Throw out the checklisted childhood | Julie Lythcott-Haims | TEDxGunnHighSchool

for ten years I was Stanford University's Dean of freshman and this meant that I got to watch thousands tens of thousands of young adults unfolding into their adult selves my students would ask me questions all the time should I take this should I take that what should I do next is this okay do I want this opportunity but you know what I didn't see that it was my job as Dean to give them answers I mean Who am I to tell any other human how to live their life instead I saw my job as Dean as to ask good questions that opened my students up further to their own selves their wants their desires their fears their dreams so they could make better choices in college and in life accordingly well in those 10 years as freshman Dean you might say I had a front-row view to changes in childhood here's what I mean somehow it seemed every single year each class was more accomplished than the last higher grades higher scores longer resumes they were seemingly so much more accomplished how was that possible year after year and yet at the same time my students seemed less and less familiar with themselves every year they could say what they'd accomplished but they couldn't necessarily say who they were they were great at being told what to do they could soar through those hoops and expectations but they weren't so sure about who they were really if they had to think for themselves so while we were seeing these changes in our students we were also seeing the rise in the number of parents who would come to our campus or be really involved in the lives of their students to ask questions and solve problems and make choices and also on the rise during this time we're mental health disorders among young people particularly college students particularly depression and xiety now mind you this was not a Stanford only problem I would talk to colleagues at colleges and universities around the nation and everybody was noticing similar things I would talk to people at universities large universities and small colleges public schools private schools schools in the Midwest the South the East and right here on the west coast in every tier top tier second tier third tier no tier every single college and university campus all the folks there were noticing something has changed about childhood why do I say childhood because when you come to college you are the product of your childhood well I was concerned I was concerned not just because of my own students who I cared about deeply you know I was rooting for my students no matter what but I'm also a parent I'm a parent of two amazing kids right here in Palo Alto so I was concerned on behalf of all of you what's going on I decided to investigate and as the MC said I've written a book it's called how to raise an adult that's coming to a bookstore near you in June I'm not gonna tell you all about the book now but I'm gonna tell you about one important thing I found when I began to investigate what I learned was that about 25 to 30 years ago we parents decided that childhood needed to come with a checklist okay we got really worried it's a scary competitive world we love you we want your every success so we created a checklist of childhood sort of drawn up of our fears in our luvs and our wants and dreams for you we wanted it to be safe and structured and planned and lead to your success we wanted you to go to the right schools little audience participation now how many of you have ever heard something to this effect you're already raising your hand you know where I'm going to go with this all right how many of you have heard we moved here we are here we got a job here so you could go to gun high school raise your hand right on I would say that's 80 90 percent of the hands rain gun high school you're at one of the best high schools in the nation and you know what the message is when we say we moved here so you could go to gun high school you know what we're kind of saying don't screw it up kid okay no pressure but it's gun high school we've provided this for you this is on the checklist of childhood gun check it off do it well okay it used to be go to gun because then you can get into one of the best schools the only schools we think are worthy of our child will lead to success but now it's become not just the high school but the right kindergarten not just the right kindergarten but the right preschool all of the schools are on the childhood the checklist of childhood okay and it's not just schools its activities you got to be in sports you got to be in clubs you got to be a leader you got to do community service all of these things we think are gonna lead to your success but over time everybody got the checklist so it was no longer enough for you to get ahead by filling out checklist know everyone's got the checklist so the checklist now includes you have to be better at everyone at this item and best at that and excel at that okay so childhood has become this time of school school school school homework homework homework activities sports clubs don't just be in a club start a club don't just join a club lead a club and don't forget community service because colleges want to see that too you've got friends you've got social lives you've got family you've got hopes and dreams you've got video games you're stressed out there's so much going on in your young lives sometimes for some of you it's too much it's too much if you were brave enough you might break into applause for some of you it's too much there are study drugs you have to take in order to check off the checklist of childhood sometimes you feel the impulse to cheat because that's the only way to get through some of you are struggling with anxiety and depression you're wondering I'm going to this club I'm going to this thing is it even what I want how would I even know I'm just doing what they tell me because they tell me so I just want to succeed and be good enough I want you to know that we parents are starting to get it we see you we see you struggling within the structure of our expectations and dreams