Time, Love, Praise and Encouragement in Relationships - Nouman Ali Khan, ICNA Convention 2010

assalamo alaikom what I had to lie here with a keto and hamdulillahi rabbil alameen wa sallahu wa sallam wada Ashraf EMBA evil Marceline well either early he was happy he womanist and Ebisu neti he lay on me Dean Allah Masha Allah in whom one-minute latina amanu aminu slowly had what I was all hot but I was always sober I mean you're been either mean from that about pretty much everything I wanted to say has already been said so this is going to be awkward but inch Allah Allah what I'm going to be sharing with you are some very basic things about relationships within the family and one of the things that you might find peculiar in these twenty or so minutes that we're spending together is that I'm not going to be speaking about very high ideals I'm going to be talking about some very basic things that I personally feel actually I'm really convinced are plaguing all families Muslim or non and the Muslims by the way are no exception to the problems of family in modern times so the problems that non-muslims are facing in their family were not too far behind and to assume that we are somehow immune from the problems of the modern world is a deception anyhow one of the first things I want to talk to you folks about is education what nowadays we consider a good education and why do people get an education in with people get a good education nowadays to get a good career that's probably the number one reason you're going to school or you're sending your children to school or plan to send your children to school that eventually they will have a good way of making money for themselves a career a meaningful career the second reason why people pursue an education is to get credentials it's kind of a show of respect that I went to college I graduated I have a degree it's kind of a show of I'm a respectable member of society when you're not able to finish your high diploma or go to college or whatever it's almost a disgrace in most societies especially in societies where the parents didn't have such an opportunity like there were farmers or taxi drivers or whatever else they dreamed that their child when he grows up or she grows up they will definitely get an education so the two fundamental reasons for which people pursue an education nowadays is either to get a career or to gain some respect in society these are the two reasons that are shared by all people this is not even a Muslim thing this is across the world going somebody why they're pursuing an education in Australia or in China or in Pakistan they'll tell you the same thing but what I want to add to this discussion and what this has to do with family and relationships is that we're living in strange times where you can have a PhD in biochemistry and you can have a doctorate in nuclear physics or history or political science and the guy does not know how to be a husband the guy has no clue how to be a neighbor he has no idea how to be a good son or a good father that matter he has no clue I would consider that a basic education to be a decent son a decent father a decent neighbor basically a decent human being a decent husband these are basic things but people have pursued and we've defined for ourselves education and other things and when it comes to the very basics of being a decent member of society and a decent member of your family we are almost completely ignorant and a lot of times people that are completely ignorant it may even be extremely knowledgeable legend this is the crazy one the religion that came to make you a decent person the religion that came to make you a respectable human being that gave you your dignity back people have knowledge of this religion they're attending courses seminars listening to speeches memorizing Sula studying they've seen and yet they don't have the wherewithal on how to talk to their wife or talk to their mother they don't know how to carry your conversation on the phone they lose their temper all too easily subhanAllah it's incredible it's really ironic so what I want to focus on some very basic things travel to coddle life's a gift of a lot of me I am grateful eternally grateful that I have had the opportunity to see over a hundred and fifty Muslim communities all over the u.s. much did too much did too much did community to community to community and you know what I see I see the same thing I see the same exact mistakes being repeated by us over and over and over and over again and you know who comes to me all the time and says can you talk to my children parents of teenagers parents of teenagers come to me all you know I have my son he just doesn't listen to me anymore can you talk to him like I have some prescription drug that I carry with me that you know oh you know what it is I'm gonna the son comes over I'm gonna be like and all of a sudden he'll be this amazing kid you know if but if you just talk to him no no no what if you talk to him and where were you when there was time to talk to him let me tell you something about I'm going to talked about parents first a little bit then I'll talk about couples and that's the only time we have two things two kinds of fundamental relationships your relationship with your children and your relationship with your spouse so we'll talk about some very basic things in regards to both when your children are little when they're little when they're five six seven two three four you know what the most important thing is I have five of those I could tell you I could tell you the most important thing to them is your approval they want to make you proud