Why Truly Sociable People Hate Parties

The idea of being a sociable person is nowadays heavily associated with finding enjoyment in going to, and in all likelihood also in giving, parties. To be sociable means welcoming the idea of being in a room replete with an above-average number of other guests, many of whom will be unknown, most of whom will be holding a glass of alcohol, bantering, with lights lower than they normally would be, and music somewhat higher than required in order faithfully to catch the details of another’s voice. Parties have become synonymous with sociability because of certain underlying ideas about what true social connection might require and entail. We assume that sociability naturally springs up when lots of people are put together in a room, that it means speaking a lot and notably cheerfully about things that have been happening in our lives, that it depends on a jokey manner and – ideally – on the possession of a few entertaining anecdotes, often involving striking coincidences. But such assumptions sidestep two sizeable objections. Firstly, true sociability – that is a real connection between two people – is almost never built up via anything cheerful. It is the result of making ourselves vulnerable before another person, by revealing something that is broken, lost, confused, lonely and in pain within us. We build genuine connections when we dare to exchange thoughts that might leave us open to humiliation and judgement; we make real friends through sharing in an uncensored and frank way a little of the agony and confusion of being alive. Secondly, true sociability requires a context. We are generally under such pressure to appear normal, self-possessed and solid, we are understandably uninclined spontaneously to disclose our true selves. Our default mode is – without anything sinister being meant by this – to lie about who we are and what is really going on in our lives. This suggests that a genuinely social occasion might be rather different from what we typically envisage. We think of a ‘good host’ as someone who makes sure there is enough wine and, at a pinch, ensures people know each other’s names. But in the profound sense, a good host is someone who creates the conditions in which strangers can start to feel safe about being sad and desperate together. Unfortunately, the modern world seems particularly resistant to anything that seems artificial around parties, which threatens to evoke that most dreaded of all social genres: the corporate get-together. The thought is simply to pack a room and leave the rest to nature. But a commitment to deep sociability might lead us to recognise that we do depend on a little artful choreography to get us into the psychological zone in which connections can unfold. We might need encouragement – and even a helpful lanyard – to share a little of what is sad within us. We need help in networking, not in order to find new investment opportunities, but so as to identify shared regrets, humiliations and feelings of despair. Parties, as they are currently structured, constitute a clever ruse by a sharp minority, – perhaps only ten per cent of humanity – to persuade the rest of us that we have been provided with the social contact we crave. But, in truth, it takes a sharply insular and misanthropic person to feel that what goes on in an average party really counts as anything like the requisite encounter with one’s fellow human animal. If we have a lingering horror of parties, we should be generous towards our hunches. It doesn’t mean that we don’t like other people, rather that we have too ambitious a conception of social contact to put up with what is on offer at most parties. The mark of a truly sociable person might, in many situations, simply be a strong desire to stay at home. If you're interested in comming to San Francisco to meet us at the end of March, please click on the link on the screen now, to find out more. We hope to see you there.

Channel: The School of Life

Views: 1,095,811

Rating: 4.8787994 out of 5

Keywords: the school of life, relationships, alain de botton, philosophy, wisdom, London, talk, self, improvement, big questions, mindfullness, psychology, introvert, extrovert, extrovert vs introvert, extrovert problems, extroverted introvert, parties, drinking, socializing, why don't I like going out, social skills, how to socialize, personality, PL-SELF, como ser social em festas, 如何在派对上进行社交活动, wie man auf Partys sozial ist, cómo ser social en las fiestas

Id: IQpQVOPokhk

Length: 4min 35sec (275 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 22 2018

Reddit Comments

[u/GingerpithicusFrisii]

This one hit close to home. My problem stems from having done this (been vulnerable) too often where the trust that I’ve extended is rejected- or worse, met with apathy. If this happens enough, it shouldn’t come as a surprise when we develop personality disorders- especially those in cluster c. It’s been one of the biggest challenges of my life to keep at it, but I still believe that “my people” are out there, somewhere.

[u/dilatory_tactics]

Modern society is so up to its ears in bullshit that truth is taboo.

It is a bad idea to be authentic in modern society, because your vulnerability and sickness and incapacity are a source of profit for others.

So the only way to tell the truth is anonymously, and the only way to be authentic is to be inauthentic.

AvPD is a normal response to a sick society.

[u/fneezer]

I went to a party once in my life that wasn't just a family or school or church occasion or group therapy. I'm 51 and that's once. It wouldn't even have happened except there was a woman I'd met who was very generous and outgoing who collected a bunch of guys she'd met who were around the same age, late 20s to 30s. Some were already friends with each other. I guess she wanted to set up some potential for the guys she invited to socialize and make more friends. (I think there was a little wine available, but I didn't drink yet at the time.)

It bugs me that everyone seems to assume that there are social situations everyone goes through enough to know what their responses are and what their personality is in those situations. Questionnaires for mental illnesses and for personality tests are set up that way. It seems like every psychologist and other author who has written anything about mental illnesses or personality types has all these idiotic assumptions that everyone has the same opportunities and that you can measure and judge people by how many friends they have. People assume that you can ask people about how they act at parties and that will tell you something about them. It's all idiotic that people make all these assumptions.

Would everyone please stop assuming that other people are "socially retarded" or "weird" or have other serious problems, when they've hardly ever been invited anywhere? Even those nice people who might have wanted me to join part of their social circles were trying to diagnose me and saying maybe I'm asexual, for not having a relationship yet when I was in my 30s.