we see you're trying to breathe on your way to trying to achieve we see some of you saying will this ever be worth it if this resonates with you and I know it does with many here's what I want to say right now if you remember nothing else from what I say today please tuck this into your pocket and remember it for later breathe just breathe I know some of you are sitting here thinking about the class you're missing right now all right breathe and I'm gonna tell you what every parent if they were up here on this stage would tell you you are our precious child you are a person of Worth and value that has nothing to do with your GPA or your SAT scores or how many ApS you're taking or AP scores you get you're a person of Worth and value you matter regardless of all of that stuff you are loved you are worthy of love we your parents love you we adore you we created this checklist for you we thought it would lead to your success but we got it wrong here's why we think we know what belongs on the checklist of childhood to lead to your success because we've lived our life we're 30 we're 40 were 50 we've had so many lessons learned and we've tried to boil all those lessons learned down into a checklist that we can hand our kids so that somehow they'll just do the checklist and become a successful human but we've forgotten that the only reason we know goes on the checklist because we tried and failed because we made choices that were dumb so that we knew which choices were better we took bad paths we went down the wrong road that's how we knew what the right path was there is no checklist of life we weren't given a checklist somehow paradoxically we've gotten our imperative as parents wrong we're mammals after all we may be mammals who wear clothing but we're mammals and a job of a mammal parent is to raise its offspring to thrive and survive without the parents without a checklist I'm speaking somewhat in my parent voice right now and my own kid is in this audience and I know it's probably hard for him to see his mom get kind of emotional in onstage so now I'm gonna put my former freshman Dean hat on I know you might listen to me more when I'm wearing that hat as a former freshman Dean I'm gonna tell you here's what I think is the secret to a successful life figure out what you're good at figure out what you love figure out what you value imma say it again it's not complicated it's that simple figure out what you're good at figure out what you love and figure out what you value the Venn diagram is the answer to what will allow you to lead a happy successful joyful meaningful purposeful life now sometimes we sort of shorthand this and we say find your passion okay find your passion and preferably find that passion before you have to write your college essays because colleges like to see a young person who's found their passion well guess what colleges know that most young people haven't quite found their passion beyond a guy or gal two rows over and one seat back okay by age 17 many of you can be passionate about that but passion in the sense of what I'm gonna do with my life who knows that by 17 a very small handful and if that's you more power to you okay but all we really mean is life is about figuring out who you are your passion your purpose your path you're not meant to know it all now you're not meant to know it all by the time you apply to college you will take the time through your adolescence and 20s maybe even into your 30s to figure it out and then you will lead a successful joyful happy purposeful meaningful life here is my checklist in furtherance of your leading that successful life there are five items on it number one be kind does that sound a little dumb you're like what be kind yeah parents always say that I mean it you will be astonished to discover if you walk through this world intentionally acting with kindness toward your fellow human beings you will be astonished at the doors that open to you as how the world opens to you when you were acting with kindness it's free and it's easy be kind number two work hard life is challenging life is hard don't let anyone try to tell you otherwise there are ups and there are downs it's confusing it's complicated it's complex it is also full of adventure and Wonder and possibility work hard okay you must apply your effort to achieve the outcomes you desire now sometimes we mess up this message we say honey all I'm asking is that you just do your best well just do your best do not belong in the same sentence because it basically means what we expect is that you will always do your best we're never always doing our best we parents we grown-ups we teachers why are we asking it of you what we mean is try try is a kinder word it acknowledges some times happens sometimes things go wrong sometimes you will fail colossal e and that happens to everybody in life and that's okay work hard number three think for yourself you began this world as a baby and in your first year you were spoon fed and at some point you got to grow from the spoon fed baby into an adult who thinks for themselves and I'm here to tell you it doesn't magically happen when you turn eighteen or twenty-one okay childhood is meant to be this process through which you move from a spoon fed baby to an adult who thinks for themselves don't be spoon-fed here at Gunn don't choose activities because everyone's choosing that activity listen to yourself what am i curious about what makes me tick what's worth getting out of bed for in the morning what's worth staying up at night late to talk about these are clues from yourself as to what matters to you listen to those clues think for yourself I spoke to a young man the other day and he said you know what what I'm really interested in or what I think about sometimes he said if I was God I would create these little puzzles and I would plant them all over the planet for humans to solve and I thought what weird [Music] wonderful wonderful and I told him so this kid likes logic and math and puzzles and philosophy and I said you know what that's it write about that in your college essay now I'm not telling the