The Magic Voyage - Nostalgia Critic

okay all right let me start over hello I'm the Nostalgia Critic I remember them all right this movie is not only bad it is annoying ungodly annoying just we think it needs to take a break from big annoys my kitchen tomorrow 9:00 okay get the title of away the magic voice wait till you hear this this is a children story about Christopher Columbus as told by German filmmakers yeah that's right German filmmakers that's the equivalent of American filmmakers making in children's film about Russian history look how [ __ ] well that turned out [ __ ] we came and get our own history right so what makes you think that Germans have a shot but this goes beyond just magical powers a talking bad or a talking tree no no this story goes right off the deep end of the flat friggin earth what makes this film especially horrendous oh you'll see in a moment let's dive right into the magic void so is the credits roll we see that the film is too cheap to get opening animation so they just throw their storyboards at us we see the narrator starts to talk about the story we're about to see and yeah tell me if the voice sounds familiar a long time ago people thought the world was flat and if you sailed unchartered waters you just might fall over the edge into space that's right it's our very own Mickey Rooney one of the biggest star in the world studied Elizabeth Taylor the other former biggest star in the world a trainer of Care Bears yeah to play Hawaii would be sometime actually it is eerie how exactly the same his performances from both these kids movies II listen but in 1492 there appeared an Italian navigator a man with a revolutionary idea he thought the world was square and his name was the Care Bears bill that smile as long as I don't to see him I'm okay here we go we then see our main hero of the movie yeah I bet you thought it was gonna be Christopher Columbus didn't you he does only take up two thirds of the [ __ ] poster but no it's a little wood worm named Pico played by not former biggest star in the world Corey Feldman I used to be a bookworm i sat up on the show I read a Matt exam okay I'll say yes the singer can sing the song writer can't write and this has nothing to do a Christopher collapse yeah but he does eventually come across Christopher Columbus voiced by Oh dum-dum why did you have to make so many bad movies do you think I like continually making fun of you you seem like a nice guy I liked you you were really cool but yeah it's the story of America told by Germans you should know better dumb you should know better but on the bright side he is Italian so he can probably do an authentic Italian accent my map is show stinker or maybe he'll be as authentic as Mario hey at least they're aiming for the popular stereotypes hey I think I like to show you something I think you're gonna like a lot dude it's me Christopher Columbus its 1492 and the world she's still a flat head maybe it's not so important that's important are you kidding she's uh she's around course a drowned blockhead what do you think uh no disrespect to insects but how the [ __ ] does a woman worm know the world is round I mean seriously where do they come from or what worms just the smartest creatures on the planet I'm at the thinking to wear B flat but well it's not it's round where I'm at the thinking that Christianity is the true religion no it isn't it's Rastafarian but more yes we're I'm a good thinkin that we're totally alone in space no we're not there's the Bardo nians once the blood Oni and government gets enough money to fund their space program they'll come to earth and enslave us all who all where I'm at the peak in this movie's gonna be a big hit that have a drink so have you noticed the main problem with this movie I mean outside of the horrible characters voice-acting story and animation it's a little hard to get through and edited clips but let's see if you can figure it out in this clip excuse me do you mind I suppose you wondering what I got here you know I couldn't really care less no how about this one my brand-new tea which will make you great to beyond your wildest dreams that sell oh yeah and what makes you think I'm not already great beyond my wildest dreams no no you still not getting it let's try one more AHA are you going away Chinese just got here yes I believe it never shuts up there is always talking always love music only sonic not dating your ears the whole movie is like this there is never a silent moment where the film can just breathe or take a break it is nothing but noise if there's one thing I can't stand it's all that guy live nice nice it's like it's afraid if it stops being loud and bouncy it's going to lose the children's attention and that's not a good thing children need slow moments they need pauses it teaches them patience and the appreciation of atmosphere this this is just winging your keys in front of their dumb little faces for an hour and a half shut up shut up shut up Thank You Arnold so let's try to continue this review despite all that nice nice job shut up thank you he goes to the king and queen to tell them his idea I'm sorry the word worms idea and they seem to be unborn mostly because the Queen has the hots for Columbus interesting interpretation but no one dear just another genius I don't believe you he's much too handsome and apparently he's a mind reader too because he knew exactly what she was gonna say there what disgusting display but don't let it get to you sire by the way you see this guy in the bag here who looks like a mix between fake and then too far the shady fella always telling the King not to trust Columbus yeah he never shows up again not once in the rest of the movie he was all hope you see total list of the animation Oh these are pretty cool so Pico goes into one of the other rooms and finds a Firefly named Marilyn princess of the Moon sprites again we never see the king or queen so we'll just assume she's a responsibility tucking or I was in the land of blue blue Twilight where the nectar is always sweet happy and free and then from a land far away and in sit down when there is a lord some that last princess the secret of your magic light will be mine yeah remember this from the history books magic light insect armies Lord swarm me this is the history of how the Smurfs discovered America but can we hear that damn story about Christopher Columbus it's this one it comes back I'm not scared of nobody yes come on so people tries to get her out of the chandelier which seems like a pretty lame prison as she could fly at any point what's a mother bug see her and tried to stop her from escaping Wow laziest fight she'd ever they're just holding her and he starts laughing call James Cameron we have a contender for best action scene it's this form Lord where you will be by Tristan merrily I keep so the swarm war takes her back to his land fits the question why did he bring her there to begin with and pìkô vows to find her I'll find you all the way across the ocean and