What HE'S THINKING When He Wants To BREAK UP With You | Matthew Hussey

Matthew Hussey here with love life we have a caller on the line today caller are you there hi Matthew how are you good thank you how are you I'm doing well I have a question for you though please tell me tell me your name my name is Sophia hi Sophia what was your question so I'm going through a little bit of a hard time I dated a guy for about two and a half years and then about a week ago he broke up with me out of the blue telling me that he you know has been thinking about this for months and that he's torn because he still loves me yet he's like almost 30 so and he's working all the time and feels like he needs to be single again and that he didn't know how to tell me because he still has feelings all this weird stuff it was just out of the blue and now I'm trying to figure out if the no-contact rule works like moving forward how I potentially maybe like try to get him to come back I just people are telling me to just go like cold turkey and not text them at all they're telling you that so that you can go and find someone else so that you can get him back kind of people are saying you know if he if he walked away he needs to realize what he walked away from but I have this weird thing where I'm like well if I'm not if I'm out of mine out of sight and well he just completely forget about me so what's the alternative I'm not sure I don't because I don't even know what I would say to him you know that's right so if you weren't out of mind out of sight what would you do you would be calling him or texting him or showing up where he goes I think I wouldn't be crazy about it I would just talk to him I don't know like periodically and maybe just like check in but from the sound of it it sounds like that wouldn't be a good idea what do you think about his reasons for breaking up with you he works a lot and I think that he said he was trying to manage his time with friends and family and he realized that he wasn't able to be as good of a boyfriend because he was just all over the place with work he also said that he wasn't as excited about our relationship anymore which is what really hit home and what did you say in response to him I just tried to keep it classy and stay calm the only thing that was weird was he was very emotional while saying this like hysterically crying so it was almost as if I was like comforting him yet I was the one being dumped okay I would you like me to to shed some light on what's going through his head so that you can better understand what you should do because I think understanding him is the key for you to understand what you should do yes please this this is a guy who's what approaching 30 so yeah he's I imagine experiencing some sort of not midlife crisis but quarter life crisis where he's looking at his life and saying I'm still very young and the idea of being in this relationship for the rest of my life seems like an awful long time as it does for anyone and by the way even in relationships where people truly love each other I think people experience those feelings some people act on them and leave some people stay and battle through them but I think those are very common feelings to have to think about your relationship especially in our in our day and age you know this wasn't always the case people would would match themselves up and they would be conditioned to believe that this is now a relationship for life not so anymore so people look at their situation and they say I'm very young to now be with this person forever that's something that is gonna be freaking him out a little bit right now and that has nothing to do by the way with his attraction for you his love for you he can have massive amounts of both and still feel that now if he's on his career path and that's there's a lot going on there and you know he has these big goals there he probably is also imagining all of these experiences in life that he still wants to do and one of the hard things for anyone but I know that guys feel this one of the hard things is very often they experience this desire to go and do all of these things to travel and to visit different parts of the world and to live in different places and to feel experiences in life which they don't always feel like they can they either feel like they can't do all of that with a partner or if they're going to go and do it on their own they'd miss a partner too much so why put themselves through the pain why not meet a partner later in life after they've done all of those things so he has that dilemma now let me tell you why he's so upset right now because I would I would be very surprised if he's just a great actor right I would be very very surprised here's here's what I believed to be the reality this guy is unbelievably confused and torn because he cares about you he spent two-and-a-half years of his life with you which is long enough to get very very connected and and very very int and in love and and not to mention comfortable with that life and giving that up is one of the scariest things people ever have to do it's terrifying and horrible to be the one on the receiving end of a breakup but it's also terrifying and horrible to be the person breaking up with somebody else because you have it on your head as to whether in a month you're gonna regret the decision whether you're gonna look back and think why did I do that I've now let her go and who knows maybe she's someone else's by the time I realize that I really want her and that that was a terrible decision the hard part is he's I can almost guarantee you that he can't realize that it's the wrong decision by staying if he stays and keeps going he'll always be wondering what the other thing was and so he knows right now that he probably has to go and experience that other thing even if just to prove he was wrong now that represents a risk because maybe you do get over him maybe you go and build this incredible life without him and if he realizes he's wrong he's not going to have the opportunity to come back to you maybe that happens and he knows this and by the way if he if he didn't love you and wasn't terrified of this situation it wouldn't have taken him months to get there I believe him when he says it's he's been thinking about this for months and that shouldn't hurt you by the way actually it should it should be a an amazing complement to your relationship no it should be a massive I know I know where you're where you're coming from Sophia I know that when he tells you that he's been thinking about this for months it feels like a betrayal it feels like well what so the last few months of our relationship have been a lie you haven't that meant the things you've said to me over those months you when we've been together you've always been thinking about breaking up that's not the case what he's really meaning is I've been having an amazing time with you I've been enjoying this relationship but I'm still terrified of what else is out there and what I should be doing with my life and whether or not this is the right thing for me to be doing at this stage of my life and it's a testament to your relationship that he found it so difficult to do this because it means he cares it means there's love in the relationship and it means he's also terrified of what he's losing and that the crying and the hysteria that you saw is is really fear his fear am I making the wrong choice and of course while you're sitting there telling him the reasons he's making the wrong choice is making it even harder for him to stay strong with the decision that he's made on his own so it's all firstly understand that in his head is all a mess right now it's all a mess now I can't promise you that this guy will