B: Say 'Hi, Intrepid Heroes!' (everybody begins to say hello, but the bit turns into everyone singing one long, monotone note) Is this like that movie, 'Cocoon?' Or 'The Fly?' Is this like that show 'Wife Swap?' Everyone get in the fucking comments, rats honk when you throw them! I hope he makes you a slippery nipple every night before you go to bed. She said she want to fuck the Pringles guy, so... You see that that big thing of shit goes (in a very wet way) "I wanna talk to my lawyer..." "I wanna talk to my lawyer!" I lick my son's face. (brennan slurping) Have you told anyone else about your dad? I'm gonna go out and find some pigeons, see if there's any horny pigeons out there. Kings, you do have, and what's more, they're thick and beefy boys. L: ...that is normally at this table. Put that tongue back in your fucking mouth. A: Put that tongue deep in your mouth. Perry, you know what? Let's not mix business and pleasure, I know we have strong feelings for each other but we have to work together through this deep sexual tension. Uh, the original Saint Nicholas, of course, died a long long time ago. He was killed by the Catholic Church during the dark ages as a heretic- Z: Uh huh.
B: Uh... of course. L: Oh wow, he's holding up the d6s so we can see.
M: He's looking for some coins. (everyone chattering) S: You fucking maniac.
A: You're sick. S: Honestly? See somebody, dude.
M: You're fucking sick, man. Uh... hey bud, this is a construction zone, I'm gonna have to kill you. I saw a snake fuck its own asshole with its head. Cool, was it... consensual? (brennan quickly mumbling mathematical terms) (everyone yelling) I found out if you microwave cheese on a plate, you can peel it off and it's like a crispy... like a crispy cracker. Oh boy... L: Somebody stop him!
Z: Stop it! (everyone yelling) Z: Stop it! (brennan slurping again) I will... I'm gonna fuck you one day. L: What weird homebrew bullshit is this, you fuck? Your axe glows bright and the power of civic responsibility flows through your veins. I'm attracted to you, I'm sexually attracted to you. Darling, I'm sexually attracted to you, too. Lo soy, la gran gata de la tienda de la esquina. Me gusta mucho! (ally and brennan trading hissing) Let's be real right now. Lowell, how many times have you come up here with stuff in your butt? Four times. Four times... I'll show up, you tell them you're my dog and then... and then that way everybody has a merry Christmas. E: You are a sick son of a bitch. Gonna kill that dog. (brennan sobbing) It's Ricky, he's so hot, I wanna fuck him so bad! E: Yay! We're all the adults who were friends with a rat. E: Yeah. I'm the one who-
Z: We were five adults... human beings who were... wanted to be friends with a rat. Wally, I'm your dad! What? I'm a- Do you... can you see me? Rat Jesus? I'm... it's- You're my dad? The beefiest boys come charging out of the subway- Oh... they're so fucking beefy. (emily mouthing something to murph that probably has something to do with eating the Bagel of All Things) Uh... where are- where is your haircut place? It's on Staten Island- Okay, have a good one! Let's kill Titania!
(siobhan starts singing hurriedly) (everyone talking over each other) Z: Did you burn your house down? E: I did. A: Santa gets keyed up and lunges into the dream tornado- Is anyone vaguely concerned that uh... we're gonna be going into a wedding we aren't technically invited to with a bag of remains? We're invited! So I guess I'll just paint my house a new shade of... lime green, I'm sorry! Hey Pete, I bless you with the blessings of uh... some pigeons who died near a church. Take a seat.
(brennan winces heavily) What's in your butt? (brennan slowly and loudly releases air) I'm good. No... ...and begins to take a solid, stationary form. Please be Donald Trump, please be Donald Trump. A: Are you crying? Am I riding a dirty, crying eagle? This is Democracy Now! I send her a selfie of me with the fire and I'm like, "Just finishing up here, on the way." B: Guys, when I kicked over all the figurines, that was a total Ally move. A: Okay, I am like... so athletic! What are you gonna order, a flat white? The only 'flat white' around here is gonna be you! Stop- Uh... I just text Sofia a picture of- just a selfie of me and her burned down house but also going... I have being trying to fuck that man for forty years! Aye, New York's bravest, man. I love it, it's great. You know, it's funny 'cause the other day, I was talking- they got a- Yeah? (brennan choking) B: Santa bursts through the portal, reaches into his bag, AH! and takes an eight-foot lance of peppermint and hurls it at the American Dream. Brennan, it'd be so fun if you did it though... (everyone talks over each other) S: Daddy, please! Please let us stay up late! L: Come on, Daddy- As a Lady Gaga fan, I might accidentally say 'Alejandro' multiple times. ...now I'm the crazy old woman who's got a cat she loves and is shopping for self-help books in a drug store and I gotta pocket full of... santas that spit up colourful red and green M&Ms. You guys see Misty and this giant moon start really kinda going at it- Who wants to go to the North Pole and see a bunch of elves with iPads? Just the juiciest fucking cockroach you've ever seen, one that ate a bunch of... shit in somebody's apartment. E: Couldn't it just be a normal cockroach?
M: No- I am not doing well... on the inside. Sir, you absolutely can't be renovating in here, you haven't gotten the proper clearances! Our lives suck ass anyway. B: We prefer death! My daughter, she fell in love with a bird. Love is love! You, Babe Ruth, Sully Sullenberger, Ruth Bader Ginsburg and Carl Sagan play a little bit of catch- The Big Boo- sorry, the Big... uhhh... What was it? The Big Book of Bi- The Big- The Big Book... The Big Book of Bits and Bobbins? They're a proud people, alright? Yes, this is a magical crown. Whether or not it's been up a single individual's butthole is hard to say... It's more of a quad really, it's like an ATV but instead of wheels, it's arms. ...and you see they say, "We're all named Estevan!" Cockrash, I summon thee! (everyone groans) Now I'm... now I'm ready to fuck. (brennan singing) Silent night- (explosion noises) No act of magic could be stronger than making the MTA run on a timely schedule. Is Santa dead? Did somebody shoot Santa?! I don't know, dude, I'm not... I'm not religious! I'm just so inspired by that beautiful penis. Which Book of Bits and Bobbins? The Time Gnome's Book of Bits and Bobbins. No, but is it the little one or the big one? L: Nah, it's the big book, it's the big book.
E: It's the big book, the Big Book of Bits and Bobbins. E: Not the Bitty Book of Bits and Bobbins. Most pigeons are exactly the same level of stupid... Okay. ...and Ronald Pigeon just comes from a good pigeon family. Hey guys, we're gonna do to Denny's, we're gonna pay with these Spanish dabloons! It's fine, fuck me. Go, goddammit. Z: You sure? Alright!
M: You stupid kid. Go, you goddamn beautiful boy, you fucker. You absolute asshole. (brennan imitating choking on bubbles) Z: Do you... Are you covered in pee, by any chance? Only my own... ...and Stephen Sondheim riding a bear uh... busts through the curtain. Let me tell you about my good friend, John Wilkes Booth. He was- (brennan screaming and growling) You're so cute. (ally scatting like a maniac) Goin' downtown. Hey, taxi! Where do I go? Pete, what are you doing? What?! I go to... I go and I have a really loud, obvious conversation at the, umm... at the deli counter at a supermarket where I know that there's closed-circuit tv so that I have an alibi. Your baby's covered in hair and everyone's upset. Hi, I'm the cab driver of this car! Yes, you are... (whispering) Make a perception check...
