The Most Confusing Steven Seagal Movie You'll Ever See

listen I want to take back everything I've said about Steven Seagal in the past and instead double the down this movie is the peak zero exaggeration and the worst part it isn't even a Steven Seagal film I must sound like a broken record at this point oh he's barely even in the movie yeah that's cuz he just showed up for 2 days played grab ass with the extras smoked his weight and cigars and muttered his lines in whatever accent flavor of the day his horoscope told him to go with but this is undeniably the worst offense by far I get the marketing aspect of it but the audacity to put this man anywhere near the cover in this case it's honestly just disrespectful to the actors who are the heart of this albeit very flawed film leeu yanah asold clis fan those are main characters by the way sorry for any mispronunciation everybody in this movie foreign as hell Tyson's actually kind of warranted I'm not mad about him on the cover but like some of the covers is marketed as Sagal verse Tyson which sure they fight once but also this isn't even really true they're basically on the same side for the majority of the movie did that say Mike Tyson's in this Mike Tyson's in this movie one of the greatest boxers of Our Generation known for some great onliners like I'll [ __ ] you till you love me tragic is one word you can use to describe this film another one is overstuffed they had money they had ideas and that wasn't a great combination for them they needed someone to settle them down just give him a little pop that's stupid we don't need that there were no Wranglers wrangling the pre-production like you know those Hollywood movies that have been memed in the past that are just movie movie movie movie movie or how about The Exorcist 2 where leading up to the climax of the movie 19 different [ __ ] things are happening that is this movie on my first watch I checked out at one point because I could no longer absorb more information no joke I thought the movie was over at one point I was messaging my editor Scout about the ending and I checked the timeline and I still had 54 minutes left I was dumbfounded so much had happened how the [ __ ] is this movie not over please enjoy me struggling to describe the entirety of China's salesman to you this one's going to need the for the fans intro for sure we will thank our sponsor and then get into it [Music] okay so I'm thinking around round five that's probably when that rheumatoid is going to start hitting and then that's when I'm going to catch him po pow that's when we got him right there oh hey didn't see you guys there you can call me Jake J peasy Mr knocka dad's dad I'm just busy trading for my next fight just really trying to work on breaking my bad habits inside the ring and also outside the ring with today's sponsor fume an award winning flavored air device that has no Vapor no nicotine it's just breathing in air with a little dash at sexy you see I got a pretty gnarly oral fixation so this is perfect for me coach actually thought I was doing something naughty the first time he saw it but after he was done complimenting the Sleek look and I told them about all the success stories you're going to see them in my corner fuming up baby who knows maybe even me mid hook fume up baby just to make sure I got everything I need and he'll be only one of 300,000 customers served for a limited time use code Mr G to get your free fume base when you order the journey pack it's the allnew magnetic stand for your fume device head to trif nume.com that's Tri f.com and use code miss the GG or scan the QR code on screen to get your free fume base when you order your journey pack today and thank you f for sponsoring this video so we're in Africa fresh off of War and the government is looking at prioritize mobile Telecom yen is our main character and also currently narrating here's Steven go on a bike also here's me on a bike LeBron this feels like more work than just buying a helmet with a tinted visor or better yet just don't use this shot just use this one the other one you shot of the bike this is actually a pretty Primo foreshadow for the movie's motto of we didn't need to do that but we can now the movie begins with narration but the first line of in-person dialogue is a dozy I'll let you guess what it it is I'll give you three choices play along at home losers take a shot a Steven Seagal says quote where the hoes at B Mike Tyson says a slur that we don't say anymore or see the title of the join the salesman that's the first line in the script and even better than that he says that and nothing else join the salesman China salesman Five Nights at Freddy's Paul Patrol the mighty movie The what movie this is real life dog chase almost [ __ ] died now what's a Steven Seagal movie without Steven Seagal the same exact movie correct he's rarely that prevalent in his own movies nowadays and even with that I thought Tyson was going to be the Cameo of this movie but he beats out Seagal screen time pretty significantly but here he is brighten early in the movie so he can then hibernate for 80 minutes I've actually inadvertently reviewed Seagal's three most recent films China salesman next in line at Fourth and I feel like I'm never going to be able to stop sometimes I'm so dialed into onscreen Seagal that I almost forget he's an actual person real life Steven seigal is kind of like Co because you'll randomly see a news article about him and be like still still not to mention they're only relevant because of a foreign superpower anyway Seagal is in the middle of a deal he's delivering enough enough weapons and ammunition to take down a small village and in return he receives these ashy ass barrels of coconut wine but how can he be sure it's good wine great question look at you participating gold St but the simple answer taste test I'm sure there's a lader around here somewhere that's your Barrel now stupid ass you sure you don't want to freshen up while you're at it [ __ ] spoons silver wear let me just dip my shitty booty hand in and then take a slurp from said shitty booty hand yeah DB me up baby like that [ __ ] that [ __ ] sticky or what listen I get we all got different Customs this [ __ ] is in a bar there are clean glasses right here so anyways the actual main characters I mentioned Yan Jan who is the join the salesman he's out here trying to help win his company a bidding so they can control the