The Tonight Show July 28, 1978

foreign [Music] Johnny [Applause] foreign [Applause] [Music] [Applause] you are you do you know something I don't know is there a full moon or is this just a full audience tonight wow I'm glad to see you all here tonight I'm glad you could get sitters for your test tubes don't you like Friday night crowds yeah everybody is not you know a yaha time I'm listening to tonight's show I'm Johnny Carson your friendly philosopher and here is today's thought for the day death is Nature's Way to keep you from inhaling smog there anyway we're coming to you as usual as we have for how many years we've been out here now six years seven going on seven years six and a half years we're in Burbank not Hollywood it says every night from Hollywood we're in Burbank nice down rather conservative well it is it doesn't swing too much for example if you go to the local sex Emporium here in Burbank you can buy a satin bed sheet with a picture of Senator hayakawa on it I have a late report for you I know you've been sitting here for a while late report just came in on the on the teletype yes just tore it off Anita Bryant just sent a telegram to England's Dr Patrick Steptoe warning him not to manufacture any test tube homosexuals [Music] how many even know what today is there's an anniversary today you know this no well I'm going to tell you don't get hustle about it I just about it's the anniversary of World War One First World War Began on this day in 1914. you remember World War one that was the war with the good songs I'm not playing too good lately there's some good economic news for a change well some good and some bad the good news is that gold broke the 200 Mark for the first time in some years it's at a record high but the dollar is at an all-time low do you know what this means it means your mouth is now worth a fortune but you can't afford to eat [Applause] I don't say this so you feel uh like I'm bragging I don't worry about money anymore because I have a fantastic business advisor shrewd man bombastic Pushkin and I have to be honest enough money to last me the rest of my life if I open a can of contaminated tuna tonight and wash it down with liquid protein [Music] did I tell you some of the things that bushing us put me into some shrewd Investments I own a used car lot sell those cells only use pintos I have the Perrier water concession at Lourdes a surplus store on Rodeo Drive that got me into some great things I'm awesome I'm also heavily in the show business I represent Peter Sellers for everything but except Pink Panther movies [Music] I have Roman Gabriel for football well what else is happening politics is always good for a few Chuckles obviously you're going to be the judge of that but let's find out you know already candidates are Making Waves about running for president in 1980 former President Gerald Ford was asked today and he says Don't Count Me In but don't count me out and he's been stepping up his public appearances I think Ford is getting ready to run you know how I can tell he's just called General Motors and ordered a roll bar for his head foreign [Applause] says he is considering visiting mainland China next year now that's the latest indication of his seriousness in seeking the presidency um and also Ronnie says his intention is to move a little more to the center of things now come on Reagan's a rather Ultra conservative but even if he moves to the center he's still going to be just a little to the right of Darth Vader foreign Ronnie looks like a president right he talks like a president he acts like a president but if the American people wanted that they'd have elected Gregory Peck [Laughter] okay here's a excuse me I tend to nod off sometimes during jokes are you a little scared every day when you pick up the papers to find out the latest food that you should not eat according to the Federal Drug Administration they come up something with something every day now another pesticide another food that is bad for that causes cancer the agriculture Department came out today and said that pesticides sprayed on carrots yeah carrots have caused cancer in animals that's all we need now when the rabbit dies you don't know if your girlfriend is pregnant or [Applause] [Music] or maybe the rabbit just had lunch who knows we have a good show tonight we have Mr McLean Stevenson with us tonight we have Charles Nelson O'Reilly Dr Lyndon Smith who's a famous baby doctor little teeny baby doctor yeah no come on yeah we've been doing that we always get a laugh with that he's little teeny well-known Peter little baby doctor and Bill Christian Bauer who's a young comedian who is uh kind of wild and crazy I think you'll enjoy him so thanks for coming we'll be back [Music] [Applause] Ryan O'Neal is the driver his reputation my line of work is kind of hard to come by Bruce Dern is the detective his reputation the toughest cop in the city but maybe you ought to be afraid of me two men driven by their need to prove they were the best Ryan O'Neal Bruce Dern Isabella Johnny the driver rated R now playing at a theater near you try some wheat checks honey no thanks they're so good yeah I bet and wheat is so good for you okay okay we checks are good they're smaller than I thought lighter than I thought we could be really tasty honey do something for me anything let me have some weed checks okay people who don't like Jack cereals have never tried Czech cereals [Music] [Applause] oh hi there this is probably the best looking crowd we have had in this show since last night [Applause] we haven't been up in the audience for a while it's always good to come up and say hello to you people and um we have some do we have some good prizes tonight for somebody who can stump the band any song at all they will know yeah yeah okay [Applause] but the Convoy make a wrong turn or what and bust them down Busters 10-4 hi what's your name Alan valeres where are you from Alan Seattle Washington are you really yeah what do you do up in Seattle teach music do you really yeah public school or what yeah yeah Bainbridge High School what are you doing down here taking trumpet lessons serious oh really is that your main instrument yeah what do you think of Doc wow as they say in musical circus okay what's the name of the song is it now there's going to be a legitimate song it is okay it's called the island song the island song can these guys help me wait a minute wait Bobby Bobby Bain has got it we got it he's got the island when I touch your hands that's not it isn't it it's the old this actually has words are this is the uh the rest of the troop here this is the trio the trail okay fellas a mangier looking group I never hope to see three four no [Music] circuit or something that's a symbolic of something Disneyland Frontier land you got these at Disneyland okay I'll buy that are you all set yeah or was this called the island song okay I need a note that's all you have left is it that's it the horn