(mellow piano music) - Representative Sugarbaker,
I just wanted to let you know that constituent
Kathleen Fredricks called and she said she'll
never be able to repay you for what you did, and I just want to say I
think it is so wonderful that a United States
congressperson
would take the time to call a lonely serviceman
in Wiesbaden, Germany, and talk him into
reconciling with his wife. - What did you say
to this guy, anyway? - Oh, I didn't talk to him. I called up that army nurse
he's havin' an affair with, and I told her if she
didn't knock it off, I was gonna have her butt
transferred to Kuwait. (audience laughs) - You really said that? - I certainly did. I mean, whenever it comes
to stoppin' affairs, never talk to the man. It's just like when the gas company wants
to discontinue service, they never turn
off an appliance, they always go to the source. (audience laughs) Remember that. - Anyway, he's getting out
at the end of the month and he's coming home to his
wife and two small children, and it's all because of you. - Well, you just tell her
I was glad to be of help. (cries) (audience laughs) - What's the matter, Malone? - I'm sorry. It's just the story reminds
me of my problems with Jerry. It's not appropriate to talk
about them in the workplace, I'm a career gal now and
I want to be professional like the rest of you. So just ignore what I said, and if you'll excuse me, I think I'll go out there and polish the top of my desk and update my rolodex. (door opens)
(audience laughs) - I wish she'd tell us when she was gonna get
in one of these moods. I'd bring in my laundry. (audience laughs) - Malone, what has
gotten into you? You are really
falling apart here. - I'm sorry. I hate myself when
I'm like this. I'm just a person who
cannot hide her emotions. Really, I'm a discredit
to women everywhere. - Yeah, stop it, Malone,
you're pulling us all down. (audience laughs) - Listen, why don't
you just stop worrying about how you're
supposed to behave, and tell us what's wrong. - Well. As you know, Jerry and I
are going through a divorce. But, of course, I
still have feelings. Anyway, he called
last night to tell me that he and a friend of his, who also coach
professional football, are going to be on
Sally Jesse Raphael to talk about their
extramarital affairs. The theme being Extramarital
Affairs in the Sports World. (audience laughs) - Oh, you poor kid. What does this guy do,
just stay awake at night thinking of terrible
things to do to you? - Actually, he said not to worry because they're gonna be
wearing wigs and sunglasses. (audience laughs) - What is wrong
with these people? You know, there was a
woman on the other day who, I kid you not, has this condition that makes
her nipples hard all the time. I mean, come on, get
a life, get a vest, I don't want to know this. I mean, whatever happened to keeping your dirty little
secrets to yourself? Whatever happened to shame? (audience laughs) - I don't know, but you know, some of these people
should be ashamed because those wigs
are terrible looking. - I'm sorry, but I think
a little shame is healthy. You know, feeling so completely
disgusted with yourself that you never
want anyone to know how really low and
truly wretched you are. I mean, am I the only
one left in the world that still treasures the
old-fashioned qualities of guilt and self-loathing? (audience laughs) - I wouldn't know, Emerson, I wouldn't know anything
about those programs. I only watch PBS. (audience laughs) - Oh sure, Nattie. That's what all the people
who wear wigs and sunglasses tell their friends. And then they end up on TV with little descriptions
under their faces, like Sandy fears
oral stimulation. - Oh, all right. That's it, this
conversation is over. Malone, I am deeply sorry that you are having
personal problems. If you like, I can
arrange a meeting for you with the chaplain. - The chaplain? Isn't the guy who said
that prayer for OJ Simpson and never even
mentioned his wife? (audience laughs) - Well, yes, as a
matter of fact, he did. So what?