communications between North and South Africa he's going to attempt to do that with his two most powerful traits s and being Chinese Michael the guy who saidin is apparently a French spy trying to win the bidding so they can control the mineral resources of Africa and Michael will eventually hire Sagal and Tyson to help him win I wouldn't be able to fully explain this plot without Wikipedia and I'm not even sure if that shit's right Su I have a spare car you can use thank you Michael listen if you've been with me for a minute first off love you you're not going to say back but there was a video where I covered a phony dating site with video testimonials and I'm just going to play you some clips back to back for no reason whatsoever thanks for dating.com for this meeting I like you man there are certain lines we better not cross okay I take it back so m Tyson the champ has been in a handful of movies you're probably familiar with the hangover Cameo which was funny and worked well because Mike Tyson played Mike Tyson but when you have Tyson play an African general named kabah and force him to do an accent which respectfully champ he cannot do you get this people are not extinct we now spread all over Africa for sure I can recover our nation but I need your no in that one read alone you heard Tyson attempt the accent give up on it for the next line and then just have the rest of his lines sloppily dubbed by the way what he's saying doesn't even make sense because Michael here stupid ass name tells Tyson I dug up this history book that talks about how your ancestors lost her country 2,000 years ago and nearly went extinct Tyson reads the glossery and then says people are not extinct he didn't say they are who wrote this we're not even at the Mountain yet by the way this next scene is the epitome of the sheer disconnect in this movie Seagal enters the scene where Tyson and Michael M Tyson are talking please just watch House gentlemen thanks I don't drink all right man do I even need to say anything no shut up because I'm gonna so go pulls up with this henchman Stone code Steve [ __ ] San Antonio this guy does not fit in this world at all and I realize I'm saying that in a frame that also has Jake Paul's Future Boxing opponent and the blues musician behind alligator ass he ask Michael how he's doing don't know where he's looking Michael doesn't respond and he just immediately says good go go hey Michael how are you good good good it's like he maybe did say something on set but we don't hear it nor is it dubbed so you get this clunky dunky ass interaction where Tyson says wait guys I I think I finally got this accent down I don't drink and cut that was perfect Mike are you sure I feel like maybe it could have been better no you definitely sound like the accent that you're going for okay okay everybody we're going to take five so if you can are you lying Mike I would never okay you better not be lying I'll [ __ ] kill you this sc's also weird because everyone is so difficult to understand Tyson's got his lisp and is adding this Looney Tunes Accent on top of it this fell sounds French as hell Sagal mumbles without subtitles I didn't know who the hell was on whose side so as Tyson said I don't drink his country the one he's in has an alcohol prohibition which he stands by that's why Seagal's got this Speak Easy deal going so to persuade him to drink Michael's like you know your people's Warriors used to be tough men who could hold their drinks Tyson doesn't care then he says well you have to drink anyways that's the rule here because otherwise Sagal thinks you're going to report him for selling Tyson denies even thinking of reporting him so he just doesn't drink and then tries to leave and that's where we hear This Guy's first line M drink you must this is where sagal's Fed Up gives his smiley ass Bartender the signal to piss in a glass and have Tyson who was allergic to a second take drink it and this is a serious moment and drink this you don't just put in a cinematic boom unless there's some nice warm African piss in a pint Tyson whoops his ass and this action scene isn't the worst because Tyson looks good throwing a punch like is there dumb [ __ ] like this guy choosing to throw a barrel that Tyson uppercuts this guy Landing a straight kick to Tyson's face which he eats yes this girl breaks a bottle over Tyson's head and Tyson assuming he was a fellow penis retaliates only to be stopped by Steven Frederick AAL because he supports women is there a picture up here that just says Africa what National Geographic cover did you take this from anyway they face off after trading blows and Steven does [Music] this how you doing everything good happy all right [ __ ] right here you're a bunch of [ __ ] get the [ __ ] out of here aren't those your guys you own the place so if if you're new here seagull's got a bit of an ego because he never I repeat never loses a fight he does not die even when he's the antagonist of the [ __ ] movie in some movies he doesn't even get touched so this fight is interesting because they go back and forth now I think Seagal shows the most prowess especially with his coveted backs spinning Earl tap that shit's no joke that'll have you picking up the morning radio for the next week I just hope Tyson doesn't respond with an ear attack of his own cuz that one's going to be worse but shock ly and I mean shockingly Tyson wins the fight and even crazier than that he's holding sagal's head down and broken glass like a bully then pops himone before he leaves pretty demeaning [ __ ] that I assume normally does not fly with the big d s and granted this technically isn't Sagal it's this guy I don't know if that was a loophole I mean I know it's a stunt double but it's funny to think of Sagal thinking oh once I start actually losing the fight I'm not going back on camera yeah I'm I'm actually done for the day goodbye like he could have subbed in here when the guy's head is in the [ __ ] shelf to help with the realism but he wasn't goingon to I feel like he agreed to lose the fight out of respect the Tyson or China was like bro we don't give a [ __ ] you're getting overpaid as is you're taking a fall so I'll try to save you the bore of the drama surrounding the heated debate of 3G being the standard in the Telecom bidding over GSM and CDMA aka the worst soap opera ever but I kind of have to explain it to you otherwise the plot doesn't make any sense I'm sorry keep