going oh clamidia camedia your teeth [Music] ready you know there's some disease don't Frump in the garden going okay I'm on my way it's syphilis out there with you cuz you don't know you are with that firsts you know one minute of the whispering the next hi my name's Barry Scott who the [ __ ] is that block shout and the dirt is gone this is a cleaning product that should wash out his ears cuz he can't [ __ ] hear anything you know he must have he must have really [ __ ] nervous kids at home that BL you know he reads him a bedtime story at night once upon a time there was a dirty toilet and I was watching I was watching that McDonald's I was watching a McDonald's advert today Ronald McDonald the clown fell you see on the adverts does he own a company cuz his name's Ronald McDonald I can't imagine what he's like at board meetings you know so boss what's the plan for next year I don't know [ __ ] it well he can't ever go with somebody for not taking work seriously you know who put that bucket of water on top of my door it was me do it [Laughter] again you don't know where you are and they actually advertise they actually adverti TVs on the TV coming by this TV hold on a minute if I need needed the TV how the [ __ ] could I wash your adward and have you noticed they keep advertising they keep advertising couches on the TV what is going on every day it's on every day come to DFS and get your couch it's on every day surely everyone's got a couch by now a't they it's not something you run out of at the end of the [ __ ] week is it you know you don't go in your Lounge go to sit down and go oh oh oh oh love we're on our couch is there one family left one family without a couch all standing in their Lounge completely exhausted watching that AAG gun you know what they coming [ __ ] handy one of them like when I was a kid we lived in this Council flat and when my mom and dad bought a couch they looked upon it as a major investment oh yeah every every month your mom would have around down the back of that couch looking for Loose Change she'd be like thrums oh any anyone that walked into our flat and they were chinking [ __ ] sit down put your feet up relax I love that I love watching TV with my wife you know you ever have that ridiculous conversation with your wife when you're watching telly it's hilarious they turned your wife had turned you and she go what time's that program on is it five or six and you go I don't know five and then she starts talking to dead people she go is it five or is it is it five is it f isn't sit who the [ __ ] you talking to with Derek aora you ever seen him Derek aora he's hilarious he's on about 3:00 in the morning and the lead a bunch of celebrities run a cold dark cell of an old house and they go hey you noce it's gone all cold and dark it's probably because we're not in [ __ ] Barbados oh psychic conversations gone all the time in our house you never know when the spirits may visit you ever had that point in this conversation with your wife it's dead quite in your land lounge and suddenly your wife will turned to you and she go what you love did you just say something then no no listen it's weird in our house at the moment my wife's going through a change it's [ __ ] weird we get all done up to go out she spend ages doing a lipstick but [ __ ] around her eyes she's having mood swings I say you're having mood swings she go no I'm not and the temperature's all over the place what is it with women anyway you get in bed with a woman at night they're [ __ ] boiling in bed it's like getting in bed with flame from the Fantastic Four you're do not [Music] love and she lay there all night going oh I'm [ __ ] freezing L I'm [ __ ] freezing get us up water bottle look go and get she wants a f she wants a hot water bottle that's a passion killer in the bedroom is it you don't see that in the poem films do you some woman standing there with no clothes on going I am good you know the pl walks in I know what you need Atul see I don't get all water bottles they smell a rubber they make funny noises when they get old they start to leak St been your nan and B with you any form of technology I can't get on with the microwave I can't even work a microwave oven see I don't get microwave ovens they were specifically invented to save us time so while that's cooking we can get on and do other stuff but we don't do we no cuz what you do is you put your food in there close the door press a button and just stand there watching it cook like come on I'm hungry sign has spent years making it really fast but it just isn't fast enough is it come on you bastard you know your microwave sitting there go [ __ ] up what's your problem what one [Music] minute bloes they try and cook everything it wants in the microwave they start balancing like baked beans on top of a potato and then on top of that that microwavable bag a mixed veg you know you press a button suddenly your food looks like a [ __ ] motor SOG with display team in there but it's food he never trained at the Chinese State circus after a while that bag of mix Edge gets all out St to droop it's