The Great Story That Can't Be Told

what is the one story you want to tell that you can never fit into a conversation my dad is an ob gyn he once got called by the local zoo to perform an emergency c-section on one of their gorillas my mom has the baby gorillas picture on the mantle with our baby picture that's really cute i went to the grand canyon years ago with my parents a couple of stops and we get out at a lookout where there is only us and this biker couple she was sitting on the edge of the canyon with something in her hand and he was videotaping her we had to walk past them to get to a trail that led into the canyon it didn't take me and my dad long to see what the couple was doing so we stopped and tried to give them space but my mom kept walking the woman dumped something into the canyon and at the same time a wind blew out of the canyon and at my mom the biker couple watched what they had dumped out fly into my mom's face it turns out that it was the ashes of her brother and his last request was to have his ashes spread at the grand canyon what followed is the most awkward 10 minutes of my life as they talked to my mom about the departed at the end of the conversation the lady says don't feel bad about it he loved to meet new people my mom responds well it was nice to meet you and your brother as well your mom sounds awesome she handled that with grace my drunk crazy uncle showed up in an action bronson episode about the south bronx they filmed him drinking beer out of a straw hidden in his jacket in 2011 i was diagnosed with multiple sclerosis it was four days before my 17th birthday when i got home from the hospital that day i wanted to put myself in a better mood so i watched rush hour and then i watched rush hour 2 and then rush hour 3 fast forward to a couple months ago i volunteered at a high profile event that had a crap ton of celebrities we weren't allowed to fraternize with the celebs and ask for pictures and autographs and stuff but there was one celeb that i needed to slightly break that rule for at the end of the event i made sure to be near the exit and wait there for detective james carter himself i approached him i shook his hand and walked him out while explaining to him that rush hour got me through one of the worst days of my life so far and it made me smile during a time that i had no business smiling in he stopped dead in his tracks looked at me and thanked me for telling him he then gave me a hug before sincerely wishing the best for me and leaving the event and that's what happened when i met chris tucker this is a dang good story i live in maine in the same town as stephen king i have worked at several stores when i was younger such as home depot and walmart he has come and sometimes he recognized me when i worked at home depot from walmart and said you really need to stop following me jokingly of course he was a pretty cool dude bought some screws and lumber i had breakfast with james earl jones then went into preschool and told my teacher that i had breakfast with darth vader she didn't believe me until an article in the paper came out the following week about him being in town i was held hostage in iraq for over two and a half years i was the only person released to live out of the five of us taken i did an ama about it once fitting that into a conversation is interesting so the wife loves disney and i love the philadelphia flyers i took her to disney to propose and everything's magical the next day was my birthday and we are waiting in line when the woman in front notices my flyers hat and says oh you're a flyers fan i said yes i look at her husband and it's danny bree so i got to ride the tower of terror with one of my heroes also we had nearly identical outfits on also it was danny's birthday too this past summer me and two of my friends were passing the time by just walking in a creek we are in high school so we had nothing better to do as for walking we hear what we thought to be a little kid whining the creek wound around an elementary school so we thought it might be some daycare going on we continue to walk down the creek which then let us to a slow-flowing river about waist deep we swim down it having a good time when we hear the same sound of the kid again only it sounds less than five meters away and it's definitely not a child i look along the bank and spot a thorn baby deer stuck in some tree roots that were dangling over the bank i don't know how long it had been stuck there but it's front left and both back legs were stuck in the roots i asked one of my friends to hold my bag and i head over to the deer it had to have been stuck there for a decent while because it didn't seem to struggle when i got close presumably cause it was too tired too i go over and lift the phone up and carry him over to a less steep bank where he can make his way into the tree line surrounding the river i don't know what happened to it after that but i'm hoping it found its mama the doe was probably not too far off their instincts are very strong to the point that others will investigate phone calls my 50 year old mother is one of the best 2048 players in the world her high score is somewhere in the millions and she doesn't see it as a big deal but i google it and she's like top five in the country nobody other than myself is interested in this so i don't get many opportunities to brag on her behalf ngl she's likely the best human player if she's not using a bot and she's in the top five it takes some serious dedication to get into the millions this crazy hilarious coincidence that turned a kinda lame prank into a legendary one that i'll never forget i hope someone else andre did can finally appreciate this story me and a friend in high school snuck around a third friend during lunch one day sneaking photos of him from different angles and then texting him creepy messages with the