TLLS Craig Ferguson - 2013.04.30 - Larry The Cable Guy, Abigail Spencer

good evening everyone i know what you're thinking craig why are you sitting there at your desk don't you usually stand up at the start of the show so we can appreciate your long lovely legs and maybe sneak a look at your uh pants and they are nice paint they are nice here's the problem uh if you can't tell already the lighting is apparently out and half of the this whole part of the studio here is all there's no room for an audience there's a leak uh apparently i don't understand there's been a drought in l.a for like two months what's the leak from the the air conditioning unit i didn't know we had an air conditioner we have an air conditioner that's been leaking water all the lights are dangerous people can't sit there there's not enough light over there for me to stand there there's barely enough light for me to be here uh the horses in twilight out there jeff you're i like the way that they put a rack of coats next to the floor yeah this is great man what's happening with you why the robot that runs on electricity is over by the side where the friggin leak is what i'm saying is that i know what you're thinking craig this show is usually a mess and i agree it usually is but tonight it's going to be an unholy mess i mean it's going to be bad tonight very very bad worse than usual and i for one i'm delighted what about you i can't wait i think it's going to be sensational but the audience don't really think that so much oh but you know what happened though you know when i said uh we don't have any room for the there's like 25 people not lesbian role isn't there i know look at that lesbian free and i don't mean lesbian free in a good way as in lesbians be free just let no less be nobody that's that's a terrible show yeah but i i had an idea you know why we don't have a band yeah well behind the curtain look what we did take away the curtains hello everyone uh that's uh that's the audience that would have been sitting over there sitting next to tiny little drew carey who's interviewing a giant uh justin bieber head and a monkey or or those are huge people oh yeah they're enormous we couldn't fit them in look look at them compared to normal-sized drew carey holy crap anyway this is going to be a rough one so uh so we'll take a commercial break if anyone still uh you know wants a commercial it's probably a fail right and when we come back we'll press on and i don't mean press on like some kind of you know oh no wait uh you know we'll just uh we'll keep we'll keep going the show must go on the show i actually don't believe that but cbs does uh i'm glad that we got such an animated bunch of people to sit over there as well next to the uh these people are clearly they're going crazy yeah they're addicted they're going crazy are you wearing a flashlight strap yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah we'll be right back every day we'll be right back with the high play show can okay the just late show with craig ferguson sponsored by move free ultra joint health support in one tiny field back emily welcome back to the show if you're just joining us i'm sorry oh uh no i have to do the whole thing like it's a regular show yeah yeah all right welcome to los angeles california welcome to the late late show i'm your host stephen craig franklin please audience please we're so rowdy you know everything's broken here right the lights are broken there's half of the audience has to sit over there next to tiny drew carey everything's going wrong but luckily the audience seemed to be on our side they're not really anyway it's a great day for america everybody yeah they are not a great day for uh lesbian row and the people that we're going to sit over there they can't sit over there is that crime scene tape the hill what's going on what's that the hell is someone taking the lead going on what's that is that is that for real or did you add that for so because you know what here's what i don't want tonight i don't want your help all right don't add little comedy thing it's bad enough man do you believe this you're trying to add production now to this show yeah it's like i'll tell you what we've got the sound of water dripping so we'll just add it that'll help them you know what that reminds me of that it's like people that heckle a stand up and then say i was helping you man that's right yeah you're not helping the stand-up when you heckle them like stand-up comedians when they get their act going you're a stand-up right sure right you get out there people go oh you suck and the guy on stage isn't going oh this is really great this is really helping me you're not funny there's no lighting for half of your audience never mind i'll i'll be able to like the entire audience when i get the tonight show are you kidding me i can't even get my own show i can't even get a little look at the poor horses out there it's not even it's not even daylight outside that's weird because it is daylight outside it's really creepy and the light is not working over there either the sun isn't working i'm very i feel very sad for the audience that's sitting over there with uh but i've got great news audience that's been moved you know that they've been they've been moved yeah they've been they've been they're displaced they're displaced people yeah yeah they're like like nomadic or some sort of thing well uh tied and lisa have brought snacks well they've got snacks so yet and lisa with snacks everybody i have to say i have to say things are starting to look a little better for the displaced audience and the audience who have behaved themselves and sat in their regular seats yeah they're looking a little surly yeah they're getting startled i would i want to send to yen and lisa up there with snacks but i daren't well they don't want to get you there's a danger of electrocution up there oh glad you're laughing we could be electrocuted so we i don't even know what we should do tonight when we