WELCOME TO "THE LATE SHOW."
I'M YOUR HOST, STEPHEN COLBERT. WE'VE BEEN OFF THE AIR
FOR A WEEK. YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAS?
TUCKER CARLSON. [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THE DIFFERENCE IS, I'M ALLOWED BACK ON.
HERE'S WHAT HAPPENED. LAST MONDAY,
FOX NEWS FIRED TUCKER CARLSON. I CAN'T BELIVE.
WHOO! I FINALLY GET TO SAY THT ON TV!
I'VE BEEN HOLDING THIS IN FOR A WEEK.
I FEEL LIKE I JUST HAD THE BEST PEE OF MY ENTIRE
LIFE. LIKE HIM OR NOT --
AND FOR THE RECORD, DON'T -- CARLSON WAS THE MOST-WATCHED
CABLE-NEWS HOST. SO WHY FIRE HIM?
FOX DID NOT GIVE A REASON. IN FACT, "TUCKER CARLSON'S EXIT
REMAINS A MYSTERY." YES, A MYSTERY.
YOU CAN READ ALL ABOUT IT IN "NANCY DREW AND THE CASE OF:
WHY DIDN'T THIS HAPPEN YEARS AGO?"
SO HERE'S THE DEALIO. SO THIS ISN'T A WHO DUNNIT.
IT'S A WHY DUNNIT. HERE ARE SOME OF THE CLUES.
DURING THE DOMINION LAWSUIT, WE LEARNED THAT CARLSON
WAS PRIVATELY TEXTING DISPARAGING REMARKS ABOUT HIS
MANAGERS AND COWORKERS. WHAT WE DIDN'T KNOW, BUT FOX
LATER FOUND OUT, IS THAT TUCKER CALLED A SENIOR FOX NEWS
EXECUTIVE THE C-WORD. >> [BOOING]
>> Stephen: CONSERVATIVE? COWABUNGA?
OH! THAT WORD.
WOW, NICE MOUTH, TUCKER. YOU KISS YOUR M&M
WITH THAT MOUTH? YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE?
YOU SEE WHAT I DID THERE? FOR THOSE
WHO DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT, HE CALLED HIS
BOSS A C-U-NEXT-TUESDAY. OR, IN THIS CASE,
A C-U-NEVER-TUCKER. THAT WAS JUST
♪ ♪ THAT WAS JUST THE TIP OF THE
MISOGYNY-BERG. IN ANOTHER VIDEO OBTAINED BY THE
NEW YORK TIMES, TUCKER IS SHOWN OFF CAMERA DISCUSSING HIS
"POSTMENOPAUSAL FANS". OKAY, THAT SEEMS A LITTLE RUDE,
BUT THAT'S MOST OF HIS FANS. AFTER ALL, THE SUREST WAY
TO STOP OVULATING IS LOOKING AT THIS FACE.
IT'S TRUE. THE OVARIES JUST DROP OUT
AND PKEW! BUT IT'S NOT JUST SEXISM.
REPORTEDLY, SOME HIGHER-UPS AT FOX WERE CONCERNED ABOUT WHAT
THEY FELT WAS THINLY VEILED RACISM ON HIS SHOW.
THINLY VEILED? NO WONDER THEY WERE MAD.
FOX LIKES THEIR RACISM CUT THICK,
LIKE A COUNTRY BACON. ANOTHER THEORY IS THAT TUCKER
GOT FIRED BECAUSE HE PERSONALLY OFFENDED FOX CHAIRMAN
AND PISSED OFF SACK OF YOGURT, RUPERT MURDOCH.
WORD ON THE STREET IS, TUCKER GOT A LITTLE TOO
CHRISTIAN FOR MURDOCH'S TASTE, INCLUDING A SPEECH AT THE
HERITAGE FOUNDATION THAT WAS LACED WITH RELIGIOUS OVERTONES,
AND ACCORDING TO A SOURCE, "THAT STUFF FREAKS RUPERT OUT."
OF COURSE IT DOES. I MEAN, LISTEN.
IF I WAS RUPERT MURDOCH, I WOULDN'T WANT TO BELIEVE
IN HELL EITHER. WHATEVER THE REASON.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] FOX NEWS PARTED WAYS WITH
TUCKER, AND IN HIS OLD TIME SLOT,
VIEWERSHIP IS DOWN 56%. AND NOT ALL OF THAT IS
FOX VIEWERS DYING IN FRONT OF THEIR SETS.
CONSERVATIVES ARE FURIOUS THAT FOX FIRED CARLSON, BUT ANOTHER
REASON NOBODY'S WATCHING IS FOX NEWS HOST AND MAN
WITH RESTING LOBOTOMY FACE, THE BROWN-HAIRED GUY WHO'S
NOT STEVE DOOCY OR TUCKER CARLSON.
