What's your " If I get caught there's no explanation" story? r/AskReddit Reddit Stories | Top Posts

what's your if i get caught there's no explanation story when i was 13 i used to go out to the woods behind the neighborhood get naked and light gasoline on fire my boss left his office door open one time i was working late that night and went into his laptop to see if he had anything juicy he did he had a document with a title something like what is wrong with 99th username it included a handy list of my character flaws if i had gotten caught there would have been absolutely no excuse mayo i'm sorry this is awful and i feel really bad for you but the blunt wonderment he seems to have about how much you suck is also more hilarious than it has a right to be flew on a major airline with a razor blade hidden in my phone case i was meaning to buy one to peel the window tint off of my car but i found one at work in a drawer i didn't have any way to safely carry it so i put it in my phone case behind my phone i about died when i was on the beach and realized what i had done threw it in the trash right away before i forgot again i did the same thing with a credit card knife for reference it's literally a thin knife blade set into plastic the size of a credit card that folds into a knife handle around the blade i thought it was novelty fun and maybe someday helpful when i bought it and put it in wallet anyway i travel via plane and two days later i'm sitting in my hotel room when it dawns on me that i took a blade through airport security when i was a teenager my buddy lived in one of those gated communities with security patrol cars at night we love sneaking around at night and hiding from them ding dong ditching and sht like that once we found one of those cars empty so my ballsy friend went and opened it and stole a radar gun and there really wasn't a reason just for the laws i think he still has it we didn't get caught though oh it was epic teenage stupidity girl invited me over to a small house party i was the only guy score comer and there was drinking new to me so we all got hammered then someone came up with the idea of strip football all i know is i'm drunk as hell all i got left on are my boxers at least one of them girls was in full underwear one was actually topless but jeans on we were all f king living it up in the backyard when her parents came home unexpectedly and i literally ran grabbed my jeans that had my wallet in it and just ran for my life from there sacrificing my shoes and other clothes in the name of stupidity when visiting a friend went straight in to the wrong house in their building people keep their doors open make myself a cup of tea put on the tv and wait on the sofa for them to return someone else comes in says nothing looks at me weird and goes to the bedroom call up my friend to ask when they are coming they are at their house they come and pick me up backstory i once had such bad depression functioning as a person became hard my mom stopped by no not like several of my clothes ppl then brought groceries so i could try and eat better surprise i don't want to cook so i was hungry for a while but she got me mangoes now i love mangoes but only at the correct ripeness so it's hit or miss i sat down on the couch with one so sure it would be bad it was so good it was the first thing i had been happy surprised about in what seemed like forever no way i could have explained i ripped into that mango in the middle of my living room and i mean ripped i'm talking juice going all down my hands down my face huge bites i dky but at one point i crouched down and my cat was just sitting under me licking my hands as i ate i must have looked savage and i am so happy no one walked in to check on me right then that was a super low point and it woke me up a bit but maybe that was just the mango i was getting ready for a new year's eve party and decided i needed to shave but i didn't have any aftershave or shaving cream so i used a little bit of watered down vodka just to make sure everything was fresh but i sort of gave off a vodka smell then i realized i needed to pick up drinks for the party so i went to the liquor store but i got kind of lost in a neighborhood because there were a lot of one-way streets and i kept repeatedly passing a police car hanging out at a corner i realized how suspicious i would look driving around on nice smelling like vodka on my way to the liquor store luckily everything went fine and me and my friends partied in my basement and then uber to a bar i was a strange child and i decided that i would hide in my neighbor's bush in a gilly suit in the pouring rain i just watched a couple of cars drive by and marveled at the fact that the bush kept most of the rain off my head i had a ghillie suit and a fake uniform as a kid and me and my friends used to dress up and run around the neighborhood with lil toy guns good times i cringe every time my notes app that includes argument defenses and scenarios i made up my notes are full of origins easter egg steps and behavioral patterns of my friends on smash bros i got razor burn on the back of my thigh i have horrible eyesight so in order to see where the burns are i have to bring my face physically closer to the back of my thigh cut over to me foot up behind my head as i rub lotion on the back of my thigh sitting in my office chair watching lilo and stitch i think that's one of my favorite parts of david show's drawings