How to Talk to a Partner so They Will Listen

there are always a range of awkward but legitimate things we want and need to complain about in a relationship why do they never call us during the day do they truly have to spend quite so long at work every evening why are we the ones who have to initiate sex every time the questions might be sound but there are two ways we can guarantee that expressing our grievances will end in humiliation the first is to choose the path of bitterness bitterness is rage that's been muffled by shame we resort to bitter attacks when we don't deep down feel that we're entitled to protest and when our complaints have to seep out in a gaseous form from below a bedrock of compliance oh I suppose it was another oh so busy day at work again we might say our lips quivering Oh with our voice Reedy and I see we asked mockingly Oh your phone must have been out of batteries right the target of our rage knows well enough that we are annoyed but we have neither managed to impress them with the justice of our complaint nor move them with a rendition of our dependence and vulnerability we haven't stirred their conscience or pulled their heartstrings we've just made it very easy for them to think us a pain a second equally disastrous path is that of fury we say nothing for far too long and then abruptly give way to disproportionate and seemingly unreasonable anger over one particular ostensibly minor incident we deposit six months worth of surreptitiously accumulated fury and thereby make ourselves an easy target for accusations of insanity our response truly is out sighs in relation to what is apparently at stake it was only one missed call or a dinner that went on for an unforeseen half an hour but that of course is not why we're so upset nevertheless the accused has no difficulty in smiling benignly reminding the invisible jury of their fundamental decency and labeling the process Fusion unbalanced swept along by rage we may also make the mistake of forgetting to restrict ourselves to pointing out that our partner did a bad thing we overplay our hand and charge them with that far heavier offense being a bad person which gives them all the encouragement they need to avoid the task of introspection and to trust that we are unhinged and mean when in truth we're merely desperate and sad at the root of both bitterness and fury lies a feeling that it's not legitimate to ask someone to love us properly to look after our needs or to be kind we can't complain well because we're ashamed of ourselves and some we're convinced of the essential rightness of humiliation as ever the conviction will have a past in the psychological history of the person who is launching bitter Bob's or hurling insults there is typically something a great deal more poignant to behold a child who was at one time made to feel that their needs were irrelevant that an angry father or a depressed mother would not listen and that all attempts to express themselves calmly and logically would founder we cannot complain properly if we do not first believe that we have the right to do so tragically our repeated failures to be heard only confirm our initial background thesis that we are undeserving wretches to master the art of successful complaint we need to trust that we're not as our past would have us believe forever worth ignoring we are allowed to feel unhappy to let our partner know as much and to expect restitution and understanding they probably didn't do it on purpose anyway something it might be hard for us to believe until we can bring a degree of self-love to bear on ourselves when we start to trust in our right to be upset we can also take our time prepare our case and level our gripes with strategic intelligence with the other person never to understand or to be lastingly mean we would also know full well that we had the capacity to walk away we aren't in relationships to suffer in silence or in fury we may have come from unhappy muzzled childhoods but it's the prerogative of adulthood to be able to complain we simply need to give ourselves the space and compassion to learn to do so successfully which means with an absence of sarcasm or rage the marriage box available now in our shop contains the secrets to a successful long-term union to find out more click the link on your screen now you

Channel: The School of Life

Views: 417,272

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Keywords: the school of life, schooloflife, education, relationships, alain de botton, philosophy, talk, self, improvement, big questions, love, wellness, mindfullness, psychology, how, to, hack, PL-RELATIONSHIPS, why won't they listen, how to argue effectively, how to argue with your partner, how to argue and win every time, 如何与合作伙伴交谈以便他们倾听, Como falar com um parceiro para que eles escutem, Comment parler à un partenaire pour qu'il écoute, Wie man mit einem Partner spricht, damit sie hören

Id: Qttya5Fg7zM

Length: 5min 24sec (324 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 30 2018