Narcissism in a Parent [The Signs You Need to Know]

[Music] according to world-renowned narcissism expert dr. Ramani Durvasula narcissists take a major toll on our mental and emotional health narcissists are very difficult to spot yet they instill intense feelings of low self-worth insecurity and depression in their victims so spotting the nuanced signs is crucial to informing your own mental health care from your parents to your boss to anyone else in your life dr. Romani walks through each type of relationship she sheds light on how to spot the signs of narcissism how to manage that specific relationship if they are indeed a narcissist and what specific challenges you might face while doing so in our first session dr. Romney breaks this down for a critical relationship your parents we've talked a lot about narcissism on med circle and it is a needed it is who you call it that not the epidemic of our time but certainly I consider a public health crisis of our time I really really do and I know I take a lot of flack for saying that but Kyle I say it from a very serious place what I am seeing in my office with my consultation clients day after day after day it's horrifying and these are people who are lovely smart wise kind thoughtful I think could be for even push themselves even more ambitious people yeah who completely silence themselves who cut off their own wings in the names of these relationships I've had it I mean I'm tired of this and I'm gonna be honest with you I'm tired of the fact that the mental health community hasn't launched enough of a response to this I mean I've made it a single-minded crusade and I recognize that but when I see in one hour just explaining just educating someone about their story they walk out and sometimes they'll email me two weeks ago they're like later and they'll say that's just it I got it now and I'm doing so much better and but there's if these people or their health is falling apart this isn't just like I'm having a bad day their help this stress the effect on it's their health in every possible way people getting sicknesses that don't make sense they make sense to me be the proximity of someone who's behaving in such a toxic manner is a problem and the other struggle for me is that many people say well the narcissus went through a lot - I get it I never ever would say to someone I would invalidate your trauma but I'm always gonna judge you on how you're behaving today I get that I get that you know and so it's this idea that well these bad things happen to me so that is my rationale for why I'm gonna continue to abuse you and that does not work for me absolutely well one of the first nurses says people meet is their parents yes so with narcissus being 80% men 20% women or does that fall into the parent guidelines lovely okay by and large people are going to come in and talk about narcissistic fathers however because a narcissistic mother is so impactful because in many families the mother is often a primary caregiver right that they get more face time with her and as a result if she's narcissistic the impacts may be more significantly felt we hear about more I feel like I hear more about narcissistic mothers than I do father's from the peripheral but I think it's it's an impact issue right but I have to say though a lot of women I work with will say it's interesting the narcissistic fathers would often get a pass because they were often just really authoritarian and really controlling and it was as though all the fathers were like that so their father didn't stand out per se but if you had a particularly invalidating father it makes an impact particularly for women and what is interesting is that you know we're in a generation now we're seeing more same-sex parents so if we see two men who are raising a child you know obviously if one of those men is narcissistic then that's all going to impact the child and there may be a greater likelihood of that because it's more likely to be seen in marriage so there's some of the story is sort of telling itself as we go but but it both whether its father or mother it makes an impact especially if the father is a particularly malignant narcissist and is cruel to the mother and to everyone in the family system even if he's just written off as the mean authoritarian dad that cruelty really has impacts on everyone in the system and can pull the mom out of the parenting game she's so beaten down by the narcissistic dad that she wasn't always able to rally for her kids so what are some signs that people can look for that could indicate that their parents one or both of them are narcissists you know it's interesting when when they look back on their childhood it's as though they thought well this is how mom always was mom was always selfish dad never showed emotion dad was never empathic you know my parents were we're always entitled it's the always miss of it that makes it hard so it's looking at what we always look at in narcissism we look at where they empathic were they able to talk about emotions were they able to go deep with their kids one thing that narcissistic family systems are characterized is by parents who focus a lot on achievement and how their child looks and how they look to the community so they love their straight-a kids or their soccer playing kids or their kid who physically looks the way they want them to in some cases would have really narcissistic parent they may favor the child who more physically resembles them and in narcissistic families it's not unusual to have some really complicated dynamics where one child or maybe more than one child but typically one becomes the scapegoat some something about them is not pleasing the narcissistic parent and it could either be at the level that they don't feel like that child is good enough or that kid may be a threat but they scapegoat that child or there's a we'll also see in these systems the golden child the child that is viewed as the one who is who represents who is emblematic of all that that narcissistic parent values and they'll put a disproportionate resource in that child you would think like oh the golden child's got it made and in fact they're like the golden child often feels survivor guilt you know that they may very be very fond of their siblings and feel like why am I being zeroed out and it also carries with it guilt and expectation if you're the golden child it becomes very clear to you that you could be toppled off that pedestal the scapegoat child in the system can show all the kinds of symptoms you might see in a child who's been exposed to childhood neglect or abuse they may be very untrusting you'll see children in the system trying to protect siblings from narcissistic parents it gets really really complicated but it's many times it's a story that tells itself backwards like Peter I'm hearing more and more from people who watch our med circle videos that like gosh I saw that that's my mom that's my dad like they said I didn't know there was a word for this I just thought I really had a tough mom or dad so a lot of times people think of their parents as difficult selfish challenging not available not present neglectful those kinds of adjectives should be red flags that you might have actually had a narcissistic parent and you know I've always said I don't care about the label I know what you will is so important yeah in case they haven't heard that explain why the label doesn't really are a lot of people get lost in like I think our statistic I gotta figure this out as though they're giving a diagnosis right the adjective by itself is not diagnostic if you really experience from this parent that they were difficult and selfish and cruel with you know just