-Welcome, welcome, welcome.
Welcome to "The Tonight Show." You're here.
Thank you for watching. Thank you for being here.
This is very exciting. Tomorrow night's
Powerball jackpot is one of the biggest in history
at $1.4 billion, by the way. Yeah.
Yeah, $1.4 billion, which is also the number
of couples dressing as Barbie and Ken for Halloween.
[ Laughter ] "You're doing it, too.
I thought we were the only..." [ Laughter ]
Did you guys see this? Here in New York City
for the second weekend in a row there's a heavy chance of rain
and flash flooding. [ Audience groans ] Honestly, when it comes
to getting flashed in New York City,
this is the best-case scenario. [ Laughter ]
I will say that. You can tell a storm is coming 'cause this morning
on the way to work, I saw a rat with a beard
building a tiny ark. And I go, "That's usually
a sign that the storm's coming." [ Laughter ] I always go to the rats.
I go -- Yeah. So, movie news today. 50 years after
the original film was released, "The Exorcist: Believer"
hit theaters. Yeah, so if you want to see
someone spit up pea soup, you can either watch
"The Exorcist" or "The Golden Bachelor." [ Laughter ]
It's up to you. "He's had enough.
He's full. Stop feeding him." Speaking of "The Golden
Bachelor," last night, there was an all-new episode. And if you haven't seen it,
the show is pretty different from the regular "Bachelor." It's a great show,
but it's different. -Really?
-Yeah, well, like on the regular "Bachelor," the limo drops off
each contestant, but on "The Golden Bachelor," the limo always has
its left turn signal on. [ Laughter ] There's differences between --
Yeah. -Yeah. [ Applause ] Let me give you another example. On the regular "Bachelor," "I'm falling in love with you," but on "The Golden Bachelor," "I've fallen in love with you and I can't get up." [ Laughter ] [ Cheers and applause ] Up next on "The Bachelor," everyone is too young
to be on "The Golden Bachelor," but on "The Golden Bachelor," everyone is too young
to run for president. Yeah, not -- not quite yet. It's very close. Next on "The Bachelor," Jesse Palmer is the host, but on "The Golden Bachelor," Jesse Palmer
is the emergency contact. [ Laughter ] Next up on "The Bachelor," one-on-one date to go on a hike.
Ooh. On "The Golden Bachelor,"
one-on-one date to the Apple store
because Gerry somehow switched his iPhone
to Portuguese. "I can't underst--" Finally the regular "Bachelor,"
streaming on Hulu, but "The Golden Bachelor"
is streaming on Flomax. There you go.
The shows are different. The shows are different shows. [ Cheers and applause ] Well, switching gears,
according to a new report, right after he left office, former President Trump
shared classified information about nuclear submarines
with an Australian businessman. [ Audience "oohs" ] But Trump denied it.
He was like, "That's impossible. I don't even
speak Australian." [ Laughter ] Some business news. Crocs just announced that they
are releasing cowboy boots. This is real.
[ Laughter ] Can we -- Can we see a photo
of these things? This is real. [ Laughter ] -Ooh-wee! -Oh.
-It's amazing. For the first time in one shoe, it is the good,
the bad, and the ugly. It's un-- It's hard to be taken seriously
as a cowboy. Every time you walk into a
saloon it sounds like this. [ Shoes squeaking loudly ] Hey, I saw that Travis Kelce
said the NFL might be going
a little overboard talking about his relationship
with Taylor Swift. And I think the NFL
heard him, because I just saw a promo
for Sunday's Chiefs game and it seems like they're back
to focusing on football, not who's in the stands. Well, watch this. -This Sunday, Patrick Mahomes and the defending Super Bowl
champion Kansas City Chiefs head to Minneapolis
to take on Kirk Cousins and the Vikings --
kickoff at 4:25. -Yeah, I like that.
It's very professional. -Yeah. That's very professional.
-And respectful. And -- Hold on.
