The pain of raising my daughters in a dysfunctional family and why I should’ve walked out earlier

one thing that did hold us together was money we had good money we had a lot of money so that that tends to cover things we were able to give the children a lot of comfort but in terms of emotional support um that enablement for them to know who they were what do you need for preparing to be a parent what do you need for what you look out for when you're choosing your life mate I mean we were not there for that by then Dora was uh the my Third born was deep in addiction she um at that time was on heroin and you know I remember one day driving home and seeing this old woman by the side of the road and you know my headlight just caught an with with with with the light and I realized it was my own daughter I have never I've never experienced the pain I experienced when I saw her and I cried out to God and said God um am I going to bury my daughter am I going to uh not see her grow to the way you you you gave me a promise for because the promise on this girl's life is Proverbs 10:22 the blessing of the Lord makes rich and adds no sorrow in addiction there's this blindness to the way things really are there's a sense in which you you feel like you've got the problem I don't have any problem you know and you can be down in a crate of of of of alcohol every day but you don't see it you don't see that you are destroying your body you're destroying your relationships you're destroying your vocation you know so sometimes this pain and and this is what I would encourage women really that you need to allow your children who are in addiction your husbands your friends who are in addiction to to to to reap the consequences of their choices [Music] a very good morning to you and a warm welcome to elen rebuilding restoration series my name is LIN googi I'm telling you you will love my guest today just sitting here and talking to hen before the cameras rolled and I already felt a lot of peace and one of the things that we were talking about is it's never too late to come back home and I don't know who we were having a conversation with and I looked at her and I told her don't go too far that you forget the journey back home because sometimes we are bound to go too far we are bound to lose our way we are bound to bring up our kids in dysfunctional families we are bound to see our kids breaking you know even in public we are bound to witness so many things but we can always go back to the roots and see who really am am I and why was I created to be on this world and I hope she gets to inspire you and also talk to a lot of parents because I know we are dealing with a lot and I know there's a lot of energy out here where we feel like giving up but don't yet watch this conversation and take what you can be able to take home because I always say we will continue rebuilding one story at a time I'm about to let her introduce herself and walk us through her journey but before I do that please allow me to say thank you to you guys we are heading to 1 million subscribers it's been amazing you have been active participants of our work and you have made sure that you correct us you also walk through this journey with us and guys it would not have been going to be demotivated but we've sat here and made food for you and you guys you've said L let's have some of this food and I hope it has nourished your soul so as anen to you guys who are watching and the incredible team that gets to put this work together schola dama and the entire team that you don't get to see here on screen that Mak sure that elen continues impacting you guys one story at a time and also our amazing Partners at Kings developers limited and mared daddy by now you know where to go get yourself beautiful Apartments talk to our people at Kings developers limited and if you're looking into importing a car talk to our people at marid daddy mots for their services which include just as I said car importation they also have an investment Circle at driving school and also a car washer so go pay them a visit and I hope you get to enjoy the services and now without further Ado please allow me to let my guest today introduce herself Mom good morning good morning are you I am well I am so happy to have this conversation with you I feel like I'm talking to my mom I feel like I'm talking to a bestie you are so easy to talk to kib likewise I'm so grateful to be here um this is a revered show I I admire your your stories and your conversations so it's so wonderful to get to be here today yes and I hope you feel home but maybe for the people who are tuning in for the last time could you please introduce yourself okay um the lady sitting opposite Al this morning is uh one Emil Joi Obaka um born some 62 years ago and uh un counting and uh thankful to God for the length of time he's put me on this Earth to now excited about how it's an adventure uh I have four daughters beautiful daughters I might add uh um Angela Joan Dora and Nelly All who are their own uh women doing life pursuing their purpose I have five grandchildren who are from Angela and Joan uh I am the daughter of a Mr and Mrs Nelson kti who are still alive and doing life in embu and um oh what an inspiration they are they just celebrated 65 years actually today is their 65th uh marriage marriage anniversary for realy happy anniversary 65 good years 65 good years so excited to still celebrate uh them in the way God is continuing to preserve them yes um I have one brother too and one sister and uh yeah apart from that I am apart from being a daughter h a mother uh and a um I'm a I'm a vocational woman I am a woman who was schooled and went to uh Dentistry pulled teeth for the longest time you know fixed Jaws broken bones and then left that to do public health so I've uh done some work in public health with Johns Hopkins University the center for communication programs putting out campaigns communication and advocacy campaigns for health getting people healthy to change Behavior then as I walked on that path I had God knock on the door of my heart and say you know you can be at the end of your life and not do not have done what I put you on Earth to do so I took another trajectory and uh went back to school and uh did a a degree in missions uh Theology and uh set my path on helping the church I worked with the church for a good long time worked with the NGS working with to empower the church to transform communities M an organization called life in abundance on from there then worked with uh with where I am now helping men and women out of the plight of addiction to drugs alcohol and other life controlling issues and excited to see that Christ is the answer to that problem you know people think it's it's a disease once an addict all is an addict but not true we have seen many come through come through and live free so it's excited yes and there's absolute hope to both the person coming out of addiction and to those who surround them because I know it's sometimes a hopeless story for especially for those who are watching somebody in addiction good you know what I just picked from everything that you've told us including the are your area of expert it's never too late also to change