- So what? I certainly don't think he's
very sympathetic to women. (audience laughs) - Yeah, if you're gonna do that, you might as well
send her over to Bob Packwood's office
for a little happy hour. (audience laughs) - It's okay, I'm
feeling better now. Speaking of OJ, Jerry had occasion to meet that Al Cowlings
a couple of times, and he said he was just
a heck of a nice guy. You know, always making
sure the tip was right, offering everybody a ride home. (audience laughs) It's funny, I talk about him
like we're still together. Me and Jerry, not me and Al. - Yes, we know you and Jerry. (audience laughs) - Anyway, I just
feel so humiliated. I never thought something
like this would happen to me. You know, Jerry and I were
high school sweethearts, and we've never been
with anyone else. And now he's openly
chasing women. It's like I don't
know him anymore, like someone or something has
taken control of his brain. - Well, I'll tell you
exactly what it is. Testosterone. (audience laughs) Where men are concerned, testosterone is the
root of all evil Now, my dog Randy was
doing the exact same thing. I took him in, had him clipped, never had another problem. (audience laughs) - I'm surprised you didn't
send his girlfriends to Kuwait. (audience laughs) (phone rings) - I'll get it. Representative
Sugarbaker's office. Yes, this is she. Oh, hi. Of course, I remember you. I met you in the hallway of
the White House this morning. Thursday? Well, I, don't know. I'm getting divorced,
it's not final yet. Well, I don't really date. (audience laughs) I mean, I never have
anyone, except my husband. My ex-husband. The symphony? Oh, well, okay. Friday? I'll have
to get a sitter. All right. Bye. (phone clicks) - Look here, Malone,
you're going out. Good for you.
- Yeah. I guess I had to do it sometime. - Well, great. Now maybe we can all get
some work done around here. - Who is this person? You said you met
him this morning? - Yes, his name is Brad Baines. He works in the Legal
Department at the White House. - Boy, that's a full-time job. - I don't like
the sound of that. You can't be too
careful these days, especially going out with
somebody with a law degree. - That's right. I know someone who just
jogged with a guy twice a week and now he's suing
her for palimony. (audience laughs) - That's nothing. I know a guy who's suing his ex-girlfriend's
boyfriend's girlfriend because she gave them
all a social disease. It's kind of like a class
action suit without the class. (audience laughs) - Boy, it's a jungle
out there, isn't it? I don't know if
I'm ready for this. You know, Jerry and I were
married when we were 18. And it's been 20 years
since I even had a date. - Well, fortunately
for you, you got us. And I would venture to say that we have a hell
of a lot of experience and good advice under our
belts to share with you. Wouldn't you all agree? - Oh sure, I've never had
a successful relationship, you've been married five times, and her boyfriend's in prison. (sighs) When it comes to
finding the wrong man, we're like, scud missiles. (audience laughs) - Oh, I'm just so nervous
about this date tonight. I never should have said I'd go. It's hard enough
taking care of my boys. You know, they've become
increasingly unruly without Jerry's supervision. My 13 year-old is
taking creative writing. I found this poem on his
dresser this morning. (paper crinkles) - Kill all the grown-ups. Kill the pale,
skinny helpful one. (audience laughs) - Well, of course it's me. Who else would it be? I'm pale, I'm
skinny, I'm helpful. (audience laughs) - Well, you're not that pale. - You don't think so? - No, I mean, it's not like you've been sucked by
Tom Cruise or something. (audience laughs) - This boy is deeply disturbed. So are you. (audience laughs) - All right, ladies, let's
not get off track here. First of all, Malone, as a person who's about to
enter the world of dating, we feel that you are
ripe for the plucking. - Really? - [Suzanne] And that
is why we feel that you need some guidelines. - Guidelines? - That's right. There are some things you
just cannot leave to chance. - Wow, I've been
a married woman, so I know about birth control
if that's what you mean. - Hell no, that's
not what I mean. This is the first date. You shouldn't even be
thinking about birth control. (audience laughs) Don't be giving it away. (audience laughs) That's the trouble with women
