the good place crack

we need someplace that we can talk in private i agree let me show you my butthole what i should warn you it's a little messy [Music] [Music] keep your hands down and you are out here somebody royally forked up somebody forked up why can't i say fork if you're trying to curse you can't hear i guess a lot of people in this neighborhood don't like it so it's prohibited that's whose dog is that whose dog is that see this is one of those glitches i was talking about nice try puppy that was a close one teacup have you seen my dog it's gonna be fine we just need a plan oh i got a plan we hack into michael's phone download all his nudes and then blackmail him no what are you no yo you you should listen to me i came up with hundreds of plans in my life and only one of them got me killed her this sucks how do you guys eat without listening to hardcore porn i'm just trying to find you a a hobby that had that will bring you a positive experience what do you say i'm loving that hat on you it would look even better on my floor what is happening a nurse did that to calm me down once when i crashed my jet ski into a manatee you crashed your jet ski into a manatee yeah i'm from jacksonville florida it happens a lot man michael is not into your class right now i'm the best student i'm gonna be the velociraptor you trying to say valedictorian no ugh jason jason jason jason jason jason jason jason jason jason jason uh jason jason jason jason jason j jason jason please come to my classroom i will teach you ethics like i'm doing with eleanor and if you work hard and absorb the material you just might be able to earn your place here [Music] no i'm good dude chidi is giving you a lifeline right now and you need to take it because you suck you suck i know come on we gotta go i don't wanna go to the bad place it's scary like the movie ratatouille what yo i ain't trying to have rats living in my hat and pulling my hair to get me to do stuff i'm scared too but we can't just abandon our friends and let them take the fall for us sure we can it would be so easy to do that janet hi there linda this is janet if you want anything at all janet can bring it to you watch janet can i have a baby elephant made of pure light that tells you true secrets about the universe surely temple killed jfk i'm not that selfish eleanor your cocaine and escape train are ready not now okay where's john you honestly i don't even know if he's coming i am here to learn about ethnics all of these new emotions i'm feeling are about to burst out of me which might be super embarrassing what if they come out my butt my soul will be disintegrated and each molecule will be placed on the surface of a different burning sun and then my my essence will be scooped out of my body with a flaming ladle and poured over hot diamonds oh but the diamonds sound lovely they're not um and then what's left of my body will be endlessly beaten with a titanium rod like uh like a pinata yes except you have the string around my waist but instead it will definitely be around my genitals what oh i'm from the good place and welcome to your first day in the afterlife what's up idiot sorry i'm late babe hey are you pregnant that's not possible congrats welcome to eternal mediocrity welcome to the media place so what's up what's your deal are you single what's going on this is the bad place eleanor oh no no no no please wait wait wait wait wait eleanor i have kids i have three beautiful children tyler emma and little tiny baby phillip look at tyler tyler has asthma but he is battling it like a champ look at him no eleanor look at them look at them oh it's so realistic eleanor again i'm not human this is a stock photo of the crowd at the nickelodeon kids choice award i have to design a complicated unique transportation vehicle is it optimus prime what i can't believe we get to write a real-life optimus prime i call right nipple that's shotgun on optimus prime i'm gonna miss you you're just gonna think i'm some sexy godlike figure who you wanna hump immediately after meeting her i know you're deflecting by making jokes about how high it's not a joke i'm a legit snack 99 of all new human behaviors are weird sex things but not in this oh no it is a weird sex thing yeah well then we zip that over to the relevant departments in this case anastasia and the stuffed vegetable department we've got hector over in american coins and my dear buddy matt in weird sex things i'm still waiting on a response to the request i filed for immediate suicide janet what's that [Music] what's that what's this [Music] her memory's still being rebooted because oh you know someone murdered her janet could you please locate the file for an eleanor shellstrop born in 1982 phoenix arizona usa sure anything else no janet this is actually a cactus [Music] wanna bump no thank you i don't use cocaine oh it's not cocaine idiot we're snorting time sorry you're snorting the concept of time yeah it'll fork you up karaoke time data baby what do you want to do okay a mussolini speech oh the mel gibson ramp that's a classic classic oh let's do the nixon tapes that's my jam what you always have to remember with the irish is they get mean virtually every irish i've known gets mean when he drinks [Applause] i love your outfit seeing maybe a billion years it has been one crazy ride you guys i'm gonna miss everybody and i'm gonna miss everybody and i'm gonna miss everybody and i'm gonna