An Unexpectedly Effective Way To Respond To A Narcissist's Criticisms

if you have ongoing exposure to controlling people it's a virtual certainty that you're going to experience blurry boundaries which is why i have created the extensive online course called this is me establishing boundaries with the controllers in your life there's a link below that will give you all of the details and i hope that you would find it in therapeutic [Music] let's start with a basic question today and that is when a narcissist interacts with you what energizes them psychologically the most and it's so telling when we come up with the answer to that question narcissists are energized when when you give them affirmation and admiration they're energized when you give deference to them and you conform to who they are they're also energized when you're intimidated by them and you continually run or filter your decisions through them and in saying all of this we can say that narcissists are very ego driven in the way that they engage with you and to say that they're ego driven that's a gross understatement uh they operate on this on the notion that says i'm substantial you're not and one of the easiest ways to determine the extent of their egotism is to watch how critical they are toward you narcissists are experts in giving point-blank complaints with me i roll my eyes because it's like well we ought to be good at something and they're good at that they are chronic fault finders and all you have to do is show up and you'll eventually find out what you did wrong they can give you advice that you didn't ask for actually in my psychological math i have this formula that says unsolicited advice equals criticism they scold you easily they're chronically irritable and when you engage with them it's like this ego that they have just won't let up now i want you to notice when this is the the pattern that they establish how you tend to respond to that and many times there are some unhealthy ways that you can engage in reverse for example how many times do you feel like you have to justify who you are and why it's okay for you to be you how often do you rationalize your decisions or your opinions or your priorities many times you protest how easily do you protest you know why do you have to keep doing this to me or sometimes do you find yourself going into a counter critical kind of way they accuse you you accuse them right back do you sometimes collapse under anxiety or maybe your anger starts running away with you and what you do is you kind of have a me too reaction to them and uh what it does is it simply keeps their game going keeping in mind that they're highly competitive and when you play the game they won't quit until they've convinced themselves at least that they're superior and you're inferior so i want to see if we can figure out how you can have a very effective way and maybe even an unexpectedly effective way to respond to this unnecessary criticism that narcissists in their egotism will throw toward you and that's simply this as they come at you with criticism drop your ego okay now when i say drop your ego let go of your ego what i'm basically saying is the egotism that narcissists have and you can mirror is founded in an unjustified attitude of self-importance and instead of you saying well i'm going to play that game it's like no i don't need to do that and in its place you're going to anchor down in a healthy sense of self-esteem which is a strong contrast to their unhealthy egotism they think that they esteem themselves but they don't narcissists are very needy people so when they come at you with all their conceit and their arrogance they're just more or less implying i've got to have you to tell me that i'm okay and narcissists certainly have no appreciation at all for humility so when we say that we're going to drop your egotism and we're going to go into a different path what we're going to say is i don't have that same neediness and actually i'm okay responding with humility and it's so important for us to understand that your humility becomes a bedrock ingredient in your own self-confidence and it's something that narcissists don't understand whatsoever let's again let's keep in mind to you a narcissi to a narcissist you are just simply a nuisance you're a tool to be used you're a prop you're a means to an end and what they do is they see you as someone to compare against so that they can build themselves up and so in humility and in self-esteem you can say you know if that's where you want to come uh come at me with what you want to come we meet with it's where you are it's not where i am so as you drop your ego there are multiple uh adjustments that can be made okay and first we're gonna say that uh as as a person who is not gonna be driven by hard egotism i'm not blown away because you the narcissist but feel the need to prop yourself up at my expense that just doesn't threaten me i have enough of my own internal sense of calmness and self-respect that i know that the world doesn't really have to accommodate me i'm adequate on the inside out my estimation of myself my self-esteem doesn't rise or fall at the behest of you the narcissist unlike the narcissist i give myself permission to be human that means i know sometimes i in fact am fallible you know when they criticize they they just jump all over your infallibility it's like yeah sure enough