directions in life and see I want to CU sometimes I try to use the analogy that l Brown used and he says one day you assume you know this is you we are laying you to rest and you this is you your grave is here and all your talents and all the things you could have done are surrounding you and they are asking you what did you do with us we are here and sometimes I'm always so inspired when I say I want to die empty I feel like you are what I mean cuz I feel like there's so much in us that not explode yet because we are scared number one or number two we don't feel confident enough to go down that road or number three we are scared of the biggest thing what will people say what will people say about me if I decide maybe I don't want to do this show anymore I want to do something different there's always that fear of what will people say have you ever struggled with it actually I came to realize that I'm My Own limiting factor that um once I have made up my mind to walk through the difficulties of the challenges you've spoken about then I am the one who by who I believe I am what I believe I can do I am the one who can take myself to where I know or I sense God has led me to be i i in between these changes of Direction lean one of the things that came to mind is where do I begin who knows me even in in the church Circle you know here coming out from corporate world international NGO and now working with the church who even knows me there I I I remember having months on end where there was not even a single like someone messaging me or you know cuz I was not in that space people didn't even reach out to me who am I anyway there but as you walk the pace one day after another you gain understanding expertise then you find your level and you find you know yes this is where I'm supposed to be at this time and I'm contributing usefully to this fear that I am and then you walk that down that journey and one day you realize like at the end of Dentistry I thought I do not want to pull teeth anymore I don't want to be in the place where I'm looking down people's throats and uh you know that's not where I want to be and started to ask where else what else you know what should I do now and it it takes boldness yes it takes courage it takes faith it takes believing that there is so much in you that still needs to be explored that still needs to be brought to light and you walk fearlessly fearlessly that's beautiful and you know the theme of our conversation of our show for this year and the better part of last year we are talking about rebuilding or restoration what I asked your daughter when I hosted her murugi and I said what are you rebuilding and she said Lynn I'm not rebuilding I'm building you raised strong ones I'm building you know but we are building we are rebuilding and our lives are getting restored which which one is happening for you right now and how I would say uh different aspects I'm building in some good you know I see I I I am needing to build entrepreneurship that is a building area for me that's a vocational Mountain I am building okay yeah um my own life I feel yeah I'm always I'm always rebuilding because as you say you bring up children and then you start to look and see wa there were many gaps here there were many things I could have done differently so almost like rebuilding now with the Next Generation and saying how can I help how can I contribute to they doing a better job than what I did in my time with the you know your you know in hindsight you know your 2020 you know Vision yes um so how can I help them you know in that Venture so I feel like that's a rebuilding a rebuilding of you know that that opportunity to to speak into people who are growing up and what what is important what is of value and and that's what I've realized you know it's Focus on what is the most valuable thing you need to be focusing on because that will take you the distance um what else restoration yes restoration restoration how do I restore some of you know the things that I did wrong how do I get them to in this generation uh be be better implemented you know good beautiful and we are talking about going back to the roots for someone to go back to the roots it means they came out of the rules and they veered into different directions this is the part I take a seat back and let you walk us through your story because for you to understand there are gaps for you to understand I need to rebuild for you to understand that this needs to be restored or it's being restored right now obviously someone said you can't connect the dots looking forward you can only connect them looking backwards so could you walk us through your journey so that we get to understand where did we how did we get now here where you decided I don't care what anyone says I'mma do what God wants me to do I don't care how many friends I have I don't care what has G on in my life I'm going to build rebuild and I know something will be restored amen that's a good one let me dive into it so um as I said earlier born uh second born of a family of four and a Christian family I'm a fourth generation Christian so we had it all worked out Church nikil uh Bible studies I belong to the choir you know a very looking like a very straight uh road that we'll never have any bumps we'll never have any any problems but then come University and whereas at the end of my primary my secondary I actually gave my life to the Lord when I came into University there was this big rumor going around if you marry a Christian you will be bor to tears like do not go there hey imagine they said that yes alive from the pits of hell so here I am you know yes I'm going to The Navigators I'm going to you know see you occasionally but my eye is really on the Rugby field you know and on the football field and where those guys who look that they like they have it together we see you Mom six pack six pack you know that height you know and my husband who I fell in love with happened to have been playing for goria so he was an international football player he was doing that you know in his room he had this TV he was going places and uh yeah who is this girl who now fell for this this man and and I thought you know I'm so Jet Set one leg here one leg there but you know you can't walk two parts going in opposite directions and so here I am on my wedding day when we were 3 years later and it's the happiest day of my life because I loved this guy to bits but in my heart because I had made a commitment to Christ and I knew that uh you you you cannot uh be an equally yoked so I said hey haa things are just over for me yes so I I felt like I was in such conflict so happy but very sad very realizing that I'm stepping out of God's divine plan and um so that's that's that's that's how it was walk down that aisle we went to Mombasa started our life and there is where I had somebody actually say I overheard you know that Emily Obaka cannot be a Christian you know that is not a chick who is going to heaven that is and I thought to myself wait uh how do I deal with that it it sort of brought me to reality and I wanted to come out of that um I said no I'm going to lay it before God if I'm a Christian I will stand up and be counted if I'm not I will then walk