turn around and realize that this thing is better than what he's going and doing right now none of us know that what I do know is that the only way that he's going to realize is by experiencing whatever it is he thinks he's missing or at least pursuing it and trying it and seeing if that really works for him or whether in actual fact your relationship was the thing that he wanted I believe and many people disagree with me on this but I do believe that the right person can come along at the right time at the wrong time I apologize that doesn't mean you're the right person by the way maybe you're not maybe he's not the right person for you we don't know that yet but what I can tell you is you if you are right for each other you might have met him at a time when it was extremely difficult if not impossible for it to work because he doesn't believe that he's supposed to be in a relationship right now at this stage of his life and that's a very difficult battle for you to fight and let me tell you something it's not your battle to fight it's not it's not your job to convince him that it is the right time it's your job to say to him okay you know what I love you if you can't be happy in this relationship then you need to go and do what you think you need to do in order to be happy and for your sake I hope you're right I hope that whatever you're going for instead does make you happier because I wouldn't want you to go through the regret of of this being the wrong decision so go and do your thing and I know it's the hardest thing in the world to do I know it is but it but it's something that is important for you to do and that lack of contact right now is very very important for you because right now you have that process of first grieving right because that's what it is there's a grieving period for this you will get over that okay that that that will it will get less painful I promise you it will get less painful you go through that grieving period and after that as soon as you're ready and as soon as you can you go through the rebuilding period which is building a life that you're excited about that can take you down new avenues and allow you to meet new people and I'm not talking about necessarily meeting a new guy tomorrow but I am talking about experiencing new people having new friends and great people around you and people that teach you how big the world is you know and how many different experiences there are to be had because there are just so many it's fright there are so many experiences for you to have imagine imagine the experience that you've had with this one guy in two and a half years right enough enough to make you want to still be there but now imagine that's one guy in the world and one guy gave you that now imagine what the world has to offer I know it is pretty crazy it's it's the most I'm telling you so fear is the most exciting thing it's the most exciting realization one can ever have is just how much there is to do in the world and the most depressing realization anyone can have is how little time there is to do it all and I said one last question say if he does start to contact me then what do I you know you have obviously I feel like I'm not gonna make it easy you you have to here's what I would say you come from a loving place not a place of game-playing and you look at it as you look at it objectively and say okay whatever he's doing right now is this an attempt to progress things or is this an attempt just to feel connected so that this is easier for him mm-hmm is this a selfish decision by him or is it a loving one because very often when people reach out after a breakup it's a selfish decision not a loving one I want to feel close to you I want to feel you're still there I want to still you feel care oh I still want to feel you care about me but I'm not gonna pursue this I just want to feel those things for a moment I want to get a fix and then go and do my other thing and that's a selfish move and you have to look at those moves critically and you have to look at the magic objectively and say is he really coming from a loving place is he coming from a place of trying to rebuild something here or is this really just trying him trying to feel connected and as I said before don't come a plate from a place of game-playing of you know saying I'm gonna avoid his texts come from a place of being loving but at the same time have standards and if he calls you or text you out of the blue you have that right to say to him listen I love you and I care about you but it's not good for me right now to have this communication or to be too close to you I can't be that friend or now because I'm trying to repair myself I'm trying to overcome this and I'm trying to build a life and in order to do that I need to not be feeling this pain all of the time and him contacting you and reaching out is gonna create constant pain for you right so understand that he's not about to vanish off of the earth tomorrow you don't have to respond to every message you don't have to say the first time he takes your calls you oh this is my chance take it slow relax because if there's ever anything that's gonna help him come around is feeling like you're going out to live your life as well and you know is well let me tell you something Sophia it's win-win because if you go out there and live your life and build your life and he doesn't come back then you will have spent all of your time wisely by going out and building this great existence and experiencing everything life has to offer and not waiting around for something that you could never guarantee and would be a fool to just sit there and wait for well thank you so much so it was so helpful I really appreciate it you're amazing you're welcome Sophia listen that pain is is really really tough and I'm not in any way trying to make it sound easy because it's not it's one of the hardest things we ever go through and it's so hard that for some people it turns them off relationships it makes them turn away from them for good but understand that that's always the price we pay for how great it is and for how exciting it can be and at the end of the day as special as this guy was the world is a very big place and if nothing else he's given you the gift of showing you how much fun you can have how happy you can be and how rich and meaningful life can be if you go out and create connections and there's billions of other people for you to go and do that with now exactly I'm just going to try to make it a positive learning experience and it is I promise you so take care Sophia I'm here if you need me I love that you called in and and was so brave in doing it and I know you're going to be okay thank you so much I really appreciate it right look after yourself thank you everyone for listening in this has been love life if you want to get your questions answered call in eight four four two zero four six two double eight that's eight four four two zero for Matt and if you aren't following me on Facebook right now go and do that now it's facebook.com forward slash coach Matthew Hussey I'll speak to you soon [Music] you

Channel: Matthew Hussey

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Keywords: matthew hussey, get ex back, get him back, dating advice, get my ex, ex boyfriend, breakup advice, still love him, breakups, breakup, does he still love me, breakup quotes, breakup songs, get over breakup, relationships, get the guy, heartbroken, tips for women, love advice, heart ache, how to talk to men, texting, how to get your ex back, matthew hussey break up, he broke up with me, matt hussey, how to get the guy, matthew hussy, why did he break up with me

Id: V4uQBKBXfJ0

Length: 16min 14sec (974 seconds)

Published: Fri Jan 02 2015