photo like i'm watching you and i can smell you from here and you're so cute i am getting closer each time we'd send the message and run somewhere else and watch his reaction trying to find his stalker the last picture we took was from a window overlooking him sitting in a courtyard we sent the picture with another creepy message and watched from the edges of the window giggling like school girls were guys just as our friend starts trying to look up to the window to see who was taking the pictures a random chubby guy walked up the stairwell where we were hiding and saw us giggling and peeking out the window this guy was not in high school he looked at least 20 and i'd never seen him in my life no idea why he was there but this glorious mother walks up to the window looks down to our friend staring up at him and then decides to lift up his shirt rub his hairy nipples and stick his tongue out at him he then lowered his shirt and continued his walk up the stairwell never to be seen again the look of sheer terror and confusion on our friend's face i'll never forget such a good memory epic one time me and my brother were being signed up by my parents to do a rugrats campbell soup commercial my parents were both in chairs in front of this desk talking to a man and i was sitting leaning against the wall by the door behind them then a hand comes through the door and clamps around my mouth and i get dragged out of the room he's dragging me down the hall and i'm trying to kick and scream but he's this six featuring two white guy with a long beard and i can't budge or make a noise past his hand then halfway down the hallway in the lobby the receptionist looks up at us and he lets me go i run back to the room and sit on the floor between my parents chairs the guy comes in again and whispers something to the man my parents are talking to and leaves it still makes me angry today because when i told them this story they didn't believe me i was 5 m27 now and now they believe me it was so traumatizing i still remember it i worked at a banking call center for a short time during training one of the things they warned me about was a guy they called the sneezer he would call in and only wanted to talk to women he'd pretend to be opening up an account but the whole time be acting like he really needed to sneeze he wanted the female representative to tell him to let it go and that it was okay to do it clearly being a perv and jerking off to a female voice i had been on the phones a while before i ever got him he called me and tried that crap with me but i stayed on subject except to tell him to look up at the light and if he had so much difficulty sneezing he might need a doctor and set up an account most reps weren't able to get that far after which he was getting nasty and saying new things after a warning and him continuing i hung up my co-worker that sat next to me got a call a few hours later and almost immediately hung up turns to me and says she got the sneezer i tell her what happened to me and we laugh it off a few more hours goes by and she gets him again and i get to listen in a bit cause i'm on my break this time my co-worker has a plan she tells him to relax close his eyes take a deep breath at this point you can tell he's loving it and picture his grandmother busting in i hear a lot of cussing through her headphones and she hangs up comer and picture his grandmother busting in and at that moment his own dong crawled back up into his body as his mind recoiled in disgust seven years ago i 18 at the time was out to dinner with boyfriend's extended family and got stuck in a bathroom stall had a doorknob not a latch i panicked and kicked that crap open i came out the bathroom calmly sat down at our table and said nothing i felt guilty for breaking the door but also surprised at my ability to do so sir the bathroom was just torn apart this one is so weird i don't think anybody will believe me but i'll tell my tail anyway about six years ago i was working in fast food i was training 60 new employees at a brand new location with no other fast food spots for 30 minutes around it was heck i'd regularly work 16 hour days with only a 30 minute break thrown in there the new hires were being trained by two other experienced crew members and myself so most of the work was on a three i was hating life one day i took my lunch out in the lobby which don't usually do i sat alone until an old man asked if he could share my table we talked for a bit he noticed my name tag and says alejo that's my name too illegal fedex i tell him how strange that's my full name too all of a sudden he gets serious and tells me save a dime for every dollar i make that it would be good to have in case of an emergency or difficult situation he's been doing it since he was 20 and it helped him when he had to take time away from work we say goodbye and i get back to work but thought about him all day i took that advice and when i got testicular cancer a few years later and had to take leave from work i had a nice savings to fall on maybe he was future me watching out for me i didn't see your username and legitimately thought your name was alejo federick and wondering if the last name was pronounced the duck or the dick and where the name originated from i used to deliver pizzas i roll up to this one house walls to the door have a knock and start waiting when this cigar starts dive bombing me kamikaze style with rage like i could almost hear it screaming at me this went on for the several minutes that my customer wasn't answering the door and then the sicarda conveniently flew away right as the door popped open so i'm sitting there stressed kind of in shock with the pizza in my hand and tell the customer what happened for some reason they don't care whatever i walk back to my car get in the cicada is in my car attacks me again one of the most surreal exchanges