away and and never pretend or say that I'm a Christian and you know I took one step toward the lord and he took many toward me hugged me and said you know my girl I never left when you left and there began a journey of recommitting rebuilding uh recommitting my life to Christ uh being restored in faith um and it was one step after the other but you know now did not mean that my husband was coming along he was not a Christian you know as I said I had married him for all the wrong reasons um so he was on his own path and pursuing you know uh what he knew best you know he was doing medicine so he came in to do his specialty in OB obsy I came in to do my specialty in public health and we started walking and life became hard life became hard because here is a house where you know and uh so the children are born in this environment where there is dysfunction in the sense that we are not uh tracking on the same path um the one thing that did hold us together was money we had good money we had a lot of money so that that tends to cover things that tends to you know you can go there you can do that you can buy this you can have a whole trolley of you know you can it can sort of Disguise where you are and so that was us you know it disguised our relationship for a long time we were able to to give the children a lot of comfort but in terms of emotional support um that enablement for them to know who they were you know the basic skills of what do you need as you grow up for how you function as a a a a human a responsible adult you know what do you need for preparing to be a parent what do you need for what you look out for when you're choosing your life mate I mean we were not there for that you know we were not there for that because now as my husband unfortunately got caught up in alcoholism I was traveling a lot with John's Hopkins I was out at least a week every month I was traveling I was between places all the time and my story became what am I bringing the children you know pacify you compensate compensate you know so it was presence upon presence and um you know yeah so one thing after the other they went to top schools you know whether you're talking of uh the school in curen yeah good schools good schools so education wise they were well well well you know handled but then the issue of their faith which to me is the most important because lean like it or not we are Spirit beings who have souls and we are housed in bodies when you're putting all your effort on the body and not on the spirit and making sure that is aligned to God to know for what purpose then you will miss the way you'll be relying on voices from outside to tell you who you are and what you are put on Earth to do so unfortunately that I didn't pick up on those gaps until much later so you know you find um my first two daughters and you know we share these stories quite openly so they they both you know had uh children outside before they got married um and then my third born went into addiction um that was so hard to watch you know as you try and hold the pieces together but don't know where it's you know oh I can tell you that was a difficult time but then came a time when you realize that God is walking with you on this path whatever you have done or failed to do whatever mistakes you've made there is always a new day you know A love a verse I love in the Bible is Lamentations 3:22 and 23 the steadfast love of the Lord never ceases his mercies never come to an end they are new every single more morning morning and great is his faithfulness so being able to plug in to God this dysfunction set me on a path of intimacy with God because I realized there was no other place I was going to get restor ation there was no other place I was going to rebuild um to me the pieces were all apart but how do you start to rebuild to a place where your children have something to to look to yeah a reference you know uh a way to to be and I started to realize God is so kind um he he gives us the opportunity to unpack he reveals things that ways in which we went wrong um ways in which we can rebuild opportunities for us to recover uh people who are you know Kingdom helpers who come along the way and say hey girl this is this is this you know and you know I have had you know mentors in my life who have just spoken into my life encouraged me um but essentially the greatest thing has been just uh waiting upon God and seeing him uh restore me from the inside out give me wisdom yeah what I loved also is that despite the marital dysfunction despite how the children may have gone you know at some point God drew me to the place where I did not stop pursuing purpose so just the Journey of vocation that I've spoken about you know hearing him hearing God and hearing him say now to meaa this is what is going to happen I remember the statement I made earlier um I worked with John Hopkins for 8 years and it looked like you know I mean I moved from a program officer to the resident advisor to the Regional Technical advisor and everything looked like you know I was going to now next be in the States you know giving um Global Council for for a program but God said you can be at the end of your life you know going to the year 2000 and have nothing to show for it and I remember stopping in my trucks and saying what and the way I think I'm going places and I'm doing things and it took the Lord just redirecting me to start to see the continent of Africa begin to see the the death the the the the the the difficulties um disease and the things that this continent has that um that just has put us at the bottom of the scale in terms of of development and you know advancement despite the fact that we are probably the richest the richest the brainest we have the most resources but we are not going anywhere because of just just a Brokenness and and an an nonalignment to God who makes all things go well yes um and God invited me to that space and said you know I want you to be involved in this in this space uh so it will need leaving what you have known the comfort and convenience you have had and and the money that especially because that one almost cost my marriage right there because when I started then I moved to work with the church the association of evangelicals in Africa and there is where you know I was it was a faith Venture here you are getting a six you know six seven figure and then suddenly here you are and you have to write proposals you have to knock on doors you have to wait upon the Lord you have to do consultancies and occasionally get and that almost broke our marriage completely and against that background is where our last born was born in fact I always say you know if you think couples you know are in quarrel how did this last one come come about it was an interesting one but she came when it was you know coo I mean there was war there was chaos There Was You Know Cold War but um she's such a blessing yes and uh there is when he started to to just ask God where from here so you know started to um work with the church amazed at how God um really is is for the church and and the church is the hope of the world you know when she's aligned to her head you know Jesus Christ she can be the salt and light and the direction to