- Welcome to the first ever, Nice Girls Roast, Please welcome Miss Congeniality season 11 Nina West, - Hey that's me - Miss Congeniality, season nine Valentina Escandalo! And our reigning Miss Congeniality, Heidi N Closet. Now what shady thing could
you possibly have to say about these angels? Let the roast begin. - Hey y'all! Oh bitch don't I look
gorgeous tonight huh? Y'all, my name is Kandy Muse
and I ain't a nice girl, I'm a naughty girl. Listen up bitch, welcome to
the nice girls roast, bitch. Tonight we have the privilege
and honor of roasting our amazing Miss Congenialities - [Ru] Yay - Ain't no audience tonight? Michelle, don't that kind of remind you of your old concert show
back in the days, bitch? Just empty. (laughter) First up the incredible Valentina. - Hello - You know, you and my drag mother have so much history together. But she got one thing, correct, baby. You're perfect. You're beautiful. The performance and rent
live was rough, bitch. (Ru laughs) Your Angel needed an angel. (laughter) Hello, miss Nina West. - Hi - You make my good Judy, miss Tina Burner, look like such a petite woman, with them big ass shoulders
you got, bitch. Woo! I know that drag race
is the Olympics of drag and baby you the stadium. (laughter) And how could I forget our
sweetheart, miss Heidi N Closet? I don't know what's worse, your fashion on season 12... No baby, ain't nothing worse than that. - Okay - Hello judges. (Judges say hello) I dunno what's scarier, waiting for my test results at the clinic or waiting for a critique from the judges. I know at least one of them
will come out positive. (laughter) How can I forget about our
amazing, special guest judge, miss Loni Love. - Hey Kandy. - How does being an extra on "Soul Plane", land you this big ass gig
on "RuPaul's Drag Race"? (laughter) Hey Ru! - Hi - Y'all RuPaul is so old, "Jurassic Park" brought back memories. RuPaul is so old, I told her to act her own age, bitch she died. (laughter) - Miss Kandy Muse from the house of Aja her little daughter that
came out her (clicks tongue) to make fun of me and
the bitch did a good job. And the Latinos are in the house. Hey! - If you enjoyed my
set, thank you so much. If you didn't enjoy it,
you're definitely not going to enjoy the next bitch after me. She is a fashionista, with the
voice of a (beep) gargoyle. Give it up for miss Symone Symonye! - Kandy Muse. Thank you for that marvelous introduction. Now I do have a question for you. Last week, when you were standing
in the back of the stage, looking at all the girls,
who've won a challenge in front of you (laughter) what's it, did it remind you
of standing alone in the VIP? Goodness gracious. But speaking of losers, we have our esteemed panel of
congenialities here tonight. Miss Valentina we gotta
talk about that controversy. Oh yes. Mhmm You didn't know them words that lip sync. - No - You let that happen - Symone is bombing. It's like time stops. Time is stopping right now. - Miss Loni love. - Hey, Symone - Hey, now you is an author,
an actress, a TV host and you are a former electrical engineer, but then you somehow were so good at it, you engineered your ass
onto this judging panel. (sighs) God. Miss Ross 'the boss' Matthews, the gayest one on this panel. And that gets me because you're sitting next to a man in a wig. That's been pulled plucked and prodded. And no, that's not you miss RuPaul. Okay. I'm talking about Michelle. (light laughter) And now onto my girls. Olivia now I told you that you remind me of the girls back home and that's four But! Heidi is here tonight so
you have one thing to know that you are not destitute. Okay? - Oh my Symone is gorgeous. I just wish her jokes
were as good as she looks. I can't even spell that. - I guess it's time to
bring up our next queen straight from the Minnesota Institute for the Criminally Insane. Give it up for Utica Queen! (applause) - Oh Symone. I thought I was the one who had
the balls to bomb that hard. (laughter) Great job Symone. The judges love you so
much in this competition, especially Ross. You
know, Ross and Simone. I think you guys would make a great couple Simone and Pumbaa Hakuna Matata! Ross you know, I love you. You are so gay that you
don't (beep) on the (beep), you Skittles on the (beep). Oh, you're so gay, they should, they should make the ho- Ooh. They should take "Celebrity Big Brother" and make it "Celebrity Big
Brother" with benefits. - This is hilarious. And not hilarious because it's funny but hilarious because this
bitch bombing all of her jokes. - Okay, okay, okay. Now that you know I got
my balls out of the way and I'm bombing, I'm
bombing, I know, I know Nina West. - Oh yes! (imitates whale) - I'm sorry. I thought
you could speak whale. Heidi you really remind me of the people I grew up with on the farm. Gap tooth and full of bull semen. - Girl huh? - Valentina, you are
such a beautiful sister but you have this diva attitude that's really hard to swallow. - I do - It's just as hard to swallow
as Loni Love's comedy career. - You're the one bombing (screaming laughter) I love it - You like that? You like that RuPaul,? RuPaul, you are such a fashion icon. If you could stand up for us please? (Laughter) - Utica tanked the roast really hard. I don't even know how
