What Does The Bible *Really* Say About Marriage?

here's a well-known fact all you one saved trash out there have no idea what constitutes a bible-based marriage and here's a little-known secret neither do christians and that's why the lord has called upon me america's best christian to teach all of you his definition of marriage pay close attention because he's rather inventive in the beginning of time say six thousand years ago god created one man and one woman they had two children both had penises you might inquisitively ask lord if adam and eve only had boys where did the grandchildren come from trust me you're not going to like his reply a bible-based marriage is between one man one woman and the son she seduces after he's killed his only brother a family that slays and lays together stays together true story abraham the father of three faith two of them total rubbish married his sister as if that wasn't sorted enough [ __ ] sister sarah invited abraham to have sex with her maid someone named hagar said an appallingly butch name a bible-based marriage is between one man and his sister and the hell goodness me lord the help doing the help i don't even speak to mine quick what's the lord's favorite way to punish a man who rapes an unmarried virgin anyone marriage yes a bible-based marriage is between one woman and a rapist muzzle top remember how god turned lot's wife into a pillar of kosher salt so a bible-based marriage can sometimes be between one man and a kitchen condiment bon appetit so what do you do if you run out of close relatives or servants to marry well the rather crafty lord has a fabulous tip just drive over to the nearest town and murder everyone who either has a penis or a seen one then just round up all the virgins who are left of course you don't need to take a big truck if you try this and say america a bible-based marriage is between one man a gal who's kidnapped and raped right after a brother father mother and [ __ ] sister are slaughtered remember in the bible it's not rape if the man says i do king david had a fabulous collection of wives and a harem absolutely chock-full of athletic concubines whom the lorne had raped by david's son because the lord was in a snit over some drama concerning that troublemaking [ __ ] bathsheba a bible-based marriage is between one man a woman another woman yet another woman a few more women an adulterer and a pack of raped [ __ ] in a galling show of one upmanship david's son king solomon had 700 wives and because god loves to round up 300 concubines which i really just live in [ __ ] a bible-based marriage is between one man and frankly enough booty to make a mormon compound seem quitely understaffed so what do you do when you can't afford even one wife much less a pack of in-house hookers but you still have your little heart set on having a son well the lord truly suggests that you invigol a slave into violating your daughter voila problem solved a bible-based marriage is between one man daddy's little girl and the slave daddy hired to rape her try getting a hallmark card for that the whole concept of marriage apparently bored bachelor jesus to tears other than encouraging his buddies to abandon their wives about all jesus said on the subject was that once you do it that's it no running off to babylon to get a divorce so clearly in the bible you can have as many wives as you want just as long as you have them all at once so let's recap the lord's idea of the perfect marriage it is between one man and his sister and her rapist kitchen condiment gal who's kidnapped and raped few more women an adulterer and a pack of raped [ __ ] 700 wives 300 concubines and the health and a son who has murdered his brother but it is not between one man and another man because well that would be immoral [Music] survey says four out of five evangelical divorcees believe marriage is sacred

Channel: Mrs. Betty Bowers, America's Best Christian

Views: 53,683

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Id: mWqdqkP6jlk

Length: 4min 14sec (254 seconds)

Published: Tue Aug 09 2022