in mind I watched this movie twice without fully understanding what I'm about to tell you so maybe it doesn't matter yenen said 3G should be the standard for the bidding because it's better faster and he knew he could phase out some competing companies in that one move yenen works with DH Telecom and Michael works with MTM they are now the only two who can compete in 3G yenen thought he was ahead of the curve because he secretly knew his company had worked on some 3G prototypes already but they haven't officially put them into production so they refuse to send him one to use for the bidding until he tells one of his bosses he can make the 3G Speed even faster with an enhancement program he's been working on and they have to give him a prototype to work with if he proves it works someone thought this was interesting okay quick important scene break what the goal pay attention hey R how you louder just leave me alone good idea did you get that hey that better still be from your Barrel so Tyson is spying on Yen Jen he's taking photos bugging his phone the whole N I guess the apparent French spy needed this African general to do a bunch of spy [ __ ] Tyson learns that yenen finished his program and that's going to help DH with a faster speed also that he has received a 3G test machine which is not certified which I guess isn't cool so he just disguises it with spray paint like a Ben Stiller did and Meet the Parents jinxy cat Michael hears about it and calls Seagal to get his hands on that enhancement program and he says oh yeah yeah I think I got it yeah pretty sure this it you have it it's a program oh uh my bad I thought you said a fat ass the signal not that good yeah that's that's kind of our the thing we're trying to do right now you said you wanted a a bro slam cuz out a roll that way pimp you already no iani it's so weird because she didn't even need to be in this scene she just delivers him fake coffee and he sends her back to her hole after he gets the call he's not even doing anything he's just sat here looking at photos of him by the way before I info dump on you again I think it's a good time to bring up how the title sequence says China salesman this movie is based on the true story not the true story you were thinking of dumbass the true story now just in case we're unaware the based on a true story thing used to be a sexy little draw for horror movies mainly you tell me this happened no now is there a real person who has that name and maybe had the same occupation sure did he see a ghost power blast his wife against the door and start an in-house tornado I think that was just a little remixing I don't know what story this is based on with the movie being so convoluted and all the boring Telecom [ __ ] were forced to sit through you would think that that's all in there because that's all the true [ __ ] of the true story and though Seagal Tyson [ __ ] is the remixing there are even these little paragraphs at the end tell you what happened beyond the movie which is normally once again the true [ __ ] and I searched the names the crimes African Telecom advancement and I found nothing I read other reviews and nobody else seems to know either the only thing I found was this Hollywood Reporter article just sucking the movies balls talking about some of the things the director has said which I have no clue where they even got that I wasn't able to find any other articles any videos I have the [ __ ] Blu-ray it doesn't say on the back anything about director's commentary it says bonus features image slideshow and theatrical trailer I have the full movie why the [ __ ] the writer seems to be the most knowledgeable on the movie but even they lead their description with based on a supposedly true story if the man who wrote an article glazing the movie doesn't know then I don't know who does anyway I've started to realize at this point that this movie is too much to describe but I've already taken on the challenge and I'm not a [ __ ] but I need to do at least one of these a quick fire session so you realize how much random [ __ ] happens in this movie ready Susanna drives y Jen out here to do something on a tower he takes in some views Susanna just [ __ ] off takes into some views of her own beautiful music plays yanen asked for a fingerprint over the walkie to finalize the process of what he's doing but he can't find her turns out there are apparently women trying to sacrifice a child and Susanna is being held back from trying to save that child she just saw that while admiring The Horizon I guess so yanen pulls up kidnaps the child jumps in the back soldiers appear whip him off the back they chase Susanna shoot at her a horse collapses she gets away so they hang Yen Jan like a turkey while he yells you barbarians Susanna gets to a doctor nighttime Falls soldiers catch up to Susanna oh it's the little girl's dad touching moment Asa from the wine deal shows up to this Piñata Fest he talks with Susanna and says we have different religions and Customs though we misunderstood each other and thanks her for her kindness which doesn't clear up anything it like fence sits on what they were actually doing to begin with it's not an explanation at all Yan Jen's partner picks him up and he's asking what happened turns out the girl was safely returned and the only way they let Yan Jen loose was for him to chug a jar of booze because as mentioned earlier you're supposed to be a big drinker if you're a true warrior also ASA gifted him some wine as a going away gift like a jerk because haha hangover this all happens in just 6 minutes of screen time and we're not even at the 30- minute Mark of this movie and listen I'm sure I could describe any action scene like that and make it sound like it's so much more than what it is but the fact that this arises from nowhere took a lot of manpower to get on the screen to begin with and ultimately doesn't really matter for the remainder of our watch what the hell are we doing do we just have money I don't understand it has to be that we just had so much money and we just China let me hold a dollar Susanna receives these photos where she can apparently tell what's happening and she reports it to a higher up Yan Jan is being B but he doesn't care then we randomly see Yan Jan pour out the wine he got and ask to fill it with goats milk and then we're at the bidding now Susanna's kind of racist because she never calls Yan Jan by his name she