you'll never guess where the swarm Lords land happens to be that's right America what are the odds so what Columbus happens to be getting ready to go to America Pico is asleep yeah I'll find you Marilyn all the way across the ocean right after a teeny-weeny little power nap don't want to be groggy lumbus wait don't leave me so what's the ship sets sail Columbus suddenly realizes he forgot something how could I forget about Pico go sure my little woodworker friend before he's the one who told me the world was around Oh ping Comanche is to get a ride on a bird and ends up planning a board I taught that maybe you got left behind well I met this beautiful girl sir I really like her a lot she was taken away when the evil swarm woods is kingdom of the West but do we go to the west to get to the east so we could look for your love under the one I love how so accepting he is that there's just a swarm war that kidnaps a princess and they're gonna go find him now but hey if I was talking to a wood worm with a voice of Donatello from the teenage mutant [ __ ] Ninja Turtles I guess I believed anything - man what's he doing he's talking to his little worm get out everybody no no he's kissing's a little world uh the stuff they're getting away with on kids shows these days so while the crew thinks he's crazy I can't imagine why Columbus has a relatively pointless dream about finding the New World oh wait a minute what the hell did he just pull a spyglass out of his gonads he just pulled that spyglass out of his lots part of that how did that ever get past German censorship don't they have any shame on you Aang it's only for a second but it's just so troubling Lee confusing I mean what the hell do you call that the Wunder boner my wife would like that hey forget I mention it so so this movie couldn't possibly be any more batshit crazy we get this insane dream sequence it's sort of like watching pink elephants from Dumbo while someone was oh I don't know pulling a spyglass out of your dick what'll I do why don't I do what an unusual view ah yes the dream so yeah after that incredibly important scene we cut to the next night where seems like the crew still thinks Colombians is crazy simply because he talks to a woodworm and says a Firefly princess needs rescuing and they tried to do him in but he sits a song on an accordion and that seems to make everything okay for life this season like falafel and Oh me well I guess this is a clear sign that their captain isn't totally insane me I think he's about as valid as captain [ __ ] kangaroo but hey difference drugs different folks so because we see how much depth and texture the last dream sequence gave think if once a picot as well and is it me or is most of the dubbing in this movie very similar to a Popeye cartoon watch Marilyn thank me this is great opening above the earth with the girl of my dreams yeah just gonna be picking me some full is gonna mean the ball is moving little Zealand I know that pretty lady let's come together come together okay I really like Jamie because I can fly oh my hand you know it's not even really dialogue anymore it's just naming things that they see I love space Oh trees Oh box office on Emil I'm learning so much about my character from this on to once again the crew gets fed up with waiting for dry land and they try to hear some more kid-friendly imagery folks we got characters being hanged and penis friendly spy glasses you know for kids wouldn't you know what they just happened to hit dry land while Columbus was hey so it seems they finally reached America and what the hell Magic Island Joe cars we all remember the giant Aztec temple in America that was run by the swarm Lord of kidnapped the princess of blue Twilight so he can figure out the power of her magic light it's just common knowledge show me [ __ ] shoot me so they meet up with a talking beaver okay who shows them the way to the temple Columbus wants to go there so he can bring back gold and diamonds to his Queen but I don't know if that temple has any gold or diamond no no the diamonds are here so it turns out Maryland is in the temple on top of a large honeycomb ah this we've never seen any bees in this warm and they try to defeat the bad guy in rescuer and now mr. puppet will you get the gold I can't even touch that scene you have a hand puppet caught fire what would you say hey come on why didn't you go with him at first he said come on and she just saw a stood there was she do busy giggling time is of the essence [ __ ] come on ready this place is gonna blow so the beaver eats through the honeycomb that almost sounds like an innuendo but I'm not clever enough and the whole temple somehow comes crackling down because of that so Pecola Marilyn get back together and we see the natives of this land oh oh Fez oughta be rich you stolen our Lyle destroyed our sacred to us but I've made squishy with the swarm how can we ever thank you that's right the Native Americans were honoring the swarm Lord all this time and made a giant Aztec temple to honor him what did you think they lived in teepees or something you're a [ __ ] dumbass that map I made squishy with a swarm how can we ever thank you the lab hand it over we not only discovered the new world but you were right the world she's around just think Pico because of you and me one day there's gonna be a big bigger city right here and there's gonna be a lot of people told buildings maybe they're gonna name something after us who knows Columbus Circle sounds good to me oh and don't forget about the dis muttering lots and lots of other dismantling the tour to look up for the chi rating in the next one fall kids are gonna be a bloodbath so that was awful what else can you really say about the dumping sounds like it was done in one go the history is beyond insulting the characters are horseshit even the animation is inconsistent sometimes it almost looks like something from Disney but then other times it looks like a half a Saturday morning cartoon and of course it never [ __ ] shuts up all I gotta say germy is that if this is what you think American history was like Bugs Bunny was more authentic than yo and what's up for Daksha indeed Germany what the [ __ ] is up I'm the Nostalgia Critic and Lala Lala Lala Lala oh the life as I see is the life for me no dumb as a lender be we love it this planet delighted divided what other life already ba yah yah yah yah yah yah yah yah

Channel: Channel Awesome

Views: 756,007

Keywords: channel awesome, nostalgia critic, doug walker, movie, movies, film, The Magic Voyage, movie review, tgwtg, cartoon, animation, the magic voyage review, the magic voyage movie, movie reviews, review, nostalgic movies, 90s movies, nostalgia critic the magic voyage, the magic voyage nostalgia critic, the magic voyage 1992, animated movies, nostalgic, nostalgia, reaction, movie reaction, funny movie reviews, funny movie reaction, funny reaction videos, magic voyage review

Id: 4kpk9pVrI_A

Length: 18min 56sec (1136 seconds)

Published: Sat May 09 2015