5 Moves To Make When Ex Contacts You

this is coach lee and i'm going to talk to you about when to make a move based on what your ex does so this has been a very popular question in the comments or people email me or they have a coaching call with coach ken or coach rex and they ask these things and a lot of it's covered in the emergency breakup kit but i thought i'd give you a little bit here in a video so do you make a move when they contact you the answer is yes but it's a certain kind of move and through each of these points i'm going to give you five and a bonus i'm going to tell you what kind of move to make because you don't just jump 100 based on everything based on every move so even when you see your ex coming towards you making some of that effort that demonstrates they want to get back together it doesn't mean that you respond to all of them the same so the first one is when they contact you yes you do need to do something as you know if you've seen many of my videos i do not suggest that you ignore your ex when they reach out because usually that will blow up in your face and coaches who suggest that as best i can tell just don't have enough experience to tell you otherwise because when you ignore someone who reaches out to you first of all it's rude second of all a good percentage of them will think it's pointless to try to contact you because you do not want to talk to them you're ignoring them who wants that rejection people don't want that rejection men don't women don't so if your ex is one of those i suggest you don't ignore them when they reach out and that's your move not ignoring them i'm not saying that you lay the red carpet out and that you get emotional or that you tell them how terrible you've been without them and how glad you are to hear from them but a casual polite response like a mature adult it also shows that you're not angry that you have such a wonderful life that you're not an angry person it will help you going forward if they feel like they can contact you because that means if they're ready to get back together rather than think that you're going to pout or be mad or ignore them they at least know they can tell you and that is how you actually get back together more on that in a minute number two when your ex apologizes now a lot of people say what do i do when they apologize if they say i'm sorry for the breakup it was a mistake what do i say back first of all you need to be careful here because this can be your ex baiting you to really assure them that you have not gotten too far away what i'm saying is that your ex could apologize for the breakup but not be fully there yet in terms of ready and wanting to get back together with you they could be in this stage beforehand which is more of a curiosity stage and i do talk about stages your ex goes through one of my other videos called stages your ex goes through during no contact and i talk about the curiosity stage it is the most vulnerable stage for you because you can misinterpret things that's why it's so good to be casual and polite and reserved but when they apologize what they're wanting to hear if they're not interested to get back together with you just yet if they're not sure they want you to say it's okay i'm still here waiting and i'm going to still be here waiting they're wanting you to take away the consequences and we live in a world where nobody wants consequences we want to be able to do anything at all and only get the good and have none of the bad and one of the most important things in social dynamics is teaching people that you will not spare them of the negative consequences if they mistreat you that doesn't mean that you mistreat them or try to get revenge but it does show that you will reach a point where you have had enough and you will back away you will be reserved and unsure if you want to interact with them in the future it's really very simple and it's one of the most mature things you can do that's why i talk about giving someone the breakup when they want to break up with you one of the most mature things you can do is give them what they want if that's what they think they want it would be attempting to control them to try to do otherwise that doesn't mean that you don't say that you disagree or that you do want the relationship and you think this is a mistake but you do not fight and you do surrender to give them over to themselves and you have to do that with a lot of things in life and you have to do it with a breakup so when your ex apologizes keep that in mind you are giving them what they want which is the breakup and right now what they're saying is by apologizing is that they regret the breakup in some way now one way is that they think that you might be too far away and they're wanting you to tell them that you're not so they regret that maybe you got too far away and they don't want to have to think about that right now or deal with potential consequences and so they're wanting you to fix that for them but remember you're giving them the breakup and so your job is not to take away the consequences as a matter of fact your job is to give them the consequences and so when they apologize rather than making it clear that they could get you back whenever they want to and that you will be waiting indefinitely forever in backup plan mode what you do is in a very cool twist you give them what they want while also yanking the carpet out from under them and what i mean by that is is that you alleviate them of any concern that they've done lasting damage to you sure it hurt but you will move on you will be fine you will live forward so don't you worry much about it that needs to be your attitude and so in a way you're giving them what they