only calls him Joana salesman even after they went through all of this together now Michael's got like five tricks up his sleeve to make sure that he wins the bidding aside from being involved with Susanna I guess they're like romantically involved which means they're supposed to be into I suppose just look at those Sparks Fly the first trick up his sleeve this is the Jammer you wanted and best of all it is absolutely untraceable good job so they have to showas a successful phone call at the bidding but this Jammer is going to interfere with that I just [Music] sneezed but you heard the man it is absolutely untraceable we'll never be able to oh the guy's there at the bidding this is the gammer it is absolutely untraceable is that you yenen tries to find a workaround but that's when Michael's second trick goes into motion he opens his email to photos of a destroyed helicopter and then sends an email to Tyson saying togar is dead bring your guys over here you probably don't understand obviously an important person to the country an Tyson has just died in a helicopter crash I don't think he's in the movie but this very urgent email is going to fire up Tyson to go to the bidding this is apparently somewhat breaking news and he was sent photos of the crash site already I don't know who sent it I don't know why to him I don't know how or if this was even pre-planned at all anyway why he's doing that yenen flexes that he has a backup and his calls actually can't be jammed that's when the third trick immediately goes into action the police bust through the door asking for Yan Jen who is now being arrested for quote drinking and hiding alcohol there's a lot to take in here again I actually don't know if this is Michael's doing or if this is just sheer coincidence because as gave him those canteens but Michael had no part in that furthermore we're awkwardly shown him dumping it out any anyways and filling it with goats milk and as he's arrested he's yelling that he was set up I was set up let's go try me let's go I said I didn't not alcohol in there Bo is this alcohol but then I thought about it and there is this well edited scene shortly before the bidding don't worry the police have been paid off okay ahuh Tyson obviously paid the police to falsely arrest Yang Jang but if that was the plan why the hell did you even bother with the Jammer and more importantly this could have been the [ __ ] plan gen Jan was out of the picture already Michael was going to win the bidding but then Tyson shows up and shoots those very cops they shoot all the equipment they throw nades in empty rooms that got like only one chubby monitor I genuinely don't understand maybe this next scene will clear something out huh that's actually quite clever at least in the way I'm taking it it's like Tyson's projecting the dereliction of his fty but metamorphosing it into an incursion the goofy dub grunt representing the barbarity of it and the literal butt of the gun representing how ass this movie is the capital is in chaos the silver war is unavoidable this is Andy Nelson reporting live from the capital so yeah there's a civil war now happening in the country togar was a new leader / vice president and Tyson believes the government had something to do with his death so now there's an uproar in the country and I hate that I have to make sense of all this for you because I don't want to do this I'll tell you straight up I really don't it's out of love at this point the things I do for love so here's the very glaring stupid part to all of this and [ __ ] listen I didn't think of everything in this movie for you not [ __ ] listen toar just died by chance in a chopper the government had nothing to do with it that's truth but Tyson believes they did and I guess that was somewhat ins ated in this email it wasn't but now Tyson's out to avenge toar so he's just here to slaughter but going off that I guess this means Tyson started the Civil War in a matter of I don't know a minute and a half just off an assumption right because if Tyson didn't get the news himself because he still questions Michael on the legitimacy of the news when he arrives that means his high-tech ear to the streets ass hasn't gotten that Intel meaning no one rioting now has either which means this all has to be Tyson's fault right Michael tells him the truth once he's there and already killed multiple people and started a war and Tyson's not even for war but Michael tells him the war between the North and the South was inevitable so he should take advantage to start a new and give his people land or some [ __ ] because when they're able to kill the communication between people that'll be their time to strike Michael oh also Michael's colleague was in the stall and then gets shot for trying to tell everybody what's happening I will tell everyone the truth yeah good job telling them that while you were leaving dick then something possesses Yen Jen to grab a radio and start holding it up like he knows the announcements over the radio are about to say something important that'll stop this war which coincidentally they will because they're starting to announce the cause of the chopper crashing which was just an accident but right before it does tyon just walks out of the bathroom shoots it out of his hand come on fellas and I guess no one else in town had a radio either so never gets delivered all right see you Tyson destroy them all good luck with that so this is when a third group barrels through the door in a tank and shoots Tyson soldiers that stayed behind and this group that just murdered people this is the north Army Tyson's South Army just left so now this is the new dilemma by the way we're at 40 minutes out of 110 a little over a third of the movie send help so the north and south need to get on a call and decide whether they are going to battle or not that call needs to be broadcasted for the media to hear and this must be done before 9:00 a.m. tomorrow if it is not they're just going to start blasting I suppose anyway I started blasting so the north Army needs the help of all these Telecom professionals who just so happened to all be in the same building today maybe there is another solution regardless of the gunfire who are you a China salesman China salesman how many times are going to say the title of this movie I love how no one's even like you got a name China salesman all right yeah that rolls off the tongue the Europeans are mean