[MUSIC PLAYING] Yeah. Hey y'all it's me, Reverend Paid. You know, Kwanzaa is just around the corner, and guess what? I'm about to drop my new CD. It's called, "Hey man it's me Jesus." Let me kick you down a little something from a single. (SINGING) Hey man, it's me me Jesus. Hey man, it's me Jesus. Hey man, it's me Jesus. Open up, let me in. [MUSIC PLAYING] Ooh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Oh The Hustle. It's a hustle. I know everything's gonna be all right. It's a hustle. Working. From the sunrise to the late night. Late night, yeah. Ooh, I gotta make it. Ooh, the hustle. It's a hustle. I know everything's be all right. Ooh, it's a hustle. Working from the sunrise to the late night. Late night, yeah. Ooh, I gotta make it out the hood. I gotta find a way out. Some say that I'm misunderstood, but I've got it good nice and hot. I want to live my life right on that cloud nine. I've made up my mind. See it's my time to take, mine is mine. I want it all, so I just to hustle. [DOORBELL] Seem like there ain't nobody here but the roaches. Roach stoppers. Good morning guys. You're here for the trash? Trash? Man you better show her your wings. We from Roach Stoppers. Here to stomp out some roaches and some ants. WOMAN: The ants? That was a one time problem. I will call right now. I'll cancel the monthly service-- Wait, one second. We drove a long distance to get out here, OK? You better let her know something. All right? And we gonna kill some bugs, OK? Tell her. Tell her. - Roaches, ants. - Tell her. OK. Wasps, horseflies, crabs, hate worms. - Shh! - We got-- Hurry up! FREDDY: This stuff work. Hurry up get in. Go on and get it. FREDDY: We can barely move. We got it. JUNIOR: Yeah, go on and get it. [MUSIC PLAYING] RICH WOMAN: OK. Upstairs to your right you got all the bedrooms. To your left, the formal dining room. Come here. Come, come, come, come. And here, my living room. Nice place. Mm-hmm. You got a boyfriend? Just playing. - Excuse me? - Do you? No, I'm just-- I'm just playing. Listen lady, you are in denial. See all homes got bugs. Yeah, it's always something different. Like right now, we're looking for the G roach. G roach? What's that? It's a roach that's a real G, like Tupac and 50. Now, you can shoot them and spray nine times skt skt skt skt skt and it just won't die. He could eat through anything. You can smell it too? Lady, it's not a game. We're professionals. Junior stay in here. I'm going to check upstairs. I got you, man. Uh, sir, straight ahead, to your left, upstairs. You got 20 minutes. FREDDY: OK. And that goes for you too. 20 minutes, 20 minutes. In 20 minutes. - OK? - 20 minutes is all I need. That's more than enough time. You gotta wipe off that grin. I know all about roaches see. [MUSIC PLAYING] Damn! Oh, yeah. Mother of pearl. I'm gonna rock my world. REVEREND PAID (ON TV): Stop! Dead in your-- - I wasn't cleaning it. REVEREND PAID (ON TV): track! I'm talking to you, you. Have you been hanging out with Britney? Have you got pitbulls fighting your backyard? Is your woman a woman gone buck wild? If so, you need to get saved in of your life. The Lord is the answer. FREDDY: No my brother. This is the answer. Jesus. REVEREND PAID (ON TV): Join me, Reverend Paid, every Sunday at my house of worship. Five service starts at 6 AM. [CASH REGISTER] JUNIOR: That's roach doody. No, it's not. That's roach doody. I'm telling you, that is dust. OK? Yeah, that's it. - Freddy? FREDDY: What, Junior? Come on down here man. I done found the motherload, man. Whole, big old pile of roach doody. FREDDY: You can fix it. That's roach doody. No, it's not. Ma'am this is probably where they converge after a large meal. Look how much it is. That's roach doody. No, it's not. You don't believe me, huh? No, I don't. What's that? I don't know it's dust. Smell it. You smell it. How dare you. [SHOUTING IN FRENCH] Yeah, yeah yeah, yeah. Fancy food, fancy wine, fancy talk. Doo doo on the floor. [GROWLING] You fancy this. Hey! You got that? Now, you clean up and you get out! Hey, Freddy, get your ass down here. Get your ass down right now. Dammit Junior. [SCREAMING] Goddamn! Freddy, get your down here. Freddy! Mother load. Freddy, get your ass down here! Man, we got to go. A mouse almost bit my damn face off. We got to go. Look behind the couch. That's where all the roaches from Harlem done went on vacation. They behind this couch right now. Damn! Man, it's like a roach racetrack. Yeah, what's up now bitch, huh? What's up? Huh? Look at me while I'm do-- This is Junior doing this to you. Junior? Don't look down. No, no, no, no. I'm going to get it. I'm going to get it. I got it. I got it. I got it. Come on, calm down. Get out! Come on, Junior. We got to go. Let's go. Oh, whoa, whoa, what'd you do? What, what do you mean what did I do? - What'd you do? - I didn't nothing. What you talking about? What, I ain't do nothing. - You done stole something, huh? - What you mean? I ain't steal nothing. What you talking about? I ain't steal nothing. - You stole something? I ain't steal nothing. What you-- You know how I know you stole something? How you know? Because I'm a kleptomaniac just like you. And just like you, I was at the meeting last night seeing you raise your hand up. Yes, I'm Freddy the kleptomaniac, and I'm ashamed of what I do. Are you done Martin Luther King? Are you done now? Are you-- You got a problem with yourself. I'm not going back to jail because you in denial, OK? I'm flabbergasted to make that accusation. That's what I am. I'm hurt. I'm really hurt by it. Stop being in denial. My name is Freddy I'm a kleptomaniac-- Stop projecting on me. Fight your own demons. [INTERPOSING VOICES] Rich white woman with the big ass titties, tonight. You know what your problem is? I'm not going back to jail. JUNIOR: Your problem is management. You need counseling that's what you need. My goddamn job ain't worth a shit. FREDDY: Steal my thing. So what you get in today? Was it a Rolex? FREDDY: Actually it was a pearl necklace. Girl left me. JUNIOR: Real pearls? You [INAUDIBLE]. When they catch the bite, $6,000. Thousands of dollars. [MUSIC PLAYING] Shake it off, you move. Don't let it stop you. If you want it, get it. Don't believe it's from yourself. Man, I hate this! Roach Stompers is ruining my life. Look at this, man. We look ridiculous. This is embarrassing. You've got an antenna on your head, I got an antenna on my head. We're 30 years old. Well, actually, I'm 30. You're a little bit older than 30. I can see because you got little lines on your eyes. You see how they did Raoul when he retired? What did they give him? A fake gold roach watch. What the hell is he gonna do with a fake gold roach watch? OK. First of all, you need to stop tripping about the Roach Stompers thing. That's our job. It's an honest living. Because of Roach Stompers, we gonna eat. And as far as the fake gold roach watch is concerned, that watch was fly. Are you serious? That's right here. RADIO: Roach Stomp number one! No, no. Don't answer. RADIO: This is Ali Baba calling Roach Stomp number one. Just remember this. Roaches live off men. But we live off roaches. You're right. I was tripping. I was tripping. Cause I was about to quit just now. But you know what? You just reeled me back in. You're brilliant, man. You're deep. Get your ass out the truck. Right. RADIO: I know you hear me, Roach Stomp number one! Hey, dumb dumbs! Pick up radio! Man, you sure we ain't gonna get a ticket parked over here? Man, stop tripping. We'll be OK. Indeed we are blessed. Now, before we kick up off in John correctly today, I have a fee announcements. I would like to thank Brother James for the game. Oh, damn. That's it. [INAUDIBLE] Not when you get bodies up in here, man. I never noticed that before, man. Biggie Tall! Hey, Biggie? I hear, I hear, you fried chicken looking mothers. Hey, Keebler. What you doing out your tree? My main, Biggie Talls. Gimme five. You got the same lips as a German Shepherd. Well, give me 2 and 1/2, then. I ain't giving you shit, darkness. Well, you just gonna leave a hand out, biggie? We was gonna bring your ass a Happy Meal. Y'all finished, with the jokes, black and blacker? Where's my hooker at, you punks? - Oh, the hookers. Actually, all the hookers within the 500 mile radius-- they done heard about your breath and, uh, they ain't with it. How about if I bust a cap in your ass, punk? Would you like that? Huh? Before you even get to your gun, I'll go bowling with your ass. - Now, now, calm down! - Let him go! Come on, man! Come on! Come on! Come on, man! You ain't felt no pressure like this. Not since they shot your ass out of cannons. - Bring it. - Calm down. Calm down. Junior, go ahead, man. Go to the car. - Get on your knees. I'll whoop you so bad, like you stole something. I could kick your ass across the street. Do it! Come on! Sorry about that, man. He suffers from dark syndrome. You know black people always mad. I don't like the boy there, you know? He's like an evil Eddie Murphy. What's wrong with him? Check it out, though. We just trying to make this money so we can live the American dream. There's a guy who gets the American dream. The devil ain't gonna call you and make a reservation! The devil ain't gonna send you no email! Send you a text! The devil ain't gonna knock on your front door! Tax free dollars going straight in his pocket. Man, come on. Walking to your house! Walking to your house! Everybody pays taxes. Even that fool. The devil slides