Why You FEEL LOST In Life & How To Find Your TRUE SELF AGAIN | Marisa Peer & Lewis Howes

so the way you talk to yourself the way you dialogue with you is the big key to self-love the problem is the mind is like a missile it wants to go there but it keeps going there if it doesn't really know what you want i want love but it would kill me to be rejected i want success but am i really going to give up all the things i love i think you've got to have a dream the school of greatness yeah please welcome we talked about this before on the show about the lies we tell ourselves and the stories we tell ourselves and a lot of us tell ourselves really bad lies and you said we need to start telling ourselves better lies i'm curious why do we need to do that and how can that help us start manifesting things in a different way in our lives well you know our greatest pain is from the lies we tell ourselves if you said to someone you're breaking up with i don't love you anymore you're boring or you're not sexy or i found someone else that's very hurtful but we can go they've got an agenda we can almost account my boss said i was terrible but he's having a bad day but the lies we tell ourselves the mind doesn't go you're having a bad day you have an agenda it believes they must be true and the simplicity is if you are prepared to lie to yourself which you clearly are when you've gone the size of a house if i look at a cake i gain a pound my kid is making me want to jump out of a window this freeway would be the death of me see none of those things are true i'm i could eat a horse we know that can't possibly be true but if you're prepared to lie to yourself why not tell yourself a better lie because your mind doesn't know and it really doesn't care what you tell it is good or bad true or false so a simple thing i got a memory like a sieve i have an excellent memory i'm falling apart i got great coping skills if i look at a cake i gain weight i have a phenomenal metabolic rate you see every thought you think you make real and if you doubt that think of this if you think of something embarrassing you will blush if you think of something sad your eyes will fill up with tears if you think of food your stomach rumbles think of something sexy you can get physically aroused whatever thought you are thinking your body is very busy making it real and if you tell yourself a better lie your body will work very hard to make that thought real yeah it's like i can imagine i'm having a a pumpkin pie right now right yeah i can imagine like the smell of pumpkin and the taste and i'll start to salivate my body will start to salivate thinking there's a pumpkin pie in front of me of course imagining chewing into the crust of the pumpkin pie the sweetness and i'll start to feel it in my body although there's there's a lie there's nothing in front of me right now just like there could be uh you know my girlfriend can walk in front of me but she's not in front of me and i can feel something i can imagine and think about it yeah that's why when you read letters you get tears in your eyes you look at pictures you go oh i'm remembering that so every thought you think causes both the physical reaction and an emotional response so if you think better thoughts you have to get better emotional reactions and better responses what about memories then what if we have memories that were real in our lives that was like okay i used to be overweight or someone did dump me and there was this pain there was this thing how do we tell ourselves a better lie or story around memories of the past so they don't keep hurting us today well you know that's a great question because an event will affect you you know what really affects you about an event the meaning you attach to it yeah so i could say i wasn't the favorite kid my sister was the favorite my brother was a smart kid my sister was a pretty kid and i felt like this thing in the middle this kind of thing right and i can go back and get it in the middle yeah so what does that mean it means what i've decided to make it mean i've decided i'm really glad because it gave me i'll show you you want to write me off but i'll show you so we can all look back at our passing i should have been a girl should have been a boy should have been academic my parents wanted that but you know don't make someone else's story your story my mother's story i should have been someone else's baby was always her story it traumatized her entire life but it wasn't my story it was her story and when people say my mother said oh you can't trust your own shadow don't trust men don't trust people it's very important to go well that's your story you wanted a boy and i was the third girl you wanted a girl i was the fourth boy but it's in saying but that's your story my story is i meant to be here i meant to be me i got something to offer the world even if i don't know what it is so the significance of an event is linked to what you make of it i was given up for adoption that means i wasn't loved but it could mean my parents loved me so much they sacrificed the joy of having me to let someone else raise me to give me a better life it's always the the meaning that you attach an event and the very good news is you know what you can change the meaning like that anytime you like so even if we've held on to a meaning for 20 30 years about something it's still possible to change it later in life yeah and when you go back and meet these people they go oh no i didn't mean that i always told you you were rubbish because i thought it would make you smarter i always told you you were stupid because i hoped it would make you intelligent i told you i didn't love you because i felt inadequate in the amount of fathers i mean i never see my kids because i'm useless i would just damage them wow i thought the best thing i could do was to remove myself from their life so their mom would find a better dad and they really have no concept of how that damages the child that they say the best thing i could do was be away from you i was a crazy alcoholic i didn't want to pass that on so i left you to benefit you but the child doesn't hear the child thinks you left me because i wasn't worth being with that's the problem the minute a child feels abandoned they never blame the abandoner my dad left because he's crazy because he's a drunk blame themselves a child never stops loving that they immediately stop loving themselves and that's why you could go okay so i've been telling myself a lie my dad left because he didn't love me my mom brought different boyfriends home every six months because i didn't make her happy and then you go back and go oh but that's not true my mother loved me very much but she couldn't cope she gave me to my grandmother because she thought i'd be better off so when you go back and revisit the lie and update it you realize oh so what's true is well i decide to be true some guy dumped me you know i i worked with somebody recently who said that her first experience of her first boyfriend was him saying to her you're rubbish in bed and the second boyfriend dumped her because he came from a different country and she could speak his language he couldn't speak hershey later told her i felt so stupid in front of you so i said you were not saying don't ever call me again and those two men traumatized her so much as she couldn't have a relationship with her husband who loved her but then she went back and said well the first guy was an idiot because by the way his job was to seduce me and he did a terrible job but the second one felt so inadequate around me you know i've worked with supermodels who say men put me down they're so intimidated by our looks they go we're not very bright you've got enormous feet you know you're not all that and they let it in wow and i worked with a famous model who said every man i'm with they start to diminish me because they're intimidated by me so they start to pick holes in me and i let them and it's so important to go back and look at the past and change it you can change it at any time why do we think we let other people and ourselves speak so negatively to us we allow other people's words to come in and then we reaffirm those words to ourselves internally why do you think we do that so often you know it very much depends on what happens in your childhood here's the thing about the mind and it's really vexing your mind is hardwired to go back to what it knows it always wants to return to what's familiar while resisting what is not from if you grew up in a house with a lot of praise and parents who say you know you're a great kid you've got something to offer the world you're going to find someone who adores you because you've got so much to offer you will expect that unfortunately that isn't the norm the norm is criticism and if criticism is familiar and do we reject praise we actually begin to criticize ourselves we pick up what we know you know if you brought up in a house with fast food and vegetables you'll go hey i need vegetables we the mind will always go back to what it recognizes because that's what once kept us alive what we know like if you have a two-year-old kid they go i don't want to either it's got lumps in it it's the wrong color i only like pink yogurt in a blue bowl but what they're really saying is i don't know that yoghurt with lumps in it and my brain wants what i know because it keeps us alive and that's a fact the mind likes what's familiar but here's another fact you can make anything you like familiar and one of the biggest things to change your life is to make praise familiar and it can be very simple phrase i'm a good person i've got a good heart i think good thoughts you know i find that one of the most powerful things to do in therapy and it teaches that a lot in the book is to think of the words you've always wanted to hear and to start saying them yourself so the words you've always wanted to hear from your parents yeah from anybody so you could say okay if i had a great partner what would they say to me if i had great parents what would they say if i had a great boss or amazing friends and it's not really rocket science what would a great parent say they'd go you're a great kid gosh how lucky am i to be your parent what a joy it is to raise you wow many parents don't what would a great friend say i love being your friend if there's a template for a great friend you would be it what would a great partner say you're the one i just love your voice i love everything about you're so smart what would a great boss say you are indispensable to this company so what we do is you go well i haven't got that so we either give it up no one's ever going to give me those words i'm going to accept i'll never hear them and we say things i never ask for anything me well what do you then get nothing but i never ask for anything so i don't expect that i'm in my apartment with my pets i don't ask for anything so we give the need up or we give it away i've got to find someone out there to tell me these things and that works until someone out they get sick or ill or has their own issues or they move on but when you decide hey i can do that i can think of what i most want to hear say it myself it may sound silly but it's no sillier than saying i'm an idiot i've got rocks for brains everything i touch falls apart that's also silly and deeply harmful so if you decide what you most want to hear and start to go i matter right i'm here for a reason i'm a good person i'm lovable i'm someone's fantasy dream country because you are someone someone in the world are looking oh my god you're my fantasy dream come true not everybody but someone right some them magna your problem that kid keeping you up all night