to yenen the Africans are mean to him but he is the hero of the film he is intelligent and brave and Chinese do not forget that he's Chinese yenen puts his first plan into action and Michael realizes it's probably going to work so he orders kabba hello to knock out the three towers at the north south border he's doing this in the bathroom again with the door open this time in this echoey ass bathroom at enough house border especially the one in the bay Yen Jen in a couple of seconds figures those towers are probably damaged so he agrees to go fix them those receivers might be damaged can you fix it mrman I guess that's more polite he says he needs Susanna to go with him because her figure print is the master key for all of Africa for whatever reason there's some bickering about the alcohol DH losing the B how Susanna is useless on this Mission and they move out Tyson's a strategist right modern day Napoleon he spots the north Army rather quick and gives very precise instructions fire go go wait you're having them leave the tank the well-being of Africa relies on these two idiots why wouldn't they at least stay in this bunker with Wheels fire fire fire fire Fireball General we're surrounded General there's no following the fight it's just people blowing [ __ ] up they fixed the first relay Tower and are now crossing the southern border and remember the southern troops don't know if they should be fighting or not but if they see northern troops approaching they're going to shoot them and [ __ ] blow them up because that's what they think they want to do so when they're pulling up the northern General tells his troops do not shoot even if you're shot at we have to prove to them that we are not here to fight so to make this apparent they try to find some sort of un flag or Red Cross flag to wave to let them know they come in peace they don't have one because why the [ __ ] would they but that's when Yen xen gets a crazy idea I got this Chinese flag Chinese flag China salesman the China salesman the daughter can work impossible maybe maybe sway easily are we get a spine [ __ ] they pretty much brush off the idea but that's when Yen Jen remembers I'm the main character and he shuffles through gunfire and a rocket barrage to stop the southern troops from attacking China rules [Music] dude we get at least 52 shots of the Chinese flag dancing with Grace the European woman waving it proudly the African troops respecting its presence the flag has brought peace to this war zone the African troops start saying kneo and [ __ ] this movie is just straight up Chinese propaganda marketed as Sagal verse Tyson who wins China China wins so they make it to the second relay tower that has just been blown up and they ask around this tiny settlement as to what happened is this your ghost Madame excuse me was that a Hummer in a TCH a Hummer hidden in a tent it was wasn't it why did she pick up the animal why did she do that is this your goat is this your goat is this your goat I remember about 400,000 years ago I was chilling with my hunter gather tribe eating some chewy ass antalope Carnage ensues and Yen Jen pulls up to save Susanna along with some random women the goat is Left To Die the northern General gets gunned down and with leftover wobbly strength he throws one of those last second yic Threes And it hits Tyson's tank Yen Jen gets stuck and then ran over like [ __ ] Wy coyote he's fine somehow and he saves Susanna after she takes a nasty hit to the Head the Northern Leader walkies he's still alive by the way he walkies for these two and Yen Jen is giving up like a [ __ ] is it hopeless is it impossible impossible yenen I know you can do it Tyson is woken up because of the yelling and then just kills the Northern Leader because he's yelling right outside of his tank so this is pretty much all Yen Jen's fault he wouldn't have yelled if he didn't give up show the flag now yenen then miraculously gets away because Tyson insisted on running him over with the tank as opposed to I don't know something else there's a sandstorm Brewing so everyone decides to take a little halftime break right now because we can't see so listen up there are two towers somewhere that can form a signal if they're able to reach each other but there is a 20 km Gap however according to Yen Jen this Sandstorm may cause an unusual disturbance in the ionosphere which might help the Transmissions close that Gap the sandstorm may cause an unusual disturbance in Theos feere I don't think you heard me don't you get it the sandstorm may cause an unusual disturbance in the ionosphere he was in the Amazon with my mom when she was researching spiders right before she died so yenen starts driving towards one of the towers and he talks to Susanna about releasing the 3G source code to the public you guys probably have no [ __ ] clue about anything I'm saying but it's so stupid because I have to say it I would not be doing my job if I wouldn't be there's 1% of you 1% of you have been following me this long into this stupid story half of you have tuned me out the other 30% are taking a fat [ __ ] right now watching me not caring at all they're mid wipe they're like Telecom sort going in one ear out the other out their ass nobody's here for this but I have to tell you cuz for the 1% they're going to be like what that but hold on bridge that gap for me what's going on I'm just listening kicking my feet like a little toddler so as I was saying he talks to Susanna about releasing the 3G source code to the public DH Telecom source code I think he's saying that so there's not a real need for a bidding anymore so Africa can just do it themselves now and here's Susanna's input to hearing that idea though your idea is really annoying I have to say it's great and speaking of great ideas they arrive at the tower and Susanna gives him the Chinese flag to carry with him take this lucky charm lucky charm just carry this big ass flag as you climb this big ass Tower I'm sure this will make it easier somehow can you even do this just plop down your country's flag wherever you feel like it this is like when Mr Beast put the Shopify flag down in Antarctica shika is here and he vows to protect this Tower they pull up on the Northern Army who are also there and on the same side now I suppose and while they're both standing there that's when Tyson sneaks up with a tank and shoots the tower oh no Yen Jen grab the flag grab the FL also Tyson you still