in. Man, how you be from the hood and not know that churches don't pay taxes? Oh, lord. Ooh-- You guys are more stupid than you look. Aw, damn, man. We're getting a ticket on the roach truck. I told you not to park there, man. Cut, cut, cut. Cut the camera. They can't see all this. - OK. Today you gonna have to dig deep, Yoda. Yeah, man. Come on with it. [SHOUTING] Oh, wow. Yeah. You like that? Come on. Where did you get this from, some rich white woman? Don't even worry about what I got that from. Give me $300 for it. Now that your friend is gone, are you bisexual? PRIEST: Well, fuck all that. Cut the goddamn camera off. Ey, all that-- that ain't even necessary. If you can read, the sign says no parking Monday through Friday, 8-6, 9-12, 2-4, midnight to four, Saturdays excluded. All right. Go on, put it on, then. I'm just gonna tear it up. You're going to what? Tear it up. That's right. Well, tear it up, then, with your bad ass. Like I said, I'm gonna tear it in itty bitty, tiny pieces. Oh, snap. I know you didn't throw that in my face. This ain't no play thing for me. What's your number, mama? Hey. What's going on here? What's your problem, sandwich man? This is my block. And we don't want your kind of trouble around here. So why don't you just take it to the hood, homie? What? I said, why don't you bite my bun? Mm. [SHOUTING] Hey. You don't want no beef with me, OK? I promise you, I get more chicks dressed like a burglar than you do as a roach. [WHISTLE] Hey, you gonna poke me with your antenna? Don't do it, Junior. You a fancy burger, bitch! You want some more of this? You want a piece of this? That's right. Bring it! I want to go now! Disrespect a lady like that! Mayday, mayday, I need some backup. There's a hamburger and a bun, they're having a fight! Hey! Get outta here! Get outta here! Get off the street! Do it one more time, I'm gonna solve all your problems! Get up! Get-- [SIREN] - Get up! - Mayday! Mayday! Get outta here! Got robbed again. Probably getting his little ass whipped right now by a hooker that threw his rags in her purse. Hey! Already canceled my service! Wax on, wax off. What's up? No, no, no, no, no. No bug spray today. - Yes, yes. It's right here. - No. We just got called to come out here. Gonna take us 10 minutes. Be outta here in 10 minutes. I quit service! 10 minutes is all it's gonna take. I'll see you in a little bit, OK? Please, don't spray food! Last time you here, you broke my bottle-- Hey, nobody broke no bottles, man. We professionals, OK? I hate Roach Stompers! Bad business! No more bug spray. Please, please, you ruin my business. Leave my store. Now. [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] [CRASHING] [SHOUTING] Roach-- Roach Stomper! Stop! Roach Stomper, stop! Everything all right? I got some family in the Wu Tang Clan. Wu Tang! Wu Tang! Wu Tang Clan ain't nothing to fuck with. I'll be out in the car. Junior? Y'all like the four tops. I'mma call y'all the four chops. Y'all just need another member, OK? Don't even worry about it. Look here, go ahead and sign this right here. Number one, number two, and number three. Just go ahead. You not gonna sign it? We gonna send the bill out to your house. Don't even worry about that. I'm just gonna go on, head up out of here, OK? Roach Stomper. Give him the money. [SHOUTING] [SCREAMING] [SCREAMING] SINGER: They're moving in on me, but I don't care, cause I'm planning to get out of here. [SHOUTING] [SHOUTING] [SHOUTING] It's about to jump off right now. Would you like to buy some brownies, mister? Do I smell like I got any money? Ew. We're never gonna get enough money to go camping. [CAR HORN] [SHOUTING] [SCREAMING] SINGER: I gotta get away. [FIREWORKS] SINGER: I'm moving full speed. Trouble ain't gonna catch me. I gotta get away, get away, yeah. They're chasing me, but they ain't gonna get me. I gotta get away, get away, yeah. [SHOUTING] [CHEERING] [SHOUTING] Junior, stop the van! Yo, Junior, stop the van, man! Come on! It was an accident, man! I'm your best friend, Junior. Junior, stop the van. They gonna kill me, Junior. There's best friends all over the place. I've been your best friend since kindergarten. Junior, it wasn't my fault. Junior-- It's always your fault. Junior, they gonna kill me. They gonna kill you. Not me. Junior, stop the van. They gonna kill me, Junior. All I gotta worry about is, you know, renting a tuxedo on the way to the funeral. Junior, stop playing. Junior! Got you a nice little workout, huh? Get your ass in the truck, bitch. Where the money at? I lost it, Junior. Now go! You lost the money? It wasn't my fault, Junior. You lost the money, which means now we in all this trouble-- If I would have kept it, though-- if I didn't lose it, you'd have been all on my jock, Junior. Whenever I hang out with you, I end up in trouble. Can't catch me! I'm the gingerbread man! MAN: You're an asshole! It's healing time. Brother, what's [INAUDIBLE]? Man infected with devil's sadness, evil racing in his head. Heal! Yes, Lord. - Die! - Thank you. Mhm. - Hey, Mama. Don't hey, mama me, boy. Where you been? Working. And where is your shoe? They just put a new sole on. Freddy, I hope you ain't still selling them fake Jordans. Mama, ain't nobody selling fake Jordans. We good. How you been? Naw. Don't you get too comfortable, now. I need you to go on back there and check on Zoe. She been waiting on you all day, all right? OK. You got your hair done, huh? Get on out of here now, Freddy. I like the roll. It's nice. Freddy, if you don't your ass out of here-- - Anybody call me today? - No, ain't nobody call you. If you don't go, I'm coming to help you get there. - All right. - Now-- That's one crazy rascal. - Yes, he is. - How you doing, Mama? I'm doing good. How you doing, Junior? Staying out of trouble? - You know it. All right, now. You keep up with the good work, OK? Cute little smile of yours. Go on over there and sit down. Out, devil! Go on, get up out of here. Boy, if you don't get your foot off my table-- NEWSCASTER: We interrupt this broadcast to bring you a special report. Listen, bitch, just get my money. I said-- we're on? Um, we interrupt the reverend's paid gospel hour with a breaking story. Money rained over downtown streets today as lucky passers by snatched thousands in cash. Oh, Lord, I sure wish I'd been downtown today. Sweetheart, why your lips so ashy? You all right? Well, you know, Mama, I ain't been really drinking a lot of water lately. You know, you should never let your lips get that ashy, honey. You can get sick like that. I'll get you some Vaseline for your lips, all right? OK, Mama. All right, I'm gonna get it for you. I'll be back. Got your nerve. Talk about my lips. How about your two pound breakfast? MAMA: Junior, if you don't get your foot off my damn table-- $5,000 in prayer. Daddy, you get my piano yet? How am I supposed to be Alicia Keys if I can't practice? You have a keyboard. Look at it. Did you ever see Stevie Wonder complain about his keyboard? - He's blind! - OK. I'm working on it. I'm gonna make it happen, OK? All right, now you get some sleep. It's late, and you've got school tomorrow, OK? Daddy, are you "bio-sexual?" Am I what? Are you "bio-sexual?" Do I look bisexual? A little. Who told you I was bisexual? Miss Clara did. - Miss Clara said I'm bisexual? - Mhm. I pay all that money to get them to teach you something, and she told you I'm bisexual? Yeah. I'm gonna kill her. Am I? You don't even know what bisexual is. Then who is? I'll tell you who's bisexual. Your uncle Junior is bisexual. PRIEST: You need to get paid in prayer. I knew there was something fishy about him. There's a little bisexual boy waiting to just bust out of him. Just-- ah! OK? But it's a secret between me and you, OK? - OK. - Off the books. Pinky promise. - Pinky promise. OK. Give me some brown sugar. OK. Night, Miles. That's not Miles. This is Miles. This is Mist. Miles. Mist. - All right. You guys get some sleep. Nighty night. Goodnight, Daddy. Goodnight, baby. You listen to me, nigga. I brought you in this world, and I will take you out. Do you hear me, Freddy? - Mama-- You gotta do better than what you doing, Friday. Mama, I'm trying-- Listen, I taught you better than that. I'm trying. I can't breathe. You lost at bingo again. - Boy, shut up. Why you so angry? Shut up and listen to me. You got a little girl in there that loves you very much, Freddy. And yes, she's my granddaughter. And I don't mind taking care of her, but Zoe is your responsibility, Freddy. Not mine. Mama, I'm trying-- You're a smart man, Freddy. I know that because I raised you that way. Do you hear me? And now it's time for you to make a life for you and Zoe. Because I'm not going to be around here forever, Freddy. How come you're talking like that, Mama? Stop it. Listen. I am serious, Freddy. - OK. - Do you hear what I'm saying? - OK. I'm serious. Mama, your breath-- Boy, I'ma beat your behind. OK. OK. OK. I'm getting old, baby. Now listen-- what you need to do is put God first, and then get your life together. Do you hear me? OK. Because I found some bikini drawers in your dresser, boy, with dookie stains all in 'em. Like you've been flossing your behind with 'em. You know what? You know men don't wear drawers like that, and I'm not gonna be washing no drawers of yours that's got doo doo stains in it. Because you've got it all in your ass. If you are into something, and I find out about it, Freddy, you know I will hurt you. I will hurt you, because we don't