What we wish we knew about sex

it's the saints and the angst it's the saints and the aids they're the vibrato if you keep opening our podcasts like that people can see it's the saints indeed it's podcast it's called the saints and they ain't not 30 minutes with the parries how are you i'm doing good how are you doing i didn't ever come back for that because i disagree but i didn't have any language to talk about why i disagree how's your day going uh what's going good i woke up with you and um came here to record podcasts did you ever think that when you got married it would get like old to sleep with the same person in the same bed every day like what did you think that would be like to sleep in the same bed with the same person for the rest of your life well the the first uh the first year we were married i was surprised that you slept with the window open in the winter time i was like she's in her late twenties is she gonna do menopause now already i just did starting with the disrespect i just didn't get it i thought she was trying to kill me so i i thought you know well i still don't understand cause it's april right i came in the house last week from glory and you had the fireplace on that's what i don't understand is that it's our closet open and i didn't know but this is what was freezing this is where the tension is is that the way you define cold is differently than the way i define cold so you think 55 56 deserves a fireplace so no the way it just deserves the way i can find coal is if it's if it's snowing outside it's april the windows it shouldn't be over april but in chicago you used to have the windows open when it was snowing outside notice you didn't even answer my question deflecting that's what i know how to do the best so we're here today we're going to talk about sex but more specifically um some of the i guess messages around sex in marriage or and the messages we don't or should be receiving before marriage is that is that a correct way to say it yeah the the unhealthy expectations i think our society and our culture kind of puts on people entering into marriage making them think that oh my sex life is going to look like this or it has to look like this well if i've done x y z i should expect x y z marriage dude it just doesn't look like that is that your experience i i think it was my experience i think nobody told me that me being a young christian man who was fleeing lust like every woman not named wife was made of flames right there is that is that a poem yeah yeah got it it was a poem uh she just he just busted out with it like it was just like a thing right like that that when i entered into marriage i had this idea that man like my sex life was should and it was going to look like how i how i wanted to look to look like right and it just doesn't work like that yeah i think um i think if anything i think i assumed the same thing because one i didn't hear i heard about sex and sexuality typically in two contexts which is uh sex is to be avoided so that you you know you don't go to hell or you can have sex in marriage and it's gonna be awesome yeah like which is two extremes and so i think i avoided it did all the things i could to be pure quote-unquote and then when i got married and sex came with a bunch of baggage and work that i did not expect it was just deeply discouraging especially because if you don't hear people talking about uh the nuance that sex and marriage can be then you think that you're the only one with the problem absolutely you know what i'm saying like that like that what is uniquely happening between you as a married couple ain't happening to everybody else but it is happening to everybody else they're just not talking about it yeah and what i think we're not trying to do we're not trying to paint the picture like everybody is going to have the same you know testimony entering into marriage but what i am saying is that i think that we should um give people different perspectives and prepare people for what they might experience entering into a marriage so they won't be distraught or highly disappointed when your sex life doesn't look like how you think it should look like immediately okay so for the male species what is the what are some of the most predominant assumptions about sex so that's that's the dream so here's the thing i'd be really wanting to help my brothers you know i'm saying when i see them online because i think uh i think purity culture in a lot of ways has affected a lot of people and uh what is purity culture purity culture is this is well i don't want to i don't want to try to define purity culture and put it in a box so let me do it for you okay yeah so purity culture was a moment in time primarily within evangelical christianity where there was all this messaging and and messaging and books like from joshua harris my kids dating goodbye but basically this messaging around staying pure for marriage and so like they would have like you know purity balls where you go and dance with your dad and and i guess commit to living a pure life and then you get like the purity ring which was a sign of your situation and like when this was happening this is like 90s primarily so that's why i think it was a moment in time because we weren't necessarily christian nor in evangelical culture during that but i think the the problem one of the problems with purity culture is what it was kind of a version of a prosperity gospel which said if you are pure then your marriage is going to be good and your sex life is going to be good out because you obey god all these years and that's just not a thing so go ahead and what i see now uh a lot of the times is i see these i see these reels and i see these videos of dudes on social media um talking about what they wanted to marriage and talking about when they come home what they what they want to expect and like they and i get it like we're not married we it's it's not all the way wrong to fantasize or to dream about the ideal marriage that that um that we want i think the problem comes in and i try to tell a couple of brothers this in person i think the problem comes in is when you speak about a woman that you haven't even met yet a complicated being right a complex individual who probably god is going to connect you with or bring you together with who has our own set of problems have our own trauma has you know what i mean and so like if you automatically think that your wife is just going you know um out the gate you know not come in the the marriage with her own set of problems or you know whatever like you might set yourself up for failure and i think a lot of dudes when they get