of when he was in japanese prison i think he draws the days when he tries to suck his own dck out of boredom oh well it kinda looks more like suck and his own dck is already a pastime for him stealing a truck and driving it home because the owner had agreed to sell it to me but he was out of town and wanted me to move it before it got towed but he had the keys and paperwork it was a short drive but nervous as hell in a very small cop saturated town in a hot wired truck i was in a camp shower stalls not open when an unaccompanied kid about four years old started crawling into my stool from below the door i was telling him to scram but he wasn't listening it was only as in the showers at the time i had no idea where his folks were i scrambled to put my clothes on still soaking wet when it was clear this kid was bent on getting into my stall i rinsed the soap out of my hair with my clothes on and then took the kid by the hand to find his parents had i been caught in the shower with a stranger's child i'd have had a very difficult time explaining it i found his mom frantic about five minutes later i guess the kid was looking for his dad who he heard was in the showers and he thought i was him sophomore year of high school i showed up with nothing in my backpack but whipped cream weed in handcuffs three days in a row if those had happened to be random locker inspection days i don't know what i would have said i had a suv filled with ducks and a couple chickens in a graveyard around midnight me and the other guy happened to have knives on us but that was not related got busted by the cops who threatened to charge us for stealing city property for taking the foul from a nearby park but they let us go we had been waiting there while an accomplice infiltrated the girls dorm the plan was to release them into the dorm me and my friend stole a construction sign and ran down the street with it one of those big girl orange reflective ones you know the ones they designed so you can see them easily yeah one of those oh gosh when i was a dumb kid a friend and i stole a stop sign that was in the middle of where a road used to be but no longer existed he lived just down the street and we had been wandering around in his moped so we put the stop sign in the moped when i was 14 i went with my grandmother two of my aunts and my cousin to georgia my cousin and i got our own room and at nights we would sneak out and go to the pool hot tub go get snacks and sit in the lobby etc often times we wouldn't even get back until one or one thirty am and somehow never woke any of the adults in the room over anyway one night we were out really late like 2 a.m and in the rush of trying to get back to the room we forgot the room key on the lounge chair it was an indoor pool so you only needed a room key to get in but not leave and we didn't realize we had forgotten it until we got back up to the room and couldn't get in anyway my cousin ended up falling asleep in the hallway and i went back down to try to figure out a way to get into the pool to get the room key back by some miracle there was some guy who was in the 24 stroke 7 fitness center working out at 2 30 am and after i knocked on the door and explained my situation he helped me get into the pool area so i could get my key back and i was able to go back to the room carry my cousin to bed and go to bed myself without being caught if any of the adults had found my cousin sleeping on the floor outside the room i don't even know how i would have explained myself going outside in full winter gear bundled up to my eyes in the middle of a hot summer night because i saw my dog sniffing something on the ground and was worried it was a dead animal and wanted to check but i have ocd and i'm fixated on bats and an intense fear of being bitten by a bat so i covered every inch of myself in padded clothing wouldn't be surprised if the neighbors saw me whenever i'm home alone i just start yelling random shtee and going batshit crazy the one time i did end up getting caught was when my parents got home from vacation to see me passed out on the couch and nothing but my underwear and a one gallon tub of ice cream on my head watching step brothers worst part was they walked and during the bathroom scene if you've seen the movie you'll know started using the computer at work for non-work related tasks such as playing games and using websites such as zillow or linkedin boss called me in for a beating with screenshots of the computer i was using told him i got no explanation for him was fired shortly after wasn't too upset about it because i was planning on leaving shortly after anyway probably over 10 years ago on holiday in majorca me and my brother met some kids around our age to hang out with a d we all got on one night we didn't know what to do so we got chairs from the bar lobby and pool area and piled them into an elevator my brother and one kid piled in and the rest of us ran up the floors trying to find them we didn't get caught but the security were rather confused to find the chairs it was definitely a highlight went on vacation with my then boyfriend and a group of friends they booked a hotel room for us turned out it was a room in a long trailer with separate bedrooms and one tiny office area an unbelievably shitty place overall we sat on a bench outside and proceeded to get drunk not expecting anyone would mind looking at how shady the place was i mean it was so shady most