do that kind of stuff in this house. - OK, OK, OK. Because I know I raised you right. - OK. - All right? All right, Mama. Look [INAUDIBLE]. NEWSCASTER: Craziness continues downtown-- Freddy? And for these ladies, their cookie pushing days are through. What happened here? A black man with a roach outfit bought all our cookies. And can you tell me what happened here? Well, you see, it's like this. I think it was some kind of a bug man superhero. I've seen him, and I have [INAUDIBLE].. Where's my money? Sir, what is your name? Keyflow! OK, and you just caught a bunch of money out of the sky. Looked like somebody had a good day. OK, where did his money actually come from? A big ass roach just ran through here. And then the money came flying out of the roach? - Hey. - Naw. I was chilling, right? You think the cops know who we are? NEWSCASTER: And where do you think the roach got all this money? - I'm serious, man. I don't know. Maybe it was the pimp car. - OK, so the-- - Oh, man. This don't look good. - Somehow made it rain money. You don't think the pimp god's going to want all this money back? Oh, he-- Hey, he's just gonna get us. We got to move, we got payments, Junior! With your new found fortune, are you going to spend it? Are you going to keep it? Are you going to save it? I'm gonna fold it like this, and I'm gonna put it in my pocket. Blessing from the pimp god. Police remain tight lipped about today's alleged heist, but they are telling the public to be on the lookout for this man. FREDDY: Who the hell is that? It ain't you. NEWSCASTER: Call your local police department-- We ain't got nothing to worry about. Trust me. We have nothing to worry about. Naw, the uniforms-- they gotta go. Man, don't sell me out. Relax, man. You know you ain't got it like that. REVEREND: You need to get paid in prayer. [CHA-CHING] I'm talking to you, Mr. Man! Is the devil your agent? Is Satan your manager? Is Beelzebub your lawyer? I'm talking to you! Hello? Roach Stompers! The address is right here. This is the right place. Hello, mother-- Hey! You can't say that in a church, man. What's wrong with you? Ain't nobody coming out. Hello? [SHOUTING] Hello? Hello? [COUGHING] Man, what the hell's wrong with you? Oh! I'm sorry. I didn't hear ya. You must be the men they sent as replacements. Oh, praise-- Seems to be a mistake, pastor. We're Roach Stompers. Exterminators. We kill bugs. Yeah. I see. Oh, I-- I'm so sorry. Oh, yeah. Look at the little-- and the-- What you laughing at? All that. Looking cute these days. We got a huge bug problem here. We got roaches crawling all through the aisles, crawling up on the pulpit. Trying to sing with the choir. Even jumping into the baptismal like it was a swimming pool at Holiday Inn. Scratching, scratching-- how long will it take you to get of 'em? We'll be out in half an hour. 30 minutes tops. Tops. You get some cough syrup, OK? Thank you, son. I'm gonna start working over here. You sure you don't want that podium? That's where all the good ones are. You handle the podium. I got it over here. I got this on lock. All right. Never in my wildest dreams did I think I would find a church infested with roaches. Well, you know, they got the Holy Ghost. They got the holy roach. Hey, man, you see this robe, man? Look at this, man. That's nice. I wonder if those are real sequins. Try this thing on. Never had on real sequins before. There's roaches all over. We're gonna have to really get thorough over here, man. Go on and get thorough with it. Show me what you got. Get that roach. Show me what you got. And you gonna have to-- Look at this. Junior? Freddy. Take the man's robe off, man. Catch me with this on. Look at this, boy. I look good in this. Look. Joyful, joyful noise! Joyful-- Freddy. You gotta help me with this drum. Come on, help me with this drum, man. - It look good on me, man. - Move this out the way. Look at that. Sequin man! [GRUNTING] Again? Why your back always do that? Too much karaoke last night. OK, don't move. Stay there. I'm gonna get your hat first, OK? Get the roach-- get the roach pack off. I got you. Stop moving. All right. Don't move. I got you. All right. This how you was in jail? Gimme that soap, boy! Hey, look, man, this ain't time for no jokes. Come on. Put some pepper in your step. Getting old on me. I don't know what you talking about. My clothes don't even get old-- Who is that? Ah! Feel it. Feel it. What's going on up there? What are y'all doing in here? That looks like a healing to me. Those must be the replacement ministers. They are? Oh, my lord. [INTERPOSING VOICES] Yeah. - Look at all-- - Yes. Yes. Oh, wonderful. Come on. [SHOUTING] Oh, my heavens, brother. That's some something to behold. A real healing, right here in our church. Praise the Lord! It's a miracle! Yes! I'm Freddy, this is-- Oh, yes. We know. The replacement ministers. We're a small congregation, but we's full of the spirit. Oh, yes! The spirit! That's Thelma, I'm Louise, she's Evelyn, and that's Delores. Be careful of that one. Oh, she's just jealous, sugar. I'm harmless. Most of the time. Oh, please. This isn't a proper welcoming, pastor. We'll be back. Yes, we'll be back. I'm not the pastor. I'm-- I'm a Scorpio, with a Gemini rise-- Come on. I got a bad back. I got good hands. You see that? They was trippin'. What's wrong with them? I forgot-- What are you doing? - Oh, no, no, I was-- Get that robe off! Now! I was just cleaning it. I was cleaning it. - The devil got the power! - Told you, Freddy! Take it off! How dare you come into the house of the Lord and mock him? [COUGHING] Help! Easy, man. Easy? Oh, no. No, no, no. No. No, no, no. No, no, no. No, no, no. No! I'm on probation! Ah-- Freddy, do something! Give him mouth to mouth! OK. Do something, quick! Freddy, do something! What's going on here? What did you do to the pastor? Call 911! Oh, man, this is bad. You give him mouth to mouth? He looks like he's been eating Miracle Whip sandwiches. Like he got a mouth full of mayonnaise. You was in jail. You do it. Man, he done went to the Waffle House in the sky. We in trouble, Freddy! Give him mouth to mouth! [SLURPING] It ain't working! You done played yourself, Freddy. Don't you ever ask me for no more sip of my soda. [SIREN] On three. One, two, three. There we go. This guy's heavy as shit. Hey, what did you guys do to him, anyway? Nothing. Man, he started coughing, and-- and then it was just like-- Yeah, you know what? Are you even certified to do CPR? I just hope they didn't crack his sternum. - Yeah. - Crack his sternum? Yeah, his chest bone? Hey, we gotta roll, anyway. It's not like he's dead, right? Big Mac, you bring him back. I don't believe we've officially met. Brother Ephraim. I'm associate pastor here. Associate? Yeah. You know, when Pastor Hacker retires, I'm next in line. I'm the brother that's going to take over this church. So why did they call for replacement ministers? Well, you know, sometimes the church can be a complicated place. You brothers just get into town? - Yeah. It must have been a long trip from New York. New York? We ain't come from New York. I'm just messing with you. Look we'll, uh, figure all this out tomorrow, OK? Could I have a word with you? What's going on here? Come on, let's go. What happened? [MUSIC PLAYING] SINGER: Lays the rock. Y'all know what time it is. We about to take this shit back. Hey, baby. I've been thinking you should come over for the weekend. Cause I've been feeling for computer love. Did they say if he's going to be all right? Is he going to be all right? No, he's in some kind of a coma, or something. Coma? Oh, it's no wonder. All these troubles, and all this infighting. And the bills-- What really happened? What did you guys do to him? Nikki! These young men are ministers of God! Besides, the paramedics said he saved his life. Praise God. Ministers of God, huh? Hm. Can I have a word with you? You boys new around here? Uh, yeah. Just got to town today. Have I seen you guys before? You ain't never seen me nowhere. They're out replacement ministers. That's right. Well, I heard you two ministers saved Reverend Hacker's life. He's still got DNA in his mouth right now. Gave him mouth to mouth. - All right. Welcome to the neighborhood. Inspire us, pastor! We know you will. Trust Jesus! OK. Now, you clowning. Get on. Bye. I'll be talking to you later. Call me. You see her, man? You see that? Yo, I just got one question. Uh-- when your lips first pressed with another man's lips, how did it feel? Man, I don't want to talk about it! Where's the van at? The van was right here. Man, well how you lose the van? I ain't lose the van. The van was right here. Somebody must have stole it, man. It was right here. It's probably that ticket lady you got in trouble with. That's who it was. - The ticket lady liked me, man. There-- Hey, there's the van! Hey! [CAR HORN] [INAUDIBLE] lemon face, fat nose, and dum dum! Guess what? You're fired! Why? No more do you work for Roach Stompers. No more! Ali Baba, we worked hard for you for three years, man! You no work hard for Ali Baba! You sit on your ass, you make up story. You lie, you break things. You're idiots! Imbeciles! But they be lying about that, man. They lying. You don't even leave the office. How you know? Ali Baba [INAUDIBLE] see everything. Fuck you, Ali Baba! Fuck me? Ali Baba? Why don't you go eat your nice, big camel shit sandwich? - That's what he said. - Yeah. With mayo. Camel shit sandwich. You say these mean things to me? You say