The Royal Variety Performance 2017

the london palladium for the royal variety performance in the presence of their royal highnesses the duke and duchess of cambridge the show is in aid of the royal variety charity of which her majesty the queen is patron the royal party are introduced to lori mansfield life president of the charity and its chairman giles cooper as the royal party makes its way into the theater the fanfare trumpeters of the band of the irish guards together with michael ball and alfie bowe lead the national anthem [Music] uh [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] us [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] me ladies and gentlemen will you please welcome one of history's great icons an international sensation with the sex appeal of monroe and minogue rolled into one who has just handed me this to read it's your hostess miranda heart thank you thank you very much your royal highnesses my lords ladies and gentlemen welcome to the royal variety 2017. [Applause] we are coming from the beautiful london palladium the heart of british show business what a thrilling night it'll be because of course [Music] there's no business what's happening like sure business it's just in me like no business i know the business is taking over everything about it is appealing you may want this to stop but it won't everything the traffic will allow barring the congestion charge in the ubers nowhere could you get that happy feeling [Music] i don't want to cause a song and dance about it cue my massive opening number five six seven eight [Music] [Music] let's go [Music] [Music] let's have a celebratory night tonight let's park life difficult as we can and think only on the good they're sick of puppies and babies and you madam and the joyous variety of the arts of which we have a glittering array there's no people like me and we're having a michael moore everything about them is a feeling [Music] [Music] oh [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] the leading ladies [Music] [Applause] [Music] please you've been to a sex concert [Music] [Music] i want to cause a song and dance about [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] it [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] oh weren't they fantastic those dancers although there was only one natural swan up there i feel what an honor it is to be hosting this evening it really is and you'll be pleased to hear that the status of the event hasn't changed me at all no no get me my throne now i just insist on a throne being brought on by two dancers all the time thank you you can go now lovely it's not camp at all is it it's fun that there we go throne envy i'm excited because firstly this is a wonderful celebration of fantastic mood lifting work across the arts and over some mood lifting right for some joy i don't know if you've noticed there's a lot of depressing chisel going on out there in the big bad world but i don't want any of it in this room tonight not on my hosting watch absolutely not park your woes at the cloakroom no brexit chat here please no no trump the only trump here was me backstage two minutes ago now if you know me at all you know that i want to encourage people to jolly life up where possible because life can be tough so i expect some galloping in here tonight if you don't know why it's because i'm on a life mission for adults to reclaim the gallop from toddlers and don't tell me the world would be a better place with adults galloping i offer it up to the young royals as a way to liven up a formal event it could be fun a service at westminster with a royal family galloping down the aisle followed by the archbishop of canterbury i deal with the black beauty theme music piped in on the organ [Applause] just a thought very lovely very posh here of course very smart people posh people are quite difficult to socialize with i think sometimes um there's a lot of wonderful eccentricity to deal with isn't there recently well a few years ago to do i got stuck with this old major who bless him had this sticky leg and whenever he sat down it went like this always the throne's moving it went like that and when it whenever it did that he shouted down boy really loudly everybody jumped no honestly his dog was permanently confused i mean he went like that for some reason his wife would scream you would have thought she got used to it by now to go down boy and then when she screamed i screamed everyone looked at me but people at this parties have covered up the eccentricity with the hallowed posh phrase such fun even such one such one with a richter screen such fun in fact i've just had a such fun idea to really get this royal variety going let's recreate a posh party together okay i'm more excited than any of you but we're doing it anyway so the people at top hello hi up there the peasants are lovely um if you do for the posh party if you do the such fun such fun thing yes so try that after three one two three yeah it's not bad didn't sound like you were having much fun such fun work on your motivation that'll be lovely then um hear the middle classes here excluding the royal box the says you can join in if you do a posh thing they do of when you're talking to them they often go yeah yeah yeah yeah so off three try that one two three oh very good slightly demented sheep wasn't it and down here hello if you do the posh mumble i don't if you notice but very upper-class british people they speak