What's The Dirtiest Secret You Will Take To The Grave?

reddit what secret are you taking to the grave nsfw my parents took me to get my hearing checked when i was 12 because i wasn't responding when they called my name i pretended not to hear some of the beeps in the hearing aid test room as a result i wore a hearing aid for two years when i was 12-14 years old i don't know why i did that my freshman year of college i was really hungover one morning and i was back at my parents house for the rest of the weekend i was wearing loose-fitting athletic shorts with no underwear and kind of rocking back and forth in front of the tv to feel that satisfying slap any dude knows what i'm talking about well i went to fart but instead a stream of diarrhea squirted out just at the right moment and completely missed my shorts but got all over the carpet i went to the bathroom to grab some tp and by the time i got back to the living room my dad was on his hands and knees cleaning it up and yelling at my dog i've never had the heart to tell him it was my accident tl doctor i shat the carpet but let my dog take the blame while my dad cleaned it up i worked for a shipping company at a customer desk a guy i had known came in to ship the package he was a known drug dealer in my town he didn't recognize me the package was wrapped in duct tape i took the package brought it out back and made it disappear into my backpack after my shift i opened the package and found 37 890 in cash i never went back to the job and never heard anything about it i left texas a month later with cash in hand power play also that dude probably got murdered my dad cheated on my mum with her sister when i was born my aunt moved in to help my mother with the newborn eye e me my mother told me while she was drunk at a dinner party and started it all off with you know i know i sometimes sound like i hate you but there's a reason so even though i love both of my parents i secretly think they are both pretty awful excuses for human beings my dad for obvious reasons my mother for holding it all against me edit i'm so sorry for the earlier ambiguity colin my mother was the one who told me i have never been allowed to meet my auntie i'd never really knew why until my mother spilled the beans until then i had been offered the excuse that it was because my mother didn't like my auntie's husband turns out my dad is the [ __ ] in gr 10 my dad made a deal with me if i got an average of 88 he'd buy me a new laptop well the marks came in and i only got something like an 84-85 average well fck that i want my laptop so i went online to the regional school board's website and downloaded a pdf template of the report card i don't know why they would have this available used a pdf editor to fill in the blanks and voila got a brand new laptop no regrets p s after i did this i started selling customized fake report cards for fifty dollars each i was giving my cat a belly rub and it just all over my hand colin i was molested and are paired by a teenager multiple times when i was six years old the last day it happened my mom walked in on the act she was furious she yelled she grabbed a gun she dragged the guy out while he pleaded for his life she put him in her car and drove away i never saw him again he was my grandma's neighbor there was no police report there was no trial i asked her where he was and she told me that she took him far away and he wouldn't come back i didn't think anything of it then i hardly knew what had been happening and i eventually blocked it from my mind i have flashes of it from time to time sometimes i wonder what she really did well i certainly hope that my grandma takes the fact that she just caught me emster baiting while we are on a giant family vacation to the grave with her i've never felt so embarrassed edit wow that misplaced modifier still not changing it it looks better that way i once took a week-long trip to london my mother asked me to get her a small rock from there because neither of us have ever been out of the country so i spend the whole trip looking for this rock and finally find the perfect one fantastic she'll love it when i get back so i get home i'm taking inventory of all of my souvenirs and the rock is gone i immediately think back to where i last saw it it was on the bedside table in the hotel in london st so i quickly run outside and find a decent rock i clean it off we live in georgia freaking red clay is noticeable laugh and wrap it nicely i eventually gave it to her with the story i got it from a castle it would break her heart to know that i got it from our backyard i threw rocks at the school with one of my best mates and some other student tattled on us basically we both got the paddle basically they smack your bum and they sent a letter home to my dad my dad received the letter and i lied to him and said i never threw the rocks my dad bless his heart believe me and took it to our school principal and convinced him that i wouldn't lie about such things since the principal wanted to rectify it for my dad's sake he offered me a free voucher for an ice cream as an apology it's 15 years down the track now and i still feel really bad for it i feel like if i told my dad now it would break his heart throw in rocks at school that's a paddling all my friends think they watched me lose my vaginity on my front lawn one fateful summer night when i was 13. we were actually just pretending to have sx in order to fck with my friends we were both too scared to actually do it i've never corrected them