Never Split The Difference | Chris Voss | TEDxUniversityofNevada

[Music] I was an FBI hostage negotiator it sounds like a cry for help doesn't it there were more people working in a federal building I worked in in New York City than a small town in Iowa I grew up in my mom is still trying to figure out how all that happened my mom by the way is a loving no-nonsense hard-working Midwestern mom who says what she means you know what the difference between that kind of mom and a terrorist is you can negotiate with a terrorist you see they're as similar experiences out there when you're an FBI hostage negotiator you deal with the mad the badness sad to quote Tom strands to Godfather the FBI's hostage negotiation program that means you believe you never split the difference how you supposed to split the difference with some bad guy who's got four hostages he wants a jet to Cuba in a million dollars you say all right we'll take two hostages we'll give you a helicopter to New Jersey and you take an uber from there of course not one of the myth I'd like to dispel about hostage negotiators as well it said we can say whatever we want to get our way because these are one-off negotiations and we're never gonna see the bad guy again well hostage negotiators have repeat customers it was a siege in a major city in the u.s. the bad guy was on a run for ten days after having murdered four people they finally get him cornered he's got two hostages then Yoshida gets on the phone with them the negotiators little excited and the bad guy literally says to him on the phone you're not doing a good job you're supposed to be establishing rapport with me he'd been barricaded before if the negotiator before woulda lied to him I said what he had to say to get him out of there lives have been lost on down the line so we have repeat customers we believe in reputation we have integrity so one night I welcome to bar with three other hostage negotiators now I realize that sounds like a joke for hostage to go shooters walk into a bar and they don't pay for anything but this actually happened the four of us walked into the bar and a place is packed it is jumping and I walker I look around I see a seat empty at the bar and I go over you're ready to sit down it and then a guy sitting next to the seat says don't even think about it now I'm a hostage negotiator I'm gonna talk to this guy so I say why is that he says cuz I'll kick your ass I say I'm gonna need that I'm Chris and I hold out my hand the other negotiators listen we swoop in and they put the arms round and say hey how you doing let us talk to you you know what's going on let's see what's going on we find out this guy's a former Vietnam vet his life is in a shambles it's a mess no job no girlfriend he's out he perceives the world of celebrating and happy and he's miserable and that's why the seats empty you know everybody tried to sit down area offered to fight him now I know from hostage negotiation forget the hostage takers to use the hostages name it makes it much much harder for them to hurt well I'm some nameless guy he's ready to hit me soon as I become Chris everything changes now how was I supposed to split the difference with that guy anyway sit on his lap sit under the chair alright so what do you do if you're armed with this tactical empathy from hostage negotiation after you leave the FBI and you're looking for gainful employment how do you find a real job now you write a book I wrote the book never split the difference with tall Roz and Brandon bloss about applying the tactical empathy from hostage negotiation to the bullies and the liars who encounter everyday to the bad the bad the sad we run into in our jobs and our social interactions that a family gathering at the breakfast table I saw meme recently I thought it was really fun and said you know this parent thing is really wearing me out I think I'll try something less stressful like being a hostage negotiator Nicole empathy weapons-grade empathy did you ever imagine hearing those two words combined in the same sentence it never split the difference we defined tactical empathy is simply taking an inventory of the perspective of the person you're talking to to the adverse of the adversary of the counterpart especially the parts that we don't like and then telling them what it is describing it back to them calmly no denials no disagreements calmly a tactical empathy works because we all possess this human nature wire it works on a human nature level we've got something in our brains called the limbic system everybody has its components to the brain it doesn't matter what your gender your ethnicity or where you grew up you have a limbic system and you everyone has that that's the reason every hostage negotiation team in the world Baghdad to Bogota to Boston uses the same skills because the human nature wiring that we all possess now that's its shortcoming it only works with people so I'll give you another human nature secret insider's tip we all have one way we tell the truth one way we might lie five to seven different ways but you've got one way you tell the truth and that's the way a polygraph works and way Khalid Sheikh Mohammed was identified by two colleagues of mine as a mastermind of 9/11 now the