This Is Paris #5 - (Trauma) - Therapist Reacts

hey deserving listeners it's time to continue watching the paris hilton documentary on youtube my name is dr kirk honda i'm a therapist and a professor let's get to the show did she tell you she was put into solitary what do you mean solitary what do you mean solitary confinement treating children like they're in a prison instead of a school are you serious she's never told me that in utah yeah interesting so earlier i said that you a lot of the kids in seattle would get dragged to utah because from my memory utah was more lacks regarding child rights and that in washington state where i live you couldn't imprison a child in one of these group camps but you could in utah and so they would send thugs from utah to grab kids you know with the parents authorization and the parents were paying for it and they would drag the kid across state line and put them in these what i'm terming a prison child camp and so she just said in utah it's interesting oh [ __ ] popping bottles chairs cheers again i look beyond no you do not the woman has been up since five in the morning i went to bed at 1 30. the woman looks amazing five times having nightmares is always i have like dreams of like my real life like when i was like taken from my house like by people and like being locked up somewhere okay interesting so she's referring to that i think that process that i talked about where the parents will say okay we've got to get our kid to this camp we got to get him across state line to utah where there's more lacks laws about child imprisonment i'm saying imprisonment in quotes but if we ask paris to go there she's not going to go so well what are we going to do well these camps will have services where you pay thugs to come to your house in the middle of night literally grab the kid throw them into a van hold them somehow until you can get into utah and then when you're in utah or whatever state line i don't know about new york city that's where she was being grabbed from once you're across the state line then the laws allow these paid people to actually diminish the rights of a child i wonder if that's what her assault was and i wonder if that's what her trauma was we can certainly imagine that being true right i mean i talked about this earlier in terms of like i understand the impulse that parents have when they have a kid who is not following the rules as a parent you're very worried about the kid paris was going out to nightclubs with fake id fake ids online maybe she was using a lot of substances who knows as a parent you should be worried about that you should try to do something about that and when you try all these different things and nothing works i understand the impulse of just like well if we could just diminish their rights then i can save this child and yeah you you can actually do this especially if you have the money and the child will not be able to go to clubs anymore so mission accomplished but at what cost seemingly for paris the cost was she will no longer feel that you love her she will no longer trust other people and she will be traumatized from the violence that this did to her i remember the school night it was the middle of the night and i just heard screaming bloody murder i knew there was a takedown in the works i didn't know it was people coming in and capturing her okay this is exactly what i was talking about you have paid physical human wranglers come to your home and take the child in the middle of the night why they did it why do they do it in the middle of the night well because the child is usually in their bed so you know where they're going to be the child is usually groggy so they don't fight back as much there's a lot of reasons why you do it but just imagine that you're you're sleeping and all of a sudden these strange men are grabbing you physically and dragging you into a van and then they hold you there and drive you to a essentially a child prison camp i thought i was being kidnapped i started screaming for my mom and dad like help me and no one came now another element that they'll often do is the camp because they've been through this so many times and this is their bread and butter is they will work out a deal with the parents and let's say we need you parents not to be in the home because if you're in the home then it'll complicate things the kid will manipulate you we've seen it a million times believe me you need to not be in the home also it's not going to be pleasant to watch and so if you really want this to happen we will only do it if you are not in the home so we need you to step out of the house so i wonder if that's what happened here and again just imagine you're a kid you're being grabbed by two men you're screaming for your parents your parents aren't there maybe these guys were like look we've been paid by your parents well how are you supposed to know that's true how you supposed to trust these people that are grabbing you and dragging you away as they were taking me i saw my parents standing by their door crying i was like please help me what's happening and no one would tell me what was happening and then in the morning right so just imagine that you're a kid and two strangers grab you and are dragging you out of the house and you think you're being kidnapped and you're gonna die or something worse and then you finally see your parents and your parents are like yes this is what i want imagine the betrayal that you would feel imagine the feeling of like oh wait you don't love me not only do you not love me not only do you not care about my feelings but you actually hired these people to do this to me you actually want these people to do this to me