the partner leaving their dirty pants before i love that problem so silly as it sounds so interesting you say that because my girlfriend um the more we date i'll i'll bring stuff up and i'll say we might have like a a sensitive conversation and i'll say i'm about to tell you something you're not going to like because i'm used to in the past yeah saying things that has this terrible reaction in relationships or someone can't handle the truth about who i am or things i do or whatever i s and i so i set it up with her i go i'm about to say something you're really not gonna like and uh yeah so i'm just letting you know you're not gonna like this but but i'm gonna be true and authentic to me and not walk on eggshells and not be afraid to communicate who i am and i'll say the thing and she goes that's it she goes i thought it was gonna be something horrible but i love that thing about you isn't that nice it's so you're like really like so there's always someone who likes that thing about you yeah there's someone who loves your little fatty tummy who loves your triple thigh i remember one of my friends saying i saw my wife and he said her thighs are rubbing together it's the sexiest thing i've ever seen he said in my life he said i was walking behind her in a store and i had to get no because he said that was just so sexy you think really i thought we wanted a thigh gap but we're all different yeah and it but it really helps to think that you've got something to offer somebody but the minute you start to say i matter i'm a good person i'm smart i can contribute something amazing to my company if you keep saying it you see when you give it up you you accept it's never going to happen and that's such a shame because it could but when you give it away you've given someone else the job of meeting your needs when you say hey what do i need i need to feel loved so silly as it sounds going well i am lovable someone's going to love me i've got all the qualities that somebody will find deeply lovable when you say it it makes such an impact on your sense of self that people do pick that up you know we all know that annoying thing you can't find a day and then suddenly you find someone and then you get hit on you think wow well how did that happen because you're now resonating the feet when someone says i rang just to hear your voice i just i just look at your picture i call your phone just to listen to your message think oh someone loves me i must be lovable but if you can put that into yourself it lasts forever how do we put that in ourselves when we've never been familiar with those thoughts and those that routine of loving ourselves one of the things i put in the book which was so important was something called installing your own cheerleading you see a cheerleader only knows how to bang symbols even when you're losing when a team loses their cheerleaders and go oh you were rubbish oh my god you stank up with people they say hey you tried really hard and you were amazing and you'll win next time you know we just did something in england where we put this into schools we had 500 schools sign up and each class actually created the cheerleader they said we actually made little toys of the cheerleader they designed and we were showing them how to go from i can't drive can in just five days by having a cheerleader that says you've got this your name is all over this no one can do this better than you and so what the cheerleader is your voice saying you can do this and you know what it doesn't matter if you win it matters that you loved competing you did great you did amazing and the cheerleader will cheer you on academically but it chew it cheerleads who you are and we have a critical voice going oh you that's good you're going to mess that up that's never going to work why would you even think that could happen no one from our families ever had their own business you haven't got anything to offer here and the cheerleader flips on its head and says you can do it you can do it and we've had such a great response from those 500 schools who said that bullying stopped children are getting better but they're getting better with each other too and so we should all have a cheerleader so it's very important i put the download in that book where all you have to do is download it and play it and it makes you feel good because you know when you're a kid at school and you're running a race and someone is cheering you on going you can do it you've got this it may be your friend it may be a parent when you're going for a job and your friends go hey i know you can do this but when you can say it you don't think who can i call now to be my cheerleader being your own cheerleader is amazing because if you look at people who make it someone like tony robbins they definitely have a children going hey you can do this going for a big interview go well you can do it thinking a big thought they go well why not of course i can do it there's going to be a lot of people that are going to criticize you externally a lot of people aren't going to be your cheerleader hopefully some will and hopefully at different times of life people will be cheering you on but there will be definitely seasons where people will criticize and try to pull you down in negative ways whether it's negative reviews online or to your face or if you're an athlete you go into the opposing arena they're all booing you you've got to have some type of cheerleader in your mind yeah in order to take that on yeah because the most important word you will ever hear in your entire life are the words you say to yourself and when you have a cheerleader you understand the truth there is nothing that will change your life more than letting in praise but not letting in destructive criticism constructive criticism is okay hey i just want to tell you always late and if any could be here on time it would make our life so much better you could say to your partner look i love you dearly but every time i come downstairs and there's like coffee all over the counter and could you just rinse out the sink that's okay but if you can get into the habit of letting in your own praise and other peoples while deflecting criticism it's such a game changer in my years of being a therapist i've seen over and over and i just get people to let in praise and not let in criticism it changes their entire life why is it challenging for people to let in praise and to receive it especially in today i feel like when someone acknowledges someone else they kind of deflect it they say well you know they mentioned it yeah i wasn't that good yeah why is it so challenging for us to receive acknowledgement and praise and do it in a humble way and now i know i'm the best and look the best and the prettiest and you know in the world type of way you know it isn't normal if you say to a little kid you look so cute they smile and they they and if you say to a little child wow you're a smart kid they don't go no i'm actually really stupid you should see the other kids in my class that way better than me they let it in we teach people that it's not okay don't get ahead of yourself don't be big-headed don't show off who do you think you are people won't like you if you're better than them don't ever tell anyone what you've got and so we learn oh it's not okay and if we get criticized a lot it becomes so familiar that we actually let that in and the praise is so unfamiliar that we reject it so we find ourselves saying oh it wasn't i wasn't really any good i just was winging it it's like even in that spanish expression nanada don't mention i go no you should really mention it when you do a great job and people say well done you should go thank you so much i'm so glad you loved my book i loved writing i wrote it for someone like you don't go oh it's terrible didn't you notice all the spelling mistakes and it's not formatted very well it's like if someone gave you a gift and you go i hate that gift you know if i gave you that cup as you give to god i hate it it's a horrible color i don't like the writing so see praise as a gift that you wouldn't go i hate this gift why did you think i'd even like it and just learn to say thank you i've had so many clients just getting them to accept praise and saying look you can make it familiar in fact i was teaching a course in london and this girl came up and she was very sad and so we did a session and it was really interesting what had happened to her and at the end i said you know i'm going to get the whole audience to come up and give you a huge oh no no that's very hard i said you know it's not hard it's unfamiliar but you can make it familiar halfway through marissa the cameraman's not in the line i should get in line he was very good looking i said you see how quickly you made that familiar being praised being held believing you are worthy of love you have a choice you know you always have a choice rationalize why you can't have it or talk yourself into having it and always make the second choice i can make this really when i dated my husband i may had a choice i'm going to make a different kind of person familiar because i knew he was such a good person and a kind person and a funny person and what were you familiar with before that well you know i was very i was a head teacher's daughter you might call it a principal's daughter so my dad was very interested in other people's children he was paid to be interested in other people's children he would give them all his time he was at a hanky ready he was he was a really good guy but he wasn't really interested in us because it was much harder work with us and so my thing was you've got to work really hard to get someone's attention and that's very common with people i've got to earn love chase love work so hard for love and that's not true love isn't to be earned or chased or run after or paid for it's just there so i had to give up that belief that i got a love so of course i liked men who made me work they always had jobs or existing families and some terrible breakup and traumatized children and because of that i couldn't possibly at the top of the list you can't expect a father with three little babies to put you first but then i realized oh this i'm just making and then actually when i was dating someone who said to me i won't allow you to eat that i'm like when did you become a head teacher and that was a penny dropped wow my dad is a teacher who am i with this person well i can't eat and and i stopped dating him overnight it was very confusing for him but not for me because i thought oh i'm dating my dad and of course i could never have sex in the game when i had that realization because it's like wow that's not that's not very healthy but i was so glad he did that told me what i couldn't eat and he wasn't he wasn't trying to control he's we're going out for dinner he said you don't need to eat that we're going out in two hours to this big he was a big foodie i won't allow it and that was for me the penny drop oh i won't allow dating people like my dad and trying to make them give me all their attention and life is way too short to find someone like your parent and change the ending you've got to find the person who changed the beginning so i realized what i was doing is recreating what i knew someone absent very preoccupied with their career and i was trying to change the ending when i got that realization i thought well i just changed the beginning i find someone warm and available who'll put me first it doesn't happen like that you have to pay attention to the old habit of going back to what you know so i could say if i was a woman who had a cold absent critical father i'm in a bar me a cold out in the room and i think oh just