Signs An Avoidant Loves You

all right today we're going to be talking about the major signs that an avoidant loves you so this is a complicated question because avoidance and how they deal with love is historically difficult to figure out yet i think i've come up with five major signs that you can really look at to help you understand if you're in a relationship with an avoidant if they're reciprocating or if for example you're trying to get an ex back and your ex is an avoidant and you're wondering if they're kind of into you well these are some of the signs that you can kind of understand or look at to get a greater understanding of where the two of you stand so let's just jump right into it sign number one is you have a complete understanding of their core wound so a few weeks ago i did this really pretty great interview with one of our coaches coach tyler where we talked about why fearful avoidance pull away and in that interview we talk a lot about the concept of a core wound and how each attachment style the secure attachment style does not have a core wound but the each insecure attachment style has its own specific core wound so first things first let's talk about what an avoidant attachment style actually looks like before we kind of put the cart before the horse here so someone with an avoidant attachment style well they tend to view relationships and intimacy in a suspicious way so usually when emotional or sometimes physical intimacy is required in the relationship they tend to withdraw so one of the classic symptoms of someone who has an avoidant attachment style is in a relationship they really value their own independence because growing up in their childhood their caregivers would often give them basic needs like food and shelter but that's kind of where it ended so they had to learn how to deal with emotions on their own and oftentimes they had to learn how to be independent and so when they get into a relationship with let's just say an anxious person the anxious person wants them to be emotionally and physically intimate and that kind of goes against what they've taught themselves on how to cope with relationships from an early age and so it's embedded into their psyche and really every time that an avoidant will avoid it's usually because something relating to their core wound triggers it so for the avoidant a core wound is any time they're feeling like they're losing their identity or independence within that relationship so you'll notice that oftentimes when avoidant actually avoids it's because something is happening in the relationship that's requiring them to be particularly vulnerable and they are not comfortable doing this because it really stems back to their childhood and how they learned how to cope with being vulnerable from that early age so let's move on to sign number two so after you understand what the core wound is you can kind of be on a lookout for what is triggering your partners or your ex's avoid inside well sign number two is really noticing the major tipping points and specifically the major tipping points actually aren't setting them off so i am not the one that came up with attachment theory that's actually a combination of three people who have with their contributions grown it into the powerhouse that it is today and those three people are john belby mary ainsworth and mary mayne and they all kind of like are apprentices of one another that have continued to grow it but i feel like there is one sort of contribution that i can make based on all the research that i've done via ex-boyfriend recovery ex-girlfriend recovery with attachment styles specifically the avoidant attachment styles specifically relating to breakups so one of the first patterns that i noticed when i was studying attachment styles happened within conversations and our clients we would find they would often be really great when they text their ex but they would find a lot the psychological barrier that they would run up against when they would try to transition a conversation from a simple text message to a phone call or from a phone call to an in-person interaction and that's because each of those interactions require a different level of communication with texting you can be safe you can be on your phone texting your ex and there's no need to sort of deal with the emotions i guess and there's a way of them not simply responding to it so they have a level of control over the conversation they have a level of independence but when it comes to talking on the phone or having something a little bit more real time this freaks them out and so i started studying this psychological barrier and found out that if you look at it from a more macro point of view there's specific tipping points specifically relating to avoidant attachment styles that often trigger their avoidant sides and so what are some of those tipping points well here are the tipping points that i've noticed right so the first tipping point is usually when you get asked out on a date the second one is when you become official in a relationship then there's when you talk about moving in together then there's the actual moving in together then it's talking seriously about marriage looking at rings together getting actually engaged getting married and having a child together all of these are major tipping points that we have seen breakups occur in and breakups are kind of like the ultimate way of an avoidant actually avoiding their partner and so one thing that you need to notice with all these tipping points is it it really revolves around some new level of intimacy being required and what we found is that when an avoidant is truly in love with you these tipping points don't really bother them as much maybe they they withdraw a little bit but it's not enough to actually cause a breakup and so i think that's one of the things that you can look at if you're trying to understand like hey what are some of the major signs that an avoidant is in love with me well maybe potentially the tipping points aren't setting them off like they used to be real quick i want to say that if you're new to this youtube channel or you're trying to figure out what you should be doing to get your ex back and you're trying to learn if you even have a chance in your specific circumstance probably the smartest thing for you to do is actually stop by our website www.exboyfriendrecovery.com or take our ex recovery chances quiz that can be found at xboyfriendrecovery.com now if you're watching this on youtube taking that free quiz is super easy to do all you have to simply do is look in the description link below this youtube video and click on the link you see there it will take you directly to the quiz where you can fill it out and get an easy answer on what you should be doing going forward and overall what your chances look like in your specific situation all right so let's get you back to the video so let's move on to sign number three sign number three to me is the biggest one it's kind of the meat of the burger i guess and this is when an avoidant allows themselves to be emotionally intimate with you again the most powerful sign on this list and really we've established already that the core wound of an avoidant person is this sense of losing themselves in the relationship and often this loss of independence will cause them to back away and retreat inwardly so to you it's just gonna appear like they have their walls up so some real life example of this can include them suddenly appearing like their head is someplace else and you know you get this gut feeling that something's wrong with them and so you'll ask them like hey what is everything okay and they'll be like oh yeah everything's fine but the feeling doesn't go away so it stands to reason that if you find them going against this core wound by becoming vulnerable with you it means a lot and i'm