man they want to show you what they did I'll be on an important work phone call important work phone call and my son will come on by two-year-old will come over abba-abba-abba Abba Abba like okay hold on what is it E nothin I'll go back on the phone and he'll start calling me again okay okay what is it I will show you something what do you want to show me that is it but you know what I'm supposed to do oh my god that's awesome do it again I'll call you back you're supposed to appreciate what your children do they live for that they desire that more than anything else I have three girls and you know the difference between girls and boys boys can't sit still and girls can't stop this right so I pick my girls up from school ones in first grade the others in third grade I pick them up from a 25-minute ride back home and what are they doing the whole way you know what happened today in class we colored a dinosaur and we did this and that and I was coloring a purple that I decided to put in some green and they're going on and on and on and on and on and they cannot help themselves and they cannot stop and I have to pay attention and listen I have to listen to what about blue no I did only a little bit blue right I have to pay attention and you know why I'm saying all of this just one more story on the side just to wake you up a little I assure the story all the time my oldest daughter my eldest host night she's uh when she was younger she was really into finger painting so you dip her hands and pained and just making a big old mess right and she brings this big cardboard to me and it's a big blob of blue I don't see anything right and she says about look what I made and I'm sitting there going that's awesome a mountain and she says no it's mama and as I go don't tell mama but the point I'm trying to make is they live for your approval live for it but those of you that have children that are teenagers do they get in the car when you pick them up from school and they can't stop telling you about what happened does that happen now you know what happened in school today my teacher said this and that and the other and I got an a on my paper nope they're quiet and you're trying to know how was your day it was okay so what'd you do something where you going to this somewhere they don't talk getting them to talk is like an interrogation at a police station and they're not saying anything to you and while trying to ask them questions they're texting their friend my dad is asking too many questions today you know I don't know what's up did you tell them something what I'm trying to get at is very simple at a younger age your children crave your attention and when they get older you will crave their attention but if you don't give them attention when they're tiny when they come to you with their toys and you say go in your room I'm watching the news the game is on could you take him please come on I had a long day at work I don't want to deal with this right now we have some we have friends over it's embarrassing go to sleep go get out of here when you have this attitude towards your children like they're an obstacle in your path your job was at work when you come home you're on vacation nobody your job began when you came home that's your job what you did over there is just to fulfill your real job at home be a father I'm talking to the men here be a father spend time with your children they're not just there so you think you put up in school and you come home from work you just want to go to sleep you don't want to bother buddy you don't want to talk to them and actually the easiest way to not talk to them is get them an iPod Touch and an iPhone and get them a computer and a laptop in their own room with high speed internet so you don't even have to look at their face you could just be in their room all day facebooking finding themselves a new set of parents online seriously be be a father be a mother don't replace your motherhood and your fatherhood with these things because if you do when they become independent you know what happens to most parents to most of you your children they only see you as a bunch of dollar signs walking around and the only time they come and talk to you dad can I have five bucks actually nobody asks for five bucks anymore right it's 20s nowadays and I know I know youth they haven't seen money that small they don't know fives can I have $20 can I go to the mall can you drop me off can I go over to my friends house can I do this can I do that can I do the other when they want something they come to you otherwise you don't see them and when they get to a certain age where they are old enough to make their own little bit of money guess what you're not going to see him at all because your cash register is no longer relevant that's no longer relevant if this is the relationship you are setting yourself up for you're headed for destruction we got to change this now and the way to change it and it's going to be hard for a lot of you to implement this but we have to be friends with our children we have to be their best friends they should enjoy hanging out with us the most the parents the parents should not be a nuisance the parents should be a joy to children this should be a joy to them and in being good parents doesn't mean you get them toys and you get the nice things and you get the nice clothes that's all there and that's fine and dandy but the most important thing you give them right now is your time especially in this society where so many things are pulling away at their time and the thing you are not able to give them you can give them their own room you