What's The Smoothest Comeback Line, You've Ever Used? (r/AskReddit | Reddit Stories)

what is the greatest comeback you have said to someone that left them speechless I went to Catholic High School and had to wear a belt every day as part of the uniform one day I had forgotten the belt and the vice-principal who was a very fat man had caught me he said excuse me young man I can't see your belt I stopped in my tracks and said yeah I can't see yours either I was on the receiving end of five days detention for that one I was at Target once with my then roommate and I was buying some niacin personal grooming one checking out my roommate made sure to say right in front of the female cashier dude why are you buying Naya I responded so you don't get hair in your mouth that shut him up do you know who my father is semicolon no didn't your mother tell you so one Thanksgiving we were eating dinner at my BFS parent's house BFS deadbeat cousin was there and kept going on and on about how the family dog recognized him the moment she smelled him she's blind my bf sweet old grandpa was sitting beside me and leaned over to whisper it's hard to forget watch tea smells like my sister got me good once when I was about 19 my job then was newspaper delivery I went into a room and saw my dog sound asleep on the couch and I went tough life huh all you do is eat sleep and tea semicolon my sister responds from the other room that's all you do - except you have a paper route semicolon I couldn't even think of a response do you have to be overweight to work here why are you looking for a job middle-school peeing at the urinal I was at the corner urinal slightly angle told the wall because why not I was an awkward middle schooler kid walks in what's the matter don't wanna show off your peepee he instantly you're right it would be showing off I was so proud somebody at work said something like I'll sure give you six inches and I immediately responded I don't need to see your dick six times I have great renewable success with I can live with that it fit most things and is usually unexpected when I worked at Starbucks there was someone who spilled a bunch of coffee and was trying to clean it herself my coworker walks up to clean it for real coffee Spiller it's okay I got it I'm a waitress I do this all the time coworker you spill coffee all the time he was trying to make a joke but he just looked at him with a blank expression and walked away nervous dirt yeah underscore first time no I'd be nervous lots of times I played high school football one year and after a scrimmage one of my teammates looked at me and said hey anybody ever told you you suck at football and without thinking I replied nobody that matters he was a bully but to be fair I really did suck at football I was waiting tables out of high school and wasn't very outspoken to strangers I had a table of four dudes pretty loud joking around etc I think myself funny but again this was before I was more outgoing they got the salad bar and after they sat down with the plates from it I asked if they found everything ok one guy says no where are the women at I said without even thinking they saw you coming and ran off the whole table busted up and I got a great tip was in the army a master corporal of mine overheard a sex story I was telling he said your sister doesn't count they said no but yours does he laughed I did drill for an extra when I was working in retail my manager who was a bigger fellow and I used to talk sh t to each other for fun one day he was congratulating himself for being such a good tea talker and he said something like I'm the king of throwing shade I throw a mad shade to which I replied he to cast a wide shadow because I'm ginger and somebody thought they had an easy target for a cheap laugh on the school bus in front of everyone bully oh why you do you have ginger pubis me nah mate did hanging out with friends throwing crap at each other my wife no not my face it's my moneymaker me no wonder were always broke she found it as hilarious as I did I was at the gym about six months ago in this guy I went to high school with approached me he graduated a year ahead of me and opened with snack and squats I stare back at him uncomfortably dot I recognize him but don't remember his name I thought that was you you used to be so weird everyone thought you were so weird dot yeah probably he starts telling a story about casually bullying me the good old days sweet memories act and then finishes it with but you look so great now I have always thought you were beautiful what do you think about me I don't think about you he stared at me and I continued to stare at him until he finally walked away do you realize you always answer a question with a question without even thinking does that bother you hi my name's Jimmy nice to meet you James my name is Richard nice to meet you too dick was having drinks with a friend and an obnoxious guy comes over to say what a big dick he has to which I stone-faced said spit it out it's not yours he made a groaning sound and slithered off laughs all around girl with a tape recorder and microphone outside a strip mall near the new year I I am taking a poll of New Year's resolutions me let's do not talk to strangers as I walked right past her I looked back and she was laughing a co-worker was talking about two lesbian ladies he saw in the subway one of them was beautiful the other one was ugly as FK I understand why the ugly one is with the cute one but what is the point of being with the ugly one what is the cute one doing with the ugly one without even thinking they said well you do have a wife don't you woman at work asked me if her Farida was too shiny I told her on the plus side if you ever get lost in the mountains