completely without miles closed like that there's no movement going on here whatsoever so all you can really hear us [Music] that's the posh mambo try that one two three oh that came worryingly easy now we need something you sir will you then be the major with the dicky leg okay so i'll stop them doing that point at you and then you've got to shout down boy yes you up for that and then your wife is this your wife no well it is now when he says down boy you've got to scream yeah when she screams everybody screams and then we need a final somebody to do the final line to say such fun who to ask [Applause] focus everyone i don't want you letting me down i don't want you letting yourselves down i don't want you letting the nation down no pressure okay this would be great this will really sound like a posh party as well one two three again here we go keep it going keep it going bringing the posh mumble it really sounds like a pop card by the way it's brilliant [Applause] take that off my list that's marvellous because i've i've got a royal variety to-do list uh but as it's showbiz i'm calling it my ta-da list i won't be happy until prince william has said such fun tick thank you sir forever grateful until prince william i promise they aren't all about you has galloped the night is yet young until i've danced on the palladium stage to my favorite song bring me sunshine it's unlikely but it's a dream childhood dream uh until i flirted with the lord oh there's one there hello hello would you like to do some leaping sorry this is i've been single for so long now if somebody says to me who are you with i say vodafone are you and finally leapfrog over a major american sitcom star we shall see there's a lot to get through tonight everybody that's the to-dah list so let's see who's the first of our fantastic acts and there really are some amazing performances tonight we've had a little hint of their brilliance in the opening number now let's see their full glory from the theatre royal dreary lane the all-singing all-tapping cast alongside principals tom lister claire health and jasmine ifear it's the beautiful and truly uplifting musical 42nd street [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] oh [Music] change lines [Music] going right [Music] go go [Music] okay kids wigs and dressing room costumes downstairs i'm sorry mr marsh i'm going back to allentown what was that word you just said allentown i'm offering you a chance to star in the biggest musical broadway scene in 20 years and you say allentown come on along and listen to the lullaby of broadway the hip hooray and ballyhoo [Music] the daffodils to entertain and angelos and maxis when a broadway baby says good night it's early in the morning manhattan babies don't sleep tight until the dawn [Music] good night let's call it our day [Applause] [Music] come on along and listen [Music] [Music] [Music] is [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] oh [Applause] [Music] still to come the cast of miranda reunite pop sensation paloma faith and britain's got talent winner tokyo meyer now i was gonna have on my to-dar list try and join in on an act without them noticing i thought it would be really fun but as you can see already they are too extraordinary the acts to join in and particularly the next act which is an acrobatic circus troupe ethiopian brothers bibi and bishou dreamt of being part of a circus with their amazing juggling skills from a very young age but they thought it wasn't possible because there was no circus tradition in ethiopia but they persisted and they are so excited to be at the royal variety performance we should be more excited to have a chance to celebrate their journey and their work they have flown in especially from ethiopia so will you please give a very warm welcome to circus abyssinia [Applause] [Music] the theater has relaxed home from home now i feel we've given in to how expensive everything is now haven't we would you like a program no thank you i'm saving for a holiday it's madness and no one's had the dreaded phone go off moment have they nothing worse than being tutted at by a british theater audience absolutely terrifying why do you looking at you a bit more of a landline crowd no way stop it whose is that hell it's mine not such fun not such fun single mother no hello or don't answer it well it might be something important well this is quite important they're all variety have i had an accident at work listen what i call sunshine do you want an accident at work because i will hunt you down mother no sorry carry on i was at the back and i wanted a better view oh that's kind no not of you of the royal party right in real life they're absolutely tiny the nocturnal is the wrong way around oh oh sorry yeah that's better oh god they're so gorgeous can you believe it they've got an ipad and they're watching the crown no i suppose it's like a reality show for them it's there i'm a celebrity get me out of here i'm sorry i just want to get on with the show you don't mind sorry we'll know what's happening what's going on please excuse you sorry who's super polio and saturates such varied funny if a member of 1d was in my 1d miranda imagine yes well it beats miranda's last performance in the village panto when a costume got caught in the door no one was ready to see her widow twanky right mother you come down here and you two get up here you're sitting on people i'm sorry can we come backstage yes come backstage