died oh the horn died the horn died sing me a song of the island sing me a song where the Penguins play Sing Me A Song of the island aloha there we go [Applause] foreign will be taken by pickup truck how would you like to go to Los Angeles Playboy club I can see you fellas in there no we'll get you all fixed up with a gal that we'll take care of you huh great thank you very much you take the young lady with you also oh yeah okay thank you hey right on right on hey yeah that's it get it together put it on right let it all hang out right on yeah baby anybody else here well certainly certainly am I standing up you are a Mystic uh Johnny Green from England Johnny Green hi you know there's a famous musician by the name of Johnny Green Alberta Yuri green you be green is it you be green too yeah he's the golfer right Johnny Green's a fine musician where are you from is he from England I whereabouts in England a place called Windsor where the queen lives well certainly I'm very familiar with it all right you don't you're not suggesting you live okay what do you do in England Mr Green holiday you holiday in England San Francisco I went to Vegas no here this is your first trip to our country yes first time what did you think of Las Vegas as an Englishman well I find San Francisco's very hard work the hills in Las Vegas you lose too much money those answers are all right so you landed up here what do you do in Windsor I work for Mars candy bars Mars candy bars thank you good good price that's a 25 year really you have probably not seen our show at all we're not seen in England are we no [Music] you seem happy somehow that we're not seen there is this the very first time you've seen our show yes first time what do you think of it so far without you've seen I don't thank you very much that's nice what's the name of the song The Bleeding races the blurden bleeding races the bleeding races the North Korea English song North Country English songs we got it wow [Music] this is how much I stay good [Laughter] Mr Green says this is a North Country English song oh wow did you do a few bars in that for us Mr Green I'll try [Music] you want to see the last is gonna the longest gotcha road to see the blade and races races [Music] [Applause] Mr Green I know our two countries share a common tongue but I didn't understand one word you said I'm from the north northern of England well it's nice to have you here it's nice to have you here we hope you enjoy your trip and we have something nice for you here a box of Mars Bars and four tickets so next week's No we have dinner for four at Casa De Carlos that's right out here in the valley in Woodland Hills thank you and have you got a couple friends with you yes they're right over here fine you can take them to dinner and one of our gal will arrange it for you thank you have a nice nice day here will ya okay anybody else okay they don't mean it they're all test tube guys what's your name Donna Bruner where are you from Donna Springfield Illinois what are you doing Springfield are you really is that safe to have x-rays I keep hearing that you shouldn't take too many x-rays now be honest with me you should be careful of it but it's it's more harmful because you're younger you know anything above 18 your risk decreases I want money the doctor comes out and says harmless and then he runs like hell and jumps over three three foot thick lead wall puts on a rubber suit and a pair of goggles and you hear this you know you're being sterilized right there the doctor is over there what do you do back oh your next Ray I asked that didn't I [Music] [Applause] the trust you've been married no no what are you what are you doing on here that's just a vacation I'm just driving around watching the Cubs lose yeah okay what's the name of the song the what McMahon fights no the Ed McMahon fight song is this man with yours he bothering you I just thought some stranger was making a move and I saw a guy stood up behind you there wait a minute well I know it is [Music] they tried this obviously is your uh your husband Hi how are you okay you want to sing a little bit of a divorce yeah thank you excuse me I had three there didn't I um is that about right every golfer in Moline is hoping Ed McMahon keeps his Quad Cities oh I didn't know you had a song thank you again we have dinner for Fort Dillons with discotheque in Westwood Village you'll have fun out there that's kind of a swinging Place huh we'll come back and do some more we have yeah Hi how are you good to see you my cord isn't long enough among other things [Music] these are the blueprints for an automotive Revolution this is the JCPenney shock absorber its unique patented metering pin adjusts the ride automatically while you drive so you get the control of heavy duty shocks when the going gets rough and the ride of original equipment shocks when the road is smooth and if it ever fails return it we'll replace it free for as long as you own your car the JC Penny shock absorber it's the last shock absorber your car will ever need ladies and gentlemen Miss Pia Zadora is made for lingering and that's what lovers do oh we're stolen kisses Candlelight next time Doubleday red or blind the French idea of a cocktail [Music] the French idea of a cocktail since 1846. foreign [Music] hi there anybody else have a song now what okay lady whose blouse keeps falling down here I noticed when we start coming up or you start doing that right away why were you confetti wood ring your Betty Wood ring where are you from Betty Woodring Helena Montana Helena Montana that's the capital isn't it yeah what do you do back there we'll plant nursery you raise flowers and stuff like that what are you doing out here on vacation on vacation what have you seen so far oh just the ocean mostly hard to miss very big if you go west you're going to be right into it what's the name of the song underwear song the underwear song this could be dangerous [Music] tomorrow [Music] [Applause] [Music] that's darkest freaky at times can you do a few bars of that this is a decent song isn't it because we have a very high class standard uphold here once I went and swim and wear there were no women down beside the sea so no one was there took off my underwear and hung it on a tree dove into a water like a Pharaoh's daughter dove into the sea someone caught me there stole my underwear and left me with a smile okay we'll pay off on that [Music] dinner before have you heard of the famous Marina del Rey obviously it's not as famous as I thought it was but it's kind of a swinging place a lot of singles live out there it's right next to the beach and it's a Marriott's Lorelei place in Marina del Rey dinner for four you'll really have what one more thank you very much oh sure what um I don't know what it oh I better go come on here young man okay hi how are you what's your name Steve Smith where are you from Steve New York okay that's your real name Steve Smith you must be murdered if you