do tweets and emails what do we do yeah we just hang out you know you know all right we're just hanging out all right well uh what's going on with you no things are good man you uh you're doing some work at the house you putting in those shelves or what's going on with that i don't i don't pull up shelves and stuff you said you were gonna build like a library or something no i didn't i did i could if i could build anything i'd build a studio that worked man if i if i if i was in any way good with my hands i'm good with my fingers and when i say that i mean sexually but i'm not oh yeah oh yeah you may well applaud you may well applaud it's a thing it's a thing that i when i came over from europe i brought with me sexual techniques that drive american women wild but i can't put up any shelves you get someone else to do it for you maybe if i could get someone else to do it for me i'd have got it done they put crime scene tape up and then added a special effect noise to help me that's that's the way and then they put all these quotes in front and they put these coats in front of the fire which that's a fire hazard right there so not only will i be electrocuted i will catch on fire from these coats behind me well i think i think the logic is you're already dead so it can't be that bad no no i'm i'm glad you cared man you know i was here for you i was here for you no no i i'm not saying i suggested to you that i don't have any look if i had any say we'd have cancelled the show and put on a cartoon that's right that's right you can't use your fingers that do wonders in the bedroom to move your friend from one side of the studio to the other i got it i got it i don't want to damage my fingers i use them for sexual experimentation quite lovely well aren't you on wheels or something why don't you you're a robot why don't you move i can't move myself man really no that's sad have you got some sad music for jeff no music no there you go oh yeah no you know what you know don't bother don't bother with the sad music don't bother with it you clearly were more excited about your drippy noise to put in the stop the drippy noise it's not funny nobody likes it it just makes it just makes everyone want to go to the bathroom and the demographic of this show at cbs anybody watching cbs already wants to go to the bathroom anyway our demographic is going to the bathroom right now in their diapers i don't know i didn't ask for it they clearly you know they've gone crazy over there overcompensating with putting in things that we don't want all these years no one pressing buttons now they're pressing every friggin button in that controller i wish they would press the button that would make the lights work and the studio not leak and you know for it to be daytime outside that poor horse is scared look i don't know if you can tell it's kind of dark over there do you have a camera outside it's not even dark outside yeah look there's outside so let me get this straight why not why not just make the hole in the roof bigger and the light from outside will light the studio what the hell is wrong with you people this would never happen if i wasn't an immigrant you know that don't be right back every day we'll be right back welcome back everybody welcome back to the show where tonight we're going crazy aren't we out of control just wearing a flashlight a group of giant people over there next to tiny little drew carey look at that over there that's lovely no no wait it's weird you notice that the audience up there doesn't want to applaud the audience over there they'll applaud about anything but they don't want to applaud the audience over there because they think the audience over there is over privileged because tuyen and lisa brought them snacks that's true but here's the thing the audience over there are safe you have imminent death to look forward to because electricity might get you kind of an upstairs downstairs thing yeah it is it's like it's like downton abbey yeah it's like downton abbey these are the people that live up in the you know the lord and lady part and these are the the downstairs servants very attractive uh yeah i like the servants here here what you be doing with my blouse master here i i didn't know this was part of my job i'll never you mind that just sit up here by this leaky air conditioning unit what's an air conditioning unit isn't it 1914. i didn't all over your shirt that's the way oh i see what you're doing yeah sure yeah yeah you're getting that like the house made or blows away all right right i'll be the hostage here my blouses get wide oh what a shame we should get you out of that right quick yeah yes we probably should mask master is that no last it was like i dream of genie yeah a little bit yeah anyway what time is it jeffrey it's street mail time brought to you by cbs plumbing if your show's on after 12 35 a.m you'll be waiting a while don't applaud i'm worried about the structural integrity of the building bring it down at any minute i feel it buckling a bit what the building or yeah it might be all right okay uh this is oh let's do a jingle oh yeah are you ready yeah tweet an email hey you know what you guys uh tweet an email talk oh yeah these people have been living on snacks snacks that you and i have paid for america these we go to work we pay our taxes and these fat cats sit here taking our snacks and enjoying our hospitality and the looks from the horse this is the thanks we get one guy in the background going yeah yeah pathetic he probably works here yeah probably yeah uh this is from dean uh thanks dean uh i can't read it i can't read there's no light i know what it looks like at home there's light there's no real light i can't see a thing who's there craig is that you craig yes it's me jeff where where are you craig i'm speaking to you from the beyond you passed away during the show craig no jeff you did jeff and now i'm speaking to you from the other side the only thing is you're on the other side that's the dead