clicked like that i felt like i'd known them my whole life it's because their behavior is so familiar you want to run towards it when really you need to run away from it and go cold abs and critical how about warm kind friendly loving putting you first decide and it's a choice i'm going to make that familiar a good guy a kind guy someone who will put me first and once you make the decision and you remind yourself of it it becomes familiar because while our mind likes what is familiar that is a fact we can choose what to make familiar and indeed choose to go well no so when people say he was too good for me what they're really saying is his behavior was so unfamiliar i didn't recognize it i ran back to what i knew but you have to run away from what you know it's also like saying well this is comfortable why don't i make it uncomfortable and i make what's uncomfortable comfortable sitting with it until it's familiar that's familiar i want to get to that um more a little later about the relationship stuff because i have a lot to share on that things i've learned this year but i'm curious on the uh the thoughts and the lies and manifesting i'm curious if you think we're able to manifest anything we want a good relationship the career or new business or financial abundance if we are stuck in a negative thought routine is it possible to manifest and accomplish what we want in a negative thought routine no i you can't manifest when you are negative i want money but when you have money you never know who your friends i want to be really sexy but i don't want all the unwanted attention i want a great job but i'll never see my kids i'll be a terrible parent the mind is going to get into one lane here's one lane that says i want to be a great parent but another is i want to have a great career and i can't go into both lanes well but after you can put that lane on i could have a great career and be a grape and it takes work it takes balance but it's very very possible the problem is the mind is like a missile it wants to go there but it keeps going there if it doesn't really know what you want i want love but it would kill me to be rejected i want success but am i really going to give up all the things i love to be successful so you've got to really identify what you want to manifest anything you have to want it and i think people have got very confusing i'll sit on sit on the chair and manifest a great guy well unless that's the amazon delivery guy that's just not going to work right i want a great body but i'm not going to do anything so to be a manifest you have to do three things and you have to do all three the first is the easy one or maybe not easy you have to decide you are worth it i'm worthy of love i'm worthy of a phenomenal relationship i'm worthy of success even i'm worthy of wealth or health i'm worth it and that probably is at least 80 percent of manifesting and many people manifest with a thought not really worthy really i'm going to be i'm going to find love but they're going to leave me i'm going to find wealth but i don't know how i'm going to keep it i'm going to have a great job but it's going to kill me working those hours so your first thought must be i'm worth it but then there's a second part which is what does it look like and maybe i'm going to be a millionaire for what i don't know if i'm going to be i want a great person what are they like i don't know they got a nice six-pack and drive a nice car so the second part is you must really know what does it look like if you don't know what it looks like how are you going to go after it the mind will go after something it is clear about so you might say i want a really flat stomach what does that look like well it looks like not eating so many carbs not eating late at night going to the gym if you know what it looks like and you believe your worth that you'll have it but then the third part is after you've decided you're worth it and you know what it looks like what are you going to do because if you really want a six-pack you might have to do 300 sit-ups a day and if you're not prepared to do that you don't want it enough so i could say i wanted to write a book did i feel i was worth it yeah i had to work on myself okay you know i got a message and i think i can people tell me i really help them they tell me i change their lives so i'm worth putting that in a book what does it look like well it looks like gonna have to what is this book what's it going to be about what's the story like what am i going to call it who is my audience am i going to write what i want to write or people want to hear so i had to know who is my market and then here's the third part i've got to sit down and write that book and it takes a long time to write a book and when you've written it it takes even longer as you know to do all the press all the pieces for magazines so you can't have one of the two or two of the two and let's say i want love i've got to believe i'm really worthy of love i've got to really nail and i am worthy of love i deserve to love someone who loves me back what does that look like i i better get a clear idea of the kind of person i want in my life and then when i look at where am i going to find it i'm not going to find it watching netflix a lot of people say yeah i go to yoga but there's no men in yoga i go to women's reading groups where's the guy you know you have to go to the weight room right and the same thing with guys you know you're not going to find someone in a bar but you might find them dog walking you might find them in an i.t class so you have to be very clear about i'm worth it i know what it looks like and what am i going to do to get it because i think so many people think manifesting is thinking about what you want and sitting on the couch and it's going to turn up but you have to get out of the house if you believe you are lovable and know the kind of person you want and put yourself in front of them you'll probably go home with them for good but you can't just do one of the two two of the two you've got to do all three yeah and one of the things i love to do with the action steps it can seem like if you're trying to lose 50 or 100 pounds it can seem like man i have to work this hard for a year in order to accomplish this and you just did a hard workout for the first week and you're exhausted yeah i don't know how i'm gonna be able to do this sure i think if you just really think i just have to do this one day yeah i just gotta show up today and i'm gonna do this seven days in a row and celebrate the week yeah do another week and over time that's going to really start paying off what do you think about i love the idea of deciding you're worth it and having what's worth having what you want and that you're worthy of what you want if you haven't learned to heal whatever is a past trauma in your life are you going to be able to fully manifest without healing as well or is deciding you're worth it start the healing process see if you think you're not worth it you'll get rid of it i mean i i've worked you probably know that 700 lottery 70 of lottery winners are bankrupt in three years why because they don't feel they're worth it they didn't work for it they didn't have i'm worth this money what does it look like to have all this money what could i do with it that's so good they just think wow i got all this money and what's familiar if you just have a job that doesn't pay a lot is spending the money until it runs out and then next week you get more and so if you don't feel you're worth it self-sabotage procrastination and nothing more than a fear of not being enough and so you stop yourself getting there so if you believe you're not worth it and you find love you find money you find wealth you'll get rid of it and we see that with amy winehouse with whitney houston we see it over and over again we saw it with george michael i always think of him every christmas because he had so much except the belief i'm worth it and so if you don't do step one first which is just decide every day i'm worth love i deserve love i'm worthy of because after all how could you not be worthy of love everyone is worthy of love so if you don't do that then you just do the other two what does it look like i'll go and get it it's never going to feel enough but you'll get rid of it and we see people all the time who say i know what's wrong with me i remember sandra bullock's husband saying what did i do i had this beautiful girl and i messed it up well of course you messed it up because you never felt you were worthy of it in the first place so everything else you're going to do to get what you want if you don't do the first step first wiring that you're worthy you spend a lot of time getting rid of it ruining it destroying it acting out sabotaging yourself are we able to believe we're worthy if we haven't started to heal though is it you know can we just say okay i'm worthy even though my parents abandoned me and i've you know lost every relationship i've been in you know how do we bridge the gap from starting to tell ourselves a better lie knowing we're worthy and healing you know that's such a great question because you ha and often in the book i invite you to go back to imagine any little baby that's just been born they never go don't look at me i've got milk spots i've got these triple thighs i've got a huge tummy i haven't got any clothes on you know when i had a baby and i'd take her out in the store we would come and look at her and she'd smile her big gummy smile and kick her little legs with her triple knees and it never occurred to her that she wasn't the most gorgeous thing in the world you know when you go i remember that picture of you with your cat you just got it it was on your chest going oh louis you just want to love me yeah because i'm lovable so the good news is every person is born believing they're lovable we know we're lovable as a child because we demand attention we demand feeding you know you can take in a random pet but it will come up and wrap its legs around you when he wants to be fed it doesn't run behind the fridge and never comes out because it believes it's worthy so the good news is you are born certain that you are lovable convinced you're lovable and then it gets chipped away and then you begin to buy i'm not worthy i don't have a great education i don't have a six-pack i'm not a ten i come from a fair i never had a dad my mom was always drinking and now you're justifying why you're not lovable but the thing is you need to go right back to the beginning you were born certain that you were lovable so you have to reactivate what's in you that's become buried but you do have to heal it and i think we think oh healing is so long what does that involve i've got to play this meditation tape every day and spend hours massaging my own body or looking in the mirror and actually healing is actually making a decision to think better thoughts you know no matter where you are in your life thought comes first your thoughts create your feelings which create your actions which create your behaviors and even your belief is nothing more than a thought you think a lot and i think we think it's oh god thoughts thoughts always come first your thoughts create your feelings your feelings create your behaviors and your actions which you justify by going it's like a loop i think i'm not worthy of love and that makes me feel very sad and defeated and probably angry and resentful and if i think that thought and feel that feeling now i act out i'm difficult or maybe i'm very needy or very pleasing but i justify it because i've gone back to the thought i'm not lovable but if i change the thought i'm lovable of course i'm lovable even if