i was in kindergarten probably five years old and during sleeping time i asked a girl to show me her penis i had at the time the freakiest buck wild sx of my life with my best friend roommate's sister in the middle of it we heard someone come in thought it was the other roommate nope it was him proceeded to have quieter sx thinking he would leave eventually nope marathon gaming session in the living room had to pull out my car behind the place in the alley climb on my car and help her down from the second story window when i went back home he asked me if his sister had come by because she left her keys in the kitchen i said i didn't know he thinks the other roommate banged her because well he looks like a dude that fcks dude sisters i once put a bottle in my butt to poop into it my dad's a national socialist and ira givery goes to meetings i was raised on germanic folklore and the idea that i'm superior to others because i'm of german decent i have plenty of jewish and slavish friends and i just tell them my dad died when i was younger tl dr my dad's a nazi edit whoa gold because my dad's a nazi that sounds like a sitcom with really poor taste my dad's a nazi when i was 13 i was told that my great-grandparents were going to move to texas and start their journey to heaven i was crushed i would spend every day with them up until they moved in may of 2009 before they moved i took a shoe box and decorated it with a picture of them and angel wings i took my gigi's favorite shirt my pop-ups favorite button up printed their favorite things and stashed them away in the box they would search for the shirt and assume they packed it away one month later my papa passed away then my gg passed a week after him i was crushed i never told anyone but my current boyfriend about the box and most likely never will because i'm selfish i've only opened it up three times in the past six years i swear the shirts still smell like them my sister and i were on holiday together recently and very drunk one night when we got back from the bar naturally we started drinking more because we were on holiday she has the ice cube tray in her hand opens the window simultaneously and loses her focus and drops the tray five floors to the street hitting a big guy square in the dome he looks up and started screaming and shouting in italian i live in rome so i understood he was calling us some bad bad names we just closed the window and continued drinking while we could hear this man shouting he was going to come up there and rip our heads off please never find me emma scary italian man thought this was going somewhere else solid save there dude one night i woke up with my mind in a twist my mom was in the hospital at the time i had a crazy urge to call them and check on her but i reasoned not to because i couldn't think of an excuse so i fell back to sleep 5 a.m i get a call that they checked on her and she didn't have a pulse i just think there was something i could have done that destroys me to even think about it i walked in on my then 15 year old male cousin s surely violating my grandparents female dog it was mortifying and i'll never forget what i saw i was only eight or so at the time and i didn't really know what to do time passed and by the time i had figured out what to do i don't think anyone would have taken my word over his did it at five the husband of my mom's cousin uphead me i remember that night my mom bathing his daughter and i together i was too afraid to sit in the water because it hurts so bad to which the daughter told me don't worry it'll stop hurting once you get in i didn't tell anyone because i didn't want to break that family apart since it was so already fragile 4th grade me after sex said it's probably too late now but i wish i'd said something because looking back his kids were really f ked up it's not too late seriously tell your mom what happened get in contact through facebook or something with his daughter think about this he could have grandchildren he has access to he could be doing this to more kids all the r34 i've drawn over the years did it of course this would be my top comment damn it guys also sorry i don't want to connect my up artistic side to this username colon as in the r34 skyline car or are you talking about rule 34 in fifth grade i cheated on an exam my buddy and i were the only two people in the grade who got this particular question correct but i copied him the worst part was he was considered dumb while i was at the top of the class so the teacher was convinced that he copied me and he ended up getting suspended long story short i was too pss why to admit that i was the one who cheated as my parents would have murdered me if i failed the test and even worse if i got suspended yeah no that's the f ked up part the teachers have no evidence of him cheating as there isn't any they just base it off of sht like this and that's f ked up my mother killed my father when i was eight years old with a shotgun blast to the face he bled out through what was left of his head into my lap blood has a smell a stink and there's enough of it around she got off because it was a self-defense situation she sent me to school the next day and ever since i've pretended that i'm a well-adjusted stable person i'm not go to a doctor i went to counseling for abuse after my parents divorced and i was never abused so they put me in the regular room with all the people there who were waiting for their siblings i claimed my father abused me so i could go to the special room with all the