nowadays, they give it away. And nobody respects
anything they get for free. (audience laughs) - That's more wisdom
from the gas company? - No, this is me talking. I know it's old-fashioned and not what the feminists
would like you to think, but I don't care it's the truth. I mean, when a man puts his
hands somewhere, there should be consequences
depending on the location. (audience laughs) And just for record, you don't ever just jump
in to bed with somebody. It has to be gradual, over a period of weeks,
months, a special look, a kiss here, a cruise there. You have to build him
up, bring him along and make him want
it so bad, he aches. - But isn't that
kind of deceitful? I mean, if you want it too? - It's not deceitful, it's smart. Now, my rule is, you've done your job right if a man leaves your
house breathing hard
and walking funny. (audience laughs) - Well, I for one, would
like to distance myself from this philosophy,
I find it disgusting. It makes women
sexual commodities. - Well, you can call
whatever you like, Nattie, but I'm just telling you, men respect pain. (audience laughs) They like it. It's why they watch football. It's why they like me. (audience laughs) - I thought we were
here to warn Malone about the lines
that guys give you. I mean, this is something
that a person like her would be very difficult
susceptible to. - Oh, I know about that. You mean like, what's your sign? - Oh, what's your sign. No, you poor kid, no one
uses that one anymore. I mean stuff like, "Hi, my name is Frank,
I worked in advertising and my wife died last
year of a brain tumor. Until I met you, I haven't
really wanted to be with anyone, except for my two small
children, Max and Cara." Then later you find yourself at his apartment
in the Watergate, the house in Chevy Chase
had just too many memories. He's wearing a fur Speedo and asking you to
beat him with a broom because he's been naughty. Naughty, naughty, naughty. - Gee, Emerson, this
sounds oddly specific. (audience laughs) - I was merely trying
to provide an example to show her how screwed
up some of these guys are. And how they'll just say
anything to get what they want. - Well, I think that's
an isolated case. No one has ever asked me
to beat them with a broom. (audience laughs) - Well, no one's ever asked
me that either, Nattie. I just happen to be a
gifted wordsmith, okay? (audience laughs) - Well, why would anyone want to be beaten with
a broom anyway? I just don't understand
stuff like that. I mean, isn't life hard enough? - I thought you
said men like pain. - Oh yes, lighthearted
romantic pain, not vicious broom beating. (audience laughs) I mean, really, people
have gotten so screwed up. - All right, I
think we've gotten a little off the track here. What's important for
Malone to remember is that she has
certain dating rights, and she should not be
embarrassed to demand them. So not only is it your right,
it is your responsibility to find out what kind of
sexually transmitted diseases this person might have, and whether or not they've
been tested for AIDS. - And don't forget a full
financial disclosure. (audience laughs) - Gosh, I don't know
if I can handle this. This is so overwhelming. I mean, it's really a
minefield out there, isn't it? - Well, that's exactly why
we wanted to talk with you. And now that we have, I guess there's nothing
left to say except have a wonderful time. (audience laughs) (jazzy piano music) - Malone, where have you been, I've got a ton of
typing for you to do. - Oh, I just went out to the car to get the dress
I'm wearing tonight. Also to the Rexall to
pick up a few things. Representative Sugarbaker,
if you don't mind, I'd like to show you all
something in your office. - Oh, okay. Come on, let's do it. We probably should have
a little final chat before your big date
tonight, anyway. Now, my mother always
used to give me cab fare to keep in my shoe. - That's a good idea. Anyway, I want you to
know I thought about what all of you said, and I know you meant well, but since talking to you, I've just become an
even bigger wreck. You see, I'm the type of person, if I take too long to do
things, I just lose my nerve. Which is why I don't snow ski,
have big breasts or cable. (audience laughs) Anyway, I just decided if
I really like Brad tonight, and, of course, he
doesn't have AIDS or a sexually
transmitted disease, I'm gonna go ahead
