One day you're at home minding your own business
when your mom asks you to come and see something. She sounds very worried, and as you hurry
downstairs and meet her in the kitchen you can see that she's terrified. Pointing at the table you peer under it and
you see your sister sitting there on all fours, and as she spots you she starts barking like
a dog. Then suddenly, she projectile vomits green
goo into your face and laughs, her head spinning three hundred and sixty degrees. That's when you realize that you're really
deep in it now, because your sister's been possessed by the ancient Assyrian demon, Pazuzu,
and now he's out for your blood. So your sister's been possessed by an ancient
wind demon and now it's coming for your soul next. How are you going to get out of this one? First as usual, if you're going to fight your
enemy you need to know your enemy. Pazuzu is an ancient demon who's origins hail
back to ancient Assyria and Babylon. Though as most demons he likely existed long
before the rise of either of those two civilizations, it was the ancient Assyrians who first identified
Pazuzu. This vile demon is actually demon nobility,
and is in fact king of the wind demons, a group of evil pseudo-deities considered amongst
the most powerful and high ranking in hell's hierarchy. As if his noble title wasn't enough, Pazuzu
is also the firstborn son of Hanbi, the god of all evil deeds and all evil forces. If you've ever worked with someone who's dad
runs the company then you know how annoying those kind of people can be, and Pazuzu is
no exception and doesn't hesitate to call on daddy when need be. As far as powers, Pazuzu's own abilities are
pretty typical demon stuff: he can obviously possess people as well as project fears directly
into people's minds. He also has some telekinetic ability, able
to move small to moderate sized objects around with his mind- though nothing bigger than
a sofa chair for instance. He is also able to call up fierce winds, from
hurricane gales to light breezes, and can ride those winds to quickly move throughout
our world. One key feature of Pazuzu though is that he
almost never takes physical form in our world, as with any demon that would leave him vulnerable
to the laws of physics. While once upon a time in human history demons
would manifest physically and terrorize humanity, with the invention of the automatic assault
rifle demons are far less likely to do this. While most demons have superior strength and
speed to humans, and used these strengths for millenia to terrorize and prey upon humans
armed with swords and spears, the development of the assault rifle and other high-powered
weaponry very quickly leveled the playing field. Nowadays demons mostly stick to possession
and attacking humans psychologically so as to wear down their defenses and leave them
vulnerable to suggestion or possession. Taking physical form brings on a great deal
of unnecessary risks, and until demons start figuring out how to use firearms themselves
it's not going to be much of a risk going into this fight. Unfortunately for you, Pazuzu is more than
capable of hurting you through others without ever taking physical form himself. As far as vulnerabilities, Pazuzu shares the
same weaknesses that any demon has. True faith is deadly to demons, and has the
power to dispel them from the prime material plane of existence entirely. Luckily for them, true faith is relatively
rare amongst their human victims, so if you think hiding behind a crucifix or saying the
only prayer you've ever muttered in your life is going to save you, you'd better think again. Extremely religious artifacts however can
afford even the most un-religious person great power over a demon though, and everything
from splinters gathered from Jesus's cross to the blood of Christ himself have been used
to banish demons from the earth before. Unluckily for you, you don't have access to
any of these holy relics, and we're guessing you're probably lacking in the true faith
department yourself. So just how are you going to beat Pazuzu? First, as usual the first thing you want to
do when preparing to combat a demon is to work on controlling your fear. Demons not only feed on fear, which strengthens
all of their powers, but actually use it as a weapon to break your mind down and leave
you susceptible to suggestion, perhaps even full-blown possession. Once a demon gets inside you, they're like
bedbugs- practically impossible to get rid of. So get a grip on your fears and try to clear
your mind, because Pazuzu is going to figure out what scares you and terrorize you with
it until you break. Pazuzu however is a bit wilier than most demons,
and if he sees that fear isn't working to break your will, he may just straight up offer
you a bargain. Pazuzu's cunning lets him sniff out people's
deepest desires, and if he suspects he won't be able to manipulate you directly through
fear or break your will down enough to possess you, he might just offer you a bargain. Perhaps he might want you to act in his stead,
causing terror and mayhem when he calls upon you to do so, or perhaps he might want to
use your soul as a temporary or permanent repository. He might want to work out a timeshare-like
agreement with you, you get control of your body for most of the day, but he gets it between
the hours of midnight and three am and every other weekend. Plus two weeks during the summer. In exchange, Pazuzu may offer you anything
you desire: riches, good looks, power, influence... never-ending chocolates. Listen, he's going to make you an offer you
might not want to refuse, but you have to. As tempting as a demon's offer can be, we