can give them money you can give them allowance you can give them clothes but you don't give them time and when you don't give them time they separate themselves mentally from you they cut themselves off they learn to become independent at an early age and independent in this society really means alienated it doesn't just mean independent this is a serious matter and how to raise our children we have to openly communicate with them and that's the other thing and part of this communication only one more thing about parents before I go to marriage just one more basic thing about parenting in this society you know there are certain things in Islam that are absolutely unacceptable they're taboo they're forbidden they're Haram they're they're evil but our children see them every day they see this stuff every day you can't even avoid it they're looking out their window and they see a billboard you know they're just watching cartoons and an ad comes on they see this stuff and you put them in most of you put them in school and I don't even say Islamic schools are safe because most kids in Islamic school are watching the same shows that the kids of public school or watch and they're talking about it at the school too let's face reality for a moment they are exposed to a lot of stuff they really are so the first time your daughter comes home and starts talking about some you know some Disney boy that they're you know that they're pushing on Media or some girl that sings a lot of songs and these are filthy role models filthy they're worse than animals I'd rather my children watch like puppet animals than watch these people because they behave worse than animals wallahi these de hannah montana's of the world are the filth of the planet they really are and to have and I've seen this little Google slim girls with a job on going to Islamic school with a Hannah Montana book back what is wrong with you parents what happened to you this is unacceptable but when's your children bring something like that up they say something like that they say something that is completely unacceptable to you what happens to most parents this is wrong you don't talk about these things stuck with Allah cos I put her lung oh my god fine I guess you don't want to talk about it I'll just talk to my friends about it then and you know what is did you basically told them if you have something that is of this nature of a controversial nature don't talk to me about it but does that mean they'll not talk about it at all they will talk to someone who's it going to be their friends most of the time they're non-muslim friends from whom they will get non Muslim kinds of advice you close the doors to communication and me being from the background I am my ancestry is gone so I have a hot temper so my daughter came home one day preschool my daughter was in preschool but we have this were very possessive of our daughters you know so she's home and she says you know Ahmed was so funny in class today I was like who's Ahmed and my wife says to me calm down let me talk to her you go away you can't handle this and she talks about there was nothing he just fell off the chair using those funny it's very innocent but if she hears my dad getting really gets upset when he hears the name Ahmed or you know Shetty for who whatever you know so I better not bring it up I better not tell my parents what happened at school then I shut the doors of communication I've made that mistake and a lot of parents made that mistake in they're paying us now and they're listening to this and they're shedding tears because they're remembering the mistakes they made they really are but let's switch gears quickly in Childline talked a little bit about marriage the other fundamental the core component of a healthy society we cannot talk about Darla we cannot talk about establishing a harmonious Islamic society until we have a harmony inside the household but our households are the places of chaos how are we talking about higher ideals in daraa when our homes are broken husband and wife are arguing every day sarcasm inside the house ST commentary towards each other you know you're really not that pretty oh you're no use of funny salam yourself you don't see me cutting my hands you know unnecessary sarcasm unnecessary hurtful commentary towards each other hurtful words to it and you know a lot of times you know exactly what's going to annoy your wife and you do it anyway and a lot of times the women they know exactly what's going to get under his skin and they'll say it anyway just to see what happens right and who's watching all of this while you're doing this to each other these word games you're playing with each other and this battle inside the house who's watching who's the real victim the children the children are learning this behavior what kind of parents are they going to be when they grow up there is no sense of forgiveness inside the marriage you know the Muslim man a lot of you who work in on the public sphere and corporate or whatever else you'll go to work your secretary highly inappropriately dressed is smiling at you how's it going Mohammed how's your day and like it's pretty good yeah you know I don't have it like five-minute conversation with the secretary you come home the wife says house I don't want to talk about it out a long day at work this is what we're doing inside our homes ruining our own relationships with our spouses when was the last time let me tell ask the brothers I'm not in a position to speak on behalf of the sisters because I'm not one they should be getting advice from sisters but let me not get on your case for a minute