Why Charisma Isn't What You Think It Is

today we're going to talk about how to develop Charisma even if you're [Music] unattractive most people are of average attractiveness or even below average attractiveness and what do you do if you're one of those people and this is one of the things that bothers me the most because when I talk to people who are of average attractiveness or even somewhat unattractive it is such a struggle to engage with other human beings you have to work so much harder than someone who's attractive and what this sort of ends up in is you engaging in all kinds of techniques to get other people to like you and in fact there's even a whole industry that is designed to teach you these techniques so that you can try to level the playing field with people who are naturally attractive the experience that I'm talking about here is someone who like you're always texting your friends but they never really text you back that when they need something you're going to drop everything and you're going to do whatever they need but they never reciprocate so what ends up happening is that you're kind of chasing these friendships and you're putting in more time and more effort and sometimes you even have to resort to special kinds of manipulative techniques like okay I'm going to do this or I'm going to do negging or I'm going to do this other kind of crap to get this person to engage with me and you deserve better than that I want you to have better than that I want you to be in a situation where by virtue of who you are your charisma is so developed that you naturally attract people to you because you absolutely deserve that and I'm going to help you get there so the first thing that we've got to understand is what is charisma now a lot of people think that Charisma is simply physical attractiveness but as the modern research shows physical attractiveness is just one of the six dimensions of Charisma and on top of that it's not even one of the most important ones there are actually three attributes of charisma that are worth more when it comes to Charisma Than Physical attractiveness now y y'all may not believe that right because we all kind of know for example that like clearly Charisma means physically being hot right well let's actually take a look at the research because I think it's really fascinating so to begin with we're going to take a quick look at this paper called generic Charisma conceptualization and measurement so these two people bless them I can't pronounce these names because they're from Croatia and Slovenia they sort of sat down and tried to figure out okay like what is charisma actually composed of and here's what they found which is really staggering so the first is that attractive is a part of Charisma but it accounts for 10.5% of the variance between people who are charismatic and not charismatic the really interesting thing is if we actually look at the components of Charisma what we discover is the most important aspect of Charisma is communication skills someone who attracts admiration and inspires right so that's not the same as physically attractive and someone who's honest and reliable and if we look at the cumulative variance what that sort of means is what percentage of Charisma is embodied by these three things what we tend to see is first of all these three are all worth more than physical attractiveness and about half of the Charisma that you exude or that most people exude is actually like made up of these three things and it has nothing to do with physical attractiveness in fact physical attractiveness is only responsible for 10.5% of the when it comes to Charisma now that's just one paper and I'm not saying that this one paper you know explains everything there are other papers that we kind of dig into but the first thing to understand is that people have researched Charisma and physical attractiveness accounts for only about 10.5% of it and so then the question is what is the rest of Charisma and how do I develop it so we're going to focus on three attributes because these are the things that you can actually learn how to do and as you improve these what you will naturally find is that people are more interested in spending time with you even if you're physically unattractive so the three things that we're going to talk about are vision and vision implementation authenticity and communication okay so let's start with vision and vision implementation so the first thing to understand is that in our current Society we don't have a whole lot of vision so what does vision mean so companies will have things like targets right we want to sell $100,000 worth of flowers this year and that's like a really solid like that's a business metric baby like this is a goal that I want to accomplish and if you look at your life chances are you will have all kinds of goals for yourself and you think that accomplishing these goals will make people like you right like I need to get one foot taller my dick needs to get a couple inches bigger maybe my tits need to get a couple inches bigger you know maybe I need to make more money and if I hit these targets then people will like me but it turns out that vision is not hitting Targets in fact it's the opposite so vision is the quality of we don't sell flowers we sell Beauty it's this weird abstract kind of thinking it's Vision right it's not a concrete thing it's some kind of idea that you have about your life and the direction that your life is going in now why is it hard for us to develop this floofy floofy idea like what is your vision of your life if I ask you that question you're like I don't know right