you crawl out of that. - And now it's time to
bring up the amazing Gottmik She's so small, her shoe
size is the same as her IQ Six. Give it up for Gottmik! - There's definitely tension. And it's my turn. Now I'm scared. - Goodnight, goodnight. - Wow. How will I ever follow that one up? (laughter) After your set I really
realize that it's so fitting that your name begins
with the letters UTI, because you make me
extremely uncomfortable and I feel like I need a full bottle of pills to forget about you. (laughter) Heidi N Closet. Hi, my love. How are you tonight? You lip synced more
times than our angel here Valentina has attempted to block the words "Rent Live" on social media. (laughter) Moving on to our judges. Hi, you guys Loni Love! I just cannot believe
I am standing up here presenting my comedy in front of you. I knew there was going to
be budget cuts this season but I didn't know it was going to affect the judges panel too. (laughter) Hi Ru. How are you? - Good - I am such a huge fan
of you, and your work, and all of your hit song. (laughter) - Hi Ross. - Hi - I love you so much. And you are the only
person I have ever met that watches porn and (beep) when
the pizza gets delivered. What is up with that? - You got a point. - Well, did you guys have fun with my set? (all agree) Well, hopefully my laughs
will get you through the awkward silence on
the next bitch's set. So give it up for Olivia Luxe! - (giggles) This is so fun, thanks gorge I know, I know what you're thinking. The polite queen roasting. It, it I didn't come here just
to be miss congeniality. You see where that gets you. (scattered laughter) I came here to win, something
candy muse has yet to do in a maxi challenge. All right, the judges. Hi judges. - Hi - Mama Ru Mama Ru, the patient zero drag queens Mama Ru is so old Her first
drag name was in hieroglyphics. Mama real is so old She
signed the Declaration of Independence as parent slash guardian. (laughter) Nina West Nina West wanted to be
on drag race so bad. There's only been 13 seasons and somehow she managed
to audition 38 times. Valentina. I noticed Valentina's
eyebrows are like tally marks. One, two, three, four, five, six. It's like she's counting how many times I've been at the bottom. One, two, three, four. - Well look at your brows girl. - Well thank you everyone. And if you didn't like my set,
my name's Michelle Visage. All right. The next queen she's
wearing silver tonight because in our lip sync,
she came in second place. I sent her home once and I
can't wait to do it again. Let's give it up for Rose. (applause) - Everyone listen, my name is Rose. and before I get started,
I do want us all to give one more massive round of
applause for miss Olivia Luxe (applause) Who, after what we, just experienced will now forever go by
the name Olivia Sucks. (laughter) Valentina I can't believe I'm standing on this stage with you. I credit a lot of my love for
polish and perfection today to watching Valentina while
season nine was airing and coincidentally during all-stars four I too realized that I am
completely (beep) delusional. - Yes! - Nina West is here everybody. (applause) Nina West's shoulders are so wide that in high school, she
auditioned for the school play and got the part of the stage. Now Heidi and I are actually friends, Heidi and I got to know each
other last year in New York. We've hung out a few times. And how are you doing Heidi? - Blessed and highly favored, as always - Okay, great. So we've been talking
for about 10 seconds. This is the longest on record that Heidi has ever waited
before trying to (beep) me. (laughter) Heidi is it true? - Lies! - No, it's not lies baby. The only thing that is
thirstier than Heidi N Closet are her makeup brushes, okay? (laughter) Oh, Ru Paul, you always look beautiful and I'm really proud to announce that it's not the only thing
that we share in common. I, I want you all to know that Ru and I are both actively
working in the music industry. One of us is a recording artist, and one is a singer. (laughter) All right everybody, well,
listen, I've had a great time, but before I leave, I want
to leave you with some words. Well, actually it's for you, Kandy. Kandy I'm really proud of you for what you've done this
season, but mostly for tonight because I know it takes tremendous courage to show up to a roast when you are a roast. Thank you, I'm Rose, Have a wonderful night. - Let's hear from our guests of honor. Any final words? - So kind, so kind to
me, thank you so much. Being the current
reigning, miss congeniality I want to say this as nice as possible and it comes deep from my heart, okay? (beep) you! (beep) You, (beep) you, Not you, you got the checks and (beep) you!. - I'm actually here
tonight to return the title of miss congeniality. I tried it for a year, but
I'm too much of a diva. So I'll take miss French
vanilla, fan favorite, fantasy. - Kandy Muse is here. Kandy Muse, from the Bronx... Zoo Remember this guys Go big, be kind. And if you're nice, you could
actually end up on stage with these beasts. Thanks for having us.