want but in another way you are making them sit on the consequences of what they have done so when they reach out and apologize you say i appreciate your apology or just simply say i appreciate that but don't worry i'm good hope you are as well just like that really simple i appreciate that but don't worry i'm good i hope you are as well beautiful in its simplicity and it does exactly what you need it does not alleviate their curiosity but it gives them what they say they want which is forgiveness they still get the breakup but they don't have to worry that they've hurt you and at first this seems counterintuitive a lot of people want their ex to know that they're hurting and i understand but your ex needs to have to sit with the concept that you are over them that you are potentially over them i mean it's all a big mystery because of the way that you responded and so they have to think that they are not so super attractive and sexy that you can't walk on move on and live on they need to have to wrangle with that one in their head and that's what happens when you give them that response when they apologize so that's your move when your ex apologizes before i get to the third move take a quick second and subscribe to my channel so you can be notified when i have more videos like this number three your ex tries to kiss you so this one is going to take a little work on your part because you need to try to determine what situation you're in because if your ex has said i want to get back together if they have just laid it all out on the table and actually asked you and you two have agreed on that then of course kiss them all you want have at it but if they have just asked to meet up if you two have just been talking and they haven't actually said those things then you handle it a little bit differently this is a good way that you can handle it when they lean in to kiss you go ahead accept their kiss and kiss them back but keep it a short kiss three seconds or so then lean back and smile try to make this lighthearted don't make this a hard cold rejection where you're gonna show them because that will blow up in your face most likely it will make them mad it can cause some big friction they can even think i'm glad i got away from this person because it's cold it hurts it feels like rejection and yes i know your ex is the one who broke up with you and it's like there's a double standard because they rejected you but they don't see it that way and remember the old saying you get more flies with honey than you do vinegar i guess but after that kiss has happened the short kiss just lean back and kind of smile at him and say well you're a little rusty and just smile be playful a lot of it's up to you because some people just feel too reserved with what's going on to kiss or do more than kissing in some situations it can definitely bring the two of you closer together kissing and physical acts of love create incredible intimacy and feelings of closeness as a matter of fact they create chemicals in your brain one of them is oxytocin that actually causes the two of you to feel close and to feel connection so i'm not saying it's all a bad thing it's just you need to move slowly with it don't just jump right into it one thing you can say is if they keep trying to kiss you and you still feel that reserve or your situation needs you to show reserve in order to keep them coming towards you and not just thinking that they've totally gotten you back then what you can do is you can again playfully light-heartedly say that's as far as i'm going to go on a first date and joke around a little bit with it they may say well it's not our first date and you can just say well it is in a way they'll know what you mean but try not to get confrontational try to change the subject try to make a joke be playful keep it light and if the situation's right that is if they have told you things like how much they've missed you how they want you back things like that then being physical kissing them that's actually a positive thing just try to keep it slower than it would have been if you two were together try to show some reserve but not rejection so number four the move you make when your ex contacts you regularly and this is important because reaching out once is a little bit mysterious to you a lot of times people ask me what does it mean he reached out last week i haven't heard from him she reached out a few days ago and that was it that means that your ex your cake is not done baking in the oven but if they are in regular contact with you this usually means that they are right on the edge of saying something to you that basically means they want to get back together it's difficult i talk to a lot of people who have broken up with their ex and they want to get back together with them and they tell me it is difficult because they feel rejection they think you're mad at them they feel guilty over breaking up with you in the first place and because they don't know exactly how to go about it they don't know the words to say they don't know if they're supposed to kind of do a little bit and see if you meet them halfway because they don't want to go overboard they don't want to push you away or scare you away and so understanding that is key and so when they are contacting you on a regular basis just know the move for you is to gradually increase your initiation and by gradually i really mean gradually let them initiate most of the time but you have got to help them feel a little bit of progress and a little bit of confidence in being able to raise this with you to the point that they feel like they are able to ask you to be back in the relationship with them or to express that they really are thinking