check in a hotel you go up there Steve Smith oh sure sure what do you do Steve I'm a student I'm student we're at at Binghamton in Upstate New York hey good for you good for you what's the song um it's it's an Old English folk song called ging Ganguly an Old English folk song called wait wait a minute one lady who's an Old English man himself Yin Ganguly done [Music] [Laughter] sit down foreign no I don't think so how does that go that's an Old English okay it goes like this you do the choreography no they look at these people these people are doing the choreography to the song you sing it and we'll watch it [Music] looks like a very bad rash or something I mean [Applause] it's a Boy Scout song that's an Old English these people from England say that's an Old English Boy Scout song Some people in the Royal Navy toilet to me well I didn't know that dude see what you learn if you stay around here long enough alrighty we have dinner for four at the sand castle at Paradise Cove out of Malibu you got a couple of friends with you thank you so you've had a nice time out here we'll do this we'll be right back with McLean Stevenson okay bye [Music] have instant fun with the handle kodak's lowest priced instant camera nothing to focus just Aim Shoot and up Pops what nobody else can give you bright brilliant color by Kodak and after all isn't color the way to choose an instant camera have fun with a handle all the kids do like us [Music] if Honda design car is the way most everyone else does you might not be as comfortable but at Honda all of our engines and drive shafts sit sideways so you don't have to now isn't that simple [Music] okay welcome back to our show [Music] our guest tonight are McLean Stevenson Charles Nelson Reilly Dr Lennon Smith little baby doctor and oh come on and Dr Bill doctor not Dr Bill just bill just plain virgin Bauer just plain bill on Monday night I should mention before we continue Bob Newhart will be here and his guests will be Bernadette Peters Susan St James Harry Chapin Jay Leno and Alan font and on Tuesday night we have one of our better shows we like to say and uh Robert Blake is on that particular show there he is uh mad as usual that night and Mr Mustin who is a delightful man Marsha Mason and a long distance Runner Marty licori is with us so that's on Tuesday and Bob on Monday and oh wow I want to mention something about doctor you're going to be gone this weekend aren't you right right uh doc on Monday July 31st doc will be in Kansas City at the Starlight Theater in concert with Linda Hopkins that should be for one week one week yeah that should be some kind of show Dr super and so is Linda my first guess what can I say about him that he hasn't said about himself the Midwest laid back uh Midwestern part of the country and he's going to be starting he has new television series called in the beginning which will Premiere this September as they say on another Network what's those are the breaks we have still have sermonette would you welcome McLean Stevenson [Music] [Applause] [Music] I did not know they made a wash and wear tux no dig a little Snicker if you will I popped 42.50 for this sucker are you going to a party tonight or what you mean one of those big time Hollywood gallots well I've never seen I've never seen even a tuxedo in my life well I'm not going to one of those things those 250 dollar plate dinner should get four tickets for a thousand dollars to go honor somebody that's made five million that year I just uh what's he doing man you got a point trying to find the bill here comes to uh this is a rental job yeah this is 30 I guess I should unbutton this when you sit there you go uh 3450 on the tech six on the shoes two dollars for sweat and stain deposit oh you get that back up Thursday I'll tell you the truth let me see what's true Stevenson McLean Studio today I'm not absolutely going nowhere a big night for me is to go out to Van on and Van Nuys at a Taco Bell drink beer with Harvey Carmen and talk to high school girls [Applause] I rented this tonight I've lost if you haven't noticed 37 pounds I was gonna say you are now I hosted the show I think it was on the 17th and they tell me I don't remember because when you hit the star with a bad monologue you know you don't know what you're doing um was the 18th no it wasn't was it no it was the 17th well it doesn't really matter the 17th of July you're right but they tell me I'm not sure I had this Bozo the Clown sport coat on because I was really getting down to the bottom of the Wardrobe and uh Nothing fits they tell me that I turn completely around and yet the coat didn't move a large wardrobe um well I've got about six quart coats uh two suits and a uh and corduroy knickers I don't wear those off but I'm having everything altered okay and I did six game shows last Sunday I have no clothes so I figured I'm gonna rent a tux well it looks you look very smart I kind of like me in it why did you lose it very nice I do I feel when does the when you have like what time do you have to have it back uh well it's going to be too late if I got it back to nine I'd get 450 back but I won't get it in until 9 30 tomorrow morning it's going to be the definite 42.50 because I'm starting to sweat right now so you can cross off the stain deposit right here yeah you know what is interesting to me I've rented Texas before is uh who used them before you got them you know what were they doing too well I put my hands in the pocket now you know when it isn't sewed up you know this sucker ain't a new one I mean you know you got one that's been out so I asked the guy where this had been and he told me and I wrote that down right here that you're looking at has been to a bar mitzvah two weddings incidentally these are gas sterilized he assured me of that they don't distracting and they gas sterilize them and uh the third uh fourth time went out was a sailor who attended his class of 1968 high school reunion which possibly explains the Band-Aid in the seat of the cancer penicillin tablets in the pocket and they would but uh they do they now yeah the shoes obviously are not new you can see those have got a few miles on them I figure if you can't read the uh um [Applause] [Music] I love that commercial it's my favorite one where people just yeah fall down they're not so subtle about that commercial you know this could make this could make an interesting premise for a for a TV show uh guy goes in and Rents It tucks and then starts to think where has this been and then you do a series of flashbacks with this one and you go to the Sailor to his high school reunion you go to the bar mitzvah you go to the wedding and you show listen I'm doing a new one uh starting this fall if it doesn't work can I get back to you I think that yeah don't you see possibilities in that yeah I think it would be uh I think it would be interesting sure um I'm I'm I'm delighted just to be working so anything a new idea to me right now is sort of you