And finally New Rule, someone,
maybe AI, has to figure out a way
to slow down time. Because what everyone
has been saying to me lately is, "I can't believe it's May." (LAUGHS) Oh, Americans,
we do nothing but bitch about everything under the sun,
but damn it, -life goes by too fast.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) It's Memorial Day in a week? Christ, I might as well start
my Christmas shopping. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-But it is. It's May. A month I have been anticipating
for a long time because my book comes out
next week. (AUDIENCE CHEERING, APPLAUDING) A book I have waited
my whole career to write. One that is based on collecting
the crème de la crème of these end-of-the-show
editorials and reimagining them, but also cover some
virgin territory. For example,
I'm kind of obsessed with the idea of what historians
of the future will say about us. Imagine, it's the year 3024
and you're living in a colony on the planet Musk... (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) -...formerly Mars. What...
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) What will the historians say
about the Americans of 2024? Well, probably that we were
self-absorbed, algorithmically enslaved,
on drugs, and worshiped a God
named Apple. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-But what they won't do is write about the very thing
that consumes us, our petty squabbles. In the myopia of the present,
our partisan differences make each side believe
they're nothing like the other side.
Libtards and deplorables. (SCOFFS) Historians
will disagree. They won't see red on one side
and blue on the other. You're thinking of<i> Jaws 3D.</i> (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) But historians see the character
of a people as a whole. The Scots were clannish,
the Spartans stoic, the Mongols expansionist,
the Greeks were too into anal. -(CLEARS THROAT)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) And for us,
it will be no different. Historians will say,
we're also too into anal. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-But also the other thing. They will see us
as a singular people with the same pathologies and unappealing traits
on both sides. Traits that simply
manifest themselves differently. For example, I believe,
they will say, Americans of our era
were unscientific. One side thought,
climate change was a hoax. One thought,
gender was a construct. One wared against Mother Nature.
One against motherhood. One doubts Evolution, one wears masks
when they're alone in the car. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) Which is kind of like wearing
a condom to jerk off. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) In medical schools now,
professors are so fearful of being labeled transphobic,
they have to apologize for saying words like
male, female and pregnant woman. Katie Herzog writes... (READS PROMPT) (READS PROMPT) Okay, but generally, the people
with breast and vaginas who give birth are the women and the ones with the penis,
hogging the remote are men. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) Historians will say that
as a people, Americans lost our rationality. They'll say,
we were conspiracy theorists. The right wanted to believe
that Obama was born in Kenya. The left wanted to believe
in Trump's pee tape. -(CLEARS THROAT)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) We have January 6th truthers
but the Washington Post reports that there are also now
October 7th truthers Who believe
Hamas never raped anybody and the hostages all died
of natural causes. Now, does the right do
conspiracy more? I think they do.
QAnon and Jewish space lasers. -(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
-Hillary's pedophile ring, microchips and the vaccine,
Sandy Hook didn't happen, the election was stolen,
Jews are trying to replace us. Yeah, but of course,
on the left... (SCOFFS) ...Jews are the Nazis now. -(LAUGHS)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Some how even enemies always
find a way to agree to blame everything on the Jews. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) I think, future historians
will see us as a sad people, saddled with
a genetic predisposition to always break into factions
and then be consumed with the hate that engenders. Each side in America right now considers the other
an existential threat. To the point where both camps
literally collaborate with foreign enemies
over fellow Americans. Republican news channels
use Russian talking points. Their voters wear t-shirts
that say, "I'd rather be Russian
than Democrat" and their leader sides
with Putin. When today's Republican
watches<i> Rocky IV,</i> they root for Ivan Drago. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Meanwhile, on the left
this happened. Americans chanting death
to America. College professors
and their students exhilarated by aligning with a theocratic
murderous terrorist group with values fundamentally
opposed to our own. Finally, I think, the people
of the future will ironically be puzzled
by our common desire to live in the past. On Fox News
they're always pining for 1950, to make America great again. And in The Huffington Post
it's always 1619, and nothing has changed. For people so being
into the moment, nobody seems to wanna live
in the year we're living in. Trump's entire shtick
is to return America to some idyllic time
when the traditional family was a husband, a wife,
a couple of kids and a porn star on the side. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING, APPLAUDING) A time when America
was the only Superpower and you could drink at work. When a cheeseburger cost a dime and a girl brought it to you
on roller skates and she liked it
when you complimented her ass. (AUDIENCE LAUGHING) Nikki Haley says,
"America was never racist." And then there are voices
on the left saying racism has never been worse. And the normies
in the center say how hard is it to meet
in the middle and just not be stupid
about shit. -And that's who my book is for.
-(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING, CHEERING) People who don't wanna be stupid
about shit.