can't stress enough how much of a bad idea it is to ever consider taking it. By now if you've watched even just a few of
the literally thousands of movies and tv shows featuring demons, then you should be well
aware that bargains with demons always come with hidden strings. What might seem like a sweet deal today is
going to come with some serious repercussions tomorrow. It's a lot like buying a used car, or getting
a student loan from a big bank- seems great at first and you get what you need, and then
you find out a few years later that the 'adjustable' interest rate just tripled and you're basically
going to be living in your parent's basement until you're forty. So whatever the deal is, heed our advice and
don't take it. The moment you reject Pazuzu though he's going
to come at you with everything he's got, which is probably not going to be he himself physically
but rather a whole host of individuals he's influenced or possessed. In this case, it's your sister, which he possessed
earlier, and this sibling rivalry is about to get red-hot because Pazuzu's presence grants
supernatural strength and the ability to do really freaky unnatural crap like twisting
your own head around three hundred and sixty degrees. Now, you have to remember that your sister
is still somewhere inside there, so even if she's trying to claw your face off while vomiting
pea soup into your mouth, you're going to want a non-lethal solution to stop her cold
in her tracks and force Pazuzu to seek another host. For this, we highly recommend a Vipertek VTS-989
stun gun. Now you might be thinking, why go for a stun
gun when I can get a taser and shoot from a safe distance? Well, for starters is the fact that most tasers
top out at around 50,000 volts, which is fine for stopping a murderer cold in his tracks-
but with Vipertek's 300 million volts you're going to shock Pazuzu straight out of your
sister and back to ancient Assyria. Vipertek's heavy-duty stun gun packs enough
of a wallop to give a small dinosaur second thoughts about making you its lunch, and it's
going to pretty much guarantee an instant exorcism courtesy of modern engineering. But unfortunately you can't shock Pazuzu's
incorporeal form, no matter the wattage, and with the ability to terrorize you until your
mind literally breaks, you're really going to want to finish this fight and not leave
Pazuzu lingering around until your will fails and he takes over your body. Your next weapon in this epic match up is
thus going to be... a pregnant woman. Yes, you heard us correctly, you need to immediately
find yourself a pregnant woman- in fact the more pregnant the better. Remember the Octomom that rocked the reality
show circuit a few years ago? You need to find a new Octomom who's literally
bursting with babies, because she's going to be your human shield against Pazuzu. Now we know that sounds a little... well harsh,
and we generally look down on using pregnant women as tools to fight supernatural evils
with, but bear with us. See, pregnant women are the favorite prey
of Lamashtu, a very powerful female demon who considers newborn babies and pregnant
women delicacies to snack upon. Lamashtu and Pazuzu also happen to hate each
other's guts, and while the ancient Assyrians didn't leave us with any clues as to the source
of this intense hatred between the two, it doesn't take a genius to figure it out. There is only one thing that can make a man
and a woman hate each other with a burning passion that spans millenia, and that's marriage. Sometime in the distant past, in the ages
before even man's first civilizations, we're guessing that Pazuzu and Lamashtu led a happy,
blissful domestic life together. Like so many couples though when the honey
moon ended, the reality of sharing every waking moment of your life with another individual
set in. If you've ever had a friend with an annoying
habit, well imagine having to deal with that annoying habit every second of every single
day because you live together- for eternity. Now imagine the dozens of other annoying habits
that friend probably has because you don't really know each other that intimately- and
now you get to discover them one by one, and deal with them every day. Every month. Every year of your life, from now, until you
die. Pazuzu and Lamasthu's relationship origins
may be lost to time, but their legendary loathing of each other is not. The two hated each other so famously that
ancient Assyrians and Babylonians would actually call on one of them to protect themselves
from attacks by the other. They would be so eager to fight each other
that they happily answered mortal's calls for help, wanting nothing in return but the
chance to seriously wreck the other's day. So you're going to capitalize on this love
gone sour and find yourself a seriously pregnant woman that's going to lure Lamasthu near,
and then you're going to simply let her loose on Pazuzu. Next, we recommend you stay well out of the
way, because the ensuing fight between Pazuzu and Lamashtu is going to be legendary, in
the way that only fights between former lovers can be. Congratulations, you've defeated Pazuzu and
used the power of love to win the day! Well, sort of, we guess you've actually used
the power of failed love to win the day but hey, a victory is a victory, and on top of
that you get to keep your soul after all! Now go and get your sister to the hospital
because we seriously can't overstate just how much of a wallop those 300 million volts
were, and the absolute hell they just caused to her internal chemistry. How would you defeat Pazuzu? Let us know in the comments! And as always if you enjoyed this video don't
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