The Marvels - Absolutely Pathetic

[Music] D the marbl holy [ __ ] Shocker the Marvels is exactly what everyone thought it would be a disaster in nearly every conceivable way a Hollywood production could go wrong it's a film that's been blatantly mutilated in the editing room and has become something of a Frankenstein's monster of a movie I saw it compared to the theatrical cut of Justice League and yeah I can see that that's how rough it gets it's so poorly paced and edited it's like the movie can't wait to get this over with it comes off like it's embarrassed of its own existence performances from most of the experienced actors on screen are flat and uninspired the dialogue is embarrassing characters choices come off forc or contrived the lead characters backgrounds are underdeveloped and The Chemistry Between the actors is okay at times but the characters themselves are never worthy of our admiration or emotional investment it exists because it must for the MCU machine and Disney Financial clearly said it's not worth the tax write off or the embarrassment to the company to shove it so delay delay until it finally has to hit theaters this is as vacuous as it gets the film itself was something the studio clearly had no faith in after its conception multiple delays and re-shoot for various reasons cemented it as a troubled production and you can see it hear it and there's a point in the movie where it's so shitty you can almost smell it or maybe that was the one other guy in my theater I really can't be sure between the anies and the garc my breath going to smell like ursel's box there's a point where Brie larsson's wig is so apparent you question if any of the film you've watched is from the first shoot or if it's entirely built off the multiple re- shoots and to top this disastrous production and year for the MCU the Marvel's is going to be the worst performing film in MCU history you know those times when you were 100% certain about something something you knew so profoundly in the very core of your being that it gave you confidence to speak as freely as you wanted the anticipation for the I Told You So moment building and you sit back and smile just waiting for it to arrive well that moment is here as the Marvel's finally released in theaters after not one not two not three but four release date changes oh my God or was it five you know what better question does it matter oh my uh uh this just in we have behind the scenes footage of Kevin fige pitching the Marvels to Disney and how he's going to make it chicken placenta wish whoever name this could go [ __ ] in a hat dijan micro do with some acid today's sponsor keeps is a subscription service that helps men well keep their hair they offer clinically proven treatments that help combat hair loss it's a convenient and affordable way for men to treat their male pattern baldness from the comfort of their home without ever visiting a doctor's office or Pharmacy it ships right to your door in discreet packaging now how I know cuz 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[ __ ] on this thing so let me talk to you yeah so basically Captain Marvel was responsible for a cre Civil War that left their Planet Hala like kind of less habitable I guess so their current leader who looks like a knockoff of Storm from the X-Men is stealing all kinds of [ __ ] from other planets and galaxies like uh Suns and water and atmosphere and what the [ __ ] I don't know the the apathy's already set in this all happens against a horrendously obvious green screen that the actors are standing against and it's a broken record at this point to mention how crazy it is that these films cost this much and look this bad at times pseudo storm finds a bangle in a space rock that is the matching bangle Miss Marvel has on Earth what luck a story commences if anyone else besides Kamala and a handful of other people in the entire universe had that bangle the Multiverse would be doomed huh lucky that didn't work out any other way except the one in 10 trillion chance it did or everyone would be dead at your convenience film pseudo storm uses her new bangle paired with her Hammer thing and rips a hole through SpaceTime during all this Miss Marvel Captain Marvel and Monica Rambo switch places with each other if they use their powers regardless of where they are in the universe because reasons concerning light or some [ __ ] these abilities of course happen at the movie's convenience a number of times it happens when any of them use their powers but then later in the film they figure out to use them at the same time to cause a switch again at your convenience movie pseudo Storm shows up to another planet to steal its water to restore Hala you know as mentioned that planet happens to be the scroll Refugee colony and this lady can go anywhere with ripping holes through space time but decides to go here because she's well vindictive I guess it's like the Scarlet Witch thing why didn't want to just go to a universe where she wouldn't have to kill anyone to get her away assuming pseudo storm doesn't know about the Multiverse it's still a g Galaxy so why doesn't she find another planet not filled with refugees of her former adversaries other than pure evil intent is this a tragic character or a completely common low brow boring bass level I'm an evil person villain you won't find a satisfying answer in the movie don't bother looking I did it for you R say so this is the part where Captain Marvel admits that she has a nickname concerning her being the destroyer of [ __ ] worlds or some [ __ ] because she's responsible for multiple genocides but who cares she's the good guy and she scrunched her forehead eliciting empathy or at least I'm assuming that's how the AI told the ever robotic Brie Larson what emoting was and this was her first attempt at it ever pseudo storm was off to another planet and this is where the [ __ ] musical number comes in I all right look so everyone here on this planet communicates by singing unless they don't and this is on par with the dance scene in Spider-Man 3 level cringe I think Spider-Man 3's scene