into marriage they'll be deeply disappointed which because yeah we're complex beings you know what's crazy though is that i think sometimes when people primarily guys when they you know fantasize about the ideal woman i want her to you know rub my feet i want her to have sex with me every time i ask i want you know uh lingerie on thursday nights and friday nights like just just all of this stuff i don't think they also see that there's the potential that the way you imagine sex in marriage is also a function of trauma because because what if these men have dealt with all kinds of rejection from their mother and so you really want a woman that will never reject you that's trauma that's not bible that's why that's why a lot of men watch porn but that's my thing it's like not rejected you think you think that your ideals about sexuality are actually right and biblical when they're actually not yeah so not only is she dealing with her own trauma now she got to deal with yours yeah yeah yeah and i agree and i think i think for me um entering into marriage i just thought man like not only was i entering into marriage in my own set of traumas i had this idea in my head that man god is going to honor me because i honor him with my body and so he's going to let me you know just you know have this wild and crazy sex life i'll jump you know what i'm saying and it was like no like what god showed me uh eventually is that no like i've called you to enter into a marriage with a person um for you to to grow and learn um how to satisfy this person and it's not just about what you want you know what i'm saying uh and and what you need and what you desire uh yeah it's a it's about it's about growing and um uh learning um this person and i think that's i think that's one of the things that i feel like uh the church can do a better job at it's teaching us no this is a a union a marriage where you have your whole life to become comfortable with somebody and that's another thing it's like when we marry someone we don't even know them like that for real for real no right we don't yeah that's it i definitely didn't know you yeah you know what i said and so for somebody to like you ain't even know you hello i did yeah i didn't even know me and so like you you have to yeah i i just feel like sometimes people just just forget that it's a it's a process of learning and growing with one another yeah and i get it i i think it's taken time for me and it's going to continue to take time for me to understand uh the purpose purpose of sex as it exists in a marriage you know because i think especially when uh growing up in this like culture where pornography and pornographic images are so easily accessible it makes sex and sexuality a matter of comfort and convenience rather than um a thing that exists between two people in a covenant relationship so as to bring them closer together and intimate right and so it's not this convenient uh medicine if you will like this is to to mimic the beauty and the intimacy and the long-suffering and patience and eternality of the gospel and god's love for us and so like i think when you have that perspective then you see no like in the same way that i'm giving getting to know your mind getting to know your quirks your personality the same way i need to get to know your body and how your body functions and what it likes and what it doesn't like and that that takes time and i even said on instagram the other day on twitter i was like even the fact that like if we're together 40 50 60 years you will always be changing and maturing you will become a different preston you're not different in the sense of another president but 50 year old president is not going to be 36 year old president right and so i'm actually going to have to change in a way like i'm going to have to like know what you need and what you expect and what you want as a 50 year old i can't keep giving you the same thing that you expect as a 36 year old i don't think that made any sense yeah but no it didn't make sense because because we always are growing because if i could if i can think about myself and just be honest the way i thought about sex was such a narrow-minded empty view of it entering into marriage because i didn't think about how no logic will tell you that the sex life that you want in year one you're probably going to have in year eight or year nine right because i've had the opportunity to to learn what this person wants to to learn what this person you know um desires to learn how to woo this person to learn what triggers this person to learn that this person needs to feel like they have the autonomy to choose at times so what you're saying is is that sex and marriage takes work it does and we don't like that because our culture when our culture does not teach us that work and sex should go hand-in-hand so let me ask you that teaches us that we should get it at the drop of a dime whenever we feel the earth so i know you talk to cause you'll come home and talk to me about it there's a lot of men that you talk to who are married now and one of their primary frustrations in their marriage is that they have to work yeah right like what is when you counsel them what what do you say i i tell them so and one thing i think we should talk about in this podcast is women who have been traumatized and men who um because that's you know i think you kind of gave some some statistics about women you know being traumatized i think it's one in four women i have to confirm that one in four have been sexually abused yeah and so it's a lot uh i you know after you know we got married i started to meet other men who had uh been with women who had been sexually abused and it's kind of like this oh i get it but you know i love her give up the draws trust god yeah obey yes and uh and and so i i had to by the grace of god and i think god and his sovereignty sent me my way for me to to help them and to and to like share my experience with him you know what i'm saying because uh what was your question again i completely forgot so when it comes to the dynamic of having a work for your intimacy that's frustrating for you yeah yeah yeah i i do think it's frustrating because because let's just be honest arousal is a thing and so i think when someone is uh aroused they want it right then and there you know a man when he comes home and he sees his beautiful wife it's like man like i think a lot of times the urge is i want to i want to engage her physically right but i think one thing that god has taught me is that i have to really search for a lot of humility i have to really search for a lot of uh patience and i have to look to him