Zooming With the Homies (ZWTH) EPISODE 57

what up y'all what up people um something's going on we won't let them in so i have to send another invite real quick i don't know why it does that sometimes but it does chris so uh and let me just do that real quick real quick real quick like this dude so give me one second y'all bear with me and uh we gonna get this thing going man shout out to y'all pulling up though i appreciate you and who's the other person um here we go here we go cool all right so they should be in a minute y'all appreciate y'all pulling up man welcome to another episode of zuma with the homies um about to get this thing going in just one minute uh too busy to wait um he was obviously too busy to look at the flyer we got kelly kills we got comedian cp we got my homie uh clayton english and carissa krover um coming to this show so about to get started kelly kells is pulling in right now though what what's going on brother i can't call it man just maintain it where everybody else is um how you been i'm good i just got off the stage at uptown i said i'm coming through this in the green room oh snap you are in the grave road i know that wood yes oh stop how was the club oh it's dope it's dope it's um it's a collective a group of four girls they do their own little um improv but then they have like an open mic it's just it's really dope it's a nice audience here too um what's the name of the the collective we are on the fly okay super dope power right yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah that's dope i like it i like it i see you with the um the coronavirus way ah man i ain't listen i was going to the barber when they first what the hell going on man i see y'all in here look at y'all man looking like the quarantine ain't got you missing a step kelly kelly just got off the stage bro she in atlanta she in uptown well she she had to be somewhere with that wood grain background i was gonna say she in the she in the trunk of the uh over h town [ __ ] car i'm at a barbecue restaurant right next to the speaker box in the back of a body color i couldn't say the older okay oh what else see hey you know me man smoking good my [ __ ] clayton what up hey another episode of zuma with the homies man um thank y'all so much for pulling up man we have an amazing panel here for you guys tonight uh and we're gonna just kick this thing off like this first off pulling up um um first off pulling up we have a newcomer to the show um carissa is in the building she's an amazing comedian writer actor we actually did the same season of heart of the city together uh you know i'm saying the light skin heartthrob if you win ladies and gentlemen we got carissa on the show what's up ladies don't you bring me in like that boy got me in i'm trying to there you go there you go you might have to speak up just a little bit because your mic is coming in just a little low correctly it is oh i don't know how to fix it all right i can't even say oh it is i don't know how to fix that [ __ ] and all right anna [Music] [Laughter] um who we got up next oh another first time in this joint ran we got uh my homeboy man he's a hometown here in atlanta uh you still out here in l.a you went back to the eight no i live in l.a but i'm back in atlanta right now just to see family and everything so you know what it is yeah yeah hometown hero man uh you've seen them all over man one of the funniest people out here doing it all conscious brother smart but like nonetheless none of that takes away from his hilarity ladies and gentlemen you absolutely have to see him on stage we have from atlanta georgia mr clayton english in the building what's going on dude fam what's up man you brought me you described me better than i described me hey man i try to make i try to make everybody feel good when they come on the show man that's love to write that [ __ ] down because nobody be like so what's your comedy like i'll be like man i tell jokes [Laughter] clayton english uh won nbc's last comic standing um that the world ablaze and since then he has not stopped moving ladies and gentlemen um you guys if you're not fans already take note it's gonna be a great night uh next up next up man i'm glad to have you we have uh the beautiful the talented the funny the hilarious you might be the earliest episode you silly one of the earlier episodes of dammit and that you scared when we were actually still going by the name uh the internet is undefeated she came on and did something she was actually booked for the show a couple months ago but she fell asleep on the couch we have amazing comedian writer um producer director philanthropist and just black woman all around we have kelly kells in the building kelly kelly where you at you're uptown right now up town that's that green room hey [ __ ] right here stop everybody's working right that's dope [ __ ] great about the great wolf that wolf is sick uh next up definitely last but definitely not least ladies and gentlemen he is a crowd favorite returns almost damn near once a week uh you never get tired of him or reggie bo uh one of the comedians out that i've ever seen in my entire life effortlessly it just looks so easy i remember when i first met this dude one of the first times i met him we were roasting outside of mavericks flats and he didn't even like flex he was letting me get something off and he was just like oh okay okay cool he was literally doing recon so he could study how i went and since then he has never ever let me get another round director producer comedian actor father husband trap [ __ ] to the day he dies ladies and gentlemen we have cpp [Music] baby you can learn another town um one of the fire and most livest nighttime shows uh available for free this show will never be behind the paywall ladies and gentlemen i want you guys to get it raw and unfiltered as always so with that being said all i ask you to do is to take care of my guests kelly kells right now is on the road but as you all know y'all know what's going on so the fact that she's on the road let you know that she got it she got to make some things happen so since she's taking time out of her schedule like everyone else on the panel please bless them with a little something giving up their time and their energy while they're here tonight so at this time i'm gonna ask all my guests to change your name to your cash app name uh so that people can bless you for tonight and if you uh need help with it let me know for you kelly i can change it for you if you want me to i got it okay cool yeah if you if you could change mine because i i do not know how to do that like i'd be on the internet but i don't be like y'all be that's why that's why i'd be [ __ ] with y'all y'all really be on the internet i just be on it but i don't know how to do none of this [ __ ] that what's your uh what's your cash app name click dollar sign clayton english all one word come on man that's c-l-a-y-t-o-n english like the language if you can't that's easy breezy i don't want you [ __ ] with me like you just can't figure it out i'm trying to be educated wait let me read this hold up i don't know what i'm doing so clay wait wait no okay wait i think i got it look at this look at that you got it there's no space in it though right it's supposed to be no oh see see just take the space out i'll take it out for you real quick look what's the watch okay all right because i'm i'm i'm taking up time that's all you did it i did it i did it though way to go see you look look at me look at me look at me look at me i don't know i got this i got this look at that little voice i got it i had to talk myself through this i had to talk myself through that you talking yourself do a lot of [ __ ] don't you yeah every morning every morning jesus i got to get up [Music] don't thank you there you go what'd you say i said you can't talk yourself through everything though you know saying sometimes you gotta do it in your head i had this girl who was back in the day you know saying she was trying to give me some hair but she kept having to stop and talk to herself like you could do this clarissa you know what you know came back uh let's see i got back like last thursday so i've been here about a week now so yeah flew back on that good little red eye open down there oh everything open man [ __ ] that wasn't even open [ __ ] [ __ ] that been closed down for years is back open blockbuster video open trip club open i said what the [ __ ] is radio shack doing open blockbuster open [Laughter] can you you can't catch corona in the [ __ ] though it's a lot of stuff you can't catch a [ __ ] but like panties was a mask for the first [ __ ] plague back in the day you know that's where panties came out oh tell you like this annie said come standard anybody just thought of oh let's put the [ __ ] away immediately that that didn't happen something happened right you're right you're right you're right it was a pandemic yeah the only thing you got to worry about if a [ __ ] sneeze in your face you got it whatever it is that's all i'm saying so if you know what i'm saying you got to clock out you got to clock out some [ __ ] paid good money for them queefs you know what y'all are absolutely [ __ ] up i didn't say this on the stage kelly started it kelly kell started it is one girl blow out birthday candles yeah i'm terrible anyway where you calling from well i'm calling from calls from the bachelor of louisiana and i rolled the plane rose the plane thank you [ __ ] love your boys that's all right man how far is that from louis about um if you drive real fast you can get there in an hour okay oh you're so sweet chris [ __ ] like she's making spoonfuls of grits at a time that's how sweet spoon full of grits hold on but don't let don't let that that that small voice fool you bro she'll put a wood on you and you you will get out the car and every red light do the chicken head three times around your car right sunflower seeds with the seed still on them and she's making a voodoo doll right now she talked to her she's doing it down below what you think you got on your