The Goonies 1 & 2 - Angry Video Game Nerd (AVGN)

[Music] [Music] it's the start of another year of AVGN and can you imagine how angry the nerd must get when he can't find a movie streaming yeah well we've got expressvpn to help us find exactly what we need expressvpn is the magic key that opens your streaming services treasure horde trying to find a movie but can't find it streaming anywhere apps like Netflix and Disney plus hide content from you based on the country you're in with expressvpn you can just switch your location to another country like this and in seconds you'll be watching the movies hidden in your streaming apps all in beautiful high definition and with over a 100 countries to pick from worldwide you're guarant guaranteed to find the movies you're looking for whether it's the hottest action movies like John Wick 4 only available in South Korea or deep cut horror movies like Evil Dead trap only found in Japan I'm always confident that I can find what I need With a Little Help From My friend expressvpn find out how you can get yourself 3 months of expressvpn for free by going to expressvpn.com Cinemassacre or by clicking the link in my description below I know these guys must have [Music] died Konami a game company of Legend their games were like Treasures that kids sought after ruby red shooters Emerald Adorn beat him UPS Diamond lace Platformers and they all came sweeping into the the NES Library like an armada and of course we talked about such great Classics like Contra Castlevania he had so many other gems like buyo haare and life force and you had uh metal gear and bio Billy Castlevania 2 Top Gun and then you have Goonies one and two so The Goonies is one of those Quin essential 80s movies about a group of kids who go on an adventure to seek out a hidden pirate treasure in hopes to use the fortune to save their homes from becoming a golf resort while at the same time being chased by a family of escaped Prisoners the ferelli it may be a little dated but it sure does have that funloving spirit and nostalgic Vibe that's expected of the Spielberg brand and of course with something so cherished it is a rule that it must be tarnished in the form of video games now there were various versions on the numerous home computers of the time such as the commer 64 but the versions I'm talking about are the ones that were made for the Nintendo systems now first up is the original Goonies which was both on the famicom and famicom disc system let's start this up and give it a [Music] go well here it is that beloved childhood Adventure that you all knew has been turned into a repetitive scavenger hunt where you go around kick the [ __ ] out of giant mice to get bombs to blow open skull doors to collect keys they blew up the walls all around him once you have all three keys you can unlock the next level but that's not all in each level one of your friends has been kidnapped and you got to find them he plays the character Mikey which is not very apparent and all he does is kick but you can also find a slingshot it seems they missed a lot of potential here why not play as data that was the character who had all the cool gadgets that would have been better than just a cliched slingshot the enemies are no more inspired ghosts skeletons bats come on why does every game have to have bats oh wait the bats were in the movie okay then and it also has the criminals who chase you around I assume they're the ferelli so it is following the movie somewhat I guess but the bats were probably just a coincidence one thing I do have to commend is they actually use the Cindy Lopper song from the movie The Goonies are good [Music] enough and it actually sounds pretty rad as a chip tune anyway there's not much else about this game you just kill the mice find the keys unlock the gates find the keys you know it's starting to feel like I'm playing the same levels over and over again in fact I think I am playing the same levels again what's happening did it send me back to the beginning that's right it's the same five stages looping endlessly what's worse than playing a shitty game playing a shitty game that never ends I'm stuck trapped forever forever forever and ever trapped wow actually what happens here is if you forget to rescue any of the kids the game will allow you to keep on playing up to stage five but after that it sends you back to the beginning what kind of [ __ ] [ __ ] is that it shouldn't let you pass any of the levels it should say go back and get the kid [ __ ] no instead it wants you to keep on playing just to waste your [ __ ] time on the screen it does tell you how many kids you've saved but not which stages they're from so if I'm on stage four and it showing I saved three kids that could mean I missed the kid on stage one or two or whatever I don't know that was ancient history ago I've been running around for so long looking for keys so after you've completed stage five with five kids saved it lets you go to the sixth and final stage the ship it's very short all you do is hop around fighting mice and flying fish I would make the statement that none of this [ __ ] ever happens in the movie but that isn't the [ __ ] problem anymore the game has no bosses none whatsoever you find the girl and the game ends all you get is a shortcut scene of The Goonies watching the pirate ship like the movie and then it says the end congratulation oh and you want to know what happens after that sends you back to level one in case you want to play again well that was the version of The Goonies that we did not get here in the United States it was in the arcades but not on the home consoles so they spared us that one because you know why we deserved something much shittier The Goonies 2 was one of those movie sequel video games before there was ever a sequel much like Top Gun the second mission well of