you can give me a goal but you don't have some weird aesthetic idea of what you want your life to Aspire to be you're not some like Greek philosopher who's like oh yes like I will pursue Beauty because I'm epicurian like uh we don't know how to do that crap right and the question is why it's because that instinct of vision is actually conditioned out of us through things like school so if you look at something like school what is school actually for do we take a group of a hundred kids and try to enhance their understanding and help them develop their sense of vision between the formative years of like literally five and and 22 when most people are in school for 17 years of the basic most formative part of their life we actually try to get rid of vision schools are not places to help you cultivate a vision of life there's they're factories they're factories designed to create a particular kind of person so we have standardized classes with standardized competencies that we measure and standardized ways and when you get let's say a degree in finance everyone who's employing you expects you to have a minimum level of competence so the reason that it's hard for us to develop vision is because we have a society that doesn't care about vision and actually actively conditions us to no longer have a vision and youall may have noticed this because at some point in life you probably had these tiny little inklings of vision and you're like I want to do this thing and everyone else is like no you cannot do that thing you need to become doctor how dare you try to do something to change the world and make it a better place and you want to live a life of Art and Beauty Al who will marry you if you are living an art of a life of Art and Beauty you need to become doctor then you will find a good wife the second reason why it's really hard to have Vision right now is because the world is falling apart so vision is about the future right it's like hey I want to accomplish this thing or not even accomplish it's like I want to live in service to this thing over the next 20 years of my life 30 years of life we don't even know what state the world is going to be in like 2 years from now we've had about three or four Once in A- lifetime crises in like 5 years I've heard that the crab population is cratering it's 25% of what it was like four years ago something insane like that if you're the under the age of 30 it's impossible to buy a house it's like impossible to date whether you're a man or a woman whether you're a dude it's like 90% of people ignore you and if you're a woman it's like if you message someone you're going to get a dickpick so the fundamentals of life in the the future can't be counted on and so psychologically what do we do when we can't count on a future there's no point in having a vision because Vision means disappointment now here's the problem with that even though it's really hard I still want yall to try to cultivate it it's been beaten out of you and it's not a good idea but literally if you look at the science of Charisma and you want to become a more charismatic in individual developing a vision is a key part of it okay and let's understand why because in this world where everything is falling apart if you occasionally meet a human being who has Vision about their life in the future holy that's so inspiring right so let's focus on Vision so let's understand a couple of fundamentals the first is that vision is not a goal so when you're trying to develop your vision of Life anything in your mind that is a goal which is by the way how you've been conditioned to think right promotion this percentage of you know increase in salary this kind of certification this kind of award reward this kind of achievement this kind of whatever like it's always goals goals goals goals goals I want to lose 5 pounds that's different from I want to live a life of Health right my body is a temple what does that mean those are those Vision kinds of statements that then you move towards in a particular way and when you have a solid vision of your life then people will sort of notice that in all of the actions that you do because in pursuing that Vision you will start to align different parts of your life and people will be like wow that person is so organized so how do we develop this Vision first thing that we do is we get rid of goals has nothing to do with goals second thing is that we want to really think about what are the ideals that you want to live your life towards and be as floofy and uncalculated as possible all those thoughts that you've let go by the wayside because they're not useful and you can't achieve them in this world is something that you need to start to develop now Vision also gets coupled with vision implementation and if we look at the research on Charisma these two things are really important it's not enough to have an ideal in life you also need to be able to implement it and the implementation of your vision involves three steps the first is clarification and this is kind of also step one because you know we kind of say I say like develop a vision you're like at this point in the video you haven't done that yet right so what you really want to do is really start to think about what do I want my life to look like when I look back on it what do I want my life to be perceived as by other people what would make me happy on my deathbed if my life was this way and I can guarantee you that if you kind of like well I guess not guarantee you but it's not going to be a particular Target right like when you're 80 years old and you're thinking back to your life and you're like