Tip Your Waitstaff: John Mulaney Full Episode

hey they're chiming in early three minutes from now we'll be live-streaming with with our good friend the great John Mulaney we're working on some new jokes for a good cause today on this installation of tip your waitstaff let's see let's see who we got here I believe we have John Mulaney hello Michael you look nice you look like you're holding up oh yeah yeah the green the green my skin yeah yeah no it's a good it's a good match we have Novak in the comments Jacqueline Novak our good friend okay who has been active in the comments which are in the bottom of the screen active in the comments every day that's really I'm how are they are they positive I mean I'm sure I think they're positive but like you know I feel like she knows us too well though she's affecting a persona that is an Internet heckler that's my were standing wit and intelligence and knowing us for like two decades adopting the persona of an Internet heckler and she's gonna be she's gonna be the guest tomorrow so maybe you could come in the comments tomorrow yeah and clap back as the kids say yeah um what if she just wrote we stand over and over again how are you feeling that's that's a big question I'm okay I'm fine I felt off yesterday but I took a bunch of zinc and I think it was um I think it was uh [ __ ] just run down I'm not feeling any symptoms how are you I haven't spoken you outside of this pretty good uh you know hitting the zinc staying indoors trying to try and sleep a decent amount of hours our daughter who's five is going to bed around 10:00 or 11:00 at night so and she sleeps till 10:00 in the mark that's great yeah yeah oh that's wonderful I wanted to do that so much when I was five oh my gosh yeah although I don't know if I could could you like stay up to watch like Johnny Carson when you were like five there was a certain point because I was youngest of four there was a certain point where my parents sort of forgot they had a fourth child and I got I kind of got away with everything for her for a run there which is which is aren't just my face which is why I was able to watch a lot of SNL and a lot of a lot of Letterman yeah I could by the time I was 11 I would make it up for Conan every night and if I got caught I had a secret watch man TV like a small one and I would watch it Undercovers Saturday Night Live I could stay up for I always definitely saw the monologue even when I was really little because I thought the host was a surprise till the moment when they wouldn't that be fun although sometimes there'd be a lot that'd be a real like oh but occasionally you and I were just talking the other day about how when you hosted SNL a couple weeks ago that that you haven't gotten over the fact that you're hosting siren live this show that you watched as a child and I can't get over that my friend is hosting centralizes joy watches a child it should not I can't I can't get over it at all and also like I work there as a writer which is one of the best jobs you can ever have but it's also like you're not the host and you're not even on the TV so it was like it was like being a busboy and then they were like you want to be maitre d and I was like yeah I know that yes it works I know how to bus tables and get water sure and then I got they knew the maitre d and you're like oh I'm not good at this at all I just like standing in the back and talking [ __ ] about people our people are begging in the comments for Petunia which is I don't know I don't know if that's something you can we have to hit a certain dollar amount with the raising money cuz we are just to bring people up to speed we're raising money raising my comic up staffs across the country if you go on tip your waitstaff calm which was Roy Wood jr. 's idea for for the name who is a great comic well yeah he wrote a great piece in on vulture about this that's right and and John and I run the phone the other day saying what do we do to help and Roy and I are on the phone and and and so here we are we're in episode three and today we're raising money for your your pointing at the Washington DC improv is struggling that's a club that you and I both started at a lot oh very very very much so I mean you you worked there as a as a door person is like a monkey yeah and the monkey and then they would let you get on stage right occasionally yeah over time I start as a door person and I did that for a couple of years and then eventually I was able to open for Brian Regan and Jake Johansson and Chad Bergen all these people and I learned a lot and it's a it's amazing staff over there if it is it's a real family atmosphere and and it's it's it's awesome it was a great club forever and then they also opened up the second smaller show room that was in a different way in an intimate way equally good if not if not well equally good which was great so like Allison and the whole staff there I guess I've known since I was 19 cuz I opened for you my sophomore year of college yeah maybe yeah junior year of college I got to open for you then they had a new talent night competition and I won the opportunity to be an MC yeah that was the first place that was know back in that was Novak in that same contest you know no she was again because she was in a shoe tell me yesterday she was in Jacqueline Novak the comedian who was heavily in the comment section today with us is she was in competition at the DC improv that she holds on to to this day that she did not win she's she's a little frustrated about that she didn't she only met it was no she was not in that though I there was a guy there was a guy backstage who was really talking down to me I guess cuz I was looked like I was seven and he was like have you seen Jerry Seinfeld's comedian I was like yeah he's like you got it you can't just see it you got to get the DVD you got to study it before you know what you're doing and I beat him and I was so happy yeah that guy