abused kids it was horrible i had no right being in that room with all those people they all were really messed up from what their parents had done to them and i just got in so i could play yugo edit i was probably seven or eight and for what i know my father did not get in trouble i see him every week i didn't know what i was doing back then this sounds like something cartman would do when we were kids a female cousin and i played doctor around the age of six or seven talked about it a few years ago around the age of 25. became deeply intimate and have had really incredible sex several times over the last few years she recently got married and we have since ended our relationship we are both normal successful contributing citizens you'd never know hopefully no one finds out but i miss her and our level of intimacy yo but how was there no f king mikhail's in andre did already me and my wife were going through tough times i just got back from back afghanistan i played russian roulette with my 357 magnum three loaded i lost getting a divorce now and alive you know you were serious about russian roulette or clinically depressed which happens too to the best of us when our lost refers to not getting a bullet in the face hey man i'm glad you're still alive i just want you to know that your brothers don't want you to kill yourself they'll always be there for you anybody in uniform will always be there for you it sucks coming back to a world of tea after you just left a world of shti but please don't play again get the divorce and don't be ashamed to ask for help we are here for you broke into a church door to the children's daycare thing was open then took a tiny kid's chair with the kid still sitting on it the first person i ever fapped to was wander from the fairly odd parents i for me it was a girl who answered the door when i was collecting for the newspaper route i had i still remember that ass from 17 years ago when i was 16 i was in a relationship with a man older than my father i'm getting married soon and he still mopes around and says how much he loves me and will never find someone like me it's annoying but also makes me feel guilty as hell let's see when i f was 14 i had this girl 16 who lived next door to me go down on me while we typed out the whole thing to this guy 17 over aim could never look him in the eye again still don't know if he ever told anyone i have never ever told a soul did it you all keep telling me he told everyone if he did everyone did a damn good job of keeping that a secret from me this was 2007. i think or 2008 note i'm a straight-ish girl for those ming asking also really didn't expect this to be read he told everyone this is something that i have told people in the past but have learned not to tell due to the insane amount of well-intentioned teasing i get because of it i found out i was gay because while in catholic school i did a google search of jesus and found a nude statue of jesus i felt weird ashamed and had the unusual urge to continue the search by searching penis penis led to more graphic things more graphic things led to me questioning my assuality questioning my assuality led to me realizing that i'm gay i'm gay because of jesus everybody that when my ex called me to look at something weird in the toilet it was actually a really early miscarriage and not just really weird period stuff because it would have mentally broken a girl that was already unstable but i'm dying inside i lost my vaginity to a prostitute i was in a circle jerk with two of my closest friends in middle school i don't regret it but i won't tell anybody me and my girlfriend were playing monopoly and she was so concentrated on the game on the dice on her properties she was just so engrossed in the board that i was constantly taking money out of the bank and keeping it i feel terrible about it because she was just so adorable trying to play the game and concentrate on trying to win absolutely annihilated her because i had so much money she wasn't a sore loser about it when we were done playing and it was obvious i had one she just kind of sighed and we watched a movie the whole time i couldn't stop thinking about how absolutely adorable she looked while trying to concentrate and play the way she looked at the money she had and the properties she bought like she was so proud of them and i took advantage of that and stole money to win i learned that from now on winning doesn't matter i need to focus on having fun with her removed it's nothing big it's actually something really small and innocent and i've just decided to tell no one i roll when i was five years old a friend at primary school whose name is jay told me he liked a girl called day and asked me never to tell anyone i never had and i never will almost 30 years and i haven't told anyone over the years i've thought about saying something to someone about it but i've never been able to bring myself to do it just something about the innocence of that promise i guess he wouldn't even care now but five-year-old jay would and i don't want to break my promise to him edit ends heirs don't do too well with compliments but for what it's worth thank you this will get buried but here goes when i was little my grandfather molested me it started when i was about five at least from what i can remember and went on until i was eight the last time it happened my aunt came in the room i don't remember what she said but she grabbed my hand and pulled me out if the room he asked me what was going on and if it happened before