i don't believe it if i keep thinking the thought well i feel very different i feel optimistic i feel reassured feel quite confident i feel certain someone's going to love me and now i behave differently i take risks i talk i look people in the eye i speak to them my actions are different and i justify them by going back to the thought i'm lovable so we're so busy changing the behaviors and the actions and the feelings when all you have to change is the thought you know it's hard to heal what you don't understand but healing is just saying i came from a crazy family i came from a place with no money i didn't get a great college degree however i am worthy of everything i want i can have everything i want with bowels on so if you just change the thought which always comes first everything else will take care of itself and you know you you own your thoughts you have every right to change and we think a thought and then we start to make that then we have this confirmation bias if i think dogs are horrible yappy creatures that attack you if i think that thought i feel anxious around dogs and you can believe the dog is going to pick up my anxiety and it's going to be yeah yeah and he doesn't like me and i'm now now i've got confirmation what you see i told you dogs a yappy snappy bitey things look what just happened babies don't like if i hold them they go rigid i always get dumped everything goes wrong i can never keep a job for more than six months when you think that thought and you believe that thought you begin to look for a confirmation bias of how that thought is real the confirmation bars can be very good i think i'm lovable yeah and now i'm going to look for yeah well my grandmother loved me my first boyfriend said i was amazing my teacher said something good so you have to make confirmation buzzwork think about a thought start looking for examples of how it's true because whatever you look for you will find whatever you look for you you get you move towards what you already believe you get more of what you already believe so you gotta think a thought and then start looking for proof and even if you can find hardly any it doesn't matter still do it and then it becomes true what about people that say well how do i know my thoughts come from me how do i know they're not coming from somewhere else but it doesn't matter where they come from it's that's not important what's important is let's change them so if you if your thoughts were coming at you or coming from you and they were negative it doesn't matter where they come from it only matters do you think i'm not going to think this thought you know you can choose to be negative or positive but you can't choose what it does to your body when you think negative thoughts what does it do to your body when you think negatively well when it creates a lot of cortisol which creates inflammation which is a precursor to many diseases it makes you anxious it makes you suffer with things like insomnia it affects your digestion effects can even affect your metabolism it affects your ability to have joy and happiness on the planet so your thoughts are yours to change and yes you can pick up other people's thoughts you know i i've often gone back to london got in a cab they go oh this country is a write-off look at the weather i just i'm sorry i've got to make take a call and i just shut the intercom because i think i don't want to let that in i can't let in negative thoughts i mean they're around me and sometimes i'll be in a position where i'm hearing really negan i i can't hear that i can't let that in it's it's fascinating because my dad used to you know one of our our first episode we ever did i think the title was your thoughts will heal you or kill you yeah and it was one of our most popular episodes i recommend people go listen to it or watch it and i think i might have told you then that my dad would always turn the commercials off when there would be some type of drug campaign or sickness if you're feeling sick yeah you need to buy this you know he would always mute or turn the channel constantly turning the channel because he was like i don't want your mind to be yeah i don't need to hear this these negative thoughts and it's something i've practiced most of my life i mean i'm not perfect but i don't watch the news still today yeah like even the beginning the beginning of the pandemic i remember watching it for like a month because just like everything was happening and i just said why am i consuming this i can get information and be educated on what's actually happening in the world and be aware and be cautious of what i need to be cautious of but the constant rumination of these negative thoughts are not supporting my mind they're not supporting my body and they're not supporting my actions if i'm going to be living in a fear fear-based state of mind and behavior so i said okay i want to be educated and informed so i'll get the updated information but i'm not going to get it in this hysterical storytelling you know mass media of the worst of the worst i'm going to get it written down of here's the data here's the facts be aware be cautious but not allow these thoughts to be consumed inside of me and i think that's really helped me over these last two years just stay focused on how can i take care of myself how can i show up in a loving way you know how can i continue to serve my my team my community my my audience and not be crippled by these thoughts and it's it's been a you know a great practice that i had as a child that's helped me now as an adult but i see so many people consumed by these the media in the negative way or taking it in too much and then holding on to that fear yeah and it's funny because when covid here i was in england just moving to america and i remember thinking oh i don't have any medicine in america and i thought and i went to buy some and everything had sold out and i thought well what am i doing if i buy all this medicine am i planning to get ill and i had a real dilemma should i buy all this stuff and ship it out to america if i'm buying all this stuff am i all these cold remedies am i planning to get a cold eventually you know i'm going to buy them for other people i'm going to buy them for when i have visitors in my house they need a bit of lem sip but i don't need it and sometimes you have to really stop and think you know what am i doing i'm buying antacids i'm buying anti-sickness stuff to go on the plane i'm i'm carrying pepper spray or bear spray on my key ring what am i doing here am i planning to get attacked and i think it's okay to have that on your key ring keyring depending on but but don't expect oh i need this this something terrible is gonna happen you know i lock my door and i'd put on an alarm but i don't stress about it too much so but you are right you we sometimes think the most i'm gonna get sick it's flu season it's allergy season it's hay fever season it's headache season i know when i have a kid it will scream all night i know when i have a kid i get really fat and you never get rid of the weight i know when i meet someone it's not going to work we really have to remember you have the power to make that thought real but guess what you also have the power to reverse it this relationship is going to last forever i'm going to be a great mom i've got a great immune system my body deals with germs every single day so it really is a choice to just look at your thoughts update them the way you update your software upgrade them but so many of us don't even know what we're thinking we i need coffee to cope i need caffeine to get to get up in the morning i need pills to go to sleep at night well actually you don't but if you think that thought you're going to confirm it and make it real sleep will come to you wherever you are your body will cope very well without caffeine you're not going to gain a pound looking at pizza and you do know what full is and you can stop eating but so many of us have been so influenced by the media you know in america every third advert is for drugs for medicine because it's saying you need this and the same thing for happy meals you need this no you don't need any of that you need to think better thoughts what about people with low self-esteem or low confidence where do you think that the root of that comes from and how can we start to overcome that self-doubt low self-esteem low confidence yeah well again i've never met a baby that was born with low self-esteem no just not gonna try to crawl it's too difficult i can't get that food in my mouth i give up i can't quite hit the toilet i just stop bothering so the good thing about that is you were not born with it even if you had a horrible beginning and your parents gave you up for adoption and didn't want you you know one of my friends went to russia to get a little boy and he said it was so funny so i walked in the office he ran up and he clung to my legs so and he said when we left i said say goodbye and he just looked at his i'm not look i'm not looking back there's even as a baby he knew and he when i picked him up to leave when i got the adoption he wouldn't look back he wouldn't wave his i'm going that way with you and that's all behind me now and he's an amazing kid the boy he adopted because he had a sense of you know where he is and he said one day i'm so glad i found you said yeah i'm glad we found each other so he's already got that sense of we found each other i found you but you also found me and we helped each other so with self-esteem there is nothing on the planet that will build that faster than your own praise we often think well i need to lose 10 pounds get a six pack update my wardrobe it's like that bruce springs and i want to change my face my thoughts my job do you remember that song by bruce you want to change your thoughts that's all you ever need to change and the thing that will raise and build your self-esteem is praise there is nothing no shoes no cookies no candy no sex no drugs no alcohol nothing that will build your self-esteem like praise and if you knew that to be true and it is true then all you have to do is practice saying i like myself i'm a good person i've got something to offer the world i'm kind i'm nice i'm fatting i'm interesting and compelling you can make it as dramatic as you like i'm magnetically lovable or just i got a good heart i'm an interesting person people like me so if you knew that the one thing that could build your praise was free was a media and was in you why wouldn't you use it and i talk a lot in the book about exactly how to do that again the cheerleader the self-confidence people get very confused i don't even know what is self-love is that rubbing cream on myself having a little sex aid what is self-love no it's not that it's looking in the mirror and saying i'm nice and the way to know if you love yourself is really three things and the big one is how do you talk to you do you say i'm an idiot i got rocks for brains look at the state of me i knew i'd mess that up self-love is being kind so the way you talk to yourself the way you dialogue with you is the big key to self-love okay so someone said to me oh my god you messed that up you idiot i go no i made a mistake but i learnt from it if someone said to me oh yeah i hate that book i said well let me give you your money back i'm sorry you didn't like it i think it's a great book but i'm happy to refund you because i'm not going to let them make me believe someone said i hate your book and oh my god they hated my book i go well they don't like it i like it so i will always talk to myself well almost all the time you don't have to do it percent sure 90 is as good the second way of knowing how you love yourself