man the one thing that makes me really happy is that when I was 28 years old and I applied for that promotion I got that particular promotion at that particular company and thank God I achieved that goal because that has made my life worthwh no it doesn't work like that right when you look back on your life what are the ideals that you were shoo shooting for what was the direction that you wanted your life to go these are Concepts like you know I want to create a story that inspires people or I see that there's a lot of suffering in this world and I want to capture that suffering and share it with other people in the in the form of like a story or something like that these are kind of more floofy sort of ideas right I want my body to be a temple I want to live a life that I can be proud of I know it sounds kind of bizarre but that's all Vision stuff and the next thing is to just simply clarify that idea and as ask yourself a little bit about why do I want this what's important to me and the more you do that kind of introspective work the more that you will develop Vision the second thing about Vision implementation is structure so now that we have some kind of Ideal and it doesn't have to be fully fleshed out it can be a work over time right is there's a big part that people who are goal focused and not Vision focused kind of focus on which is the what so I want to accomplish this thing it's all about the Target right what's the target we're shooting for we want to increase sales we want to lose 10 lb it's all these targets and we love targets because they're easy to measure and the other thing is that everybody else loves targets because it's a quick way to reduce us to a number it's a way to rank a mass of human beings so we want to abandon that way of thinking when it comes to Vision so Vision implementation is about structure and what we mean by that is where when and how so for whatever ideal you have don't focus on what the goal is focus on when you're going to do it where you're going to do it and how you're going to do it so it's not even about the goal it's really about the process and the more that you focus on the process of it the where the when the how and if you say to yourself okay I want to live a life of beauty what the hell does that mean so then ask yourself where am I going to live a life of beauty when am I going to live a life of beauty how am I going to live a life of beauty what does that mean that means that okay I'm going to make some kind of artwork and present it on March 27th 2024 at this particular community of art local artists or whatever right so as you tunnel down into the when where and how it's not about the what or whether you achieve your goal or not achieve your goal it's when are you going to do it where are you going to do it and how are you going to do it whatever appeals to you there's no right or wrong okay the next part of vision implementation is strategic thinking so this may sound like kind of common sense right like oh I should like think strategically about my life but that's not actually what happens so let me give you all an example so let's say that I have some kind of setback in life let's say I get dumped and what is our experience of being dumped we usually don't think about our life in a strategic way right the setback hurts us so much we start to develop all these views about the opposite sex or maybe the same sex we start to lose our faith and love and humanity and all this kind of stuff we let these events around us shape our future so what strategic thinking means is when it comes to your life and you have a vision that you want to move towards and you figured out a where a when and a how inevitably things ain't going to go your way because you're just learning how to do this stuff and how do we respond when things don't go our way this is where human beings are very good at strategic thinking when it comes to work but they are very bad at strategic thinking when it comes to their own lives because at work there's no emotions involved there's no ego involved there's no like usually parents involved right but when it comes to our own lives we can't think about our life strategically because when things don't go away our way we feel bad and then we want to drink or we want to get high or we want to play video games or whatever we don't think about things strategically so what does it mean to think strategically so that's where when you have a vision or a particular direction that you want to go and you've sort of figured out the where when how anytime you have a setback you think about okay how can I move past this right how can I circumvent whatever has just happened and continue moving towards my vision it's about sort of a strategic approach to always moving forward it's not about a goal it's not about achieving a a particular thing although you can let a goal roll in it's no big no big deal but to really think about for any setback you have in life what can I do about this how can I move past that and what we sort of know from the science of Charisma is it's when human beings start to do this that other people around them are like wow look at that person they're attracted to this right because what does this look like from the outside wow that person did not let a setback hold them back this person persevered through success men they are moving relentlessly towards a particular goal it's not a goal it's actually a vision right they're and the when where how means that they're actually doing stuff so this is a huge part of Charisma the next thing that we're going to talk a little bit about is communication style and