hurt worse because I'm such a spidey fan and I remember I was hoping for an amazing third film but this one means more this is the state wherein regarding the MCU which is bigger than just one superhero so it has bigger ramifications here's a short clip try not to bash your head off anything but nonetheless we ring the bells to usher in oh hey hey are you insane I think I could have done that better I thought it was good and now pseudo storm wants Earth's son to restore hers and in the words of Robocop we can't have that so the Marvels as they call themselves head on out to stop her at the behest of Nick Fury and sword and also just the general desire to not want everything on Earth to die while traveling they use a plot device that Rivals the memory store in Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness in the magnitude of how contrived it can get where they put headsets on to fill each other in as well as the audience on some quick boilerplate Back stories for each character to pretend like these are fully formed characters we should be emotionally invested in there's a quick Montage of them practicing using their powers in unison and after that short session of practice they perfected it for the rest of the film [ __ ] that couldn't have been easier at your convenience movie they face off against not halleberry and apparently Captain Marvel has the power to [ __ ] regenerate a son what yet she struggles battling pseudo storm with the help of two other superpowered beings that is of course until she doesn't struggle against her at your convenience movie also there there's this unbelievably cringy point in the story where Nick Fury's base is going down and to save the crew the cat from the first movie named Goose has a bunch of kittens but of course these things aren't really kittens and they eat all the people so they can actually fit in and transport everyone onto the last Escape pod yes that's a real description of a real thing that happens in the movie The First Captain Marvel movie was heavily criticized for the cat thing involving Nick Fury so let's not just double down on it they said let's go supernova pseudo storm gets the other bangle from kamalak con after playing posum with Captain Marvel and she can't handle the power so she explodes but not before ripping a hole through SpaceTime again this time in the Multiverse even though fake halib Berry couldn't handle the bangal Miss Marvel totally can and uses it to hit Rambo with it so she can close the portal from the other side of course she says something like I always knew I'd have to do it this way even though this literally just happened it's just a piss poor line of dialogue to make sure the audience knew what was made obvious a moment prior when Monica said it had to be closed from the other side yet for some reason the characters are surprised when she does this and Monica says it out loud for the audience just in case you didn't pick it up the first time she said it out loud the mcu's writing has devolved to a point where they overplay and overemphasize what should be emotionally impactful moments for characters with dialogue instead beating us over the head with what's right in front of us yet they'll keep things vague and undefined in other areas like Powers timelines and basic character limitations absolutely amazing so after this Captain Marvel flies into H's son and restores it yes she [ __ ] restores it like no problem boss this character is so overpowered and boring it's almost impressive in its futility Miss Marvel meets Kate bishop and asks her to join her Young Avengers Squad and I wasn't ready for what was next Monica winds up on the exam table of Beast from X-Men in full comic book style CG ey design that [ __ ] back there is not real what struck me about this was how I scoffed instead of feeling excited the way it plays out it absolutely smacks of desperation which is hard to ignore when it's finally being plastered all over mainstream media something I'll get to shortly here but this rre of desperation it rre of a studio changing the ending of a movie in the final hour in order to drum up excitement a studio finally giving the audience exactly what it should have been all along a studio finding out it's not Invincible that people don't just show up for the logo that people demand quality of their movies that they're paying to see something I would have been excited about 3 years ago made me Snicker instead and mock the studio for trying I'm just one person but judging by the box office figures there are a lot of people who share my opinion the Marvels is a film that barely registers as anything but pure consumer product meant to be shat out at a moment's notice it has no clear or consistent tone and you'll get Whiplash from it bouncing back and forth this isn't even shocking it was foreshadowed in its marketing originally meant to be a girl boss female empowerment movie it was advertised as such and was a major part of the mcu's female propaganda piece I mean female empowerment half hour special honoring the women of the MCU but it looks like at some point in late 2022 or early 23 the studio heads finally figured out that they were in serious trouble oh you know what it was when Ant-Man Quantum Mania was destroyed by critics and it lost money in theaters that was the eyeopener that whatever they were doing wasn't working even though it was obvious to all of us but you know so they shifted the release date and reshot again the girl boss female empowerment angle wasn't really present and the final product definitely was a film meant for everyone the only problem is it's a shitty film that's meant for everyone remember how tonally inconsistent 2016's Suicide Squad was or the theatric version of Justice League that's what this movie's like those films were also meant to be something else from their Inception and were changed via Studio mandate at the last second with Suicide Squad going from a dark and creepy action thriller to a wannabe villain version of the Guardians of the Galaxy all with the same original footage just done in the editing room leaving