to say man like it's not always about what i want when i want it and the reason why is because uh you are a complex uh nuanced individual and so for for for me to have this expectation that you're going to want to have sex exactly when i want it when you have your own set of trauma that you dealt with before you even met me it's just not a realistic expectation and so what i had to do is i had to um people know that you have experienced you know trauma and you've been abused you know sexually through your testimony whatever and so one of the things that i had to do as a man to say man how can i uh humble myself right and and not always think about my needs when i want them but to make my wife feel like she has the autonomy to choose when we come together which is major it's huge because um when when someone is sexually abused the fundamental thing that was taken from them is their rights absolutely you know like you someone took my body and did with it whatever they pleased right and so when you get in to a marriage where a man feels like he has dominion over your body and you don't have any autonomy or freedom to say yes or no if it i think it makes whatever trauma you have worse and god forbid you start to see your spouse through the lens of your abuser you know what i'm saying and so i think it's huge for a man to be humble enough and for the conversations around the fact that like i need to have the freedom to say no without consequence yeah right because there are some women who will say no not right now and the man you know you had seasons of this where he'll say okay but his whole body is dejected and he got attitude you talk about me because it was me he's not talking no more and it's just like like to know that my no has a consequence doesn't feel like i actually have freedom in saying no i want to say no and still be loved but from the man's perspective and i i think for the men who are listening to this i want to encourage them because i think what it can feel like and this is just from my own experience and talking to other men right it can feel like that no is going to be for the remainder of your marriage but it's like no like i think it feels like an eternal no i think what i think what giving someone who is experienced trauma the autonomy to say no or to say well maybe tuesday right give makes makes out in the in the past even now i i realize that it made you feel more comfortable yeah feel safe it felt safer where it didn't have to be like that all the time yeah like we as we grew together and you and your trust grew for me and your and your love grew for me and the more you was able to disassociate me with the the people who did traumatize you in the past it gets better you know i'm saying and so i think that yeah our society it doesn't paint this picture that work and sex should go hand in hand like we we have sex at the tip of our fingertips you know what i'm saying like porn is instant you know what i'm saying even when he was in the world sometimes being around promiscuous people sex was instant it's like no like god's probably calling you uh to somebody who is going to sanctify you in a way that you never thought that question i could hear somebody listening to this podcast like okay that's doing too much like if if i got to do all that then i'm actually i need to be more picky about the kind of people i'm a date and i'm a marry you know because i can see how that doesn't sound fun or beautiful or good and so why is working for intimacy even a good thing because i don't think it's our job to pick and choose how god chooses to sanctify us okay and what i mean is i think we we as christians we say we want to be sanctified we say we want to you know we want to grow and we want to we want to grow as men of god and we you know but but a lot of times god uses the things that we want the most to be hard to help sanctify us and to grow us like as a man and as a husband i have so much more patience dealing with the things that we've dealt with in our marriage i have so much more uh knowledge and have so much more wisdom to give to other men you know i'm saying who experienced the same type of thing for some like the thing the thing that i realize now is that most of the beautiful things that we experience in this world comes with work yes you know what i'm saying like if if it's hard if god is bringing you through something that's hard we have to believe that on the other side it's beauty yeah i'm saying and so like i love my marriage now and year three yeah i do wow in year three it was tough that's a good thing and you're eight it's it's it's way better better uh and so um yeah like you have a lifetime mm-hmm you know um to to to learn and to grow with somebody and so to to to experience someone experiencing now i'm saying i'm not saying that you know in year one uh your sex life ain't gonna be bomb from from jump because people have their testimony yeah but i just don't want people to have the expectation that it that it's gonna be that way yeah i mean i think there are some couples i know who you know starting off they did not have a problem with their sex life and they had they had problems with their you know uh money or communication but i always knew it was coming it's gonna come one because we got a real devil two because everything else that happens in the marriage affects the bedroom and so if there's a problem with problems with communication it's going to affect the bedroom yeah if there's problems with trust it's going to affect the best problems so when the butterflies go away at the end of the day some going to happen where now we have to work and pray and fight to get to know one another in a way that's uh trying so one of the things that we talked about is men how the unhealthy expectations that men have what are some unhealthy expectations women have you feel like in this in this area or you always just don't have them i'm sure we do i just don't know what they are it might be the same you know the purity culture that's what i'm saying i'm saying i think it's the same in a unique way i don't think the woman has this dominion ethic where you know i'll be able to have sex whenever i want whenever i pursue my wife she's going to respond if anything it may be i will want to have sex all the time and that i will enjoy it when statistically only 65 i think percent of women climax right and so there's a lot of men who yeah when the woman says yes they get their rocks off while the woman is sitting there with her legs still so i think if anything yeah that there are there are a lot of women who had the expectation that they would have consistency in being