studied the DVD a real real pro and so so the oh can i address something real quick yeah of course of course a few people are asking is is my dog safe my dog is safe and in the other room and enjoying the hell out of herself and just to reiterate we are raising money I don't know maybe we should name a figure for her to appear on camera but it's not gonna happen for free Wow let's say if tip if people go to tip your way step calm you will see the DC improv and let's see what there's there's that twenty two thousand dollars right now and their goal is twenty five thousand I say if it hits 25 thousand Petunia is in the picture um oh my good friend Erica Jackie's mother Jill just asked what I put in my hair to keep it up like this nothing yeah Jill come on no no it's a good question valuable every time Jill come on well how many people do you think are in the duct are you know in the afraid to ask that and then she didn't know it was in yep is in the air and the other way the other Club then were raising money for that just added today he's the club that you and I played years ago penguins in Cedar Rapids Iowa oh that's actually the first that was the first professional weekend I had as an emcee yeah yeah I didn't do great but it was really important that place was that was very formative that place yes it's a great club it's a great club and it may have also had odd struggles they've moved locations over the years but it's a it's a good club yeah it's a great club yeah do you want to start yeah I got a bunch here okay I have a let me just try these because I've never had a good opening joke okay I've never had a good opening line period like when I start a set but you're farakhan joke was really funny uh nice to know I thought I thought that worked pretty well yeah but I wanna clean that was like oh why am i hosting I want it like you know some comics have they clean like I don't mean not obscene I mean like a Evergreen thing they just walk out and say you don't know who they are and if that's right and it works right I've never had that at all and I've asked people to help me with it and they haven't helped yeah one thing I wanted to try was walking out and going oh surprised to see me alive when you when you hire assassins to take me out I suggest you hire the best next time at comedy clubs I've tried thank you for letting me talk in your restaurant doesn't really get much did I have a few things that are like preface as to other thoughts which is one of them is one thing I like other than photos of two different types of animals hanging out together openers lately has been people often come up to me and they say wait a minute what are you in and I'm in the worst conversation of my life what are you in there like I'm in that too I'm like you castmate and then and then lately when they asked me what I'm in I say Shawshank Redemption and they go away which guy and I say I'm Morgan Freeman and there that's great oh my god I love your voice um that's great hey how about the guy in Shawshank who actually did the murder who they remember when he confesses and that weird scene he's like that was there we has perfectly big guns and small teeth and he has such but I feel like anyone who's seen the movie he's made such an impression on yes absolutely so though is that the list of your openers opening lines hold on let me see the opening line people should know he's the hardest slot in a comedy set list because you do you as a comedian you don't know what they know about you and so yeah and so the elephant the room is a either we love this guy or we don't know who this guy is right or the greatest thing is we don't know who this guy is we're not sure if we like him and then the opening joke destroys and the relief in the room is psychotic they're so happy well Gaffigan has the great the great opening lines I've never heard of me there I know that's I had to I had to add Farrakhan just to get to that I mean this is not hmm I can't do this one it's a little too grim everything my whole new show is grim so every you can be as firm as you want I don't know how to do this one what do you go just the first half okay okay settle down as Charles Manson famously said guys I didn't come here to monkey around funny you don't understand that he would have said that like during the crime right right I wasn't even present at the crimes by the way most that I'm some Manson truther but you know he was not there yeah I like that I like that okay what do you got you gotta go the other day I was watching a commercial from heartburn medication and all I could think was that pizza looks so good I gotta get some of that heartburn brand Pizza heartburn medication brand pizza cuz it's the straight the cheese really pulls give you some robitussin dipping sauce oh yeah I want to go to the concert in the antidepressant commercials are so joyous it's always like like what's in the yard that you would in a good mood go do and then at the end there with their wife at an outdoor concert yes I'm Chicago it looks like Ravinia perfect in the blank perfect weather yeah Tanglewood is that a thing yeah anyway perfect weather and what seems to be the Doobie Brothers like something like that no bugs no everyone has a perfect blanket out night night kind of lit for day or vice versa here's what I got one sex is the most outrageously dynamic activity because sometimes it's good and sometimes it's bad and sometimes there's another human being afterwards what other activity has that range of outcomes yeah sometimes a human there's a human being afterwards you know that my last special is called the new one and people can watch in Netflix if they walk but it's great it's all about if people haven't seized all the reason they never wanna have a child is about how I had a child and and all the reasons that I was right and then and then wrong ultimately and and that's where it is a little bit emotional at the end and and and