a film that looks and sounds incoherent compare the first trailer of the Marvels to the last one the last one pathetically used at least 20 seconds of Tony Stark and Steve Rogers to elicit some comparison between the Marvel's team up and the Avengers LOL The Avengers had a consistent tone because it was made by a filmmaker with a Clear Vision it utilized characters with a unique and distinct sets of powers that had limitations and boundaries and even though each character was larger than life and brought their own tone and personalities the film had a consistent feel look and sound the Marvel's is nothing like that the character's powers are too IL defined and Bland to stand out from one another two out of three of them wear similar costumes and their powers are poorly defined and often feel virtually unlimited if they're going for an Avengers tone they missed it by a [ __ ] country mile baby the editing leaves the pacing in chambles 2 I have never watched the movie so short that felt so long weird because the movie moved rapidly it clearly could not wait to get itself over with if this movie was a living thing it would kamakazi but it's so boring and uninteresting you have to drag yourself to the finish line and the editing contributes to the movie feeling so episodic instead of a feature film it feels unimportant with no satisfying conclusion and also no tantalizing Cliffhanger despite the Studio's last second tag on in X-Men promises and everyone seems so [ __ ] bored and who can blame them for probably watching the 40th take of the fifth re-shoot of a scene wherever you are in the movie can you imagine the level of I don't give a [ __ ] they're probably feeling at that moment yeah I know most of them especially Bri are getting paid a lot of money but I still almost understand and when the actors on screen don't give a [ __ ] why should the audience question to ponder Kevin Brie Larson gives a little bit more personality to Captain Marvel in some moments and in others she's worse than ever before her acting in a few scenes where she's supposed to be emoting is probably the worst work of her career there's one scene in particular at the end of the second act that's genuinely terrible Captain Marvel is a character the studio has apparently given up on and so has Brie Larsson Carol Danvers is played as a blank stair that occasionally smirks and is kind of like how Patrick baitman describes himself I have all the characteristics of a human being Flesh Blood skin hair but not a single clear identifiable emotion yes he has Flesh Blood bone he comes off as a human like you but he's simply not there and neither is Brie Larsson taona Paris is whatever as Monica Rambo her one facial expression is apparently a Perpetual state of surprise mixed with some worry and I question what she can really do with this character there's no depth here Rambo is pissed at Captain Marvel for abandoning her as a child I guess and I know this because it's the one thing the script uses in an attempt to make her an actual character and not just diversity superhero like honestly what else am I supposed to say here what is the depths of one Monica Rambo is this a character that will have books written about her psychology or is this just a [ __ ] poorly written character handed to an actor who's basically been given nothing to work with in fact most of these characters including the villain are undercooked and over served Captain Marvel has been in multiple films yet she's completely underdeveloped as a character especially with the first film's character Arc for her being that she realized she was superpowered and perfect all along despite all those dang men in her way it's a low effort smoke and mirror's job to create empathy a lazy writing technique and once they took that element away from her character in this new film she's gotten even more boring Iman volani does her best as Miss Marvel to bring some fun to the movie she's trying her best and I thought she was annoying in the trailers but quite frankly she's probably the best part of the film Samu all Jackson is great as always as Nick Fury but again with the complete inconsistencies this Nick Fury is funny smooth and seems to be in control that is not the Nick Fury we last saw in secret Invasion just a few months ago so when does this movie take place because this is a completely different character than the furyan secret Invasion also it's a Marvel movie so it goes goes without saying it looks like [ __ ] most of the time the VFX are awful and it's no fault of the artists considering the time constraints we know Marvel Studios put them under I wonder how quickly they had to do that X-Men mid credit scene honestly from an artist standpoint I feel awful for the crew of people having to put out shoty work because of a studio demand instead of something they're proud of they're not alone though there are a lot of artists who worked on this movie whose work has been absolutely butchered I'm sure because that's what the movie looks and sounds like a hacked up mess the exact result you'd expect to get from an off delayed off reshot of rethought production that the studio didn't even want to release something that would probably be too embarrassing for the company in the longterm to shelf better to drop it and face the criticism and take the financial hit WB got immense blowback for shelving the Batwoman movie imagine Disney trying to live down shelving the sequel to a billion original typically with this kind of review you'd hear cries of misogyny and yada yada but look at the numbers Disney is smart enough not to pull a WNBA and blame men for not showing up to the Marvels no one is showing up to the Marvels Marvel Studios in Hollywood as a whole can't deny the audience apathy with a victimhood shield anymore fans paying attention were aware of what was happening years ago congratulations mainstream world you caught up with the rest of us GG's

Channel: The Movie Cynic

Views: 757,916

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Id: T0J4CbzMjr4

Length: 18min 23sec (1103 seconds)

Published: Mon Nov 13 2023