you can use it to signal aircraft she slapped me but not in a serious way my friend in middle school was kind of a [ __ ] and she was chubby I remember her fighting with a guy and she said I have more friends than you and he goes yeah if you count chicken wings in high school one of my wrestling team mates was bad he only won around 15 matches in his entire high school career he told me and another teammate that he was going to Arizona to wrestle without thinking I responded do they know you're coming was over at a friend's house in junior high and his dad was making jokes about me having a small dick for some reason but I just paid it no mind even though at Bugbee couple hours pass and he comes in the room again and says something like Dixie 745 you find your PIN yet before I could stop myself I blurted out was in your wife's mouth needless to say I was asked to leave that day haha honestly though WTF what he expects him he was an appropriate way before you were apparently he conditions but couldn't take it growing up my mom always made jokes about my intelligence body types are just generally antagonistic and I coped by ignoring it rather than fight back and incur the wrath so I was real proud of myself the day she asked me right before my birthday hey how old are you turning tomorrow me 26 mom Rowe that's old me yeah and what's that make you so not really a comeback per se but one time in middle school I got caught cussing and sent to the office principal does your mom go around cutting across work me no principal so if I call your mom will she say she goes around cussing at work me no principal is your dad go around cutting across work me Yee principal I doubt that if I me you wanna call him I used to work with this guy who would always bring up the fact that his dad walked out on his family there could be two people having a conversation on the other side of the room and he'd hear one of them say the word add and he'd interject with something like must be nice to have a dad I wouldn't know a dad left us when I was six and we haven't seen him since this guy was also just a generally unlikable person and kind of antagonistic towards everyone and everything so he didn't generate much sympathy with these antics one day I told him to do something and we had this exchange you are not my dad if I were your dad I would have walked out on you too I borscht had my way through an HTML course in college our final project was making a website for a company mine was a coffee company and it was perfectly functional but trash it was ugly all the colors clashed it kind of did actually hurts your eyes if you looked at it for too long the text was colored Oh f ked up and nearly blended with the background so you had to really try to read it it was really bad but functionally perfect which was the point so as we were presenting my instructor pointed out every visual flaw she just reamed it she said it was the ugliest sight she had ever graded and I was lucky I wasn't graded on how visually displeasing it was I made an effort to sound professional as I explained my site caters to a younger crowd you are not my target demographic thank you for your input though it was probably as legend as I'll ever be she was probably like 35 - 40 years old or something got a 100% though I was waiting in line at a bar for drinks when this massive jock dude tried to cut in front of me I am 5 feet 7 145 pounds and he was Lester 1/2 foot taller and outweighed me by 80 pounds and I call him out he went off on me calling me a little [ __ ] and a P ssy in my drunken confident states I said to him I'm standing up to a guy twice my size and you're picking a dude half your side who's the real P ssy in this situation he stood just stood there and stared a Gers into me he eventually said that when I leave I better watch my back semicolon edit when I was eight I wanted to drink soda in the morning my dad refused to let me have soda that early so I said you're drinking beer this early he didn't say anything just walked over the fridge and grabbed me a soda xD he was watching a game with his brother which is why he was drinking in the morning backed when I was a smoker I went to a gas station late at night to buy our pack it was late so instead of going inside you had to order at this little walk-up window when the attendant slid my cigs under the slot and I grabbed them the kid behind me goes don't you know smoking can kill you and I said yeah so can talking to strangers friend of mine used to be homophobic he just arrived at a bar and he makes a joke about us not being a date he follows up with you gonna pull out my chair for me I came back instantly with no but I lied pushing your stool the entire group died laughing I have never topped it and it's still an inside joke for the group I worked in a technical writing capacity for a small family-run company the office manager was the owners stepson and was a massive prima donna he loved to belittle the office staff and make life harder for everyone with his condescending attitude and general incompetence he once questioned the phrasing of a passage in a report that I wrote I stuck to my guns in this raised his ire he began to yell and sputter don't you dare question me I have an English degree do you have an English degree do you as I watched his face turn progressive shades of purple I replied sorry Jim after high school they determined that I had sufficient command of the language and that no further study was necessary I thought he was going to stroke out ah elementary school was great for these heard a girl say I'm worth more than you to some kid and he snapped back yes with the same price per pound you are like a lot full-stop best all of us rolling I got my golden moment too