one of the things I don't mention in the special but it's in the book version of it which comes out in May is that I always feared that thing of that my children will if I had a child the child would hate me one day the way I hated my parents when I was fifteen I mean I remember saying to my parents like I hate you and just like I don't want it that's a bad deal it's a bad situation wait it's that's so true Tori and and you have to factor in that you're a comedian so um the you're like the amount they'll be psyched about you and then embarrassed is extreme that's absolutely true right there's gonna be a circularity to the relationship because written initially she'll be excited that I'm a comedian and then eventually she'll be angry and and then she'll really appreciate it and and hopefully define her life around the museum based on you you know like similar to a BL yet right ible probably had that with her her dad is is one of the great radio personalities of all time or I'm sorry the grandfather that's true and her dad her dad is of course Christo and then she and then she's a fantastic community writer and performer - I wonder if you go into the line of work hmm curious bah bah bah bah bah they're getting close on petunia the DC improv donations are up to twenty four thousand three hundred out of the twenty five thousand dollar goal which means your sound $1 away how much of that did we raise total I think about like two thousand bucks in the last like 59 very nice that matters it's the thought but I'm not gonna matters I like to know numbers I'm getting to an age where I don't really know who I am anymore like when Larry King played himself in movies [Laughter] I remember watching Letterman in in the man on the moon the man in the moon yeah and I was like this is odd and then apparently the gossip on it was he refused to take off his glasses or whatever yeah he didn't do any look to appear that it was like 1981 or whatever yeah I like Larry King in movies a sketch that Simon rich in America Sawyer and I wrote was Larry King shooting his actual show Larry King live on CNN and forgetting that he was no longer shooting the movie he'd been shooting earlier today what do you think a dog president dog president they say he's turning the White House into a dog house any thoughts should he resign and yeah it was mainly that it was mainly that he had played himself in a movie called dog president and kept saying [ __ ] he resigned here I have a joke I need help on because it's sort of a front half of a joke but not oh is that the end of your joke where do you Maura that's it baby here's my front half I do you have this with friends were you when you're bouncing jokes can you go I just have a front half of this I think there's a joke there but I don't know oh I bring yes you know I bring scraps I bring nothing and I so hope the other person will do the work so my first half is I dropped off my daughter at one of these the musical camps or whatever the thing I gotta go my god not exactly sure what it was if there was just a bin that said toddlers I would have dropped her and headed to the coffee shop and and I'm having coffee with my friend Rob who's another one of the dads and I look up and there's a true story and a bird shits in my eye and literally in my eye and I go ah and and and Rob looks at me and he goes it's good material and I go Rob maybe when the [ __ ] is out of my eye we could talk about how this could be good material also Rob made a good material but if you got on stage and said a bird [ __ ] in my eye you know we don't know people people might laugh a little but that if that was all you said with no more comes more context yeah yeah imagine if you just said that that that's something like comical but really with no legs happen to a bird [ __ ] on me the first time I the first and only time I met Robert Schimmel the the dearly departed Robert Schimmel a bird [ __ ] on me we were in Miami you were there I was there I was at the show okay oh I think I opened that show maybe oh you are Aldo in Chimel performance we're by the pool yard [ __ ] on me and I said well I've heard it's good luck and Robert Schimmel goes if you're a dry cleaner oh that's a great Shamu moment he was fast he was bad he was he's brilliant people see if people like our big comedy fans dig up some Robert Schimmel specials that dude was hilarious um he was really really funny he has a couple specials right he had a couple HBO hours yes at least I don't mean to I don't mean to have guess what he had he was brilliant do you would it what else you got I don't think dinosaurs were put together the way we put them together like haha like I think it's like when I go to Ikea and I put something together and there's like like there's like one support beam left and I'm like well this ain't this ain't in the show that's very funny like I feel like the guy got the box of Tyrannosaurus Rex bones and his wife is like you better finish that tonight and then in the morning he had two little arms and she was like those are its arms he's like yeah those are little arms I think that's great D I have a Natural History joke which is that I was at one of the general I were at one of the dinosaur exhibits at the international history and and and and and there's a sign placard next to it that says these are all simply or merely hypothesis and until more fossils are found the mystery remains unresolved and I was like hmm I was like you know what you guys did the work you dug up the bones in Montana you use the dinosaur Krazy Glue you put it together you know if you're gonna say the mysteries unresolved I want that on the Bible and the and the Quran and the Book of Mormon because there's a lot of mysteries that are unresolved and we're not saying that about those no and 99% of people if you went this is absolutely what a dinosaur looked like we'd be like cool very cool we already have we're fine with it and then they