my seriously you at the crossroads road see you at the grassroots grocery whoa your point total was crazy high eleanor oh sorry crazy high eleanor was my nickname in college and what do you do with sweat do you lick it away is that right nope you dab it with a cloth oh right and then you lick the cloth that seems weirder wow this is a tuffy on one hand i would love to get some spiders in those buttholes on the other hand there would be billions of buttholes going completely unspidered i'll i'll see you guys tomorrow not if i see you first where's the beef i don't know hump day who would not leave him in his wandering oh i didn't see you there i was just reciting some edgar allen poe hi i'm derek welcome to the medium place i'm not a mountain of strength i'm a canyon full of poo-poo hi chidi i'm eleanor i'm arizona shrimp horny not what i sound like jason get out of here oh dip i woke up the next morning i went straight to the bank i withdrew my life savings and i was gonna start that charity good for you and then i immediately fell into subway tracks and was electrocuted by the third rail honestly not the type of rail i thought was going to kill me because i love cocaine do you have any i'm just i shouldn't do you no no yeah i mean i was just i was just kidding it was just a joke i mean who would want to do cocaine right now are you okay anyway so after i died good thing your void plan worked out huh you will spend eternity with murderers and arsonists and people who take off their shoes and socks on commercial airlines [Applause] janet can i have a glass of water please here you go oh gosh you said water yeah i'm so sorry there you go why are you so different you have mindy to thank for that see she found a plunger sticking out of the ground behind our house and every time she hits it i pass out when i come to i'm a little bit smarter and a little bit better not to brag but i almost have a full-grown penis now what's that thing you humans say when you're playing chess and you trap your opponent into an inescapable position oh right eat butt you ding-dongs hey idiot dance you got it it's about damn time that the jew in america realizes he's an american first and a jew second oh my dear janet will you be okay after i leave yes this will not affect me in any way jeez show some compassion well i can't feel sad but here's my best approximation of human crying [Laughter] my cousin once hired me to do crowd control for his off-brand sea world well technically it was just a bunch of kiddie pools full of jellyfish and instead of a killer whale they killed a whale [Music] everything okay nope oh goodbye say goodbye derek ah good bob i hope we same place again very now his brain is wrong welcome to the cowboy skyscraper buffet oh hey can we get the florida table they absolutely nail the swamp stench ah someone's seated there but if you purchase our manifest destiny package for thirty dollars you can have anyone you want forcibly removed from the table we'll just sit anywhere when your table's ready this gun will go off i think this is real what if you're here and i'm like this yes that may work [Music] whoa what is happening is she having an orgasm say janet uh where can i get some delicious ice cream oh there's a wonderful parlor in the middle of town square my favorite flavor is rocky road it contains chocolate ribbon marshmallows and your dad's salty nuts you fat stink jason and tahani came in revealed the crazy fact that they're now in a relationship i already knew that and i'm so happy for them hello your excellency my name is eleanor shellstrop we doth seek thine judgment we've traveled a long distance to see you oh great one michael wrote a manifesto and i read it on the toilet i don't have to poop i choose to i really thought about each one of you and i got you something that will make you happy i call them opposite tortures do you mean presents yes that's better thank you no matter what the combo is i always ask you guys to bring me cocaine next time and you never do do you have anything i can snort like a crushed up aspirin or some eye shadow or cocaine still no there's only one question we need to answer right now and that is what do we do next i mean this place doesn't seem terrible maybe we should just stay here forever you always say that and you always end up going back i mean sometimes you go back because you feel bad your friends don't know what you know sometimes you go back because you walk in on me while i'm masturbating and sometimes you go back because i walk in on you while i'm masturbating so far so good michael good news i was able to obtain eleanor shellstrop's file is it actually a cactus i don't understand i want to see the file for eleanor shellstrop is that what you have or do you have a cactus i have the file you're sure you have the file and and not a cactus that is correct i have eleanor shellstrop's file i do not have a cactus excellent please give me the file here you go thank you janet you're welcome this is a kind of fun i'm very scared but also i like it hi there hi whoever you are uh don't mind us we're just doing a trust thing hi there what was that sound uh a unicorn died what no i mean not a unicorn my mistake just a regular horse that someone stabbed in the head what the janet babies are still draining me and i just had to put down daisy the horse blob which was exhausting emotionally and physically she fought back i won't get into details i