had some rockets in that thing that's so [ __ ] of you Sarah second missile is hit the relay Towers Sarah second says storm has hit the ayos spere Tyson tries taking down this Rando Chopper attacking him and then he blows up by the way did I clarify that yenen fell off this whole last hour because he did he fell off that whole last Tower but don't worry even though he's gotten thrown from a moving vehicle cold coock ran over and fall in 10 stories his shirt's just a little messy nothing a Tide pen and a little forehead kiss can't fix so the chopper that just blew up Mike Tyson lands and says this we are un peacekeepers we can't get involved in the war you guys must think I'm doing a terrible job of explaining this movie incorrect I'm explaining it perfectly and that's the problem the UN fella says what else can I help you with so he takes him up in the chopper and they use the chopper as a tower to carry that signal that they were initially trying to carry yenen connects them and the South calls the north just in time and the South's on the phone we know the truth about the chopper crash we know you guys weren't involved and we want to work towards peace and it's a very emotional but triumphant moment we have to protect what we have achieved so far cool the streets Rejoice because now they decided to turn on the radios I guess some Southern solders find Tyson and threaten to kill him but shikai shows up and he says no the war is over we will not kill our own let him go and he gives him some words of advice he smacks a horse on the ass and he sends him on his way and DH Telecom wins the bidding because of the unwavering Spirit of a China salesman and that is where this Steven Sagal movie ends you see what I mean that was excruciating to describe to you I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy but if you enjoyed this video please leave a like subscribe I'm so close to a million sub what sober I wish I wasn't over the movie's not over the movie's over at the the China salesman did the sale he did the China the China salesman did the sale that's the whole [ __ ] thing how is there any how is there movie left so Michael pulls up with a lawyer announcing that they are filing a lawsuit against DH Telecom for intellectual property infringement and fraudulent business practices and that halts everything for for some reason you know how many fraudulent lawsuits must be filed every single day those companies don't just stop doing what they do it's a legal matter that takes for [ __ ] ever but funny enough he does this and then he also tells the media follow me all the evidence right here and I didn't understand this part for a very long time but he pulls up to DH telecom's equipment that they have been using through crisis and he exposes that they were actually using MTM branded pieces this entire time because DH isn't actually capable of 3G technology take that now if you missed it because you did when they were setting everything up for the Emergency transmission dh's motherboard is fried so someone else brings them MTM stuff to use because that wasn't damaged and whether this was somehow a part of Michael's plan not even going to go there but yenen clear as day says direct Omar and Susanna are my Witnesses which correct but for whatever reason they don't say anything of value here Susanna gets a little cheesed and Omar is just smiling like ooh the plot Pickens can your freaky ass say something and this apparently has immediate results and DH is informed in seconds that they are disqualified from the bidding like literally breaking news Michael responsible for the infringement that is aggressively inaccurate I don't know guys it reads like somebody who worked on your movie also didn't know what the [ __ ] was happening in the movie they later tried to appeal to the president thanks for finally carrying Omar glad you took the time out of your day to Wrangle up your erection but but he says sorry this lawsuit is politics now we don't want to piss off the West so we're just going to let this right out and Susanna the bright soul that she is brings up he just kind of Saved everyone from going to war and destroying this beautiful land like I said he thinks yeah absolutely can't piss off the west and I love how there's no confidence on either side in just potentially getting this boofy ass lawsuit thrown out the man tinkered with evidence on air and there are a dozen witnesses that can testify that they all just used what they could in that moment this might be the stupidest thing possible to keep dragging this movie out anyway uh I don't understand the next part to this uh hey Gigi have you understood uh [ __ ] anything I'm trying trying more then I guarantee anybody who has ever watched this stupid movie I don't even know how much you need to understand this part but if you're curious which I know you are big Telecom fans in the audience yenen as he's being fired says that he has worked out a proposal for a public source code and if the board accepts it they will not only win the lawsuit but they also will win a ton of orders and they blow him off regardless he's fired Seagal's back in the movie but don't blink by the way we have had so many shots of this guy just on a call with very similar camera work every single time so Seagal calls Michael saying he quits and if you don't remember you don't he was hired to get his hands on Yen Jan's enhancement program but for whatever reason he just flipped and no longer wants to do it but not before Michael randomly gasses him up about his past reputation as a badass mercenary hell yeah seigal we I was looking for another reason to like you Seagal then hops on his bike and rides off into the sunset Yen Jen then randomly gets jumped at night and that's when Seagal that's where he was going stom man Seagal pulls up to save the day and yeah they do the thing again Michael also randomly pulls up and he shoots a bit as Seagal drives off while Yang Jen blanks the whip how everybody landed here at the same time that's just one of the mysteries of life baby I know you're starting to sense a theme here but I didn't realize this at my first or second watch but Sagal in this scene actually steals Yan Jan's enhancement program out of his bag the only reason I know that is because Michael says it in the next scene when he pays Seagal a visit which what is this like the next morning did he just follow Seagal home Michael demands the