course Top Gun did eventually get a sequel but so far The Goonies has not and if it does hope it's nothing like [Music] this the main villain from the first movie Mama fory is back for revenge and this time she's kidnapped Annie well her name was Andy but I'll assume it's a new character because this is Goonies 2 the gameplay is similar to the first Goonies and even has the same song you're just going around fighting insects and [ __ ] but with a yo-yo this time what was with video games using yo-yos as weapons star Tropics Earthbound yoid where did that come from has anyone ever hit someone with a yo-yo flawlessly to have the yo-yo wind itself back to their hand that would be amazing that didn't happen in the movie but remember this is Goonies too you still have bombs but now you can also get malov cocktails that's just great a 14-year-old kid's running around throwing malov cocktails good family fun but this ain't like the movie because this is Goonies 2o I'm going to be honest I'm going to tell you straight out as a sides scroller this is a totally fine game if you were a kid in the late ' 80s and rented it from the video store as I once had you wouldn't find anything wrong after you finish your homework you kill some time by yo-yoing the [ __ ] out of some spiders for a couple hours and call it a day but if you're trying to actually get anywhere that's a whole other story oh [ __ ] what let me tell you what I mean you see these doors bet you go in there right I say no leave well enough alone if you want any hope in getting some enjoyability out of this game just forget about the doors sure that means you won't get very far but the trauma is not worth it don't go go in the doors it's like The Shining with the Forbidden hotel room the kid Danny is warned not to go in there but he does anyway because otherwise you wouldn't have much of a movie and here I guess you wouldn't have much of a nerd episode because on the other side of these doors that's where they hid the shitty game I wish I didn't have to do this but it is my duty duty so I'm going to go in there and show you the inner workings of the [ __ ] [ __ ] Factory you unlock this door with the key of humiliation Beyond it is an entirely different game a game of [ __ ] a game of awful sights game of torture to the mind you're diving into the ass of the most toxic filthy substance of idiotic ideas you've just crossed over into the diarrhea dimension now all of a sudden it looks like we're playing the cabin stages in Fry the 13th but if fry the 13th were shitty and I know I already said fry the 13th was shitty but not anymore these rooms were designed without any Common Sense programmed with no laws of physics I don't know how to explain it because I can't even fully understand it myself I push up to go in a door and next thing I'm back to where I was so I figured down must be forward so I try that and still don't know where I'm going left and right don't seem to do anything you think it would turn Mikey's perspective like in Friday the 13th when I'm using an already shitty game as an example as what it should do you know it's a bad sign I can't comprehend the layout there's no logical sense of space in this asinine architecture I never even knew how [ __ ] crack-brained a video game can be until I realized Mikey can only Face Forward left and right do work if you're going through a side door but hang on which direction am I looking now how does this room relate to the one I was just in when I went through the door did my perspective turn 90 de or did I walk sideways into the room is Mikey actually strafing into the next room and remember when I tried to go into a door that's right in front of my [ __ ] face but ended up back outside the door I came in that's because I walked backwards through the first door you have to imagine a theoretical door on the fourth wall in which he walks backwards through H does that make any sense I'm trying my best to put this into words but I just sound insane basically you can't turn around so you can never actually see the door you came in never but wait that doesn't explain how up moved me backwards well if you look at the corner you see Mikey inside that sort of directional Compass if he's facing toward us that means down will move him in the direction he's facing while up will move him backwards so essentially what I'm saying is you press up to to walk backwards out of a room as soon as you get used to that next thing he's facing away so now up is up and down is down I know 3D rooms in video games was a pretty New Concept at the time but wouldn't the simplest way to program this be up is always forward down is always back and anytime you turn left or right that would change the perspective and reorient the controls right instead this game seems to think of the d-pad as a fixed Direction so down will always move you to one side the room and so on the manual attempts to explain it and even says hey nobody ever said this was easy man they got that right even when you understand it why does the character have to face different directions I think it happens based on which way you've originally entered the room in relation to the Overworld map but why was that necessary how did they manage to [ __ ] it up so bad I'd say it's very unlikely they've ever made a video game before this but there was Goonies one h H anyway what's the goal in these rooms why are we here well this is one of those point and click [ __ ] around and find out type of games but in the bad kind of way where all you're really doing is playing a blind guessing game who's this guy he's not helpful in any way so how about I don't know I just punch him in the [Music] [Applause] [Music] face what do you do what must you do this to me de me you can even hit him with a hammer that that's brutal remember that scene in the movie not the