know in the old ear hole and out the other as they say you feel um when you put a tuxedo on do you feel more sophisticated do you feel more Debonair a little a little bit different well yeah I said I felt like Cesar Romero I should go to an opening or something tonight with this it's a shame to have this and just go home and watch the 10 o'clock news I think maybe I'll go to Ralph's and Shop here nobody would probably even turn around and look at you that's the problem no there's I might drive through Beverly Hills or something or go to the farmer's market have you got a date after the show tonight no but uh you know Farmers Market you could get lucky done a lot of that how was your arrived this may not be a proper question to ask but we know each other fairly well sure how is your romantic life at the present time on a scale of 10. if that's uh about a minus six just not going well well I told you I am I don't know what I'm looking for anymore I've tried just about everything I think the last time I was on the show I was sort of hoping of uh fantasizing about maybe a woman with a few rings around her trunk that like meatloaf from the 10 o'clock news um now I've sort of changed my life have you been dating well this may not be proper either but younger girls um well yes it isn't hard to be younger than I am really and still be able to date I mean would you say young ladies in their late 20s well anybody between say uh 18 and 30. uh is generally what you call your short-term relationship with me anyway um that's your a lot of uh Gucci stuff and gold gifts I'm really more into sterling silver and I find that women that hit 35 are really into Indian jewelry and macrame and bags you save a few dollars yeah yeah and I don't instead of illuminum Cook with the Tupperware parties and all kinds of stuff I um have you ever gone to one of these places uh Singles bars well they have groups you know for people who have been through a marasian and they get together well there's a lot of them Parents Without Partners right there's a yeah as a matter of fact um I I went to a party they're awful I demand yeah because they're all losers you know and you're and you feel like one too I don't mean to criticize those people because I have you know problems of my own but uh I don't think it's much fun to sit around and talk about bedwetting and sucking your thumb and stuff I hear a lot of God knows I tried stories you know a lot of those yeah you're right I I really like uh uh we have a lady on your staff here who I think I find very attractive Jenny fostick yes are you still pursuing well mind your business nosy Parker you brought it up and she happens to be on our staff I know I feel like kind of a father figure with our staff yeah well uh I I thought maybe with the tux I'd make my move a little later uh after the show well you might may pay off your 42.50 tonight yeah good for you but you have nothing serious at this point in your life no it's hard when you're when you you know when you work like well you you work like you do yeah um uh what three four days a month no that's cool [Music] that's cool no I'm delighted that's called that's called a cheap shot no I didn't know I Lord I'm trying to listen I want to tell you I'm I'm actually an afterthought I wasn't what you called book three weeks ago for the show you were kind enough to come into last minute uh yeah I was I think to Robert Redford or Burt Reynolds one of those guys uh canceled out at the last minute and of course Freddie wanted a leading man types so he called me and I was available um I think anytime you can make this kind of money sitting down you got to take it you know and whether you're a guest or a guest host yeah well she like this you if you sat here I like uh I like them both I like uh guests I think for one reason I think my right side's my best side now you'll notice there's a lot of times when I maybe just uh charming and not terribly funny but I always make eye contact with you that's right I never answer your question by directing it to Ed now when your guest host when I ask somebody a question there's a lot of looking at a bad hair piece and some tennis yeah they give you yeah well I think you know and you do you maintain that yeah I look right at you one-on-one relationship yeah so from that standpoint I like America to see the right side now for the big bucks um I'd rather sit in the chair over here it's much more prestigious I have people now uh well I've done it twice this month that's true uh and then I hosted the show twice too but uh it's the tuxedo that does that do you think you're we're going to cook I feel like you know these guys you see a picture there's a picture in the tree uh the trades for the folks out there in America are our own little uh actors and performers magazines that we read and they're always about three weeks behind in everything and there are people who have ads of themselves in tuxes most of them are singers and they're from Philadelphia and they'll be there'll be a picture like this and it'll say you know Bobby fim is back where the hell has he been I mean and then in the one corner it'll be personally managed by Darlene fudge of Indianapolis and an agency out of Tampa Florida you know I like the ones who have those ads you know like that but there's no name yeah you've seen some and you don't know who the person is sometimes you sit there and say that's a wonderful ad yeah who is it yeah they suppose that everybody knows them right so they were just blown about five or a big picture of yourself with no name that just says thanks to everybody yeah and you don't have any idea what were we talking about I don't know really uh well we talked about see when you the thing about being the guest to us you don't have to listen well that's you see or the hose you just sit here and people talking when they say what are you talking about you say I don't know yeah most of the time you don't know you just ask him a question you sit back and say well they'll carry this for a while I feel Vision I tuned out about 1970. oh this I'm a clone the Clone comes here and does this and I have trouble with my left eyeball uh well that's the first time that's ever been said I think so first time it's probably ever been said anywhere what's wrong with your left eyeball I can't when I'm talking to somebody read the notes when I'm guest hosting like you have a little uh you know little questions here I think it's fair to tell sure that's uh I mean this isn't just it is spontaneous yeah you have no idea what I'm going to say or what I'm going to do or do I care which is even more important that's right but uh I can never find where the hell I am in the notes and I know there's something that they want to talk about is there anything you want to talk about because I'm going to seldom look at him anymore um you're gonna blow yourself really no claim's gonna do his famous uh Kleenex trick go ahead all right oh boy I thought