these-- [CRYING] How can you do this to me? I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Come, give me hug. Give him a hug. - You give him a hug. - You can have your job back. I'm sorry. - Hey, man, don't be like that. - Come on. It's OK. We family. We family. Brother, come. Come. [SHOUTING] [INAUDIBLE]. [SHOUTING] Oh, shit! [GONG RINGING] [SHOUTING] I'm telling you right now, we're gonna be here five minutes, OK? I got places to go, people to see, things to do. OK? What was that, man? In every karate movie, Jackie Chan, Jet Li, Bruce Lee-- you got five minutes to get us out of here, OK? Five minutes. What did you say about my mama? Wait here. That's what I thought you said. [SHOUTING] [RINGING] Welcome to Karate World. Hey. I am Han. Mr. Toshiba Aharu's first daughter. We've been expecting. Well, my name is Junior. I'm my mama's first son, and I've been expecting you all my life. You a dancer, baby? Where's the pole at? Mr. Junior, do I look like I am laughing? There's no time for jokes. My father is waiting. Take your clothes off! [LAUGHTER] Ain't nobody taking no clothes off, OK? You're tripping. Ain't nobody taking nothing. Nothing coming off. Take your clothes off. Look, mama, me too "buku." You don't wanna mess with this. [INAUDIBLE]. Yeah, I'm taking mine off. OK. OK. What was that? There's a ninja in here, man! Come with me! Hurry up! Hey, man, what's up with them drawers you got on, man? You bisexual? Man, I ain't bisexual. Man, these bikini briefs, man. Why y'all doing this to us? Why are we in our drawers? You [INAUDIBLE]. You two black birds are flying mess. You've disappointed us. What? Do you know why you're here? No. No. Are you idiot? [RINGING] See, I told you. Look. Look. It's one of them places. - Turn around. What? What the hell is that? He just ate a fly. This must be the ugliest motherfucker I ever seen in my life. [SHOUTING] You go down! Hey, man, why we in our drawers? What's this all about? [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Hey, man, this is a real nice place, man. You hooked this place up, man. The lights right there? That's hot right there. With the little Rick James-- ah! An overturned nest produces many cracked eggs. But the squirrel must eat the dandelion. What's that, a recipe, or something? Do you know who we are? A group of hair stylists? Ah! Do you know who we are? Katt Williams' daddy? Ah! Do you know who we are? A gay wizard? Ah! It is better to be a chicken's head than an ox's rump. What? The bumblebee swims at night. [SHOUTING] Hey! You boys owe me a lot of money. What money? We don't got no money. This one, when even faced with danger, he continues to lie. [SHOUTING] In Japanese culture, you steal from one store, you steal from all my stores. [SHOUTING] We have you on the camera. Camera my idea. New generation! You owe me 10,000 big ones. 10,000 big ones? Aw, come on, man. It wasn't no 10,000-- Oh! Show them what we do to liars. What you mean? Help! Mr. Hair, we ain't take your money. I ain't take your money. You know you all got small eyes. Somebody who look just like-- cause we all look alike. We all look alike. You have seven days to return my money. Seven days. This ain't "Roots." Then we do the final blow. You have seven days. If not, two blackbirds fall from the sky, hit the rock, and end their journey. Don't forget, we know where you are. [LAUGHTER] [SHOUTING] [LAUGHTER] [SHOUTING] You better back up before you get smacked up! Man, what the hell you done got me into now? I'm on probation, Freddy. That ain't my fault. And they came and got both of us, man. You and me. If we'd have both got the money, and kept the money, both of us would have spent the money. - $10,000! - Come on, man. You ain't got $10,000. I ain't got $10,000. We in trouble. And it's your fault. You know what you deserve right now? A $10,000 ass whipping! Those people are gonna kill us, man. Man, they ain't gonna kill us, man. Go on, man. Get out my face. You-- you really mad at me, man? I am really mad. And if I wasn't on probation-- hey, trust me-- they'd be pulling me off you right now. So get to steppin'. You feeling froggy, Junior? Then leap, Junior. Step up, Junior. Get some of this, Junior! I'll be waiting for you. You're getting an invitation to smack this blackness. When we was in the dojo, and Jet Li was smacking your ass with them sticks, you didn't say a damn thing, Junior. You ain't say nothing. The bitch just dripped out your bloodstream, Junior. You didn't say nothing. [COUGHING] Hey, man. Time out. Time out. You got what they call a short memory. You can't beat me. Memo! - All right. All right. Get your ass up. That's it. REVEREND: Like magic! I got it. We're going back to church. Remember the church they thought we was preachers? You sound crazy, man. We're not preacher.s Tomorrow it's gonna be 200 people in the church, waiting to hear us preach. Waiting to give us their money. Man, church is the world's greatest hustle. If that fool can get my mama to send him $50 every month, we can con a church once. Come on. Them churches make thousands of dollars every Sunday. Hey, you got a suit? Yeah, I got a suit. Why? That's all you need. Your plan better work. It better work. It'll work, man. It better work. I'll bust your ass again. [INAUDIBLE] Come on, man. Me and you, Junior. [BELL RINGING] [CLEARING THROAT] Oh, him pastor. Good morning, sister. Good morning. What is that shirt? Your prom suit? What you talking about? It's a throwback. It's tight because it's couture. Diddy got the same jacket. Look, I want to apologize for yesterday. We weren't properly introduced. I'm Nikki Stevens. And you are-- Pastor. Pastor Don Cornelius. But people call me Freddy. Don Cornelius? Like the "Soul Train" dude? Or Freddy. Well, I came a little bit early to show you around. In the mornings I usually unlock, and the office is back there. And today's reading is on Ezekiel 37. You know, the one about God's promise to restore his people. Like dry bones coming to life. You might want to throw that in your sermon. - Ezekiel? - Yes. The guy that works down at the car wash? Charges you detailing? Down on-- You don't mean that Ezekiel, do you? You talking about somebody different? Yeah. The one in the Bible? Ezekiel-- Oh! You mean "Ze-keel." It's pronounced "Ze-keel," because the E-- it has the accent over it. It's "Ze-keel." It's pronounced-- Are you really a minister? Ordained. I went to school down in, um, Mississippi. Great Baptist University of Moses. I've never heard of that one. It's real small. I see. Brother Ephraim, have you met Pastor Cornelius? - Good morning, brother. - Good morning. Cornelius-- yeah, you look like you would know the latest dance steps. We met yesterday with Pastor Hacker. And the deacon? Where is he? Deacon? Oh, oh! Deacon Jones. Yeah, he's running a little bit late this morning. He was up all night praying. You know, God is like a crack house. Always open. Crack house? [MUSIC PLAYING] [CHA-CHING] [MUSIC PLAYING] SINGER: Hey, you! I'm super hot. Let me spin one time. Oh! I'm super hot, yeah. [CRASHING] Something wrong? Nigga, you said wear a suit, right? This is a suit. - Excuse me. Just give me a second. I gotta go meet with my disciples. I'm not gonna be getting embarrassed by you, OK? What you pushing me back here for? What's going on? What was that? I-- don't know. You look very pretty today, Nikki. No-- I take that back. You are looking beautiful today. Thanks, Ephraim. Won't be acting like that when I take over this church. What did you say? Remember, to be blessed, one must first be a blessing. Man, what is wrong with you? What are you supposed to be? What do you mean, be? Huh? This is fly, OK? Me-- I'm looking like a black Don Johnson. You got a problem with that? That's exactly right, Junior. And Miami Vice has been off the air for 25 years. I ain't come here for that, OK? Go out there and preach. Get that money. We're going to go back, pay these people, and go home. OK? - That's it. That's the plan. What's it look like? We good? Oh, yeah. We gonna be rolling in it. Rolling. Getting ready today. Getting ready for the new pastor. God bless 'em. Let 'em stay there for a while. One, two, three! [OFF KEY MUSIC PLAYING] Need to get rid of that band. Mhm. Lord. Something's wrong. They dead. That's what it is. What's that he has on? I don't know, but I need to take him shopping. You sure do. Amen. - Amen. - Ma? Mhm? Is Pastor Hacker dead? No, fool. These are the replacement ministers. I'm just asking. Why you always get like that? If you don't shut up-- if I didn't need this welfare money, I swear I'd kill you. I said, can I get an amen? Amen! That's better. Come on, let me hear you. I mean, come on, this is the church. Them pants is way too tight, Mama. Church filled up with love. Love's just floating all around. I see the imprint of his balls, Mama. Baby, I think that was for me to say. I don't think you're supposed to be looking at balls. Like, turn to your neighbor. Give 'em a hug. Now turn and do the same thing to your other neighbor. Now I want everybody in the church to say, Deacon Jones' suit is the defecation. Huh? What? Looks like a Temptations suit. The defecation! What? What is he, a pimp? Well, without further ado, I'm gonna bring on Brother Ephraim. Oh, yeah. Praise the Lord, church. Hey, praise the Lord. This week is a special week in the church, given that next week is Easter Sunday. And you can purchase lilies for the altar through our beautiful decorating