so it's it's it's awful and as i said before i understand the impulse you're worried about your kids but overall what i found was that these camps were a negative for the kid and the family for a variety of reasons including this they were always trying to protect us and shield us did you ever get like nervous that that would happen to you because if they didn't really explain it to you on why she was going away did you ever feel like she was very naughty what she was did you talk to her about things did you i told on her with everything thank you listening on the phone have you ever said sorry to mom and dad no like i went through hell too okay so we're hearing more data that the younger sister i thought she was an older sister but she's a younger sister was the parentified one she was the one the responsible one she would tell on her older sister and she got rewarded for that i would guess who knows that the parents did not give the kids enough love and attention and as a result paris acted out she tried to get attention negatively or she just gave up on her family and tried to find her family in the clubs a lot of people would do that some people will find their families in gangs or in other kinds of communities because they're not getting love and attention from home and the younger sister she got her love and attention by telling on her sister and being better than her sister by being the good girl so what this does is it turns siblings against each other for those of you who watch my darcy and stacy reaction videos i it seems as though that might have happened to to the two of them because particularly darcy she will attack stacy in a lot of different ways at least that's my observation and usually that's an indication that the kids both were not given enough love and attention and so they they turn on each other as a way of trying to get a little bit of more a little bit more love and attention from their parents but then the sister also said something like did you ever apologize to mom and dad for the what you did to them i bet you anything that if we heard the full story we would sympathize with the parents i'm guessing we would hear stories of paris behavior as a teenager and we'd be like whoa take it from me as a family therapist i would see some extreme behaviors from teenagers now usually it indicated that they were suffering quite a bit the teenagers it usually wasn't because there was something wrong with them that or that they were a little psychopath sometimes it was that but it usually wasn't that but i have seen some very extremely hurtful and scary behavior from children and parents often have a reason for their feelings now i from my experience sending kids to boarding schools is an overall negative and so i would always recommend to families that they not do that for a variety of reasons at the least of which is it might just be a colossal waste of money but can be actually quite traumatic for the kids and essentially destroy the relationship that you had with the kid causing the kid to completely not care about your rules but anyway i guess i'm curious as to what the parents would say about paris's behavior that might help us to understand why they were so desperate the last school that i went to was provo canyon school and that was the worst of the worst [Music] there's no getting out of there you're sitting on a chair staring at a wall all day long getting yelled at or hit i felt like a lot of the people who work there got off on torturing children and seeing them naked so i don't know about these allegations but we could certainly see this happening in these boarding schools child prison camps is what i'm calling them that if you are a predator and you want to abuse people and maybe even children maybe even you know girls then you could see yourself being attracted to this sort of employment right so this these sorts of organizations might i don't know i'd have to see the research have a higher prevalence rate of predators who knows but that's what paris is saying and it stands to reason they'd make people take their clothes off and go in there like for 20 hours felt like i was going crazy someone was in the other room that was like a straight jacket screaming i was just freezing i was starving i was alone i was scared my parents were in new york they didn't know but i was so angry and so upset i just i hated them okay so there it is i hated them i blamed them i felt that they threw me in there on purpose they didn't love me the bond might have been fragile to begin with and now it's completely severed and when that happens you just feel like well what's the point why try to love people why try to be loved it never works out and she seems to have exhibited that defense moving forward i don't know but she certainly seems to be telling us that i was a provo for 11 months and the only thing that saved my sanity was thinking about what i wanted to do and who i wanted to become when i got out of there i was going to do everything in my power to be so successful that my parents could never control me again all right so there you go it was one of my hypotheses i think maybe more specific but that sense of security that she's looking for that she was not in control of her own body she was not in control of the medication she was taking she was not in control of where she lived she was not in control of the abuse that she was experiencing and she saw a way out which was through money and money is power money is definitely power we saw earlier how she was upset at her boyfriend and the money that she has and the power she has means that she employs a lot of different people and she asked those people to take away his access