i am no in fact it's inevitable you hang around me long enough you're going to find out that i have my pluses my minuses and it doesn't catch me off guard when i air and they're in there criticize them uh criticism toward you uh they're trying their best to kind of put this attack on you when the narcissist continues to uh to offer very freely uh the evidence that you are indeed that inherit or that errant person you know i'm hoping you can say you know i'm just going to pull back and consider the source i'm not dealing with somebody who's being very objective about me fact is i have good intentions and if the narcissist is not able to see that maybe it's just not meant to be i see it my ethics my morality my way of doing life are well considered and so when i fall short to the narcissist and they keep coming with their criticism the fact is i know myself well enough to know that what i carry on the inside is reasonable and and when i do i find things about myself that are less than perfect not only am i willing to adjust i like adjusting i like being in a growth mode and so mr mrs narcissist if you want to catch me in my need for growth okay catch me i'm still not your inferior i don't have a need to be superior but if you need to play that game go right ahead i'm not playing it with you when the narcissist goes off the rails with all of their criticism i'm going to remind myself that i'm dealing with a troubled soul and it truly is pitiable what i'm witnessing right here in front of me i dislike their criticisms i dislike all of the disdain that goes with it but you see i'm gonna manage nonetheless uh the narcissist confidence such as it is in fact is nothing more than disdainful pretense but my confidence comes from a fundamental sense of self-respect i understand what dignity is starting with myself and i'm very willing to pass it on to other individuals and if the narcissist just can't do that i'm going to go ahead and hold firmly with who i am i have a term that i love to use you probably heard me use it before it's called calm confidence when we say drop your ego in your response to the narcissist criticism what we are saying is uh move instead into the space of calm confidence so i'm hoping that as you're able to let go of that unjustified self-importance that the narcissist lives with it's like no i'm not entering into that space i'm hoping you can think within yourself you know what mr or mrs narcissus as you continue to criticize incessantly i might add i'm on to you i see what's going on and i understand the difference between false egotism and healthy self-esteem that's what i'm committed to i'd love for you to join me but if you can't i'm quite comfortable being me that's the unexpected effective way to respond to the narcissist calm confidence calm self-regard is a a tool that they don't have in their in their shed but it's one that i hope that you can go back and pick up on many many times over and when the narcissist doesn't know what to do with that it's like i realize that you're basically operating from a very different playbook from them justifiably so i hope that videos such as this can give you some good food for thought and good self-awareness and awareness of who that narcissist is if you've not already done so i would encourage you to hit the subscribe button so we can keep more coming in your direction uh gus gus he's laid down his ego a long time ago we need to be more zen like guzz don't we if you have a need for therapy and i know that many times as you're trying to sift through issues like this uh that would be something that would be very apropos i'm so pleased to be sponsored by the people at betterhelp.com ever since uh the pandemic happened we became very familiar with online therapy and it's it's become a very effective way to manage that and it allows it to be accessible to you and it's it's uh accessible expense wise as well so if you have a need we have a link below that will take you to a whole team of licensed professional therapists that you can select from i would strongly encourage you to get the help that you need also we have my therapeutic classes my courses and something like signing up for an online class we have multiple each class has multiple videos with written documents and guided questions we have ready set connect about making healthy connection skills this is me about establishing those boundaries with that narcissist free to be finding yourself despite the the controllers in your life we have my podcast we have my website we have my books and other resources below i genuinely appreciate you allowing me to be on your journey with you and together we can see if we can make a difference okay let's understand in their criticism narcissists are energized uh by you coming off the rails but with your laying down your ego and holding on instead to healthy self-esteem that leads to calm confidence i'm hoping that you can say you know be what you are i'm okay with who i am over here and when you criticize it's just noise i want to live in dignity respect and civility because i'm committed to being a person of genuine peace [Music] you

Channel: Surviving Narcissism

Views: 144,987

Keywords: covert narcissism, malignant narcissists, passive aggressive, anger, gaslighting, Dr. Les Carter, psychology, mental health

Id: SYIoBRcpOQs

Length: 13min 9sec (789 seconds)

Published: Sat Jul 30 2022