Hey, it's Annemarie with
Speak Confident English. This is exactly where you want to be
every week to get the confidence you want for your life and work
in English. Back in 2016, more than four years ago, I received
an email from one of my students. She was feeling frustrated and discouraged
because that day one of her coworkers said you don't sound
very friendly in English. That comment was shocking
to my student because she felt that she was always polite, kind, and friendly in English,
especially at work. In her email, she said that she was desperate to
understand what she was doing wrong and how she could change it. At that time, I immediately created lessons to help
my student so that we could understand what was going on, what was happening
in the language she was using at work. And what is the difference
in English between direct, assertive or aggressive
language and indirect, soft or diplomatic
language. In some languages, these differences in politeness
or formality are easier to recognize and use. You might have an informal and
formal version of the word you making it easier to distinguish the
level of formality and politeness. Some languages also use different
word endings. Unfortunately, English isn't so clear cut, but we do have a number of strategies
we can use different changes we can make to our language, to soften it,
make it kind polite and formal. Since I received that first
email in January, 2016, I've continued to get emails from
students and requests here on YouTube with questions like how can I
be more polite in difficult conversations? How can I show that I'm friendly and
interested in other people in English? My coworker said that I sound
aggressive when I speak, what can I do? In this video today I'm updating a
lesson that I originally did in 2016 Now, before I get started
with today's lesson, there are two things I want
you to know. Number one, there are times when it is perfectly
appropriate and even necessary to be more assertive or direct in English. And it's possible to be
assertive or direct and still be polite. I have a full lesson on this topic of how
to be assertive and polite in English. I'll share a link to that lesson
in the notes below this video. The second thing I want you to
remember is that language is flexible. We change our language depending on
the situation who we're talking to, and maybe even how we're feeling that day. Also some of us are naturally
more direct or indirect. All of that is okay. My goal in this lesson today is to give
you strategies that allow you to be flexible in English. What that means is you can choose what
you want to say in English and how you want to say it to best
express yourself with that. Let's go ahead and get started with
our first of four strategies for kind polite English strategy.
Number one is use modals. Modals are words like could,
should, might and would. It seems surprising and simple, but using modals can change a direct
order or an aggressive question into a polite request, modals soften our language and they
increase the level of formality or politeness. If your native language has formal
and informal versions of the word you, making those changes between those
words is a clear signal of formality and politeness changing a
sentence or a question. Using modals does the same thing. If I'm at a coffee shop with my
husband, my sister, or my best friend, I might say order me a latte.
It's a clear, direct order. It's not necessarily rude, but I don't need to be so polite or
formal with my husband or my sister. But let's imagine that
I've started a new job. And I go out for coffee with my new
coworkers who I don't know very well in that situation. I might
not want to be so casual. I don't want to give a direct
order. It's too familiar. Instead, I might want to increase the level of
formality and politeness by using a modal and asking, would you
get me a coffee, please? That little change between order
me a coffee and would you order me a coffee please immediately softens
language and makes it more polite. Let's go over one more example
that's very common at work. Those situations when you're waiting
for a coworker to send you some information, you could send an
email to your coworker that says, send me the documents by the end
of the day. Just like that example, order me a coffee. If someone
says, send me those documents by the end of the day, it is
clear, concise, and direct, and that isn't necessarily
wrong or inappropriate. There are definitely times
when we need to be direct. If you're a supervisor and you've already
asked for these documents three times today, then it's perfectly appropriate to be
more assertive and direct in your request. But if you want to change that
order into a polite request, we can add a modal could. Could you send me those documents by the end
of the day? Before I go onto strategy. number two, if you want
more examples like this, of how to use modals to
soften your language. I have those available for you in the
online lesson at my Speak Confident English website. You can get a link
to that lesson just below this video. Now let's move on to strategy. Number
two for kind polite language in English. And this one is change your grammar, just like using a modal, a simple change of your grammar tense can
have an immediate impact on how direct or indirect your languages in English. The present simple tense
can sometimes sound direct. So to be more indirect, we'll change the grammar
into the progressive form, the ING form or the
past tense. We do this, especially with words like
hope, feel, think, want, and wonder. Let me give you a couple of examples
in an email or telephone conversation I could ask my colleague, do
you have time to meet tomorrow? That question is perfectly appropriate. If I want my message to
be very direct and clear, or if it's a casual situation, maybe this is someone I'm very comfortable
with and it's okay to be less formal with my language. But if I want to increase
that level of formality, if I want to show an extra
layer of politeness or be more indirect, then I can use either the
progressive form or the past tense. And I can add one of
those words, like wonder, I was wondering if you
had time to meet today. I wondered if you had time to meet today. That shift from the present simple
into the past or progressive form immediately changes that
level of politeness and formality. Another situation where I might use
this more polite form is if I know my coworker is particularly busy, maybe she has a deadline
at the end of the day. And I know that she does
not have a lot of time. Then I might ask in a more polite, indirect way because I know
my request is going to add one more thing to her to do list. The second example is one I often use, when I'm meeting people
for the very first time, let's say that you are attending
an international conference. You meet someone and have a fantastic
conversation about the presentation you just saw, but you didn't quite
catch the person's name before you finish that conversation.