committee. And a prayer group for Pastor Hacker will be meeting after the service. Now, I was all set to give the word today. I said, I was all set to give the word today! Aw, come on, Ephraim. Sit on down and bring the new ministers out. Who wants to hear the word today? Somebody? Anybody? Everybody wanna hear the word today? Man, this ain't "Stomp The Yard." Stomp on off the stage. OK, if that's how you feel-- it is my pleasure to introduce Pastor Don Cornelius. Come on up, brother. [APPLAUSE] Thank you. Kinda thin. He need a sandwich. Morning, congregation. - Good morning. - You look lovely. Yes. Yes, you. Yeah! They call me Reverend Pastor Doctor Good God! Good God! They both got a lot of teeth. We're gonna feel it with the Holy Spirit. - Yes! - Can you hear it? Amen. Amen. Amen! We gonna talk about Jesus juice sippin', Kobe snitching. Go on, preacher. I'm gonna talk about Bobby and Whitney. Bobby and Whitney. And bald headed Brittney. Bald headed. I'm gonna talk about Barack Obama, and your baby's mama! - Should have used a condom. - Say it! Say it. What is this, Reverend Run DMC? I don't know what you've heard, but this is how we preach the word. I like his style. You all out there misbehaving, but in this church you'll find your savior. Yes, indeed. Preach, preacher. It's good, cause God spoke to me. He spoke to me. What did God say? What did he say? What did he say? - He said today is your day. - Your day. And your day. And your day. Your day. And your day. Amen. Mhm! That's how Reverend Paid do it. Let me ask you a question. What do you do for the church? Yeah. You right here? - Me? Oh, um-- well, I want to cook for the church, but Pastor Hacker, he said the congregation is too small, and-- but I can cook anything. - She can cook. - Mhm. Fried chicken. Candied yams. Greens. Yams the shit. I can cook anything you like. Especially for him. I'm Miss Tanya. Like that suit. Deacon Jones! Give that dog a bone! And what about you, brother? In the Fonzarelli jacket? My name's Derek. I've got some musical abilities. - Mhm. Let's face it, man. This band sucks. No offense, guys. But I mean, you know, with a little effort, we could really drop it like it's hot in here. Can you rev it for the reverend? I can rev it. Can you-- lean with it? Can you bop, bop, bop with it? I can rev it for the rev! And what about you, junior Jamie? On any given Sunday, can you bring it? Good goobily goo, you gonna make it do what it do? Huh? Evil Jamie? It may be time to take an offering. All right, you gonna reach for me? Be fruitful and multiply. Lord, dig deep for me. Sorry, I don't have any money. Um-- maybe next Sunday. FREDDY: Reach deep, but don't be cheap. Don't be cheap. I got something big for the church. FREDDY: Reach deep, but don't be cheap. Boy, you got something for the church. Go on, put the money-- put the money in the basket. There you go. - So thank you. That's the conclusion of our service, and I've given you the Holy Spirit. And I was glad you was here to hear it, and I'd like to take a moment for Pastor Hacker, a moment of silence. That's enough. Everybody gather round. They're feeling us, Junior. They're feeling us. What did I tell you? Man, there's gonna be four or five thousand in collection. Wonderful. You're like a tall glass of water. And I'm thirsty. You did a wonderful job up there today. And you wait till next week. Easter, a lot of people going to be here to hear you preach. We gonna raise $10,000 in seven days. Seven days? $10,000? Now, I know I've only been here for a week, and y'all thinking, he's crazy. Well, I am crazy. Crazy for the Lord. We've got a lot to do. We're gonna fix the ceiling. Paint the pews. Lighten Deacon Jones. I'm just playing now, you know? So if we can return here tomorrow night, each and every one of you, with 5-10 people. 5-10 people? For a special night of healing. Wait a minute. You gonna heal someone? That's right, little brother. We gonna heal someone tomorrow. Right here. Yeah! [CHEERING] See you tomorrow. You something else. I've been around a long time, and I ain't never heard no preacher like that. I want to join the church. I want to belong. Name's Benny. Welcome, Brother Benny. Let the church say amen. Amen. What's all this talk about healing somebody, man? We can't heal nobody. Just come into the back. Come on. You tripping. Just come on to the back. Come on. You got some water to cool me off? Cause I'm on fire! Look, this done went too far. I mean, we oughta be thinking about trying to get out of here. You talking about coming back tomorrow? Man, will you just chill out? Where's the money we collected today? I gave it all to that Nikki woman. It was about $150. That's it? That's what I'm trying to tell you, stupid. Today was only the first day. And next Sunday-- well, next Sunday is Easter. We gonna be rolling in the dough, baby! Apparently there have been several of our VIP memberships, bootleg in nature, that were purchased online. These are platinum memberships, so y'all six in the front row gonna have to vacate immediately. OK? Please don't-- please don't cause a fuss. [MUSIC PLAYING] [CLATTERING] It's healing time. OK. Let me guess where the devil was. OK. Let's talk about this. Oh, I can't heal you right now. I'm kidding. All I can think about ever since you've put out the building fund challenge is all the stuff that the church needs. You know, like new song books, half the robes are moth eaten. In the kitchen, the refrigerator and the stove don't work. Damn! I'm sorry, sister. Y'all don't need Jesus, y'all need a genie. What? You're just so different. Different, like how? Like, kind of-- Well I mean, you're funny. You know? And you're loose, and-- most pastors are uptight. Stuffy. Kind of like Brother Ephraim? Enough about him. That guy right there, he-- Oh! Oh, it's just a little tsetse fly. It's-- bug. I used to deal with bugs back in the day. I-- long story. So, everything OK over here? Fantastic and sensational. Thank you very much. Hallelujah. I'd like to see you on Sunday, sister. OK. So why don't you tell me a little bit about yourself? What did you do before this? Where's your family? I mean, who are you? I used to be in sales. And then my family moved to Jerusalem. Family? So there's a Mrs. Cornelius? No, there's a daughter. A daughter? She's with my mama right now. And her mother? And please don't tell me she's dead. She is dead. Cancer. Oh-- But-- it was a long time ago. We're-- we're over it now. It's just me my little girl now. So what's your daughter like? My daughter? Like any other crazy kid. Always hitting me up for stuff. Like, right now she wants a piano. She wants to be Alicia Keys. I told her, you can't be Janet, cause Janet just be popping out. I don't want you popping out till you're 35. Jesus don't like 'em out. So Alicia Keys is what we ended up with. You know, it's a shame she's not with you. Because we have a piano, and I'm sure she'd love it. I'm just not sure you guys would love her playing. So um-- let's get back to the list. If you could have one thing on the list, what would it be? - One thing? - One thing. But anything. That's hard. It's your list. OK. I got maybe. Maybe you should talk to your boyfriend-- Maybe you should back up? Those girls are here trying to beat Lakeisha, and one of them got a gun! - What? Hey! I'll beat your ass again! What the hell's going on here? We about to whomp her ass. That's what's going on. - Whatever. - You know what? Don't I know your mama? No, you don't. I do so. Maddie James Price. I been knowing her for years. So maybe why don't I just give her a call, and let her know what the hell is going on here? And who out here has a gun? She ain't going to call nobody. Excuse me? You don't even live around here. You need to shut your mouth when grown folks are talking. And don't bring it back around here. [INAUDIBLE] no more. And you-- stop fighting in front of my place. You understand that? Can I talk to you? Get your hands off me! What you out here fighting for, anyway? She thinks I want her boyfriend, when he be the one calling me all the time. Listen, nobody wants you. Honey, we're just trying to help you. One of those girls had a gun. You're going to get yourself killed out here. What's it to you? Little girl, you got a big ass mouth. Who are y'all, anyway? Some kind of police, or teen workers, or something? She Ren, you Stimpy? What did you say? No. We're just regular people from New Birth Baptist Church. Church people? It figures. Like you know my shit, right? Sweetheart, I've been where you're at and back, with my sister, so save your lecture. You need to come to church and take a break from hanging with these kids. Maybe I'll think about it. Well, you better think about it fast, before these girls whoop your ass. Don't you know light skinned ain't in? - Pastor! - I'm sorry. Lord Jesus, forgive me. I wasn't thinking. I was just sinking. What kind of church people are y'all? What's your name, anyway, little bitty? None of your business. New Birth Baptist Church. Right down the street. I'll see you Sunday. And no more fighting, Tiny Tyson. Cause I'll whoop you. Pastor, I'm a little concerned about your behavior. Tiny Tyson, and I'm going to whoop your-- A-S-S? Jesus will forgive me. Ain't no doubt about it, God will allow it. OK. Are you thieving? Back sliding? Dirt doing? Are you living in a vortex of evilation? Well, you'd better wake up and-- Daddy! Hey, baby doll. I missed you. You're in trouble. What? Grandma's real mad