and get it over with. You know, jump in feet first, that's what Jerry did, that's
what I'm gonna do, too. - So what's in the bag? (boxes fall) (audience laughs) - Condoms. I just don't know
which one to pick, and that's why I need your help. I don't want to make a mistake. - You know, I saw
this on Murphy Brown. She did the exact same thing. - I know, that's
where I got the idea. - Road Warrior,
glows in the dark. Hmmm. - Good grief, Malone, you must've spent a whole
day's pay on this stuff. - Hey, I don't care. I can't just sit around
moping over Jerry anymore. If this gets me back on the
market, it's money well spent. - Would you look at
some of these names? Champion, Big Ben, Excalibur. These sound like men's cologne. I can just see them
advertised on TV now, Impressive by Calvin Klein. (audience laughs) - Glows in the dark, huh? Road Warrior sounds
pretty interesting. Not that I approve of
sex on a first date. - Oh, I kind of like
Condom the Barbarian. - Ladies, may I remind you that this is a United States
Congressional Office, and as Administrative Assistant, I think it behooves all
of us to conduct ourselves with a little
dignity and decorum. - Are you voting or not? - Road Warrior. (audience laughs) (relaxed piano music) - I know it sounds like a line, but it's kind of unusual for me just to meet
somebody in a hallway and then call them
up and ask them out. - Well, it's kind of
unusual for me to accept. I mean, me being
married so long. I'm sorry, I've mentioned being
married before, haven't I? - Once or twice. - So, have you ever
been married before? - Yeah, but my wife
died several years ago. And until I saw you, I just hadn't wanted
to be with anybody. (audience laughs) Is something wrong? - No, it's just that my
friend said you'd say that. (audience laughs) - Oh, does she know me? - Evidently, she knows all you
guys whose wives have died. (audience laughs) - So, tell me a
little about you. - Oh, um, there's
nothing to tell, really. I'm, uh, skinny. I'm helpful. I'm pale. That's what my son thinks of me. Of course, there's a side
of me that nobody knows, not even my
soon-to-be-ex-husband. And it's a side of me that
just may come out tonight. - You know, I have to tell you
there's something about you that really intrigues me. I mean, obviously
you're beautiful but, there's also a sweetness
you just don't find anymore. I mean, you're like
a girl on a cameo around the turn of the century. - Oh. Brad, can I ask you something? - What's that? - Do you have any diseases? (audience laughs) (relaxed piano music) I really love my job. Everyone at work
calls me Malone, it's very exciting. No one ever called me
by my last name before. Thank you. Your apartment is very nice. - Thanks. - You probably have a
house somewhere too, but you have too many memories
to take anyone there, huh? (audience laughs) - No, actually, this is it. This was my wife's and
my first place together. I'm not real big
on changing things. Matter of fact, she made
that Afghan you're using. - Oh, really? Oh, it's very nice. Oh, no, I'm a seamstress too. I designed all of
Jerry's clothes. I know it's silly,
but I love to sew. I designed his suits, his
shirts, his underwear, even that little soft cotton
pouch part right up front. Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to embarrass you,
well, you know what I mean. - I am familiar
with that part, yes. - I'm talking way too much. The truth is, Brad, I'm not really someone who is
on the cutting edge of dating. (audience laughs) - Oh, is that right? - Yes. In fact, it's been 20 years
since I even had a date, and even then, it was
only with my husband, But I, I figure if I
can just break the ice, you know, get the hard
part over with and just go with it, then I'll sort of be launched. I mean, you could be
the one to launch me. (audience laughs) - I'm very flattered. - Oh no, it's nothing
to be flattered about. I mean, I have no idea if
your wife is really dead or if you're gonna want me to beat you with the
broom later on or what. (audience laughs) I mean, for all I know,
we could end up in court. I just, I want to get
started some time. So, I would really appreciate
it if you would just strip me and take me. (thuds)
Oh, excuse me. (audience laughs) Uh, ah. I hope you don't mind, I took the liberty of