feet [Laughter] let me tell you what i got going on over here i got a heating pad three pillars a back filler blanket and i got an item and under this table you know what wait a minute you you got a heater backpack are you cold you got to eat what you found do it i did not fall this is just making this chocolate i have to do oh tell you right now hey man ain't nobody scared no hot water is that cold that cold with the [ __ ] don't wanna feel we don't [ __ ] with the shower cause we don't get none of the hot water god damn thing though just waiting we better get into the hot water we'd be in the back cold and then one stream of hot ass water will come and slice that nipple you're like god damn you gotta y'all be in there used to it y'all be in there yeah he's like we used to it yes yeah it should be that [ __ ] come over your shoulder like a laser and [ __ ] us up y'all come out the goddamn bathroom like it was a [ __ ] haunted house it'd be [ __ ] smoke coming up under the door what the [ __ ] is it dry ice party sanitized why do men try to have sex in the shower with black women knowing damn well we're not going to put our head under the water so i'm leaning my head to the side of the wall and [ __ ] first of all the real problem is some of your ass be too big to maneuver in the shower see that that's a real problem that ain't no problem that's the trick you gotta kill it kelly you're my girl but you got a big ass ass echo booty you be like oh whoa when you got a big ass you be in the shower you gotta ask if you can move around excuse me can i go let's why don't you turn that way and i'm gonna go that way and you go down all right come on all right well i'll be here then i'm playing with the uh together at a concert excuse me excuse me the airplane booty excuse me i'm sorry let me tell you what one of the scariest things that you could do in the shower is almost fall let me i i slipped in the water in the shower one time and i got so afraid i tried to grab the water and slap myself in the face on the way down afraid you have to be to try to grab water and it's not even like straight like it's like just like that like bruh you first of all if you almost failed depending on how old you are your body did fall whether you hit the floor yeah yeah yeah yeah like catching yourself catching yourself you ever pulled a muscle your neck and you got scared to here you know you [ __ ] up when you reach when you start reaching for anything to grasp when you get hit like if somebody punch you and you reach like like you have nothing left man that that's you trying to rely on on the strength of the lord like when you just that's what made you grab that water you didn't hit yourself right one of the scariest things you might just chop it you're gonna be hurt for a couple of days just chalk it up you're gonna be hurt i got [ __ ] up at the old uptown one time drinking some white hennessy you know this [ __ ] only come from the islands so when you show up with the white hennessy it's an event you can't turn it down i'm like oh give me a cup but i had nothing so i had like a coke hand and i just said pour it in there and they just poured it up i didn't even look how much it was i drank it the [ __ ] had me [ __ ] up i hadn't ate nothing i was [ __ ] up i remember passing out coming out of the bathroom uptown i hit my head on the wall i was reaching for [ __ ] for 10 minutes i reached for [ __ ] the whole way out the goddamn club bro that white hennessy had me thinking i got jumped hey i went it ain't just for women no more did it end well like 0.504 i'm on tpp i'm in miami met this chick from haiti my [ __ ] in florida too having a good ass time oh that wasn't your fault this one this one like perps and all that [ __ ] that just came out you know what i'm saying like the good week man and she had brought some fruit over and somehow man this was feeding me fruit next thing you know i woke up and i i was like blinking out i woke up she had my dick in her hand she was trying to what bro she wanted to get pregnant by my [ __ ] like she was trying to get me luckily for us rape dick be sleep you know what i'm saying my dick was like you gave us the [ __ ] you gave us the [ __ ] you gave us the wrong pill you're trying to rape your [ __ ] you know what i'm saying like best sleep of my goddamn life good as [ __ ] i ain't even need to breathe while i'm asleep oh 101 would you would you resort to fight i mean to biting to save yourself yes resort [ __ ] i'm coming out by you there's no rules to a [ __ ] there's no i'm an alligator [Laughter] if you try to punch me like i'm bruce lee roy like he catches the guy catch a bullet in his teeth [ __ ] oh man the gap is strong as hell [ __ ] think this is a regular [ __ ] this guy's been through some [ __ ] oh stupid mike mike that get been through mike mike baby mike mike hey dawg mike mike i just told james the other day so y'all i've been on stage so i've been on stage i did like a couple of weekends oak and everything right people just been y'all know i got a really sweet spirit but the devil been testing it real [ __ ] they been running on the stage like trying to fight me a stud ran on the stage tried to fight me what she said she wasn't she said she was coming to talk to me before i knew it james came out of nowhere and body slammed the [ __ ] oh flock you could body slam and stood that's a new law but i said no baby it's a woman he grabbed the bride's shirt and looked at her like get up out of here [ __ ] i'm sorry wait how did he slam her he slammed her he took her she was she was mad stare up that [ __ ] took her slammed her to the ground like the undertaker like one-handed like he probably grabbed her up on her arm like on her armpit like this and then slammed her you know the story is going to change every time you ask me did you make a girl sound was it was it a girl's sound was it a girl no no it was it was a distress sound it's like all the air came out of every end of her body like this why why does she run up on the stage dude she was booing she was booing everybody the whole time and when i got on stage i said [ __ ] if you wanna sit that gilligan island shirt down you you're the worst looking stud in this [ __ ] you mad i said how are you a horrible stud don't nobody want you [ __ ] are [ __ ] i just gave her 50. right it was great and she came on the stage james one going that [ __ ] hit that first stair oh that [ __ ] [Music] show where i was when i was studying the stud and i would take you all through stud habitats that's it funny that's brilliant okay they talk [ __ ] like a [ __ ] and then they'd be like wait i'm a girl i know you're not no you're not you're something else you're a minotaur that's somebody in the comments called tv and they say said i'm a stud and i approve of body slamming studs oh we all been in the uh the house for the past couple months cp i know you you were doing it hella um pretty quickly after the quarantine hit you were showing off the the queuing skills man you were showing us what you were you killed you were down there queueing five days out of the week man has um anybody else been uh queuing like that no you know what i ain't going no i've been cooking my ass off but it ain't been on no barbecue grill like no i'd be a crackhead for real i just never did crack it my thing is anything i like i overindulge till i can't even look at it normally i can't look at a red right now free access to it oh [ __ ] it's a wrap it's a wrap you know what i'm saying i'm doing it every [ __ ] the first whatever anyway somebody just requested in to the show i don't know how they got the link or what we i should bring a man just so we can roast their ass who is it i don't know a bunch of [ __ ] at magic city you silly i don't know who it is let's see let's see if it's a stud oh man why'd you beat why'd you be the goddamn the lawyer right the johnny cochran for the stud my client took the cake they got four signatures deeply in my eyes it was a great soundtrack that's definitely a stud basement [ __ ] living in the basement what is this this [ __ ] got the wrong number put it on put it back come back hit the wrong number i blocked them i blocked them already i blocked them i don't know i don't know how you got it the internet [ __ ] boy that [ __ ] crazy ain't it though really good at this [ __ ] just come in the room with complete strangers to you just pop up weird ass dirty anytime you ain't got no hair on the side either you supposed to goddamn be good at a sport or you got a goddamn adjust to regular life it has some dreadlocks braided into a croissant oh miguel i don't know who your boy jay are you silly you just playing i'm like i don't know who that [ __ ] was bro i don't know how he got the the link away yeah that'd be so weird when people do that type of weird [ __ ] and walked in here got his ass roasted that's what i wanted i want to slide in like hey everybody get your goof ass out of here oh crap [ __ ] gotta get there [ __ ] uh you been from louisiana you know how to fish yeah do you know how to fish my daddy do i don't know i don't know i go out there and just watch do you uh i mean i could like i know what it i know how to do it like i could i throw it and you throw the pole in there and then you sit wait that's how i do it that's what i do you know you cast your hands okay i throw the whole poland you know and then you just let it set you let it set there you know and then you gotta be quiet you can fish with firecrackers too huh you can fish with firecrackers too if you but you gotta be knowing that right first of all first of all first of all detroit got money have y'all heard about the new monkey buying epidemic [ __ ] got monkeys in the deep a lot of them let's go right [ __ ] [ __ ] broke into the zoo he's gonna have on parties they're not even puppy monkeys they're like full grown my bad claim try and say something i'ma co-sign this you want an exotic animal detroit the place to go [ __ ] yeah like this is before the monkey epidemic if you wanted to alligator [ __ ] got him in the bathtub you wanted the [ __ ] tiger club that [ __ ] got him in the suburban you wanted a [ __ ] uh what you want a slog yeah i know a [ __ ] got a guard sloth he got a guard sloth now look it ain't fast but that [ __ ] get a hold of you [Laughter] i'mma [ __ ] get a hold of you i'mma [ __ ] chase you down like michael myers slow his head like just being in detroit what was that what's wrong with backlash man [ __ ] had uh flying squirrels my boy had a squirrel i grew up when he had a flash girl i just flew away they eat so many lamb chops the lamb ain't safe in detroit yeah for real hey yeah i [ __ ] with that though i had some good lamb not too long ago man that [ __ ] is so [ __ ] delicious is if the pig was in the wheelchair only on the front eastern pigs feet is it the pig was a paraplegic pig who wasn't using them feet because then the feet get fat tender but that [ __ ] been walking around and stomping on [ __ ] i'm not going to eat them goddamn you wanna you want a very gelatinous foot you want the [ __ ] to be very latin that [ __ ] gonna do wonders in the slogan you want all your [ __ ] [ __ ] fire some look look that's all of us that's [Laughter] oh when you go to chicago you think you can percolate [ __ ] you just get off as soon as you get across the stage i never liked that one because we're in the club we hit the club we hit the club to dance right you can't dance with no chick while she's literally hitting the split and she's going to get in the crackle i saw a girl on the dance floor at st andrews and somebody stepped on her knee and bent it back and crushed it you got to be careful it was a fight she was doing the splits and then security was trying to break it up but they had stepped back crunched their knee to the ground like a roach um and then i asked where that would have never happened to my knees gymnastics ain't for the club you're not supposed to be guys a little like her knee would have got crunched you like you got a little needle in my body every bit of my body out y'all had to roll me out of there hey he would have slipped i like the new rappers like the baby and and some of the young thug but bro ain't nothing better to me than riding in an old school bump some gang uh some project pack some old three six mafia yeah i'm talking about some old ugk should make you go into whatever the [ __ ] you finna do the right amount of aggression because yeah he make anything rhyme this is project let me get the facts out okay some of the coldest rappers they have some of the most simple rhyme schemes boy i'm saying like just some of the most natural flow bro pimp c super duper natural flow dawg like what you talking about breath smelling like some thunder they asked the question do you want to [Music] rise we in the back of a caddy with all these [ __ ] i i don't know a [ __ ] that that would be appealing to [ __ ] oh and there's something else oh i thought that [ __ ] names was do or die i thought that was their name like i thought they were like hey who which one do y'all just do dad we made sure to make we met your writer i'm gonna take a plethora of midwest people uh-huh where y'all get that country [ __ ] from cause y'all i'm not that country or maybe i don't see it y'all was smoking on hand in the middle of the barn nelly in the state lunatics had cows doing [Music] look bro places like chicago chicago [ __ ] are country when you hear them [ __ ] talk chicago [ __ ] is country st louis [ __ ] is country bro like you don't get like proper midwest until you get to ohio michigan and wisconsin yeah but see like [ __ ] like chicago illinois bro everybody look everybody folks came from mississippi in georgia from the south anyway yeah ohio memphis ain't [ __ ] but four hours maybe yeah four hours away from st louis the same with chicago louis as four hours from chicago four hours of memphis and they couldn't be more different from each other in st louis we say soda in chicago they say pop they take pot yeah to them them [ __ ] man you going to hang out at the solar fountain [ __ ] grow up you like [ __ ] that's why i say grow up i guess i gotta say pop [Laughter] we say totally couldn't be different from each other but i it's some country [ __ ] crazy you can tell what side of detroit a [ __ ] is from hot from how he dressed if a [ __ ] wear a all yellow suit with yellow shoes yellow socks and a yellow hat that [ __ ] from the east side of detroit okay what the yellow means just like with that [ __ ] where the cheddar boys from [ __ ] east side cheddar boys east side shuttle boys but if you know they from they from you know i'm saying i'm from the west side when i go to the east side it's parts of the east side to feel like out of town like wow like you know it is it is a little country parts and they might feel the same way about the west side you know what i'm saying but yeah bro it's crazy how country [ __ ] from the midwest actually is bro that's deep that you pointed that out because [ __ ] were here mad like you know and so do st louis [ __ ] uh west is a sweet spot for the world like when i say me what's the best i truly mean it but no disrespect to nobody else it's just that we just oh well i'm gonna take it i'm gonna take the disrespect but you can have it you if you wanna take that and take it but literally let me tell you why that is because we we're in a center so we did everything so why the east coast and west coast war was going on [ __ ] we was getting we was getting like i knew biggie lyrics the same way i knew snoop lyrics [Music] [Music] oh yeah but i'm just no but they could probably order this barbecue i [ __ ] with mack drake and i [ __ ] it but i get it y'all it's a good crossover but different well listen when two five came to milwaukee he came for a concert called jam for peace they snatched tupac chain and ran them up out of there in milwaukee [ __ ] is crazy like it's just it's different it's different which tupac was this oh tupac like two boxer core like his right hey y'all better look it up they ran up out of there it's real live killers from milwaukee i believe it it's killing the [ __ ] about it i believe her because the way she said that i believe i believe i'm gonna tell you guys but nothing with a t-shirt that looked like to here milwaukee got a lot of light-skinned [ __ ] with red and freckles but that [ __ ] ain't about no [ __ ] get like it's like a friend hammond factory up in milwaukee [Music] so i posted that video my homeboy saw it he sent it to the owner of the clothing company and was like yo check this [ __ ] out dude loved it i think next week you gotta love it kansas city to speak to your point clayton first of all they got a big this following in kansas city like i know i know yeah poor body in kansas city like this with the shirt over their face hard like they like they was raised in the bait right but it was all because of mac dre and the rest of those guys that i don't know how they brought that hyphy movement to kansas city but it's it's there it's it's weird because kansas city is it's in kansas city kansas and there's a kansas city missouri too yeah y'all don't [ __ ] with each other y'all don't [ __ ] they don't know yeah they don't [ __ ] with it y'all ain't even separated by no bridge or no river it's just like [ __ ] read about kfc you go outside of this kfc you get [ __ ] up but you could be in the kfc on the other side of this [ __ ] try me you know come on come over come on past the kfc it's the red side of the white side to the kfc [ __ ] you choose oh i'm from the south florida georgia all that [ __ ] born in alabama i ain't stayed there long but yeah so i'm still here so you know it's okay hey you louisiana so luigi in louisiana yeah i mean i mean it's open i mean people don't the same thing they do everywhere else you don't want to wear a mask but we back in school so i'm the builder huh they're inside there's no virtual learning no no no i'm doing a virtual but you know we're gonna do it till labor day and then we'll see i thought she was way smarter boy the whole time my daughter she's eight um they told me she was on a fourth grade reading level so she's in all accelerated classes but today i'm thinking they need to take her back to her regular grade because this [ __ ] is too advanced hey listen she's about to do the wrong answer and [ __ ] i'm like oh so you think it's c you thinking c she like yeah i'm like why wouldn't it be d i'm like oh [ __ ] yo this [ __ ] i thought she was waiting you like yelling that baby yeah please don't let that baby see this i'm pleased you would never see this man this could have never ever worked with tyler dumbasses in school he was like y'all have been sick every day i i can get on i don't what's your go-to meal you look like you get down a little bit in the kitchen oh my go-to meal is snow crab we boil them right up on the stove it's delicious yeah you got to what you putting in that water what's your seasoning you got to put your onions you got to put your lemon you got to put all you can put garlic in there get you a good garlic and then you put your what i don't even know the measurement of what you put in like garlic when you get that smell to that level then you let that boil that's why louisiana winning i'm sorry carissa what you just said that's what this is in the seasoning she said it's a smell the recipe should have a smell that's it you gotta smell it you gotta smell it just put enough in there you go one two three four you be like nope not ready at six seven [ __ ] just go sing that's that's it that's it and then you got the face a little bit squeeze a lemon in there you let that boil when it gets frosty on the top get a little frosty on the top that's when you're going to put some potatoes in there you got to get your sausage in there put them wet potatoes okay you get that nice once that's nice you gotta look in that you take your spoon you gotta sip out the side if you hit the back of your throat strong it's ready all right get it ready listen to me i'm so i'm so like encapsulated by yeah by black people and listening to this business the dialect in the dialect it's