side and i'm on the alive side but you might be getting mixed up because i sound like i'm talking from the dad's side i am so confused um this is from susan and elizabeth new jersey have you ever been there beautiful what a tone what's your favorite part of elizabeth love the grass nice i think what i like i like that when you go to a sporting event or a television studio in elizabeth new jersey where the bleachers are there they use all of them all of them yeah yeah they don't keep a section aside for electricity and water to pour on too dangerous and then and then say to me you've got to do the show this was the conversation they came to me and they said hey look the studio is like there's a good chance the whole thing might go up but the audience team game was it wasn't like like yeah and i said well hey heck if the folks want to show i'll put one on i didn't say that like an old showbiz pep talk is that yo look craig you got to do it you got to do it craig the people are waiting for you got to get out there see now that was weird that got a laugh from them but nothing from there what the hell man that is very bizarre this must be a completely rich fat cats love your humor yeah but regular hard-working americans can't stand your smug attitude buddy well to you and the audience i say kiss my ass and to you over there i say thank you right well you woke him up anyway that's good for you susan and elizabeth says dear craig and jeff i like it when you guys play harmonica but i feel ripped off when i don't get to see one of your jingles can't you do both uh no geez that was really picky though we're not taking requests yeah that's like can you guys dance for us this is from lacey in peoria illinois you ever been there beautiful place what about illinois yeah that too dear craig and jeff how come the horse is always facing you maybe you should give some air time to the backside yeah maybe we should maybe tonight's the night come on let's see it so we'll be right back welcome back everybody welcome back to the show where apparently this part is lit just that part yeah yeah can you see me oh yeah can you see what i got going on oh yeah my first guest tonight is a very funny comedian his third season of only in america with larry the cable guy premieres on may the 8th that's a clue to who he is yeah yeah me from the history channel take a look at this is this oh boy hey larry the cable guy uh you couldn't do you still know how to work cables can you go up there and fix that one thing i can't figure out it's not even raining outside i know i don't know where the apparently the moisture is part of the air conditioning unit there's a large block of ice out up there that slowly melts and keeps the building cool or did you know that is also right where the toilet is that i used about an hour ago did you do anything that might be frightening or was it just evidently yeah evidently are you are you any good with your right maybe you should go up there and do something come on you're right this is the first time i have been worried about a drip since college i gotta say no that's all right may i two things one college you went to college you believe that yeah i did i went to uh funny craig i went i went to devry and i majored in ology at devry triwology i've done that it was awesome no i did go to college actually uh i was a big history buff and that's why i'm glad on that's why i'm glad i i was a big history buff and that's why i'm glad that i'm on the history channel i got to tell this story my freshman year in college i had to do a paper and i was always fascinated since you brought it up i was always fascinated by pornography i never talked about pornography i have two pictures of you anyway i was always fascinated by pornography and i said to myself one day i'm going to do a paper on the history of pornography so i sat down at the computer one sunday afternoon huh looked up some pornography punched in next thing i know it's tuesday i know and don't you touch me where have your dirty hands be don't worry i didn't use that hand okay all right don't don't you you got to use your regular hand that's all i'm saying well yeah and you know what's good listen i actually have a trimmer in my left hand i really do i'm not mad look that's an actual that's now what's hold on i go like this i'm pretty good and then i go like that my hands shift that's the true deal are you are you left under the ring left-handed so oh so yeah there you go the first time in my life i had to write with my right hand the other day because i couldn't keep my left hand straight i think some pixelation might have come into play there now you're telling me about you is it a genetic thing is it hey man how are you good well that's the pervert right there he's not a pervert he's just standing there in the dark and the flash is a he's a piece of metal pervert the last time i was here after the show he was out in the parking lot prius that was that was me i i was checking them out because you know i've seen if that you know that whole hybrid thing works it doesn't really how are you tell me about the show you go around and do what uh the strip no well you know the funny thing about the show is i wanted to do and honestly i want to do a positive show about america right that's what i wanted to do this is a great show because america is in my opinion we have the best culture of any country after everybody wants to come here so we're full of different cultures and so i immerse myself in everybody's culture i let everybody see what's going on everywhere else i meet great people uh we do interesting things we were doing the shipping of the chippendales and that's why i was doing that and i've uh since changed the name to the chunkin dales sorry i'm sorry you had to see that clip no seriously you know what sorry about that no people people like a man with a bit of meat that's true although i have to say it looks to me like you've got a little less meat on you than the last time i saw you