Hey,
it's Anne Marie with Speak Confident English and welcome to the very first
Confident English lesson of 2019! To help you get started on the right
track with your English at the beginning of the year when I know you have a lot
of motivation and energy-maybe you've committed to really changing your
English this year-we're going to talk about how to be assertive in English and
here's why it's such a fantastic skill for you to have an English.
Did you know that when you are assertive,
it can help you to manage stress and negative emotions,
deal with uncomfortable situations and conversations and effectively
communicate or express yourself? Plus,
if you feel overwhelmed and you have too many responsibilities because you feel
really bad saying no to someone, you're not sure how to say no in English
politely or you're just nervous about how to ask for what you really want,
again, being assertive in English will help you
do all of that. And that sounds pretty amazing.
Now, the truth is,
being assertive isn't easy for everyone. Some people are naturally more assertive
than others. Some of us like me,
have a harder time being assertive. Again.
We might feel bad about asking for what we want,
saying no to someone or we just feel really uncomfortable when there's a
stressful discussion or someone disagrees with us,
but the good news is being assertive is a skill that you can learn and it gets
easier as you practice. That's exactly what we're going to focus
on in today's lesson. To get started,
we're going to talk about what it means to be assertive and then I'll share with
you five strategies that you can use to communicate in a polite but assertive
way and do it with confidence. When you use these strategies,
they will help you in situations like saying no to a client that wants to have
a late meeting, which means you'd miss a concert at your
child's school or it will help you to ask for what you really need or want
from a colleague at work, without feeling bad about it.
You'll be able to manage stress at work and say no to additional
responsibilities by creating clear boundaries and finally,
it will help you to deal with negative situations where someone disagrees with
you or there's a lot of tension in the conversation and still express yourself
effectively at each step in this lesson with the strategies I share with you.
I'll also provide examples and the language that native speakers use so
that you can use it as well. So what does it mean to be assertive?
Being assertive is the ability to communicate in a confident and calm way,
even intense or difficult situations. When someone else might be pushy or rude
or aggressive at work, it means you're able to respond in a
respectful, calm way without any aggression,
without negative emotion and without having to apologize.
And finally it means being able to say no,
to speak directly and clearly about what you want or what your limits are without
sounding angry or aggressive and again, without feeling badly or having to
apologize. All of that is essential for clear,
confident communication. In previous Confident English lessons.
I've talked a lot about being polite and being diplomatic,
how to use modals to soften language and that is an essential skill to have.
Native English speakers love being diplomatic and using softer language.
But the truth is sometimes we have to be more direct and clear,
but we still want to be polite, so let's look at five strategies that
will help you do that in English. Strategy number one for how to be more
assertive in English is to use statements that start with 'I' such as I
want, I believe,
or I need, for example,
this sentence: I need that report by 5:00
PM or I'm certain that I'm the best choice for this position.
The second strategy is to avoid words that undervalue or remove importance
from what you're saying. Let me show you what I mean about words
to avoid. If I need to talk to a colleague about
something important, I could send an email or say something
like, I just want to talk to you about.
Or I could remove the word just and be more assertive by saying something like,
I need to talk to you today. When would be a good time?
Using the word just undervalues or undermines what we're saying?
It tells people that what we want to say isn't really important,
so when we remove it, our language is much clearer.
It's more direct and more assertive. Here's another example.
Let's imagine that a friend of mine borrowed a suitcase from me about a year
ago and I really want it back because I'm going on vacation.
So I could again send an email or say something like,
I'm so sorry to bother you, but could I have my suitcase back?
That is a super polite way to ask for something we want,
but it's also passive and indirect. Using the word sorry in that way again
removes the importance of what we're saying.
If we want to be more effective, more direct about what we want,
we need to remove the word sorry, and instead we could say something like:
I need that suitcase back. When can I pick it up?
It's still polite, but it's very direct and focused.
In English, we have several words that we can easily
remove to make our language more assertive and sound more confident.
In the online lesson, I've given you more examples of words
that you can avoid and what you should say instead.
Strategy number three might surprise you.
Avoid modal verbs such as could, should,
might and would. Now,
I'll be honest, I love modal verbs.
Native speakers use them all the time. They help us soften the language,
be more diplomatic and they're certainly polite,
but when we need to be assertive, when we need to be direct and clear
about what we need or what we want, it's better to avoid those modal verbs. Instead,
we can use a word like will or simply use words such as I need,
I want and here's an example. Instead of asking someone,
would it be possible for you to get that report to me by the end of the day?
You could say: will you get that report to me by the
end of the day or when will you get that report to me?
Just that little change is much more direct and efficient when it's something
that's very important to you and that you really need or want.
Strategy number four is use statements with when and I feel to explain how
someone else's decisions or actions affect you.
Maybe there's a negative situation going on at work.