like man that's just amazing amazing listen everybody appreciates us and we got to appreciate ourselves but we all we appreciate the [ __ ] out of these real life just listening to that appreciate it they [ __ ] appreciate it they just turn it into a dialogue and then it be weaved into everything yeah we need a [ __ ] okay carissa can you teach this white lady how to talk like she from new orleans yes that should be like singing to me yeah you make groceries yes i mean you know what that she made groceries don't you ever take no goddamn glasses off like that you scared the [ __ ] out of me well hold on what did he just do [Music] [Laughter] oh no get your big allergic reaction face looking ass out of here i didn't see the bumble bee face looking now [ __ ] allergic to laughing what kind of [ __ ] is here every time i laugh i swear i didn't know it's gonna be grass [Laughter] yo that [ __ ] take his glasses off like so let me get this stupid girl i didn't laugh now hey this is as close as we can in one room bro like let me let me all i always think about how thankful i am for this platform for us to like catch up laugh share stories share recipes get to know each other better i don't know how many of you guys familiar with carissa but from now he's like yo when you see her [ __ ] on instagram oh let me check it out let me you show us some love let me see what you talking about because we are always used to coming and going as comics but unless we go to each other and we're doing a run but other than that like on a normal thursday [ __ ] would be out in clubs so like the fact that we're able to take care of great bread um again y'all please make sure you take care of my guests man send them a little something um but yeah man like just catch up and have fun and laugh bro like this [ __ ] this is probably priceless it feels like the green room i know kelly kills you in the green room but it feels like we all in the [ __ ] green room right now i think the pandemic showed us all how much we truly really do need each other right because a lot of times we we we do go but we need each other like a [ __ ] to just build each other right back up because guess what as much as we've got our spouses our friends they don't understand how hard that [ __ ] hurt when we ain't just stopped or [ __ ] just stopped i don't know about you being on the road this was meant for us to have this thank you this is me yeah yeah connecting dots now [ __ ] like oh oh i see you and you see people in different lights like hey man come get some of this money i got over here okay let me drop this bread in your pocket come on now come on now i'm trying to get my whole house ass coffin right now you wouldn't say that's the great thing you've never seen a coffin with with wood grain and linoleum all through that uptown comedy corner for always [ __ ] with black people when people didn't think that she was doping up uptown [ __ ] with me the hard way and i [ __ ] with uptown and [ __ ] i promise i don't always get my money and [ __ ] don't [ __ ] with me right now i ain't [ __ ] if you ain't [ __ ] with me then [ __ ] you gonna be stuck because that i'm never coming to your [ __ ] [Music] hey all i can say about uptown is that [ __ ] is gonna give you what the [ __ ] it is if you can rock that [ __ ] beer from atlanta whatever iteration this goes back to the old one that was goddamn in buckhead where you had to go upstairs just go back to the other one that was on marietta street next to the goddamn dancers elite on stilettos so boy but every time he went to that [ __ ] it was gonna be some [ __ ] heat that's why i love that's why i love learning how to do comedy atlanta because we always embrace [ __ ] and especially when we talk about the midwest earlier we would always embrace the midwest [ __ ] because they came down and did not give a [ __ ] and the [ __ ] felt familiar for them and they went up and they would get down and they and they'd be deleted versus they tell them listen they like hey you do it i'm like let me show you let me do it let me go give me the mic give me the mic you we kevin durant when that [ __ ] was at the goddamn combine [ __ ] and they was like oh you can't bench press you can't [ __ ] brother like give me the basketball that [ __ ] was like oh [ __ ] [ __ ] he's got his own leg that [ __ ] shot at three and damn they killed himself hold on you don't get your big mr glass looking ass out of here [ __ ] like it's amazing he made it that far seven foot two and that [ __ ] built like the uh the indian [ __ ] off street fighter yeah he built like that christmas jack skellington don't do that don't do the slim reaper like that don't do this an assassin he's just shawty shawty walking around this [ __ ] with lime green braids and a spray on beard boy this [ __ ] is that this [ __ ] got to stop and i don't give a [ __ ] and i hope this is live i've seen this in the other night when you make anything to me i'll lick my thumb and ruin this [ __ ] day look at cp today hey i ain't gonna lie man a [ __ ] [ __ ] my mama up like that whoa whoa he hugged my mama he hurt my mama and then my mama had a little a little wrap around because because it rubbed off and all the women by the end of the gender reveal we had to reveal their genders because people would call them like who your uncle [ __ ] that's my mama okay you know what i'm saying hey lakers is up 30. the lakers up 30 on them [ __ ] the lakers up 30. oh milwaukee just won my [ __ ] well they need to be cause dame lilly got them i'm not calling him dame no mo that's [ __ ] you say his whole name that [ __ ] is damien yeah you are damien lillard the way he is right that's what that [ __ ] say game [Music] i'm about to just run to the car okay be safe people want to steal that charger but i mean you all right that's all right you gonna run out and leave us in the wood grain room she gonna leave us in a room full of now my phone gets sticky i don't know what we're gonna do your phone is stuck somebody be using your phone who was calling all these roaches [Laughter] roaches on the phone man i got a cousin in new york hey that's how they be texting with the antennas though they doing them with their titties they strong with their antennas with their antennas they scroll but they do it [Music] instagram name is smash me smash me follow me at smash me wish you would smash me wish you would smash me oh [ __ ] that's my cousin hey i smashed my cousin last week i ain't supposed to be here i'm supposed to be here [ __ ] are they still taking pictures at the joint they got lou williams wings at magic city oh man yeah i can i can't i ca i can't do it man i will tell you this though a lot of you got some good ass food down there what i wasn't impressed by was there are crickets though i i i never really never really never like that sit here i'm gonna tell you the truth man we [ __ ] with it because that [ __ ] would be open yeah you understand what i'm saying it used to be way more convenient because it was right down smack in the middle of town right here near the varsity right near georgia tech that yeah it was convenient they always had the littlest wings it became a little where i remember saying you know what they call jr crickets because these have to be cricket wings ain't no [ __ ] way this came from no [ __ ] chicken like out like but they didn't do it they said they bro these [ __ ] is straight hummingbird meat you know what i'm saying they were so small played so small i you know what i did [ __ ] with though i would get i would get towed up at no moss over there on peter street the uh it's like a taco joint oh no no yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah sit back in between um yeah peter street over there like uh two train [ __ ] escobar and all that [ __ ] and uh peter street always be popular and uh that [ __ ] they used to crack that was a good look you used to have the most fun in that area and then some [ __ ] up [ __ ] happened and then you would be like i was just at that bro i didn't know like what the [ __ ] did my [ __ ] shirt oh not even one block away at the end of the block it was it was tapas 255 then it was sliced it was a sneaker store and literally there was a gas station right at the end of the block somebody would get shot at the gas station you be like yes you talking about the sneaker store that locked the door yeah sneaker store that locked the door you had to knock on that and then they had to size you up basically you had to look like you had money hey i was i came with that [ __ ] i said man [ __ ] the sneakers i want a brick what y'all doing in here man y'all y'all uh i'll be going to these towns dog and i'll be buying my [ __ ] self and i'll be [ __ ] like y'all never go to these towns on the road bro you better me i don't know nobody here i don't know what to eat [ __ ] i'm in madison wisconsin i'm in [ __ ] i mean uh uh south carolina even though south carolina i always go to cookout but um cookout cool yeah they got them there yeah [ __ ] atlanta i mean atlanta already know where to go i never been to jail crickets never been to american deli american deli is fam american delhi ain't nothing special this is where you need to go man this me this me talking i'ma tell you take your [ __ ] ass to busy be all right if your [ __ ] saying take your [ __ ] ass somewhere you gotta go like [ __ ] like yeah what about keep talking about that hattie bees is cool cause they showed us love when we was working on wilding out and i did not know about hattie bees and if you go back in my instagram feed we posted some [ __ ] for hattie b's goals goals they they're a little new on my radar but hattie b's mother um and the weekend they got these things called crab claws carissa you know how to make those that's the most delicious thing that could have crab claws hey kelly kells what is it the crab got to make the crab claws you if you can make some crab claws appear out of thin air imma drive hey what do you need what are you knocked off i work for you it can happen for you it has to it can happen for you you don't