Where my Bengalis at?

[Applause] as long as india has had legendary hospitality foreigners have always showed up to our show to find yourselves i think that's a beautiful part of your journey that you come to india to find yourself it really is a very beautiful thing because indians we go abroad and hope nobody finds us at all including our own families so here are some foreigners that really found themselves in india you have to begin with the man who discovered india a man by the name of vasco well done portuguese explorer took a spanish armada sailed around africa through mumbasa met columbus gave him shitty directions moved on landed in cali cut not to be confused with kolkata that's a different discovery of india if he makes bengalis first any begonias in the audience make some noise bengali is here yeah you know bengalis you're kind of like the indian hipsters you know except hipsters choose poverty but you know you're all thinkers you write poetry all the poetry is about how awesome you are there's no angst bengalis it's not hip-hop they never read like the police bengali said if i was police police would be better i mean like if he met bengalis he just wouldn't have gone back they send another ship find him 40 kilos overweight chain smoking at 2 o'clock in the afternoon are you vasquez i used to be now i'm but the queen wants to see you tell didi to wait what other foreigners found themselves in india mother teresa all right here's what's gonna happen i'm gonna do a mother teresa joke guys i have to guys i don't want to but she's on the list now when i do this joke your entire body is going to seize up instantly you're going to be like this guy and then i need you to just breathe all right just breathe don't laugh yet no pressure just take the joke home with you all right sleep on the joke tomorrow morning you might realize that birds have alternate contacts like the joke's actually harmless are you ready i'm joking mother teresa you can't man it's hard to write a joke about her she's too nice you know she helped like the lepers and the homeless and the needy i guess what i'm trying to say is when it comes to comedy mother teresa is untouchable breathe everybody just breathe just breathe i'm sorry to lay it on you like that just no pressure no pressure if you're not feeling it it's fine just sleep on the joke tomorrow morning you white might wake up like oh he's good who else found themselves in india or the east india company those guys stuck around for a while huh do you know the first thing they traded with india was cinnamon that's what led to 200 years of oppression the one spice we use least in indian cooking tell me you did this for garam masala and i understand you want bhindi you can attack us again i get it i think cinnamon you've been at a dining table somebody's like you have more simon cinnamon that's like me colonizing england for sunlight are you insane see women but the bright side is because we gave you cinnamon we get to feel part of your process you know what i mean at least now you know that muslims in hindus gave you that christmas spirit yeah that came from us guys those things santa claus was whipping they were brown but they weren't reindeer that wasn't rudolf that was rajesh [Applause] did i ruin christmas for anybody else if i had to pick a foreigner for me it would be a man by the name of tom alter do you guys know tom alter young kids yeah he's just the white guy in every bollywood movie like what dave patel is to them tom alder was to us you know he played every role that a white guy could play in a hundred and forty films we gave him a padma shri did you know that that's one of our highest civilian honors it's like our knighthood he's padma shri tom that's like being archduke chitneys but it's still an achievement you know what i mean for a man with a different skin color to cross over into drama and music and movies and he's a white priyanka chopra that's who this guy is all right [Applause] yo priyanka chopra has cracked the west like no indian before you gotta give it up i promise you in 20 years priyanka chopra will get the presidential medal of freedom in the white house it's gonna happen she'll be standing there and all the the jonas sisters and the brothers and the jonai will be behind her they'll be in the oval office and president putin will invite her up tom also bailed me out my grandfather was a padmashree as well and on his 80th birthday the government was getting together to celebrate my dada and i had to change plans and i couldn't host the event anymore and my family was really mad so i called tom alter in the middle of the night and he did it for free i called up my grandparents the next morning he was amazing but he was white he was white see they grew up in a pre-independence india so they couldn't fathom that a white man was working for them so they kept trying to impress him while he was working for them tom called me he's like i love your grandparents and i own your family business now apparently

Channel: Vir Das COMEDY

Views: 385,593

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Id: Wy35A85Rya4

Length: 6min 42sec (402 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 04 2022