authenticity and we're going to kind of roll these together even though they're separate factors so the main thing that we can do to boost our Charisma is to be more authentic now what does that mean so if we sort of think about let's say things that are naturally attractive so let's say like there's 's a campfire okay and if you sort of think about a campfire it's very inviting right it's like warm it's cheery it's crackly it looks cool it's like fire bro and it's also like it feels good to like sit next to it right so we're sort of naturally attracted to campfires so how do we have other people be naturally drawn towards us we have to be authentic and why is that it's because when people can't trust us they will not be attracted to us so we currently have a society that is built on distrust so dating profiles are very calculated methods of distrust right you're trying to advertise some of this stuff oh yeah the person never mentioned that they've got kids or they never mentioned that they're actually in jail or like you know there's all kinds of stuff there's so much deception going on in the world today with employees employers with each other with relationships and youall know what I'm talking about because if you've tried to exist in this world you've realized that being authentic is like kind of stupid and you get punished for it and at the same time the more that you can develop that authenticity the more people will be drawn towards you right because they know what they're going to get and the primary concern that so many people have in the world right now is that you can't trust people so if you are one of the people that people can actually trust that's going to be a huge chunk of Charisma and we've already looked at some of the data and there's a lot of data that shows that you know authenticity is very very important now there are a couple of caveats to authenticity because we don't want to be authentically like negative and spewing all that crap right so what we really want to be authentic about is our sense of vision our sense of direction who we aspire to be you can share some negativity there's no problem in that but what we really want you to do is try to be your authentic best self and if there's a chunk of negativity in there that's actually okay because that shows you as being more authentic the problem right now is that a lot of people confuse authenticity of self as verbal diarrhea for for all of my trauma and those are not the same two things I mean sure that's one version of authenticity but that's the kind of authenticity that you should have with a therapist right not people that you met 5 minutes ago on the internet and then the third thing that we're going to focus on is a particular kind of communication style which is the most important part of Charisma now this communication style it's not just that you can do these three or four tips and then you're going to be charismatic there's absolutely pieces of that but this communication style is built on the other two so the next thing about authenticity is if you're trying to figure out what is too authentic what is not authentic I would encourage you to temper your authenticity with compassion so in Asia like East Asia like India China some of these areas that have like Buddhist and Hindu Roots they have this really interesting approach to truthfulness so they say that there's this thing called SATA which is something you should aspire to you should try to be truthful all the time but they say that Satya is subject to aimsa which means nonviolence and so when they're trying to figure out how honest should I be or should I share this or not share this it's not that I'm radically honest and so I'm going to be an to you because this is my authenticity no what they mean is that your truthfulness should be subject to compassion so compassion should be your number one goal and truthfulness should be in service to that so if you're trying to figure out should I share this should I not share this is this part of my authentic being think about letting compassion temper that what will this authenticity due to the people around me and this is where you say well doesn't that mean you're not being authentic because you're starting to hide things no you don't want to fake positive stuff so you want to let stuff out that is absolutely authentic but you want to temper with compassion as much as possible now we're going to get to the third part which is communication style and communication style is absolutely like certain techniques that you can do but these are subject to number one and number two so as you develop a vision as you clarify a Vision as you start implementing a vision as you start practicing authenticity and compassion this is where we get to communication and so what we want to communicate is number one and number two right so you want to share authentic things you want to share what your vision is with people you don't want to brag about it I did this I did this my body's a temple I'm doing this I'm so cool look at me I'm so Alpha but what we really want you to do is clarify your communication and the way that we do this so when people when you ask people you know what is the key aspect of like communication for someone who's charismatic and it's that they're very clear with their communication and there's a very easy technique to develop that which is actually to practice writing so with whatever you end up talking about or communicating with other people write about it first now a lot of people are super surprised by that but I'll give you all a simple example so people will look at me and arguably