had to twist her head off i won't feel any pain or anything kill me kill me kill me bye all right who's next your dad's pimply butt you fat dink that is so interesting because last time i checked i didn't have a dad you figured us out there is a best place i knew it i knew it the best place is reserved for a select upper echelon of good people sort of like a diamond elite vip club of afterlife residents i was diamond elite i swear one time i did shots with this pilot in the lounge the guy let me fly his helicopter we know that's how you died what up pork sticks that was she hates me by puddle of mud coming up next grandma got run over by a reindeer idiot we're going streaking from now on i'm here to help i'd feel a lot more confident if you weren't holding a champagne glass full of scrabble letters but you're all we got i'm so happy to see you i got you a box of chocolates but then i remembered you kenny so i ate them and i thought it'd be a nice present for me to describe them to you so the first one was gross music ops oh right i forgot make it louder what if you start humanity over from scratch and humans evolve over millions of years and they end up worse what if they invent rap rocks sooner and it becomes the only kind of music do you really want to oversee an entire world of limp bizkits run by emperor kid rock not my problem all right here we go software update no cancel why is it doing it now this computer sucks don't get me wrong i love shoving hot dogs into people but once you've dogged every hole you just start to feel like you're repeating yourself i hear that sister i'm gonna go take a dump you want me to grab you one no i'm good thanks not even a little nug nah i might all right damn you're good at this no there's also an ihop dope i'm gonna order the rooty tutti fresh and fruity no sorry uh in this realm ihop stands for interdimensional whole of pancakes you don't really eat these pancakes it's more like they eat you okay i'll get eggs then okay mama see you in the next life before you marble eyes me can i just make one final statement to summarize how i really feel i think i know where this is going okay disco janet you're up out of sight what are you guys still doing here just go back to mindy's and have a lukewarm beer and wait for me to end you there except for you cookie puss i'll always make room for you the museum of human misery oh yeah okay it's a torture museum famous examples of bad behavior and explanations of the torture they earned is there a gift shop jason this is hell of course it's a gift shop it sure would be terrible if that ultimately led to derrick's death wink no the winking is bad you should not be winking or saying the word wink okay we really need to kill we really need to kill any suspicion that i want to murder derrick boom wink [Music] um this isn't right i'm sorry i've never kissed anyone before is one tongue okay i can add more tongues i don't understand what you even like about jason what does he have that i don't have a soul and genitals oh here we go with this whole no genitals thing again you're the one that gave me wind chimes instead of a penis janet i had fun i didn't think about my problems and i i won this ugly yellow toddler it just seems a bit odd to transfer the totality of your account 131 million british pounds to the account of this person why don't we have a farewell party here tonight you know just to thank the crew for all the hard work we could jam to some tunes you know destroy the place play beer pong with jason's testicles what do you say boston dang it that is some hot reabsorbing can you get pregnant from reabsorbing uh oh i hear wind chimes look away everybody look away i'm gonna keep watching but you guys look away a failed dj from jacksonville florida i wasn't a failed dj i was pretty successful i bonded with jason in a way that i have never bonded with anyone before i seem to have gained a new understanding of love i also learned how to do this i've written down every plan you've ever come up with which obviously never worked because you're here and you're back so good luck physically attack michael seduce michael make michael think he's the one in the bad place catch that magic panda use her powers oh i'm guessing that was jason that guy has no idea what's going on now entering mindy sinclair's house this is so exciting i hope everyone gets hurt living room is clear entering the bedroom oh yeah no oh god this feels so weird here we go oh do some coke off my butt wait wait whoa whoa whoa who are you guys oh friends hi i'm derek where are the humans and who is derek me is derek these are my wind chimes oh oh oh my wind chimes like you the only people here are mindy sinclair and an unknown male with a genital deformity what made you choose this setting there's a jacksonville tradition of having your funeral where you were born i got born in the deep end of a pool right after my mom did a cannonball well i knew the risks you never really talk about your mom yeah she died when i was pretty young i lost her to the big c that's what we call the crocodile that lived by my house ah i'm just playing it was cancer watch me do a handstand this whole thing is a sham first things first do you have a penis let's say you're a doctor and you can save five patients but you have to kill one healthy person and use his organs to do it but that's not the same thing why not it's still choosing to kill one person to save