at you. What I do now? - Grandma, Daddy's home! - Freddy! Boy-- Hi, Mama. How you doing, Mama? Have you lost your mind? Some Asian people came here looking for you this afternoon. What? You heard what I said. I said, some Asian people came here looking for you. Now, don't you play no games with me, Freddy. You got some explaining to do. Mama, it wasn't even like-- Freddy, honey, tell me, what have you gotten yourself into now, huh? Oh, that's Han and them. You remember Han? We went to high school together. Little Han? Like this big? Han? Got this video store now, right? And I had rented some karate videos. They must want 'em back. That's all it is. Little problem. - Nuh-uh. But it didn't look like a little problem to me, Freddy. And it happened, of all days, today. Sunday. The Lord's day, Freddy. - Mama, I got it under control. - No you don't. You know what? Listen here, Freddy. Solve your problems, or you get out. OK? And don't think I don't know about you losing your job down at Bug Stoppers. It's Roach Stompers. Wait a minute. And another thing-- are you bisexual? Naw, I'm not bisexual! Why you say I'm bisexual? Because Miss Clara down there at Zoe's school told me that you bisexual. She said you came down there in these itty, itty bitty little shorts. Short, short, shorts all up in your behind. She said don't nobody wear that kind of stuff but bisexual men. Now you know, Freddy, we don't deal with that kind of stuff around here. You hear me? - I'm metrosexual. - What? Metrosexual. They're just mad cause I can wear mediums. Yeah, look at it. Kanye West metrosexual, Puffy metrosexual. Russell Simmons metrosexual. You know what? I got your metrosexual here. [SHOUTING] Don't play with me, boy. Don't play with me. Coming up in here with that kind of-- What do you think pastor's surprise is, Thelma? Hard to say, sister. I really have no idea. It ain't nothing. This is a trick to get us here on a Monday night. Probably right. You know what, baby? You need to have a little faith. - Yeah, right, Ma. Like church has ever did anything for me. Be messing with my halo minutes now. You need to hush up before I knock your teeth in the back of your mouth. [APPLAUSE] No. Come on. [APPLAUSE] What's up, y'all? What's up? [INAUDIBLE]. We're back, Deacon Jones and I, as I promised we would be. Here to do a healing. I don't believe you believe me. I said tonight, somebody is gonna get healed! [APPLAUSE] This church has the spirit, and I can feel it. - Yes! - That's right. So I promise you this-- by Easter Sunday, you'll witness three miracles. [CHEERING] Mhm. God is good. God is the answer. And so with that, I need a volunteer from the audience. Right here. Me. Right here. Right here. You in the back. Me? Yes, you, brother. What's your name? [SHOUTING] I'm sorry. Speak up. I couldn't hear your name, brother. [SHOUTING] Come up here, brother. Come on up here. [APPLAUSE] [FARTING] Did you pass gas? I told you I got gas. Jesus. Come on, brother. What's the story, brother? I see. That's incredible. It's incredible, ladies and gentlemen. This man's name is Frank. Now, Frank had his vocal cords severed by an alligator on a vacation to Florida in 2004. Oh, my lord! Just works. He walks like this, all bent over, because the gator got a piece of his tail bone. Oh, Jesus! And his leg is messed up! But God is good, and he's feeling like doing the healing! Feel it, Lord. Over three nights-- tonight, Wednesday, and Friday-- we're going to heal this man. But tonight he's going to sing. Hallelujah! Do you believe, Frank? I said, Frank, do you believe? Praise him. Deacon Jones, if you could assist me? Deacon Jackson, if I could have you up here? Come up here, brother. Now, hold on to him, now. Grab him in the bear hug, brother. And don't let go, because letting go is like letting go of God. Don't let go! Anoint him! Just anoint him! Anoint him! - Give him a holy shower. Give him a holy shower. Yes! Anoint him! Calling God's holy serpent. - Here he comes. - Strike. Strike! Strike him, sir. Strike him. Take out the demon, show its baby teeth. Baby teeth, baby teeth. Get that demon out of there. Yeah! Oh! Let him go. Let him go. Believe in you, brother. He's healing you, brother. He's healing you. Yeah. How you feeling, Frank? I said, how you feeling, Frank? I feel like-- singing. [APPLAUSE] Hallelujah. Sing! Come on. I sing-- (SINGING) Because I'm happy. Oh my god. And I sing because I'm free. [APPLAUSE] Be sure to join Deacon Jones and myself, back here Wednesday night. Bring your friends, and your family for another great feeling of spiritual healing. That's Wednesday night. I'll see you then. Hi, this is Brother Ephraim from Bethel? Yeah, this is the council office, right? I'd like to check on two replacement ministers you sent us. Cornelius. Yes, like "Soul Train." And Jones. Come on, man. That healing stuff ain't gonna work again. Man, we raised $1,300 last night. Yeah. Last night. You don't know. People love healing. - Hey, hey, hey. Hey, pastor. Hey, deacon. God breast you. I mean, bless you. Oh, praise-- praise the lord. Look at you. You're looking like a little dark skinned gingerbread man. They kept you in the oven a little too long. Pastor, I've been thinking, and thinking, and I came up with an idea straight from Heaven above. Well, if it's from Heaven, sister, then it must be good. - Oh, yes. - Praise him. Praise him. Praise him. Back in the day, my grandmother used to cook for everybody. And so I love to cooking, and-- do you love to eat? - Oh, I love to eat. - You love to eat? OK. - Oh, yeah. Do you like breast meat? Oh, I love breast meat. Oh-- smothered breasts? Smothered breasts. Oh, yes. Smothered. Put a little gravy on it. Little gravy on it? Oh, my goodness. What about thigh meat? - Thigh meat. I love thigh meat. - You like thigh meat? I'll lick 'em first. Then I eat 'em. Praise the Lord. What we can do is have a Friday or Saturday night cooking thing. And that would encourage people to come back on Sunday. So what do you need from me? I just need your blessing. Well, you got that, sister. Well, thank you. Woo! I feel it. I-- woo! That got my nipples hard. You know-- one more thing. The after school program-- The after school program? Yes. Yes, I've been taking care of it. Me and the other girls, we just need a man to help us. And my son, D, needs a father. I mean, a father figure. So they'll be here today at three. Today at three? Today at three. You can handle that, can't you? Yeah, I can handle that. Very funny. [LAUGHTER] Today's topic is lying. Any liars out there? Everybody lies sometimes. Do you lie? Do I lie? Oh, no, Deacon Jones. And I love being here too, bro. I see you're very influenced by that singer, Chris Brown. But you can't sing, you can't dance, you can't dress, and you don't wear deodorant. The Lord don't like liars. There's only two lies that you can tell and be forgiven for. The first one is if, let's say, you're being chased by an Asian gang-- What? And let's remember, now, the Asians created dynamite and karate. Which means that if they're chasing you, they're gonna mess you up. The situation is if you're what they call a kleptomaniac. The Lord's forgiven them, because they can't help themselves. Do you know any kleptomaniacs? Of course not. I'm a deacon. What kind of deacon are you? I'm a deacon with an attitude, OK? God wants you to be prosperous, and enjoy prosperity. Kick us down some. For each $1,000 tax deductible donation to our institution, you get back $5,000 in prayer. God bless you. I want it to be smooth as a baby's butt. You got me, old man? I got you, big fella. You new in the area, huh? Oh, you got some good hair. You might have a little Indian in you. Let me fluff it up a little bit there, boy. What tribe you from? The bald headed tribe? He's in there. You see my Chi Chi? Yeah, he's the-- I say we can take it. I'll sit on him. That's what. Come on, now. What's going on over here? Pastor! Deacon. Thank you for coming, pastor. My Chi Chi's been missing for days. Chi Chi? What's that? My dog. Oh. I was just in the video store. Chi Chi's a dog. Yeah, yeah. Her. They're always stealing dogs in this neighborhood. It's OK. Sister, we're here now. Let me get a look at what our problem is, over here. Right over there. He's the one in the center. Yeah. I see ugliness. And as we know-- Praise God! The Lord does not like ugly. No. Take a look at the ugliness yourself, brother. You see that beast of a man. Yes. Praise God. Deacon, you've heard of David and Goliath? - Yes. - Oh, yes, brother. Well, I'm not fixing to try that. What? Listen, why don't we get you another dog? [CRYING] No, no, Sister Evelyn. No. Why you gonna tell her-- Go get her dog. [CRYING] Old man, I'm not playing with you. Hey, man, what you doing? - I'm sorry, big fella. But those [INAUDIBLE]. Jeez. You think that [INAUDIBLE]? He wore that tight suit, the mask on. Kemosabe. You know something's going on there. Big teeth! That's a shame out here. You mind if we have a word with you, sir? PD. Police? Pet detectives. I'm Officer Fetchems, this is Officer-- Canine. Arf! Yeah, we got word you're in possession of a stolen dog. Who says? Officer Canine, you want to respond to that? [INAUDIBLE]. You going down. Watch what you say, big fella. Remember what happened to Michael Vick. No more touchdowns. I ain't stole no dog. Oh, you stole it. This is my dog. Man, look at that dog's little glittery collar. That ain't your dog. What's his name? Brutus. We ain't ask for