pleased and they're not and they're fearful of sharing it with their spouse because they don't want him to feel you know rejected and all of that type of stuff so it's like man that's a bummer yeah yeah uh which is a part of the work like to have a better sex life you have to actually text you you have to have a conversation about what's bad so it could be better yeah you know and so stop faking all that noise and just tell this man hey bro it ain't working for us so so it's not working out so have you ever talked to women i'd rather watch stevie who said they fake yeah like really well yeah and some of it is i have to fake it so you can stop wow so let me just like make this noise so you think you're doing something which makes you excited so you can get up off me wow and the sad that's how you know it's bad because he doesn't even he's not even able to read your body language to know the difference between when it's real and when it's fake and that's a problem and that's another thing i think i think we might as well do it to a man i think we need to start having real conversations in churches yeah you know and saying man you probably think bro you you better than what you you think you are yeah and and god forbid like your wife don't want to have sex just because it's it's whack you're bad you're bad at it so like man like i don't i don't think i think that we need to start teaching men to learn how to pay attention to a woman's body yeah like if you're doing something don't try to get creative keep doing that why didn't you shimmy i'm just saying keep doing that same thing you was doing because she seemed like she was liking it you know i'm saying i've had to have conversations with dudes you we know people that you know was like yo can preston can you help and i'm like yo if she learned how to pay attention so hilarious how we're trying to keep this pg i'm just sad well you like there's a lot of read between the lines happening i'm saying if if you know i'm saying like so i i think a lot of men pride in our ego don't want to admit that like no like we have to we have to grow like you can become good if you humble yourself and say you know what i'm not right now yeah and that's that's the i think the beauty of marriage because in the tweet that i made i said that i really dislike the idea of people trying it before they buy it you know feeling like you have to have sex before marriage so that you know what you're getting yourself into when that's literally the antithesis of what marriage is for marriage again is for us to learn one another and so like even if you have experience with sex and sexuality outside of your spouse that doesn't mean that that will actually please your spouse like your spouse is their own person so you have to learn this individual and that takes humility and it takes courage uh but it actually ends up working out in the long run but also bad i like so i say this in our marriage like i i didn't have a lot of room to to be bad at things because you are an extremely honest person yeah and so when you don't like something you're gonna know i'm gonna know you know what i'm saying uh which i kind of feel like you know yeah whatever but thank you for tempering your tongue yeah i see you saw that i did um but can you speak to the women who are afraid to communicate to the husband i don't like this i mean i did just sit them down and share it respectfully and make it a wee conversation because i always think it's it's it's that kind of truth is harder to receive when all of the blame is placed on the individual instead of instead of it being you are bad do this do that say how can we work together to make sure that we are both pleased right so it becomes a team conversation yeah not just like a blame conversation you gotta rub his ego you can't just slap his ego no you can't because that's that's just you know men are very fragile we're all fragile we are but y'all are particularly fragile because you refuse to identify and own that you're fragile so it makes your fragility that much worse actually y'all don't even want to cry in front of people that tells you how fragile you must be but that's another conversation for another day oh whatever so we can't be attacking the dudes like this i'm saying i'm not i'm just trying to help this this sex conversation has to be more common because it's a part of humanity and i hate that the world is always the one leading the way yeah in this conversation when they should not be it really should be the church because we serve the god that created sex yeah and sex is great you know i'm saying uh sex is something that god has given us to enjoy you know and i think uh i hear christians all the time saying um the world shouldn't enjoy sex um you know as much as christians or that world should be the only ones enjoying sex and not christians and i think it's some truth to that but i think the problem comes in when we uh when we don't teach um christians that it has some level of work into it like you have to put some work into it i'm saying it's not going to be this instant gratification all of all of all the times because that is straight up pornography culture yeah that logic is pornographic absolutely you know what i'm saying and uh pornography it's it's it's fake you know upset here we go uh it's not it's not real you know i mean and even when you out in the world and you're being promiscuous you you really you're just having sex with a whole bunch of broken people who don't even know themselves you know what i'm saying if they ever became whole they probably have issues with sex too um and so yeah like when two whole people come together and they're and they're aware of their emotional trauma and they're aware of their their their spiritual sinfulness um yeah you know some issues are are going to come up but as time goes on it gets better i promise yeah we're going to be uh 72 barely making it getting it in but doing it anyway right knocking each other hips out of place ow all right y'all [Music] 30 minutes with the parries is a production of ivy media podcast edited by angie elkins video recording and audio production by ken powell artwork by hop and music by swoop join us on patreon for early access to with the perry's episodes and other exclusives you got two options you can go to www.patreon.com forward slash with the parries or just go ahead scroll you'll find the link in our show notes we are the parries thank y'all for listening now go with god

Channel: With The Perrys

Views: 709,260

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Id: cRO-xMmCc9E

Length: 29min 51sec (1791 seconds)

Published: Thu Aug 18 2022