You're about winning a custody battle. There are 4 things that you must do. But their not what would expect. Stick with me. I'll make strong case for you. As a professional psychologist, part of my
career has been committed to doing child custody evaluations for the court. I did that for about 13 years before I switched
over to positive psychology and start hanging out with you here on YouTube. Here's what I learned: As a professional evaluator
for the court, there are 2 worlds that are created for a child. This graph will help you to see what I'm talking
about. Before parents separate, the child''s world
is just one big whole. Like if they were just one circle here. When mom and dad separate for whatever reason,
that world splits. And now we have mom's world and dad's world. And they are very different, aren't they? Of course they are. Where do the kids belong? Right there in the middle. Now, actually the kids world is larger than
either mom's world or dad's world because the kids world includes mom's world. And the kids world includes dad's world. Keep this image in mind for a moment because
the research shows very very clearly that the number 1 factor that creates negative
outcomes for children in divorce is conflict. Specifically conflict between the parents
about the kids. Remember the kids are right here in the middle. So, if we've got 2 separate factions that
are fighting each other, shooting shots at each other, it's not safe to be right here
in the middle. You have to understand where the kids are
coming from because that's what's most important to the judge or to the evaluator. As a professional evaluator, I had to try
to figure out what's going to be best for the kids. Now, I want to find a good resolution for
the parents too because if life is better for both parents, then it's going to be better
for the kids. But the focus is on those children. So, I'm looking for primarily what is the
source of conflict. And both sides are really good and blaming
each other for that conflict. If you come into this custody evaluation with
a mindset of adversarial --"I've got to win this fight", we've already got a problem. So, we have to take that word weaning out
for just a minute unless we apply it specifically to the children. That's who we want to win. I hope as I share these 4 main point with
you, part of you is going to go, "Well, duh! I already knew that." And part of you will think. "Wait, this isn't what my attorney is telling
me." I am not an attorney. Please do not look at this video as legal
advise. It's not. I'm giving you relationship advise because
I know that a custody battle can hurt children. And I don't want this to happen to your kids. So, there's 4 things that we need to do, In
order to win, meaning, win for the children. Number 1, be authentic. Be real. Honestly, as an evaluator, I went into may
of those evaluations. expecting (and I was never disappointed) the
people are going to put on their best face. And when I visited the home, there was simmering
on the stove. And bread baking in the oven. It was the picture of perfection. It was The pinterest moment. And I knew that it was fake. And I'm not saying that you're fake. But if you show up that way, it raises flags. For the evaluator, for the judge. I went in the homes where I thought, "This
can't be real. This is not sustainable." There was state of... Sometimes a call in unnatural tension. Where it felt like everything was going to
fall back to where it was. As soon as I left the home. I want you to be authentic. I want you to be yourself. Because you are a benevolent, generous, loving
parent. Be that person. You don't have to show up as this bitter,
angry person who's fighting with the child's other parent. From an evaluator's standpoint, that's not
a good thing. I don't want anybody endangering this child
or this child's world which includes the other parent. I know that's not the typical advise that
you would get from an attorney in an adversarial situation. I'm giving you relationship advise. Be authentic. Be real. I know this is going to fly in face of some
conventional wisdom too because you're embroiled in this battle, this fight, right? Remember who's in the middle. You've got to be nice. And the other party may or may not be. In fact, there's a high likelihood that there's
going to be some meanness going on. That there's going to be some bitterness and
anger happening. Just make sure that's not coming from you. You be nice. When I said, be authentic earlier, you got
to tell the truth, right? You also want to show up as the kind, benevolent,
individual and human being that you actually are. Remember as an evaluator, if I'm evaluating
this case, I want to see who you really are. That's why being authentic is so important. Well, are you a nice person too? You know what? When you squeeze a tomato, what do you get? Tomato juice, right? Wait, you don't get orange juice from a tomato? What about when you squeeze an orange, what
do you get? Tomato.... No. Orange juice. Oh, what a surprise! You squeeze something, you see what's inside
of if. Custody evaluations squeeze people. And what's leaking out of you if it looks
like anger and bitterness and animosity, then as an evaluator, I'm thinking, "Whoah! What's inside of this person?" And what happens when things get hard with
the kids when you get that squeeze? You got to be nice. And that's a little counter-intuitive as well. But it's so important to show who you really
are. Number 3, I already give you a heads-up to. Be focused on the kids or the child. If it's multiple for you. Be focused on the kids. This is who it's all about in the first place. The judge knows that. The evaluator knows that. Your knowing that helps you to show up in
a way that shows that you truly have this child's interest at heart. And it's about them. So, when you're talking even to your attorney
or to your friends, don't get into this bitter angry battle kind of language. Make sure that it stays focused on the child. What you're children need, what they're desires
are. And we're not going to put the burden on them. I never asked kids "Which parent do you want
to live with?" That's such an unfair question. And it's kind of like asking "which arm do
you want me to cut off?" They don't want to make that choice. That's way too much pressure for a kid. We'd still need to be sensitive however to
the other factors in their world and your issues are not their issues. Get that through your head. Your issues are not their issues. They've got a whole different take on this
thing. And the overwhelming majority of children
that I evaluated love both of their parents. And they don't always feel full permission
to love their parents because of the bitter angry battle. You stay focused on the children. Number 4. And it kind of make me chuckle a little bit. I've have to say this. Be a good parent. This is like a job application. When families would come to me in a custody
dispute and I'm evaluating them, I want to know, "Are you a good parent? Do you have the children's best interest at
heart? Are you authentic and genuine and truthful? Are you nice and civil? Can you interact with people? Can you facilitate this child's relationship
with the other parent?" These are all the things I am looking for
and that's why I wanted you to know these 4 steps. On the last one, be a good parent. We all struggle. And this is a stressful time. So, you're going to be under increased pressure. And that's doesn't always help performance. If you need some help with that, there are
resources. Reach out to those resources. You've got to be a good parent because that
is the job that you're applying for in the first place. Some of those tips might have surprised you. But they are so powerful. If you want to learn more about custody, click
on the video "How to win child custody." You'll get some of the same and some other
ideas in that video. And also, on the 4th step, be a good parent. If you haven't checked out the Parenting Power-Up,
click on that right now. And let's meet up on the inside so I can give
you some additional coaching and pointers along those lines. I'll see you there.