there was an antagonistic quality to them maybe I also help you circle that drain and say yeah your parents seemed narcissistic it almost doesn't matter if it felt like that emotionally distant and invalidating and controlling a childhood doesn't matter it was still a miserable experience and it's definitely something that shaped you and that's the key a parent shapes us so now your personality is being shaped by a person who likely devalued emotion I would say that over 90% of people who grew up in narcissistic family systems walk around with the mantra I am NOT enough haunting them for the rest of their lives d'un are Sissis walk around with that same mantra okay so that's yes short answer yes and it's how it manifests so for the ordinary I'm not enough for and I'm gonna own it right now I'm and I'm not enough for your and I'm not enough it's it's a it's a mantra that's plagued me my whole life and it makes me work myself too much and feel like I'm not enough as a mom as a partner as a friend like I that's that's the monkey on my man why do you feel that way it's historic for me I think it's cultural it's family of origin it's the educational path I chose so I always try to overcompensate and as a result I often get very exhausted I can easily feel sad I might be like you know maybe I shouldn't say something you know and of course they don't like me like that kind of stuff I mean I put myself out in the world I'm in therapy I manage it but it's always it's always been there for me so the way I manage that is by like I said sometimes trying to like overcompensate maybe do more that you're a doer like I'm a doer like I'll work a hundred hours a week because then I'll be more than enough right that's very different because I'm in touch with it I have a lot of clients where like I'm not enough and we're all on the same page so I'm like we got this so they're they manage it the problem is when a person's not aware of their I am NOT enoughness and that's when you get into the territory of narcissism because it's a core insecurities right but because they're not aware of it they're always lashing out angrily at the world because they're so insecure they're not enough so why not walk around think I'm the greatest I'm I'm the best there's no one better than me validate me like me on social media cuz I'm the best you can see how that's I'm not enough tell me I'm enough you know but they're not in touch with us they get very angry when they're told when they're not told I'm not enough that's a validation seeking those of us who own it as a neurotic conflict we are we in spaces like therapy can catch ourselves and say okay so if we think our parents are narcissists and we still have to show up at Thanksgiving and they're still gonna come visit their grandkids how do I manage this relationship without losing my hair okay so it goes back to what we've already talked about we've put out there as the classical ways of managing any narcissistic relationship as soon as you recognize what this pattern is I always tell people with their parents go on a little data gathering trip spend about three to six months and watch the patterns because as soon as you have the template you're gonna realize the patterns are as consistent as a Rising Sun they just like oh yeah she doesn't validate this and she's hypersensitive about that and she's hypocritical about this you knew it all along but once you identify it as a pattern you realize like it's like this every single time you can forecast the weather exactly and with that you can engage in those realistic expectations and the radical acceptance that are critical to managing these relationships so I tell people if you have a narcissistic parent or parents whether you see them every day or once a year you have got to prepare for those interactions like you're going into a job interview you've got to take a mindful moment check in with yourself make sure expectations are on board remember all of the sort of the the little minefields the places where things pop and be ready for it expectations expectations boundaries boundaries I sometimes have clients who set timers who know that their heart out is 3 o'clock or whatever and then what they go into the situation ok they don't over engage they don't fall for the critical comments they don't defend they don't explain sometimes parents will be on to it and saying why aren't you being very quiet and now they're good they'll go and you'll say no I just love listening to what you have to say you know it's been a long time I haven't seen you in a while isn't that a game it's a game it's again that's the only way it's gonna work otherwise you're gonna get back down in the mud once it starts once you feel it it's bubbling up to a toxic level you got to get out would you what about the person who goes I don't want to play a game with my parents I don't okay then don't but don't think you're going to educate them on it a lot of people will say I've watched that circle video I've met with you dr. Rodney I got this I'm gonna go tell them I'm like slow down sister this isn't not good it's not gonna work and it's going to inflame them because I think so many people want to tell the narcissistic parent I've got you figured out the best I mean it's like sunsoo in the art of war right once you have like it's almost like you don't want to announce battle until the last possible moment and even then you don't you really you want to cut you want to stealth you you want to be stealthy you want to come around this and not engage them knowing what it is you can protect yourself from more hurt but you cannot change them yes so a lot of people say this feels very superficial I say okay if you're deciding between superficial and combative I'm gonna choose superficial any day of the week all day long so that's the issue is that people said well this doesn't feel good I said neither did the other right some people aren't willing to give up these relationships it may be because they love their brothers and sisters but they don't like their parents are narcissistic and they don't want to cut they want to get go to the family gatherings they might find their children actually do like their grandparents and as grandparents their parents are serviceable so they want to maintain that but that doesn't mean you need to engage and talking about it 20 years later ain't gonna make it better well said I loved all that in our next session we'll talk about managing a relationship with a narcissistic sibling thanks for watching check out the links below for more information on how to access this full series and subscribe to our YouTube channel to watch new mental health videos every week did you like what you heard in this video if you want to ask a med circle doctor a question directly you can learn how by visiting the links in the description below [Music] you

Channel: MedCircle

Views: 1,378,417

Rating: 4.9335489 out of 5

Keywords: narcissism, narcissistic personality disorder, narcissist, parent, parents, psychology, mental health, relationships, personality disorder, narcissistic abuse, kyle kittleson, dr. ramani, narcissistic, npd, medcircle, psychologist, discussion, ramani durvasula, dr ramani, ted talk, how to spot a narcissist, anger, abuse, personality, narcissistic mother, narcissistic relationship, narcissists, gaslighting, interview, video, expert, educational videos, depression, self-esteem, narcissistic parents

Id: Rt2n2jE7NvA

Length: 14min 39sec (879 seconds)

Published: Sun Jan 12 2020

Reddit Comments

[u/randomtime42]

This was so helpful for me! Thank you for sharing

[u/Vicki1966]

I Subscribe to Dr. Ramani on You Tube and she has helped alot. Think she specializes in Narcism.