that that's starting to come off I'm the tan is going um well your new show we mentioned it well would you play a uh a priest I think it's I find it boring when actors come out and just talk about their career let's forget that then what else you want to talk about what the hell with you no it's going to be a good show and it's on another Network we can't say the network no we know that much but it starts with a C and um it's only shown in Canada uh no I think it's going to be uh Canada in my hometown Bloomington Illinois watch section now those are the folks from Springfield I was just well as well yeah beer no that's good country I was expecting I know it is uh um about two weeks ago oh we're going to commercial I better wait well you seem pretty well burned down I guess we might as well move on to our next guest listen we just burned them up move them along and you got it what you're going to be sorry you don't hear this story well save it for another time that's right we'll be back uh with McLean's story and lots of others [Applause] [Music] aren't you a little old for paper dolls it's a paper knife like on TV they say Pillsbury frosting Supreme is so smooth and creamy you can spread it with a paper knife paper knife let's see Pillsbury whips frosting Supreme thirty thousand times it's never too thin never too stiff it always spreads just right see it works I'll say Pillsbury frosting Supreme it always spreads just right even with the paper knife Mmm delicious [Music] [Applause] [Music] I have I'm looking forward to seeing uh Bill kirkenbauer he was on on the show my staff says he's completely nuts he was on one night with George Carlin uh when I was recently in Europe and uh he was a young comedian he appeared on the show he had won first prize in a city-wide competition among all the new comedians who are currently working in places like the improvisation the Ice House The Comedy Store and he did a whacked out crazy routine it's not your typical normal I'm going to tell you a joke stuff uh I'm glad you're in kind of a good mood tonight Friday Night Mood would you welcome please bill kirkenbauer bill [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you uh I'd like to start out by doing a couple Impressions right now uh my first impression is that of a Los Angeles garbage truck at 7 30 in the morning [Applause] [Music] foreign [Applause] good [Music] foreign [Laughter] [Music] [Music] I know what you're waiting for though you're waiting for the typewriter impression aren't you okay I'll do it I'll do it writer [Applause] [Music] you know I like to listen to noises a lot of strange noises in the world if you take time to listen to them uh does anybody know for example what the most hated instrument in the world is no no accordion is number two bagpipes is number one I don't dislike the bagpipes I just think it's kind of a weird instrument what gets me is somebody had to invent the thing the guy had to say to himself one day hola sir picking them that's some sort of an obnoxious musically 's real disgusting well sir happens oh [Music] these Six Million Dollar Man at a discotheque doing the bump [Music] [Applause] laughs [Applause] [Music] a stick of chewing gum [Applause] [Applause] [Music] foreign [Applause] [Music] [Applause] I like to widen my comedic Horizons right now by doing a little ventriloquism but I haven't got a lot of money and I can't afford a real good dummy so kind of bear that in mind and each other [Applause] ah this is Herman gibner Herman's a little bit different than you than you and I and that he was born without a body oh Herman likes your guys who thinks you're really neat he wants to sing a song you want to sing a song okay Maestro she'll be coming round the mountain she comes Shelby rounder when she comes she'll be around them and she'll be around the she'll be around when she comes [Music] she'll be coming around the mountain when she comes [Applause] [Music] thank you thank you thank you no no Herman you can't have a body every time when we get done with the ACT he thinks we can have a body because we make a lot of you can't have a body besides what would you do with the body if you had one [Applause] [Music] laughs so what do you want to do now since there are a lot of visitors to Southern California I'd like to give you a little preview of what you might see if you go to Disneyland this is my impression of the Matterhorn roller coaster ride at Disneyland I don't mean he took it thank you laughs [Applause] [Music] [Applause] thank you Bill kirkenbach thank you Bill [Music] please [Music] that's really funny [Music] his name is Bill kirkenbauer and I'll tell you what it would it condition the world is in now with all the crazy things going on it's it's nice to have somebody like they have a little Madness once in a while just out and out straight Madness he's great we'll be back in a moment thank you [Music] find a stain discover today's trigger spray and wash tough stains discover today's trigger spray and wash a lot of stains discover the economy refill for today's spray and wash and discover the special three-way action of today's spray and wash it penetrates tough stains breaks them up and floats them out in the wash make tough stains disappear discover today's spray and wash trigger refill and aerosol [Music] my next guest is as they say a very challenging Japanese a man of the theater in the Opera Charles Nelson Riley is one blade he directed entitled Paul Robeson opened last night in London starring James Earl Jones another play he directed The Bell of Amherst starring Julie Harris will be touring throughout the country this summer and next week the Verdi Festival begins in San Diego and he's going to be directing la Traviata that's wonderful I was gonna say that's quite a cross-section and I couldn't get the words out but they weren't very good words anyway would you welcome Mr Charles Nelson Reilly [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] how are you we'll discuss all of them well well well you didn't know it was that kind of an evening I certainly didn't do you have that feeling you might hear some tuxedo stories now too it might just well I just wanted to tell him gas sterilization is very dangerous I know Amanda Sportsman's Lodge the third dance it went down like that just you know what I mean just sitting here now but if you get a headache around 11 or 12 can't get old because otherwise the whole thing is this is my own everything is my own yeah well you know what I mean and it's probably the whole thing together is 39.80 so you see what I mean except the socks is that your name tag for Canada what the Broadway shows you're in a Broadway show they give you a name tag on your two pair of black socks or with my name tag these are some of these things I could kill a long series that's right when they in other words when they go out from the theater all the performers socks go out oh you can't take your socks home because