know you don't know what can happen now wait a minute wait i see everybody talking about these little wings ain't that like the wing that's real though when they be little a lot well we used all these big ass wings but that'd be like the steroids come on cp come on man you know it's a it's a winged sweet spot am i right yeah yeah they like right there like right here no nobody want a vulture nobody wanna guess buffalo wild wing [ __ ] be snobby no [ __ ] not trying to meet the flintstones but too little it's like this was not a chicken this is scary bird it was a tank it's a touchy small underdeveloped way awesome i don't want it i wonder what sickness it got involved with before they fried it i don't like it do y'all ever feel like the demand for chicken is so high that they pulling the puppy chickens before they're ready and they frying them up and they're not even popping chickens you say what they chicks they need to be real quick hold on let me show you guys something real quick while we talking about it so check this [ __ ] out right here what is this it was in a house fire come on man that's a dinosaur i get medieval on that [ __ ] right there though bruh why is it that big though bruh i don't care where these lobsters come from man that's the odds australian rock lobster yo you not wrong that that [ __ ] got to be prehistoric to even get there you're not wrong you're not wrong and guess what it probably was smart as hell look how long it lived yeah right it probably was mad at his own business like is it even tender like if if it got that big at all tastes like yo grandma purse man that [ __ ] tastes like straight dooney and burke y'all go to detroit y'all got to go to bucharest what they serve what do they serve it's like it's like put it like this it's like a middle eastern type of shawarma right but imagine this they did shawarma yeah i don't wanna know i don't know listen they did it they did with that [ __ ] what taco bell did with the taco like they made it their own flavor that [ __ ] is fire i'm telling you like the chicken all that [ __ ] fire then of course coney island but they got more than hot dogs though they got like breakfast all day long coney island is like american deli it's like american delicious really that's what i've heard is it yes yes because american deli is wingspan cheese steaks everything all that made by uh people of asian descent but they know all the hip-hop wait wait this is like a fair or something why is it affair is it right what coney island is there no no no coney island that's what they call it and they got a bunch oh no they never been what i'm saying but they famous for the coney island hot dog which is a hot dog with chili and onions and mustard with a whole bunch of [ __ ] on it okay yeah but then they do like they do yeah it's chilly but then they do like uh then they do the chili fries and all of that and then you got to hit this restaurant called uh cuzzo's and then like you know like baker's is fire it's a couple spots in the city that's like you know and i haven't been back in a minute so should be closing down quarantine got [ __ ] out of business i don't want to speak but i don't know but i'm just gonna write that down jamaican pot on eight mile we're on seven mile right now right but it's on eight miles you're not on seven mile though are you in the house i hope you're in the house hey hey hey we don't know we only we on we on the siege [ __ ] my kids screaming for we on the cfa who oh no no no you never know [ __ ] you know what i'm saying y'all know what's going on in here you know it'd be a whole different world i got all girls i ain't got no son so like when they do [ __ ] it'd be like if they choose to include me i'd be like okay thank you guys you know daddy could come i am outnumbered in this [ __ ] me and my dog is the only males in the quiet whistle i i think everybody's leaving i'm about to pull off too it looks like you're in a squad car kelly kell's working advice y'all [ __ ] don't blew my cover i'm really undercover right i just saw your police computer [Laughter] you know they're clocking cars as they drive live and all you [ __ ] going to jail for talking about weighing up chickens the whole thing they claim somebody said tell us about mr everything oh yeah i wasn't going to leave them out i missed everything is great mr everything is great get it with rice you can get it as a salad what is it what you mean is it a mystery everything or is it all right fam when you go in the midst of everything you gotta trust mr everything okay mr everything know what the [ __ ] he talk are you allergic to something look at the menu if you not let mr everything and them do what the [ __ ] they do so what he does i got paid for i'll go ahead so no no no he's going to give you what you pay for but it's the griddle is you can get chicken you can get the beef you can get the lamb like the the gyro meat whatever you can get salmon and he put it with like bell peppers onions uh [ __ ] tomatoes a bunch of book a bunch of goddamn [ __ ] like all the goddamn vegetables that you need to be [ __ ] eating you know the [ __ ] you don't eat but you need to like he put that [ __ ] in there and then you got them come on man it's a little piece of broccoli i thought it was broccoli it was bok choy who would have knew so but no but he put all that [ __ ] in there and then you put it and mix it together you can get it as a salad but it's gonna [ __ ] the lettuce up i wouldn't recommend it i recommend getting it over rice and he just put your plate together and that should be awesome so i [ __ ] missed everything yeah definitely have y'all ever heard of something called a gym shoe this with all the meat gyro meat um philly cheesesteak meat um that's gotta be midwest some people call it uh oh yeah that's from tennessee that's from memphis right but they got it the hot chicken chicken is good i [ __ ] with gus hey they got a heroes out here they got a heralds on hollywood boulevard that [ __ ] [ __ ] they got the heroes here too they got a hills in atlanta yeah yeah all right chicago they need one in the deal [ __ ] with us [ __ ] hey dude i got a question the heralds in chicago do they just buy up old check cashing places because every herald feels like a championship place like i don't think at least two heroes at least two and i was like hey can you uh hey but imagine if the idea for check cashing places came from heroes a [ __ ] walking up like you know what you know what where did you get this thick-ass glass from [ __ ] friend i finished our friend up checks in this bit i can see it now chicken chicks my first been the same word it was called chicken chicks so what i decided to do was lose the chips what is it mild sauce that's the mild sauce right sauce fire yeah mild sauce and mojo sauce i hate that mysterious every summer i look forward to getting like a a good ass turkey leg from like a fair or disneyland or something like that man this this cold [ __ ] has really [ __ ] up my plans with this turkey leg man man to hear you'll be losing weight and i'll be forgetting that you'd be saying a little hefty [ __ ] sometimes every but yeah i look forward to it you know a good ass turkey leg [ __ ] i love you it makes you feel like a king it makes you feel like a king it made you feel like gay it dude yeah you said it like the beginning of a b.e.t movie i bet you wonder how i got here every year i look forward to a turkey lit okay hit the stage we know that what else y'all planning on doing i'm out vacations nothing no vacations anything like that man i'm gonna try this somewhere yeah i'm gonna try to go with my whole family to the cheapest place possible where i can get everybody you know what i'm saying like what can i afford where everyone could come and i'm gonna try to run it from there you know what honestly right now it may be the virgin islands bro because you don't have to have everybody have a passport and it's still they rebuilding right now right so they rebuild and bruh but they got their resorts and it's still the beaches we used to go get the white hennessy [Laughter] i don't want no more whites like that you good on it i think a nice out-of-town mcdonald's play place would be hard for the family right now why are you stupid but like a one like you know saying we didn't went to arizona when today's [ __ ] are we out of time mcdonald's play place apple pies it's just live where can i pay for everybody yeah nah i don't even really have it right wolf lodge stop that stop that the indoor water slide ain't that great as soon as somebody's [ __ ] in the way pool it's over hey [ __ ] i almost died on that water slide at my daughter's birthday couple years ago bro almost slid off the side of that [ __ ] [ __ ] if if my back bleeding y'all need to redo the slide y'all gotta you know what i'm saying like this [ __ ] ain't slick enough to slide you know what i'm saying like boy you ain't thick enough to ride small body how the hell are you oh i ain't never sleep my big first of all first of all kelly you're waiting just enough to stick your ass right to the slide i barely i'm never sliding off a slide listen when you get out the water you know you make a sound you be like because the water build up behind you uh if you run through what is it called carissa baby one more time please baby let me tell you i went to the waterfall that wave pool you got to be careful you have to be very careful with this because they didn't i went out there trying to proceed because i don't have a lot of money let me say i just that's my life and i went out there trying to be exotic got in the way pool and got one of them little donuts got my legs on there and i was having fun god get some churn on my way i'm fit to live i was dreaming and they kicked that up they kicked them waves up to a 10. that's what their wave machine on a 10. you understand what i'm saying and that thing went like that and those weights hit me and knocked my ass off my donut and i crashed into that water y'all don't understand i was like it's over with i'm that good i can slumber not