is how do you treat yourself do you eat well do you hydrate do you get some people do you lie on the sofa eating potato chips staying up all night watching netflix and knowing you've got to get up at eight and you're still watching something at 4 00 am because that's not love people say i i love food i'm like no loving pizza and beer is not love it's abuse punishing workouts that's not love that's abuse starving yourself and eating celery juice or drinking diet coke that's not love it's abuse and the only way to have a body you love is to actually start by loving the one you have so love is do i really want to eat doughnuts and pop tarts and soda first thing in the morning would i give that to a baby but i give that to my pet so how do you talk to yourself first how do you treat yourself second and once you get into oh i'm gonna love myself you won't eat doughnuts for breakfast and lots and lots of takeouts for dinner because you'll think that's not love it's abuse the whole dieting industry is based on abuse hate your body so much that you starve it make it do the plank when you're not in the mood force it to go running in the rain and then go i hate my legs i hate my stomach and then the third part is how do you let other people treat you that's a big one do you let them put you down do you lend them money when you can't afford it do you go out of your way to give them a lift are you a real people pleaser if you get the first one right the other two will click into place anyway but tr you again you're back into that i'm trying to buy your love i'm trying to earn your affection i'm trying to make you like me and people like you when you like you enough to say oh this doesn't suit me no i i don't really i can't have your kids all weekend while you go to burning man it just isn't convenient you don't and the other thing about it is don't keep saying sorry sorry i'm late sorry i'm sick say thank you thank you for waiting for me thanks for being such a great friend thanks for helping me out sorry i'm such a burden i'm sorry i know i'm a pain so when you get to understand what self-love looks like i'm i i dial up myself very nicely i treat myself on the whole i can have pizza and ice cream but i don't need to have four tubs because i'm practicing self-love i love a bit of cake but i don't need the whole cake and now that i love myself when you say something mean i can go oh i'm not going to let that in wow that's not very loving and it all sounds hard it's actually incredibly easy when we are people pleasers and we let other people do things that necessarily we don't want to do yeah we end up doing it because we don't want to let someone down or we want someone upset at us and then we resent yeah we did the thing yeah what is that saying about us when we are people pleasing you're putting yourself last and everyone else first and it doesn't mean you should put yourself first but you should not put yourself last i mean it's fine if you want to drive to the airport and pick someone up at 4am because you love them that's perfectly okay it's fine to lend someone money to to lend someone your car but if you're doing it to make them like you you don't really want to do it you put them first and you last and it really helps okay okay is this love or abuse i'm lending people my stuff when i can't afford to i'm giving people my things i'm giving them my time my money my energy when i haven't got it to give so that's not love it's abuse and if you can look at things is that love or abuse and always come at love it becomes much much easier to get it right yeah in the book there's a chapter in here where you're talking about um how some people will trade one negative addiction for a more socially acceptable positive addiction yeah they'll stop drinking alcohol but then they're having you know 10 cokes a day or something they'll stop doing something else unhealthy but then they'll be working out three hours in the gym you talk about yeah a day and they trade one negative addiction for a different addiction which seems to be more positive but is also abusive in its own way why do why do certain people trade one addiction for another and how could they actually sit with the time and the energy and the the the conversations the thoughts of the anxiety or the the stress that they're having and just not be addicted anymore well again you've got to go back to that ladder of looping thoughts what's the thought that runs an addiction it's always the same i'm not enough i'm not enough is going to be behind every addiction thing because if you're not enough guess what you need more i need more food more alcohol more drugs more sex more shopping more netflix and many many addicts try to change the behavior i'm not gonna go to the bar i'm not gonna go to the ice cream shop i'm i'm going to avoid that that situation so i'm trying to change the behavior but you have to go back and change the thought and there's someone called ryan in the book i think it's the second chapter and that is a classic story of alcoholism ryan bless his heart because he's a lovely person was an addict alcohol and drugs was also addicted to people that hurt him in relationships and he'd been to rehab over and over again to change the behavior and by the way in rehab they have cupboards full of candy don't drink eat chocolate eat more chocolate eat more stuff because they're just switching one addiction for another are many ex-addicts i'm addicted to food i'm addicted to shopping i'm addicted to praise and because you're still treating the behavior the thought creates the feeling that behaves that creates the behavior i've worked with thousands and thousands of adults i've never met one ever who ever felt there enough and when you go back to that whenever you think you're not enough you will need more of something when you know you are enough you don't need cake after all one donut might be okay why would you want six why would you need three pizzas followed by a beer why would you need a whole bottle of wine if one could make you feel good if one purse or pair of shoes could make you feel good why have you got a closet full of them clearly it isn't working but with addiction if you try to treat the behavior and only the behavior you just swap behaviors so we have to go back to the thought you have to go back to the thought thought comes before behaviors thought causes actions if you just change the thought i worked with many alcoholics who stopped drinking like like ryan in one session because he went back to look at the thought and said well let's change that and many people say no it's amazing i stopped drinking stop binging stopped using because i suddenly realized oh it was a thought i was thinking that caused me so much pain and the thought wasn't even true is it possible to change the thought that quickly if let's say you're you know 40 years old you've been addicted for 20 years and you've kind of had this emotional i guess trauma trapped in your body and in your mind on a repeat for decades is it possible to quit to change it that quickly or does it usually take a you know a few months the more i guess embedded this is in your system like it just depends you know you can change a thought in 21 seconds is it 21 days 21 hours it can be 21 seconds it depends on you some people change thoughts instantly right they they learn something new it's like suddenly you realize that father christmas isn't real right and everything changes and it's not hard work or you realize that there is no tooth fairy there is no scary monster maybe you even realize there isn't hell so it can be instant but it doesn't matter if it isn't you know you can change three ways immediate change all on that oh i change my thinking you know it's a bit like someone saying i thought that person loved me and then someone woke me up and said you know that's not love that's abuse saying oh i thought you know i was doing the right thing by hating my body and it's not changing but then i realized everything i thought was love is abuse so i'm going to do yoga not running i'm not going to eat diet food i'm going to love my body with proper food it can be an instant thought you know like for instance my um my friends went into an abattoir came out said that's it i could never eat meat again in that instant everything changed if you ate i don't know oysters were violently sick that chain you can never eat them again because you've linked pain to it anything you're over the toilet bringing everything oh no never again never again never again and you're touring up from alcohol the night before it's not even work you just go no i can't do that again so you can change instantly and that's always the best kind but there's also a second change which is cumulative it means bit by bit you think oh where did i last scream at my kids when did i last have that tension headache i'm noticing it's getting better and then the third change is called retroactive when you don't even know you've changed and says wow look at you or your partner says gosh you're so much calmer someone says wow louis you're looking great so instant change cumulative change retroactive change but it doesn't matter which change you get because you are changing in the same way that some people have 10 driving lessons past their tests that's it other people have a hundred lessons and finally passed their test but you're all equal on the road so how many changes you're thinking well my friend did that diet and lost 50 pounds and i didn't i guess i'm a failure my friend did that workout and got a six pack i didn't my friend did that it changed the life it didn't work for me and the saddest thing is we don't blame the program we blame ourselves i guess i'm just a failure so don't compare your change to other people some people change really fast and other people don't some people pick up a language really fast other people don't yeah that's no don't blame yourself yeah don't don't shame yourself either no don't blame yourself don't shame yourself again that's abuse isn't it everything you're doing that's abusive turn it round to being more loving i made a mistake i forgot something i was mean to my kids today i lost it i ended up eating three kats because i didn't go out for lunch but i could remember next time to have some nuts in my bag or to take something with me yeah i shouted at my kids because i hadn't eaten and i was so stressed and i realized i could have taken a deep breath so don't you know if you can only learn by making a mistake but it doesn't matter how long it takes it's like saying how long does it take to climb a mountain i don't know but when you get to the top the view is the same for everyone whether you sprint it up there or went to a very slow crawl everyone has the same view yeah you said there were a couple points to addiction the first one being i'm not enough was there a couple more points to kind of the root of addiction or any addiction is classified as something that moves you away from a bad behavior to a good one people are going to be addicted to exercise they can be addicted to orgasms but it's anything that moves you away from something bad to something good that you can't stop that starts to run you and people think addicts are really cold and and mean but addicts are often very fragile deeply sensitive so if we look at the jimmy hendrix and david bowie and and prince and michael jackson people are addicted to pain pills they often are very fragile amy winehouse even whitney very sensitive fragile creatures that the world is very hard on and if you're an addict in any way you have to realize that addicts are very creative if you say to anthony hopkins hey anthony can you play a psychopath he can