yes i'm hoping i can meet the poshest man in america kelsey grammer you know frasier in that sitcom what's it called frasier great shows came about the title when they named the sitcom after the characters like they haven't tried doesn't it he's the classiest thing america's got and so sexy his voice is like a pumice stone you want to rub it all over your body i want to burn my ears off listen come backstage have a snoop there's an act on now okay and we'll report back in five minutes on findings oh i'm coming what i call backstage before i go excuse me sir would you just stand behind me just hold your arms out like this thank you very much i'm king of the world such fun yes reverse scallop [Applause] here seaweed perform guilty from her number one album the fabulous paloma faith [Music] i can't accept my faith [Music] you and i know [Music] is [Music] my you had this picture of me now i have shredded your dreams i know the truth [Music] me without you [Music] the one thing i'm good at is messing up somebody else's [Music] just is [Music] [Music] still to come tonight louis tomlinson some familiar faces and the cast of annie enlist a special recruit please [Applause] i am thrilled to announce the next performance if i was to have a favorite which i know i shouldn't but if i was this would have to be it because i was privileged enough to share the stage with them for four and a half months earlier this year in nikolai foster's oh did you come along we're talking about annie which um thank you which is still running at the piccadilly theatre in the west end and it now stars meera syel as miss hannigan so will you please welcome doing the classic it's the hard knot life it's the young cast of annie [Music] foreign [Music] blankets [Music] [Music] no one tries when you rise [Music] is [Music] [Music] i said get away [Music] [Applause] [Music] is [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] i love you you excited to be here have you seen the duke and duchess do a little wave oh it's too sweet now uh before you go i just wondered if you might have anything to say about uh performing with me over the summer for four months i just thought maybe you might have something you wanted to say no did you have anything you wanted to say ruby you are more goddess than women and even amongst goddesses you would be looked up to the goddess queen as it were or goddess president depending on how the goddesses organize their social system what a very lovely spontaneous compliment thank you so much lovely and what would i get sent to my dressing room would you think five deliveries a night can you stick to the script what should i get sent to my dressing room flowers yes every night you received many bunches of flowers from mysterious men whose handwriting suggested they were tall dark and went to the gym yeah thank you for that and finally do you have anything you'd like to say nicole it was a pleasure and an honor to work with you miranda i already planned to tell my grandchildren about you even though i'm 7. [Applause] now before you gallop back off is this someone that you wanted to ask to gallop i don't know they could do maybe a seated gallop or a standing gun up is there someone that you wanted to ask please sir [Applause] yes [Music] [Applause] please welcome with his latest single miss you it's the one and only louis tomlinson maybe i miss you [Applause] stay tuned to see the cast of miranda and a very special guest plus incredible performances from the leading ladies and the killers [Music] please welcome the incredible vocal talents of beverly knight cassidy johnson and amber riley the leading ladies [Music] [Laughter] [Music] my feet [Music] somebody me [Music] [Music] somebody [Music] [Music] crazy [Music] [Music] somebody [Music] [Applause] [Music] got no fear [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Music] somebody [Music] somebody somebody [Music] [Music] [Applause] oh oh and genus that stage is amazing it's unbelievable nightie there's a whole other side okay yeah don't explore but just remember be cool oh no oh what i just called seal walrus meeting famous people it's so hard to get the level right no it's true that isn't it because you basically either go oh hi whatever who are you what do you do to sort of conceal excitement which basically ends up being being rude to sort of nonchalant rudeness or you just go oh my god it's you i love you there's no middle ground middle ground oh my word i just call paloma faith pavlova no and then carried on and grabbed her chesticles and said lovely little meringues why why it's so hard to pitch it with famous people there's no middle ground no it's either i love you or whatever exactly ah gringulating i just autographed louis tomlinson's head [Applause] it's just i was either going to be all like whatever i'm actually glad frasier wasn't there i'm not sure what would have happened well listen we can't mark this up anymore okay we've got to nail this right now be definite on the greetings so particularly with the one kiss or two kiss thing or just go straight in with the handshake yes that might be better because there's nothing worse than going in for two kisses when they were going in for one nightmare yes thanks um i'm just gonna sit down for a few minutes or maybe uh [Applause] [Music] kelsey grammer don't call him frasier if i happen to say don't let penny see she'll go wild no distract her distract her penny penny i'm gonna have to it's