way a polygraph works is you come inside they sit you down they hook - this machine they put all these wires and these gauges on you and they ask you a series of control questions - lay down your one way of telling the truth you know what day is it where are you what's your name what'd you have for breakfast they get your baseline for truth-telling then they ask you the hard questions the dog really eat your homework we're really in a bathroom when a fight broke out it doesn't matter which of the many ways you might come out of your truth telling the only thing that matters is that you came out of the truth-telling baseline now a few months after 9/11 a secret government agency had a terrorist in custody in a secret location outside the United States a terrace was badly wounded and they were worried that he was going to die and they needed to get somebody in to interview him that knew knew the substance of the case and two colleagues of mine were the only ones close by and the reason why they were where this guy was gonna die move on to the next life was the only reason that they're gonna live let my colleagues come and let FBI agents come in and talk to him so they get together and I say they've got a picture of the person they know to be the organizer of 9/11 but the pictures not good enough for them to be able to tell exactly who it is so they say we just talked to this guy long enough till he knows we know what he looks like when he tells the truth and then we lay the picture on him see what he says so he talked on the show him a pitch and they say who is this and he looks at me says you know who it is and I don't know we don't it's why we're asking he says it's Ramsay's uncle Ramsay the Ramsay he's talking about is ramzi yousef who's in American prison doing life and he's a mastermind of the first World Trade Center attack back in nineteen nineteen ninety-three Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is his uncle in fact the organizer of the 9/11 attack and the interesting part about this at the time as most of the US government doesn't think Khalid Sheikh Mohammed is involved with Al Qaeda at all let alone organising the attack and that's how he was identified with that human nature truth now what's the point the point is that even terrorists are humans and their human nature rules that apply to all of us all situations so several years ago while I'm still with the FBI I'm at Harvard Law School's negotiation course and I'm going to their negotiation course because Harvard and the FBI have the same definition of empathy Bob manukan the head of their program on negotiation says empathy is just describing and demonstrating and understanding the needs interest in perspective of your counterpart without necessarily agreeing and it goes on to say it's not about liking or sympathy in any way and I'm thinking I get behind that how am I supposed to like a terrorist's this is perfect in summon substance the FBI on one hand and Harvard on the other have the same definition of empathy so while I'm up there I'm looking for some more academic scientific evidence that backs aside the up of universal human nature wiring and one of the brilliant instructors up there Sheila Hien talks about a book called the carts air and it's a study and scientific proof that emotions are intertwined in all of our decisions we make our decisions based on what we care about which makes decision-making by definition of emotional process and I'm thinking perfect Eureka's is exactly what I'm looking for the only problem is I have never heard of the philosopher named Descartes so I write down dick Hart D I seek a DI ck HEA RT dick Hart and I go home and I google dick heart and I can't find him anywhere I'm thinking I don't know why she was so pressed with this guy nobody ever heard of dick hearts error is that he needs a PR person so people know who that is eventually though I do figure it out I'll a story a friend a colleague a client uses a transformative skill of tactical empathy to cut million-dollar deals in a tech sector he's enormous ly successful he's at a family gathering his youngest sisters had too much to drink now his younger sister is a primary caregiver of the dying father and a stress on her is enormous and he's seen her before these types of gatherings lash out at other people when she starts in on him and he realizes now it's his turn he sent me an email that said I just wanted to make her feel heard and to not dispute a thing that she said it went on for an hour the next day she sends him an email that says yesterday I attacked you and he showed me nothing but love thank you for being my big brother ladies and gentlemen the bad the madness a door everywhere they're us don't let just Terrace and bank robbers be the beneficiary of this transformative skill he's tactical empathy and the people you talk to you your adversaries time and the counterparts turn them into loved ones and never split the difference thank you [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 655,608

Rating: 4.8812408 out of 5

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Life, Crime, Empathy, Relationships

Id: MjhDkNmtjy0

Length: 12min 8sec (728 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 18 2019