see that and play it and terrify everyone if you say to amy hey amy could you write about pain she could knock out back to black in five minutes because they're so creative and if you're creative you are receptive to suggestions which is your biggest gift and your biggest downfall because you go i don't think that was very good i thought someone else wrote much better so addicts are very sensitive often highly creative they find the real world very hard and they need support a kindness that's not easy when you have an 18 year old kid who's stealing from you to buy drugs but sending them to rehab where they're told you're trying to kill yourself is often not the case they're often trying to stay alive and it's hard to be kind right but it's the only thing that works with addicts going back and saying look not what's wrong with you but what happened to you when did you decide you don't matter when did you decide you were worthless what happened to make you believe you're not enough and i've worked with many 17 year old addicts who say well i didn't have a dad my dad left when i was one he never saw me he's got another kid he loves more than me and i'm nothing but that's not true your dad is an idiot i'm sorry you have an idiot for a dad but your dad not seeing you has nothing to do with your greatness and your gifts and but it's hard for children because their worth is who loves me am i lovable and if no one loves you how can you believe you're lovable as you get older you think well i got to stop if nobody loves me and i'm allowing this to believe i'm not lovable maybe i could reverse that and go i am lovable i am i am i am even if i think it's silly because you're you're changing the thought and we know that our thoughts radiate from it's like a magnet people that pick our thinking you know if you i was at a ranch last week and working with horses and if the horse thinks you like it you know you go you have to lie on it so you touch where all its organs are its stomach and first the horse will tune into your breathing actually tunes into your smell if it goes oh you like me and i'm safe it will let you hold it but if you're nervous and anxious the horse will pull away but people are no different we tune into our someone else's thoughts we tune into other people's beliefs much more than we tune into their actions so change your thoughts because it won't just change how you feel about you or change how everyone else feels about you right because if your thoughts are going to create feelings and emotions within you your body language is going to change based on your thoughts of course and people are going to pick up that energy around you yeah and what i'm hearing you say people who are addicted their number one thought is i'm not enough yeah and so they need to go back to the beginning of reversing that lie changing that thought yeah yeah and like with ryan it it doesn't take forever it can take an hour it can take half an hour it takes you because i remember saying to ryan you know you think you're a broken person but you're not you're a person who has some broken experiences you think you're flawed the truth is you had flawed parenting but you're not flawed you're not you're not a machine that's broken you're a person who's had some broken events but it doesn't mean you're broken if you enjoyed that interview then i know you'll love what we have coming up right now it's fascinating i'm so glad you're talking about this because we have a similar philosophy and a lot of people that come to me are afraid of certain things and at an early age i was afraid of a lot of things yeah i was afraid to talk to girls as a you know 12 year old i was afraid of speaking in public i was afraid of dancing i was afraid of all these things right and i to get so sick and tired of being afraid that i just said i'm going to give myself a challenge every day you know when i had a when i was afraid of girls i was like every time i see a girl that gives me butterflies i'm going to go up to them and start a conversation and it's terrifying and i'm sweating and i'm stumbling with my words and people rejected me the first few times but i just kept doing it and yeah the girl said hi yeah nice to see you and you get a little confidence until you know by the end of the summer when i was a teenager it was like every girl was talking to me of course and i tell people you gotta embrace the fear until the fear disappears yeah it's similar with the feelings yeah you've got to live in the feelings until what you're saying feel the feeling it no longer requires to be felt that's great because what you're really describing so eloquently is you had a massive fear of rejection talking to girls speaking in public asking feeling enough yeah someone hasn't to employ you will pay you so we have a great fear of rejection which is not surprising because when we're born we have two drivers find connection avoid rejection after all if a mother rejects a child if a lion rejects the cub it's not going to be adopted it will just die yeah or it just starves to death and so we know innately that our survival on the planet is linked to not being rejected and not that long ago you would have died from rejection you know in in a thousand years ago when they banished you outside the walls of the city or you marooned a difficult sailor or you cast someone out of the community you pretty much died there was nothing out there but purgatory so we have a wiring that says rejection will kill me and that's why you had the fear but when you can dialogue with yourself no it feels like it will kill me it can't kill me because no girl can reject me unless i give her my permission right give them my power you can't reject me unless i agree with everything i don't like you because you've got short hair i don't like your shirt i don't like you because you're white not white tall short glasses not but when you say you can't reject me i'm i can't be rejected because the only person you can reject me is me you can talk to girls realizing even if they say no you're not my type i'm with someone no thanks or even ooh not no they can only reject you if you let that in and we look at someone like james corden who's certainly not gorgeous but women love him because he's funny so funny and you know we like warm people you know the the packaging is all very nice we'll as well have a great packaging a great rapper and it'll but they're unhappy and so our greatest fear is to be rejected but the truth is in 2018 you could live in this apartment have amazon deliver your groceries never see a soul and you probably live until you're 106. yeah wouldn't i advise it but we don't die of rejection anymore but we still feel like we will and all schools should be teaching kids you cannot be rejected you can ask for a pay rise you can ask for crowd funding you can go to someone go here's my idea you can write a book speak in public because i with a lot of actors who say i'm so scared of rejection i'm like well how are you going to be an actor then don't you and i write books for everyone who loves it there's going to be an odd person because i hate this book and i hate that writer too but we don't let it in we have to laugh about it when you give a youtube talk i mean i've got one of my talks got like three million views and there's a few in there going i hate her stuck up english um snob but they don't know me because that's not me at all but i don't oh my god i can never write another book i can i'm okay because i don't let it in because the only opinion that matters is my opinion i know i'm not a stuck-up english snob so that can't hurt me because if it did i wouldn't be sharing it with you right yeah so if everyone's giving you negative feedback or critical feedback on who you are your performance yeah your work how does someone not let it affect them how does someone say okay that's such a great question so if someone just comes in and goes i hate that shirt well that that color is so not you or you should never have cut your hair or you've got a bit heavy you just go thanks for sharing that just a really simple thing which says thank you for sharing your opinion which i can choose to not let in you don't have to do anything else when the minute you go your shirt's pretty awful look at your hair or calling me heavy you look you you look anorexic you've let it in and now you're trying to retaliate and it's like a game of tennis if you put down your racket and walk off the court you can't volley so the first thing to say is thanks for sharing that and it's very good for the little barbs we get from people family friends sisters cousins exes um if someone is really mean and says you know i listened to your talk on youtube oh my god you stank up the place i was embarrassed for you then you go back and you say i missed that could you repeat that for me slowly they were usually not bothered because they know that in you asking them to repeat it slowly you're going to call them out on it and they usually go oh me and my big mouth i'm just having a bad i didn't actually really watch it anyway just ignore me and if they do you must not go after them and go no i want you to repeat it right now say it to my face don't do that because a bit like a lion who bears the teeth they're saying back off and i don't want to attack you when a lion bears its teeth you don't go up to it you walk away it gives you a chance to retract so saying could you repeat that slowly is giving the person a chance to retract they almost always do but occasionally they'll come out and go no i just said you're so wooden as a speaker as an insult to wood and then you have your third reaction which is oh are you trying to make me feel bad about myself amazing they usually go no no me no i thought i should tell you how bad you are because you need to get help or never speak in public again or i mean i had a nanny once it was so awful i had to say to darling you're wonderful but you're not meant to be a nanny and i didn't criticize i just advised her to go and do something else and we're still friends sometimes people think that the criticism and the barbs and the humor are a good way to give you a message so when you say you're trying to hurt my feelings they often say no when you're being bullied at school if you said they go yeah i really am i want to hurt you that's the point dummy what because it's a domination bullying is just dominating it's a bit like a seesaw the bully feels there at the bottom and you're above them and they can only diminish you or embellish themselves to be above you on this little see-saw so they feel inferior yeah what does always feel inferior so let's imagine you you're poor your dad drinks you don't have any money and there's this kid with new trainers and new backpack and they come up and say you're just a or you're gay because they want they can't really embellish themselves so the next option is let me diminish you i mean the embellishment isn't i'm you're the no one in my family has been divorced so when we fight it must be your fault i mean you're from divorced people or well i've got a degree and you haven't or i've already raised a kid and i've got no problem with those ones so this must be your fault so you can embellish yourself but if you calm you go into diminishment and so when when when someone says yes i am trying to hurt your feelings you simply reply well it's not going to work because i'm not letting that in and i was in my garden last week filming an anti-bullying program which we're giving away to every school and i had these kids and this little girl was saying um i'm not letting that in that's not going to work and i said how do you fish because i feel so good because he's not