actually reminded of one of my favorite romantic comedy movies of all time 500 days of summer specifically the scene where tom and summer which if you haven't seen the movie it's all about kind of this this breakup in this relationship but there's a specific thing that really resonated in it with me and i actually went to a um sort of a screenplay website to look and see the exact words used because it's so succinctly put and it perfectly describes a scene so i'm going to read those words to you now and then kind of illustrate what i'm talking about right so you have a narrator and then he says as he listened tom began to realize that these stories weren't routinely told these were stories one had to earn he could feel the wall coming down he wondered if anyone else had made it this far which is why the next six words chained to everything summer says i've never told anyone that before tom says well i guess i'm not just anybody so here's the beautiful part about that scene it's basically this moment where this girl who has kind of been on again off again very avoidant by nature first starts to open up to the main character now we don't have to talk about how the breakup occurred later on and and everything but i feel like this is a pivotal moment to help you understand like how big of a deal it is for someone who has an avoidant attachment style to actually be vulnerable and this is that scene in this movie and this is kind of what we find in real life happens so what what i talk about a lot is virgin ground so if your ex or if your partner starts telling you stories things that they've never told anyone before this is virgin ground and it's an incredibly good sign because it shows you through an action through vulnerability that they're willing to tear down some of the walls and let you in and that's one of the best ways you can just to discern whether or not an avoidant is falling in love with you let's move on to sign number four sign number four is pretty simple when you pull back after they pull back they actually come back kind of a tongue twister right so there's a piece of advice that i'm often dishing out here on ex-boyfriend recovery ex-girlfriend recovery the podcast the youtube channel across the board when it comes to dealing with people who are fearful avoidant or avoidant in general and that's a simple phrase when they pull back you pull back and the reasoning behind this is simply usually the worst thing you can do when an avoidant puts their walls up is to call a siege and try to tear the wall and unfortunately this is how most people usually anxious people handle the situation they're problem solvers by nature and they see there's a problem being exhibited by the avoidant they're pulling back i need to fix this but what they're really indicating to you is that they need space so it's important that you give it to them and of course how they react to you giving them the space will be really telling relating to their mindset and our experience has consistently shown this to be an effective way of providing them the empathy they seek so one of the books that i'm a real huge fan of is this book called never split the difference by uh one of the lead fbi hostage negotiators of his time his name is chris voss and he talks a lot about this concept called tactical empathy which is essentially this deliberate influencing of your negotiating counterparts emotions for the ultimate purpose of building trust-based influence and securing deals so the ways that you employ your voice you label their emotions you mirror their interactions and when you are silent all contributed to tactical empathy so essentially it's all about understanding your counterparts life and repeating that back to them like showing an understanding of the things that they're not willing to say out loud and this concept of when they pull back you pull back is you essentially implementing tactical empathy and all you're doing essentially is recognizing that they need space and giving it to them and by doing that you actually help slowly tear down the walls that they have up so one of the best signs you can look for is when they pull back and you pull back they're actually coming back to you and opening up a little bit more and more it's kind of like fishing in that way how you kind of you gotta fish but you can't just pull it in and reel it in right away or the line will snap and it'll get away you have to kind of slowly ease your way to getting it in same principle applies here and sign number five is understanding the role that hidden depths can have so in 2018 i filmed this video that kind of went viral in our facebook group so i basically talk about the 11 factors of love essentially 11 things that we look at when we're dating someone to create this feeling of love i talk about similarities familiarities desirable characteristics reciprocation social influence fulfilling needs environments specific cues or particular features readiness alone time and the stability versus mystery scale i'd like to really focus on this last thing the stability versus mystery scale because i feel like it often gets overlooked especially when it comes to avoidance so here's the way the stability versus mystery idea works there's kind of like a scale and each of us has a different want with regards to the scale on one side of the scale you have people who are very stable they're very secure on the other high side of the scale you have people who are very mysterious and very adventurous and spontaneous and we have this constant paradox where we want both in a relationship but oftentimes as human beings we veer more towards the stable and secure scale versus the mysterious and adventurous scale and you're constantly left in this balancing act now the statement i'm about to make may not actually be true for all avoidance it it's just my personal opinion so i want you to take it with a grain of salt but based on my experiences and based on some of the stuff that i've noticed a lot of avoidance end up losing interest when they feel like they've learned everything about you as a human being when they feel like there's no more layers to peel back there's no more mystery available that's often when they throw the relationship away and i think you can actually find some insight here by studying the phantom x syndrome we know that avoidance are highly susceptible to holding this impossible relationship ideal in their head and it makes sense too what's more attractive to an avoidant than the person they can't have the person who has unbound hidden depths and technically this sign isn't much about understanding love it's more about keeping love about spending your time finding things that you care about just as much as you're avoidant that you've fallen for to acquire more of the mystery cred that you need that can ultimately attract them and if you think about it what really keeps an avoidant in love with you is them constantly peeling back and finding there's more layers there's more hidden depths to your soul so that there's a little bit more mystery into what makes you you again it's just a personal theory but one of the things i've noticed that plays out successfully for a lot of the people who adopt it is this concept is sort of trying to pay attention on how you can create more hidden depths to yourself and the best part is that it's kind of a win-win right you're making an avoidant fall in love with you is a matter of loving yourself so relentlessly that you continue to strive and evolve as a human being

Channel: Chris Seiter

Views: 454,071

Keywords: signs an avoidant loves you, signs your ex loves you, how to tell if your ex is into you, avoidant attachment style, avoidant ex, ex, ex recovery, relationships, relationship advice, breakups, breakup advice, chris seiter

Id: rLKWE9Hdx-s

Length: 15min 24sec (924 seconds)

Published: Thu Feb 03 2022