bringing along a few condoms. - Yes, I can see that. I don't want to alarm you but, I'm not sure I'm that good. (audience laughs) - Oh, that's all right. Jerry wasn't either, but he made up for
it by being fast. (audience laughs) Now, I don't know if
you have a preference, but I hear Road Warrior
is very well-regarded. (audience laughs) - What did you say your
friends called you again? - Malone. - Is that what you
want me to call you? - No, I'd actually prefer
you to call me Jennifer. - You know what I'd really
like to do, Jennifer? Is kiss you. Would that be all right? - Well, I feel kind
of silly saying no after I already said
you could strip me. (audience laughs) (kisses) - You see, Jennifer, I'm, I'm not a home run kind of guy. When I play ball, I like to
stand on first base a while, and look around. Then the next time up,
maybe, hit a double, land on second. Listen to the crowd cheer. Eventually, I get to
third where I tip my hat. Then finally home plate. When the bleachers rock, and everybody goes
totally crazy. (kisses) And that could be a game or, it could be a whole season. Kind of partial to
seasons, myself. - Gosh, I didn't want to
get emotionally involved, you're good, you're very good. - So tonight, let's
just concentrate on everything from
the neck up, okay? - I gotta tell you, if this a the line, you
shouldn't change a word of it. (audience laughs) - And then, Saturday,
after we've had dinner and we've gotten to know
each other even better, we'll do shoulders. - Shoulders? (audience laughs) - That's right. Beautiful, naked, shoulders. - Is this the way men talk now? Because if it is, I don't know what women
are complaining about, I like this. (audience laughs) I like men. - And we like you. (audience laughs) - Oh, I feel so slimy. I came here to take
advantage of you, and you have been nothing
but sweet and kind. - Well, if it makes
you feel any better, I'm having some very lascivious
thoughts myself right now. (audience laughs) - Oh, no, no no. I'm the heel here, not you. Now, I want you to
tease me all you want, and then just throw me out. Really. I won't be happy
unless I leave here breathing hard
and walking funny. (audience laughs) (jazzy piano music) - We certainly have a
lot of reports to cover, this is gonna be a long night. - It's Sapphire's night off, so I made us some tea. Hope I didn't over
boil the water. (audience laughs) - Great, I could
use a little break. Even I have my
limits on how long I can read the unabridged
index of Alaskan fisheries. - Gee, I wonder what
Malone's doing right now. - Probably looking in her shoe for the extra cab
fare I gave her. - Poor kid. I know it sounds silly, but I almost feel guilty
for not going with her. - Yeah. There's no getting around it, tonight we threw a
babe to the wolves. (door opens)
- Knock, knock. Oh good, you're here, I was afraid you
wouldn't still be up. - Malone, what are
you doing here? - Don't tell me, you
lost your cab fare home, and he made you walk. - No, silly, Brad's outside, he's driving me home. - Oh, couldn't wait to
get rid of you, huh? Probably had a late date. - No, we had a wonderful time. He's so smart, kind,
handsome, considerate, and when I offered
myself to him, he turned me down. - I knew it, he's gay. - No way. He just likes to run
around the bases slowly, and that's why this Saturday, we're only doing
beautiful naked shoulders. Anyway, the law of
averages tells me that my Brad can't be the
only decent one out there. If there could be a man
this wonderful in the world, there's gotta be lots
of others like him. And so, I come as a
messenger tonight, bearing the news that men are good. (audience laughs) - Well, thanks for
stopping by, Malone. - You know, every
time he said my name, Jennifer, it made
my knees buckle. (audience laughs) - That was how you're supposed
to make him feel, honey, remember? - Oh, he does, believe me. He was even kissing my
hand while we were driving, I'm telling you, men are good. (audience laughs) - Okay, well, thank you so much for sharing that information. - Yes, we're all
very happy for you. - Remember, fairy tales can come true, it can happen to you. (audience laughs) - Good night. (door closes)
- Well. It's very sad, isn't it? - Oh, very. You know, after all that
careful preparation, we forgot to warn her
about the most evil, the most treacherous, the
most untrustworthy man of all. - The perfect man. (audience laughs) (jazzy piano music) (airy chimes) (triumphant music)