of my friends ended up leaving to sleep someplace else anyway shortly after someone from the office showed up and started a huge fight telling us we're low lifes and we should get lost then they left i found that infuriating and i was also getting drunk on metaxa that night which for whatever reason always makes me go batshit insane long story short a couple hours later when everyone else was asleep and the staff was long gone my boyfriend found me by the desk in the office area where i somehow managed to climb through the window meticulously drawing dicks on every page of their logbook he stood outside begging me to leave but i just sat there completely focused refusing to leave until all of their documents are covered in dicks the other day i snapchatted my dog [ __ ] directly into the pooper scooper as i was holding it under her butt sue glad my neighbors didn't see that i have an autistic son who cannot speak one time at a supermarket he broke away from my hand hold ran and climbed into one of those open freezers and laid down on some frozen dog rolls and began rubbing himself there is no particular explanation for that that i'm aware of it wasn't hot or anything as someone on the spectrum the frost that forms on those is textural heaven slightly glassy but is very nice to touch i worked in a frozen department at a grocery store for years tolerating all the bs just by touching the frost i'm a mechanic now and my new texture stem is break rotors if they feel lovely to touch and rub i know you need to replace them some of my friends were getting stoned by this entitled brat keep in mind we were like six or seven at the time one time we dragged the bully to the alley [ __ ] went down there and we held them down while one of us ran over them on their bike there were a few others in the alley but they minded their own business had we got caught we were done for but we didn't we never did this woman i used to babysit forgot picked up for drug trafficking must have been a big hit because i'm visiting a friend next door to her place one day and cops are hauling out pretty much everything she owns now i liked babysitting for this woman she paid me a truckload of money and had all the best snows games kirby's superstar super metroid chrono trigger and i'm watching these cops carry stuff out and one has all her super nintendo games shoved in paper bag i very nearly blurted out hey those are mine i left them here while babysitting i wanted to but i realized i had nothing to back that up and they would know i was basically trying to steal those games in a heartbeat so i didn't do it because there would have been no explanation except maybe a shrug a come on man chrono trigger and the hope one of those cops was as big a gamer as i was i was a weird kid i printed out erotic literature and hid it i took it to the bathroom to read and my mom wanted to know what was taking me so long i ended up ripping it up into tiny pieces over the next 10 minutes and flushing it when i was younger the best source of entertainment for me was making a torch i took a stick zip toilet paper on it and poured something flammable on it the eye would lit it and throw it as hard as i can into the air so when it would come down it would explode and it looked great the only problem was that my dad started to notice circles of burned grass brought a kitchen knife to disney hidden in the liner of my backpack had previously put it in there to cut up fruit and it somehow ended up getting stuck between the inner and outer layers of the bag i never noticed until i was literally in the bag check line at disney panicked for a while but no one noticed it fairly late at night i f drove my brother to a friend's m house now both families were friends all the kids were living at home i don't remember our exact ages but we were old enough to be somewhat independent but young enough to be reasonably expected to follow a certain code of conduct both families are on the strict side about male female interactions not unreasonably strict but like i wouldn't be hanging out with their boys in the middle of the night without my brother the dad is a great guy but he comes across as terrifying and is not someone you want to mess with anyway it started raining on the way over by the time we got there it was raining so hard i couldn't see well enough to drive home so brother and friend told me to come hang out till it let up a bit cool we hang out for a bit rain slows a little i decide to head out so there i am good little church girl stereotype sneaking out of their house at 2am just praying their dad doesn't wake up yes technically i could have explained this and it would have been fine but it did not feel like it at the time close bracket not long ago i was playing dcs world when i was called in by my teacher i thought that since we were still 26 minutes out from the target that we would be fine so i left the game at full volume i answered the question and as soon as i turned off my microphone the radio dcs went crazy as three su-27s were firing at us turns out that they had picked us up on a hugo aircraft that was there and scrambled the fighters how the hell am i supposed to explain a loud alarm target locked on us and a bunch of dudes yelling over a radio that there are a rf ton of missiles headed at flight lead we got lucky they weren't that good and all fired on out flight leader poor dude had i waited a few more seconds there would have been