which uh you know all Society should go M and I started to see the Lord invite me to the space of leading women across Africa I worked with Reverend uh um Dr Judy bua I was with her you know for some years left and came back to work with her and to take over actually the position of you know panafrican Christian Women's Alliance Continental coordinator um and uh there was where God opens my eyes to the fact that even the church has has uh a need to come together you know God didn't call men on one side and women on one side and and Children and Youth to sort of do it on their own God is for one Church you know he has one call for one Church a one people who are doing a mission of restoration of you know the the Lost World um so so just understanding that and I I did that for a while and then God redirected me to uh entrepreneurship to Tele medicine to work at the front line with an Indian mission where we were helping people across the country across continents you know uh who needed medical help and in real time we were able to treat um people so I was on the software I used to you know we were working on the software yeah okay yeah that was fun that was fun but uh a great challenge because uh yeah Asians have a different culture to how they approach life and it was missions Frontline um but very exciting I did that for some years um we realized the market was not ready for tele medicine per se that we were not going to get very far at the at the stage we were and interestingly God connected me with another T Health Medicine from South Africa hello doctor and I did that for some time and then that is where he caught my attention in terms of their addtion story and um by then Dora was uh my third born was deep in addiction she um at that time was on heroin and you know I remember one day driving home and seeing this old woman by the side of the road and you know my headlight just caught and her with with with with the light and I realized it was my own daughter I have never I've never experienced the pain I EXP experience when I saw her and I cried out to God and said God uh am I going to bury my daughter am I going to uh not see her grow to the way you you you gave me a promise for because the promise on this girl's life is Proverbs 10:22 the blessing of the Lord makes rich and adds no sorrow and uh I remember crying out to him and seeing him turn things around talk of restoration talk of transformation to where she um eventually came to tetin challenge and uh came right aligned to God surrendered to him because that is the only way out of addiction that is the only way out of uh dysfunctional life um and uh just watched her her grow in Te challenge I started the Women's Center and that was exciting uh my daughter Angie was actually invited to work in South Africa and at the time I was open ing the center she uh could not get a visa to South Africa and she was my first employee you know in the women's center look at God and how he organizes things so we worked alongside one another and uh we saw many women come into the into the center even now uh the the center is going on I think we are in our sixth or seventh year um and uh and then 3 years later I wanted to leave tetin challenge that's the organization it is I wanted to leave because I felt I had done my bit I had started this organization God hijacked me and said now you lead the organization so I came back as the executive director in 2018 and that's where I have been and truly seeing myself privileged to be at the front line of Watching God transform lives that are dysfunctional that are so out of you know um Al ignment with him and watch them come to Christ and grow in him and be transformed for life and Eternity it's been an exciting uh nine years and uh and Counting and seeing how seriously God is for that whole story of restoration of transformation just to get a hold of what what he wants for us yeah on the marriage front um just um you know realizing that um Dom domestic abuse is real domestic abuse is real and when you are in in a relationship with an addict um you will stand a lot of things you will bear a lot of things you will close your eyes to a lot of things uh you'll be disappointed you will bear a lot and whereas and I know this for a fact God gave me Grace to for more than 30 years it's actually almost 35 years walk with uh my dear husband who I love but who is in this Vice um broken and bound in in in addiction um you know came to a point where you know a couple of years ago we realized you know what uh you'll need to chart your own path and I will need to chat mine so realizing that although we do love each other because we came together and we have four beautiful children to show for it um doing life on a regular basis then becomes difficult if we are going in different directions so he he lives in a different city and works uh uh in his line of of Duty as an obstetrician and um I I I live uh on kambo road yes yes how is that for your children what conversation did you guys have because they've grown up with the both of you do you sit them down and tell them Mommy and Daddy they need to part ways now you know it's very interesting you should ask that because initially the conversation was mom why do you stay why do you stay you you make so much money you are so uh independ you can you can chart your own path uh why don't you make your own home and for a very long time my own uh truth was um I will not move from here until I sense God's leading to settle me elsewhere I know if he has allowed me to be here I will walk in the grace that he's given me and I'll pray for them you know although that's a difficult conversation Le because you see you see I can understand what I understand with my husband but for them you see them struggle with failed promises you see them struggle with a pattern of life that does not glorify God so we are going to church on Sunday and we appear to be Christian but every day they watch you know something quite completely different yes and uh that becomes confuses yeah confuses them and they talk about that you know those are some of the the spaces should a woman stay should a woman go but when I was persuaded and that at the time I was persuaded actually they are the one who called the meeting they said you know Mom you've given to this marriage so many years and we are not going to stand by and just watch you you know die in this in this marriage because you're going to eventually you you cannot carry you know somebody and I remember having come to that meeting with my narrative you know I would I you know I always was ready to tell them listen uh grace is sufficient I am I am well able to continue as long as God Graces me to continue I will continue but that day for some reason God gave me just a sense of you know what love looks like in this season it is stand up yes and take a walk help this man to understand that there are consequences to the choices he has made to the place where he'll be able to see and be able to come to the place of realization that wa I have lost my home I have lost my wife I've lost my children something is not right because you know in addiction there's this blind to the way things really are there's a sense in which you you feel