your hero's name. What's the dog's name? [BUZZING] Man, you slapped me? That bug's in here. I'm sorry, big fella. Brutus? Brutus? It's a dumb dog. You think I'm playing with you? - Ouch! - I'm sorry, big fella. Man, you come again, I will choke you out. - Call it in. - Right now. - Calling the popo? - Call it in. Hello? [BEEPING] Yeah, we found the perp with the pooch. Oh, yeah, we found the dog, too. Looks like a dusty tarantula. Hey, Junior, keep your eyes on his eye. Look like he's reaching for something. You talking about my eye? We talking about your eye, what? Nobody talks about my eye. Yeah, we talking about your eye. You think cause you got the big ass head and wide neck, that we supposed to be intimidated? Let me tell you something, playa! The dog is stolen. You stole it. See, we know that's Miss Evelyn's dog, OK? You stole it. She sent us over here to get it back. So give me that goddamn dog! Uh-oh. You hit me in the head. I'll be outside, man. We done done it now. There's no going back after-- What are you doing, boy? You slapped me? If you wanna slap me, slap me! Slap me! Slap me! I'm sorry-- [BELL RINGING] - I got no insurance! Now you sorry! Now everybody pays for my haircut! Give ie up! Give me the money! But I got no insurance. Do you love, love, love the Lord? Because He love, love, loves you, and He can change your life! Like magic! Shabow! OK, now, I brought y'all here to get y'all in shape. Y'all soldiers in God's army, OK? - Yes, we are. - Let's go. Here we go. Hear that? The joyful noise. The sounds. Here we go. [MUSIC PLAYING] SINGER: Do you believe in magic? Y'all need this. Bring it around. Bring it around. Now backwards. Booty shake? [INAUDIBLE]. Give it to 'em! Deacon's in the house. He's here. Deacon Jones done did his homework. OK? Now we're going to see how good y'all know your stuff. Deacon Jones, I got a question to ask, but I don't want to get in trouble. Is pastor bisexual? Because everybody keeps saying that. How dare you say something like that. You're not holding a tune. We're trying. [GROANING] [SHOUTING] [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] Everybody! [NON-ENGLISH SPEECH] I'm what they call a modern day hero, if you know what I mean. You're touching me. Oh-- oh-- that's-- oh. Oh, Jesus. OK, that's better, Sam. That's right. Just feel that beat. Feel that beat. I know a beat when I hear it. Well, when you gonna hear it? Can I help you? Just looking for the pastor. He's not here right now. He'll be back soon, though. You can sit and wait. You don't know what you're doing. And you ain't even black. Something funny? Y'all sound horrible. Let's try this one more time, OK, guys? One, two, one, two, three. Go. And-- [OFF-KEY MUSIC] [LAUGHTER] Hey. Where's Franky at? I don't know. Man, he should have been here by now. There's at least 200 people out there waiting for the healing. People are expecting a show. We gotta give it to him. I said he's going to be here, he's going to be here, OK? Just calm down. Should have been here before now. If Frank's not here, it's over with. We might as well leave right now. Pastor? Pastor? Frank can't make it tonight. He kinda touring the rehab centers-- Rehab? He ain't even-- Well, anyway, seeing as change of circumstances, I volunteer myself to be healed. Benny, you don't need to be healed. Yeah, I do. Look at my leg. I walk funny. Did you hear that? Hey, everybody. We're gonna heal Benny! No-- no, no, no, no! Heal Benny! Heal Benny! Look there. Preacher, it gives me so much pain. Man, you don't need no healing, man. Yes, I do. Man, that's from wearing clogs back in the '60s. You can do it, reverend. You got the power! You healed Stanky Franky. What can't you heal me? - Come on. Come on. Come on. Come on. Yes! Yes! [APPLAUSE] Hey! Praise Him! Benny, we all know God loves you. I love you. They love you, Benny. [APPLAUSE] Do you lo-o-o-o-ove Benny? We love Benny! You're one of God's greatest works. I want to call God. I'm calling you, God. Don't check the caller ID. It's just me, trying to help Benny. You ready? [SHOUTING] Heal! Feel better. [GASPING] [APPLAUSE] What you done did, man? I ain't do a lot. You see that? [APPLAUSE] You see that? Very entertaining show, pastor. You like that, huh? Too bad both of you are fakes. What? I know what you're doing. You're bamboozling the people. You're leading them astray. You're tying them to balloons, and letting them go. I'm watching you. I'm watching both of you. [MUSIC PLAYING] SINGER: Do you trust me when I'm out here on the streets? Out here hustling. Better yet, do you run from me? REVEREND PAID: Hello. I'm Reverend Paid. Please join us on our annual couples only counseling cruise. This year we've got a bigger boat, and a better cook. No more food poisoning. And I'm ready to get my hands dirty. God wants you and your beloved to be blessed. Remember, it's Adam and Eve, not Adam and Steve. [SCREAMING] [PHONE RINGING] Bethel. Yes, this is Brother Ephraim. Wait, wait, wait. Say that again? Thank you. Roach Stompers. OK. You want to play? We'll play. Hello. Hello. - How are you? - Good. Good. Pastor. Hey, Miss Tanya. What's up, girl? How you doing? - Good. Good to see you. - Always a pleasure. - You're doing such a good job. - Thank you so much. How you doing? I'm doing great. I've got it right here for you. Mhm. Just a lot of work around this area for roaches. Yeah. Appreciate it. So lucky to-- - I gotta go now. I'ma talk to you soon. Freddy? Freddy? I-- Yo. What's up, man? This the dude I've been telling you about, right here. Oh, man. I heard so much about you. You're like a roach stomping guru. So what's up, man? How you been holding up, man, since you lost your job, and everything? Man, bring that down. Hey, let me talk to you real quick. Did you and Junior steal some money? - We ain't stole nothing. - It's cool. You know, but you look good, man. The suit, dressed out. That's crazy, because you know, I'm just-- I'm so used to you wearing that bug outfit. This dude was so dedicated, he used to sleep in that uniform. Oh, hey-- tell him about the time with them girls. We ran that Amtrak on them hos! OK? Next stop? - Monkeyville! Up high. All right. [PHONE RINGING] Roach Stompers. OK. We around the corner, man. All right, bye. Yo, we gotta get out of here, man. We gotta kill some more roaches. You know about that, right? You changed. You-- you really changed. You know what? Let's go. Like, this dude is so Hollywood. You know what I'm saying? Like, he got a suit on with no job. You just got fired. I don't know why you-- Mhm. Uh-huh. - Let me-- - No, no, no. No. Uh-uh. Pastor, right? Now, I don't know what all that was about. Little Amtrak train? I don't know if this was your little boyfriends, or nothing. Ah-- I know how things g, all right? Sometimes life puts us in a situation that we can't get out of. Ah-- ah-- No, no, no. But I like you, pastor. Don't disappoint me. I got my eye on you. Zz. Buenos noches. OK. Time to go. Time to go. Freddy. Yeah? - You need to calm down. - I'm calm. What do you mean, calm down? I'm calm. - Play calm, man. - I'm calm. You're not calm, man. I'm calm, cool, and collected, man. I'm calm. - You ready, reverend? They're gonna-- How you doing, boys? Ah, I see you got the little Steve Harvey hairline going. Oh, yeah. Big Ben is back, baby. Yes. Reverend, there's a big crowd out there, you know? Easter, and all. - Good crowd? Yeah. See you later. Go on ahead with your bad self. All right. Take care, Benny. Reverend? A lot of people are depending on you guys. Um-- you're doing a great thing here. And thank you for giving us a chance. No, Benny. Thank you. That's the last time, OK? The last time. Man, what you talking about? That man believes in you. Man, that man ain't believe in me. This is the last time, all right? Get serious. - I'm sorry. I'm serious. Ready? I'm serious. Let's go. You're too damn serious. That's who's serious. That's a nice crowd right there, boy. He's sneaky. Come on. Come on. Get inside. OK. OK. I got something to tell you. OK? Promise you're not gonna get mad. What you done did now? Look-- Miss Tanya know about us. She know about you, and she know about me. She know we not, uh-- she know you not a deacon. She know I'm not a preacher. You know, how we used to work at Roach Stompers? She know everything. It's not my fault. It's-- it's not my fault. Junior, it's-- Shut up! OK? That's first of all. Shut up. OK? Second of all, I want you to know something. I like Miss Tanya, OK? And she likes me. Things was going real smooth. But that's beside the point. We got a much bigger problem. Our much bigger problem is there's a gang after us. They beat us with bamboo sticks, remember? Now, there's $8,000 out there, and you got to get it. OK? Because you said you had the plan. And what did I tell you I was going do if the play didn't work? Naw-- naw-- I'm gonna bust your ass. And it ain't gonna be a $10,000 ass whooping. Because that was seven days ago. Now we got compounded interest. That's 10,000 with seven days' interest. That adds up to-- a big ass whoopin'! Come on, man. I don't even know if you got enough ass to pay into it. OK? Let's get out here and get this money, all right? I'm right behind you, OK? Right after you, OK? Let's do it. [SINGING] Bring your ass out here. I was right behind you. The door got-- [SINGING] [APPLAUSE] Yeah, you think [INAUDIBLE]. Your mama's out there, man. - I know. I just saw that. I saw that. Hurry up and get that 2,000, and we outta