about that without feeling like it would be something that you would turn down and so if you two begin interacting and they feel that you do initiate some of the time but not all the time as a matter of fact not even half of the time more like 30 percent of the time and again this is when they are contacting you on a regular basis when that is happening there should be some sense of balance even though it's not cleanly 50 50. number five one that's mentioned a lot what do i do when they refer to me as their boyfriend as her boyfriend or as his girlfriend what do i do because we're broken up well this is clearly a sign that they are seeing a future with you again that they are at least entertaining the idea and thinking the breakup could have been a mistake but it also can mean that they really feel this way and they don't want to have to directly ask you and so they make this smooth backdoor mention or introduction that you are their significant other using that title boyfriend girlfriend whatever it is you're using it can be papa smurf or smurfette for all i care but you know what i'm saying so what do you do there because you want to give them the breakup you want them to have to experience the consequences and really if they are to this point they have to large degree and they are where you want them to be you want to be together and they are at that point where they're actually describing the two of you as together which is a big step it's one thing to say that you regret the breakup it's another thing to say i want to get back together but it is yet another thing to actually speak it to say it to other people to say it in a crowd to introduce you as such that's a good thing that's a big deal if you want to get your ex back and that's where do not make it to where this becomes an issue and you've got to question them on it and they've used that label just let it be start acting that way again because if they introduce you that way and they say it that way then you are giving them again what they want and it just happens to be what you want when you want the same thing then move forward and that's what i suggest you do if they want to talk about it that's fine but if they don't just start enjoying the relationship again you will have a time and there should be a time when you talk about issues things you need to improve on maybe what caused the breakup but not all at once you don't just sit there and go over every single thing that could have caused it and you don't make this into a regular thing it's an occasional thing something that is not normal because you're normal in a relationship should be growing in intimacy enjoying each other making peace for each other in a world of chaos and the negatives the strife the getting this off my chest should actually be in the minority there will be a time for it but the general rule that your parents probably taught you was you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything and that works most of the time with relationships as well you will have an opportunity and you will not explode if you don't tell them about it focus on positive experiences i provided a link below to my emergency breakup kit before i get to the next bonus point take a sec and look at the information about the kit it's the emergency breakup kit and it's a guide to getting your ex back it's at myexbackcoach.com so the bonus move is what is your move when your ex talks about the future this is such an important thing because when your ex is talking about a future with you that means they have given it some thought it also means that they are wanting to have some intimacy with you even in that moment because when you talk about a future with someone we will do this we've got to do this again i want this with you that is an intimacy building moment it's powerful it's important but what do you do when you two are broken up and your exes just kind of started talking to you again and all of a sudden they start talking about the future again as though you two are together similar to the second point i made that was the one about apologies it's important that you be careful because your ex could be baiting you they could want to feel some of that again or at least feel that you would take them back by agreeing to this future for example you're broken up but all of a sudden they're talking about when you two get married or they're talking about a trip you're going to take how do you respond to that while making sure that you give them the breakup but at the same time you're not pushing them away or making it difficult for them to get back together with you there are a couple different ways you can approach this and remember keep this light maybe even playfully and jokingly but you could say something like well that's going to be really difficult with us broken up but okay or you take the assumptive response that i've talked about in other videos which is where you say well i'm open to that but i want to take things one day at a time and so basically you are not rejecting them but you're also not giving it all back to them at once and so it gives them a little bit of progress which we all need progress if we think that we're doing something and we're not getting anywhere with what we're doing we're going to stop that's just human nature so giving them a little bit of progress but also keeping human nature in mind not giving it all back to them is your move and so those are some actions and responses that i suggest with your ex

Channel: Coach Lee

Views: 217,175

Keywords: moves to make to get my ex back, what to do when ex contacts me, coach lee, moves to make on ex

Id: biQa8toOAmU

Length: 16min 38sec (998 seconds)

Published: Sat Apr 09 2022