i had yeah you dropped a little bit well was it the dad's here's the uh i didn't lose any on that dance are you kidding me right after that dance i think i ate like three chunks of cream pies but uh but uh yeah no i have lost weight i'm kind of here's what i am i'm like oprah did you pass gas there is that what that was cause we can we could probably add the special effect that was like oh man that's what i should have yeah yeah go and try it again try it again hold on all right but what i do is perfect no what was i talking about you know it's interesting these people like that joke but these people over here but i was but i'm like oprah i get fat in the winter and i lose weight in the summertime all right and uh i think that's a bear that's not hope but does oprah sleep through the winter i don't i think she hibernates i'm pretty sure i mean she goes like and then it's springtime but you all then i here's the deal the history channel the last three years i've put on about 40 pounds doing that show and so when the show's over i got to lose weight all right and that's how that works how do you put on weight during the show because you go around to parts of america and enjoy the cuisine of different people that's all we do is when you watch this show we're doing like road trips through different states and every time they show me in the van i'm eating a box of vanilla wafers and so i think that's how i put on my weight why don't you just show the same show over and over again and just shoot it once and then you don't have to eat the vanilla waivers all the time i wish i could do that yeah yeah i'll be honest what's the weirdest thing you ever ate what's the the like the the most odd thing you've ever had in your mouth pumpkin flavored eating panties i didn't know you could get those in pumpkin you get them in pumpkin yes you can pumpkin flavored eating panties yeah that's right is that a real thing like eating pennies yeah eating pants yeah you ever seen eating underwear that you eat you never seen that why would you eat underwear they're edible underwear i don't want to eat it it's sexy it's not sexy not mine you see my underwear you're like i'm not eating that i wouldn't want to eat your under britches right oh you mean ladies undergarments yeah you've never seen edible underwear no sir i have pete's sake i got for valentine's day i got my wife five pair and uh but i ended up eating three pair on the way back to the house they're good they're good hey welcome back everybody i'm just getting some interior design tips from larry about you know fixing this area over here that is a darn to sing though yeah i know it just i just fell apart man you're making money in this studio i moved into the studio about a year ago they said we've got a big swanky new studio for you it falls apart all the time i'm going to take it back is there a record can you take it back is there a certain amount of time no yeah you were at the other one when you were in the the little one where the lighting didn't work about three days a week but at least it didn't leak no well it did but only when it rained to be fair this one seems to be able to leak when it's sunny i saw that's why i said go back to the other one yeah i don't know oh man so uh i think you and i do have something in common oh yeah uh i've been trying to learn how to golf oh yeah i've been starting that yeah i said you're a big golfer yeah well i was i started it because everyone golfed in scotland and i didn't want to golf when i was growing up right because i was like i was you know rebelling right but i'm 50 now i got no rebel in the left yeah i'm not playing i'm not playing golf you take your golf i'm going over here and playing pool that's a rebel yeah i'm playing a different activity i gotta tell you though i that that's one of the reasons how i lost my weight i was walking golf courses golf is an exercise larry come on man well now i figured that out i mean i might as well pay somebody to kick me right in the crotch you know what i mean i mean get out in hollywood boulevard if you want 25 bucks tell them i sent you so uh but isn't it crazy though i go out there i mean it's like golf is the cause of tourette's synthetic yeah a little bit how many times a day you go are you cuss on a golf ball it sucks i hate it i want to freaking punch somebody in the face but i gotta play it i know man you know what i mean i know i know i'm right there i got the golf feeling yeah you know i've got i've got gold fever too i like to get my hand on a club and just walk around i'm down i i sometimes at home i just take the club out of the bag and just walk around with it while we're here just looking for a bowl you might want to get that checked out i uh but it but the only thing is it's so doggone expensive sometimes it cost me 350 bucks the other day to golf what the hell that was just to pay the paramedic to get my foot out of the windmill all right no but but but i love going out i love the scenery i love the different golf courses but i can't stop throwing stuff and cussing that's got to relax it's the whole thing relax you know i can't i can't relax i want to be a good i want to be a pro you can't you can't do that i want to be a pro hey uh we're we're out of time we're out of time are we really yeah so what do we do to end this deal some kind of you wanna wanna make out no is the answer to that um well i i got so i got some frisbees you want to throw frisbees in my house i want to throw frisbees at no no let me let me tell a friend let me see if i get a frisbee in the in the barn door yeah okay we'll do that and do that in the barn door all right there's a bunch good luck larry cable guy everybody ah welcome back everybody welcome back my next guest is a beautiful actress who stars in rectify yeah it's on monday nights on the sundance channel take a look at this where's she supposed to go sheriff he's only lived two places his home oh yeah abigail spencer abigail i'm so glad you're here and i am so