like youve got the problem I don't have any problem you know and you can be Downing a crate of of of of alcohol every day but you don't see it you don't see that you are destroying your body you're destroying your relationships you're destroying your vocation you know so sometimes this pain and and this is what I would encourage women really that you need to allow your children who are in addiction your husbands your friends who are in addiction to to to to reap the consequences of their choices because as long as you stand in the way you are the one reaping those those consequences you're the one wandering and staying awake at night 3:00 a.m. someone has not called what what is happening in this Nairobi what could be going wrong you know the number of accidents I we went through five cars you know head-ons uh complete you know Mercedes is destroyed a you know 504 you know a Pajero just completely destroyed because of drunk driving you know and yes there is the place of making sure your heart remains um uncluttered because that's the other thing you can be so cluttered with bitterness about the difficulties you've been through that you do not have any shred of Love towards this person you do not have any even sense of I can pray for them but I can tell you lean I we pray for my husband daily we ask that God would open his eyes to see where he's at so that he can salvage you know he can be salvaged from the life of you know destruction you know um there's a way that seems right to a man that leads to destruction that is surely the someone going in the path of of addiction or idolatry as we call it um and without help without reality shock you know pain actually God instituted pain to get us to realize there's something wrong so if you're shielding somebody from that pain you know they'll never come to their senses and realize way you know like the prodigal son he had to come to a place of rock bottom and realize I need to go back to my father's house I need to go to where my father even the you know the the servants have a better life than I have feeding pigs pigs um so that's where we are at uh and me being in my own space i i bowed before God I I said God you mean you can allow me having made the choice to be in this story to be to have gone down that path you can allow me a second chance at happiness you know at at just feeling yeah I can do life without worrying without you know carrying somebody who just is not wanting to come along the path of doing life as God wants them to do you know yeah how do you deal with the guilt because I think one of the struggles of even people who have dealt with people who are in addiction it's the guilt of knowing do I leave her there cuz she's in a hall MH do I keep going when she calls do I keep sending money when they ask do I keep just showing up every other time or do I say no but then when you say know there's always that guilt and there's always that feeling what if this is the last call they will ever make and I didn't go to their aid how do I deal with myself you know it is it is a faith Journey it is a faith Journey it's letting go and letting God where you realize you don't own this person first of all you did not cause it you cannot control it you can't cure it so first of all taking that one in will help somebody just begin to understand that this person is not in your control and you know there's the the situation of codependency where you think by what you're doing you're either helping someone out or you know um you know you're almost trying to moderate them to where they'll come right we need to realize that people in addiction use manipulation use manipulation a lot and the person who is the the core beside them will be will be an enabler if they allow guilt sympathy false hope or just that fear to cause them not to act in the way they should act guilt in you know you're the one you're the reason I'm in this situation actually had you taken me to that school had you done that for me I would not in this addiction so they'll use man that manipulation also the issue of fear you know if if if you don't come to my Aid if you don't give me that money actually this the last time you'll see me you know and then hope of you know tomorrow I can wake up and be a different person so let me keep going I'll know how to Jima you know this is 10 years on they telling you I will leave this thing I'm work on working on it and then the fourth one is that that sympathy of do you think I choose chose this for myself you know I would hate anybody to be in my boat so getting somebody to be literally immobilized from doing the action they should do because they are held in this environment of manipulation and the thing we need to do to your question is realize that you are living life in the best way you can with everything that God has given you and you must leave your partner your your son your daughter your husband your wife to make their choices and live with them to make their bed and lie on it on it yes and the Power of Words because one of the things I love about you and Dora was the affirmation you gave her because before we rolled the cameras I was just telling you you can be sitting here with someone in their 50s and they'll still remember the words their parents told them 15 years when they were 15 how important are words of affirmation and what roles did they play in your kids lives a lot words of affirmation are everything you know the Bible says the the power of life and death is in the tongue what we speak is not just words they they form in the in the mind in the soul in the spirit of the rece recipient of the one that you are speaking to and especially an authority you know a mother a father an uncle you know somebody of of importance uh when you speak to your child from a place of what you are seeing them as you can literally destroy them and not what you're seeing them as only what you yourself are handling because there's a place where you you are also not formed we are also not perfect we are we are not perfect so we don't see perfectly so my own dysfunctional me can be seeing you doing something and call you names that you do not deserve you know I may not take account of the fact that you are in a situation that I precipitated because of my own actions you know so I need to take the baggage that I feel to God so that I take from him and from the word of God words that can bless you words that can lift you words of life that will inspire you I remember at a place where Dora was so completely uh under the Yoke of of uh of of addiction and I I know and I knew that God had called her to be an evangelist so I said you know you're a woman of God you know you're an evangelist you know you are and I kept saying those words she was very irritated at the time but behold isn't that what she is today she is um so so so words of affirmation um birth life birth true life in someone change the trajectory of someone who is going down the wrong road you know um Love is the way we use in Teen Challenge you know where we have men and women coming out of addiction love is the number one key speaking love speaking the fact that you know while we were yet sinners Christ died us that you you were worth all that even if you were