JUST LOOK AT HIM ENTHRALLING VIEWERS ON FRIDAY.
>> WE HAVE MORE IN JUST A MOMENT.
THE MUSIC'S GONNA GET LOUDER, GRAPHICS ARE GONNA COME IN,
AND I'M GONNA SAY SOMETHING WHEN I COME BACK.
>> Stephen: "I'M GONNA GO AWAY FROM THE SCREEN, BUT MY
PRODUCERS PROMISE ME THAT I WILL NOT DISAPPEAR FOREVER LIKE THAT
BALL THAT ROLLED BEHIND THE COUCH.
I'LL JUST SIT HERE AND WAIT FOR YOU TO COME BACK.
I LIVE IN YOU TV, MY RATINGS ARE MY FOOD,
AND PLEASE NEVER CHANGE THE CHANNEL."
FOX'S LOSS IS SOMEONE ELSE'S GAIN, BECAUSE OVER AT
CONSERVATIVE NETWORK NEWSMAX, PRIMETIME VIEWERSHIP HAS SURGED.
THAT'S BIG NEWS FOR THEIR PRIMETIME LINEUP:
THE SECURITY CAMERA AT A BAIT AND TACKLE SHOP.
CURRENTLY TUCKER IS A FREE AGENT AND THERE'S PLENTY OF INTEREST.
IMMEDIATELY AFTER HE WAS FIRED, TUCKER CARLSON GOT
AN OFFER FROM RUSSIA STATE MEDIA.
THAT'S GOTTA BE A TEMPTING OFFER.
UP UNTIL NOW, HE'S BEEN REPRESENTING RUSSIA PRO BONO.
TUCKER HAS ALSO GOTTEN DA.
WE REPORT. YOU DECIDE.
TUCKER HAS GOTTEN UNOFFICIAL OFFERS FROM ONE AMERICA NEWS
NETWORK, CONSERVATIVE NEWS OUTLETBLAZE TV, AND EVEN
MIKE LINDELL OFFERED TUCKER CARLSON A JOB.
YEAH, LINDELL WANTS TUCKER TO BE THE PILLOW.
BIG NEWS OUT OF THE WHITE HOUSE, ALMOST FORGOT
LAST WEEK, PRESIDENT BIDEN OFFICIALLY
ANNOUNCED THAT HE WILL SEEK A SECOND TERM.
OF COURSE, WE KNOW BIDEN'S REAL OPPONENT IS
THE RAVAGES OF TIME. IF HE WINS A SECOND TERM,
HE WILL BE 86 WHEN HE LEAVES OFFICE.
AND VOTERS FEEL THAT IS, TO PUT IT DELICATELY:
WAY TOO [BLEEP] OLD. ACCORDING TO A NEW POLL,
70% OF AMERICANS BELIEVE BIDEN SHOULD NOT RUN FOR RE-ELECTION,
AND HALF OF THOSE POLLED CITE HIS AGE AS A MAJOR REASON.
BUT WHAT MATTERS IS THAT BIDEN IS YOUNG AT HEART.
THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.
[APPLAUSE] THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S ALL HIS OTHER ORGANS WE HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT.
BUT JOE'S GOT HOPE, BABY, BECAUSE IN THAT SAME POLL,
88% OF DEMOCRATIC VOTERS SAY THEY'D DEFINITELY OR PROBABLY
STILL VOTE FOR BIDEN IF HE'S THE NOMINEE.
YEAH! DEFINITELY OR PROBABLY.
SO, NOBODY WANTS HIM, BUT THEY'LL TAKE HIM IF
HE'S THEIR ONLY OPTION. HE'S A POLITICAL POSITION
KNOWN AS "OATMEAL RAISIN COOKIE."
FOLLOWING HIS ANNOUNCEMENT, BIDEN WAS ASKED ABOUT THE ISSUE
OF HIS AGE, AND HE SAID THIS. >> YOU SAID QUESTIONS ABOUT YOUR
AGE ARE LEGITIMATE AND YOUR RESPONSE IS
ALWAYS "JUST WATCH ME." WHAT DO YOU SAY THOSE AMERICANS
WHO ARE WATCHING AND AREN'T CONVINCED?
>> WITH REGARD TO AGE, I CAN'T EVEN SAY -- I GUESS HOW OLD
I AM. I CAN'T EVEN SAY THE NUMBER.
IT DOESN'T REGISTER WITH ME. >> Stephen: "LISTEN, JACK,
LISTEN. IF YOU'RE WORRIED ABOUT MY AGE,
YOU'LL BE PLEASED TO KNOW THAT I HAVE TROUBLE IDENTIFYING
AND CALCULATING BASIC NUMBERS." MARCO.