You could say something like, what's your name again? Or you could increase the level of
politeness and formality by saying, what did you say your name
was? What's your name again? What did you say your
name was? Once again, that little change in grammar tense has
an immediate impact on that level of formality and politeness strategy. Number three for kind polite
language in English is to use vague language. Vague means not too specific
or too direct to do this. We use little expressions,
like a little, a bit, not quite kind of around and slightly. For example, if someone misunderstands me in a
conversation I could respond with, that's not what I said. That
is a clear, direct response. And again, perfectly appropriate. In some situations I would
definitely use that response. If I'm chatting with someone I know
very well and feel comfortable with, but if I want to increase that
level of politeness and formality, I would change my response
to that's not quite what I said. That's not what I said. That's not quite what I said. That little change has an immediate
impact on that politeness and formality. Another example, let's say that you're partnering
with a marketing agency. Maybe your company is
updating your brand and logo. This marketing agency brings
you their very first draft. And as you're reviewing it, you
think this is not what I want, or this is not what I was thinking. Again, you could respond with that
and be very direct or clear, or you can soften it by saying
that's not exactly what I had in mind before I move on to
our final strategy today, if you want more examples of how
to use that qualifying language with words like a bit kind of, and so on, I have many more examples for you
available in my online lesson. Again, I'll leave a link to that lesson
below this video in the notes, and now strategy number four for a
kind polite language in English is to use negative questions that might be counterintuitive, but using a negative question is
a great way to be more diplomatic. When you're giving advice,
offering a suggestion, making a recommendation or
expressing your opinion. Let me give you two quick examples. If you're in a team meeting discussing
the final draft of a product, you could say, we need to review these documents
one more time with direct, clear, assertive language. Or you could say, don't you think we should review
these documents one more time? In that second example, I'm
shifting a negative question. Don't you think we need
to review these again? Don't you think we should
review these again? Do you notice I'm also using
a modal should both of these responses are perfectly appropriate.
There is a time and a place for both, but this second example allows you to
soften your language and be a bit more diplomatic. In the second example, let's say that you and your team are
trying to solve a budgeting problem, and you have a possible
solution. You could say, we need to cut our marketing budget
or shouldn't we cut our marketing budget. Instead of being
a direct, clear order, we need to cut the marketing budget. It becomes a polite
suggestion or recommendation, like everything we've talked about today, both of those responses can be perfectly
appropriate depending on the situation you're in and how you want to
express yourself. Like I said, at the beginning of the video today, I want to help you be more flexible in
the language to help you have options and the ability to choose what you
want to say and how you want to say it, depending on the situation
you're in. Before we finish today, I have two challenge questions for you. I want you to immediately try to practice
some of what you've learned today. Challenge question. Number one is you have a meeting
scheduled with your boss tomorrow, but something came up and you need to
request changing the time of that meeting. How would you do that in an
email or a telephone call? What language could you use from
today's lesson for a polite formal request challenge? Number two is you're in a meeting with
a potential new client during your conversation. This potential client says something
that you didn't quite understand, and you want them to repeat it. So
how would you ask that in a formal, polite way? You can share your answers with me in the
comment section below and while you're there, I recommend reading the
comments or answers from
others in the Confident English community. It's a great way for you to see how
many options are available when we use these different strategies for
polite kind language in English. With that. If you found this lesson
useful to you, I would love to know. And you can tell me by giving this
video a thumbs up here on YouTube and subscribing to this channel. So you never miss one of my
Confident English lessons. If you have a friend or colleague who
would also love help with more formal, polite language in English, you can share this lesson with them by
sharing it on Facebook or sending it directly by email. Thank you
so much for joining me today. And I look forward to seeing you next
time for your Confident English lesson.