I'm somewhat charismatic right and let's let's let's use the Dr K test so if you think I'm charismatic great if you don't think I'm charismatic well I don't know so maybe I'll still fail the test and I'll fail these Dimensions so when youall kind of like look at me right what do yall see do you think that I'm authentic do you think I'm transparent do I communicate things in a clear way do I have a vision of what I'm trying to accomplish so as we check those boxes because it's not that I'm like particularly sexy right like I know that some people think that and oh my God Dr K is such a thirst trap I don't think so bro like I'm a 41-year-old dad of two who exercises intermittently I'm not that attractive right got a decent head of hair I'll give you that but at the end of the day these are the qualities that I try to Aspire to right it's having a Clear Vision of what we're doing it's trying to be as authentic as possible with y'all and at the end of the day it's communicating things in a clear way so let's focus on that number three so when I started streaming on Twitch everyone was like oh my God this guy is so good at talking about stuff oh my God he's so brilliant oh my God right and believe me I love it but I'm going to give you all the little hack that I use to pretend to be smart which is that I write about everything before I open my mouth so before I did my first stream on Twitch around the time I did my first stream I was writing a book on video game addiction I was writing a book or I wrote a book about the neuroscience and psychology of Technology it is this 160 page Mammoth tone that is absolute garbage right so everyone's like oh my God Dr K can I read it no it sucks trust me you don't want to read it but what that process of writing when I wrote 160 pages and like 88,000 words it clarified all of my ideas so that when I opened my mouth it made me sound like I was a smart person I'm not actually that smart I just figured this piece out about clear communication and that's why I'm sharing it with you so when it comes to clearly communicating the most important thing that you can do is write out your thoughts you don't have to stick with them you don't have to repeat them or memorize them or anything like that but if you look at the Neuroscience of writing and speaking when we go through the process of verbalization and sort of writing this stuff out this is when we actually clarify our thinking and now the cool thing is when you open your dumb mouth all of the thinking has already been done so that when you start speaking it comes out super clear because most people when they communicate they're thinking at the same time right so just think about this for a second when you're having a conversation and you formulate some kind of response to a question that's the first time you're thinking about it so if it's the first time you're thinking about it how clear do you think it's going to be and this is why most conversations are not filled with brilliant Revelations but if you want to have conversations that are filled with brilliant Revelations start writing about it the simple Act of writing will clarify the thoughts and then when you speak you will sound much much clearer much more competent so I know it sounds kind of crazy but it turns out that physical attractiveness is a small percentage of Charisma accounts for 10.5% of the variance of Charisma and there are other things that are absolutely in your control that you can use to level up your charisma plus three to Charisma baby look at that racial bonus from D and D hell yeah dude make you a strong Paladin make you a strong B it's going to be lit plus three to Charisma baby how do we do this Vision Vision implementation authenticity and communication if you can do these four things all of the literature about the science of Charisma from business to psychology suggest that you will improve your charisma by about 44% right that's the variance of these three categories roughly actually that's not correct but it'll go up quite a bit I'm confident to that and the coolest thing is that this is something that is not based on the jawline that you were born with or the way that your face looks and especially in a world where everyone is trying to survive a single human being who can speak clearly has a vision that they're implementing and is someone that you can trust well wouldn't you be attracted to them so give it a shot and level up your charisma and you will be thanking me for them that's dumb see I didn't think through this yet so now I don't know how to close it because now I sound like an idiot do you all see how different it is when I haven't thought I didn't think through how I was going to end this video and now I sound like a dumbass so maybe that's the best proof I can give you so now go and do it hey y'all if you're interested in applying some of the principles that we share to actually create change in your life check out Dr K's guide to mental health it combines over over two decades of my experience of both being a monk and a psychiatrist and distills all of the most important things I've learned into a Choose Your Own Adventure format so check out the link in the bio and start your journey [Music] today

Channel: HealthyGamerGG

Views: 640,688

Keywords: mental health, drk, dr kanojia, healthygamergg, healthy gamer gg, twitch, psychiatrist, Why Charisma Isn't What You Think It Is, What is Charisma? Vision is not a goal, Strategic thinking, Being authentic, Temper with compassion, charismatic, Vision and vision implementation

Id: 6lzS_om3nU4

Length: 25min 56sec (1556 seconds)

Published: Fri Dec 22 2023