quite hard to put leapfrog in a past tense let's just say that i leapt like a frog over a major american circumstance i'm sorry um can i just introduce myself my name is miranda how are you nice to meet you sorry i didn't see you there stevie tilly tilly stevie stevie timmy didn't go well oh no what's going on nothing what was that that was an owl don't worry i've got this oh dear wow hello well hello to you i'm frasier no i'm i'm kelsey i'm i'm so sorry i just i'm so sorry you're from that that sitcom the one that's named after the title character was it maureena miranda melandra miranda gosh i just think you're so wonderful i mean you are such fun [Applause] [Music] forget the middle ground he can help himself to top and bottom ruined it now kelsey i know a great place for tossed salads and scrambled eggs what is a boy to do [Applause] plenty more to come including the spectacular cirque du soleil the brilliant jason manford and the one and only seal let's treat you with an act regarded as one of the world's most iconic live spectacles they have performed in over 450 cities and more than 60 countries and they're here to perform a captivating sequence from their new production ovu which makes its uk debut at the royal abbott hall in january and in cities across the uk next summer go go go it is the awe-inspiring cirque du soleil [Music] [Music] me [Music] [Music] [Applause] [Music] so [Applause] [Music] [Music] so [Applause] [Music] [Music] [Music] so [Applause] so [Music] [Music] [Music] [Music] [Applause] please welcome one of the hottest comics around it's tom island [Music] nice to see you are you having a lovely time good the thing to remember about me is i've never really fit in like i've never really fit in with my family like i realize i come up here and sound all posh probably quite intimidatingly so to you but i'm actually from a very ordinary london family they speak almost entirely in cockney rhyming slang they are always talking about the stairs and recently i've been living with a couple they're called dad and mom and what i've realized since living at home is how difficult it is to be a child since i'm basically living as one i think being a child is so hard and probably the first thing we make them do is we send children to school going to school it's horrible it's like sending children to prison and i went to quite a rough school it was the sort of school where people come up to and say things like are you here you want to fight dude you want to fight is that why you play like that you want to fight is that one yeah you want to fight is that really good i got a fight i've got to fight and i'd always say oh no thank you but thanks for thinking of me bye bye bye those girls could be so cruel and so to avoid getting picked on everybody had the same of everything just to blend in so everybody at my school they had the same pencil case it was a pencil case that was designed to look like a packet of walker's crisps and in it everyone had the same math set which comprised of a ruler maybe a foldable ruler for travel and a ruler which was great for underlining things wasn't it until you got to the middle they have a big bump in the middle and there'll be a protractor and a set square which wasn't a square was it it was a triangle and then there'd be a compass oh i'm glad i learned how to use a compass not a day goes by and then what's worse what's worse is if you go beyond that then you have to get invited to children's parties which is very stressful like it's you worry about getting will you get invited in the first place say it's like ryan's birthday party in your class ryan would have been bought a pad of pre-printed invitations on which he would have written his details so you'd receive an invitation which basically read ryan is having a birthday party on the 23rd i'm back please come to my party and it'll be a dotted line which you'd hope would be perforated but you'd have to get the scissors the day the party would arrive and you'd be driven round to ryan's house you'd be allowed to walk up the path on your own in the background you'd hear the sound of now which was your parents deserting you for the afternoon with these strangers you'd ring the doorbell ryan's mum and aunt would answer the door and he's having a very stressful time and uh ryan's mom and say come in come into my house please take your shoes off and it was always very stressful taking my shoes off because i didn't learn to tie my shoelaces until quite late my parents would always say to me what are you going to do when you grab if you can't tie your shoelaces and i'd always respond by going duh espadrilles [Applause] then maybe going out to do some sort of activity like bowling which meant you got to go out with ryan's dad in ryan's car you have to put your shoes back on you have to go in ryan's car brian's dad's car which this was a time bearing in mind but it was completely fine to transport 15 children in one stranger's [Applause] friend mickey you don't mind getting the boot do you make it it's all right i've taken the parcel shelf off so you can breathe but remember if you see the police get down and then you get to like croydon mega bowl great and mega ball which was decorated to look like miami in the 1950s even though it was on the pearly way you have to go in past all the gangs and then you go up and then you have to take your shoes off again because as we know the flooring of the bowling is so precious you