So what do you think? Wow. It's for you, right? It's for both of us. Don't go away. Don't worry. There's not enough blood left in my legs to go anywhere. Hey, it's Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep. Listen, you lousy S O B, I will not be treated like this. Either you call me or you are going to be very, very sorry. I love you, monkey man. Charlie. Who is that? Damn... Telemarketers. A telemarketer who calls you Monkey Man? I'm on some weird list. Okay. It's a woman I went out with once and she got a little clingy. You are a bad, bad boy. And yet you're always the one getting spanked. Geez. Hey, it's Charlie. Do your thing when you hear the beep. Uh, Charlie, it's Alan. Uh. Your brother. No big deal. Just wanted to touch base. My. My wife threw me out, and I'm kind of losing the will to live. So when you get a chance, I'd really love to. Oh, I don't know. Hey, Alan. I'm sorry to hear about that. Uh, so, are you going to go to a hotel? Wow. Well, yeah, I guess you could stay here. Okay. I'll see you when you get here. We better hurry. Oh, is she staying over? Because I may have parked behind her. Let's see. What else? Oh, okay. Here's one of the first things your Uncle Charlie wrote. Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Huh? What do you think? Must have been before my time. Okay. We're done here. Hey, hey, hey, don't put your juice box on the piano. It leaves a ring. How could a box leave a ring? Gotta run to the grocery store. I'm gonna need somebody to fold these clothes. I don't know if the grocery store is the first place I'd go for that, but good luck. Oh, remember, you're being punished. So no TV, no computer, no Game Boy. Charlie, I need you to be my eyes and ears, okay? But you have to be my liver and prostate. Whoa! Whose is this? Uh, Charlie, uh, you want to field that one? No problem. Jake, sometimes when you have a casual sexual relationship. All right, all right. Jake. We take in strangers laundry because we're poor. I'll be back in an hour. Start folding. No TV. What'd you get busted for? Painting my room at mom's house. What's wrong with that? Ten years old. Hey, how about a little sock golf? What's that? Okay, here's how it works. The living room is a dogleg par four. That means you have to get your sock into the kitchen sink in four strokes or less. Okay. Play for a quarter, a hole. Your handicap is obvious. You're short and you've never heard of the Ninja Turtles. All right. Keep your knees bent, your arms straight and swing easy. Oh, man, I'm being hustled. Play for less if you want. Don't get cocky. There's 17 more holes. If you've got bugs. If you've got ants. If you've got bugs and flies and slugs and things that crawl. Through here. Mom! Come see my room. I'll be right there, honey. Hey, Uncle Charlie. Hi, Shorty. Hello, Charlie. Hi, Judith. What are you doing here? If you must know, I'm here to help Jake set up his room so he feels like nothing's changed. Really? You don't think I noticed that his dad's living here and his mom's dating chicks? Could you say that a little louder? Jake might not have heard you. And just for the record, I'm not dating anyone. And I threw your brother out because he was sucking the life out of me. Could you say that a little louder? Uncle Charlie hasn't met Porky yet. I don't suppose that's a rubenesque 19 year old girl? Porky's his pet guinea pig. You're bringing vermin into my house. Uncle Charlie. Check him out. Isn't he awesome? Yeah. See those little black things? That's his poop. Awesome. They don't want him in the water this weekend. He might have an ear infection. Oh, mom. Oh, no. It's okay, pal, we can go to Disneyland. We'll have a great weekend. We can. We can play miniature golf. We can go bowling, bike riding, whatever you want. Alan, relax. You're starting to sound like a tampon commercial. Jake, why don't you go put Porky in your room? Okay! Alan I'm very concerned. He's just a child. I don't know if he can deal with this. Oh, give your son some credit. He's an incredible kid. I was talking about you. That's fair. Yeah. Charlie. Honey. Wake up. Good morning. You lied to me, Charlie. You said it was just going to be the two of us. I didn't lie, Berta. Things change. Goodbye, Charlie. Don't leave me, Berta. I love you. Can we talk about this? I'm sorry. I do single men only. I'm in. I'm out. There are no complications. But I am single. Uh, Berta. I hate to bring this up again, but you just. You cannot put the peanut butter in the refrigerator. It gets hard. And. And on a related subject, the peanut butter stains on Jake's shirts really require an enzyme presoak. I hope you two will be very happy together. Who's going to take care of me? Who's going to do the laundry and the shopping and the cleaning and all the other stuff? Ask the scrubbing bubble there. Uncle Charlie. Why is Berta leaving? Why? Doesn't matter, Jake. What matters is she's gone. And we're all going to die. Never mix tequila and scotch. Morning, Uncle Charlie. Hey, Jake, Buddy. Dad said you'd never get up to go to soccer with me, but I said yeah, he promised. So he is Wrong. Ha ha. Yeah! Hahaha! What? Uh, you know, most of the parents wear shorts and lots of sunscreen, but that's another way to go. Alan, I can't go to a soccer game. I just got home from Vegas. You went out last night to return a video. Yeah, but I ran into a friend of mine who was getting married at the Bellagio. Oh, that explains the tuxedo. No, I think this was for something else entirely. Well, I'm sure I'll read about it in the paper. Uh, anyway, I am the soccer snack buddy this week, so I've