Is It Better to Be Polite or Frank?

for most of human history the idea of being polite has been central to our sense of what is required to count as a good and civilized person but more recently politeness has come under suspicion it can sound a bit fake and insincere and in its own way really rather rude we often tend to prefer the idea of being frank and speaking our own minds the rise in our collective suspicions of politeness has a history politeness used to be central to our education etiquette books and guides to manners were all deemed essential yet in the late 18th century the approach was thrown into disrepute an alternative romantic ideal emerged in large part driven forward by the Swiss philosopher jean-jacques Rousseau who powerfully read ascribed politeness as an indication of civility and deceit and argued in favor of always remaining true to yourself the romantic suspicion of politeness was given a further boost by the increasing role of the United States being direct and open came to be seen by Americans themselves as one of their national virtues an attitude encapsulated in a climactic line from Gone with the Wind when Rhett Butler turns to Scarlett O Hara and tells her exactly how he sees it frankly we're here I don't give a damn and because America has been the world's most influential culture for around a century and a half its attitude towards politeness has been widely and pervasively disseminated around the planet ever since what ultimately separates the polite from the frank person isn't really a knowledge of etiquette it's not really about what knife to use at a formal dinner when to say please or thank you or how to word a wedding invitation it comes down to a contrasting set of beliefs about human nature the polite and the frank person behave differently chiefly because they see the world in highly divergent ways these are some of the key ideological issues that separate them Frank people believe in the importance of expressing themselves honestly principally because they trust that what they happen to think and feel will always prove to be fundamentally acceptable to the world their true sentiments and opinions may when voiced be bracing of course but no worse these Frank types assume that what is honestly avowed cannot really ever be vindictive disgusting tedious or cruel in this sense the polite person sees themselves a little in the way we typically see small children as blessed by an original and innate goodness even the most etiquette conscious among us don't usually think that the strictures of politeness will apply to the very young we remain interested to hear about whatever may be passing through these diminutive creatures minds and we stay unalarmed by the awkward moments or negative statements if they say that the pastor is yuck or that the taxi driver is ahead like a weird goldfish it sounds funny rather than wounding the Frank person's trust in their basic purity erodes the rationale for editing or self-censorship they can believe that everything about them were more or less proof fine whatever they happen to say or do the polite person by contrast proceeds under a fervent suspicion of themselves and their impulses they sense that a great deal of what they feel and want really isn't very nice that closely in touch with their darker desires and can sense their fleeting wishes to hurt or humiliate people they know they're sometimes a bit revolting and cannot forget the extent to which they may be offensive or frightening to others they therefore set out on a deliberate strategy to protect others from what they know is within them it isn't lying as such they merely understand that being themselves is a treat they should take enormous pains to spare everyone else from experiencing especially anyone they claim to care about the Frank person operates with a charming unconscious assumption that other people are at heart pretty much like them this can make them very Club herbal and allows them to create some astonishing intimacy's across social barriers at high speed when they like listening to a particular piece of music at high volume they'll take it as obvious that you probably do as well because they're very enthusiastic about spicy food or never want to add salt to a dish doesn't cross their mind to ask if you actually like this restaurant or would favor a salt cellar on the table for their part the polite person starts from the assumption that others are highly likely to be in quite different places internally whatever the outward signs their behavior is therefore tentative weary and filled with inquiries they will explicitly check up with others to take a measure of their experiences in Outlook if they feel cold they're very alive to the possibility that you may be feeling perfectly warm and so we'll take trouble to ask if you'd mind if they went over and closed the window they're aware that you might be annoyed by a joke that they find funny or that you might very sincerely hold political opinions quite at odds with their own their manners are grounded in an acute sense of the Gulf that can separate one human being from another the Frank person works with an underlying sense that other people are internally for the most part extremely robust those around them are not felt to be forever on the verge of self-doubt and self-hatred their egos are not assumed to be gossamer-thin and a perpetual risk of deflating there is therefore understood to be no need to let out constant small signals of reassurance and affirmation when