What Does "Be a Man" Really Mean? | Mazin Jamal | TEDxSoMa

[Applause] before I speak I wanted to say one thing too often men hear about me too we hear from women the ways that we've harmed them and we say what the hell am I supposed to do about that we say forget about it we deny it and we use any privilege that we have to run away I want men to feel like you don't have to give up on being better when they find out that something is wrong that there's something we can do I want people to believe that something is possible because if we're hopeless everyone loses when I was hopeless I was useless to everyone and I made things worse and that's what happens men feel useless and hopeless and they double down on the problem and everyone pays the price especially women transgender people I've hurt women in my life and I've done it in ways that are connected to one of the biggest problems that our species is facing right now and I've spent the last two years of my life and will spend the rest of it asking this question what can I do to live a life of integrity and service even having made these mistakes so this is my story and I share in hopes that it will reduce harm by evoking the evolution of manhood one summer I was visiting my grandma in Sudan with my cousins and we were playing dress-up and I was dressed up as MS ena and I had a dress and my hair was long and I loved it and then my aunt found us and she's like oh you want to be a woman huh well then why don't we give you some boobs and she grabs me by the nipples and twist them as hard as she can so they'll swell up take that damn clothes off and be a man that's the first time I can remember someone telling me to be a man and I still feel it and I joined a new middle school in a week after a guy named Adam and all of his friends jumped me and they're like you either have to kiss his shoe or we're all gonna beat you up and I'm like weighing out my options be a man and get beat up by these 12 guys or kiss a shoe it seemed like the logical decision like it's just a shoe what's the big deal right just give me the damn shoe and I look over my friends are like bro you should have been a man and fought you're never gonna live this down so I start playing the game I start working out getting in fights vying for popularity doing whatever I can to be a man and it starts working you know I can finally show my face again because I have some control over my reputation and a year later I get a phone call I was 15 Madison Madison Madison your mom just died this morning I had I have no idea what to do people told me to be a man so I did what I thought that meant and I numbed myself to all my emotions didn't cry for three years me and my sister moved back to the San Francisco Bay Area to live with my cousins and I try to be the cool guy know not too many feelings make some friends become popular so I felt like I had something I go to college and I continue to be a man act you know be cool make friends and it started working people invite me to parties some women wanted to date me but whenever the emotions got to rely always had to end it until and so I fell in love like I was in love like I was feeling loved and we would write each other letters and love poems and we would cook each other meals and I just felt like she deserved that perfect man and I tried to give her my all I tried to respect her and support her in any ways that I could but when I really let her in I became so possessive and jealous and I read the feminist theory and I guess it was still just theory because once I became insecure like that I just tried to revert to be a man and take control and I became emotionally manipulative and she said we'd be better off just as friends and what I should have done then is what I should have done when my mom died like grieve this loss and reflect on what had happened so I just reverted back to the default be a man oh it's no big deal hurting now depressed who's depressed Oh insecure no I'm very secure thank you I'm good don't worry bro I'm strong I meditate newly single I would eagerly report to all my friends about all of my new relationships so everyone would know just how much of a man I was I mean that's the dream right nothing hides her male insecurities like the approval of women and the thing is this entire time I thought I was a really woke guy I mean the way the world is set up is that I could just keep staying numb and keep dominating and being a man with confidence and no one would question me on any of this and when they did if I didn't listen nothing would really happen and when I would listen maybe people wouldn't want to talk about it anymore and then you know I'd be people say accountable I'm like what am I being accountable to I don't know what what does accountability mean and just stuck in that cycle and then the world erupts around me with the me2 movement and that was courage and vulnerability like I could never even have imagined revealing this reality that so many of us men didn't want to acknowledge and it was way deeper than I have thought and generally I supported this movement I supported these survivors and their stories in theory but behind the surface I was terrified terrified that I was that guy - that I've hurt people the way that so many of my friends have been hurt that it was me who used other people as a way to deal with my emotional problems it was me who tried to use people to prove how much of a man I was and I had gotten woke up caught wake-up calls before but this time it felt like half the world was on the other side of the line and I had convinced myself that I was some kind of an exception one of the good guys I didn't cat call women on this I don't engage in locker talk locker room talk I would never use physical violence to get what I wanted compared to those guys those bad men I'm not that bad it's not about good men in bad men it's about a culture a culture of be a man take control do whatever it takes to get what you want because your desires are more important than anyone elses and it was me who participated in that culture it was me who stood by and watched my friends do the same and worse and did or said nothing and I had realized that at the heart of all of this was men trying to live up to some expectations of manhood trying to live up to some vision of be a man and it needed to change from the root and if I was going to do anything about it I had to learn and I learned that at least one in six women I know has been sexually assaulted mostly at the hands of men and 80% of the time it would be by someone they knew personally not some stranger in a dark alley but a friend a boyfriend a family member a leader or a good guy like you were me listening to be a man take control get the sex that you need to prove that you're a man but me a man doesn't just stop there all the murders in the world