hurting my feelings i'm not letting it in he can't hurt me because i'm just saying i'm not going to let that in and then when it was his turn he said i'm kind of running i'm becoming demotivated to bully her i'm totally demotivated and i was enjoying it because he got to the horrible things he said i'm so demon i'm running out of stuff to say because she just won't let it in and then they switched and she said the same thing what's the point he's not letting it in i just just want to stop this now so that's the fourth option well that won't work because i'm not letting it in and the fifth stage is to say particularly with adults like if you have a bullying co-worker do you know since we're sharing here you do know don't you that people who are critical have so much criticism reserved for themselves they actively dislike themselves and you're actually showing me and the entire office that you really don't like yourself like critiquing me yeah by pretty you're just showing me yeah critical people always have criticism reserved for themselves they are full of self criticism but they reflect it out and superior people and happy people always praise and people who feel inadequate always criticize because criticize withers you and praise builds you up and if you can use those five techniques thanks for sharing could you repeat that are you trying to hurt my feelings won't work i'm not letting it in since we're sharing did you know what is running your critical behavior you don't let it in and being able to not let in criticism that too will change your life it it makes you bulletproof you can't stop people being mean and having a horrible day and we now have trolling which is becoming an epidemic so it's actually worse our kids used to get bullied at school and go home to a sanctuary another bullied online now they're bullied online on the phone and it's it never ends and they feel really attacked and see when you find trolls they're usually really miserable and unhappy but they love the power because they have no power they live on their own or with their mum they have no life i mean we had a terrible situation in england where somebody was trolling this person whose child had been kidnapped and when they exposed her she killed herself which was a terrible thing for her but obviously her sense of shame that she was outed and to kill herself but she must have felt terrible i felt so sorry for her but she was very vicious in her trolling but that's a really unhappy person she needed a lot of help but when you can teach people to come back from criticism without fighting or going well i hate you too or you're all shut up or crying when you can just teach them look i'm not letting it it's like if i try to give you a gift you go and i don't need that gift i'm holding the gift i can't give you something if you don't take it i can't serve papers on you unless you accept them i can't serve a volunteer unless you volley it back so when you learn that people can try and give you anything but if you don't accept it you haven't let it in and if you don't let it in it can't hurt you it just hurts the person who's left holding it years ago i used to when i got early in my career i would react to any negative comment that i got online twitter facebook whatever it might be anything that was critical towards me it was like i had to defend myself sure you don't know this because you let it in i let everything in i let everything control consume me yeah so i was driven to be perfect to try to like never let anyone critique me and then when they did i was like you don't know me you don't know this and i remember feeling so exhausted of course trying to reply and be defensive and whatever it may be and sometimes these arguments online we go back and forth for days just then you forget what you've even argued about in the first place and a good coach of mine at one point he saw me this was years ago saw me like i'd gotten a lot better but still five years ago i like tried to defend myself with like a very positive response that was like well here's why i did this this and this but nothing negative right and he called me out he said listen don't even respond like that just say thank you for the feedback yeah period thanks for sharing exactly what you said just like thank you for the feedback and let it go yeah and really now i think about you know the biggest critics are the ones who aren't creating if you're you don't see an author you never go on amazon and leave a negative review for another author no i have a question yeah and it says there's never been a statue erected to a critic and i gave it to one of my clients who's an actor that's great and it's such a great thing there's never been a statue or a monument directed to a critic that's great yeah we had a critic in london a critique play critic and he actually wrote a play and it was absolutely hammered he went i never realized what i was doing to people how much i hurt them when i reviewed them thought it was funny to make a joke they're expensive oh my god this book should not be put down indeed it should be thrown as far away from the unfortunate reader as possible wow he wrote that and then people started to get their own back yeah yeah yeah the job of this book is once you put it down you simply can't pick it up again that's funny isn't it but not for the person who wrote it exactly wow this is fascinating what do you use what do you think is your greatest challenge that you face internally personal challenge as someone who's helped thousands tens of thousands of people personally my goodness understand all this yeah i suppose it's not a challenge to get more people to understand it because people need it you know we all need to be nourished you know we need inter we need nourishment our soul needs to be now she's not about organic avocados from owen market that's great but we all need this emotional nourishment so is it a challenge getting more people to accept it i don't think it is because everyone i see oh my god i love that and some people will go you know i i listen to you thought oh that's rubbish but then i found myself going into the garage and saying nice stuff to myself so [Music] maybe my only challenge but even then it's not a challenge is i would say half the medical profession love what i do and really go for it oh my god this is amazing i'm using it with my own patients the other half okay this is all silly you know illness is caused by disease that you can't talk yourself better talking to yourself doesn't make any difference you can't possibly give birth just using positive affirmations it's like if if you had cancer and you had a very good oncologist you might go look you know the way you think the way you eat the way you act the way you rest can all affect and we're gonna you got cancer chemotherapy there's nothing else that will work and all that stuff is hocus pocus so that is a challenge but it's not so much because i find so many doctors love what i do and go wow you know all these illnesses are autoimmune illnesses many years ago there was a wonderful psychiatrist in london called dr mortally and he had a great expression it's always been my favorite and it says the feeling that cannot find its expression in tears may cause other organs to weep so he knew 100 years ago that's beautiful so beautiful and so true the feeling that cannot find its expression in tears will cause other organs to weep so he's sort of saying if you don't feel the feeling your body's gonna feel it if you don't open your mouth and say you hurt me don't be surprised if you get a screaming everywhere i've got this screaming headache i've got this angry red rash i've got this thumping pain and by the words they're using angry screaming they're saying i have rage that can't come i'm not expressing it but it's expressed yeah because the body is very clever at finding something i worked with someone who couldn't walk and all ships i can't stand there i can't stand my ex i can't stand my life i can't stand my kisses and you can't stand up isn't that interesting she had sort of phantom leg pains because she couldn't stand anything believe us all say well what makes me sick is my sister-in-law i'm so sick of her she just makes me sick i vomit in my mouth every time i hear her voice and then they wonder why they believe it right because our words really affect our reality partly because it's such an easy thing to say every word you say is a blueprint that your mind body and psyche are working to make your reality so we we make our thoughts and our thoughts make us then we go out into the world and we justify our thoughts every day but we our words are a blueprint and when you know that you think well i better pay attention to that blueprint i better not say this kid is killing me my job is making me want to die i'm so stressed out by what the queue in hughes market well go to zimbabwe where there is no hughes market and there is no queue and there's no money to buy food and then you can say you're stressed because your problem the cue in erawan and the bill is someone else's fantasy dream come true you this freeway is killing you you have a car you haven't look at people on four buses i used to take my daughter to school when i'm in one day thinking that oh my god this commute is hell and i saw someone at a bus and thought how lucky i'm in my car i've got the heating i've got a cup of tea i've got an hour to listen to some i can talk to my kid i keep saying one and now to myself well here it is and i learned to stop doing that but when you said how are you a nightmare is torture what the traffic yeah the traffic the queue people keep ringing me the phone ringing it's torture well maybe if it didn't ring that might be worse some of my clients or models will say my life is hell because people look at me it's like really well one day they won't and then you might miss it if i get on a plane and guys hit on me it's a nightmare well put on a baseball hat and glasses readable then they'll leave you alone but that's not a nightmare it's just mildly inconvenient it's not hell right it's not killing you but we use these incredible words this is torture this is killing me this isn't like this is a disaster what is well i went to the bathroom and i forgot to pause my movie that's not a disaster but when you use those words because your mind can't differentiate to feel like it really is a disaster but on the flip side of this the beautiful part if we when we understand and appreciate that our thoughts yeah things yeah we can create the life of our dreams as well we can start to manifest our thoughts by by visualizing by telling ourselves what we want who we want to become yeah and taking those actions toward it we can manifest our dreams you really can you can stop being ill you can change the shape of your body you can change your digestion you can have physical things you can change the way you interact with your kids so here's a good example my kid is a nightmare change that to my child is age-appropriate there you go that's it this builders are going to go oh my god that's a disaster but a good buildup is a challenge when you said talking to girls is terrifying you just change that it's challenging but hey there's hundreds of girls out there there's a numbers game one will say yes and even if they say no the only risk in life is not to take the risk that's the risk if you don't say when you take the risk and it goes wrong you learn something it gives you feedback for how you show up differently next time my girlfriend's a doctor of physical therapy when she works on people she would agree with everything you're saying because people's bodies are so tight yeah of something they