also thought like you and I both grew up Catholic but it's like it's like the Catholic Church has no solid like fossils like if I buy one if I went to the Vatican and there was like a solid like replica of Peter I would be like yeah this house holds up and posted a bunch of lotion I don't know what it means I don't know I don't know what the lotion bottles mean I think it's a goof that Jacqueline is doing at US and in telling yeah those of us with Irish dry skin don't don't take kindly to them lotion lotion emoji so small I get mad when people give me coins as changed I'm like where am I gonna put this on the magazines on the counter they're glossy they're gonna slide up I will put coins in any jar avoidance when I get young I will put it there's a jar next to the cash register no matter what it says I'm so in by like having some pennies I'll throw them in there it there's another man's poison coins are about to be gone you can't I yeah I think coins are on their way out but remember when everyone already didn't like coins and then they introduced like their like new dollar coins now now I have to throw them in any jar for any charity next to a cash register even if it's like release Manson I was on a Manson kick here I have a half a joke that is a half a joke that I haven't finished which is based on a completely true story I went to a Catholic High School for one year called well I guess I can say it I've said in my other stuff is st. John's in shoes very and and in after gym class it would have us to make us shower and and if we forgot our towel the gym teacher would hand us paper towels one by one until we were dry and that and that happened to me once and I never forgot my towel again so maybe it's a good idea one by one how do you feel about that I've no I know I mean it's it's it's it's gross it's horrible I'm just trying to think of where the punch line it's no no I think you let it sit for a second because it's very you let this set ups it because it's so strange that reminds me of a small that I had why it's not a bit yet it's like has anyone ever thought when they open an orphanage let's make this nice who's not like and I know they have and I'm operating in a world of tarnish facts okay Briony from any the reboot which I was in I was in the jay-z I won Cameron Diaz it was truly an honor what did you do which it what was your line or I was kind of like the milkman delivery man kind of thing and and then she like sort of flirts with me a think and it's yeah but as we all know it's the better of the films of the to film the to any film without a doubt without a doubt we all know that the recent Annie far exceeds the original and and that's just the way it is in terms of what people still talk about oh yeah a thousand percent sure that thousand they talked about it a lot then and they still do Carol Burnett you know cuz we watch Annie with who she's five she gets it no but I will say like the Miss Hannigan the Carol Burnett's Hannigan he's scary for kids like you know is scared of oh yeah no no she's that's the thing is like between Oliver Twist Annie and maybe no other examples but I feel like it's like you're like they hate kids like they're like I'm gonna wait in there but they want them back it's very someone wrote original Annie a hundred percent better sorry I know that's the joke the joke is I know that the original Annie's better if we confused that person ya know I could see how you think we were very very serious you know it's a mate I don't want to get grass from jokes but we'll say this is a very sincere point about rewatching the original Annie if people are holed up and they want to do it even just for the hard-knock life dance sequence it's worth the whole damn movie that's is incredible I don't even know I don't even know how they shot it I mean they must have taken days in days to shoot that sequence I like how I like they go cotton blankets it's like that they do account it's there I like it if people are tuning in right now this is a tip your waitstaff and we are raising money for comedy club staffs across America who are out of work right now and I and I myself was a waiter I was a person who worked at a comedy club and and so I I know that people they were a lot of these people are just working on tips and if they're out of work they've got no income coming in and so we're raising money on tip your waitstaff calm which is a URL that we got and for all different clubs all across the country we've hit the DC improv for me and John started the $25,000 mark which means that John has to bring fortunia into the live stream sometime in the near future okay I'm gonna open the door which will basically be like I mean that's I mean the odds of her not coming in her dream okay but you yeah he's a beloved American figure in my in my experience and yet she's French that's right because their game name of her breed is french bulldog that's right show come okay we're gonna wrap up soon what would you do one more I do one more and then we'll call it okay I'm gonna burn through a few because you okay I don't think it's fair to make a baby wear a t-shirt that has like an attitude that sounds like born to shop or like change my diaper [ __ ] like I think that's like that's that could not be there for sona at all maybe it's their persona it says so much about the parents yeah it means the parents are crude where they love to shop maybe they like the show right right that's a phenomenal premise I love that it also is I like to see someone with a novelty t-shirt on it like 4 p.m. because by then they've forgotten they're wearing it so when you see they're just like they're just like now exhausted from their day and everyone's still going like and they're like wow what but their t-shirt says it's not a bald spot it's a solar panel for a sex machine which is a real it's a real t-shirt that's up no one's impressed by the audience cam anymore at a sports event they