with nature i've yet encountered i don't want to freak you out but i reckon that bug landed on you and was there the whole time you were chatting to the customer waiting silently until you got back into your car i met the bassist from tool once super nice guy the whole experience was great until i went home and told my family me hey guys i think i met someone famous today do you know the band tool family no way you met someone from tool who what did you say me i asked him if his band was pretty popular they mock me to this day i got done with my bartending shift in a college town over a summer and headed over to my friend's house for after bar everything in this town was walking distance and since it was summer it was fairly quiet night at around 4am as i'm walking home from the after bar by myself suddenly a couple of guys come up behind me completely wasted riding a tandem bike these guys were barely keeping this thing on the street when a car drove by slowed down and a girl from the back window of the car leans out and flashes her tee at them they guys crashed their tandem bike into a curb in a fantastically comical way and the car sped off i'm a small college town life i've been drunk on a tandem pedal boat never again my dad was good friends with david bowie for a while my mum's best friend was having potentially life-ending surgery open heart for the third time due to mafia's disease so my dad told bowie that she was a big fan he ended up recording a video for her wishing her luck and she still watches it from time to time she's having another surgery on tuesday bowie is so cool two good friends of mine from medical school found out they were half sisters after they both separately sent in kits to 23 and me the kicker is that the sperm donor was also a medical student i always find it nutty when kids made from sperm donors end up doing exactly what the sperm donor did their profession maybe path of life or their hobby then they'll find them years later on purpose or by accident i see those stories all the time craps wild my girlfriend and i were at 7 11 and dog the bounty hunter was there my girl drives a smart car which is adorable in its own right but as we came out of 7-eleven to leave dog held the door for us and then when we were getting in the car he said that's one cute car my girlfriend had no idea who dog was until i told her then she couldn't stop giggling that one of the most aggressive bounty hunters out there thought her car was cute i actually went to school with one of dog's kids the kid was a dong when i was about 8 years old i was playing outside with a friend and her little brother 2 or 3yo my friend was slowly riding my bike on the sidewalk and i was walking besides her but her brother insisted on riding his tricycle on the middle of the road it was a dead end without movement there's a funeral home nearby that often left their hearse parked on that street little guy was right behind the hearse when it suddenly starts moving backwards i quickly pulled him out of his tricycle as he was about to get ran over it still creeps my out how the kid could have died that day by the same hearse that would have taken him to his funeral sometimes i see him on the street and wonder if he remembers he almost died that day probably would have got to discount though one time i was on the bus toward the back but in front of the second door in the back as we're going down the road i noticed the guy in the seat crossed the aisle is sitting there jerking off i mean the whole thing was out and he was going to town there was a moment her kids two seats in the front sideways facing seats and i'm pretty sure he was looking at the kids just as i noticed the bus pulls up to a stop and the mom and her kids who were probably around seven to five wire range get up to exit out the back doors i bolt to my feet and block their way down the aisle and yell you need to go out the front door the poor mom looks at me and starts to protest but i just make myself big to block their way and start hurting them to the front door as she was exiting the bus i tried to quietly tell her what was going on but she was pretty mad at me and didn't let me get close enough to say anything i think about this often i was probably their villain of the day and i actually might have saved them from real harm i was going to an on-field concert after a baseball game so once the game was finished a stream of people myself included are going down the stairs to reach the field entrance i started hearing shouting and a scream behind me on the stairs i stopped and turned around to see what was happening and somehow i caught the arm of a woman who had been falling down the stairs the cause of the commotion might hold her to her feet and we sort of just stared at each other for a moment before continuing down the stairs i will never know how this happened so perfectly and it will never happen again but dang i felt like a ninja i was expecting you to say it was love at first sight or something lol i won a nintendo switch in a cereal box the problem with telling the story is that it's not interesting enough to fill in the details once i've explained the ending i'm gonna do it anyway though i had gotten honey bunches of oats my favorite cereal and i was eating it for breakfast in my dorm i had woken up earlier than usual so i had a decent amount of time before my first class i had just finished the box and i was gonna go recycle it but i saw there was this promotion on it that you could win one of 500 prize pack containing a nintendo switch and super mario odyssey i just kind of had a moment where i was like frick it i got time i plug all the information into the website and the screen shows a mario question block and the instructions to click on the question block a few times if a mushroom popped out of it then you were a winner so i click a few times