got to stop at the grocery store. Why don't you ride to the game with Jake when the van gets here, huh? I got a better idea. Why don't I go upstairs and throw up and sleep in my clothes for 12 hours? Fine. But if you're not going to come, you got to tell Jake yourself. Fine. He'll understand. Hey, Jake. I got new cleats. Nice. Uh, listen. Jake, buddy. Have you ever been to Vegas? So you're the infamous Uncle Charlie. I've heard about you. Hey. Hey Uncle Charlie. How was your game? Uh, musician's softball league is a joke. Guy's trying to catch stuff that isn't there. People throwing up on an easy double play ball. So why do you go? There's an open bar, and they let me pitch. Well, I've got to get dressed. Uh, I was going to throw this toast out, but it's yours if you want it. When did I become the family dog? Hey, Jake. What's this? A phone message? Yeah. Some lady called for you. Who? I can't read your writing. You're a big, selfish jerk. Okay, I know who this is. Amy. Probably Amy. Yep. Amy. She wants you to call her back. Yeah. That'll happen. Why not? Because I never said I'd call her back. Remember this, Jake. Never make promises to women that you don't intend to keep. And you know how you do that. Always keep my promises? That might work. A better way is never make promises. What happens if Amy calls again? Okay, I'm glad you asked that. When the phone rings in Uncle Charlie's house, we don't just willy nilly pick up the receiver and answer it. No, what we do is we check the caller ID. And only pick up if we want to talk to that person. Like mom. That depends. Your mom? Yes. My mom? No. How come you don't want to talk to your mom? I'll tell you all about that when you're old enough to drink. What if I want to talk to your mom? Okay, that kind of attitude is going to break down the whole system. I have my own room at mom's house, too. My dad doesn't. His stuff's in the garage. You know to play vampire hunter? Because I just got it. No, sorry. You got to chop off their heads. Otherwise they'll keep coming at you. Do you know where your uncle keeps the paper towels? I think there's some up there. Whoa! Whoa. Hi. You must be Alan. I'm Cindy. Hi. Uh, hey. Uh, Jake. It's time to get dressed. Wait a minute. Can you get me a bowl from that top shelf? That's good. Let's go. What happened to 'breakfast is the most important meal of the day'?. Just go get dressed. Currently, there is a half naked woman in our kitchen. Which half? Hey, Cindy. Hey, Charlie. How you doing? Not bad. How about yourself? Pretty good. Thanks again. I'll, uh. I'll see you soon. Anytime. Bye. How you doing? Thanks again. Charlie, casual sex is one thing, but this is just lazy. What are you talking about? I didn't have sex with her. She just surfs out on the point, uses my shower and goes to work. So you're not sleeping with her? Jeez, Alan, I don't sleep with every buff surfer chick that uses my shower. What kind of guy do you think I am? I think you're the luckiest bastard to walk the face of the earth. But that's not my point. I don't want women flashing their butt tattoos at my son. Cindy has a tattoo? Yes, a butterfly. Huh. Right cheek or left? Wait, don't tell me. I want to be surprised. So you're not sleeping with her, but you want to. Well, yeah. Kind of guy do you think I am? Charlie. When I moved in here, I said that it was vital that we create a wholesome atmosphere for Jake. And you said, I understand. Alan. There's something you should know about me. When I say I understand, it doesn't mean I agree. It doesn't mean I understand. It doesn't even mean I'm listening. Then why do you say it? It seems to make people happy. And that's what I'm all about. Well, that's very altruistic, but I would prefer if you'd just be straight with me. Fine. All I'm asking is that you keep in mind that we have an impressionable ten year old boy living here. I understand, thank you. This is where I sit. Right on. Good location. What else? That's a sink. If you put your thumb over the hole, you could squirt water all the way over to the other side of the room. Cool. I'm not allowed to use the sink anymore. Got it. So what's the deal with your teacher . Miss Tuttle? She's very strict. That could work. Did you see this drawing our son made? It's a cry for his parents to get back together. Alan, it's Davy Crockett at the Alamo. I know. It breaks your heart, doesn't it? I see you got your brother here. Yeah, he wasn't thrilled about it, but he can't say no to Jake. And I kind of implied that Miss Tuttle was a bit of a freak. Excuse me. Hey, you wanted me to get him here? He's here. The rest is up to you. So come on. Are you gonna introduce me? What for? Well, she's your teacher. You're my nephew. I feel like. Oh, come on, just do it. Don't you want to see my model of a California mission? It's made of sugar cubes. Okay, first your mission, then mine. May I have everyone's attention? Hello, I'm Judith Harper, the class mom. I just want to thank you all for coming. This is a great turnout. Give yourselves a hand. Thank you. I understand your teachers are sadly underpaid. That's very true. Well, I'd like to do my part. Can I buy you dinner? So please feel free to put your name on the sign up sheets if you're available for carpools, Coaching, field trips. Charlie Harper. Jake's uncle, mentor, pal. Shhh. And finally, and this is a biggie, folks. It looks as if we're going to have to cancel our annual music show for our fourth graders. Unless someone with music experience volunteers to help us out. Anyone? Anyone at all? Charlie? Yeah. Thank you. Charlie Harper, everyone. What?