if you come with yellow the next day they go crazy you're ruining the play the play stinks but the socks are going to make it better right and if everyone has black socks and there's no problem I wore black socks for 19 years just black socks just black socks a little white tags wow sweets not so bad how have you been I'm fine thank you you look good I'm all right I'm you know I was on a plane last night over a jet you get jetted in Chicago I came back early this morning the twitch doesn't show does it you have a little leg but we're flying we're coming I love to fly I really do I love to fly do you really don't hit it too hard stress and strain you see it's gonna cost you we're over Colorado River you know and it's about 1am in the morning and outside the left side of the plane there's the most beautiful electric storm one could ever see but the orange the lightning things do you know what I mean what are they called doctor the lightning good it's excellent the lightning bolts were orange coming right down to the Earth suddenly everyone is up in the aisles no one is reading People magazine or playing cards or anything all on the left side of the plane Captain Morton gets Sons Captain Morton there's an electrical storm coming over on the left side of the plane now we knew that eight minutes ago which makes your Nerf the cabin is lighting up like you're lighting up those no one has a light night light on so there's a lightning going like crazy but it was fine we passed through it but those things I never worry about those things are you fatalist if it happens no I I everything's fine for a while right you don't walk around with all these tags but nothing you know what I mean I'm okay for a while but there was one Landing I'll never I could hold on to this sure thank you there's one there's already a stressing string it's already four dollars on mine alone but anyway I'm coming in until uh about 12 years ago when they started Jets yeah I mean they start you know the Jets sure I remember them and and we're coming into Charlottesville West Virginia where I directed a play now we get in this plane do you ever direct plays with more than one people in them I noticed you have Paul Rosen yeah it stinks at Christmas of course you know you get one present and that's it but you know excuse me I didn't mean to interrupt you no that's okay so you're in Charleston West Virginia well we're on the plane it was that plane you're not supposed to ever go on I know I'm not supposed to say no don't say it though I'm not saying it I couldn't guess for you you know years I know do you know how it goes so anyway they say we're boarding on another gate and you don't know that and then when you get on the plane you see she has the name of this Airline on her hat and you get a little nervous because that's what it didn't say in the ticket they told you to pour it over there where they had another sign you're going oh bye then up on the plane it goes his name is on you everyone got loner can I have a Manhattan please you know right away it's eight o'clock in the morning but anyway we're going to Charlottesville weather on the 707 and it's the beginning this this airline has just bought this plane it's a big day for this heirloom the unnamed oh of course so we're going to Charlottesville West Virginia and the captain comes on about 10 minutes before the landing and he says this is Captain Morton same pilot well it's always capitalizing I said uh exact words quote Charlottesville is not equipped to handle get traffic so we'll be a little abrupt in our Landing now why didn't they tell you that it's a gate you know when you're buying them because you wouldn't get on the plane so it comes down like this that's I can work with music it's fun [Laughter] every cat I was in 4D the Caps were in 60. the guys had a shake case went to the back of the plane then you get this is 12 15 years ago you get off in Charlottesville West Virginia International Airport some guys front lawn and it's the International Airport I mean there's no Flags nothing is blowing there's no Runway the guy has a gravel pad like that huh we're here and she never lost her hat [Music] and that shine is a beautiful thing to see no matter what you see it on when it comes to my refrigerator I'm a fingerprint expert after he's cleaned up I clean up the tile that's a wind that shot hey it ain't cool if your Chrome don't shine that's a wind that shine Windex with ammonia D it's a beautiful thing to see I wish I could keep this bathroom Bowl clean between scrubbings get your wish with me automatic vanish huh I helped clean with every flush hang me in your tank you'll see [Music] with every flush I swirl a detergent and deodorizer under the rim and throughout the bowl to help keep it clean and fresh between scrubbings I get my wish with every flush automatic vanish for a cleaner Bowl in a fresher bathroom between scrubbings foreign host Chuck Mangione Bonnie Tyler Gary Busey and more one half hour from now [Music] [Applause] thank you [Music] I here tell that you were robbed recently well that cannot be funny no but because I'm a I'm a humorist I'm not a burglary you were Rob Rob what's the difference well it came in that break and Enter and they took were you did you were you burgled or were you robbed robbery is usually when somebody comes up with a gun and the screen was missing among other things that's a that's a burglar yes yes well I came home from work a couple of weeks ago she's out here yeah yeah first of all I think you know like I have a lot of money I have no money you have that man that you said you're gonna you have money all your life that's wonderful you deserve that I spend a lot of money I live in a limo so you can't go with a rented thing in a limo but if you've got it your own you live in a limo so anyway I spend a lot of money and he calls me this morning because we're gonna have to take a loan oh come on well it's true but I'll tell you but it'll be all right because I have a couple other things you didn't know about so I can get those in and you know it'll be all right but anyway if you weren't home I want to know but they think you have you they think you have money if you're on television you know what I mean sure so uh like I had my rug put in the back bedroom I have a back bedroom it's this big [Laughter] but anyway the guy stands in my back bedroom which is that big and he says so excuse me but is this the master suite I said it's a small back bedroom what do you mean Master Suite that's the toilet three by two and it's the bedroom nine by eleven they think Beverly Hills they get all carried away so these guys came in I came home I said guys it could be girls I don't know I don't want to get letters of trouble I'm just getting it over now person's unknown came in yes I put the time at five Johnny but the time I got home about at eight all right I got home at eight and I'm coming I had two house guests two wonderful women that have