Why overly empathic people are irresistible to narcissists

hi everyone its dr. Romani and welcome to this series on different kinds of narcissist magnets the risk factors and vulnerabilities we may carry within ourselves patterns we have might be great things actually but that might make us vulnerable to the manipulations the machinations and the challenges of the narcissistic people that are out there so each series will take that apart pay attention if it seems to be you think about how these patterns might make you vulnerable to the narcissist in your life today we're gonna take on the quality of being overly empathic before I get to that please as always hit that subscribe button hit that Bell but today we're going to talk about how overly empathic people can really be narcissists magnets now the term empath is one that has been floating around for a while and in general the term signifies a person who is extremely attuned and extremely impactful things about this at a deep attempt to be present with other people they're very connected into their own emotional States they're able to be responsive to other people and to their emotional states but there is also a dark side to this of an empath getting lost in their vortex of another person's emotional world almost giving themselves up to be there for other people experiencing psychological distress themselves because they feel so much of other people's pain and struggling to set boundaries with other people because of their deep empathy and their unwillingness to walk away or stay away now I find it difficult to say that anyone out there is overly empathic because I think empathy is a wonderful quality it's absolutely essential for healthy human relationships but when that abundance of empathy translates into giving more for others to the neglect of your own self or over giving to other people who just take take take and do not reciprocate the abundance of empathy can be risky for the extremely empathetic person as I've often talked about on this channel empathy is good like I said it is the stuff of the healthy relationships empathy in and of itself is the ability to not only be aware of others but also to be self aware so why are overly empathic people magnets for narcissists because simply put the empathic person cares and the overly empathic person not only cares but keeps giving and giving and giving because it is simply what they do and the narcissist keeps taking and taking and taking because because it is simply what they do the short answer is the overly empathic person lets the narcissist get away with their BS and never calls them on it and just keeps being very sweet to them it is actually the ultimate set up for a narcissistic person and because a hyper or very empathic person is not cynical enough to look for red flags they tend to miss most of them and they try to keep seeing that narcissistic person in their behavior through a lens of compassion now people who are overly empathic often believe that giving and feeling and being present with another person is what human relationships are supposed to be about and in most cases except with narcissus they're absolutely correct and in many human relationships this abundance of empathy may actually have done quite well by them but sadly we live in a world in which people often take advantage of overly empathic people even people who are not narcissists I mean listen you know how I feel about this and I think that in a world that is becoming increasingly uncivil and polarized and competitive and entitled it is very easy to devalue empathy and in turn to devalue empathic people overly empathic people are at the greatest risk of giving those narcissists second chances third chances fourth chances hundredth chances they often forgive they try to see the narcissist point of view they rationalize they keep focusing on compassion for example they will make excuses on the basis of a difficult backstory the Narcis mate narcissists may have had in their life and try to use their hyper-charged empathy to heal the narcissist and make it all better a very empathic person hates the idea that someone can't benefit from love and compassion and they definitely don't like the idea of just letting someone go it doesn't compute for them they think that's not right I am gonna be compassionate it's Who I am now once a narcissist starts to see that they can do what they want and the very empathic person that's with them it keeps letting them get away with it the narcissist becomes a spoiled toddler who will start testing every limit this is not to say that the empathic person in the relationship will not be hurt or even angry or frustrated they will but they'll just continue to keep issuing second chances again and again and again because everybody in their book deserves a chance and everybody deserves to be loved remember the red flags and narcissistic relationship show up very early and an overly empathic person will often not see them because they will simply they'll simply be focusing on being emotionally available all of the time and that can translate into just making excuses for the narcissist now I've had the pleasure of working with very empathic clients throughout the course of my clinical career and I've seen many of them get very lost in narcissistic relationships they'll often come into me working to work with me looking like the walking wounded they'll simply literally almost not understand what's happening and that no matter what they did their partner wouldn't change their behavior because now you know narcissistic people don't really change their behavior and actually we're the hyper empathic people really start noticing the cracks in their relationships is after they have children the empathic folks out there