glad you're wearing a light-colored dress because we're having some lighting issues apparently as well i've heard i've heard so you can't see my uh eating panties underwear really yeah why would anyone want that i don't know i don't know we have to talk to larry well i think it did but then well he's he eats it on the way home though yeah i know mac i'm a car eater too while i'm driving around i like to eat yeah yeah yeah i like to eat yeah you you don't eat that much yeah yeah yeah actually i got a pedometer because i was starting to get a little too sedentary what's that well uh whoa oh yeah actually it's right here i wear it all the time and it tracks all the steps so i can like you just took something out of your boobies it's it's called a fitbit and i wear it all the time and it tracks all my steps really yeah and then you know how many times you've walked and played so i had purpose on the planet because i feel if i don't have it i'm like oh i don't exist if i don't have them where i'm like my steps don't count so does it tell you the calories yeah you can it's an app on your iphone and you can or your smartphone not necessarily an iphone your smartphone yeah it's an app on your phone and you can you can put input everything it tracks your steps your calories burn like how much food you're eating i don't want that that'd be like someone following you around oh i kind of like do you like people following you around um it depends on who it is yeah i guess yeah yeah yeah yeah you know i heard you have magic fingers i do yeah i i brought them over from europe so what's going on me this show looks great rectify oh this is the one they're all talking about it's so good i love it it's a it's about a a southern family i'm from a small southern town on the gulf coast of florida and it's about a man who's been on death row for 20 years and then he gets released on a technicality back into society and i play his a very fiery very spirited sister amantha oh and where are you from are you from the south i'm from a really small town on the gulf coast oh that's amazing it's like your story that it's like my story makes sense nothing about it all right okay but you're fraud we shot in a really small town outside of atlanta it's about five hours away from where i'm from called griffin oh griffin that's i love that place yeah yeah yeah actually that kind of we uh we're shooting right next to an alligator tanning factory because alligators have to turn yeah i know i feel so wide they do but they use alligators for oh yeah i guess they use them for uh handbags yeah for handbags and other things like that and in the town that we should we approve of that i don't think we approve of that i don't think we approve of that that's why we were shooting down the street but it was really funny because you if you went the wrong way it was like what rectify shooting this like glorious hard-hitting drama and then if you went the wrong direction it was like alligator tanning factory so have you ever eaten alligator i've never eaten alligator but i but it tastes like panties does it really yeah i don't i don't know if that's true i i've never eaten either one oh well i think that's okay actually that's that's not true i'm not telling you oh are you not oh yeah i know which one is not true alligator for legal reasons okay so uh you you're from the south and that's nice yeah but you live in la i do live in l.a now do you prefer ellie no you must prefer the south so it's nice i like i like it sometimes i mean i like living here to actually live around the corner or really yeah probably walk home because i gotta get some steps in don't walk home wearing that dress it's dark outside yeah it's not dark outside do you have the same problem with you if you're near here we have a lot of problems with the electricity in this neighborhood do you have actually yes oh you do totally oh because they always say it's it's not just here it's all over well i i i mean i literally do live around the corner i don't like people following me so no no no no you don't like too close but we do i've i've problems with electricity and some of this what do you do do you strap a flashlight to your chest like jeff no but i'm probably gonna try it it's a great look you ever uh you ever wear prius flavored eaten panties well i drive a prius are you very are you minded very ecologically try i think as much as possible try to lower that carbon footprint even though i'm walking a lot more that's good but walking in la is not a popular pastime a lot of people do it yeah it's been uh it's been really funny because i'm actually making a point of walking around like not getting my car and i'm walking a lot of different places and i'm like the lone ranger just walking the streets and people were like are you okay what's going on yeah like what happened people would be consider i'm concerned about you no you don't want to be walking around here with the electricity going out and people looking for pumpkin flavor yeah leaks and it's dark yeah do you practice a self-defense technique um no i've boxed a little bit though i got into a little bit of boxing and it did make me feel much safer in my life yeah yeah if you can box that's good what about the kickboxing you ever do the kickboxing i've done i've done the kickboxing before and i liked it very much but it does it makes me feel i think a little bit more confident than i actually am in myself yeah if you can kick box in that dress i uh just kick it yeah whoa see right there that'll probably set your thing off yeah the whole thing because lord knows it set mine off right there everybody well it just proves the old adage that no matter what crap is happening in the studio the show will still remain substandard cbs cares they do just not about this show good night everybody

Channel: Antonio FergusonFan

Views: 191,836

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Id: SE3l3rxyfOE

Length: 38min 55sec (2335 seconds)

Published: Wed May 01 2013