cannot wear your outdoor shoes on the flooring of the body we know this is the roll we all know this and then you'd go over to do the bowling and you'd feel like you had to prove something so you choose a ball that was far too heavy for you better get your fingers around it you drag this ball to the end of the lane drag it drag it to the left lob it into the middle of the lane it would immediately go in the gutter and that'll be the end of your experience of bowling and i remember thinking even then why is this floor so precious we can't wear our outdoor shoes on it but it's completely fine take a 15 kilogram ball and smash it into the middle of it then you have to go back to ryan's house where anne would be preparing a birthday tea then the lights would go out and i'd always think oh my god are we being raided but no because then what would happen is suddenly anne would re-emerge quite satanically under lit by flames [Music] happy birthday all in different keys happy birthday to you then right after his candles he'd basically just spit all over a cake make a wish ryan maybe for a dry cake but you never get to try it because i would whisk it away chop it up into chunks shove it in a paper napkin put in one of our party bags hang those out and then turn to everybody go get the hell out of my house oh it was a wonderful time to be alive my name's tom allen enjoy the rest of your evening and i hope i see you again one day soon good night right our next act might get the royal seal of approval little hint there i know it's very exciting but before i introduce him i am just going to do a quick selfie with everybody but ready say dutchy organic cheese it's brilliant boy or selfie quick rule of thumb i've done a burst which for the landline crowd is a number of photos not a euphemism okay lovely thank you that was very thrilling um now we please welcome a magnificent man who is performing luck be a lady tonight from the new swing album standards and boy the standards are high it is the fabulous seal [Music] tonight [Music] [Music] [Music] with me [Music] a lady never leaves her escort it isn't fair [Music] other guys [Music] never get out of my sight [Music] tonight [Music] the lady doesn't flirt with strangers she'd have a heart she'd be nice [Music] let's leave this [Music] a lady [Music] lady [Music] [Music] still ahead a spanish surprise the extremely talented tokyo myers and there is nothing like a day [Applause] right i've left mrs cattle prod under a very intense air dryer i've got about 10 minutes before she goes to madeleine monroe to madeleine manson okay you are sure we will not be found here well calm down will you mate you had a bag of nerves kenneth i jump deadly with a sirius i jump on my second warning from miss temple savage if she catches me smoking one more time when i should be behind my pullback i will be up for the big chopper oh look at you again not making jokes no no you're not i've had more laughs on oap vaginal fridays oh do you know what after the morning spent breathing in out-of-date permanent solution and standing down winder jacqueline that she's been to a middlesbrough swingers association annual finger buffy it's like a breath of fresh air that is hey do you know i have heard the uk they are banning the cheap cigarettes yes it's true the uk prime minister boring the spider he is banning all of the cheap spanish cigarettes after the uk leave the european unicorn european union is what i am saying mateo you cannot believe everything these politicians say remember the old saying you know when a politician's lying their lips move [Applause] on neptune stage do you know how dangerous it is to smoke on the stage i am not smoking i've had just about enough of trying to run a hotel with a staff full of imbeciles i mean i can't tell you the last time is she okay he's probably forgotten the lines you're not only swimming now love you can't just make it up as you go along wait everything seems so much bigger in the dark yeah thank god for that otherwise i wouldn't have a sex life [Applause] this isn't neptune's where are we of course it is look up there oh oh is that who i think it is yeah of course it is they just look slightly different in the dark who are they that mateo has been a dumb royalty dodgy dave and murray from the villamar caravan style [Applause] oh bless him they probably just come in for a warm you're right maureen don't forget love we've got you booked in on tuesday for your perms that isn't dodgy dave's wife maureen you are who is he can be very very important oh he's not boris the spider that's so ridiculous but look oh to the ends of the g can't be it is who is it look oof where is [Applause] [Music] [Music] in the old town oh bloody hell [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] ladies and gentlemen please welcome simon cowell [Applause] i'm thrilled to be here tonight to uh introduce the winner of this year's britain's got talent you pray when you make these shows that you're going to find a star i think we found someone if i know we found someone so good this year he is probably one of the best contestants artists i've ever met throughout my career he is a genuinely nice person he's humble he is super talented and he gets to perform here tonight his debut album our generation came out this year if i had a son called george i'd buy him the album this christmas discount ladies and gentlemen i'm really really thrilled to announce tokyo myers [Music] right