here. - OK. - Hi, Daddy. Brothers and sisters, what an amazing week. Amen! Amazing. Amazing. But I stand before you humbled. Humble! See, I-- I messed up this week. Messed up. Screwed up bad. Screwed up bad! Never meant to hurt nobody. Never meant. But I gotta come clean. All right. You see, I ain't a preacher? What? Oh, my Lord! I told you, babe. They're phonies. She ain't your babe. Lord. Just wait till you get home. This whole thing was a hustle. Because I owe the-- the karate kids some money. But what I really want to say is you're all good people, and I never set out to hurt anyone. I did lie, but it all sort of just happened. You see, this money dropped, and then there was this chase. And then we were mistaken for replacement ministers here at the church. And-- How could you do that to me? Then I fell in love with this beautiful woman. A woman I could never in this life hope to deserve. We bug exterminators. Roach Stompers. - What? Look at his feet. We should have known they were stomping something. Scheister! Hey, wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute! Get off the stage! That's holy ground you're standing on. Y'all missing the big picture, OK? Think about it. Even though Freddy wasn't no real minister, he was a pretty good. He was all right. Hey. What about the clothes closet, huh? [INAUDIBLE] Miss Evelyn, she got her dog back. I got my dog back! Praise the Lord! I know that because I got knocked out getting it. That man did knock him out. Miss Tanya, you got a whole new ministry. Well, you did. And Benny-- Benny was healed. Amen! [APPLAUSE] Oh, yeah. A lot of good things have taken place in this church this week. And lo and behold, Pastor Freddy's greatest work. Me. Cause what y'all are looking at right now is a diagnosed kleptomaniac. [GASPING] See, well, after getting knocked out cold-- after getting beat with bamboo sticks all about the head, face, and neck-- I decided I would never steal again. [APPLAUSE] That's all because of the pastor. [APPLAUSE] Can I get an amen? And in closing, I'd just like to say y'all should think positively. If it wasn't for Pastor Freddy, Junior been would have robbed all of you about four or five times by now. Excuse me, young man. I think I have a right to say something here. Pastor Hacker! [APPLAUSE] This here is my church, and young Freddy has said that he admits to hustling us. Yes, he did. Well, I won't have it! Oh, no. I think you two have it all wrong. The both of you. WOMAN: Yeah. I hear what you're saying, Junior, about good deeds. And I agree with you. But what I can't agree with is the contention that Freddy Hustle does. [LAUGHTER] You think you hustled these people? Well, I think God hustled you. [APPLAUSE] Hustled you into holding my church down until I could return. Look at all the good. You think you did that on your own? That was God's work. [APPLAUSE] When God speaks to you like that directly, son, you must listen. [APPLAUSE] This is my church! I'm next in line. You were supposed to hack your way all the way to the hospital for the last time. You're supposed to be dead. And you, you fake Don Cornelius, "Soul Train," dancing, pop locking. Man, you ain't nothing but a wolf in pimp's clothing. And all y'all his hos. And you? I was gonna make you the future Mrs. Ephraim. And look here, I know you better get on out this church before I put a whooping on you. What? I'll give you a front row seat! You ain't nothing! [SHOUTING] Freddy. You have raised eight of the $10,000 you need. Is that correct? That's correct. Well, I think the congregation-- we have to help them out. I think we should make a collection. The church is supposed to help souls in trouble. And we have to help young Freddy, because he held this church down. Yes, he did. HACKER: For the past week. Now, we gotta help him in his troubles. Uh-- uh-- music. Jesus! [GASPING] My lord! This is a church. Where is my money? He got it. He got it. I think it's time for a [INAUDIBLE].. [APPLAUSE] Move a little faster! Now get out of my church. That's right. Get your ass out of here. Hope you choke on the egg roll! Can we have some music? My pleasure, rev. Now go on, baby. Go on and play the piano. That's my baby. [APPLAUSE] (SINGING) Lay awake at night, right beneath the street. Do you believe this happened? They really stood up for us. Nobody ever did that for me before. We gotta change, man. You gotta stop stealing. That's what it is. Yeah. And be nice. Yeah. You're like a black Grinch. You need to be nice now. What you mean, black Grinch? You don't like nobody. You take everything, like the Grinch. Don't give it back. I borrow my stuff. All my stuff makes it to the pawn shop, and somebody else gets it. So really, I'm giving it back. OK. Kind of like Robin Hood. That's my problem, though. And you're gonna have a real hard problem, because your problem is that you're a dummy. So I don't see how you can change that. I mean, you was born like that, right? I mean, I would think that anybody that's dumb, it;s-- it's not really their fault. Bug God likes me more than he likes you, because he made me lighter. Is that so? See how I done it white, you done black? Not by accident. It's God. Well, maybe it's time that you got Satan out your life! Join me, Reverend Paid, in my house of worship. Five services every Sunday. We have a three tiered membership plan. $500, $1,500, and our gold membership, $2,000. Calm down! I got you! Come on. Relax, relax, relax. Work on your breathing. Work on your breathing. You ain't got your pacifier with you. Slow down. Breathe. Breathe. Pretend you light skinned. Pretend you light skinned. Light skinned. I don't like roaches. Let him go. Let him go. - Come on, man. - Hey. Come on, man. Come on, man. Come on. Closer. You ain't felt no pressure like this. You see who he owed? You see who he-- [INAUDIBLE] a little pressure like this. - Bring it. - Shut your ass-- Bring it. Bring it. Bring it. Come on. You better chill him. What's your phone number, mama? Hm? You know, [INAUDIBLE] right around the corner. I got $30. You guys see a girl dressed as a cheeseburger come by here? Cut! A girl dressed as a-- You get out of here. --your ass up! Get-- get this burger out of here! Get out of here! Get out of here! I don't want you on my property! Get out of here! [LAUGHTER] Y'all doing now? What, y'all got some raw meat? Don't-- I don't want no more raw meat. Them tri tips y'all sold me last week was-- stuffed me. I had to get some Ex-Lax, and sat on the toilet for about 10 days, to get that stuff out of my body. Now, what y'all doing with these trenchcoats on? What is this? It's too hot outside. Trenchcoats and gym shoes. Well, y'all look-- look at you. What's wrong with you? You ever see that man before? What man? [INAUDIBLE]. No, I ain't never-- ain't no dogs allowed in here. What church y'all from? Down the street. You know the-- Down the street? Around the corner, down the street. I ain't see no church member with some gym shoes on, and a trenchcoat. What kind of church you-- What kind of church? The new church of trenchcoats and gym shoes? And a headband? A new kind of congregation. Come on. Go along with it. Just go along with it. Go along with it. [INAUDIBLE]. Just go over there and pretend like we're pet detectives, and get the dog back. Just go along with it. Just play easy, and go along with it. We got this. - I'll tell you what, though. If some shit go down, that's your ass. I ain't messing with that big nigga over there. And you want a right to [INAUDIBLE]?? MAN: And set. Pardon me? Mhm? [LAUGHTER] You're right. Maybe you need to get Satan-- out your life. Don't disappoint me. All of you. Zz. [INAUDIBLE] La cucaracha. [LAUGHTER] I don't know why I hit you! I don't know why! It was a joke we did, and I was messing it. Like, I slapped you? What you think? I just know it's a Michael Richards moment. [MUSIC PLAYING] SINGER: Check me. One, two, with amazing raps. Bring the track back to amazing tracks. 15's in the trunk, with amazing slaps. I'm so damn hot, I take amazing craps. You know, with the boys, gifted. Roll down the window when I smoke the spliff, kid. How to be a player, I'm so damn swifty. Got your mama in the whip, cause she so damn freaky. Boozie, Boozie, that's all I hear. Whisper in my ear, tickle in my rear. In the mall parking lot, we in the clear. [MUSIC PLAYING] SINGER: I wanna know you. You wanna know me in reality. Me and you. You and me, you see? Me and you. Yeah, yeah. Felt like this, the way I'm feeling right now. [MUSIC PLAYING] You're hot and horny. All you want. Oh, baby. I know you want me. I know that you want it, too. So baby, I'm gonna have your loving. Take all your clothes off. I'm gonna do it to you, baby. I'm gonna make sweet love all night to you, baby. I'm gonna love you my way. Cause you got me feeling, baby. Your body-- I hustle, cause I hustle. I know everything's gonna be all right. Cause I hustle. Oh, yeah. From the sunrise to the late night. Late night, yeah. I gotta make it out the hood. I gotta find a way out. Some say that I'm misunderstood, but I gotta give [INAUDIBLE].. I wanna make my life quite all right, cloud nine. I've made up my mind. See, it's my time to take what is mine. I want it all, so I just gotta hustle. I know everything is gonna be all right. Hustle. Cause I hustle. From the sunrise to the late night. Hustle. Cause I hustle. I know everything is gonna be all right. Cause I hustle. Hustle. From the sunrise to the late night. Cause I hustle.