rest of you to write about that for your college essay if you think that's what I'm telling you you're not listening to me I'm saying this kid found a way to describe something he's curious passionate interested in okay what a great great thing number four after kind work hard work hard think for yourself choose the college that's right for you and now I'm going to dare to say something that is hard to say in Palo Alto Cal fornia there are colleges and universities worthy of your investigation that are not at the top of the college rankings list I know right right right yes I love Stanford University I went to Stanford University it's a marvelous marvelous school it is not the only marvelous school there are 28 now you gotta listen to me I know you're getting excited listen there are 2800 colleges and universities in this country that have been accredited meaning they've met standards that the US government has set 2800 and as with anything I'm gonna wager that the top band of them is excellent call it 5% call it 10% we've got 140 to 280 colleges and universities worthy of your attention and your investigation I want you to find the courage in gun high school and Palo Alto California and anyone else who's listening for whom this resonates and pull back the blinders look at more schools look at more schools you get the thick booklet that has 200 schools profiled in it I know what you do you flip through for the schools whose names you know I want you to look for the schools that resonate with you where will you be challenged where will you thrive which school has people like you where will you feel a sense of belonging those schools are out there it is your job to find them trying to get into one of the most highly selective schools right now is like trying to win the lottery okay if you do Wow but hey with five to ten percent of the applicants getting admitted don't kick yourself if you don't get in those odds were never in your favor instead instead have the courage to look at other schools if you dare to go home if you dare to believe this number one if you dare to go home number two and say this to your friends and your parents you might want to be armed with some research so I'm gonna tell you two reasons why it's worth your while not to be so utterly focused on the very most selective colleges and universities reason number one years ago a study was conducted comparing kids who had gotten the grades and scores that were good enough to get into the most selective schools but they weren't admitted to the most selective schools because the most selective schools have too many people applying as you know there are thousands and thousands and thousands and thousands of qualified kids who won't get into the most selective schools because too many people are applying with that kind of qualification okay the research study said if you're one of those kids who had what it took but they didn't take you you went somewhere else your income 20 years later is the same your income and net worth 20 years later is the same what does that message boil down to it's not to school it's the kid okay that's research lesson number one who you are where you go to school wherever is what it's about number two here's a little reason why you might sort of game the system by going to a school that's not one of the most highly selective schools Malcom Gladwell has written about this research in his latest book David and Goliath it's the big fish small pond effect what it basically says is you want to go to a college where you can be the man you can be one of the best you want to be in the five to ten percent of your college class the top five to ten percent of your college class if you can why well because that's when you get the most attention from faculty most number of opportunities offered to you more doors of opportunity opening and grad school and the world of work be the big fish in the small pond instead of one of the fifty percent of the people who'll be in the bottom of the class at Stanford or Harvard etc etc okay there's a reason you might benefit from going to the school that's a little bit less okay choose the school that's right for you that's secret that's item number four on this checklist and finally when you get there study what you love when you get there just as here people are going to be saying you know you really need to study stem fill-in-the-blank stem you need to be pre-med you need to go to business school you can go to law school you need to be an econ major computer science is where it's at people will continue to say that and if that's you do it do it if it's not you run away okay run toward yourself figure out who you are what lights you up I promise you this and I told every single student at Stanford this over ten years if you have the courage and I know it takes courage to study what you love to study stuff what makes people go what is that if you have the courage you will go to every class and you're thinking well of course I go to every class I have to go to every class but in college you don't have to go to every class but you will if you study what you love you'll love what you're studying you'll go you'll do all the reading you'll do the extra reading you'll be brave enough to raise your hand in class even if you're afraid cuz you're so jazzed about the subject you're gonna want to talk about it you're going to get to know the faculty member you're gonna go to office hours you're going to listen as your own voice becomes part of the analysis of in the room if you study what you love life will unfold for you in the most beautiful ways and that's what leads to the grade GPA and that's what leads to the opportunities you're desperately seeking for after college have the courage to be you it's what colleges want and it makes for an awesome life - thank you very much you

Channel: TEDx Talks

Views: 66,884

Keywords: TEDxTalks, English, tedx, Parenting, United States, tedx talks, Education, ted x, ted talks, tedx talk, Higher education, ted talk, ted, Activism, Career

Id: p_UPUmlyY5M

Length: 22min 1sec (1321 seconds)

Published: Mon Mar 09 2015