five isn't it michael you've been kind of quiet what do you think about all this well obviously the dilemma is clear how do you kill all six people so i would dangle a sharp blade out the window to slice the neck of the guy on the other track as we smush our five main guys i am the judge my only concerns are fairness and impartiality gonna arrive [Music] who is the earth that song is really my damn humanity eraser thingy [Music] you put the peeps in the chili pot and eat them both up you put the peeps in the chili pot and add the m m's you put the peeps in the chili pot it makes it taste bad i'm gonna eat all this chili and or die trying anyone want any i'm just gonna put it right down here come on dip your balls in my chili i love you also interesting side note i think i might hate things now too so far it's genocide and leggings as pants this is nuts just weighing in over here this is bonkers okay i have to go reboot janet why it's the only thing i can think of to do to get rid of this glitch yo what are you calling the glitch it means air jason hey buddy how you doing can i get you a snack do you eat i can never remember what do you eat babies you want me to get you a big fat baby what flavor baby how about a cool ranch baby uh what can i do for you now would you like to move in permanently or would either of you like any more water or one of my kidneys i feel bad for making janet's life more chaotic and unpredictable so here's my idea to make it up to her me and a hundred janet babies do a giant flash mob just total unpredictable chaos all around her great idea right jason jason jason jason jason mm-hmm sorry i put a little cheat code in the neighborhood where if i say your name five times my headache goes away we got tacos wow wow that's crazy just sit there quietly until we sort all this out if it's not too much trouble could i get a hot glass of pig urine we're not calling anyone until we figure some things out we have questions yeah for example if you're a devil how come you're not wearing prada you really suck i was so close to pulling it off even if you do somehow manage to make good decisions you still lose points because of the unintended consequences yeah there are booby traps everywhere like there's this chicken sandwich that if you eat it it means you hate gay people and it's delicious it is it is so good yes megan good take what you know about them and then force them into moments of personal difficulty think of it as flattening the penises of their heart oh now it makes sense i'd like to read a poem janet my digital queen janet we can dare to dream send nude pics of your heart to me does anybody here object to this marriage of course we do how could we not object overruled michael what what are you doing backpack kid dance why i don't know 30 seconds ah okay uh here we go oh oh uh it's a submarine it looks like broccoli with teeth oh oh it's a horse with a bow on its neck oh is it much harder for pony daisy what have i done you made a freaking frankenstein man okay okay you know what magic pictionary is over now so let's all go home and get some sleep you guys want me to kill it i've shot a lot of race horses one day you're flattening penises and the next you just decide to defect actually one of my jobs was to reinflate the penises so they can get flattened again it doesn't matter wow this milkshake is incredible right this is how i spend most of my time sitting in beautiful places drinking my milkshake slowly peeing into my pants come true [Music] i don't experience time the same way you do i kind of live all times at once i know what you mean once i smoked salvia and saw the past in the future at the same time then i tried to brush my teeth with my cat the parent toothbrushes can be close to the kid toothbrushes and watch over them and they can all talk about their toothbrush feelings and they can hold their little toothbrush hands and they're sad and make sure no harm ever comes to their little bristles sure i mean you need a kleenex thank you sorry i'm so embarrassed a family pack you solved the whole thing columns and porticos uh-oh looks like you forgot to include bathrooms whoops just a little oversight i certainly use the bathroom like anybody else i love to sit on the thing and just you know shoot one out eleanor i'll be in the car while time on earth moves in a straight line one thing happens then the next then the next time in the afterlife moves in a jeremy barami what in the afterlife time doubles back and loops around and ends up looking something like jeremy bear me this is the timeline in the afterlife happens to kind of look like the name jeremy beremy and curse of english so that's what we call it i don't know what to tell you that's the easiest way to describe it okay but um what the hell is this the dot over the eye the hell is that okay um how do i explain this concisely this is tuesdays and also july and sometimes it's never that's true occasionally that moment on the bear me timeline is the time moment when nothing never occurs so you get it this broke me bye tahani sorry for everything after i'm gone you can go ahead and clean out my butthole thank you [Music] stonehenge was a sex thing

Channel: paul lester

Views: 1,736,215

Keywords: the good place, elanor, chidi, janet, michael, derek, jason, out of context, random, funny, best of, crack, paul, lester

Id: v3j5MvcGNQ8

Length: 28min 22sec (1702 seconds)

Published: Wed Jul 06 2022