tore or something so sore but it's because they're holding on to something emotionally and she says once they start to talk their bodies relax their pain goes away yeah i know the pain where they can't lift their shoulder they can't turn their neck once they let it out their feelings yeah about their relationship or their insecurities or whatever it may be yeah that's when they have a pain-free body because the body keeps score the body holds on to pain and stress and tension and grief and we carry around all this stuff and yet we really don't have to if just more people knew even to say i'm enough every day and to say another of my favorite things to go is i'm choosing this and i'm choosing to feel great i'm choosing to work on my website or weekend i'm choosing to go to the gym i don't love it but i love having a six-pack i'm choosing to say no to krispy kreme doughnuts and yes to apples love krispy kremes do you i could eat 12 of them right now oh they're so good but i choose these yeah yeah and if you say i'm choosing to do this and choosing to feel great about it your mind has a very clear image the way you feel about everything is down to two things the pictures you make in your head and the words you say just if there's nothing else so if you choose to run going i'm running so i'm raising money for charity so i'm gonna complete this run even though my feet hurt my knee hurts because i'm going to raise money but you could run going oh i hate this it's so i could be at home watching netflix i haven't eaten and now my knee hurts and then you'll have to stop so when you keep saying i'm choosing yeah so if you're an olympic athlete you would choose to get up at 4am and train if you are a diabetic you choose to put a needle in your arm if you wear lenses you choose to jab your finger in your eye but you don't go i hate it i don't i can't accept it and i can't change it and when you say i'm choosing to study to work i want to go and talk to this girl i really like or to put good food in my body and i'm choosing to feel great about that too there is there is no resistance when you go i want doughnuts and i can't have them i got to eat this freaking rabbit food what your mind does is it increases the desire for donuts because you said i want doughnuts but i can't have them i want pizza i'm eating kale i can't have these but i choose to use pizza i can eat pizza every day when i'm 95 i'm going to knock myself out with pizza but right now i actually want to look really good in my clothes maybe out of them too so i'll save the pizza when i'm 80 because that door was probably shut then anyway then you can have loads of pizza every day but you have to reason with your mind and negotiate and your mind will always do what it thinks you want that's its job and if you could only tell your mind what you want using relevant up to the minute words you'll get exactly what you want what do you struggle with telling your mind is there anything that you um it took me a long time to tell my mind not to eat sugar i still look at it and it looks so nice that's me but um i still look at candy the other day i was really tired i went into a shop to get coffee and they had jars of jellies and i thought i could eat all of those all of it but i'm choosing not to and i just had the coffee so working out you know i we're on a schedule sometimes just finding the time to go to the gym or do yoga or making the time yeah that's probably the only two really eating healthy food all the time even on a plane even sometimes where there is no healthy food then you've got to wait and choosing to make myself excellent i don't want to but other than that nothing really because i'm i couldn't do what i do unless i was really good at dialoguing with my mind is my best friend it's my the best pa i've ever had and it does what i want because i give it clear instructions what do you say yourself on a daily basis is there like a process in the morning afternoon at night or what would it be like actually when i wake up the first thing i would say is i love my life i love my linen and i love my cup of tea i always wake up going i love my life and then when i make my girl love this tea i love the coffee i love the shower gel in my shower because i i really believe that if you can make your mind get excited by little things then big things every day is like christmas and i think when you wake up ugh what have i got today oh a world of stress i've got this this this this this so you should always wake up and go i love my life i'm alive in a free country i've got all this stuff to make tea and life is great so i do that the second thing i do is i tend to stay in bed and do all my emails because then i feel like i'm not working because i'm in bed propped up drinking my tea and i get all of that out of the way yes very relaxed more relaxed not stressed i try not to have to rush to go to waste but sometimes i do and um i mean i'm very lucky because i love what i do and i do i've always said you work really hard to go i've never worked a day in my life i don't know what that is i don't have to go where's my life is a weekend would say oh the week and i go what's a weekend i can take time off yeah i mean i love my job because i get to make such a difference so i don't really have much to moan about maybe communicating with my daughter is sometimes a challenge because i'm so positive that she occasionally wants me to be super negative why is that well i guess because you have to be the opposite of your parents so idaho is positive she's an artist and she does lots of negative statements on her paintings on her t-shirts because that's the deal you've got to be the opposite of your parents but i understand that but she's great but really i don't have much to complain about you have a positive conversation with yourself pretty much 24 7. yeah what about a nightly uh routine do you have a thoughts that you say to yourself um well you see for me i really believe that first it's what you do and then it's who you are so first you're doing it and then it's who you are and it's so who you are that it wouldn't occur to you to have to make yourself do it see i would never sit on the carousel my my case is lost i just know it it's all going to go wrong there's no cabs out there this is a horrible flight i now have a belief and it really excuse me that there's no such thing as being bored if my flight is late i mean i just get on my laptop on my phone i mean it's i have 24 entertainment empty out my emails look at something the days of having to wait and being bored even waiting in the car my little phone is like everything books messages videos and so i love that i don't really mind about missing stuff and being late anymore in fact when i was last landing here two weeks ago i was hoping the premier league because i was so into this movie hopefully it's delayed yeah it was delayed when the pilot said we've got to go around with that that's so great that's exactly how long is left of this movie but i think it's important for people to understand that it isn't what you do it's a bit like people who say i've done yoga every day and now it's just my soul like meghan markle said that yoga is in my soul i don't do yoga yoga is part of my life it's like you don't say i walk my dog if you've had a dog for 20 years just get up pick up the lead and it's it's who you are not what you do and so for me it really isn't what i do because it's so a part of me and i like it and so i'm quite lucky that i'm pretty happy and positive but i really do love my life and that's a good thing was there ever something in the last 10 years that questioned everything that you've done or that question your ability to say i love my life you know i did get very sick like a year ago and i thought wow how could that happen you know i'm so happy and positive and eat well so i was a bit surprised when i got sick but then i could go through that the same thing the thinking the belief i decided i'd focus on massive healing i kept telling my body that it was a cancer-fighting machine i was making all these nk killer cells and i did actually go home the next day i was on stage a week later and my doctor was like wow you become the poster girl for just going on with your life and now i look at one particular um youtuber thing that's so bizarre i had like major surgery just a week before that and you'd never know but um again it it's it's a belief i decided i do wellness i said the husband i need to go home i want and i went and i got away in bed i watched um ray donovan i thought this is it i'm doing wellness here i'm not going to lie in that bed where they keep trying to give you pills and i didn't feel any pain at all because i just kept telling my body to heal itself and then later i thought maybe it's good i got that because i can help other people and i go look you know it life throws stuff at you but you get to choose how to deal with it yeah and even then i noticed that i was very positive because i you know i had actually got womb cancer i don't know a stroke of luck to get wound cancer i don't need a womb it's done its job i've had a great kid i talked to my womb and said thanks for giving me this great kid but now i've got to get rid of you because i've got to stay here and raise this great kid and i thought that's good i mean imagine if you get brain cancer or bone cancer i felt very lucky it was a disposable organ they'd done a great job i didn't need it and so i think once you become like that it's just who you are so i never had oh my god i'm gonna die because i don't know i'm not going anywhere it is all perspective i mean i still you know people will say to me but i thought you were so healthy how could you get that as it turns out i have some that same gene that angelina jolie has but but then of course bruce lipton will tell you can turn off a gene you can you can mentally remove that gene so even with adversity because it's quite good in a way because people think oh your life's just you're like pollyanna just tripping along having a wonderful life that's not true i've still had adversity but your mind will always kick in when it's well trained you go this is a blip just it's just a blip just carry on and so you got to train your mind like you train a horse you know i say your mind's like a ferrari and if you've never done a ferrari it's going to go all over the place but if you have ferrari driving lessons you're going to run that ferrari the ferrari should not be running you if you get on a horse you've never ridden it's going to go everywhere but if you have some horse riding skills you say go there and it goes so i see my mind like a horse and i am the rider but i'm going to tell my mind where to go and it's going to do it and when you recognize that there's something that you can do that no one else can do which cut which is your mind it's what you're doing it's your perception then there's no envy or jealousy there's no desire to be like someone else competition goes because you can't be competed with because no one can do what you can do so everyone is in that same boat so suddenly now if you move from competition to enhancement

Channel: Lewis Howes

Views: 711,071

Keywords: Lewis Howes, Lewis Howes interview, school of greatness, self help, self improvement, self development, personal development, success habits, success, wealth, motivation, inspiration, inspirational video, motivational video, success principles, millionaire success habits, how to become successful, success motivation, Marisa peer interview, marisa peer hypnosis, marisa peer i am enough, marisa peer meditation, marisa peer confidence

Id: dYXJuX5D6YQ

Length: 97min 4sec (5824 seconds)

Published: Wed Jan 19 2022