Exorcist but The Goonies where Mikey beat the [ __ ] out of some old man of course not because this is Goonies too anytime you collect new items it goes into your tool menu to access them you have to Fumble through some really awkward controls to move the cursor left or right you can only press up and down to cycle through the tools it would be perfectly logical to press left and right but that does nothing also to go to the second page of tools you have to hit hit B which would usually be the cancel button the cancel button is start what kind of sense does that make you hit start to go back the real secret of the tool menu is that we're not in control the game's messing with us because we are the tools I don't mean to sound like I'm going out of my way to complain and it might seem like a small thing but that would be like if you rented a car you got in and the stick shift was on the ceiling would you be like oh okay or would you be like why the [ __ ] is it up here well makes the tool menu even stranger is that when you're on the Sid scrolling stages start brings up a whole new menu one that's more traditional more like what you'd expect for the NES some of the same tools are in here such as the hammer ladder candle Etc but here they're not called tools they're called implements so because the same tools appear in two different menu screens that function in completely different ways only leads me to believe that there were two different games that somehow got smooshed together like two different dog turds being run through the lawn mower but if and when you ever get used to these rooms and Tool system that's only half the battle because it's a puzzle within a puzzle every door every item every single thing you're trying to find is hidden you have to trigger them to appear usually by physically hitting every little spot it might be the wall it might be the ceiling it might be the floor and it might be with the fist it might be with the hammer it's like milon's secret castle where you have to break the blocks to find everything except imagine if had to try each block twice while switching weapons it takes twice as long it's a pixel hunting nightmare that never ends oh you can get special glasses that makes everything visible thank God but oh wait it only works in certain places in fact it barely works at all what a [ __ ] tease and there were no special glasses in the movie but never mind that because this is Goonies too even when you do find something like when you find find a hole on the ceiling sometimes you can only get to it with a ladder and if it's a hole in the floor sometimes you need a diving suit because I guess it's full of water so you'll have to come back later when you have those items now if you make a hole and then you leave the room and then come back the hole's gone at least I think it's gone because it seems like a different room so they don't even have the goddamn courtesy to let you retrace your steps if I saw the hole I'd be able to know I was just there where's the hole you want to know what [ __ ] hole I'm thinking of when you get the ladder you climb up by pressing up makes sense but you want to know how to climb down the ladder by pressing up does that mean he is actually going down head first have you ever climbed upside down a ladder it does not work then they have the nerve to make the rooms go dark so now you got to get a candle you got to go on a never-ending scavenger hunt punching and and hammering every wall in every room till you come to an old man who says get out of here if you have nothing to do okay how about I punch him in the face [ __ ] you [ __ ] yeah so I punched him three times and nothing interesting happened but just for good measure I hit him a fourth time still nothing well I'm pretty sure nothing is going to happen so how about I hit him one more time the candle appeared how would you come to that conclusion what do you do when you see an old man meditating well punch him five times in the [ __ ] face of course if that's your first instinct that really says a lot about you it's like punching people in Roger Rabbit you don't expect it to have any effect and why five times usually it would take three when would it ever be five man I've played tons of games and that's never occurred anyway now that you have the candle you walk into to a room and guess what it's still dark what am I thinking of course the candle's not automatic you got to click tools then select the candle fair enough but when you go into the Next Room guess what you got to click tools and select the candle again and then you go back into the room you were just at and you got to do it again why doesn't Mikey just leave the candle on is he blowing it out every single time he goes into the Next Room man that makes no sense and that wasn't in the movie either but this is Goonies 2o what I find most remarkable is how all these simple shitty things seem related to one another as if they're all working together like a well- greased piss stained diarrhea machine like one of data's Contraptions it's a chain effect the wall hitting [ __ ] plays into the navigational disorientation which plays into the darkness which plays into the backass controls it's just one big circle jerk [ __ ] show so honestly I'm impressed this takes frustrating game design to a high art it's one of the most psychologically targeted brain [ __ ] I've ever played no I'm too young I need a [Music] beer where is it where is it there's a beer in this wall I would totally drink it oh I know it's hammer time oh [Music] yeah there's a lot of elder abuse in this episode nerd you're still here huh you're still [ __ ] here [Music] oh oh all right where was I did I just spend the past 8 minutes talking about the simple function of moving through rooms it's astonishing how the game goes from good to horrible as soon as