the only one on this Earth Christ would have died for you you are you know you are Faith fearfully and wonderfully made God has a purpose for you you have something that this world needs and is waiting to see you bring forth you know you must speak words of of of affirmation that will bring somebody those words guide the soul as I said we are the spirit spirits who have souls and housed in bodies we do life from the inside out and so you want to speak to that part of you that will stand up and then direct the body to how it should behave beautiful and you know in your parenting Journey you've mentioned the art of over compensating I'm not here so to compensate for my absence I'm going to bring you guys a lot of gifts and and that's a question a lot of parents keep even asking me even when I bring a show and one of the question is for example I'm a single woman I have my kids I got to go to work I can't come until it's late I have to leave early in the morning and the only person that can cater to my children is our house our house manager so how then do you make sure you are present in your kids life but then you're also struggling to give them a good life where do you drew the balance or what would you advise you know I think the first thing is to come to to determine what is important in life and once you have your priori priorities set then you order your life accordingly what is most important is it to live in kesas or you know runers or whoever isn't it better that you agree to go to a lower standard of life in order not to need to be you know flying Here There and Everywhere away from your child yes if you realize your child's life is the most important that at the end of the day this is the life that is most important of everything in your life then you'll prioritize how much time do I need to do I get to spend with them um when I'm not here how am I making sure that they are not being exposed to the danger of pornography and other things on social media how do I make sure that my house manager is not just somebody that I picked from anywhere who so long as how do I make sure I'm even paying a little more for somebody who is able to to to to speak value into my child and walk with them how do I make sure that this you know and and you know women need to be particular is this person do they value God because at the end of the day when you realize that many of the people who are living dysfunctional lives when they were growing up the point is they were introduced to what Vice that took them down by either somebody in the home or you not being there so they had to they were playing in their neighborhoods yes and probably were deviated from the path of you know the standard that you wouldd have liked them to come to you know so it's a question first of all of prioritization of your values realizing that this child these children are the most important um commodity or yes you know people you have on Earth and that their upbringing is key and then doing the homework you need to find out how do I parent well how do I parent well and there's a lot of material out there a guy called Stanley M he has a whole course I did this course when I was I had the fourth born already then I thought oh my goodness I wish I could wind back the the clock of time you know and employ some of these things even in the little time you have with your child what do you say how do you make sure you're consistent how do you make sure you're affirming how do you make sure you're directing them right so that they are flourishing from the inside out how do you make sure your friends with them because you know as children grow they're not going to consult their enemies you know their parents they see them there you know uh you want to cultivate a friendship with them I must say in my own life this is one thing I've seen um really I thank God for that each one of my daughters is a close friend and we have deep conversations with them and they feel free to come to me on any account yes beautiful and the church and the society because you know you are here now you just said earlier mom and dad are celebrating today is their 65th anniversary but people are looking at you a woman of God and they miscon and The Stereotype out there God hates divorce like it's your family make it work you said I do for better for us till death do us part but you part before death what are you doing Mom you know they will ask these questions that's a good one yes that's a good one the ultimate thing and in life is to be to go along the path of being like Jesus okay um we're just doing a right now I've just been reminded in biblical counseling where our leader is constantly telling us that the the epitome is not the two together forever even even where they killing each other where they giving each other poison where there's you know just toxicity it is aligning to God so that in this environment of one they can create a functional hole that will allow the children growing in that environment to be all that God made them to be you know so the highest thing is not you know you're being beaten you know you're being you know abused you're being uh but you stay there because it you know for better for better for us the thing is uh when it's not working seek councel seek Direction speak out don't sort of pretend everything and this is where we must you know encourage our women and relationships speak out when it's not working it can be made better I was talking to a lawyer friend actually the other day and she was uh telling me that she's she's a lawyer friend and she was saying that couples who blow the whistle on one another somehow the there seems to be a reconnection to where life becomes better you know so a woman who is being abused in the home says being beaten actually takes a P3 and and says you know this is what this man has been doing you know and he Styles up like immediately immediately because he realizes it's not business as usual there's something called tough love there's something uh called allowing somebody to live the life they have chosen you know you're on your way to where you're going and if you are have chosen to go to Mombasa and the rest of us are going to kisumu we should not have bought our trip in order to accomodate you we should allow you to go the way you're going so that you feel fulfilled in the way that you have chosen to go you know so it's not to say that marriage does not work that is not what I'm saying it's not to say that this is not the institution that God um formed and indeed Compares it with his own relationship with the church and it is to be above you know it is it is the thing that is closest to heaven on Earth a good marriage but we should not um uh sort of ignore uh signs of dysfunction and destruction one to another we should seek to do it right and live authentically live vulnerably so that our children are also helped to see this is how it is this couple who is celebrating 65 years let me tell you I don't want to I want to brag on my parents okay because it is not that they were they were void of of difficulties um they came from a very humble background my dad um hired his gown my mom's gwn for 30 Shillings when they got married they were in a one roomed house they