When you feel rejected because the narc isn't hoovering

hey everybody its Meredith Miller your coach here for the weekly sauna Q&A mondays today I'm going to answer some of your questions both in Spanish and English so be tuned for these answers and stay tuned for these answers and I just want to make a little announcement - last week I tried out this new format where I did one question one answer per video and the response was like an overwhelming everybody loved that format it's a lot easier so I'm going to continue with this format I am going to do some of the questions in Spanish as well so that I can reach that portion of the people who are tuning in to my channel whose first language is Spanish so I'm going to start with this question this woman said I'm really trying to go no-contact but it's hard I'm a few days in but he doesn't seem bothered that I'm not contacting him which is making me feel rejected and wanting to contact him again is this part of his games to make me feel rejected I'm so confused so oops sorry I'm just clearing that off my screen so yeah um you know and here's the thing right about the no-contact if you set the boundary to go no contact and then you're waiting around for this person to contact you or you're trying to figure out how they're feeling about it first of all I don't know how you're doing that because if you are you're not no contact like are you so connected on social media are you stalking this person on social media odd did you not block them on your phone are you still waiting for that text or that call to come in before you block them you're not actually no contact so let's start with that okay and number two you're setting yourself up for failure with this mentality and let me tell you why I okay that's going to seem a little harsh but this is real okay if you set that boundary of no contact but your intent is just to see how that other person reacts and to hope that they're gonna react back and that they're going to contact you and tell you that they missed you and tell you that you know they've seen the light no they're so sorry for everything that they did and they just want to make you happy and blah blah blah you're setting yourself up for failure because you're gonna work yourself up so much to the point till that person finally contacts you and yes that is their form you know the narcissist when they're you know trying to get your attention through the hoovering and then they're ignoring you that sort of thing that is their form of trying to get you hooked in that game the no contact is endgame the no contact is not a game it's not the silent treatment though it's funny because it's the antidote to those kinds of things like the narcissist uses the silent treatment as a form of punishment they have no intention of fully cutting you off because they need you as a narcissistic supply they just give you the silent treatment so that you want them more so that you let go of the boundaries that you just said that piss them off so that you give them what they want which you didn't do which is what pissed them off so that you stop calling them out and holding them accountable and responsible for their actions which is probably another thing that pissed them off and caused them to go with the silent treatment the no-contact is end game it's over it doesn't mean well I'm just not going to contact him until he contacts me and then I'll get back in contact that's very very dangerous you're setting yourself up for failure because you're setting yourself up to get hooked back in remember statistics say 7 times is the average amount of times that a victim or a survivor will go back to the abusive person 7 times because they're caught in these mind games ok so you got to get real clear with yourself and figure out why you went no contact with this person is it because this person is manipulative and abusive then no contact is endgame it means you're not looking for them to contact you ok because you need to stop caring about what that person wants from you if you're sitting around waiting you're going to make yourself into a prey again into a target for that person they're going to catch you at a weak moment they're going to say that thing that they know that you always wanted to hear them say or that every time they say it it makes you melt and then you want to reach out and get back in contact or just as friends or this sort of thing and you're right back in it before you know it okay that's number one danger the number two danger is that you're wasting your life with this game that you're playing inside your mind you're wasting your life you're wasting your energy you're wasting your attention you're wasting your focus on this person who doesn't give a [ __ ] about you okay you are investing your time and energy and awareness on this person who doesn't care about you wherever you invest your attention and your energy that's what grows in your life okay so you're either growing destructive negative toxic relationships with people or you're growing something positive like following your passion and your life purpose and taking action in that direction and hanging out with people who mutually love and support you and uplift you in life okay so that's the choice you're making and you got to recognize in every moment that your mind wants to go think about him and think why isn't he contacting me why doesn't he miss me um you know he doesn't seem to be bothered which is making me feel rejected if you're still placing your sense of approval on this person you're in trouble because you're going to go back so if you want to go back that's the path to keep going down if you're done with that if you really want to end that game then go full no-contact which means you cut him off across the board not on the phone everything is blocked there's no way he gets through on social media mutual friends all of that is cut off entirely cut off which means even if he's trying to contact you you have no idea and you don't care because you're moving forward and you're focusing and watering the plants that you actually want to grow in your life okay so get really clear about what it is that you want do you want this guy to contact you so that you can go back to him and not feel rejected by him until the next time that he rejects you and the next time that I rejects you and the next time so that you can really really really feel what that rejection is that you can finally move through it maybe right because sometimes we go back for these frying-pan lessons like I've been there I won't lie so many times until I really got it right so maybe you didn't really get it yet in that relationship if you're still holding on that means you haven't accepted the truth of who that person is you haven't accepted that's a manipulative and abusive person that that's a negative person that that's a toxic relationship to have in your life because once you accept that you're done right you don't want to go back you don't want to hear from that person you don't leave anything open so that person can get back in contact with you so if you want to be successful with this I highly recommend that you completely shift your mindset here and that you go fully no-contact and every time your mind goes to him because it will it's on default it's going to go there right every time your mind goes there you want to tell yourself stop cancel cancel cancel or delete delete delete instead I choose to focus my energy attention and awareness on whatever that is maybe you love music maybe you love to play guitar and sing maybe you love to play piano maybe you love to dance maybe you love to create art maybe love to read or write or you want to take some new class and learn something that you've always wanted to learn maybe you just never had enough time for your friends because you're always wasting it on this jerk-off who didn't care about you and you were leaving yourself you know available to the last minute when he finally was going to call up and be available for you you know now you can focus on on those social relationships on your friendships on your family right so what is it that you actually want to grow in your life if you want to feel loved by the people in your life you need to cut off entirely the people who don't love you okay Trent Shelton says if you don't know who he has look him up on Facebook refused chat he's on there too Trent Shelton right he says don't let the hearts who didn't love you keep from though keep you from those who will right don't let those people who didn't love you keep you from the people in your life who do love you or from the people who can enter your life now who will love you who didn't have a place in your life because you were giving all of your attention and awareness and focus to this person or these people who didn't care about you so get a reality check and shift your mind or know that that mentality that you've got right now is going to set you up for failure it's going to set you up to go back into that abusive dynamic so get really clear with yourself and what you want I know it's difficult I know that's really hard to hear but that is the absolute truth and that's what you really need to hear so I'm sending you a very big hug

Channel: Inner Integration

Views: 242,070

Keywords: narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, narcissistic personality disorder, hoovering, narcissist hoovering, psychopath hoovering, why isn't he calling, why isn't she calling, no contact, silent treatment, narcissistic victim, narcissistic abuse recovery, narcissist, npd, narcissistic discard, will the narcissist come back, will the narcissist return, narcissistic supply, narcissist rejected me, narcissist rejection, narcissist rejects you

Id: SIec7zDVRMA

Length: 9min 58sec (598 seconds)

Published: Mon Oct 10 2016