bracelet and they took him away from her and so money and power definitely gave her security from people hurting her her boyfriend her dating partner or person was hurting her feelings she told all of her people get rid of him throw him out of the festival and they did that so it's real and she is continually trying to chase that security and continually running away from the traumas that still plague her today she perceives that earning more and more money getting to 100 that 100 million dollars was going to make her feel better but then she didn't feel better as she said and she set a new goal a billion dollars then i'll feel safe as i said before when we're traumatized and we're distressed daily which which it sounds like she is she has nightmares this sort of thing you will look for a solution you will look for a way out for some people it's i'm going to have power and money and that will save me whether or not it saves you is debatable doesn't seem to be actually helping her in the end she's still suffering from nightmares other people will turn to substances that will numb me that will make me feel okay other people will turn to work workaholism other people will turn to having children as a way of alleviating that pain other people will turn to video games all these things are distractions and they can temporarily help and i would never take that away from people but what it doesn't do is it doesn't heal the underlying wounds this is iconic vanity fair ended up doing a huge story on it this was before the simple life so this is basically how the world got to know me coming out of provo i was also like very traumatized i never spoke to my family about it i think all my anger just went into my drive for success [Music] all right all my anger went into my drive for success and that is a good sublimation it's like okay i'm gonna i'm gonna put this into productive energy but does it heal the original pain that is causing anger anger to begin with doesn't seem like it for her it made me strong but when i think about it gives me anxiety it's really hard i don't know maybe inside my mind i was thinking like what i was doing in the picture it's like a big feel okay so she said something else there she said that i feel anxiety when i think about it that is a sign of trauma reactivity maybe ptsd when we're traumatized our body and mind we will be triggered sometimes later on and our body will go into fight or flight and we will feel that anxiety and it can be very very difficult that anxiety the triggered anxiety can last for weeks for some people it's not just like mild anxiety like oh i remember then and it was sort of sad for me and it was kind of scary no your whole body goes into a state of fight or flight that sustains itself for a long time and that can be very very depressing and demoralizing a lot of despair can result from that of just like uh i'm in a constant state of confusion my brain isn't working right i can't sleep at night i don't feel safe i'm constantly looking over my shoulder i don't know if that's what paris is experiencing but it certainly sounds like she's in that direction at least i don't know if my nightmares will ever go away but i do know that there's probably hundreds of thousands of kids who are going through the same thing right now agreed for a variety of reasons people are traumatized but specifically by these schools and i'm fairly certain i haven't done the research of course but i'm fairly certain that these schools are still in operation there hasn't been in my understanding any kind of pushback from society it's sort of like a ignored part of society that's going on where privileged kids are being locked up and who speaks out for them and as a person who graduates from those programs who stands up and says i went to one of those programs and i was abused we stigmatized people like that oh you must have deserved it oh you're a spoiled brat from a spoiled rich family there's not a lot of supports from society for people like this and i i have no doubt that this is still happening around the united states and around the world and maybe if i can help stop their nightmares it'll help me stop mine yeah and i i commend her for this now i want to be clear if i haven't been clear about this the parents who send kids to these programs for the most part are well me well-meaning they love their kid they their kid is exhibiting extreme behaviors yelling at the parents maybe even threatening the parents stealing from the parents using substances staying out all night running away from home for days weeks months i've been with parents where they actually have to buy a safe and they have to put all of their valuables in a safe so that their kid can't steal it from them skipping school not going to school being involved with much older people doing dubious things online committing crimes breaking into homes stealing cars robbing banks i've seen it all as a family therapist so these parents and i don't know about paris behavior i suspected that she had at least some of those behaviors growing up that the parents are well-meaning they care they're trying and they don't have any recourse they have tried to talk they've tried to discipline they've reached out to other people and nothing has worked and so they turn to these alternatives in these camps or these child prisons as i as i might call them will sell a good product they'll say hey for a hundred thousand dollars look at all these testimonials in fact here are three kids who graduated and why don't you watch a video of them and how their lives are so much better now after the program i also want to be clear that these programs can work for some people for sure why do they work