you open one of those doors how did they [ __ ] it all up over something so stupid something that you normally wouldn't even have to think about is such a large part of the game and that's thej majority of your time just finding your way through rooms and clicking around menus to do simple things that could have been done with one hit of a button it over complicates everything imagine if you were playing Super Mario Brothers and anytime you go down a pipe it switches to something completely different like some kind of 3D Labyrinth with a mess of menus and controls that make no sense but what happens when you make it through these rooms you thought it'd be an end all [ __ ] all bottom of the barrel [ __ ] no the rooms are merely the means of transit to the other side side of the map yeah I haven't even talked about the map yet uh who knows the mouth you said you could translate translate right here yeah translated yeah now we're really getting down to it it's nice they have a map but it's pointless because you never take a direct path to go anywhere ever instead you go through those 3D rooms which act as a turd tunnel to go from one shitty realm to the next on the other side you find yourself on the back of the map that's right the map flips around let me demonstrate on paper it's as if you're trying to solve an ordinary maze except every so often there's a spot where you have to punch the pen through and on the other side there's a whole other maze as if you traveled through a wormhole so now you have to find your way to the next Wormhole and flip the map again and again and again but that's simplifying it because each time you get to one of those wormholes you'd have to switch to some kind of 3D maze and find your way through blindfolded while only being able to point in One Direction the whole idea is to rescue your friends like the first game but the map won't show where they're at unless you find a locator device for each individual one when you do the friends are represented by a blue dot which only means they're inside a room that's in that area you are represented by a red dot so you head toward the blue dot checking the map every so often to keep track next thing you know the blue dot is gone what happened oh am I on it that's right the Red Dot can cover the blue dot so you got to move one screen over just to make sure that's like if you're looking for the TV remote and suspect you might be sitting on it so you have to get up and move they couldn't figure out how to show a blue dot and a red dot at the same time couldn't they just make a purple dot perhaps so I go through the room I hammer the wall to find a door that leads to the friend in a cage luckily I have the key so I open it and they say Mikey you're late I was almost killed well cut me a [ __ ] break I had to get a diving suit so I can climb up down a ladder to find a hidden safe behind a wall behind a door behind an invisible door that I moonwalked backwards out of then I had to kill some birds until one of them dropped the key I had to bomb a bunch of random spots on the wall so I could find hypers shoes I had to jump across a bunch of poop platforms slide around on ice as if anyone ever liked that Trope then I had to fill up my health by Konami man yes Konami man unless yeah hit him in which he'll never forget it and never give you health ever again for the rest of the game that's true I had to swim around in a bunch of underwater caverns and meet creatures from the Black Lagoon and fight a bunch of dragons remember the Gilman and Dragons from Goonies of course you don't because this is Goonies too I had to go through one secret room to get to another secret room to get to another one and another and another and another and another and another they all all rescue your friends and think about how disturbing that is there's kids in cages with talk of being killed in an NES game that is [ __ ] dark one positive thing about this game is that you can continue as many times as you need which almost makes it worse because with no game overs I have no excuse there's nothing exciting at the end no final boss nothing you open the last door and there you go you saved Annie who happens to be a mermaid by the way remember the mermaid and Goonies no well that's because this is a load of [ __ ] [ __ ] may I ask why is the mermaid topless specifically my question would be why they actively chose to have a mermaid with a blank chest rather than give her the typical clamshell bra like in Peter Pan and soon to be made famous a couple years after with the little mermaid am I asking too many questions if they make a Goonies 2 film and it's anything like this game I will Truffle Shuffle till I [ __ ] my pants it's crazy to think think the first game is the one they held back from us it's kind of like a rhinoceros comes over to piss on you and then it turns around oh thank God and then shit's on your [ __ ] face that is an unfortunate situation and this is one of the worst sequels ever Konami really delivered the number two on us it goes many layers deep it starts out like super Pitfall you scrape away that layer of [ __ ] and underneath is Friday the 13th and under that is milon secret Castle as you go further into the center of the wet smelly dog [Music] turd now I don't know for a fact if the core of a dog turd is any worse than the whole turd that has yet to be tested but I'm going to test something else out right [Music] now [Music]

Channel: Cinemassacre

Views: 1,223,245

Keywords: james rolfe, cinemassacre, angry video game nerd, avgn, avgn snes, avgn goonies, james rolfe goonies, cinemassacre goonies, avgn goonies nes, avgn goonies 2, goonies 2, goonies II, goonies nes, avgn nes, avgn famicom, avgn season 18, james rolfe nes, james rolfe famicom

Id: rrlJKhutYvI

Length: 26min 11sec (1571 seconds)

Published: Mon Feb 26 2024