started at the lowest of the lowest but you know what they had Christ and they um respected one another they loved one another when there were issues in the home they would invite us we would actually all speak about it when it was that somebody wants to get married a let see who this girl Gabriel wants to get married let us look at it what is important what does the Bible say every day we had altar you know family altar my dad would read the word of God we would pray we would you know hold hands together we would wait for one another on the D dinner table we would all be there sharing a meal you know not just doing it as we please so they set pace for for marriage for us and all of us desire to have a good marriage you know in in many many homes many young people are not even wanting to get married from what they see in their homes really there's nothing to to look forward but I must see this couple Mr and Mrs Nelson kti shout out to shout out you did it right and I love you're so pretty shout out to them yeah they you know I I have been given a lot you know they say much is given much is expected my parents gave us a lot they set Pace you know for what Christian marriage is supposed to be like how one another being one another's you know um encouragers greatest cheerleaders credibility part credibility partner you know accountability partner you know and just looking out for one another and today they are at that place good beautiful does forgiveness mean reconnecting for you so say Dad go and he's good now girl my girl my girl I'm here I've done the work you sent me to do I'm here my girl will you take will come back you know me I say nothing is impossible with God nothing is impossible with god um I I I have that conversation with go and said you know me my life belongs to you yes I gave it to you many years ago you know and I get to do what he says to do cuz I'm here for his agenda for his glory um so forgiveness is there definitely and to anybody who is Ever struggling with a forgiveness please don't even think twice you need to forgive because we have been given the grace to forgive we have sufficient Grace to forgive before we are even offended and uh and forgiveness is really like taking poison and expecting the other person to die you know it is toxic to us it attracts just open doors to the enemy so we need to really embrace it and I have walked with my daughters on this in terms of forgiving their dad and uh being open to reconnecting and uh and and and just walking a journey of you know extending Grace for myself yeah if that day came we are good so by God ordered by God you know we are talking about forgiveness but how often as parents should how often as parent should you ask forgiveness from your children oh often often I think we should set Pace that when I fail you know when I don't follow through on something I said I would do when I give Cel that was not right when I I hurt you know not intentionally or even intentionally sometimes I need to be willing to humble myself you know we need to Humble ourselves one to another even parents to children many times I've found you know I needed to say sorry actually not even so long ago when you know we had the conversation m'am why did you stay that long you know we are we are nursing some wounds because you know we we we felt like we were obligated because now you are you didn't leave and you know I took up the the the the position and said you know what from the depth of my heart I am sorry I'm sorry for any way in which uh I have spoken or not acted or given an idea of you know being one way and I'm another um you know forgive me forgive me because none of us is perfect beautiful none of us is perfect and we need to walk in that humility this is for everyone that is watching friendships did you lose friends did you gain because there are people who were with you because you walking this particular path then you come back do they come back with you or were you okay losing friends and gaining other friends the truth of the matter is that being in a in a relationship with someone in addiction or a dysfunctional home isolates you because it's not the story that even your church buddies want to hear you find yourself uh doing life alone a lot of times and only having one or two friends you know soulmates you know uh prayer Partners who know the story who are walking with you I remember God gave me two very special friends who you know by I want I don't want to say coincidence were also walking journeys of difficulties in own marriages so we we made a good uh comrad we were good friends and we continue to be to to today um you know in one of the cases God restored and you know what a beautiful uh relationship she has in marriage um the other one you know they they went apart and I think the husband uh died um and I'm sort of in the in between and uh looking to God so it's it's really taking it for what it is you see you don't want to be fake you know when you make friends like uh you're in a group and everyone is sharing their story and you know if you are to open your mouth the hell will break [Music] close it would be bad bad news um so you know you don't talk out in fact even my own family didn't know about this until when you know I worked for the church and uh there was a stalemate where you know there was an ultimatum given that you need to not continue in this job you need to work in a job that is is fruitful and we called the family and for the first time they appreciated the kind of you know relationship we we had had and the struggles we had had and the vulnerability and the vulnerability yeah so we we we thank God one needs to live authentically um let God be your best friend let your daughters your your sons your your immediate ones that God gives you be be ones that you can share because you do need people along this journey you can't do life alone human beings were not made for living life in isolation yeah no man is an island no man is an island yes but I want to wind up Mom but before I do that you know as you drink your coffee one of the things I noticed you are categorical in can I have it with honey please so I realized mom is not a sugar person I don't want to ask you how you stay young because one of the things I'm learning to appreciate is aging we cannot continue saying oh I look young looking old also or aging is a gift it's a gift it means you've seen an extra day you've experienced life and you still have the gift of life in you but momam I'll do a great service to people who are watching if I don't ask how do you stay this feet how do you stay this feet you know I'm about three and a half four years ago yes the Lord spoke to my heart and said that if you continue to live as you are living you will not fulfill the purpose for which you're here your body will not carry you know the body has to carry you to how long you need to be here on Earth so he corrected me he said cut out all uh processed foods do not eat processed two start to exercise start to keep fit yes and so I took those things me I'm very obedient in those matters yes so no sugar no processed and we are doing our squs and my sausages my Bacons my you know you know and no so you're back to the roots now I'm back