(audience cheers) - Welcome to the second
annual RuPaul's Roast. This year, we are really
switching things up. Instead of RuPaul, we
are going to roast a man of true charisma, uniqueness, nerve, and talent.
(laughing) Unfortunately, he was unavailable, so it's going to be Michelle Visage. Michelle, we know you for
being a kind, patient, she-ro. And gonorrhea clinics
know you as patient zero. Girl, you have had more (beep) in you than a urinal at Dodger Stadium. The only difference is, they get cleaned up after a grand slam. Well ladies and gentleman, just remember, if you
liked my performance. my name is Shea Cooley, and if you hated it,
it's Nina Bo'nina Brown. (audience laughs and applauds) - Thank you, Shea Cooley. That was extremely edifying humor. Sorry. Am I using that word correctly? Not edifying. I know that one. It was humor that I wasn't
sure worked in this context. Tonight we really do have an opportunity to salute empowering
representation in the media. We have an out and proud lesbian comedian. Thank you so much, Ross Matthews. Ross Matthews has the
face of a young gay man and the voice of an adult woman. So the opposite of Tamar Braxton. (laughing)
- Bitch! - I'ma get yo ass. - It's now come time to talk
about Michelle Visage herself. Michelle is so Jersey, her idea of classical music is Lisa Lisa. - Oh!
- Michelle Visage is so Jersey, she calls her pubic hair the garden state express way. And let's not even get started
on the hall and tunnel. Michelle Visage is, I have more of these. Michelle Visage is so Jersey, she wanted to call her
second child white flight. Oh, well that one worked in my mind. And now a queen who
combines all the excitement of smiling, with the thrill
of just standing there. Give it up for Valentina. (audience applauds) - Mama RuPaul, you are the shadiest queen, because you let Michelle
Visage look so busted on season three, and four, and five and six and seven and eight. And girl, that's your
friend, that's (beep) up. Michelle is such a cochina that she knows how to
say and spell "harder" in six different languages. Michelle, you is such a tired ass hoe that when you got carpal tunnel from giving out free hand job,
she just became left-handed. (laughing)
- I'm so confused. - Ross, you're just so cute and so sweet. You just remind me of a cute hamster. I just want to shove you up my butt. (laughing) - Thank you, Pedro, muy bien. Please excuse the way I'm dressed, I have to go feed the chickens after this and I didn't want to wear my good things. I sometimes even have to
wrestle a few of them. Michelle, you know all about
wrestling cocks, don't ya? I think we have a lot in common, from the same tastes in hairspray to the same units of Botox,
fillers, lifts, tuck, snips, and hips. Michelle, every time I walk the runway, you have this pungent look on your face. Kind of like you got to (beep). I reckon they have some
laxatives for that. Just a secret, we all poop. - Let's get this roast a cooking. Can we please put our hands
together for the one, the only, Michelle Visage's breasts. They're the real star of the show. Sorry, RuPaul. Hm, hmm. I find it hilarious that Michelle Visage judges
a talent competition. I don't know about you, but don't you actually have
to have talent to do that? Hah. And I'm pretty sure having one song in the nineties that no one even remembers doesn't qualify you to be a
judge on such a big TV show. Good thing she's been (beep)
RuPaul's (beep) for so long. - Woo!
- Ah. - Oh. And we've got Tamar Braxton in the house. Tamar Braxton. However you say it. She's Toni Braxton's less
talented, more annoying sister. Anyways, now that Michelle's
stick breath has stunk up this entire stage, I'd like
to introduce our next minty contestant, Peppermint.
(audience cheers) - Hey y'all. Thank you, Farrah Moan.
(audience laughs) Ross, everyone says that
your voice is annoying and high pitched, but I actually the sound of your voice right now.
(audience laughs) Shh, don't talk, don't talk. Michelle Visage, Michelle, Michelle. Not since Destiny's Child has
Michelle becomes so famous for riding somebody else's coattails. - Ah!
(audience laughs) RuPaul, all smiles. Ross, all smiles. Michelle, poker face. No, seriously, someone poke her face. It doesn't even move! Michelle says no to everything. Michelle, you like my dress? No. You like my makeup? No. Bitch, where the hell were
you when somebody asked you if you wanted to write that book? (audience laughs)
It's a great book, Michelle, said no one. Honestly, I fell in
love with you, Michelle, watching you and RuPaul on VH1. And I'm so honored to
share this moment with you, so thank you. Happy 90th birthday, Michelle. (audience applauds) - Hey babies. It's the me, Mother Maybelline. Nina Bo'Nina Banana Fofana
Osama Bin Laden's Brown great aunt.
(audience laughs) Coming all the way from the
Lions, Tigers, and Bears, the Sheep of the Lord
Missionary Baptist Church. Praise the Lord.
(audience laughs) Moving on to the man of the hour, RuPaul's secretary, Michelle Visage. You know, Michelle, your
face reminds me of my hip. Stiff. Oh Jesus.
(laughing) What's your name, baby? You are a whole lot of woman. Mm hmm. Well, we normally save the best for last, but in this case, we had to
settle for Alexis Michelle. (audience applauds) - Oh, Michelle, Michelle, Michelle. In honor of your big night, I wore your favorite color, girl. We have so much in common, Michelle. We have the theater running
in our veins, Michelle. You also have several venereal diseases running through yours, but
that's besides the point. But you know, you're also an
inspiration to me, Michelle. As thin as you have become,
one area has stayed the same, unchanged, it's a Hanukkah
miracle, barukh shem. Oh my goodness, Fortune. You also know about playing second fiddle. You've been playing bull (beep) to Chelsea. Handler's
alcoholic wasp for ages now. Now Michelle, I have to congratulate you on really being able to take the piss. Just ask the UK men's water polo team. - Okay? - She loves water
sports, she loves the UK, and we love you, mama. Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. It's been real, good night, everybody. - This is not a happy ending. - And it don't help that
you look like She-Hulk.
