Hey,
it's Anne Marie with Speak Confident English and I want to start with a
question today. Do you remember the last time that you
had a terrible night and you didn't get any sleep;
the next day at work your colleague says,
"you look terrible." How did that make you feel?
That comment is pretty shocking and surprising and probably the last thing
that you want to hear. Or what about that time that you just
sat down to enjoy dinner and someone says,
"should you really be eating that?" Again,
it's probably not what you want to hear and it definitely didn't make you feel
good. And finally,
have you ever tried to communicate in English?
You're trying to express yourself or deal with a complicated situation like
talking to an accountant in English and the other person starts to get
impatient, frustrated,
and even rude with you in those situations,
what did you do? Did you just panic and say nothing?
Or maybe you're like me and after you walk away from the situation and you
have a little bit of time, you think of the perfect thing that you
should have said, but you didn't have those words in the
moment. In today's lesson,
we're going to talk about what you can say or what you should say when someone
is rude to you in English. Now to make this easy,
we're going to look at four simple strategies that you can use to deal with
rude situations or rude people and the language that you can use as well.
But before we get into those four strategies,
I want to talk specifically about situations when someone is rude to you
because you're trying to express yourself in English and it isn't easy or
it's not happening very quickly. For example,
recently I had a student who was at the DMV or the department of motor vehicles
in the United States. That's where we go to get our driver's
license and pay for our car registration.
No one likes going to the DMV and my student was having a really hard time
communicating and the woman she was talking with got impatient and rude,
and in the end my student felt terrible and you have maybe had a similar
situation. In those moments,
we often feel terrible, discouraged,
and we lose our confidence, but I want you to remember one really
important thing: Learning and using another language is
really challenging and brave. The truth is that other person has
probably never learned another language. They have no idea what it means to
communicate in another language and how hard it can be to find the words that
you really want to say in those situations.
I want to give you the tools that will help you stay calm,
think clearly, keep your confidence and know exactly
what to say. In fact,
those situations are a great opportunity to remind that person that using another
language is pretty difficult and it takes a lot of courage.
In English, we have an expression that we all learn
as children: "If you can't say anything nice,
then don't say anything at all." And I think this is the perfect situation to
remind someone of that important expression,
so the next time you're trying to communicate,
trying to express yourself in English and the other person starts to get a
little impatient or rude. Here are two great things that you can
say. Number one,
"I really appreciate your patience. It's difficult to communicate in another
language." And number two, "thanks for your kindness.
It isn't easy to say what I want in English." With both of those examples,
you're staying in control of the situation and using confident,
assertive language that reminds the other person of that important
expression they learned as a child. If you can't say anything nice,
don't say anything at all. Then when the conversation is over,
you can walk away and forget everything that other person said because the truth
is it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what a stranger thinks
about you. You did the right thing and you can walk
away being a hundred percent sure that what you said was the right thing to say
in English. Now,
in addition to people sometimes being really rude when we're trying to express
ourselves in another language, the reality is there are moments that
happen all the time when our best friend,
our sister, our spouse,
a child, a neighbor or a stranger is rude to us. Sometimes they know that they're being
rude and other times they have no idea. So today I want to focus on four
strategies that you can use to deal with those situations and give you the
language that you need to do it with confidence.
Strategy number one, kill them with kindness.
I love that expression and this is my favorite strategy.
To kill someone with kindness means to be so polite and so nice that their
rudeness becomes really obvious. So how do you kill someone with
kindness? The first part is showing empathy,
recognizing that that person might be having a really bad day and that's why
they're being rude. It really has nothing to do with you.
They're just in a bad place. So here are some things that you can say
in that situation. It seems like you might be having a
really bad day because you don't normally say things like that. If you need anything,
I'm here. I'm not going to take what you just said
personally because you don't normally say things like that.
Maybe you're just having a really bad day and I'll chat with you tomorrow.