known for years and they had good things in the back room anyway a small bathroom but anyways I understand that you said the Playboy clubs I have a girl is going to take care of you you said that and I went right by which was wonderful that's how sophisticated a tuxedo type show can be that's right but anyway I came home and two women there when they were no they were with me ah see how it's thickening yes and we came home and the window by the screen or the window I'll try to get it straight guys I have to be in court the window nearest the door the screen was on the floor but bent it didn't fall off like a wind or something a bat or something because I went through my mind went bad you fell you knew right off oh big case right and it was bent and it was off and so that's a clue then it was a sting as I turned to the front door it was open that much and I said to myself I have been robbed or burglarized or whatever you know whatever you say right and I went in and the place was like a bomb hit it everything was taken taken out and you know it's fun so I called the police right away it's funny because I've been calling the police that fired about what's been going on people you buy your own stuff you can get a lot of trouble so I called the police and they came right away and this is true do you know what their names were they were wonderful it's wonderful police you know what their names were Captain Morton no foreign [Applause] true policeman Justice and policeman laws oh come on now this John Davidson who tell John David said everything anything he love the jewelry if you say John Joe and Joe is four and McLean has a lovely daughter nine-year-old Jennifer heels are you kidding me this is a lighter John he'll say you kidding me but anyway get the director in other words you told him all right so that's their names if you went to Norman Lear and said what about two handsome guys Justice and laws he'd say man so anyway he's going around there checking the fingerprints with that black powder and the stuff I have is stinks the point I want to make is they didn't get anything because there's nothing there I don't own anything you know what I mean there's no paintings there's no Furs and no jewelry so I'm going around looking this I have my one watch on and there's nothing they can take I have a TV set that's built in the wall the house would be easier to take right you can't move it so they took nothing they took nothing because there's nothing really to take how about your screen I call in the morning that's a good point no that screen it doesn't matter right but anyway the point I want to make is I was looking around because I felt that there would be a sign on the wall saying this job stinks this hole is not one of the biggest no Hope Diamond here something and there was nothing till a few minutes later when I went into the toilet they put my hair piece in the toilet all right and I went down that's the sign so the other thing is I couldn't find my shoes tonight and and the black patent Leathers are gone so now we're looking for someone who has their own hair I'll go slow if you're taking notes yes someone with their own hair size 13 who's crazy about patent leather now Harley Sully yes it's true now let me get destroyed that the hairpiece was in the John's sandwiches the other day I'm glad everything is safe and you didn't get no I I it's luckily you weren't home you see that's when you can be dangerous then I panic and who knows but you feel sorry for people have to do this I have to do this commercial of course we'll do this and Dr Lennon Smith little baby doctor [Music] Pringles Pizzeria [Music] hey looks heavy can I help hi I'm majoring in Beach wraps get a Pringles beach wrap free by mail when you buy four Pringles multi-packs get details and special certificates on display at participating stores find out how to get a free bee trap when you buy four multi-packs of Pringles you can take away those old songs Like My Sweet Adelines of mine you can take away those major chords and four part harmony but please don't take my Gusto from me if you don't have Schlitz you don't have Gus though brother you don't happy here [Music] [Applause] our good friend uh Dr Lennon Smith is with us again tonight his minute and a half television series is called house call it's syndicated health tips you see now in many parts of the country would you welcome please baby doctor London Smith [Applause] [Music] hahaha how are you doing come on out here a sec we uh I'm gonna get down here and talk to this young man we've been doing this joke about Dr Leonard Smith for so long on our show saying little baby doctor we thought just for the fun of it would bring your baby down here what's your name David David what's your last name Adam David how old are you David five you're fine have you ever been on television before yeah lots of times [Applause] [Music] things like that what are some of the products you know you've done commercials for I don't know what the cereal something like that or no commercial where do you live David you live out here in Los Angeles no where are you from where were you born in California California you got any brothers and sisters one brother one brother one brother what's his name Eric yeah you go to school yes what grade you in I'm just going into kindergarten kindergarten you looking you're looking forward to it yeah yeah well you're a nice young man thank you for being on our show tonight you come back and see us again sometime yeah okay thank you David [Applause] [Music] we'll be right back [Applause] why you've certainly grown since the last time I saw you we'll do this and we'll come back it's probably the real Dr Elena Smith Stay With a real [Applause] there's never been a better time to be a woman things have changed for women well to keep up with you Kotex design Kotex light days panty liners just right when a mini is too much whisper thin oval with three strips of adhesive to keep them secure Kotex light days panty liners just right when a mini is too much with three strips of adhesive to keep them secure it's just one of the ways Kotex is keeping up with you doctor what kind of uh we don't have as much uh timers with life what kind of complaints do you get from parents now during the summer there's special problems with kids in the summer you know they can't find their doctor is one thing on vacation unless your kids get sick uh there are all sorts of things getting overheated and getting bitten and stung it's a little minor irritating things but every once in a while a child gets very sick and you think well it's just the flu and it turns out to be appendicitis or something kind of nasty and there is a test that it's it's worthwhile that now that you bring it up uh that uh a surgeon invented and uh well yeah if you have the flu it's you know it's the cramp and they're throwing up and the and then you feel pretty good for a while maybe a couple of minutes then you