at my school there was this short dude called Lars who was always picking fights he said to me once can I call you Kings cogs dry by imitating my dialect and I instantly replied can I call you extra la since you're so f king tiny even his posse laughed and he never bothered me again back in high school friend is in JROTC and is super gung ho for all things military he was known for talking down to people calling them civilians in a distasteful way we ran a few blocks and he noticed I was breathing more heavily than he was in come on man you are running out of breath already what are you gonna do when things go down me when things go down I'm not going to be the one running he just looked at me and had nothing to say it felt like a boss he looking back I understand that getting gassed out from running would translate to getting gassed out while fighting but it still felt like a verbal body slam me and my coworker once him you are just like my liver barely functioning and not doing your job he's an alcoholic me you are just like my appendix very attractive and very gay co-worker of mine came into the room he pointed to some short scruffy facial hair and said what do you think I said dude if you need a beard I'm right here dead silence a full three seconds later he and everyone else who can hear us cracked up laughing once the moment passed I told him that I just couldn't leave a setup like that hanging back to business as usual in a tantrum my six-year son told me I was a bad daddy I immediately deadpanned he was adopted the stunned look on my boy's face is seared in my brain not my proudest parenting moment two fads both in school someone knocks on the door to our class and the teacher frustrated by the interruption mutters not so quietly Jesus Christ and I couldn't help myself and reply sir I don't think it's him health class our teacher is telling us that we should avoid organ meats from the back someone pipes up does that include chicken balls while working behind the counter at Mickey D's customer hey cutie how about you sleep an extra hashbrown in that bag me sure that'll be $1 zero seven my uncle who is loaded and has a passion for stirring sh t was making some comment about my boy and at the time saying that he wasn't ever going to make much money in that he would never be able to bring me places or buy my nice things all of this act me on all sorts of levels but eventually he said something along the lines of don't you want a rich man I just looked at him as calmly as I could and said ma'am I have an older brother when we were younger we'd always do the classic back and forth argument over the dinner table and it had usually end with him saying some iteration of I'm older when you're three years younger there's really no good response to that but when I was twelve or so I did some mental math and figured out with the best comeback ever we argued about something in - my brother said I'm older and without missing a beat I replied it was planned my brother dad and mum were all speechless especially since my brother hadn't yet realised and my parents never told me that fact for your information the calculation was that my brother's birthday is in April and my parents were married in October the previous year it was definitely a shotgun wedding back in high school there was this girl she was incapable of saying anything nice everything out of her mouth was an insult the only nice things she had to say were about dolphins she was crazy into dolphins one day the teacher handed back an exam we did I was top of the class when the teacher shared that news the girl rolled her eyes looked at me and said you're such a pig I held up my exam well I guess this proves pigs are smarter than dolphins first time she'd ever been rendered speechless a druggy on the corner asking for change called me a wh ray when I wouldn't give her any money I turned around and said at least WH res do something for the money they get on the corner when walking through a turnstile this girl stepped right in front of me I was still partially in the turnstile so it was difficult for me to move around her after a second she didn't move and then hit me with the rudest excuse any I have ever heard I paused for a moment and then in a very deadpan tone said are you willing to die for this absolutely shocked she went through the other turnstile that was opened the entire time when I worked in the oil field it wasn't unusual for the crew to go out drinking after a long day shift I happen to drink a little too much and the following day I was paying for it one of the guys asks me how ya doing bud not looking so good as I'm puking out the bus door getting ready to head back to the barn for a crew change I quickly responded him between dry heaving spells I'm feeling about as good as you look his mouth dropped in shock guy was taken back from my usually quiet demeanor he finished with saying did I just get f king roasted by Mexi pirate edit words grammar spelling annoying co-worker asked me what do you even do all day asterisk I wasn't having it not today so I said not wasting other people's time asterisk the office went quiet the president called me and congratulated me on the sweet burn the hottest blonde fell into my lap and we made out the boss let me go home early and gave me a raise everyone cheered as I walked out and then I woke up f ck Wendy asked me why I unlocked my car implying it was so crappy no one would steal it I asked her why she washed her face not me my buddy's wife he said if you don't start having SX more I'm going out and get some strange stuff you

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Id: fImgIhH_X4s

Length: 21min 45sec (1305 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 25 2020