you go to someone's house the fact that the meal was tasty will be obvious to everyone not least the person who spent four and a half hours cooking it so there's no need to keep stressing the point in a variety of discreet ways the office junior must have a pretty clear sense that they're making the grade without a need to stop and spell it out a frank person assumes that everyone's ego is already at least as big and strong as it should be the polite person however starts from a contrary assumption that all of us are permanently only millimeters away from inner collapse despair and self-hatred however confident we may look we're painfully vulnerable to a sense of being disliked and taken for granted all of us are walking around without a skin accordingly the polite person will be drawn to spend a lot of time noticing and commenting positively on the most apparently minor details they'll say that the watercress soup was the best they've had for years they'll mention that that work on a Mexico deal was really helpful too and was noticed by the whole company they'll know that everyone we come across has a huge capacity to hurt us with what we foolishly and unfairly refer to as small things there'll be an Associated difference in how the frank and polite person behaves in service contexts Frank people don't feel any great need to express gratitude the waiter or the person at the car hire desk has they feel no special need of kindness on top of the money they'll already be getting from the transaction yet the polite person knows that we need to find respect and a form of love from our work as much as we need cash so they'll be conscious of an additional need to contribute smiles and pleasant word or two these people are doing their jobs for the money of course but payment never invalidate an equally strong emotional hunger for a sense of having been useful noticed and appreciated by another person the Frank person is often very kind but in a big way they're interested in enormous acts of generosity and kindness towards major sections of humanity perhaps the rescue of the whole continent of Africa or a plan to give every child in the country an equally good start in life but a consequence of their enthusiasm can be a certain impatience with smaller moves and gestures there's really no point they may feel in spending time and money sending people flowers writing notes after dinner or remembering birthdays when a fundamental transformation of the human condition is at hand the polite person also passionately cares about spreading kindness love and goodness on a mass scale but they're cautious about the chances of doing so on any realistic time horizon yet their belief that you perhaps can't make things a lot better for a huge number of people in the coming decades makes them feel that it is still very much a worthy goal to try and make a modest minor improvement in the lives of the few humans you do have direct contact with in the here-and-now they may never be able to transform another person's prospects entirely or rescue the whole species from its Agony's but they can smile and stop for five minutes to chat to a neighbor about the weather their modesty around what's pasa makes them acutely sensitive to the worth of the little things that can be done before today is over the Frank person has a high degree of confidence as to their ability to judge relatively quickly and for the very long term what's right and wrong about a given situation they feel they can tell who's behaved well or badly and what the appropriate course of action should be around any dilemma this is what gives them the confidence to get angry with whatever strikes them as stupid and to blow up bridges with people they've become vexed with the polite person is much more unsure they're conscious that what they feel strongly about today might not be what they end up thinking next week they know how easily they can get it all wrong so they're drawn to deploy softening tentative language and holding back on criticism whenever possible they'll suggests that an idea might not be quite right they'll say that a project is attractive but that it could be interesting to look at alternatives as well they'll consider that an intellectual opponent may well have a point they are just lying or dodging tough decisions their behavior is symptomatic of a new ask belief that few ideas are totally without merit no proposals are 100% wrong and almost no one is entirely foolish they know good and bad are deviously entangled their politeness is a logical careful response to the complexity that they identify in the world both the Frank and the polite person of course have important lessons to teach us but it may be that at this point in history it's the distinctive wisdom of the polite person that is actually the one most ripe for rediscovery and that may have the most effective power to take the edge off some of the more brutal aggressive and in the end counterproductive consequences of the raining Frank ideology you

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Keywords: alain de bottom, tsol, sol, the school of life, therapy, philosophy, learning, thinkings, education, wonder, happiness, joy, study, sermon, lecture, mood, information, love, relationships, polite, frank, blunt, nice, social norms, how to behave, making friends, wellness, mindfulness, PL-Relationships, विनम्र रहना, höflich sein, 有礼貌, ser cortés, être poli, ser educado

Id: BESJqphtp2U

Length: 11min 8sec (668 seconds)

Published: Wed Oct 12 2016