up against the glass you can't leave anything in your microwave too long it goes mental porridge is the worst you know you leave porridge in your microwave too long it starts [ __ ] climbing over the bowl at you you know which is really weird cuz that's what you do when you start to eat it [ __ ] that see I love it I love it when women put hot food in their mouth because as soon as women put hot food in their mouth they start waving at it I what the I don't know what what the [ __ ] does that do so if you went up in a ball of flames and went ah she go why they look BL do the other one that you know when they put hot food in their mouth BL they do that sharp in take a breath suddenly starts talking [ __ ] clling on you know your wife sitting with you at the dinner table what's that love the Enterprise is coming past the sauce I can't go on with technology like the other day the other day [ __ ] I was in this shop buying a kettle you know I was in the what is it with shop stuff they're all wearing name badges what's the point it's pointless you go ah what's your name they go it's it's NB it's it's NB [ __ ] it's NB it's it's Brian you're looking it upside down for [ __ ] s I'm in this shop I'm buying a kettle I'm in this shop the woman behind the counter is like that can I have your address please I said well it's a cat or what you come around for a cup of tea those the other day an ice cream headache you ever had one of them you actually stopped functioning for a full minute stuns your whole body little piece of ice cream [Music] like you know the SAS use stun grenades to overcome them terrorist in the NBC Siege they should just thrown in some [ __ ] ice cream go go go go has Ripper you will never get to they should warn you about ice cream like that ADV on the TV at the moment when ice cream strikes you must act fast is one side of your face Frozen is your speech slurred too [ __ ] right it is then you could be eating a MC flurry so I never get these people that go to restaurants and they eat food that's so hot they're in agony when they eat it but they put up with the pain cuz it tastes so good you ever see these people you'll see them sat in a restaurant in a hot sweat gun I love thing to you I'm [ __ ] dying what's the point I mean we all like chips but you wouldn't stick your head in a deep fat fryer would you you know you're at the chiy you want them wrapped or open [ __ ] out me [Music] way I love gips I hate going to restaurants with me wife I hate that I hate when your wife complains on your behalf don't you right [ __ ] in it you know you say to your wife all secretly like this is C you going [ __ ] say something there go no no no no soon as the wait arrives he says his C guess whose dinner is going to be flobed in now nobody is Madame I shall heat it up for him [Applause] [Music] Dusty it's here [Applause] it I love that when you're in the air dressers you know when they when they put your head over the sink they all say the same thing is it have you noticed they only say that after the water's coming out you're in the sink no you bastard so you been [ __ ] water boarded in there that's what you're in for a short back and [ __ ] grade well it all takes a very Sinister ter when they wrap that Tower rang your head doesn't it they start leading you across a shop you don't know where the [ __ ] they taking you you're all disorientated I haven't done anything you know they tear that towel off your headed there's a bloke standing there with scissors gone what do you want I don't want nothing I swear I should do more sport I've never been a sporty bloke you know even when I was it scores like a [ __ ] and PE in cricket they used to send me out to the edge of the field go on Evans you [ __ ] I was always a Fielder I'd be miles from any state of play i' be on the edge of the field on me own going then what would happen is like Evans yeah I got it yeah yeah yeah yeah the javelin youed to see me with the javelin I was like yeah yeah yeah yeah basketball I was always more interested in the noise your shoes made on the basketball court you [Applause] know I tried that cage fighting I tell them bud is going to be [ __ ] vicious can't [Applause] they I bought one of those swing ball sets you know to play with the kids out in that in the garden even though it's a kid you're still quite competitive Ain you you're like if you're winning you're like skill that is skill if your kid starts to win you're laugh it's cuz you're the [ __ ] good bat if you manage to swap bats and he still wins you like hey what the [ __ ] you know you done to this bat

Channel: Lee Evans

Views: 645,685

Keywords: LEE EVANS, LEE EVANS COMEDY, LEE EVANS MONSTERS TOUR, LEE EVANS XL TOUR, LEE EVANS LIVE IN SCOTLAND, LEE EVANS ROADRUNNER, LEE EVANS LIVE FROM THE WEST END, LEE EVANS BIG AT THE O2, LEE EVANS FULL SHOW, LEE EVANS JONATHAN ROSS, LEE EVANS INTERVIEW, LEE EVANS LAST SHOW, LEE EVANS ALAN CARR CHATTY MAN, LEE EVANS LIVE SHOW, LEE EVANS BEST MOMENTS, LEE EVANS UP CLOSE, LEE EVANS COMPILATION

Id: o9qDlTelo2k

Length: 56min 16sec (3376 seconds)

Published: Thu Dec 21 2023