a very confused teacher i can't quite remember the details but i recall stealing a smart car with about 10-12 other dudes at a party we simply picked it up and carried it to my buddy's garage the next morning me and my buddy felt remorseful and told his neighbor luckily nothing was no damage just a few greasy hand prints when i was a senior in high school i was at the river park in town backing up to leave and managed to back right into the ditch i didn't see behind me and got stuck of course a cop had to be driving by at that same time and stopped at the time i had about five ice chests in the bed of my truck stealing ice chests full of beer was an easy way to get drunk when i was a kid well this cop walks up and sees this and asks what i have inside well i didn't have beer in any what i did have was a bunch of cow manure i'd been collecting in one for a school prank i had been planning the cop asked what i had inside i said you probably don't want to know he of course said to tell him so i said cow [ __ ] he didn't believe me so i opened it up and showed him i never did provide an explanation but let's just say he let me go completely ruining a front end loader it was straight vandalism no doubt about it me and my friend and his his friend were hanging and we saw a front end loader and decided to toss dirt cloths at it well friend's friend threw one that had a large rock missed the loader and shattered a window same guy peed into the air filter and put dirt in the windshield wiper fluid i later learned that they had to tow it away when i was 17 my best friend invited his girlfriend and a few friends over forever clear pong one of the set up variations in the game involved a basketball hoop that was suction cup to the wall everclear poured a little too heavy and the friend went to sleep while the basketball hoop ended up suctioning to all of the wrong parts of the gfs body she woke up early and didn't know how to explain any of it the bf without hysteria there was a rumor that there were steam tunnels connecting all the buildings at our campus legends tell of people who got into them but of course these were just stories that are told to freshmen well i found an unlocked door that led into tunnels between buildings not really steam tunnels with just a steam pipe but i found that several buildings were connected and that doors let into basement level office and lab spaces there was all kinds of stuff stored down there like just piles of brass pipe fittings lab equipment and lead blocks used for nuclear shielding late 90s myself and another friend helped move a buddy to his apartment at the big stadium a few hours away after moving everything in we hit the town with a long night of bar hopping and parties it was a one-bedroom apartment so myself and my friend shared the pull-out sleeper sofa after a long night apparently my buddies across the whole neighbor was moving into his apartment across the hall with 10 of his frat friends helping they went to the wrong door which we hadn't locked and all walked in on me and my friend sleeping on the sleeper sofa together i woke up to o man sorry dudes didn't mean to intrude i yelled it's not what it looks like double quote my family went outside i have raging diarrhea i run back to my home at light speed my dad have the keys i can't come in on that desperate moments i've tried using crowbar that i found on garage to break through the door that doesn't work so i climb to second floor and break through from the window phew i had a rash on the back of my thighs but turned out to be a sweat rash in a hole i'd been talking to my doctor about it start of covered soap till ever sits i get out of the shower and i have a message from her asking for a picture of the rash i couldn't quite find an angle that would focus or not include my junk i'm a guy so i end up sitting on the edge of the bed naked facing the door one leg down one leg on the edge of the bed frame leaning back a little taking a picture with my phone of the back of my upper thigh it was a good shot rash in focus no genitals then i see myself in the mirror that hangs on the back of our bedroom door and think oh god i hope my wife doesn't walk in right now she didn't there would be no explaining that one my stepdad had a friend over and i didn't want to talk to them i can be just a little anti-social and i heard them coming downstairs where i was sitting to go out our back door my instinct was to hide and i looked around and the only place i could get without being spotted was the little tiny crawl space so i hid in there with the lights off for several minutes until they were gone my mom told me later that i'm lucky i didn't get caught because she knows for a fact him and his friend went in there to get something that dale maru i can just imagine [Music] so [Music] you

Channel: Reddit Jar

Views: 20,742

Rating: 4.9162931 out of 5

Keywords: reddit, r/AskReddit, ask reddit, askreddit, updoot, toadfilms, sir reddit, reddit jar, askreddit funny, askreddit dumb, reddit ama, reddit ask me anything, r/askreddit, reddit stories, reddit story, askreddit scary, askreddit stupid, scary stories, askreddit new, top posts, reddit top posts, reddit cringe, comedy, askreddit top posts, subreddit, funny reddit, best reddit posts, askreddit stories, best of reddit, reddit best, funny askreddit, storytime with reddit, memes, r/

Id: v8r_YOvSFyY

Length: 23min 59sec (1439 seconds)

Published: Sat Sep 26 2020