In both of those examples, instead of focusing on the negative or
rude comment and taking it personally and getting upset,
you're focusing on the other person. You're being empathetic and caring and
recognizing that maybe they're just having the worst day.
This strategy is particularly helpful with friends,
family members, and even coworkers,
anyone that you would need to have a healthy,
strong relationship with. Now,
if you want more examples of what you could say to kill someone with kindness,
I've got several more for you in the online lesson,
so be sure to check it out after you watched this video.
Strategy number two, educate and enlighten.
The truth is sometimes people say things and they have no idea that it was
disrespectful, rude,
or offensive. So in those moments we can let them know
kindly that what they said really wasn't appropriate or it was just rude,
but we'll do it in a really polite way. For example,
I'm not sure if you realize this, but what you just said was pretty rude
or you know when you say things like that,
it can be really offensive. Those simple statements let the other
person know that what they said really wasn't okay.
If you want more examples of how to kindly and simply educate and enlighten
someone, there are more examples for you in the
online lesson, but let's move on to strategy number
three. Be calm and assertive.
Truthfully, being calm should be your first priority
in all of these strategies and if you need to,
when someone says something really rude, just take a moment.
Take a deep breath, count to 10 so that you can think
clearly about what you want to say and how you want to respond. And then you can use one of these
strategies or use an assertive statement like:
when you say things like that, I don't want to continue this
conversation with you. Or when you interrupt me because I'm
trying to express myself in English, which isn't easy,
I feel really disrespected now if you want to get more in depth about how to
be assertive in English and why it's an important skill to have,
I have a full lesson on that topic and I'll leave a link to that lesson in the
notes just below this video. And of course you'll also find more
examples of how to stay calm and be assertive in the online lesson.
And finally, strategy number four,
shut it down. The truth is sometimes we try to handle
rude situations and rude people with all of these polite strategies and they
don't work. That person continues to be rude and
inappropriate, and at that point we have to be very
direct, clear and shut it down or put a stop to
it. These examples are particularly helpful
when you're communicating with a stranger or someone in a public place.
You want to shut it down and walk away. Number one,
that's really rude and I don't need to listen to it.
Number two, I don't tolerate rude behavior or rude
comments. I'm not going to continue this
conversation. And number three,
I think we need to agree to disagree and end this conversation here.
With any of those examples, you shut down the opportunity for that
rudeness to continue and the most important thing after you say it,
is to calmly and confidently walk away knowing that you've done the right
thing. Now,
as always, the best way to immediately learn how to
use this language and feel comfortable with it is to practice,
and I do have some challenge questions for you today,
but before I share those challenge questions,
if you found this lesson helpful to you, I would love to know,
and there are three really great ways that you can tell me. Number one,
give this video a thumbs up on YouTube and subscribe to this channel so you
never miss a future. Lesson.
Number two, share it with friends and colleagues on
Facebook. Maybe you have someone that you work
with that also needs a little bit of help with how to deal with situations in
English. And finally be sure to share your
comments and questions with me. You can do that in the comment section
at the end of the online lesson. So let's get to those challenge
questions. Using the strategies and the language
that you've learned today, what would you say when a colleague sits
down next to you at lunch and says, should you really be eating that?
Situation number two, you just got a new haircut and you're
kind of nervous about it because it's really different and then your best
friend sees you and she says, oh my God,
I hope you didn't have to pay for that haircut. It's terrible.
What would you say? And finally number three,
you're trying to organize some kind of team building event at work and you want
to make everyone happy. You want to make sure it's really fun,
but you have a colleague who comes to you and says,
why are you making such a big deal about this?
You're always so dramatic and fussy about everything.
Take some time to review the strategies and the language that you've learned
today and tell me how you would respond in each of those situations.
You can do that again at the end of the online lesson.
It's the best place to share with me, get feedback and learn from others in
the Confident English community. With that,
thank you so much for joining me this week and I'll see you next time for your
confident English lesson.