WHAT? ONE GUY IT LOOKS LIKE BIDEN
WON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT MUCH NEXT YEAR IS FLORIDA
GOVERNOR AND BROKEN ROBOT IN THE HALL OF NEVER-GONNA-BE
PRESIDENTS, RON DeSANTIS. RON DeSANTIS WAS SUPPOSED TO
HELP THE G.O.P. MOVE PAST THE FORMER PRESIDENT, BUT HE HAS
ONE BIG POLITICAL LIABILITY: HE'S RON DeSANTIS.
AND HE'S TANKING IN THE POLLS. AND NOT JUST HERE.
ANYWHERE HE GOES ON THE PLANET. HE JUST RETURNED.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE] RON DeSANTIS JUST RETURNED
FROM A FOREIGN TRIP THAT WAS OFFICIALLY BILLED AS AN ATTEMPT
TO BUILD FLORIDA GOES ECONOMIC RELATIONSHIPS WITH THE U.K.,
ISRAEL, SOUTH KOREA AND JAPAN. YES, HE WAS TRYING TO BOOST
SALES OF FLORIDA'S TOP EXPORTS: UNEMPLOYED ALLIGATORS,
SPONGEBOB FACE TATTOOS, AND DRUNK BACHELORETTES
WANDERING AROUND GOING, "GUYS, WHERE'S LIZ?"
"WHERE'S LIZ?" I'M SUPPOSED TO GO BACK
TO THE HOTEL WITH LIZ. WAIT, I'M LIZ.
OF COURSE, THE REAL POINT OF THE TRIP WAS TO MAKE HIM LOOK
PRESIDENTIAL, BUT IN JAPAN, IT MADE HIM LOOK LIKE THIS.
>> GOVERNOR, POLLS SHOW YOU FALLING BEHIND TRUMP.
ANY THOUGHTS ON THAT? >> I'M NOT A CANDIDATE,
SO WE'LL SEE IF AND WHEN THAT CHANGES.
>> Stephen: "I'M NOT A, I'M NOT A CANDIDATE,
AND I'M ALSO NOT A, NOT IN CONTROL OF MY HEAD!
THIS IS NOT A JOKE, I CAN'T STOP.
HELP! MY SKULL IS FULL OF BEES!"
OH, NO. OH, NO.
THEY FOUND A FLOWER. DeSANTIS ALSO TRAVELED TO THE
UNITED KINGDOM, WHERE HE MET WITH BRITISH
BUSINESS LEADERS, WHO LATER DESCRIBED HIM AS:
HORRENDOUS AND LOW-WATTAGE, AND SAID THAT DeSANTIS
LOOKED BORED AND STARED AT HIS FEET AT AN EVENT
CO-HOSTED BY LLOYD'S OF LONDON, THE WORLD'S LARGEST INSURANCE
MARKETPLACE." HE BORED BRITISH INSURANCE
AGENTS! [BRITISH ACCENT]
"OH, I SAY. OH.
MY GOODNESS. HE'S FRIGHTFULLY DULL.
LET'S GO BACK TO DISCUSSING DEDUCTIBLES FOR CHIMNEY LUNG."
THE HARSHEST REVIEW OF ALL: "IT FELT REALLY A BIT LIKE WE
WERE WATCHING A STATE-LEVEL POLITICIAN.
THERE WASN'T ANY STARDUST." NO STARDUST.
OR AS IT'S KNOWN IN FLORIDA, METH.
THAT WASN'T THE ONLY LOWLIGHT FROM DeSANTIS'S TRIP.
HERE HE IS RESPONDING TO A QUESTION ABOUT A FORMER GITMO
DETAINEE WHO CLAIMS DeSANTIS WAS PRESENT WHILE HE
WAS TORTURED. >> HOW WOULD THEY KNOW ME?
OKAY, THINK ABOUT IT, DO YOU HONESTLY BELIEVE THAT IS
CREDIBLE? SO THIS IS 2006, I AM A JUNIOR
OFFICER, DO YOU HONESTLY THINK THEY WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED ME
FROM ADAM? OF COURSE NOT.
>> Stephen: "YOU REALLY THINK A GUY WOULD REMEMBER ME?
NO ONE REMEMBERS ME. I DON'T REMEMBER ME.
GLOM DeSANDWICH? OH, NO, THE BEES ARE BACK!"
THE BEES ARE BACK!" OH!
WE'VE GOT A GREAT SHOW FOR YOU TONIGHT.
MY GUESTS ARE NICOLAS CAGE AND JAMES MARSDEN.
BUT WHEN WE COME BACK, I TALK ABOUT
HOPEFULLY CONTINUING TO COME BACK.
♪ ♪