on my own when was the last time you got her a gift man that was a lot you took her out to the to the bazaar over there and she picked something like no no no put that back put that back what was the last time you got her something spawned without her asking when was the last time you hung out with her just took her out for some ice cream for no reason don't ask for much they also just ask for your time they only ask for your time but la hey there are sisters who complain to me and I couldn't believe my ears they complain to me that they haven't seen their husbands forever because when they come home they sit on the computer and just YouTube away the whole night and they haven't seen their crying it's like we're not even married anymore get off the computer man you have a wife you have children to deal with that's your priority what are you sitting there listening to so what Islam is that you know I was late to this lecture I was 20 I supposed to be our 10 o'clock I got her at 10:25 you know why I was stuck at the El you know how crazy elevators in the Marriott I was gonna have to deliver burgers to my kids how am I going to come here give a failed relationship out relations with family and my kids are hungry it's ok I'll be late I'll deliver the burgers first we have to be courteous to our family we have to extend we have to be the best to them the messenger tells us illallah wa alaikum Salam hadouken o hadouken really well on a Hyrum income the army are the best of you are the best of their family who can actually claim on the best pass on my best self to my family you guys are such nicer to your friends so much nicer to your co-workers so much more courteous to the police officer who pulls you over but you cannot extend that kind of courtesy to your mother you can't talk to her for 10 extra minutes that's the moment she starts getting a little annoying and starts telling you all the things you don't do right you say I gotta go I got another phone call can't talk right now listen to her sit there and listen to her this is what you're supposed to do that's your job she didn't do that with you I can't hear you're crying right now go in the other room shut it you know deal with it yourself your mother carried you she took care of we have to be the best to our spouses we have to be the best to our parents these are fundamentals in relationships and by the way all the other relationships get fixed if these two are fixed and these two the only way they'll be fixed is your relationship with Allah is fixed so if you have marriage problems and parental problems you know what the real problem is doc why and Iman you're not grateful enough your spouse is a gift of Allah to you and to be ungrateful to a if tis to be ungrateful to Allah as Odin your parents are a gift of Allah to you so if you don't have a good relationship with them who are you actually being ungrateful to think about that think about that so how a lot I urge you seriously start having dinner with the family don't eat by yourself don't eat as a separate time make a time make at least one I'm not demanding too much from you at all seriously make small commitments set a time in the day where the whole family gets together and prays together and it's a set time just like there's a set time for the TV show and there's a set time for homework and there's a set time where you get back to work there's a set time you pray must live together there's a set time you pray what is one prayer at least you get together with the family and you pray together get together that in and of itself is huge its enormous you could at least do this this much just start with this you know inside the house and you will begin to see a better relationship with your wife and your children you know the final comment I want to make before you inshallah Tejada is about balance and this is a long discussion I'll open it but I'll leave you to think about it one time the messenger I think subtle Saddam was asked about what Islam is what is this Deen so he has to give a brief answer he has to sum up the entire religion in very brief language and he chose this ayah from Surat Annisa this one ayah which summarizes the entire theme and what is this inna llaha moral cone and to Abdul Amanat Allah Aliya it is no doubt Allah who commands you to fulfil the rights of people the Trust's that have been given to you to give them back in full to those who deserve them people have a right over you people are have entrusted you with something and you should fulfill it completely that is what Allah commands you wait aha Compton bananas and docume be laden and whenever you make decisions between people make those decisions with justice make them with justice I won't even go through the rest of the ayah let me tell you something especially to the men in this those who are responsible the Shepherd's of the house sold you are pulled in different directions the Dean is pulling you your job is pulling you your wife is pulling you children are pulling you your parents are pulling you you have all these obligations to all these different things and sometimes your mother asks you to do something which will be a violation of your wife's rights and your wife will ask you to do something that will be a violation of your mother's rights and there's a there's a battle going on and who's stuck in the middle who's taking the beating on the one on one phone call with the wife the other with the mother and who's in the middle the husband and a lot of times what ends up happening is either he sides this way or he sides that way but what we have to be we have to be just we have to be the