now i need to practice for the line up at the end so your royal majesty no i'm not quite sure how to foul kurtz yes what are you doing i was just practicing the bow and or curtsy for the end for the lineup i'm thinking of doing a little like that what would you do probably oh quite low i think we need someone with experience you know someone with an honor maybe we need a lord to help us don't say you need a lord oh oh hello oh grantham i was in downton abbey for six years oh were you marvellous uh yes well we're not quite sure about the curtsy and or bow at the lineup well you've come to the right place and downton are we bow like this no i'm sorry hugh but i'm not sure about cute hugh it's huge huge huge huge right i think we need someone with a real honor someone with an obe did you say you needed somebody with an obe oh marvel we were just wondering if you knew anything about the bow or the curtsy well bows and curtsies are actually my uh my forte yeah i've obviously sung the national anthem got the obe into the palace well i think we need someone with sort of theatrical experience for the bowel that might help i've done quite a lot of musical theater how do you do yes right at the theater when we do a musical theater bow it's breaking the leg oh right so with respect michael you need more gravitas yes i've been admiring his gravitas a bit more dignity like uh like this the the nod bomb oh please it's like you're taking someone's order for wine it's perfectly simple no nothing else being tall you know we might head button air yeah and excuse me excuse me excuse me fake lord real obe oh you need flair and extravagance yes all right i'm not convinced i'm not convinced i think we need something more busy more show business yeah than me yeah actual michael ball no offense maybe a dancer oh i tell you have curtsies and bowels down pat figure skaters completely surprising well listen we need some bowing and or cursing advice we're not quite sure about the lineup what would you do well if you want showbiz how about a bolero the full monty [Music] [Applause] i'm really not sure we've nailed this guys i mean no offense i mean although prince william and catherine are very young and trendy aren't they so we could go with the sort of i don't know the fist bump high five yes little salute yes no do the whole grip slap bump and poke at who no we can't start doing that we can't start sort of high-fiving a duchess i tell you what would be ideal is if we had an actual dame did someone ask for a day [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] how can i assist you you're a terrible model really oh this is how it's done there is nothing like a game nothing in the world [Applause] [Music] still to come the script the killers plus the sensational ball and bow [Music] set to embark on a uk tour it's a multi-talented jason manford [Music] hello good evening how are you nice to be here hello it's a lot of pressure this show it's a lot of pressure uh as you can imagine not only the people in the room but the people at home and you're trying to get hd ready of course as well trying to lose a bit of weight i've lost a stone in the last year and thank you four people thank you uh no it's too late now it's patronizing when you've got her ass for an applause if we were in america then you'd have been on your feet giving it oh my god you're amazing thank you for letting us be part of your journey whereas over here we're a bit more realistic aren't we you looked at me as i said that i saw you you went what this is you're after is it this is your answer you're still on the journey though yeah you're on the journey it was uh i was in a bar a few weeks back in manchester there was an american woman in there she was quite drunk she was a bit loud and a bit obnoxious i know you don't need to say that bit and you can have this right this is a brilliant technique if you ever need to just throw an american what i decided to do she was interrupting people's conversations what i decided to do was just pretend that i'd never heard of america they've never had it at one point i just said excuse me sorry to interrupt you but i can't place your accent from california usa i said where's that he said you've never heard of america i said no is it round here she said you know canada i said oh yeah no canada yeah lovely people very peaceful you know mexico oh yeah see see senor i know mexico america's in the middle i said well you learn a new thing every day you can't believe it yes there's moments where you're trying to lose weight there's moments along the way that you realize you know i need to do something about this someone gave me a great technique they said what you want to do don't just weigh yourself measure yourself as well so you measure your neck your chest your tummy your waist measure yourself count it all up and then in a few weeks time on your diet do it again hopefully you've lost some inches so i did that and i'm going to be brutally honest with you and the people at home here i measured myself right in the middle 122 centimeters i know that is a lot isn't it i mean i'm not very good at metric so i thought i'll just convert it so i'll put it into google there four foot i'm gonna laugh it now it wasn't at the time four foots and google's always very helpful with its suggestions the first link on google it said things that are four-foot i've got a look and i've gotta have a look first thing danny devito is four foot