program that Seagal grabbed and then he signals to bronberg who proceeds to put money on the table [ __ ] [Music] you bro are you him or not these two slowly closed in hit you with a word to your mother and that stops you this Fell's not even looking at you weren't you just armed and with henchmen what the [ __ ] was your plan so I guess Yan Jen was door Dash to shik Assa and now he's talking to this fella and I don't know if it's the acting or all the dubbing or they just hired a freaky ass cast but like why do all the dudes sound like this get it as soon as you can I like you young man okay so K creep McGee over here is the head of the largest European Telecom company LK yes we did need another and he wants Yan Jen to work for him but Yan Jen wants to stick it out and do well by his company and then we see Yan Jen disappointed talking to the Chic and he throws away what I'm assuming is supposed to be his enhancement program that he's been carrying around you know kind of signaling that he's giving up this is too much for him there's nothing he can do but one tiny detail Seagal has that right do you not know that did you not look at what you were carrying if this isn't your enhancement program then what the hell is this supposed to be you just tossing out some perfectly usable equipment you didn't want to run by the Sheik first to see if he was a little low on RAM as far as we've been shown seagull didn't return the program so the Sheik's Palace gets broken into that night he whoops him ass but he gets popped trying to save our boy pour one out for the Sheik but that's when the Sheik's highly trained men show up with the big guns and they lose sight of the gunman and everyone in this movie is bad at their job apparently the mass man who killed the Chic and got away was Michael himself and I am still very confused because this idiot takes Yan Jan's bag in the effort to steal do the enhancement program he so desperately wants but once again SEO has it Michael knows that he might be the only man that does know that in this movie because he tells seigal to his face to cough it up and he apparently saw him take it when he was taking [ __ ] little pot shots at him I mean I can at least pretend to believe that Yen Jen's an idiot and just grabbed all the equipment from his bag assuming the program was still there too and that's what he thinks he tossed I mean it's a stretch but how the hell are you surprised you know he doesn't have it we move quick from here and they try to reiterate the solution for both sides because as an audience we really need this not being sarcastic nobody knows what the hell is going on but this is what it is if Yen Jen can make dh's source code public with a proposal to their headquarters they can win the lawsuit once again so now Michael has to find Yan Chen and kill him to stop him from doing so whether he knew that before or after he had the perfect opportunity to do so and he also still needs to get his hands on the program that Sagal has so we see Yan Jam playing peekabo as the Sheik's men try and get him out of Africa I guess and at the end of that we now see that Yan Jen is lost slowly dying in the desert here's a really emotional scene from them I have to do whatever it takes I need to release the H3 just Source good show transparency you can do it so my first watch when I told you that I just started to like zone out around this part of the movie I remember watching this next part and thinking what in the hell did I miss that I am currently watching this on my screen so here's another tearjerker moment for [Music] you what are you doing Yen Jen why is this happening Susanna you're naked and Jen you started the rolling sequence you initiated the roll it's weird because cuz you're not dead you're going to be well and alive after this scene so I don't understand this must release the source code that's you you [ __ ] idiot we then get introduced to a new character with a face tattoo who talks oh Mike Tyson's back and you can actually blink he'll kind of matter from now on so there's a clip from this movie that's coming up soon that's made the rounds and is pretty funny but I just want to say there are so many more from the movie that deserve a IL amount of love and here's one of my favorites right now son a bit what are you trying to do kill me hey shut up Michael pulls up on Tyson to bring him back into the operation persuading him with money he can use to give his tribe some land and homes and Tyson bites and boy does he Yen Jen is still trying to leave Africa so here's another Quick Clip I can't make that funnier than it already is that's like some incredible bulkshit in a multi-million doll International production so because the fella with the cute little photo was a rat Tyson and Michael find Yen Jen and forced him to start his enhancement program he sent through an email or something I don't know what the hell Michael said then this movie gets a bit more bold with its subtle messaging Michael just goes on like a kind of racist tyde talking about the West owns Africa they brought modern civilization there so they own their past and they own their present so stay out of this shy that sales man Yen Jen is absolutely disgusted at such a claim is tra part of your civilization and spting War and hunger part of your democracy he then references somebody's Fleet that came from China reaching Africa hundreds of years ago and how that person only left quote friendship sh and peace which made me take the time to read up on who he's referencing here and also to see if I could find something besides friendship and peace because I think it'd be funny if they just chose to have him lie in this throwaway line where they're like biging up China but alas as far as I can see uh the famous Admiral jangha pulled up to multiple pieces of land to be a homie trade some gifts let everybody know that China's out here and only Flex the muscle when he absolutely needed to so checks out China 1 Europe zero Tyson takes Yang Jan outside to throw him overboard and they didn't even try to make it seem like he's struggling to hold on here like he's off the side of a boat and he's just calmly readjusting himself and he's telling Tyson that Michael killed his Sheik assaid and he has the proof let me just slowly reach in my pocket when sa just got to find this silly thing first of all Tyson didn't even know the Sheik's dead so yenan could just be lying and he can't