throw up again or have a loose stool but if uh and sometimes that's the the penicilla starts that way so you don't want to miss that because that's kind of nasty and can wipe you out uh appendicitis supposed to be a constant pain in the lower right side now sometimes you can detect this by having the the patient usually you know let's say of 5 10 16 year old kid jump off his bed now if he jumps off his bed and lands on his uh it's flat out like that if the appendix kind of goes Boeing oh and just really puts him on the floor but with the flu it doesn't put him on the floor so that's if you can get him to stand up and do that which is a little way that you can you know it'll be severe but at least yes it's sort of like a whiplash in there the appendix is inflamed and it's good because everybody one time gets those little things and usually it's a little gas bubble or something and you go oh appendix right away and it goes away but I thought of something and I thought this would be a great uh medium in which to help America dispel some old wives tales and I want to tell you a story about a a woman a grandmother wrote me that uh her Grand's daughter was living in California uh that the her that the grand that her son and her son her daughter-in-law were allowing this girl her granddaughter who's about 13. to take a bath during your menstrual periods and she wrote me this letter she said as everybody knows this is very dangerous because this is the way you get tuberculosis no no and so she said please write my son in California and tell him not to let his daughter take a bath during her periods and then to sign some assumption and she said P.S don't tell him I told you to write and I thought um he's going to get this letter from yes so dear sir it's come to my attention that you're allowing your daughter I don't know but actually what we found out that there is a point to this you know every old wives tale has sort of there's a sort of thing of a message yeah and it means that it's not so important when you're bathing it's with whom you're bathing now if you're sitting at the plug-in of the tub and you're faced with somebody with tuberculosis at the anti plug-in and you're breathing on each other sure you're likely to get tuberculosis so that's what you have in mind so I wrote her that with this information and she has now um sent her some that information and but it is better to sit on the plug end of the tub though if you let the water running you're into uh more bullets yes both face the plug thank you I didn't yes could I have you help me yes in my practice what are some other myths oh there's a well there's a here's a good little uh we're finding some of these old remedies that we you know we thought typographies and all of these things well there's a good one that maybe I can't remember if we've ever mentioned in the middle of the night there's an earache drugstore is closed you call the doctor and he says you know call me tomorrow give a couple as and stuff but if if you boil up an onion it has to be a Bermuda on you not the green a bowl big onion right and take the core out and it's soft and warm it stick it in the air and this plugs it up and and you know the it's the air that was wafting over this painful eardrum that causes the pain and you uh you of course you're using aspirin and a lot of uh you know comfort and love and then this but this stops the earache almost right away with most ear infections it's an old friendship remedy the next day you have to somehow get that thing out of there which we should we should people that they're having to be young children but we're not suggesting you go out and stick onions in your ear no no no but it should if you boil it first now some people have stuck peanuts and things there and then they start to grow and they swell up and so it's going to be bamboo there's but there's a lot of wonderful things there's a uh just the other day I had some vitamin E capsules in my office and the kid came in with poison oak and then she was you know had the usual Calamine stuff and scratching and we opened up an e capsule and rubbed it on her wound and then within five minutes the the itching had gone down there are lots of all those properties they attribute to some of these things Mother Nature has provided the the poisons in the Earth has also provided some of the remedies and I think it's sort of testing us out people say eat natural food you know food isn't natural food well uh you know natural foods from organic foods from Health Foods or three different things they're Health Foods anything they're organic foods and there are natural foods and they all sound great all the advertisements are natural it's like they have 10 of some natural ingredient in a food they can call it natural yeah but you think you know we say two people just eat what God put on this Earth well God put rhubarb leaves and potato stems and there's toast mushrooms I think what the message is he's trying to eliminate some of the not so bright ones I have a I have a friend that's um uh they love mushrooms and so they're gonna have steak that night so he goes out and collects uh what he hopes or mushrooms and not toadstools and uh so when he gets home he says I'm not too sure so he takes a slice off each one a teeny little slice and eats this if he doesn't have any sweating and funny pupils and gets weak and Fanny then he says this is okay so he isn't there a better way to do yeah buy him at the store it's much better yeah that is dangerous so you it's possible to do some of these things but there there are a lot of old wives tales that really make some sense there's a there's a aloe vera plant that you can put on things that really helps but we have to cut away we'll come right back foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] thank you doctor it's always fascinating I hope you come back with us coffin really Charles Nelson O'Reilly and McLean I understand that uh you guys are going out together no this is your joke no the truth is we we're doing a big time concert tonight at the Hollywood Bowl ah for the guys staying in stress Foundation the Wipeout gas sterilization right and uh Harvey Kerman and the weather is lovely and say hello to Captain Morton for me yeah he's fine Monday night Bob Newhart will be here with Bernadette Peters who's in St James Harry Chapin Jay Leno and Alan fun thank you have a nice weekend good night [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] foreign [Music] foreign foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign [Music] foreign [Music] foreign [Music] [Music] foreign [Music] foreign [Music] foreign [Music] foreign [Music] foreign [Music] foreign [Music] thank you 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Channel: Carson Tonight Show

Views: 15,472

Keywords: Carson Tonight Show, Carson Tonight, Tonight Show, Johnny Carson

Id: ZNsUe91IIE4

Length: 112min 12sec (6732 seconds)

Published: Fri Feb 24 2023