I'm being told there's a new promo out
for Sunday's game. -Really?
-Let's take a look at this one. -This Sunday, it's Chiefs
at Vikings featuring Mahomes, Cousins, Kelce,
and who knows who else? We'll let you fill in
the blank space. [ Chuckles ]
Kickoff at 4:25. -Now, I can sort
of see a little bit -- [ Cheers and applause ]
No, I mean, there's still... They teased it a little, but
it's still focused on football. You know, so that's so --
I'm sorry. I'm being told
there's another new promo. This is -- It's out right now.
It's fresh. Here it is. -Listen up, bitches! It's Chiefs versus
who the [bleep] cares? Tay Tay is gonna slay slay
all day day! It'll be cray cray! Mahomes is going to wear
a friendship bracelet while he does his teddies to
Taylor's new bae bae, Tray Tray! But you won't even see the game. 'cause we're keeping
the camera on Taylor the whole [bleep] time! The Chiefs
just scored a touchdown? Who gives a [bleep]?! Mother just took a sip
from her drink! -Hydrate!
-S-S-Slurp! She is our queen,
and we are her peasants! Kickoff at 4:25. [ Cheers and applause ] -On NBC. On NBC this Sunday, yeah. Finally, this week,
the city of Indianapolis experienced an unusual problem.
Watch this. -People living in Indianapolis
are on monkey watch. Here's why. A pet monkey owned
by a private citizen escaped. -Some other neighbors had said
it bit a couple of people. Then I was outside,
and it ran up in my garage, pinned me against the door. -The monkey was last seen
in far east Indianapolis, drinking a beer
out of a trash can. [ Laughter ] -From the creators
of "Cocaine Bear" comes... [ Laughter ]
..."Beer Monkey"! [ Cheers and applause ]
-[ Laughs ] -Thank you. But, you know, today's Friday. You know, let's kick off
the weekend with something fun. You know, let's -- let's
catch up on some e-mails. -Right.
-It's our first week back. -Yeah.
-You know, I want to thank everybody for what a great week
of shows we had here. -Grateful to be back. -Maybe I'll send out
some thank-you notes. -Really?
-If you guys -- [ Cheers and applause ] Can do them right now? Do
you mind if I do it right now? Thank you so much.
-Wow. -James...can I get some thank-you-note-writing music,
please? [ Somber music playing ]
Wow. -Wow. He's happy to be back. -A little rusty.
He's a little rusty. [ Laughter ] -Meep! ♪♪ -Thank you, Bed Bath $ Beyond, for dressing up
as Spirit Halloween this year. [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] -[ Chuckles ]
-[ Laughs ] -Oh, it's beyond. ♪♪ -Thank you, Las Vegas Sphere, for looking like Epcot
going through an emo phase. [ Laughter, applause ] Don't talk to me! You're not my real dad! [ Laughter ] -[ Laughs ] ♪♪ -Thank you, TSA body scanners, for making me feel like
I can't get on the plane unless I do the "M" in "YMCA." [ Applause ] -Pat down. ♪♪ -Thank you, fish sticks, for being perfect for anyone
who ate a mozzarella stick and thought, "If only
this tasted like carp." [ Laughter ] [ Applause ] ♪ I can dream ♪ ♪ Can't I dream? ♪ ♪♪ Thank you, clear umbrellas, for pranking the rain
into thinking it's gonna get me. [ Laughter,
cheers and applause ] [ Indistinct ] -Whew! [ Indistinct ] -[ Laughs ]
-Hoo! [ Laughs ] -Alright. ♪♪ Thank you, Hershey's Halloween
variety packs, for single-handedly
keeping Mr. Goodbar alive. -Aw.
[ Applause ] -What? What? what?
-Come on! I'm looking for Mr. Goodbar! -I don't see it much. ♪♪ Thank you, trying to help
my children with their homework, for being
a tough but fair reminder of why I got into comedy. There you have it, everybody.
Those are my thank-you notes.