six i couldn't wait daddy was a belt [Applause] absolutely heartbroken one of the things i wanted to do tonight was offer congratulations for your new baby uh do it in uh you finally you finally joined my club outnumbered there's something about being outnumbered i've got five children of course i don't recommend it there's a when you go out and you're outnumbered it's so hard to run off in different directions they're all over the place i went to a shopping center four different directions off they've gone i couldn't even follow me favorite [Applause] what can you do you can't do anything can you can't do anything count to three i do this sometimes my daughter's like messing with a sister's hair stop doing that with your sisters there yeah don't make me count to three there one i mean you may as well take that one on you that's a free one that's three one and four not two two and a two a very interesting thing happens between parent and child because you're both thinking the exact same thing i wonder what happens at three but only you know nothing nothing happens at three and then you lose your bottle a little bit no you're two and a half that's when it's gone you've lost the room now get to your bed get to your bedroom oh yeah the best room in the house where all our toys are yeah i'll go there like a disney guantanamo up there right i don't remember being this naughty when i was a kid mainly because i was never allowed in the house that's what happened weekends holidays eight o'clock in the morning off we went as far away as possible and then at some point you would try and get back you weren't even allowed in the house in the middle of the day for a snack i don't even know how i became a fat kid to be honest just drinking out of puddles and you never wanted to be the first called in you and your mates you know you never get near your house later on in the afternoon for the fear of your mum coming out the window you in you're joking paul and jamie are still out well i'm not paul and jamie's mum i'm not getting the house and that'll be the same you in paul and jamie are still outside well i'm not paul's dad am i what about jamie we don't talk about that [Applause] ladies and gentlemen thanks for being here thanks for all the money you raised this evening [Applause] please give a very warm welcome to a band that has won the hearts of audiences across the globe performing their hit single reign it's the script i woke up this morning can't shake the thunder from last night you left when i want again took the summer from my life i gave you my everything not my world that don't seem right can't we just go back to being us again cause when i'm sitting at the bar all the lovers with our prayers always pass me by it's like i'm living in the dark and my heart's turned cold since you left my life and no matter where i go i know if i'm alone there ain't no blue sky i don't know what i'm doing wrong cause baby when you're gone holy [Music] we messed it up [Music] oh [Music] now i don't know what to do oh i'm caught up in a storm cause baby when you're gonna [Music] reign [Music] and it feels like [Music] it's like i'm living in the dark and my heart's turned since you left my ring [Music] is [Music] and it feels like [Music] is [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] now it's time for something completely different stage mentalist colin cloud has stunned audiences across the globe intriguing skeptics and fans alike with his outrageous stunts and unbelievable deductions lords ladies gentlemen hi nye please applaud in your heads and now with your hands for a genuine marvel it's colin cloud [Applause] [Music] [Applause] good evening royal variety are you well i need to very quickly establish the type of audience you are so if you would say you're the type of person who believes in this sort of stuff you're open-minded and you're up for having fun tonight cheer now good and if you say you're more skeptical a cynic and you don't believe cheer now [Applause] get out genuinely thank you all very much for being here but i do need to warm up tonight so to start with can i please ask the gentleman uh sitting right at the front hi sir would you please stand up for me and tell tell everyone else your name gary gary we're also gonna use a lady let's go for the lady three rows back hi would you please stand as well for me and a loud voice tell everyone your name sadie and gary please give her two new friends a handsome you're me on stage and gary gary very nice to meet you would you please stand right here gary you wait there be honest and we do need to check for the benefit of any skeptics in the audience gary have we ever met before no no and sadie have we ever met before will we be meeting again no it's like watching tinder live tonight i want to try and reveal things about you that i couldn't find out by searching for you on google adding you on facebook or following you on your way home so to make sure that everything is random sadie would you please confirm on behalf of everyone else that these prompts are all different this one says think of anything think of the craziest thing you have done a naughty memory sadie can you see that every single one of these they are all completely different yes sadie what i would love you to do to start with is just point to the back of anyone just point that one right there sadie just look at it don't say it out loud but read it and remember it okay just look remember