used to freak out like like they used to freak out like people seeing the Statue of Liberty for the first time and now they're just like oh yeah I have my own YouTube response show I don't care we're under international surveillance at all times yeah I think it's just reminding us of the international surveillance that's taking place in real life the next generation will not know that before the Internet if you want it to be seen you had to stand behind the reporter who was reporting live and just jump up and down and say Baba Booey yeah say that or like they could be reporting on the grim I remember in Chicago a few times they were reporting on the grimmest multiple homicides and people would be like how much Nancy Grace cares like imagine from the moment imagine for a moment caring that much about three things let alone every single crime that's good just like she is so apoplectic and I want happiness but by the way you're gonna have to do the voice like just imagine if you well I think part of the joke was like what if in your everyday life you cared as much as she does what she's like so I put a stick of butter out and then you left it near the toaster to melt permanent her her state of mind is permanent indignance permanent and bigness I don't think when your credit card is approved the sound should be that's that sounds like it wasn't approved is that is that the approve sound yeah a lot a lot have that now in New York taxis that they started going [Laughter] Roy Wood jr. was saying the other day on on this stream was really funny joke which is that is like when you're in a rush you want you don't want an uber you want a taxicab you want someone who is legitimately dangerous at driving to get you to the airport on time that's really funny and someone who has know someone who has no Google Maps it doesn't need them and drives on the on the drives on the back streets to LaGuardia so now I love that where there's were there like highways no good I'm gonna drive through someone's backyard okay wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait wait I go my daughter sometimes doesn't want to go to bed and she'll make this point she'll go but I'm not tired and I think to myself that's a really good point you know and I and I feel like I as an adult I'm still making that argument every night except it's to myself I'm like but I'm not tired and like yeah but you gotta you gotta get wake up in the morning and every night I win this argument and every morning I lose do you think oh this is when I when I had I'm sorry I was a little distracted I was trying to find my yes aya project inclusion do you think I'm like when you die God will be like you didn't like life and it'll be like now it's really hard he's like every day I get out of bed and they'll be like wait why did you get out of bed you weren't never supposed to get out [Laughter] I have a God joke which is like I don't pray a lot I only pray when I'm in it when things aren't going well when things are going well I think I am God no this is a little sticky but have you ever prayed for a situation where well there's only one example I have alright this is a little this is a little I mean did you ever pray that someone was not pregnant but then you did you didn't really follow up with what what might happen I scratch that joke and as an apology for that controversy jerk I'm going to give you now oh my god the person you wanted I want 25 minutes here applause emojis she is now camera shy because I took too many photos someone wrote I'm pregnant in the compound what does that mean are they really in reference to God I don't know I thought they can reference your joke so some of the some of the clubs were supporting on keep your waitstaff right now are a helium comedy club in Buffalo which is where I was supposed to perform last week before I turned my damn car around oh wow did you see him from the Wilburn Boston the comedy studio in Somerville the comedy attic in Bloomington and the Birmingham star dome we're still ready for the Attic the comedy attic is yeah that's a great great comedies are all great place I was explaining on the on the insta stream the other day the comedy attic literally is an attic I mean it literally is you just walk up and you're in basically an adequate 150 people and sometimes jesse eisenberg there so that's sort of the club in a nutshell and the wilbur is is an extremely special venue that bill bloomin rice will the staff there's fantastic and bill has given a lot of chances to people to like headline like a theater when they're yes pretty new and so it's it's really it's a very very cool place as are all the places on the list but first then I got to perform at the Wilbur was just so exciting it's uh yeah these are these are all great staffs of clubs and we'll continue to have more I'm gonna try to do one of these every day I'm doing Jacqueline Novak tomorrow will be will be seeing I think Jack Antonoff might be in our future I think Nikki Glaser might be in our future comedians who are watching drop me a note if you want to pop in someday and I'm just here in the office working on jokes oh look at that oh you're organized it's all you if you saw what my thing was you'd be ashamed that you're friends with me I have one note that page with seven years of half thought out idea too of winter about Manson alright thanks everybody for tuning in and the sign off is silly I never thought I'd have a podcast or ever sign off but it's a tip your waitstaff tip your waitstaff real and many people are hurting from this we're especially grateful that you're helping out the people laid out from the clubs that we love so thank you very much thank you everybody we appreciate it and thanks I'm I go

Channel: Mike Birbiglia

Views: 135,451

Keywords: birbiglia, mulaney, charity, covid, comedy, jokes

Id: cTYA1sTjxBk

Length: 39min 22sec (2362 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 30 2020