i told her no because he always told me i would get in trouble if i told anyone i was never alone in the same room with him again but no one ever talked about it after that and i'm too scared to bring it up i'm 25 now he died three years later at his funeral open casket i spit on his face when no one was looking my mom made me leave the room because i couldn't stop smiling during the service when i was seven or eight i wondered what would happen if i whipped my dick around while peeing so i went into my parents bathroom and waved it everywhere and piss was all over the walls and ceiling a friend had an abortion before her marriage her husband doesn't know it was his kid he swore me to secrecy i will never tell i will never tell he said three people can only keep a secret if one of them is dead wait a minute bacon is always the first food to be cooked by my father in the mornings as a child i would steal myself an extra piece and blame it on my little brother hence i'd get a total of three pieces and browse he would only get one looking back the oldest kid gets away with so much tea a friend of mine confessed that a few years before i met her she got pregnant by a man who didn't want to have anything to do with the baby or her she could not afford to raise the baby herself so she continued with the pregnancy but did not tell anyone at work because she feared that she would be judged for it she scheduled a c-section for friday afternoon took a half day off work and was back on monday the baby was adopted by two of her friends no one at work ever knew what she did she said she was able to cover up her pregnancy by wearing extremely baggy clothes edit to answer some questions i had to google the peggy reference i didn't think she stole the idea from mad men but who knows yes she's a bigger chick so easier to hide weight gain agree the c-section detail sounds sketchy this was a story that was told to me not one that i could personally verify didn't think itd be possible to hide a pregnancy well i'm a little late to the party but here it goes anyways when i was a kid i always hated getting physicals for sports one time i was extremely uncomfortable as i had hit a pubescent agent had become more aware of my body you could say well i'm circumcised and i thought the scar i had was from fapping too much and the doctor would know my remedy put neosporin on it every night when this didn't work i became very distressed we had very slow internet back in the day so it took like half an hour to see one picture of a naked girl so i didn't watch movies i had to google dicks to see if other people had the scar as well seeing dicks never made me so relieved pldr i lost my virginity to our italian foreign exchange student living with us for the past six months she's since gone home no rag rates though i'm a mormon that likes the taste of coffee i've also drunk beer before i stole the cookie from the cookie jar it was me comma yesterday i thought i had problems today my life is grand ucraftsman1459 said it best three years ago where i want to be buried when i was younger i worked landscaping we were doing flowers at a client's house and i needed to take a sh t something fierce like immediately i'm looking at this flower pot and i'm thinking fck it let's do this i go around the side of the house look around and it seems the coast is clear i take a giant steamer for five minutes squatting like a neanderthal over this f king flower pot and question my life when i'm done i'm wondering what the fck to do so i dig a hole in the yard and bury the flower pot thinking i'm done with this f ked up moment in my life i turn around and look up and see the clients husband and wife and their dog standing in the balcony mouth wide open staring at me i start sweating and shaking and mutter something like nice day full stop i leave without telling my boss never go back to the job it still keeps me up at night redacted spoiler last week i f kept my best female friend she celebrated her five-year anniversary with her boyfriend days before pretty much all my friends would hate me if they found out i don't really feel guilty which is weird i had sex with the dog i ate my first cousin's pssy several times when i was 14 but turned out gay the secret formula for the krabby patty ravioli ravioli give me the formulae it failures the secrets i'm taking to my grave are the secrets i'm going to take to my grave growing up until like age 12 i used to put on lipstick and dress as a girl but have always identified as male and very much enjoy women funnily enough my fiance and i are a match made in heaven i'm a guy that's kind of feminine and she is a woman that's kind of masculine i grew up with my mom and sister while she grew up with three brothers and military men it's weird to explain but pretty much every gap in her femininity i fill in every gap in my masculinity she fills as far as gender roles are concerned in our relationship you

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Keywords: reddit, top posts, reddit top posts, reddit cringe, comedy, subreddit, reddit stories, reddit tales, funny reddit, best reddit posts, best of reddit, reddit story, reddit best, funny posts, r/, reddit funny, people of reddit, stories, updoot, reddit jar, planet reddit, storytime, educational, podcast, audio, animated, animated story, cartoon, radio tts, dirtiest secret, secret, reddit secret, to the grave, secret to the grave, dark secret, deep secret

Id: 1FGcX4BgSvw

Length: 26min 9sec (1569 seconds)

Published: Tue Nov 10 2020