it don't say it look at the back of the room and keep thinking of that exact thought gary similar thing with you sir what i will do is put the band on these cards what i would love you to do in a moment is lift up and look somewhere in the middle and remember what it asks you to think of so if it was your password you would think of a password okay so hold it in your left hand gary perfect so make eye contact with me lift up anywhere you'd like with your thumb keep looking at me and now look down and to yourself read that thing read it a few times get it locked in your head do you have it gary shut it over perfect and look at the back of the room for me gary gary my right insane to begin with that you are thinking of a person yes yes but you're thinking of a song yes gary i will be honest people are harder to try and get so what i will do if i feel more warmed up later i will come back to you i promise but can you keep thinking of whoever this person is for now people might ask you who is it don't even whisper it to them okay keep it in your head uh and i will promise i'll try and come back let's hear it for gary ladies and gentlemen gary and be so careful on this side okay so you've got this song in mind let me start with the song look at the back of the room and can i ask you please to just open up your mouth slightly and imagine that you were about to start singing the uh the song so don't say a thing but just think of the song okay just think of the song think of the chorus uh good perfect you're looking so it's a song that you know okay so i'm gonna write down what i hope this is so please don't look at the way the pen is moving but i'm hoping if it's not this exactly it will be close to this okay and a loud voice sadie please tell everyone right now what is the song into the microphone that you are currently thinking of nice and loud and clear shake it off like this [Music] ladies and gentlemen thank you be very careful on this edge okay thank you sadie but i want to take it off the stage and now bring it into the audience uh lady in the the second row looking scared uh you're thinking about something outside there are other people there but in a specific city is this did you get your foot caught in concrete but i think yes think about the city don't say it just think of it it's australia yes are you thinking that you were in darwin and you got your foot caught yes can you stop thinking that because it is very distracting okay thank you so much but gary i did say when i was more warned that i'd come back to you gary you said that you were thinking of someone yes you're thinking of someone a gary be honest all i need to know is this someone someone famous or is it someone that you know famous it's someone famous okay gary just think of that person just look at me and think about what they are famous for do me a favor gary think of the name think of this person's name think of one letter in the middle of their name but don't say it just think it do you have it yeah that's okay yes no no okay uh is it somebody who was on a reality tv show that i have maybe never heard of no no um annoyingly gary i'm i'm no i might need to try something else sorry tell me uh no tell me who it is superman again superman superman that's right i thought you were thinking about like in first name and last name right sorry so that's my uh but i did say what did i say i said k so clarke you're not buying that right oh superman [Applause] [Music] ladies and gentlemen thank you very much for watching good night [Music] [Applause] [Music] please give a warm royal variety welcome to michael ball and alfie bow i'll be our eyes [Music] and watch us where we go [Music] and help us [Music] let this [Music] to a place [Music] your life [Music] fill our days lead us to [Music] give us [Music] is [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] foreign and watch us [Music] [Applause] [Music] just like every child [Music] need to find a place [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] well here we are for the final performance of the night may i just take this opportunity to say it's been a total delight and an absolute honour to host the royal variety performance this year oh thank you very much thank you so to end the show we have a classic song that's aptly steeped in british show business history will you please welcome back michael ball and alfie beau [Music] bring me sunshine in your smile bring me laughter all of the wise in this one where we live [Music] make me happy [Music] through these [Music] bring this sunshine bring me [Music] as [Music] bring me sunshine [Music] [Applause] [Music] take it away boys [Applause] [Music] [Applause] [Music] me [Music] [Applause] [Music] [Applause] is [Applause] oh [Applause] me ladies and gentlemen please give free [Applause] cheers as the cast take their final bows the royal party makes its way to the stage tonight's event has provided the royal variety charity with funds to help those from the world of entertainment in need of care and assistance from all of us here at the palladium good night

Channel: PipesFanatic

Views: 16,283

Rating: 4.8562875 out of 5

Keywords: Miranda Hart, Tom Allen, Michael Ball, Alfie Boe, Benidorm, Paloma Faith, Kelsey Grammer, Miranda, Cassidy Janson, Beverley Knight, Jason Manford, Tokyo Myers, Amber Riley, Seal, Louis Tomlinson., Dave Arch, David Arch

Id: _KO1q-PhY9M

Length: 104min 3sec (6243 seconds)

Published: Sun Oct 18 2020