A colleague is always late or someone always interrupts you when you're
speaking and you want that to stop. The best way to express that is to use
when with I feel. Here's an example,
when you interrupt me in business meetings,
I feel disrespected and that my opinion doesn't matter,
or when you come late to work several days in a row,
I feel that you're not taking your job seriously.
Using those when plus I feel statements removes the negativity. It removes any anger or frustration from
what you're saying, but you're very clear and still polite
about the situation and what needs to change.
Strategy number five is to create clear boundaries.
What that means is to be direct about what you can or can't do or what you
will or won't do, and it means you don't have to apologize
for it. Here's an example.
I can meet with you Wednesday morning, but Thursday won't work this week.
In that statement, it's very clear about what I'm able to
do and what I'm not able to do. I don't apologize and I don't give
unnecessary details. It's polite and it's very clear about
what's possible. This strategy is particularly helpful
when you're working with someone who might be pushy,
rude or aggressive, and you need to say no or set some clear
limits. This is the best way to do it. So now that we have those five
strategies, let's put them all together in three
clear examples. In situation number one,
I could say to a friend, I'm so sorry to bother you,
but I think I might need my suitcase back that I loaned you last year because
I'm going on vacation next week. Yes,
that's a polite way to request my suitcase back,
but it's also really passive and indirect and I'm using that word sorry,
which removes the importance of what I'm saying.
In fact, the word sorry should only be used when
we're really apologizing for something, but the problem is in this situation,
the friend has had my suitcase for more than a year.
I've already asked for it three times, so now I need to be direct and clear.
A better way to do that is to say, I'll be on vacation next week and I need
my suitcase back. When can I pick it up?
That example is much clearer. It's more assertive,
but it's still polite. In situation number two,
you would like a day off to attend a training for work and you've asked your
boss about this several times, but you haven't heard anything and this
is the last week that you can register for this training so you could say
something to your boss like: I guess what I'm saying is I was hoping
I might be able to go to this training on Friday,
but I would need the day off. Again,
perfectly polite, but in this example,
we want to be more direct and assertive. You want to ask for exactly what you
want and show how important it is. So we're going to avoid some of those
modals and we're going to use much more direct language.
So instead we could say, I want the day off on Friday to attend
this work related training that will help me to be a better team leader. I have to register by Friday this week,
when would be a good time for you and I to talk about it?
Perfectly polite and it's very clear about what you need and how important it
is. And finally,
number three, we're focused on a situation where there
might be some aggression or frustration because a colleague has asked you to
work late because of a mistake they made so you could respond to your colleague
by saying something like, I can't believe you're asking me to stay
and work with you when it's your fault the project is late.
Now I'm going to miss my daughter's concert at school!
Yes, you could say that.
But honestly, being aggressive is never a good idea.
It doesn't help anyone and it doesn't solve any problems.
It just makes everyone feel angrier. So instead we can use these strategies
of how to be more assertive and to set clear boundaries or say no without
apologizing or feeling bad about it. So instead of that more aggressive
reaction, you could simply say something like,
I can help you for 30 minutes and then I have to go because my daughter has a
concert at school. Clear,
simple, still polite,
and there's no aggression or anger. And now you have five useful strategies
that you can use to be more assertive in English so that you can say no when you
need to, without apologizing or feeling bad.
You can manage stressful and difficult conversations more easily and you can
express what's important to you or what you really want.
As always, I do have some challenge questions for
you so that you can immediately practice what you've learned in this lesson
today. But before I share those questions,
if you found this lesson useful to you, I would love to know,
and there are three helpful ways that you can do that. You can give this video a thumbs up on
Youtube and subscribe to this channel so you never miss a lesson.
Share it with friends and colleagues on Facebook and share your comments and
answers to my questions in the comments section below the video.
So here's your turn to practice. I've got two situations for you and I
want you to respond using these strategies in an assertive way in
English, in situation number one,
you've been doing extra work and working longer hours for a month to help a
disorganized colleague, and now it's really time to stop doing
that extra work. You need to focus on your own projects
and your own deadlines. So you need to tell your colleague in an
assertive way that you're no longer able to help and work those extra hours.
How could you use some of the strategies that you've learned today to do that in
a clear but still polite way. And then in situation number two,
you let one of your borrow a book of yours 12 months ago and you really want
this book back. In fact,
you've asked for it several times over the last year.
Now it's time to be more assertive and clear about your want to get that book
back. So again,
how can you use these strategies to help you do that?
The best way for you to share with me, get feedback and learn from others in
the Confident English community is to include your answers in the comments
section at the end of the lesson, and with that,
thank you so much for joining me today. I know that this week's lesson was a
little bit longer than usual, but I believe that being assertive in
English is an essential skill for clear, effective communication,
and I want you to be able to do that in English.
Again, being assertive isn't easy for everyone.
It doesn't come naturally, but it's a skill that you can learn and
these strategies will help you do that. Have a fantastic week and I look forward
to seeing you next time for your Confident English lesson.