coins pop out of the top and then all of a sudden this mushroom slowly rises from the top of the block i was in total disbelief and i was like nah i probably misunderstood the directions but nope i had just won a nintendo switch and super mario odyssey literally everyone i told about it was just like huh i always thought those were scams i didn't realize people actually won those it's been pretty good i would never have been able to afford a switch otherwise so that's definitely a plus in my book i would make sure to tell this story multiple times to everyone since i have never won anything and because it's a nintendo switch nobody cares about mountain biking but i had a fantastic crash where i fell off a cliff and landed in a shallow frigid river and when i got up i realized i had landed on my bike and the pedal had punctured my butt cheek i walked in the river two kilometers back to the car pushing my busted bike the key fob was pooched from the water so i had to use the key but hands were too cold to work so i started the car and drove with my elbows cell phone was wet so i drove to the ranger station ranger station was closed for the season so i tried myself hands were so cold i used my tongue it worked but no reception kept driving bleeding all over my car until i got to a gas station and had them call me an ambulance the medic wondered why i loaded my bike into the car before getting help medic clearly doesn't get it i've had a few mega crashes myself one in which i knocked myself out cold apparently remember nothing for the next entire day until waking up in hospital but apparently i got off the mountain through the forest back to my car bike in the back into the hospital okay so when i was about six or so i was in the ball pit at a mcdonald's play place the other kids and i were playing this game that involved grabbing whatever kid tried to escape the ball pit and throwing them back in so this one kid tries to escape and i grab his leg he was an amputee and i had grabbed his prosthetic i was six and didn't know it was even possible to lose a limb his prosthetic came off and suddenly i was holding this stranger kids leg in my hands i thought i had ripped his leg off i screamed i cried i apologized and i ran to my parents who had to explain the concept of an amputee to me in a mcdonald's one time i walked into a home depot and an employee there said hello and i just went thanks we looked at each other for a second or two and then he said you wanna try again and i just kind of chuckled and scurried off this haunts my every waking moment in third grade there was the girl i used to hang out with she had a weird laugh it sounded like a horse's name one day she was very happy about something and kissed me after that whenever i laughed it sounded like an a2 i ended up going to another school after that and lost that laugh the curse of the horse woman lives on i posted this once before but how i accidentally pee off the crows oh god it's a long story it started when these four boys around 10 or 11 would walk past my house every week to go swimming and every week four weeks in a row outside my house the same kid got shat on by a massive crow obviously we found this really funny and didn't make the connection at the time he must have done something to pee the crow off i was putting bird food out in my garden but i was getting loads of feral pigeons so i was trying to shoo them away which this crazy crow must have taken offense to soon after i noticed that i was getting caught at by crows all the time no matter where i went there was angry crows crawling at me that's when i googled crows and saw that they can hold grudges recognize people tell other crows about bad people so i tried to make a peace offering by throwing food on my shed roof my kitchen window with the sink in front of it overlooks the shed roof after throwing food out i stood by the window doing the dishes this must have also pee this crow off later that day a crow started absolutely screeching and coin i went through to the kitchen to see what was going on when a huge bird crap landed on my window in 20 years there has been no bird crap on that window because there is a big ledge above it so this crow must have hung its butt over the ledge just to do that i went to bed that night only to be woken up at 5am by screaming right outside my bedroom window i live on the first floor so it couldn't have been a human i googled crow screaming and sure enough that was the noise i heard it had chosen the only window with a light on to do that later on that day there was a big crew sitting on a tree near that window if anyone else went to the window it just stayed still but if it saw me it started bouncing on the branch like it thought it was funny obviously after the crapping and screaming i wasn't going to give it any food that day i did give it food the next day and it must have taken the hint because it never shattered my windows or woke me up by screaming again however for about a year and a half every crow for a mile radius round my house would angrily core at me don't pee off the crows if you are new to the channel you can subscribe i publish new videos every day until then check another video [Music] bye for now

Channel: Updoot Everything

Views: 82,175

Rating: 4.9460564 out of 5

Keywords: great stories that can't be told, stories you can't tell, can't tell, weird story, #updootst, updoot, reddit, r/askreddit, askreddit, ask reddit, r/, \r, r\, best of reddit, reddit stories, reddit story, top posts, funniest posts, funny, funny posts, funny reddit stories, funny askreddit, reddit funny, askreddit funny, askreddit stories, reddit stories 2019, people of reddit, sub, reddit cringe, memes, toadfilms, updoot everything, updoot reddit, story, stories, rslash, comedy, fresh

Id: Iiie-WkjriI

Length: 23min 40sec (1420 seconds)

Published: Sun Jan 10 2021