too slim you know i can't swim like that and i kept trying to shoot up try to shoot up and get out and save myself and i kept going back down y'all i shot i kept shooting back down my fourth time i shot up i said that's it that's it i'm trying to sway food and let me tell you something it was my time because the lord saw me and he sent an angel and a hand reached down and got me out of there let me tell you who got me though i thought it was a grown-up who was a small over-fashioned nine-year-old girl she told me that young girl scooped me up like this and i held on because i was safe with her in her bosom and she carried me to the front there's a lady and i'm still upset because then i was i was about to go you know what i'm saying i was about to go my kids were going to slide somewhere big safe i didn't try to go to the weight pool by myself i want you to tell us one more time what that hand did what the hand did what that's a blessing i'm telling you baby it came from heaven i said it it wasn't the girl you went this girl get me and i looked and said give me give me give me give me give me you know you know when you bother me for bringing her into the world i say ma'am thank you for having me i was gone that day so cp you slid off that slide and i was somewhere drowning in the way they would they would have found her in the filter of the pool damn 92 pounds she must have fell out the little donut come here come in let me show you how small i really am come here come here y'all think i'm y'all think i'm trying to look come here this is my child right here this is my whole child right here amazing [ __ ] i had her breastfeeding her earlier she she sucked you down she's 17 years old she puts me in the bed i'll be like scoop your mom up lay me down she can say to me give me give me give me let me get me somebody coming to fight me she'd be like look don't hit my mama she's not your size i know she saved me i love my child that's why i am too my son is taller than her i have to i just have to that's it kelly you got what one i got one a eight-year-old a girl baby look you she gonna get better she's goofy and she's smart she just played too much she played too much yeah my daughter actually got better grades um how old is he he's 14. you only got one yeah yes that one man when people say yeah like that they like they better than everybody else for more than one yeah i was saying because the reality is it gets harder when she's grown it does yeah hold up she pulled out the driveway for no reason to hit the house and kept going what how you hit the house baby like it was it kind of curved around how i turned around the house can't come around i got an eight-year-old i mean a nine-year-old and a six-year-old clayton do you have any kids hell no man i ain't got no kids i just no i don't think i'm better than y'all i just check on kids in the neighborhood like hey man them shoes look [ __ ] up until your mama get at me hey listen i hate you those of us who are parents on here is it kind of hard to be comedians and try to be serious as [ __ ] with your kid cause they know you funny they don't take [ __ ] seriously i like savannah stop playing she's like i'm like i'm serious stop i got a question do the comedy bleed into the kid [Music] but do they be thinking faster than you that's the [ __ ] that's like you i that's why my kids if i had them they would be getting unnecessary weapons like how you know they would have performed i'll be like that was a good timing got me my son has uh asperger's syndrome so he has like social things but he was little yeah so you know like it was it was okay because i knew something wasn't right i was like why is he doing the things he's doing his teaching he was about six that was like i think he might have you know asked me i was like let me look that up and see what's going on because i didn't quite know what it was but then everything made sense but his everything they just say whatever just whatever he wants to say so that was a challenge for me because i was like check with me check with me first before you let it out check with me and then we can both agree if you can let that out so things will happen you probably do yeah you for sure got it there's some red snacks it's red flakes yeah it's red flakes he wasn't on the woman's house look who's on the woman's aisle and i was like come on let's let's bring it real quick and they had taught him to read so he was catching words real fast i said keep on going he was like hold up hold up i need to ask you something i was like what is it remember we agreed you could talk about this first whisper to my ear but again with asperger's make whispers to them it still laughs out so it's gone hey i said it's not a whisper wait a minute said what is what kind of bread do you use with ky jelly [Laughter] you eat cake i say a week and we it's dry so we don't need it and i kept on we don't need it they could read though you can be as smart as [ __ ] yeah i teach pre-k the boy told me he said you keep pronouncing the the the day of the week with the w i said no i'm not you told me yes yes that's a wet nest day it's not wednesday it's wednesday i said okay that's how trump pronounced it probably that [ __ ] yeah that [ __ ] pronounced that [ __ ] went next day we were at yosemite we're at the yosemite park and dana [ __ ] that's great please do it again with a g that [ __ ] said vagina we only talked about him taking the uh taking the dementia test and did y'all see that uh-uh let me see that yeah he was it was something he was uh took the test for basically dementia and he was saying you know um i packed it with flying colors i was like he was like remember these numbers and then say the numbers behind me really easy text and he was like that pastor will find colors i was like you should you probably should if you're pregnant i'm confused um yes i was too that's crazy that's you know what i'm saying like i think that what's funny with my daughter being funny is that like okay my family grew up with me so they know me they know how i was when i was a kid right my wife's family is experiencing my kid and they like what the [ __ ] she ought to do you know what i'm saying but i'm watching them be amazed by how funny she is and then how that fuels her to want to be funny for them that's how i got into this i got into this making people who i like laugh and then that being like a part of me feeling like that's why they like me and i and as a kid i'm like i'm just watching it happen i'm like and i tell like you don't have to be funny i enjoy it but you don't have to be you know what i'm saying and she just be like you know she'd be saying she's like i'm crazy like you i'm funny like you you know and that'd be making me feel like god damn it i'll buy you a [ __ ] planet whatever you whatever you want man go get my goddamn credit card let's get this [ __ ] you gonna be broke funny like me god damn you you know what i'm saying hey they have spawns they suck up everything that we do so savannah like i'm gonna be a teacher a comedian and i'm going to be an actress i'm like i hope you'll be skinny [ __ ] cause i won that [ __ ] nah she better not gain this weight she said not her life real nice at eight i was already big kelly you did a show with me in detroit kelly remember that show we did in detroit [ __ ] what that show was stupid what we did in detroit but you had [ __ ] coming up to me like who the [ __ ] is this [ __ ] ass girl you know what that's the worst thing about it because the reality is let's just say i'm really absolutely gorgeous and i have a nice body to me [ __ ] with anybody else think and i carry myself like that so people negate the fact that i'm really [ __ ] a monster okay on stage as well and i hold my own and i'm funny but they don't give a [ __ ] about that they like look at that booty because you because you make a lot of sudden movements and then you stop and your ass be like i'm not ready to die you do that a lot i feel like you did it on purpose you'd be like i do i do i thought you said you don't know what i do everything god gave me you understand what i'm saying though all that [ __ ] worked for me [ __ ] if your facial expressions work for you you don't stop using them you keep using because you know people like it i'm using every part of me because guess what that's my that's me that's what makes me really kills and i love you girl i love it there you go yes i pointed at my eyes yes i did because i used my eyes i used my eyes to hear you don't have any eyes that's why you wear a magnifying glass how to make a big excuse i can't believe it you look like a mole my eyes are normal when i when i take my glasses look this is my eyes this is it this is a normal eye no on my eyes bro stop you like you have four scotch on the rocks right now [Laughter] [Applause] talented and we know what the [ __ ] we do to the world but if there was another career we could pick right and still be this funny but just what other career would we do besides entertaining like i'd be a lawyer i'd be a lawyer i would use my humor and my intelligence to get [ __ ] oh that was witty yeah i totally [ __ ] with that yeah i would make the defense look crazy and stupid by being smarter and just waiting around people would love me as a lawyer dude good answer next i would probably be a i would be in music i don't know if i would be a dj or a rapper or producer you look like it right now i would i would be in music i love music music has always been a go-to for me it's therapy for me uh it's how i communicate like music is that's that's that's my other language right there real talk um correct who is on carissa you gotta oh oh no i think i'd be a motivational speaker okay yeah i'll be a motivational speaker for young children i would i would motivate our little brown girls that's what i would do and then i'd probably be like olympus because i i like the swimming i don't know why i just look smooth then i wouldn't have died in that pool but i would i would have did that because i think that it's sexy like you know to jump in the