to the roots and and is my best dish you know that that's where I flourish I love those kinds of things and then there's a program I found on on the internet A lady called Lucy Lucy wind and read and she does exercise so yeah no Mom you're fly like you look you look you look amazing you know so in moderation in moderation I appreciate you you've been so amazing to host you're full of this very beautiful energy as I said you walked in and I felt like I was just having a conversation with my own mom which is very beautiful but where can people find you and also before I wind up is there anything you wanted to touch on that feel free okay yes if there's anything you want to touch on feel free okay let me give out a a shout out to the organization I work for because I know many people have relatives friends neighbors who are in addiction um Teen Challenge Kenya is an organization that started 59 years ago and has uh 145 countries that has the program that helps people out of addiction to drugs alcohol and other life controlling issues and they do it through uh discipleship ship helping people to know Christ and grow in him understand who they are who they are and how to navigate life uh in the in the right way by the Bible standard uh it's a one-year residential program we have three centers in Kenya uh we started 16 years ago two in K two in kambu and one in nakuru two for men and one for ladies we don't mix the two and then we um uh help people just come to the place where they're able to do life right or you can um come to us we have a website uh www. Team challeng kenya. org you'll find all the information for how um you can get to us and uh we welcome your your questions yes the other thing is for me personally I have an Instagram page yay at Emily Obaka yes good they will be right there to follow you so that we can be able to get encouraged thanks don't [Applause] [Laughter] good you know Tik Tok has a it it's it's a platform with different people but one thing I love about it is that people are able to talk lot of judgment app even if you're looking into talking to young people it's a very beautiful platform for you of course it's a social platform but it's also a very beautiful platform to be in so yes Asanti I'm going to I know I'm going to be hosting uh your daughter uh today I can't wait for people to be able to listen to her story and also watch it tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. cuz we're going to Heir yours and then has it's good to hear from now the child's perspective I love Jesus girl like even that name in itself and how she's been able to conquer and you know how her life has been restored you I know how many of us you like Addiction in this country I I even me personally I've had to deal with it in my own family and I know the pain I know the pain the frustration the guilt and you wondering will things ever get better I know that and I feel like the more we talk about these things the more we heal our nation so I really can't wait to sit and have a conversation with her but because I know maybe Angie Joan and the rest of your family might watch what do you want to tell them let me let you do that part short for them I love you girls um you are such an inspiration to my life Angie Joanne Dora and Nelly you cause me to know that motherhood is worth it 100 100% you've been a joy you've been such a an encouragement to my life you've been such a oh yeah friends forever and I'm so grateful to God for having given you to me a privilege of bringing you up and watching God just do amazing things in you and through you continue to do life right and uh praying for you daily beautiful God bless you bless you too and thank you for being an inspiration on our platform happy mother day in advance and I know people have learned a thing or two and I hope can continue as I earlier healing our na like you know you spoke about Africa you know we have the mind we have the resources but we will not enjoy these things because of the number of dysfunctional homes that we have and if parents can be able to look deep and if people can be able to get out of those spaces and also prioritize the wellbeing of their kids we will be okay I've done shows where people have carried trauma left right and center and sometimes Mom it's it's true what am I supposed to do with it you can't still process that even as a 50y old but when we continue affirming love positivity and doing the work in itself I know we will be okay it's world view change it's the transformation of the mind yes that's where healing is because God has a way to do it good that sets free beautiful let me let you go I know you have guests later on but I hope uh you've really enjoyed being in this platform I really have you're such an inspiration and I want to bless this platform that you have I pray that many many lives will be healed not just in Kenya as we prayed at the beginning but across the nations of the world because of your authenticity because of the beauty that flows out of you I told you the moment I came into this office man there is such an air and a Ambiance of love and comaraderie and just acceptance such a such a a wonderful place and you're a wonderful person I appreciate and I receive that too and I know God will continue open IND you just talk to us as your children we will listen we will listen thank you Mom and to you guys at home ah what a show like what a woman what a conversation mom is such a beautiful Vibe a beautiful ball of energy and I hope you've been inspired wherever you are let me know in the comment section what's your take Instagram she thinks of entering Tik Tok you can check out her socials they are showing on the screen right now check out the organization that she talked about uh it's on your screen and pinned on the comment section also will be the website it's never too late to go back home and I hope we can be able to listen to her story and know once again it's never too late to go back home never too late to go back home so you guys have yourself a wonderful day I'm going to see you uh tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. we are hosting Dora for me it's an amazing opportunity for us to be able to hear how her life has been restored and how she's rebuilding her life so don't miss that uh episode tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. and also to say thank you to the amazing team that puts this work together scholar muga dama for putting this conversation together and also the amazing team at El that you don't get to see here on screen the people who make our work easy Joshua valer mutang our amazing editors we appreciate you thank you for taking your time and also our beautiful Partners at Kings developers limited and marid daddy motos for sponsoring our content and making sure we continue to grow as a brand so do check them out Kings for beautiful apartments and mared Daddy for great car your dream my dream car is a Land Rover it's a Land Rover beautiful they'll take good care of you so guys me I'm out of this place see you tomorrow at 10:00 a.m. bye [Music]

Channel: Lynn Ngugi

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Id: o2cjubqhLGE

Length: 72min 50sec (4370 seconds)

Published: Thu May 09 2024