nicest the kindest to our parents but we cannot lose the side of justice you don't have the right to violate the rights of your wife all I didn't give you that right no you cannot fulfill somebody else's obligations at the expense of somebody else's you cannot do that your children have a right over you nothing can take that away you will be answerable to Allah for not fulfilling the rights of your children you have an obligation to your spouse you have an obligation to your parents and each of them are separate spheres don't confuse them with each other you have you have a tough job you signed up for it you want you're the one who wanted to get married you signed up for it already so you better learn to deal with it this is a balance you'll have to establish and we'll lie if you don't establish that balance in your house there will be chaos there will be fighting all the time they'll be fighting all the between in-laws and children and husband and wife and all kinds of craziness in your home because you haven't learned how to balance yet you haven't learned how to fulfill your obligations yet and the role of the spouse is the wives is to their husbands find a balance not just to fulfill their agenda because they will be answerable to Allah as well they're supposed to support their husbands and help them stop being sarcastic towards each other stop complaining about each other just do your part don't expect from your wife don't expect from your husband expect from Allah just do what you're supposed to do what you deserve will come from Allah will not come from your spouse get over it stop whining and stop complaining the moment you start complaining you are already not taking into consideration all the things Allah has given you and this is what I conclude with how many things is a lot given us that we should be grateful for how many things has Allah given us that we should be grateful for we can't count we can't even count one Nima where in dunya Matala mu fraud singular if you were to try to count one Nima of Allah one blessing of Allah you would not be able to encompass it we allows favours are countless upon us so if you find the time to complain that means you didn't have enough time to thank Allah for so many things that you have enough time to complain about things this is the it of ingratitude it's the height of ingratitude when someone starts complaining quit complaining quit complaining if you have problems learn to be grateful to Allah first and have Samba the key to sublet is being grateful to Allah and if you don't have patience it means you're not grateful enough really if you don't have patience of the secret is you're not grateful to ally enough you open up the fridge there's ten different kinds of soda you say where's the orange juice god I told you to get it you're not grateful enough for what you have in front of you we have to learn to be grateful we have to teach our children Scrat attune we have to teach them to be grateful for what Allah has given them we have to make them children that are used to giving not getting we're making them consumers we're making in zombies I get me this get me that get me this get me that if they're like this when they're children what are they going to be like when they're adults how is it a shock then that they're going to be fighting over the inheritance when they get older when they're like this you you take them to Toys R Us yourself so they can cry about all the two million dollars worth of merchandise that you still left behind after you have to store her right we're doing that to our own children we have to get our act together these are not high high and holy things these are basics that form the foundation of healthy relationships let's educate each other about them let's make a serious commitment to raise right cut the right kind of family let's fix ourselves let's spend time with our family together let's make that our first priority well lucky if the family is good the community is okay and all the problems you see in the community you know they're not community problems they start with family problems let's pick those fix those first may allah azza wajal make us of those who are able to save themselves and their fan release from the Hellfire may allah azzawajal make us of those able to be patient the most patient with their own family may be the most merciful to their own family the most forgiving to their own family and may Allah make us of those who are able to reconnect the bonds that have been cut because of fighting and disputes and arguments may may we become those who make the call back and say you know what no more silence I'm going to call my dad back so what if we had a fight six months ago I'll call him back today after this conference at least that's one promise I make to Allah I will reconnect those relationships I will go apologize to my wife for what I said I'll go apologize to my husband for what I did I will I will fix myself now because this is what I owe to Allah as elegent may Allah makers of those people may Allah will forgive our shortcomings barakallahu li walakum wa-salaamu alaikum warahmatullahi wa

Channel: ICNA

Views: 490,545

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Keywords: ICNA, Family, society, Muslim, islam, Convention, Nouman, Ali, Khan, Choices, Relationships, Time, Love, Praise, Encourgement, talk, arabic, speech, religion, spirituality

Id: GgT3AQdv3pg

Length: 27min 4sec (1624 seconds)

Published: Thu Jun 10 2010

Reddit Comments

[u/senditthru]

Precious advice. May Allah reform our manners and relationships with our spouses and families in the best way.