pool you know when i was little you know how they come out the pool and they'd be tight let me tell you that when i was little that was everything they come out tight up the water and i like the bathing suits i used to always wonder how you fit so good and that the booty don't come out it was always very attractive to me so i would probably want to swim i'm just saying it just looks sexy just swimming with stuff you come out with a little pitch nose oh yes i like that and um what you call that kind of swimming synchronized scene that was some beautiful oh yeah that's definitely oh wow you love that that's right that right there was everything for me i could see you being a diver i don't see i don't think i like that [ __ ] too but you know what you heard me like a pen like a needle and then i would get out i would make a gangster i've gotta put like a cap on and some joggers and just like walk through the fans with all my fans because you know how we do [ __ ] you could be the michael jordan of that charisse you understand yeah you jumping in the water and the water would be still and they'd be like oh no no they had it they had a they had olympics in china because the china women i think i think they're the best at that everybody clapping and [ __ ] you get into that water you be in the middle of swimming you come up and then they'd be like oh she was in the water they didn't know where you were talking about it and to hear what introduced me coming up see how you did when i came out you would introduce me and i would be like with the smash what would your name be what would we call you like what would be your animal reference because let's think about it like when seagulls die they pull them shoulders back and they get right into the into the ocean to get the fish there's that you could be the coffin you could be okay what is it paper tip paper clip smoothie ooh paper clip crap i love it i am you see this hey go yeah i love it i love it you know what i'm saying and then i would get out and i would do motivational speaking on i can see that put a gopro on the back of your head and just get you to just yeah oh man see all the stuff you're like a drone you could be like like man i love that i love that clayton what would you do please oh my god for them too first of all i'm gonna straight back with the market and the advertising because i would just come up our image consultant because i come up with the ideas for [ __ ] to [ __ ] with like when i was younger that's what i used to think about i was like when i first heard dmx album i said this [ __ ] need to come out with a dog food oh he needed to come out with a dog food and call that [ __ ] and let [ __ ] dogs ask for it by name the same way they do meow mix we got new dmx dog food and then i said tlc y'all need a cleaning product called no scrubs y'all [ __ ] need the [ __ ] and y'all gonna be in the that's what i'm talking about cause you just spray it and you leave it because you don't go chasing waterfalls you understand what i'm saying you just don't go chase the black community we need we need your we need your ins where we need these ideas [Music] yeah riding dirty was his biggest hit i said boy if you don't come out with some tire shine for [ __ ] to put on their old schools because you can't be out here riding dirt [ __ ] they kicked me out all the offices i want you to know rough riders blew me out big [ __ ] with a vest on and no shirt threw me the [ __ ] out [ __ ] see tlc in them dallas austin kicked me in my [ __ ] chest he didn't want to hear it i don't know so but i know that these things will work and yeah if i if i had if i was forced into it to where i had no other options i'd make it worse you see you definitely can do rap snacks literally just has a picture of the wrappers on it and and it's chips bro like can i say that i have peace louisiana hot and they had a picture of this [ __ ] that looked like ray charles it did not look like a little booster the [ __ ] had and he old glasses into the air and i said this is not little booster and apparently lil boosie got the memo because they changed the package and it's little boosie not wearing no glasses and i'm glad they listened to me right now i make it happen i believe in you it tastes like they were spray painted by high blood pressure patients you understand what i'm saying like like they they don't they're not they're spray-painting this [ __ ] with a mask on every chip could be its own bag of flavor yeah i'll give you a logo for rep snacks with no wrapper and they regular chips these are chips well you know what it is think about it y'all we be so happy when we get a dorito or something with all the sauce on there like oh my god oh my god that's what i'm saying okay y'all ready for me you never have to shake up the chips you ain't never got to shake you know other chips you gotta shake them to get all the seasoning distributed not with rap snacks they did that for you i ain't gonna lie i never shook a goddamn bag of chips i didn't know that's what i should be doing if they met [Music] it's a that cranberry was meant for vodka like cranberry every fresh cranberry is like oh what's this literally said on the bottle and said just add vodka ever fresh cameron we got 15 minutes left guys uh first show i mean first week back after the hiatus man i know you guys have had a great time just like i've had a great time i'm gonna just ask you just to make sure you take care of my guest man tip them out really nicely man thank them for coming also if we could get the likes up to a thousand likes we've got 21 people 2100 people still in here right now if we can get the likes up to at least a thousand dollars um oh yeah yeah my bad kelly we thought you were doing what you wanted to do with teaching no no we want you no no if i could pick one thing besides comedy and i still be able to have the same energy i would be like um a preacher in a sense like over congregation [Music] but listen but not the typical pastoring of a church but just leading people to god and just making it like a super dope fresh fun clean with hennessy we wait i know that sounds crazy listen to what i'm saying no you got to read somebody here baby yeah yeah yeah cause i know that's what i do right now and i'm already doing it i'm already working in that purpose kind of because i like super love them yeah and i just noticed that's like my real calling if that's if that makes sense you imagine if the first collection plant went around like hey man this is this is for the weed for after the church amen if you put in on this eh man you could cut and then you know say it like and i don't even smoke man i'll be giving like a moment and i don't even necessarily smoke but i know some of the dopest people in the world that smoke and they love god more than some of the christians in the church so or drinking you know what i'm saying so i want to be that liaison to let people know like man just cause you in that building and you're doing these antics that don't mean all that you can really love god right where you are and be good to me he's preaching he's he got his shirt off sometimes he's smoking while he's doing it but he's he's he's really like pulling stuff from the bible you talking [ __ ] instagram that [ __ ] yeah he go great and uh my [ __ ] fat man dz in atlanta he do something similar it's called word in the woods but he go off but his parents are preachers he used to give me the word when we was doing the most absurd [ __ ] where you weren't supposed to get the word you gotta get it and it would be it would be the most meaningful [ __ ] and i remember the [ __ ] my grandmother told me a fool can tell you something for your own good that's it you know what i'm saying and it's not like i looked at a [ __ ] like a fool but it's it's to say that a [ __ ] that you don't think know what the [ __ ] they talk about probably no way mo then what the [ __ ] you know because they didn't mention it it leads you to somewhere great man ain't that dumb amazing man it's good to see people that do that so i would go to your church yeah i'll go to you for marketing and i'll go to you for marketing you know you know if you get me from marketing that [ __ ] and we gonna try it it's gonna be the new scientology we're gonna be like kelly kells looking at people suspiciously like go ahead in there go ahead you had the security oh i love every part of it all right we're about 10 minutes left last uh this is typically the part where we started doing the sign-offs so um we're hitting that thousand likes too yeah yeah follow us follow us on instagram the mods have been putting all of your your handles in there your handles your websites all that type of stuff they do that the whole show while you guys are talking so much shout out to hippie go shout out to jennifer reeves shout out to steven o'conn uh they always on top of it man thank you thank y'all my cash at the same as my instagram my instagram the same as my cash out yeah that's a bar that's just the marketing in me but that's the bar gotta go ahead and do it brother i believe clayton i'm about to call you somebody else that's what i'm here for if you bout to make this don't make don't jump off the deep end before you ask somebody i'm gonna reach to grab you a little hand i'm gonna die you're yeah what about better made chips from detroit detroit people better made chips are fired but i'm gonna tell you something as i got older i got into uncle ray's but that's baltimore utz is baltimore right y'all had uh red hot ribbons in st louis no i haven't oh wait that sounds like a haunted house they like a spicy they like a spicy chip but they riplets like you know like ruffles but they so can you like can you can you believe it or not or do you just gotta believe it you gotta believe carissa cp and then we'll end it out well first of all thank you for this amazing dope platform and being around some of the dopest right now in the game it's an honor and a privilege i'm kelly kells all the way from milwaukee wisconsin 401 fo 22nd and center shout out to the devastating