verify it either way but here's yenen showing him Michael's button that he accidentally left at the scene of the crime that he could have really gotten at any point point but Tyson bites and boy does meanwhile Michael gets stumped with some joke. exe after he thought he cooked and when he comes out to get Yan Jan back Tyson tells him you already jumped which is a funny way to put it cuz you were supposed to throw him Tyson I mean either way it's pretty intense stuff here's the next scene hey why don't you guys speak English you know what's funny when I first saw this I saw this out out of context clip before I saw the movie and I thought but once I see the movie this scene's going to make a lot more sense and after watching this movie multiple times and spending hours trying to make sure that I'm explaining it correctly to you dissecting the scenes making sure that I am the the China salesman Mastermind I don't know why that lines in the movie is it supposed to be funny it is but did they want that reaction seigal sounds genuine hey uh Native Chinese speakers Let's uh remix this bad boy huh hey B Isa choan [ __ ] I've been [ __ ] a lot of Chinese women recently so tells him he knows where yanhan is going and they can help him so yanhan makes it to DH headquarters and everybody pulls up Avengers style to help him gain access to the 3G source code with the necessary authorization I can just say random big words here and you just going to look look at me and Nod it's adorable look at you his homie then passes him back the program that he has not had because Sagal was the one that gave it to this guy yanen of course doesn't question anything doesn't think I thought I threw that into a canyon weeks ago although I was just a severely dehydrated in the desert throwing my brain into tumble dry low for about a mile down so maybe my memory judgment not the best right now and then we're also told that a Seagal just up and left to South America so he's out of the movie now I'm not kidding There Goes My her so they all start dark webbing together and yanhan tells the crew he'll take all the heat for this as he releases the source code to the leader of LK Telecom that he spoke to earlier that likes young men by the way while watching this scene I just remembered how funky the timeline is in this movie but we're almost at the end I just let me finish Michael and Tyson pull up to an event and secretly plant explosives everywhere and in the back Michael questions Tyson who's setting up a camera because that's not a part of the plan and Tyson's like no worries just a souvenir and Michael's like all right click he senses a betrayal coming the event is the leader of LK announcing who he believes is the next leader in this industry and the audience murmurs who Could That Be who are they talking about [ __ ] one of them has the balls to say is it Yen Jen and he announces the winner of this massive project that I don't think is related to the bidding I have I don't think I've heard about this yet but he says DH Telecom is the winner that's when Yen Jam pulls up late in the Uber and he gets a standing ovation the Great China salesman Michael orders Tyson to blow everyone up what's his plan after that I don't think they know and this is another fun line kind of small but we're almost done might as well what and boom don't move there's Bombs all over the place remain calm and you shall live Tyson warns everybody to chill out and then shows Michael tied up with a bombb strap to him because he must have wrangled him up back there got the camera on him to expose him not really expose him actually Michael just blows up and the way things have been working out I don't know if anybody knows that Michael was the bad guy he just kind of shows the murder of a man that nobody thought was a bad guy up until this point because they led him into the event along with Tyson but yeah they save you stay out of this do you really want all of these people to die huh it is very funny because Tyson doesn't want to hurt anybody but he's still just haphazardly setting off these explosives that are right by the audience he's just pressing one button I hope he knows the order he then confesses to all his sins in a very powerful monologue and that's when he turns the gun on himself wait Tyson no or I guess yes I don't know it's your life f [Laughter] yourself not in good taste that's fun and Tyson takes a slug to the grill no es carco down goes the champ Yan Jen is heartbroken for the man that he spoke to that one time and everybody watches the great disconsolate China salesman walk away sir we under the W oh yeah I forgot he said he was going to take the rat for everybody on the thing he did yes ladies and gentlemen your China salesman is no hero he's a hardened criminal wanted for inside illegal trading and fraud at least that's what his Warren says I think his Warren also says he's like 40 looking good my guy but yeah I'm guessing this was for releasing the source code he wasn't supposed to do this but he willingly gives himself up and then Susanna stands by aside even though that wasn't really established either but they're apparently ready to take whatever life throws at them and that's when we get the little ending notes in the sky which are Yan Jen was under arrest for fabricating documents and illegally releasing dh3 source code later released without charges turned on the promotion and went to help AFA some more instead the releasing of the 3G source code did a lot for glob mobile to telecommunication DH later won that lawsuit and became big dogs in the industry what story is this how did I learn more about [ __ ] Admiral Jang ha than the actual story that this movie is based on through this process anyway that's China salesman the most convoluted Steven Seagal movie I have ever had the displeasure of watching and further displeasure of trying to explain to you I would like for you to keep everybody and everything about this movie away from me for a very very long time like the video please subscribe we're trying to hit a Millie thank you to my lovely patrons who enjoy some live watches over there on my patreon code Mr Gigi gamer Subs 10% off great products and as always I am Mr Gigi and I am out I'm not going to be able to do it [ __ ] a [Music]

Channel: Mista GG

Views: 303,089

Keywords: mista gg, mista g dubs, mista gg live

Id: Kjwhz-vM1P4

Length: 54min 42sec (3282 seconds)

Published: Sat Jun 15 2024