may just keep making excuses from their own perspective right I'm the empathic person I believe in compassion I'm gonna keep making excuses but because the hyper empathic person is also very empathic towards their own children that's when they may become distressed to see how the narcissistic partner's behavior is negatively impacting their child and actually may become confused because at some point you do start getting tapped out on the whole empathy thing if there's none coming in and someone vulnerable that you also deeply empathize for is getting hurt not only are overly empathic people very much narcissists magnets but it is very difficult for them to get out of these relationships they are often plagued by guilt especially if they're narcissists often hoover's them back in they may also feel guilty for not trying hard enough loving the person enough listening enough it can actually start taking on I mean I hate to say it but almost a more cold until over time with the hyper empathic individual running a risk of giving to this narcissistic person to the point of exhaustion and definitely far beyond the point of healthy it is almost as though there is some sort of value to the empathic person in enduring all of this bad treatment but we have to be careful as that may not always be the case as I've been saying for a very long time one of the main reasons people get into and stay in these relationships is lack of knowledge and people who are very empathic are at the same vulnerability of not having the knowledge as everybody else and as I've also observed are often quite resistant to that knowledge I have had more than a few experiences when very empathic people have told me I'm actually very mean-spirited me Romani is very mean-spirited to even talk about narcissism and that I shouldn't be labeling people and everyone deserves to be loved and felt and given a chance and I listen to them because I do agree that everyone absolutely deserves love I also believe that nobody should ever have to endure any form of abuse or invalidation in the name of making a relationship work it can take a while but over time once the patterns are laid bare for people who are very empathic there can be a slow transformation and painful acceptance of the narcissistic relationship that they are in but even with that knowledge and acceptance some very empathic people stay in the narcissistic relationship that is how vulnerable that hyper empathic people can be to and be in their narcissistic relationships so very empathic people exhaust themselves like like I like moths who are drawn to a flame who get burned they believe they truly believe in the power of empathy but they often have trouble cutting their losses and leaving something that is a one-way street some very empathic people will spend lifetimes in these relationships basically serving as an emotional punching bag for a narcissist and it can be painful to watch all that they endure because they have such faith in compassion and empathy and change now some slowly come out of the darkness and heartbreakingly they do recognize that it is time that it is time to go and leave one of these relationships now while the magnet series does largely apply to relationships you choose like partners or friends or colleagues or bosses you can see how the hyper-charged empathy can also get you stuck in a family relationship with a toxic parent or sibling or toxic adult child and one major vulnerability is that those who are very empathic have likely been like this their entire lives until they were very and since they were very small children so what that means is that in childhood especially if they were from more narcissistic or antagonistic family systems they may have been gaslighted or tormented and called too sensitive or mocked for their sensitivity or empathy or scapegoated as a byproduct of being so sensitive that can also result in a vulnerability to the manipulations of a narcissist as an adults empathy is wonderful I love it but it's also meant to be reciprocal at some point it is very important for very empathic people to recognize that it is absolutely wonderful to regard the emotionally impoverished world of the narcissist with compassion and even sadness but you must also recognize that you can set boundaries and not have to take responsibility for saving the narcissus and step gracefully back from this relationship more than any other narcissist magnet this group needs to be reminded that self-preservation is a right and then take that beautiful empathy to people who give it back and find that when the well is replenished empathy can be a wonderful thing especially when it is balanced against the need to also be your own advocate ultimately having empathy for yourself is the most important empathy of all so to all of you overly subhan I say overly all of you hyper super very empathic people out there you're a group one of these narcissistic magnets and it is unfortunate because this is an absolutely beautiful quality you have but it is that very beautiful quality that once a person who is toxic and takes advantage of other people recognizes that you have this that they may view that they have found this place where they can carry on their merry little entitled way and get away with it you have the right to set boundaries and it is possible to step away from a toxic relationship in a compassionate way thanks again for tuning in please as always hit that Bell hit that notification hit that subscribe button and I hope this has given you some clarification on how you wonderful empathic folks can be magnets for narcissus

Channel: DoctorRamani

Views: 185,302

Keywords: yt:cc=on

Id: m3Fn9uP3fGI

Length: 15min 10sec (910 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 06 2020