divas of dst oh and shout out to everybody from my hood because i really do it for y'all um follow me on instagram twitter and facebook they all the same kelly kells k-e-l-l-y k-e-l-l-z underscore twenty-two man first of all i'm not a cat but i'm the kappa you know i know that's right michigan state delta pi spring 06 ace club pole mark i was i was i was i was the guy i'm live bro [Laughter] anyway anyway go ahead you you said shout out to the reds go ahead continue crimson and cream the colors of everybody dream that's it oh okay all right clay what you got for us dog oh man you know what it is it's clayton english man aka sabado domingo in japan they call me claytoya nagashima so i'm out here i'm everywhere and if you don't understand it i need your support on anything that i do i'm glad to be on this platform i got a [ __ ] called dope movies it's on youtube it's with comedy central it's on comedy central page it's called dope movies i review movies that i ain't seen in a while i smoke weed and they [ __ ] animate the [ __ ] and it's out now so yeah man it's just some that's it that's all i think i got to really plug all my social media is clayton english one word you know how to spell all that [ __ ] there you go they throwing it up in the chat right now so everybody everybody in the chat you guys can see it is right there right now they're throwing everybody stuff like this oh i didn't know i was supposed to prepare something for let me just just like you know wing it or whatever you know um follow me at carissa i think that's what everybody else did and so um i'm gonna be doing school tomorrow for virtual i'm in my school gonna be on that and um the kids think i'm awesome and stuff and i'll be seeing oh my daughter's in college i think she got a couple of virtuals come on my son's gonna be on the computer i'm probably about to go lay down and pull my bed back um and uh yeah i enjoyed meeting all y'all and everything was good i loved to talk to y'all how to bowl and uh yeah yeah i call it my hair said oh man i'm looking like you're here that's the right thing look at him what you got for a here [ __ ] that's hilarious um you see that look at that look at him curl again uh let's see let's see let's see uh y'all know my instagram is uh comedienne cp uh i'm running into my twitch right now as a matter of fact i'm a stream tonight after i eat my dinner i'm gonna get on the twitch for a little bit uh my patreon i just dropped another uh 13-minute special full production special um in addition in addition to my 55 11 year anniversary special that i dropped on there as well um it was 20 bucks right but uh you know what i realized is that man do i want more people to see it or do i want that little funky ass 20 and i think a lot of y'all was like [ __ ] this 20 so i dropped the price to five dollars it's not about the money it's about y'all you know really seeing what's next i feel like a lot of people in our class of comedy be scared to put our own content out because we're looking for the big bucks but see we really got to prove that we those [ __ ] because the internet has changed and about our specials all the time they're not looking forward to that like they used to like they're supposed to because they got [ __ ] doing internet everything whatever whatever so we gotta adjust i'm putting my [ __ ] out it's five dollars i think it's funny as [ __ ] and i stand behind it uh if you [ __ ] with that my link my patreon link is in the thing i'm also gonna be on the keep your distance comedy show with kev on stage uh on the 28th uh tickets to that going crazy kev is selling out arenas on the computer [ __ ] we doing you know saying like the the numbers is crazy so check that out as well funny ass comedians on there uh i'm surprised you're not on there to hear i did the first one yeah but [ __ ] tony been on every single one okay though it's dope bro like um i had the numbers mixed up we had so it's about it's about 20 people there with the crew right so the crew makes up about maybe like five five six people there's like 15 people in the audience but he streams alive so it's like i think the first time it was like 11 000 people watching live and then the second time i'd been like 13 000. so my guy any any page you ain't got a you ain't got to chase me right after the show's up you just get it well first of all i'm gonna tell you this kev better pay me because if you don't i'ma call spectrum and i'm gonna show up show up [ __ ] [ __ ] i seen you on the commercial i know they know where you at i'm just [ __ ] around he's dope as [ __ ] but that special conversion [ __ ] that's like this [ __ ] well my [ __ ] don't work right bro that that conversion was so fun we shot one um um not too long ago i had i had a couple of ones in it and then they just kept removing lines and kept removing lines we actually don't need you in here and then they moved me out then they brought me back and it was like we just need your energy it's so i'm just stop just sitting there i saw that when i was like dancing they literally took all the lies away from me go ahead tp finish yours up while i queue it up uh but yeah that's that's pretty much it man check out the patreon shout out to uh travail i just saw you uh sign up but um other than that man uh i'll be back on the road soon i really i had some dates i had my agents cancel them because uh d.o.u we passed out and i was like [ __ ] that ain't got time to be you know saying because i ain't got a bunch of [ __ ] to carry me off stage if i faint i'm gonna be there and then i'm gonna be on somebody live instagram twist it up on stage because i'm now rich enough to bring my [ __ ] who would carry me off the stage so i'm like remember his security saying i got you and then let that [ __ ] head hit the floor yeah his head everything he said hit the rail and the door yeah okay but no so you know i'm saying i'm trying to get back on the road when it's safe i can't wait to get back on the road i got so much new material because i'm just in the house all day so um yeah man i'll be letting y'all know follow me on everything twitter instagram all one word back in the building i thought i was following you but i wasn't so i just followed you and rich i just followed you too and i had four you back it up time now you're in the smoking section right here many of us and then yeah welcome back basketball what none of my streaming services have live sports go fix it switch the spectrum spectrum internet and tv bro they cut me out of that commercials though give me one of them wins what it is um first off i wanted to uh i want to thank whitney taking the stage uh shaku uh nah malay uh kevin pamela irvin lindsey shelton anthony janine amir victoria j mo thank god so much for the donations man definitely appreciate you guys you are always um so gracious for that and i i appreciate you guys not stop um i also want to thank everybody that signed up for more mob uh the support um it's five dollars to sign up for the patreon all my patreons they get 10 off all my merch all year round it's forever coupon but right now i'm running a 20 off coupon for all my patrons so it's 20 off all my merch i just dropped new merch for the more mob there's a lot of new stuff coming and i dropped a new show on the mob as well so if you just want to pick up some merch you can do that tomorrow night i'm out not tomorrow night tomorrow afternoon we have another episode of best silent listening party that's me tony baker and joshi guns um we are reviewing the nas album tomorrow and uh every wednesday is a new episode of word and gets hard this past weekend we had nick carthanne on it you guys know nick from zooming with the homies uh it's a great show um and he's a great guest on the show so make sure you check that out as well shout out to nova i got your cash app as well appreciate your nova uh we do zuma with the homies monday through thursday um seven and nine pm pacific standard time man i appreciate you guys uh cp i know you wanted to thank you oh yeah yeah yeah i forgot about i ain't even look at the cash up now i'm looking at it shout out to everybody kimberly finesse jordan ayanna alicia kemika jean isaiah andrea i'm sorry andrea whitney tony lashonda wincy kevin uh niela nova that's going on yeah oh [Music] how they did it when they did it [Music] i want to say thank you to uh my mama my daddy okay so i just want to start off there devonte keisha chris tony nyla anthony pamela shelton pamela kelly epiphany yeah yes jordan bernadette pamela yeah michelle maurice and then i want to say thank you to the other people that paid for everybody else too that's so dope all right i want to thank uh tony jamila saweda spock aaron chris andrea nova guaranteed nyla kevin anthony pamela lizzy shelton isaiah i think that sounds like everybody else i think i sent money to okay jeffrey is that my father no that's a different last name well listen as always guys thank y'all so much appreciate y'all tremendously thank y'all so much for pulling up um y'all have a great night thank y'all shout out to popcorn world oh popcorn oh yeah oh man the nice album don't drop to um the 23rd so i guess we're not doing that tomorrow for the show because you know jay-z tried to drop his new [ __ ] around the same time that's neither here nor there i'm sorry i'm i'm i'm oh you're so silly monday wednesday and fridays on instagram live for turban talk hey there it is shout out to you watch gang man there's a group of people that watch the show together after we end it they start back at the beginning uh because they gotta work late or whatever the case may be but they keep going like i would wake up in the morning at seven and the comments are still going from this video wow wow here i see you here i appreciate y'all so much man you guys have an amazing night thank you so much all right guys tomorrow on best island listener party peace out thank you thank

Channel: Tahir Moore

Views: 42,988

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Id: SLeTFWbMmLM

Length: 125min 11sec (7511 seconds)

Published: Fri Aug 21 2020