and 96% of them are committed by men be a man a searcher power at any cost but what is it costing us trying to live up to these standards of manhood because of this of the people murdered 79 percent of them are men of the 3 million people incarcerated the United States ninety-one percent of them are men we have a lower life expectancy we're less likely to go to the doctor when we're sick and twice as likely to commit suicide simply being a man is the determining factor on all these forms of violence against others in ourselves you know there were days where I was so resentful of men and manhood and myself I wished I could just give up on being a man altogether and sometimes it's when you're really humbled in those moments that you can actually see some guidance from places you wouldn't have expected like my dear friend who is transitioning their gender at that time the gender the doctor assigned them at birth didn't match who they were and I washed them with so much courage trying to explain their change name and their pronouns to our friends and I couldn't even imagine what they were going through so much scoffs and eyes rolling and even hate but it also was evident that they had become so much less interested in what people were telling them they were supposed to be and so much more interested in who they actually were and I couldn't even begin to understand their struggle but I couldn't help but imagine what is what my friends experiencing make possible for everyone what does this make possible for me you know when I see my friend and how fabulous they are I think anything is possible human beings have such an amazing capacity to unlearn what we're taught and discover who we actually are now before I talk about how I've sought to redesign my manhood I should probably mention that I already did that once as a kid growing up I just did it unconsciously I was like all right got to be a man 50 cent little Wayne Goku Power Rangers Backstreet Boys dad just blindly grabbing at any role models I could find heroes villains celebrities parents siblings I took who I actually was and tried to filter it through who I thought I had to be and there was my vision for manhood that's being a man but now I am committed to redesigning my manhood so that it's in alignment with my values and who I actually am in a way that benefits everyone and unfortunately in doing that I can think of all these visions but it's not like downloading a new software update on your phone and POW it Manhunter redesigned no it's ongoing its lifelong process and it's required me to actually become vulnerable enough to listen to feedback and to listen to myself and like any design it begins with a vision so in my vision four men had my new vision for manhood I'm guided by my values of openness creativity compassion integrity and service and I'm actively reflecting on my thoughts in my behavior so I can grow and be my best self and I'm seeking meaningful connections with other people and with me and being a man having this new vision for manhood it's giving me something to actually try to be because when I had a list of like don't be all these things I just was paralyzed but having this vision it lets me even when I fall on my face which I often do to feel like I'm at least falling in the right direction and this vision has led me to live and be things that be a man had previously told me not to do now being a man to me means seeing a therapist regularly and joining a men's circle and learning how to feel and manage my emotions be a man means cooking for myself and nurturing myself be a man means cuddling with my grandma giving her kisses even if other men are watching be a man means wearing the clothes that express how I feel be a man means transforming my relationship with other men me and my best friend became accountability buddies he knows my vision for manhood and I know his and every week we check-in Mezen what's one way that you're proud of how you showed up this week all right well what's one place and beer with me what's one place where you feel like you could have acted more in alignment with your values hmm all right well what's one thing you're willing to do to demonstrate your values in action what are you willing to do them by when are you gonna do it and when one of us sees the other one acting out of alignment we can lovingly remind each other Mazen I know being open and acting from your integrity is in your vision for manhood what could that look like in this situation and being a man means being vulnerable with other men now and changing my relationship with men has met I can get my human needs of intimacy and emotional connection met from way more people twice as many people and I don't have to just rely on the women in my life for that being a man means seeing that I have a lot of privileged ways that I'm prioritized just because of my gender and I can use that I have to use that to support the women transgender and gender non-binary people in my life my friends people and recognizing that transphobia homophobia sexism that's built in to what being a man was when I was growing up - the very definition and now it's time to redefine that in redesigning manhood I began with his vision and I began by asking myself these questions one what are the values that inspire you to be your best self - am I willing to be vulnerable to actually take off this armor of numbness and defensiveness and to actually listen listen to the feedback that I'm getting and listen to my inner voice of wisdom 3 how how will I hold myself accountable to my values so now I'm learning from my mistakes and acting from my integrity for how can we set up a system of support for you so that you're staying in this therapists counselors professionals men circles friends people you trust who can show your blind spots and support you in this journey and finally what's the contribution that I want to make to the world embodying all of this we all have so much to gain by getting clear on who we actually are on our values and having a system of support around this and for me there's still so much work to be done it'll be a lifelong journey but redesigning my manhood to be in alignment with my values with who I actually am is letting me be my best self to feel like I have hope I have a path and if I saw a little Mazen in a dress being bullied in danger or getting a call like Mazen your mom just died and people are telling me to be a man about it I'm gonna say nom you don't listen to that noise you listen to your heart and you be yourself thank you [Applause] [Applause]

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 44,830

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, Life, Behavior, Change, Communication, Identity, Men, Personal growth, Reform, Struggle

Id: zsLXPU40yiI

Length: 16min 2sec (962 seconds)

Published: Thu Jan 31 2019