well we don't really know there's not a ton of research on this area plus each of the camps are different each of the boarding schools is different and has a different approach to it so it's hard to know what's happening on a case-by-case basis you know for the success people were they already kind of getting better to begin with or were they getting better just because they just got older and if the parents just would have waited another year the kid would have grown out of that phase or did the program and their therapy actually help the kids you know it's it's possible but in my anecdotal experience i never saw it work i either saw the kids worse behaviorally after getting out or i saw the kids so hurt and so upset and so betrayed that any slight benefit in behavior change that you got was very much offset by the damage to the family relationships and to the child's trust in other human beings and potentially piled on trauma as a result as as what paris is is pointing out i think as a society we need to look at this and i often will talk about this with my trainees with my family therapy students is there's this impulse from people that when you see a teenager who is acting out and being uh annoying and problematic there's this impulse from society of just like they just need to be told what to do and you'll see this on sally jesse raphael and other kinds of shows like that where uh boot camp sergeant will come in and just start screaming at the kids there's something about our society and maybe our impulses where we just want to we just want to put that kid in their place and this is a hundred percent misguided the reasons why the kids are acting out is usually because of underlying wounds of some kind and to put them in their place as i said earlier it might actually work because they're terrified of being abused and so they might actually follow the rules but there's so much damage that can be done from that now i have worked with some people where a lot of discipline for a period of time did seem to work and then afterwards you know because sometimes i'll work with families for sometimes 15 years and so i'll see the kid at the age of 30 and they'll say you know what i was i was really being a bad kid when i was 15 and you know it was probably a good idea that my parents were cracking down on me i probably deserved it will you hear stories like that sure but as i said these boarding schools the attachment disruption and the betrayal and the potential physical trauma is not worth it in my book or at the very least the risk is not worth it and that's usually what i would say to the parents it's just like okay here are the possibilities and here are the percentage possibilities as i see it as it happening is that worth it and most of the parents that i talked to would say oh i guess not that isn't worth it some of the parents would say yes it is worth it to us because we can't sleep at night with that devil child sleeping down the hall from us this child is going to burn our house down this child is going to hurt our other kids and so yes we are willing to take that risk so it's a complicated situation and if you've been in that situation you know how complicated it is but if you're not in that situation it's easy to simplify it of just like oh the parents are evil oh the boarding camps are evil oh paris hilton must have deserved it once you actually get to know these families with teenagers it becomes a lot more complicated i've seen this person in 20 years and my purse part of going to those schools and having nothing and everything taken away and when i got out of there i was like i just want to have everything i want and like it's too much i don't know and you get everything taken away it's like you're just i don't know i just i don't i appreciate everything and i want everything i've been looking for my old roommates and people i became friends with there and that's an interesting statement from her as well that might point to her defenses and her lifestyle as we watch her it reminds me of people who grew up in the great depression and they had to really get by with very little and they would have to reuse things so an old coffee can you didn't throw it away because you might be able to use it for something because you never know when you might need a something like a coffee can and a lot of people that were older than me like my grandparents age you would find that they would hoard a lot of things and they would never throw anything away they would eat all their food on their plate because of that mentality that they developed when they were kids that you can't waste things or else people will die and so for her she had all of her things taken away from her she had all of her life taken away from her and she was very insecure she had no power and when she got out she was like now i'm in power and now i can buy things and now i can have my own things i can have my own homes my own cars my own assistants my own people that can push people away my own people that can take someone away from me if i need them to and that's a scarcity mentality or a mentality that is oriented toward making sure that you're never without things because you didn't have things for a period of time alright well that does it for that episode of psychology in seattle everyone out there please take care of yourself because you deserve it you really really do

Channel: Psychology In Seattle

Views: 306,546

Rating: 4.9385157 out of 5

Keywords: Paris Hilton, This Is Paris, documentary, therapist reacts, reaction video, commentary, analysis, couples counselor, Dr. Kirk Honda, psychology

Id: Bvrx9yjsbqo

Length: 26min 17sec (1577 seconds)

Published: Fri Sep 25 2020